DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I trust you will give me the hospitality of your
columns (and thus save me the cost of extensive advertising) to announce
that I intend to offer myself as a candidate for all the eleven
divisions at the forthcoming School Board Election. I do this for
several reasons. In the first place, as I have no more chance in any one
place more than in any other, I feel it quite impossible to make any
choice. Besides, to be elected at the top of eleven polls would be an
unique distinction, second only to being defeated at the bottom of
eleven. In the next place, as I can find no other persons who will come
forward on my platform, I am bound to offer myself everywhere. My views
are extensive, not to say peculiar. On the religious question, I agree
with everything that has been said by everybody. I hope in this way to
avoid incurring _odium theologicum_ of any kind. I am in favour of no
one paying rates unless he has children actually at a Board School. I am
told that this will not secure for me the Labour Vote, but it ought, at
any rate, to rally to my side all the "intelligent and respectable." On
all other points I believe I am well fitted to sit on the London School
Board. I understand that at its meetings oysters and Chablis are
sometimes the order of the day. If I am returned, my main object, I avow
it frankly, will be to make them the standing order. Soliciting the vote
of every patriotic citizen, I am,
Yours up-to-(being-a-candi-)date,
_October 27._