and a half,[130] of these I calculate there may be about two hundred
thousand couple whose wives are breeders, from which number I subtract
thirty thousand couples, who are able to maintain their own children,
although I apprehend there cannot be so many under the present
distresses of the kingdom, but this being granted, there will remain an
hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand
for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident, or
disease within the year. There only remain an hundred and twenty
thousand children of poor parents annually born: The question therefore
is, how this number shall be reared, and provided for, which, as I have
already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly
impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed, for we can neither
employ them in handicraft, or agriculture; we neither build houses, (I
mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a
livelihood by stealing till they arrive at six years old, except where
they are of towardly parts, although, I confess they learn the rudiments
much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked
upon only as _probationers_, as I have been informed by a principal
gentleman in the County of Cavan, who protested to me, that he never
knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of
the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl, before twelve years
old, is no saleable commodity, and even when they come to this age, they
will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at
most on the Exchange, which cannot turn to account either to the parents
or the kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least
four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will
not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in
London,[131] that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a
most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,
baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
fricassee, or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration, that of the
hundred and twenty thousand children, already computed, twenty thousand
may be reserved for breed, whereof only one fourth part to be males,
which is more than we allow to sheep, black-cattle, or swine, and my
reason is that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a
circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will
be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand
may at a year old be offered in sale to the persons of quality, and
fortune, through the kingdom, always advising the mother to let them
suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump, and fat
for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for
friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will
make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will
be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium, that a child just born will weigh 12
pounds, and in a solar year if tolerably nursed increaseth to 28 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for
landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem
to have the best title to the children.
Infants' flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful
in March, and a little before and after, for we are told by a grave
author an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet,
there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine
months after Lent, than at any other season; therefore reckoning a year
after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the
number of Popish infants, is at least three to one in this kingdom, and
therefore it will have one other collateral advantage by lessening the
number of Papists among us.
I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which
list I reckon all cottagers, labourers, and four-fifths of the farmers)
to be about two shillings _per annum_, rags included, and I believe no
gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good
fat child, which, as I have said will make four dishes of excellent
nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend, or his own
family to dine with him. Thus the Squire will learn to be a good
landlord, and grow popular among his tenants, the mother will have eight
shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another
child.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may
flay the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make
admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
As to our City of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose, in
the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not
be wanting, although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and
dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I
highly esteem, was lately pleased, in discoursing on this matter, to
offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said, that many gentlemen of this
kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want
of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and
maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age, nor under twelve, so great
a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve, for
want of work and service: and these to be disposed of by their parents
if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due
deference to so excellent a friend, and so deserving a patriot, I cannot
be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American
acquaintance assured me from frequent experience, that their flesh was
generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys, by continual
exercise, and their taste disagreeable, and to fatten them would not
answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think with humble
submission, be a loss to the public, because they soon would become
breeders themselves: And besides, it is not improbable that some
scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice, (although
indeed very unjustly) as a little bordering upon cruelty, which, I
confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any
project, however so well intended.
But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was
put into his head by the famous Psalmanazar,[132] a native of the
island Formosa, who came from thence to London, above twenty years ago,
and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young
person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to
persons of quality, as a prime dainty, and that, in his time, the body
of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison
the emperor, was sold to his Imperial Majesty's Prime Minister of State,
and other great Mandarins of the Court, in joints from the gibbet, at
four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use
were made of several plump young girls in this town, who, without one
single groat to their fortunes, cannot stir abroad without a chair, and
appear at the playhouse, and assemblies in foreign fineries, which they
never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast
number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have
been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken, to ease the
nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain
upon that matter, because it is very well known, that they are every day
dying, and rotting, by cold, and famine, and filth, and vermin, as fast
as can be reasonably expected. And as to the younger labourers they are
now in almost as hopeful a condition. They cannot get work, and
consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree, that if at
any time they are accidentally hired to common labour, they have not
strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily
delivered from the evils to come.
I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I
think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and
many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the
number of Papists, with whom we are yearly over-run, being the principal
breeders of the nation, as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who
stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the
Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good
Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country, than stay at
home, and pay tithes against their conscience, to an Episcopal
curate.[133]
Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own,
which by law may be made liable to distress, and help to pay their
landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and _money
a thing unknown_.
Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from
two years old, and upwards, cannot be computed at less than ten
shillings a piece _per annum_, the nation's stock will be thereby
increased fifty thousand pounds _per annum_, besides the profit of a new
dish, introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the
kingdom, who have any refinement in taste, and the money will circulate
among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and
manufacture.
Fourthly, The constant breeders, besides the gain of eight shillings
sterling _per annum_, by the sale of their children, will be rid of the
charge of maintaining them after the first year.
Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns, where
the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best
receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their
houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves
upon their knowledge in good eating; and a skilful cook, who understands
how to oblige his guests will contrive to make it as expensive as they
please.
Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise
nations have either encouraged by rewards, or enforced by laws and
penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers toward
their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life, to the
poor babes, provided in some sort by the public to their annual profit
instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married
women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market, men
would become as fond of their wives, during the time of their pregnancy,
as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, or sows when
they are ready to farrow, nor offer to beat or kick them (as it is too
frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.
Many other advantages might be enumerated: For instance, the addition of
some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barrelled beef; the
propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in the art of making good
bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too
frequent at our tables, which are no way comparable in taste, or
magnificence to a well-grown, fat yearling child, which roasted whole
will make a considerable figure at a Lord Mayor's feast, or any other
public entertainment. But this, and many others I omit being studious of
brevity.
Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be constant
customers for infants' flesh, besides others who might have it at
merry-meetings, particularly weddings and christenings, I compute that
Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand carcasses, and the
rest of the kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper)
the remaining eighty thousand.
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against
this proposal, unless it should be urged that the number of people will
be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and was
indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the
reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy _for this one
individual Kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or,
I think, ever can be upon earth_. Therefore let no man talk to me of
other expedients: _Of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound: Of
using neither clothes, nor household furniture, except what is of our
own growth and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and
instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of curing the expensiveness of
pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein
of parsimony, prudence and temperance: Of learning to love our Country,
wherein we differ even from_ LAPLANDERS, _and the inhabitants
of_ TOPINAMBOO:[134] _Of quitting our animosities and factions,
nor act any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one another at the
very moment their city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell
our country and consciences for nothing:[135] Of teaching landlords to
have at least one degree of mercy toward their tenants. Lastly of
putting a spirit of honesty, industry and skill into our shopkeepers,
who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods,
would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the
measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one
fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to
it_.[136]
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like
expedients, till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will
ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them in practice.
But as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering
vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of
success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which as it is wholly
new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little
trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in
_disobliging_ ENGLAND. For this kind of commodity will not
bear exportation,[137] the flesh being of too tender a consistence, to
admit a long continuance in salt, _although perhaps I could name a
country, which would be glad to eat up our whole nation without it_.
After all I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, as to reject
any offer, proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent,
cheap, easy and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be
advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire
the author, or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points.
First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find food and
raiment for an hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly,
there being a round million of creatures in human figure, throughout
this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock, would
leave them in debt two millions of pounds sterling adding those, who are
beggars by profession, to the bulk of farmers, cottagers and labourers
with their wives and children, who are beggars in effect. I desire those
politicians, who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold to
attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these
mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness
to have been sold for food at a year old, in the manner I prescribe, and
thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes, as they have
since gone through, by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of
paying rent without money or trade, the want of common sustenance, with
neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies of the
weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like, or
greater miseries upon their breed for ever.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least
personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having
no other motive than the _public good of my country, by advancing our
trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some
pleasure to the rich_. I have no children, by which I can propose to get
a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past
child-bearing.
ANSWER TO THE CRAFTSMAN.
NOTE.
This "Answer" forms an excellent continuation of the "Modest
Proposal." It is in an entirely different vein, but is, in its own
way, an admirable example of Swift's strength in handling a public
question. The English government had been offering every facility
to French officers for recruiting their army from Ireland. The
"Craftsman" made some strong remarks on this, and Primate Boulter,
in his letter to the Duke of Newcastle, under date October 14th,
1730, told his Grace, "that after consulting with the Lords
Justices on the subject he found that they apprehend there will be
greater difficulties in this affair than at first offered." He
enters into the difficulties to be overcome in order to act in
consonance with the wishes of his Majesty, and promises that
"effectual care shall be taken that none of the officers who are
come hither, suffer on this account" (Letter, pp. 26-27, vol. ii.,
Dublin, edit. 1770). Swift uses the matter for his own purposes and
ironically welcomes this chance for the depopulation of Ireland.
"When our island is a desert, we will send all our raw material to
England, and receive from her all our manufactured articles. A
leather coinage will be all we want, separated, as we shall then
be, from all human kind. We shall have lost all; but we may be left
in peace, and we shall have no more to tempt the plunderer." Scott
styles this "Answer" a masterpiece.
* * * * *
The text of this edition is based on that given by Faulkner in the
ninth volume of his edition of Swift issued in 1772.
[T. S.]
ANSWER TO THE CRAFTSMAN.[138]
SIR,
I detest reading your papers, because I am not of your principles, and
because I cannot endure to be convinced. Yet I was prevailed on to
peruse your Craftsman of December the 12th, wherein I discover you to be
as great an enemy of this country, as you are of your own. You are
pleased to reflect on a project I proposed, of making the children of
Irish parents to be useful to the public instead of being
burdensome;[139] and you venture to assert, that your own scheme is more
charitable, of not permitting our Popish natives to be listed in the
service of any foreign prince.
Perhaps, sir, you may not have heard of any kingdom so unhappy as this,
both in their imports and exports. We import a sort of goods, of no
intrinsic value, which costeth us above forty thousand pounds a year to
dress, and scour, and polish them, which altogether do not yield one
penny advantage;[140] and we annually export above seven hundred
thousand pounds a year in another kind of goods, for which we receive
not one single farthing in return; even the money paid for the letters
sent in transacting this commerce being all returned to England. But
now, when there is a most lucky opportunity offered to begin a trade,
whereby this nation will save many thousand pounds a year, and England
be a prodigious gainer, you are pleased, without a call, officiously and
maliciously to interpose with very frivolous arguments.
It is well known, that about sixty years ago the exportation of live
cattle from hence to England was a great benefit to both kingdoms, until
that branch of traffic was stopped by an act of Parliament on your side,
whereof you have had sufficient reason to repent.[141] Upon which
account, when another act passed your Parliament, forbidding the
exportation of live men to any foreign country, you were so wise to put
in a clause, allowing it to be done by his Majesty's permission, under
his sign manual,[142] for which, among other great benefits granted to
Ireland, we are infinitely obliged to the British legislature. Yet this
very grace and favour you, Mr. D'Anvers, whom we never disobliged, are
endeavouring to prevent; which, I will take upon me to say, is a
manifest mark of your disaffection to his Majesty, a want of duty to the
ministry, and a wicked design of oppressing this kingdom, and a
traitorous attempt to lessen the trade and manufacture of England.
Our truest and best ally, the Most Christian King,[143] hath obtained
his Majesty's licence, pursuant to law, to export from hence some
thousand bodies of healthy, young, living men, to supply his Irish
regiments. The King of Spain, as you assert yourself, hath desired the
same civility, and seemeth to have at least as good a claim. Supposing
then that these two potentates will only desire leave to carry off six
thousand men between them to France and Spain; then, by computing the
maintenance of a tall, hungry Irishman, in food and clothes, to be only
at five pounds a head, here will be thirty thousand pounds per annum
saved clear to the nation; for they can find no other employment at
home, beside begging, robbing, or stealing. But, if thirty, forty, or
fifty thousand (which we could gladly spare) were sent on the same
errand, what an immense benefit must it be to us! And if the two
princes, in whose service they were, should happen to be at war with
each other, how soon would those recruits be destroyed! Then what a
number of friends would the Pretender lose, and what a number of Popish
enemies all true Protestants get rid of! Add to this, that then, by such
a practice, the lands of Ireland, that want hands for tillage, must be
employed in grazing, which would sink the price of wool, raw hides,
butter, and tallow, so that the English might have them at their own
rates, and in return send us wheat to make our bread, barley to brew our
drink, and oats for our houses, without any labour of our own.
Upon this occasion, I desire humbly to offer a scheme, which, in my
opinion, would best answer the true interests of both kingdoms: For
although I bear a most tender filial affection to England, my dear
native country, yet I cannot deny but this noble island hath a great
share in my love and esteem; nor can I express how much I desire to see
it flourish in trade and opulence, even beyond its present happy
condition.
The profitable land of this kingdom is, I think, usually computed at
seventeen millions of acres, all which I propose to be wholly turned to
grazing. Now, it is found by experience, that one grazier and his family
can manage two thousand acres. Thus sixteen millions eight hundred
thousand acres may be managed by eight thousand four hundred families;
and the fraction of two hundred thousand acres will be more than
sufficient for cabins, out-houses, and potatoe-gardens; because it is to
be understood that corn of all sorts must be sent to us from England.
These eight thousand four hundred families may be divided among the four
provinces, according to the number of houses in each province; and
making the equal allowance of eight to a family, the number of
inhabitants will amount to sixty-seven thousand two hundred souls. To
these we are to add a standing army of twenty thousand English; which,
together with their trulls, their bastards, and their horse-boys, will,
by a gross computation, very near double the count, and be very
sufficient for the defence and grazing of the kingdom, as well as to
enrich our neighbours, expel popery, and keep out the Pretender. And,
lest the army should be at a loss for business, I think it would be very
prudent to employ them in collecting the public taxes for paying
themselves and the civil list.
I advise, that all the owners of these lands should live constantly in
England, in order to learn politeness, and qualify themselves for
employments; but, for fear of increasing the natives in this island,
that an annual draught, according to the number born every year, be
exported to whatever prince will bear the carriage, or transplanted to
the English dominions on the American continent, as a screen between his
Majesty's English subjects and the savage Indians.
I advise likewise, that no commodity whatsoever, of this nation's
growth, should be sent to any other country except England, under the
penalty of high treason; and that all the said commodities shall be sent
in their natural state; the hides raw, the wool uncombed, the flax in
the stub; excepting only fish, butter, tallow, and whatever else will be
spoiled in the carriage. On the contrary, that no goods whatsoever shall
be exported hither, except from England, under the same penalty: that
England should be forced, at their own rates, to send us over clothes
ready made, as well as shirts and smocks to the soldiers and their
trulls; all iron, wooden, and earthen ware, and whatever furniture may
be necessary for the cabins of graziers; with a sufficient quantity of
gin, and other spirits, for those who, can afford to be drunk on
holidays.