_House of Commons, Monday, June 2._--Heligoland is safe, but
there were some anxious moments. GEORGE CAMPBELL led attack. House
reassembled after Whitsun recess. Not many present. OLD MORALITY still
sporting in the country, toying with Amaryllis in the shade, or with
tangles of Neaera's hair. (That's how the Member for Sark puts it,
but admits that it's only poetry.) Mr. G. away too, also GRANDOLPH and
HARTINGTON. JOKIM in charge of Government ship; evidently in mildest
mood; didn't once pounce, though sorely tempted by all-pervadingness
of CAMPBELL. That eminent Statesman only began with Heligoland;
steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of salary of
Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland given up.
"Certainly not," said NICHOLAS WOOD; "must take firm stand with these
Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is
situated. Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall
support BALFOUR."
Whilst NICHOLAS off in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland,
SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE backs up CAMPBELL. Knows Heligoland
intimately. Seems to have passed best period of useful life there.
Members quite prepared to hear that there it was the famous letter
from Foreign Office found him when, by way of reproof of niggardliness
of Department, he was obeying instructions that transferred him from
Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligoland
_en route_, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules,
whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing
a scion of the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor.
"Hand it over to Germany, in exchange, if you please, for few pounds
of sausages; but get rid of it."
NICHOLAS, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of
Ireland, lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows,
TOBY," he says; "we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed;
don't quite follow argument. Rather wonder ARTHUR BALFOUR isn't in
his place to explain it; at same time, haven't slightest doubt it's
another Mitchelstown affair--another Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall
watch to see which Lobby our Whips are filling, and march straight
into it."
Thus Heligoland was saved, NICHOLAS and 149 others voting against
CAMPBELL, who led into the Lobby only 27 patriots. After this, that
man of war, JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON, came to the front,
and led Opposition in matter relating to Sierra Leone. GEORGE CAMPBELL
made several speeches on this topic, and when Amendment negatived,
came up quite fresh with his story of the Pacific Seas, where it seems
there have been excursions, followed by alarums, all converging on
urgent necessity of reducing the salary of the Deputy Commissioner
of the Western Pacific by L200. This also negatived after couple of
hours' discussion. Then GEORGE, stepping lightly from Western Pacific
to the Cape, moved to reduce salary of High Commissioner of South
Africa by L1000.
"A regular peripatetic seven-leagued-boot mowing-machine," said
JACKSON, gazing dreamily on mobile features of Member for Kircaldy.
Business done.--In Committee of Supply.
_Tuesday._--Question is, shall House adjourn over to-morrow, being
Derby Day, or shall it forbear? ELCHO says, "Yes." WILFRID LAWSON
says, "No." House, upon consideration, agrees with ELCHO, though by
significantly small majority. For holiday, 160; against, 133. COGHILL,
who had vainly protested against adjournment, says majority not so
wide as a church door, but 'twill serve. It's the writing on the wall,
and the Derby holiday in the Commons doomed. COGHILL serious young
man; likes things to be doomed; encouraged by the prospect, becomes
dangerously festive.
Member who moves Adjournment over Derby Day expected to be funny. PAM,
who, when he was Minister, always did it, established fashion. Been
followed in later days by DICK POWER, and other eminent sportsmen.
ELCHO displayed paternal failing for undue length, but just managed
to stop in time, not spoiling success of speech that greatly pleased
House. Curious to note points of personal resemblance between the
new Lord ELCHO and the old. Son, doubtless designedly, delivered his
speech from corner-seat on front Bench below Gangway, whence, in days
of yore, the father used to hold forth, almost literally buttonholing
House of Commons; holding on to it in much same way as _Ancient
Mariner_ delayed the hungry wedding guest.
"Happy," says the Member for Sark, "is the Legislature that can spare
an ELCHO for either Chamber! Favoured the generation that succeeds
to such an inheritance! With WEMYSS in the Lords, and ELCHO in the
Commons, there is still hope for my country!"
[Illustration: A Serious Young Man.]
Talk about Police Regulation for Procession on Saturday to demonstrate
against Compensation Bill. Citizen PICKERSGILL moved adjournment
of House in order to discuss matter. CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM seized
opportunity to run amuck at his revered Leaders on Front Opposition
Bench. Accused them of sitting there like stuffed figures at Madame
Tussaud's. "Why stuffed?" JOHN MOBLEY asked, but CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM
not to be interrupted in flush of eloquence. When once started went
at them hammer and tongs; only a few battered figures recognisable on
Front Bench when he had finished.
"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "BRADLAUGH'S got his eye on that Bench.
Means to sit there some day. Want him to know that even that sanctuary
shall not preserve him from my wrath. Just getting my hand in.
He'll be sorry he ever ventured to bite his thumb at me." _Business
done._--Education Vote in Committee.
_Thursday._--Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL moves Second Reading of his Bill. A
very inoffensive measure, he says; not proposed to sanction creation
of Tunnel under the sea. Oh, dear no! Nothing of that kind. All
that is wanted is that the Company shall be permitted to keep their
machinery oiled, bore for coal, and fill up spare time by fishing for
whitebait with line. Could there be any harm in that? CHUNNEL-TANNEL
asked, with hand outstretched with deprecating gesture towards
Treasury Bench, on which the long length of HICKS BEACH was coiled.
[Illustration: Citizen Pickersgill.]
Mr. G. backed up his noble friend; ridiculed idea of danger to England
from creation of Tunnel. If anybody had need for apprehension, it was
France--a fine, subtly patriotic idea, which did not meet with that
measure of applause on Conservative Benches that might have been
expected. Fact is, Conservatives don't like this newly established
friendliness between Mr. G. and CHUNNEL-TANNEL. Noble Lord not so
certain to respond to crack of Ministerial Whip as was his wont
before he yielded to the spell. Stout Ministerialists thinking more
of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S attitude on Irish Question than of probability of
French invasion by proposed Tunnel; so they lustily cheer HICKS-BEACH
when he denounces scheme. Cry, "Oh! oh!" when CHUNNEL-TANNEL makes
crafty appeal for support of Irish Members, and go out in body to stop
up the Tunnel.
J. S. FORBES watches scene from Strangers' Gallery. Lost in admiration
of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S meek mood.
"Why, TOBY," he said, in his perturbation brushing his new
curly-brimmed hat the wrong way, "he looks as if butter wouldn't
melt in his mouth. His low voice, his deferential manner, his pained
surprise at suggestion of wanting to do anything else but catch
those whitebait with a line, take one's breath away. A wonderful man
CHUNNEL-TANNEL, but dangerous on this tack. Known him and fought him
man and boy for twenty years; fear him most when in melting mood."
_Business done._--Discussing Tithes Bill.
_Friday._--Met HART DYKE walking about Corridor with contemplative
air. Debate on Education Vote going forward in House. "How is it you
aren't on Treasury Bench?" I asked.
"Can't stand any more of it, TOBY. My hair positively beginning to
frizzle under heat of blushes. Never suspected myself of being
such Heavenborn Education Minister. But they all say it--MUNDELLA,
PLAYFAIR, LUBBOCK, and even SAM SMITH. CRANBORNE and TALBOT not quite
so sure; but on other side one chorus of approval. Bore it pretty well
for hour or so; but at end of that time grows embarrassing. Just came
out for little walk; look in again presently."
On Report of Supply, GEORGE CAMPBELL strolled in from the Pacific;
proposed to call attention to mission of Sir LINTON SIMMONS to the
POPE. No Vote connected therewith happens to be in Estimates; so
SPEAKER ruled him out of Order.
[Illustration: Minister of Education.]
"Oh, very well," said GEORGE; "that's out of order is it? Well, let
me see, there's Japan;" and he talked for thirty-five minutes about
Japan.
_Business done._--Education Vote agreed to.
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