MCFUDD'S BRASS BAND
Our hero had been installed at Miss Teetum's for a month or more, when
one night at dinner a tiny envelope about the size of a visiting-card
was brought in by the middle-aged waitress and laid beside Simmons's
plate. The envelope contained six orchestra seats at the Winter Garden
and was accompanied by a note which read as follows: "Bring some of the
boys; the piece drags."
The musician studied the note carefully and a broad smile broke over
his face. As one of the first violins at the Winter Garden, with a wide
acquaintance among desirable patrons of the theatre, he had peculiar
facilities for obtaining free private boxes and orchestra chairs not
only at his own theatre, but often at Wallack's in Broome Street and
the old Bowery. Simmons was almost always sure to have tickets when the
new piece needed booming, or when an old play failed to amuse and the
audiences had begun to shrink. Indeed, the mystery of Mrs. Schuyler Van
Tassell's frequent appearance in the left-hand proscenium box at the
Winter Garden on Friday nights--a mystery unexplained among the
immediate friends in Tarrytown, who knew how she husbanded her
resources despite her accredited wealth--was no mystery at all to the
guests at Miss Teetum's table, who were in the habit of seeing just
such tiny envelopes handed to Simmons during soup, and duly passed by
him to that distinguished leader of society. Should more than two
tickets be enclosed, Mrs. Van T. would, perhaps, invite. Mr.
Ruffle-shirt Tomlins, or some other properly attired person, to
accompany her--never Miss Ann or the little hunchback, who dearly loved
the play, but who could seldom afford to go--never anybody, in fact,
who wore plain clothes or looked a compromising acquaintance.
On this night, however, Pussy Me-ow Simmons, ignoring Mrs. Van Tassell,
turned to Oliver.
"Ollie," he whispered--the formalities had ceased between the members
of the Skylarks--"got anything to do to-night?"
"No; why?"
And then, Simmons, with various imaginary poundings of imaginary canes
on the threadbare carpet beneath his chair, and with sundry
half-smothered bursts of real laughter in which Fred and Oliver joined,
unfolded his programme for the evening--a programme which was agreed to
so rapturously that the trio before dinner was over excused themselves
to their immediate neighbors and bounded upstairs, three steps at a
time. There they pulled the Walrus out of his bed and woke up McFudd,
who had gone to sleep before dinner, and whom nobody had called. Then
having sent my Lord Cockburn to find Ruffle-shirt Tomlins, who by this
time was paying court to Miss Euphemia in the front parlor, and having
pinned a ticket to Mr. Fog-horn Cranch's door, with instructions to
meet them in the lobby the moment he returned, they all slipped on
their overcoats, picked up their canes, and started for the theatre.
Six young fellows, all with red blood in their veins, steel springs
under their toes and laughter in their hearts! Six comrades, pals,
good-fellows, skipping down the avenue as gay as colts and happy as
boys--no thought for to-day and no care for to-morrow! Each man with a
free ticket in his pocket and a show ahead of him. No wonder the
bluecoats looked after them and smiled; no wonder the old fellow with
the shaky legs, waiting at the corner for one of the squad to help him
over, gave a sigh as he watched McFudd, with cane in air, drilling his
recruits, all five abreast. No wonder the tired shop-girls glanced at
them enviously as they swung into Broadway chanting the "Dead Man's
Chorus," with Oliver's voice sounding clear as a bell above the din of
the streets.
The play was a melodrama of the old, old school. There was a young
heroine in white, and a handsome lover in top-boots and white trousers,
and a cruel uncle who wanted her property. And there was a particularly
brutal villain with leery eyes, ugly mouth, with one tooth gone, and an
iron jaw like a hull-dog's. He was attired in a fur cap, brown corduroy
jacket, with a blood-red handkerchief twisted about his throat, and he
carried a bludgeon. When the double-dyed villain proceeded in the third
act to pound the head of the lovely maiden to a jelly at the
instigation of the base uncle, concealed behind a painted tree-trunk,
and the lover rushed in and tried to save her, every pair of hands
except Oliver's came together in raptures of applause, assisted by a
vigorous hammering of canes on the floor.
"Pound away, Ollie," whispered Simmons; "that's what we came for; you
are spoiling all our fun. The manager is watching us. Pound away, I
tell you. There he is inside that box."
"I won't," said Oliver, in a tone of voice strangely in contrast with
the joyousness of an hour before.
"Then you won't get any more free tickets," muttered Simmons in
surprise.
"I don't want them. I don't believe in murdering people on the stage,
or anywhere else. That man's face is horrible; I'm sorry I came."
Simmons laughed, and, shielding his mouth with his hand, repeated
Oliver's outburst to Waller, who, having first sent news of it down the
line, reached over and shook Oliver's hand gravely, while he wiped a
theatrical tear from his eye; while my Lord Cockburn, with feet and
hands still busy, returned word to Oliver by Tomlins, "not to make a
colossal ass of himself." Oliver bore their ridicule good-naturedly,
but without receding from his opinion in any way, a fact which
ultimately raised him in the estimation of the group. Only when the
villain was thrown over the pasteboard cliff into a canvas sea by the
gentleman in top-boots, to be devoured by sharks or cut up by pirates,
or otherwise disposed of as befitted so blood-thirsty and cruel a
monster, did Oliver join in the applause.
The play over, and Simmons having duly reported to the manager--who was
delighted with the activity of the feet, but who advised that next time
the sticks be left at home--the happy party sailed up Broadway, this
time by threes and twos, swinging their canes as before, and threading
their way in and out of the throngs that filled the street.
The first stop was made at the corner of Thirteenth Street by McFudd,
who turned his troop abruptly to the right and marched them down a
flight of steps into a cellar, where they immediately attacked a huge
wash-tub filled with steamed clams, and covered with a white cloth to
keep them hot. This was the bar's free lunch. The clams devoured--six
each--and the necessary beers paid for, the whole party started to
retrace their steps, when Simmons stopped to welcome a new-corner who
had entered the cellar unperceived by the barkeeper, and who was
bending over the wash-tub of clams, engaged in picking out the smallest
of the bivalves with the end of all iron fork. He had such a
benevolent, kindly face, and was so courtly in his bearing, and spoke
with so soft and gentle a voice, that Oliver, who stood next to
Simmons, lingered to listen.
"Oh, my dear Simmons," cried the old gentleman, "we missed you
to-night. When are you coming back to us? The orchestra is really
getting to be deplorable. Miss Gannon quite broke down in her song. We
must protest, my boy; we must protest. I saw you in front, but you
should be wielding the baton. And is this young gentleman one of your
friends?"
"Yes--Mr. Horn. Ollie, let me introduce you to Mr. Gilbert, the
actor"--and he laid his hand on Oliver's shoulder--"dear John Gilbert,
as we always call him."
Oliver looked up into the kindly, sweet face of the man, and a curious
sensation passed over him. Could this courtly, perfectly well-bred old
gentleman, with his silver-white hair, beaming smile and gentle voice,
the equal of any of his father's guests, be an actor? Could he possibly
belong to the profession which, of all others, Oliver had been taught
to despise? The astonishment of our young hero was so great that for a
moment he could not speak.
Simmons thought he read Oliver's mind, and came to his rescue.
"My friend, Mr. Horn, did not like the play to-night, Mr. Gilbert," he
said. "He thinks the death-scene was horrible"--and Simmons glanced
smiling at the others who stood at a little distance watching the
interview with great interest.
"Dear me, dear me, you don't say so. What was it you objected to, may I
ask?" There was a trace of anxiety in his voice.
"Why, the murder-scene, sir. It seemed to me too dreadful to kill a
woman in that way. I haven't forgotten it yet," and a distressed look
passed over Oliver's face. "But then I have seen but very few plays,"
he added--"none like that."
The old actor looked at him with a relieved expression.
"Ah, yes, I see. Yes, you're indeed right. As you say, it is quite a
dreadful scene."
"Oh, then you've seen it yourself, sir," said Oliver, in a relieved
tone.
The old actor's eyes twinkled. He, too, had read the young man's
mind--not a difficult task when one looked down into Oliver's eyes.
"Oh, many, many times," he answered with a smile. "I have known it for
years. In the old days, when they would smash the poor lady's head,
they used to have a pan of gravel which they would crunch with a stick
to imitate the breaking of the bones. It was quite realistic from the
front, but that was given up long ago. How did YOU like the business
to-night, Mr. Simmons?" and he turned to the musician.
"Oh, admirable, sir. We all thought it had never been better played or
better put on," and he glanced again toward his companions, who stood
apart, listening breathlessly to every word that fell from the actor's
lips.
"Ah, I am glad of it. Brougham will be so pleased--and yet it shocked
you, Mr. Horn--and you really think the poor lady minded it? Dear me!
How pleased she will be when I tell her the impression it all made upon
you. She's worked so hard over the part and has been so nervous about
it. I left her only a moment ago--she and her husband wanted me to take
supper with them at Riley's--the new restaurant on University Place,
you know, famous for its devilled crabs. But I always like to come here
for my clams. Allow me a moment--" and he bent over the steaming tub,
and skewering the contents of a pair of shells with his iron fork held
it out toward Oliver.
"Let me beg of you, Mr. Horn, to taste this clam. I am quite sure it is
a particularly savory one. After this my dear young friend, I hope
you'll have a better opinion of me." And his eye twinkled. "I am really
better than I look--indeed I am--and so, my dear boy, is this clam.
Come, come, it is getting cold."
"What do you mean by 'a better opinion' of you, Mr. Gilbert?" stammered
Oliver. He had been completely captivated by the charm of the actor's
manner. "Why shouldn't I think well of you?--I don't understand."
"Why--because I strangled the poor lady to-night. You know, of
course--that it was I who played the villain."
"You!" exclaimed Oliver. "No, I did not, sir. Why, Mr. Gilbert, I can't
realize--oh, I hope you'll forgive me for what I've said. I've only
been in New York a short time, and--"
The old gentleman cut short Oliver's explanation with a wave of his
fork, and looking down into the boy's face, said in a serious tone:
"My son, you're quite right. Quite right--and I like you all the better
for it. All such plays are dreadful I feel just as you do about them,
but what can we actors do? The public will have it that way."
Another little prejudice toppled from its pedestal, another household
tradition of Oliver's smashed into a thousand pieces at his feet! This
rubbing and grinding process of man against man; this seeing with one's
own eyes and not another's was fast rounding out and perfecting the
impressionable clay of our young gentleman's mind. It was a lesson,
too, the scribe is delighted to say, which our hero never forgot; nor
did he ever forget the man who taught it. One of his greatest delights
in after-years was to raise his hat to this incomparable embodiment of
the dignity and courtliness of the old school. The old gentleman had
long since forgotten the young fellow, but that made no difference to
Oliver--he would cross the street any time to lift his hat to dear John
Gilbert.
The introduction of the other members of the club to the villain being
over--they had stood the whole time, they were listening to the actor,
each head uncovered--McFudd again marshalled his troop and proceeded up
Broadway, where, at Oliver's request, they were halted at the pedestal
of the big Bronze Horse and within sight of their own quarters.
Here McFudd insisted that the club should sing "God Save the Queen" to
the Father of his Country, where he sat astride of his horse, which was
accordingly done, much to the delight of a couple of night-watchmen,
who watched the entire performance and who, upon McFudd's subsequent
inspection, proved to be fellow-countrymen of the distinguished
Hibernian.
Had the buoyant and irrepressible Irishman been content with this
patriotic outburst as the final winding-up of the night's outing, and
had he then and there betaken himself and his fellows off to bed, the
calamity which followed, and which so nearly wrecked the Skylarks,
might have been avoided.
It is difficult at any time to account for the workings of Fate or to
follow the course of its agents. The track of an earth-worm destroys a
dam; the parting of a wire wrecks a bridge; the breaking of a root
starts an avalanche; the flaw in an axle dooms a train; the sting of a
microbe depopulates a city. But none of these unseen, mysterious
agencies was at work--nothing so trivial wrecked the Skylarks.
It was a German street-band!
A band whose several members had watched McFudd and his party from
across the street, and who had begun limbering their instruments before
the sextet had ceased singing; regarding the situation, no doubt, as
pregnant with tips.
McFudd did not give the cornet time to draw his instrument from its
woollen bag before he had him by the arm.
"Don't put a mouthful of wind into that horn of yours until I spake to
ye," he cried in vociferous tones.
The leader stopped and looked at him in a dazed way.
"I have an idea, gentlemen," added McFudd, turning to his companion's,
and tapping his forehead. "I am of the opinion that this music would be
wasted on the night air, and so with your parmission I propose to
transfer this orchestra to the top flure, where we can listen to their
chunes at our leisure. Right about, face! Forward! March!" and McFudd
advanced upon the band, wheeled the drum around, and, locking arms with
the cornet, started across the street for the stone steps.
"Not a word out of any o' ye till I get 'em in," McFudd continued in a
low voice, fumbling in his pocket for his night-key.
The musicians obeyed mechanically and tiptoed one by one inside the
dimly lighted hall, followed by Oliver and the others.
"Now take off your shoes; you've four flights of stairs to crawl up,
and if ye make a noise until I'm ready for ye, off goes a dollar of
your pay."
The bass-drum carefully backed his instrument against the wall, sat
down on the floor, and began pulling off his boots; the cornet and
bassoon followed; the clarionet wore only his gum shoes, and so was
permitted to keep them on.
"Now, Walley, me boy, do you go ahead and turn up the gas and open the
piano, and Cockburn, old man, will ye kindly get the blower and tongs
out of Freddie's room and the scuttle out of Tomlins's closet and the
Chinese gong that hangs over me bed? And all you fellers go ahead
treading on whispers, d'ye moind?" said McFudd under his breath. "I'll
bring up this gang with me. Not a breath out of any o' yez remimber,
till I get there. The drum's unhandy and we got to go slow wid it," and
he slipped the strap over his head and started upstairs, followed by
the band.
The ascent was made without a sound until old Mr. Lang's door was
reached, when McFudd's foot slipped, and, but for the bassoonist's
head, both the Irishman and the drum would have rolled down-stairs.
Lang heard the sound, and recognizing the character of the attendant
imprecation, did not get up. "It's only McFudd," he said quietly to his
suddenly awakened wife.
Once safe upon the attic floor the band who were entering with great
gusto into the spirit of the occasion, arranged themselves in a
half-circle about the piano, replaced their shoes, stripped their
instruments of their coverings--the cornetist breathing noiselessly
into the mouth-pieces to thaw out the frost--and stood at attention for
McFudd's orders.
By this time Simmons had taken his seat at the piano; Cockburn held the
blower and tongs; Cranch, who on coming in had ignored the card tacked
to his door, and who was found fast asleep in his chair, was given the
coal-scuttle; and little Tomlins grasped his own wash-basin in one hand
and Fred's poker in the other. Oliver was to sing the air, and Fred was
to beat a tattoo on Waller's door with the butt end of a cane. The gas
had been turned up and every kerosene lamp had been lighted and ranged
about the hall. McFudd threw off his coat and vest, cocked a Scotch
smoking-cap over one eye, and seizing the Chinese gong in one hand and
the wooden mallet in the other, climbed upon the piano and faced his
motley orchestra.
"Attintion, gentlemen," whispered McFudd.
"The first chune will be 'Old Dog Tray,' because it begins wid a lovely
howl. Remimber now, when I hit this gong that's the signal for yez to
begin, and ye'll all come together wid wan smash. Then the band will
play a bar or two, and then every man Jack o' ye will go strong on the
chorus. Are yez ready?"
McFudd swung his mallet over his head; poised it for an instant; ran
his eye around the circle with the air of an impresario; saw that the
drum was in position, the horns and clarionet ready, the blower,
scuttle, tongs, and other instruments of torture in place, and hit the
gong with all his might.
The crash that followed woke every boarder in the house and tumbled
half of them out of their beds. Long before the chorus had been reached
all the doors had been thrown open, and the halls and passageways
filled with the startled boarders. Then certain mysterious-looking
figures in bed-gowns, water-proofs, and bath-robes began bounding up
the stairs, and a collection of dishevelled heads were thrust through
the door of the attic. Some of the suddenly awakened boarders tried to
stop the din by protest; others threatened violence; one or two grinned
with delight. Among these last was the little hunchback, swathed in a
blanket like an Indian chief, and barefooted. He had rushed upstairs at
the first sound as fast as his little legs could carry him, and was
peering under the arms of the others, rubbing his sides with glee and
laughing like a boy. Mrs. Schuyler Van Tassell, whose head and
complexion were not ready for general inspection, had kept her door
partly closed, opening it only wide enough when the other boarders
rushed by to let her voice through--always an unpleasant organ when
that lady had lost her temper.
As the face of each new arrival appeared in the doorway, McFudd would
bow gracefully in recognition of the honor of its presence, and
redouble his attack on the gong. The noise he produced was only
equalled by that of the drum, which never ceased for an
instant--McFudd's orders being to keep that instrument going
irrespective of time or tune.
In the midst of this uproar of brass, strings, sheep-skin, wash-bowls,
broken coal, pokers and tongs, a lean figure in curl-papers and
slippers, bright red calico wrapper reaching to the floor, and a
lighted candle in one hand, forced its way through the crowd at the
door and stood out in the glare of the gaslights facing McFudd.
It was Miss Ann Teetum!
Instantly a silence fell upon the room.
"Gentlemen, this is outrageous!" she cried in a voice that ripped
through the air like a saw. "I have put up with these disgraceful
performances as long as I am going to. Not one of you shall stay in my
house another night. Out you go in the morning, every one of you, bag
and baggage!"
McFudd attempted to make an apology. Oliver stepped forward, the color
mounting to his cheeks, and Waller began a protest at the unwarrantable
intrusion, but the infuriated little woman waved them all aside and
turning abruptly marched back through the door and down the staircase,
preceded by the other female boarders. The little hunchback alone
remained. He was doubled up in a knot, wiping the tears from his eyes,
his breath gone from excessive laughter.
The Skylarkers looked at each other in blank astonishment. One of the
long-cherished traditions of the house was the inviolability of this
attic. Its rooms were let with an especial privilege guaranteeing its
privacy, with free license to make all the noise possible, provided the
racket was confined to that one floor. So careful had been its
occupants to observe this rule, that noisy as they all were when once
on the top floor, every man unlocked the front door at night with the
touch of a burglar and crept upstairs as noiselessly as a footpad.
"I'm sorry, men," said McFudd, looking into the astounded faces about
him. "I'm the last man, as ye know, to hurt anybody's feelings. But
what the divil's got into the old lady? Who'd 'a' thought she would
have heard a word of it down where she sleeps in the basement?"
"'Tis the Van Tassell," grunted the Walrus. "She's so mesmerized the
old woman lately that she don't know her own mind."
"What makes you think she put her up to it, Waller?" asked Cranch.
"I don't think--but it's just like her," answered Waller, with
illogical prejudice.
"My eye! wasn't she a beauty!" laughed Fred, and he picked up a bit of
charcoal and began an outline of the wrapper and slippers on the
side-wall.
Tomlins, Cranch, and the others had no suggestions to offer. Their
minds were too much occupied in wondering what was going to become of
them in the morning.
The German band by this time had regained their usual solidity. The
leader seemed immensely relieved. He had evidently expected the next
apparition to be a bluecoat with a pair of handcuffs.
"Put their green jackets on 'em," McFudd said to the leader quietly,
pointing to the instruments. "We're much obliged to you and your men
for coming up," and he slipped some notes into the leader's hand. "Now
get downstairs, every man o' ye, as aisy as if ye were walking on eggs.
Cranch, old man, will ye see 'em out, to kape that infernal drum from
butting into the Van Tassell's door, or we'll have another hornet's
nest. Begorra, there's wan thing very sure--it's little baggage I'LL
have to move out."
The next morning a row of six vacant seats stared Miss Ann out of
countenance. The outcasts had risen early and had gone to Riley's for
their breakfast. Miss Ann sat at the coffee-urn as stiff and erect as
an avenging judge. Lofty purpose and grim determination were written in
every line of her face. Mrs. Van Tassell was not in evidence. Her
nerves had been so shattered by the "night's orgy," she had said to
Miss Ann, that she should breakfast in her room. She further notified
Miss Teetum that she should at once withdraw her protecting presence
from the establishment, and leave it without a distinguished social
head, if the dwellers on the top floor remained another day under the
same roof with herself.
An ominous silence and depressing gloom seemed to hang over everybody.
Several of the older men pushed back their plates and began drumming oh
the table-cloth with their fingers, a far-away look in their eyes. One
or two talked in whispers, their coffee untasted. Old Mr. Lang looked
down the line of empty seats and took his place with a dejected air. He
was the oldest man in the house and the oldest boarder; this gave him
certain privileges, one being to speak his mind.
"I understand," he said, unfolding his napkin and facing. Miss Ann,
"that you have ordered the boys out of the house?"
"Yes, I have," snapped out Miss Teetum.
Everybody looked up. No one recognized the tone of her voice, it was so
sharp and bitter.
"Why, may I ask?"
"I will not have my house turned into a bear-garden, that's why!"
"That's better than a graveyard," retorted Mr. Lang. "That's what the
house would be without them. I can't understand why you object. You
sleep in the basement and shouldn't hear a sound; my wife and I sleep
under them every night. If we can stand it, you can. You send the boys
away, Miss Teetum, and we'll move out."
Miss Ann winced under the shot, but she did not answer.
"Do you mean that you're going to turn the young gentlemen into the
street, Miss Ann?" whined Mrs. Southwark Boggs in an injured tone, from
her end of the table. "Are we going to have no young life in the house
at all? I won't stay a day after they're gone."
Miss Teetum changed color, but she looked straight ahead of her. She
evidently did not want her private affairs discussed at the table.
"I shall want my bill at the end of the week, now that the boys are to
leave," remarked the little hunchback to Miss Ann as he bent over her
chair. "Life is dreary enough as it is."
And so the boys stayed on.
Only one room became vacant at the end of the month. That was Mrs.
Schuyler Van Tassell's.