_Auditor._ Oh, what larks!
[_Subsides into a chair, and takes two minutes to recover from
his fit of merriment._
_Clerk_ (_surprised_). I really fail to see where the joke comes in.
_Auditor._ Oh, don't you know? I'm one of the new class of comic
auditors--"made in Manchester." What tickles me is this item of £17 for
gold match-boxes for lighting the cigars of the Mayor and Aldermen on
the occasion of the visit to the Sewage Farm. _There's_ persiflage, if
you like!
_Clerk_ (_smiling_). I'm glad you take so humorous a view of the matter.
Of course you allow that expenditure?
_Auditor._ Allow it! Not for worlds. Then--(_with difficulty restraining
another outburst of mirth_)--how about "£27 for oysters and Chablis"
after the visit?
_Clerk._ The Council naturally required some refreshment at the end of
the journey--quite a quarter of a mile, in their own carriages--and
oysters were rather dear just then--a little out of season.
_Auditor_ (_after a guffaw_). Capital! "Out of season"--out of reason,
too, _I_ should say. Of course I must surcharge the oysters and Chablis.
Really, I'm enjoying myself immensely!
_Clerk_ (_gloomily_). I hope the Council will feel equal enjoyment at
your report. Do you mean seriously----
_Auditor._ Seriously! Not a bit of it. I tell you I'm a comic character.
And what better practical joke can one play than suddenly to come down
on public officials with an audit disallowing all their little personal
luxuries? Afraid I must strike out these items of "Visits to Olympia by
Corporation to inspect the lighting arrangements," and "Ditto at Empire
and Alhambra Theatres." No doubt the Aldermen will be glad to pay for
them themselves. Now I think the business is finished. Lunch? No,
thanks. A screaming joke like this is lunch enough for me.
[_Crams handkerchief in mouth, and exit._
* * * * *
CANT _v._ CANT.
If "want of decency is want of sense,"
So want of sense may very likely lead
To want of decency. The poor pretence
Of interested vice sense will not heed.
A satyr's satire is but sorry stuff;
Anti-Cant's canting is most sickening fudge.
Belial, who backs his trade with bounce and bluff,
Wins not a case where wisdom is the judge.
Protests against the pryings of the prude
Are not to help the profitably lewd.
* * * * *