SCENE XXVII. (_continued_).--_The Chinese Drawing Room._ SPURRELL'S
_ingenuous remark upon the coincidence of the title of the volume in his
hand with the name of his bull-dog has produced a painful silence, which
no one has sufficient presence of mind to break for several seconds._
_Miss Spelwane_ (_to herself_). Not CLARION BLAIR! Not even a poet! I--I
could _slap_ him!
_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). Poor dear VIVIEN! But if people will insist
on patting a strange poet, they mustn't be surprised if they get a nasty
bite!
_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He _didn't_ write _Andromeda!_ Then he
hasn't got my letter after all! And I've been such a _brute_ to the poor
dear man! _How_ lucky I said nothing about it to GERALD!
_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). So he _ain't_ the bard!... Now I
see why MAISIE's been behavin' so oddly all the evenin'; she spotted
him, and didn't like to speak out. Tried to give me a hint, though.
Well, I shall stay out my leave now!
_Lady Rhoda_ (_to herself_). I thought all along he seemed too good a
sort for a poet!
_Archie_ (_to himself_). It's all very well; but how about that skit he
went up to write on us? He _must_ be a poet of sorts.
_Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris_ (_to herself_). This is fearfully puzzling. What
made him say that about "Lady Grisoline"?
_The Bishop_ (_to himself_). A crushing blow for the Countess; but not
unsalutary. I am distinctly conscious of feeling more kindly disposed to
that young man. Now why?
[_He ponders._
_Lady Lullington_ (_to herself_). I thought this young man was going to
read us some of his poetry; it's too tiresome of him to stop to tell us
about his bull-dog. As if anybody cared _what_ he called it!
_Lord Lullington_ (_to himself_). Uncommonly awkward, this! If I could
catch LAURA'S eye--but I suppose it would hardly be decent to go just
yet.
_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). Can ROHESIA have known this? What
possible object could she have had in----And oh, dear, how disgusted
RUPERT will be!
_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). Seems a decent young chap enough! Too bad
of ROHESIA to let him in for this. I don't care a straw what he is--he's
none the worse for not being a poet.
_Lady Cantire_ (_to herself_). What _is_ he maundering about? It's
utterly inconceivable that _I_ should have made any mistake. It's only
too clear what the cause is--_Claret!_
_Spurrell_ (_aloud, good-humouredly_). Too bad of you to try and spoof
me like this before everybody, Miss SPELWANE! I don't know whose idea it
was to play me such a trick, but----
_Miss Spelw._ (_indistinctly_). Please understand that nobody here had
the _least_ intention of playing a trick upon you!
_Spurr._ Well, if you say so, of course----But it looked rather like it,
asking me to read when I've about as much poetry in me as--as a pot hat!
Still, if I'm _wanted_ to read aloud, I shall be happy to oblige----
_Lady Culv._ (_hastily_). Indeed, _indeed_, Mr. SPURRELL, we couldn't
think of troubling you under the circumstances! (_In desperation._)
VIVIEN, my dear, won't you _sing_ something?
[_The company echo the request with unusual eagerness._
_Spurr._ (_to himself, during_ Miss SPELWANE'S _song_). Wonder what's
put them off being read to all of a sudden. (_As his eye happens to rest
on the binding of the volume on his knee._) Hullo! This cover's pink,
with silver things, not unlike cutlets, on it! Didn't EMMA ask me----?
By George, if it's _that!_ I may get down to the Housekeeper's Room,
after all! As soon as ever this squalling stops I'll find out; I _can't_
go on like this! (Miss SPELWANE _leaves the piano; everybody plunges
feverishly into conversation on the first subject--other than poetry or
dogs--that presents itself, until_ Lord _and_ Lady LULLINGTON _set a
welcome example of departure._) Better wait till these county nobs have
cleared, I suppose--there goes the last of 'em--now for it!... (_He
pulls himself together, and approaches his host and hostess._) Hem, Sir
RUPERT, and your ladyship, it's occurred to me that it's just barely
possible you may have got it into your heads that I was something in the
_poetical_ way.
_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). Not this poor young chap's fault; must let
him down as easily as possible! (_Aloud._) Not at all--not at all!
Ha--assure you we quite understand; no necessity to say another word
about it.
_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Just my luck! They quite understand! No
Housekeeper's Room for me this journey! (_Aloud._) Of course I knew the
Countess, there, and Lady MAISIE, were fully aware all along----(_To_
Lady MAISIE, _as stifled exclamations reach his ear._) You _were_,
weren't you?
_Lady Maisie_ (_hastily_). Yes, yes, Mr. SPURRELL. Of course! It's all
_perfectly_ right!
_Spurr._ (_to the others_). You see, I should never have thought of
coming in as a visitor if it hadn't been for the Countess; she would
_have_ it that it was all right, and that I needn't be afraid I
shouldn't be welcome.
_Lady Culv._ To be sure--any friend of my sister-in-law's----
_Lady Cant._ ALBINIA, I have refrained from speech as long as possible;
but this is really _too_ much! You _don't_ suppose I should have
introduced Mr. SPURRELL here unless I had had the strongest reasons for
knowing, however he may be pleased to mystify us now, that he, and
nobody else, is the author of _Andromeda!_ And I, for one, absolutely
decline to believe in this preposterous story of his about a bull-dog.
_Spurr._ But your ladyship must have known! Why, you as good as asked me
on the way here to put you down for a bull-pup!
_Lady Cant._ Never, never! A bull-pup is the last creature I should ever
dream of coveting. You were obliging enough to ask me to accept a
presentation copy of your verses.
_Spurr._ Was I? I don't exactly see how I _could_ have been, considering
I never made a rhyme in my life!
_Sir Rup._ There, there, ROHESIA, it was _your_ mistake; but as we are
indebted to it for the pleasure of making Mr. SPURRELL's
acquaintance----
_Lady Cant._ I am not in the habit of making mistakes, RUPERT. I don't
know what you and ALBINIA and MAISIE may know that I am in ignorance of,
but, since you seem to have been aware from the first that Mr. SPURRELL
was not the poet you had invited here to meet me, will you kindly
explain what has become of the _real_ author?
_Sir Rup._ My dear ROHESIA, I don't know and I don't _care!_
_Lady Cant._ There you are _wrong_, RUPERT, because it's obvious that if
he is not Mr. SPURRELL, his absence has to be accounted for in _some_
way.
_Spurr._ By Jove, I believe I can put you on the track. I shouldn't
wonder if he's the party these dress clothes of mine belong to! I
daresay you may have noticed they don't look as if they were made for
me?
_Lady Cant._ (_closing her eyes_). Pray let us avoid any sartorial
discussions! We are waiting to hear about this person.
_Spurr._ Well, I found I'd got on his things by mistake, and I went up
as soon as I could after dessert to my room to take 'em off, and there
he was, with a waste-paper basket on his head----
_Lady Cant._ A waste-paper basket on his head! And pray what should he
have _that_ for?
_Spurr._ He said he wouldn't take it off till he saw me. And I never saw
anyone in such a mess with ink and flour as he was!
_Lady Cant._ Ink and flour, indeed! This rigmarole gets more ridiculous
every moment! You can't seriously expect anyone here to believe it!
[ARCHIE _discreetly retires to the smoking-room._
_Spurr._ Well, I rather think somebody must have fixed up a booby trap
for _me_, you know, and he happened to go in first and get the benefit
of it. And he was riled, very naturally, thinking _I_'d done it, but
after we'd had a little talk together, he calmed down and said I might
keep his clothes, which I thought uncommonly good-natured of him, you
know. By the way, he gave me his card. Here it is, if your ladyship
would like to see it.
[_He hands it to_ Lady CULVERIN.
_Lady Culv._ "Mr. UNDERSHELL!" ... ROHESIA, that _is_ CLARION BLAIR! I
_knew_ it was _something_ ending in "ell." (_To_ SPURRELL.) And you say
Mr. UNDERSHELL is here--in this house?
_Spurr._ Not now. He's gone by this time.
_The Others_ (_in dismay_). Gone!
_Spurr._ He said he was leaving at once. If he'd only told me how it
was, I'd have----
_Lady Cant._ I don't believe a single word of all this! If Mr. SPURRELL
is not CLARION BLAIR, let him explain how he came to be coming down to
Wyvern this afternoon!
[_Partial reaction in company._
_Spurr._ If your ladyship doesn't really know, you had better ask Sir
RUPERT; _he_'ll tell you it's all right.
_Lady Cant._ Then perhaps _you_ will be good enough to enlighten us,
RUPERT?
_Sir Rup._ (_driven into a corner_). Why, 'pon my word, I'm bound to say
that I'm just as much in the dark as anybody else, if it comes to that!
_Spurr._ (_eagerly_). But you wired me to come, Sir! About a horse of
yours! I've been wondering all the evening when you'd tell me I could go
round and have a look at him. I'm here instead of Mr. SPAVIN--_now_ do
you understand, Sir RUPERT? I'm the Vet.
[_Suppressed sensation._
_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). This is devilish awkward! Don't quite know
what to do. (_Aloud._) To--to be sure you are! Of course! That's it,
ROHESIA! Mr. SPURRELL came down to see a horse, and we shall be very
glad to have the benefit of his opinion by-and-by.
[_He claps him amicably on the shoulder._
_Lady Cant._ (_in a sepulchral tone_). ALBINIA, I think I will go to
bed.
[_She withdraws._
_Sir Rup._ (_to himself_). There'll be no harm in letting him stay, now
he _is_ here. If ROHESIA objects, she's got nobody but herself to blame
for it!
_Spurr._ (_to himself_). They won't want to keep me upstairs much longer
after this! (TREDWELL _enters, and seems to have something of importance
to communicate to_ Sir RUPERT _in private._) I wonder what the dooce is
up _now!_
[Illustration: "Albinia, I think I will go to bed!"]
* * * * *