Apparently the official decision not to issue Christmas excursion
tickets for journeys of less than one hundred miles will inflict some
inconvenience on the public. Several correspondents point out that
they will be obliged to travel further than they had intended.
* * *
A newspaper correspondent describes CHARLIE CHAPLIN as being an
amusing companion in private life. We always suspect a popular
comedian of having his lighter moments.
* * *
"For twenty years," says a contemporary, "Superintendent Spencer of
Scotland Yard has been watching the King." We hasten to add that
during all that time HIS MAJESTY has never done anything to excite
suspicion.
* * *
This year's Oxford and Cambridge Rugby match is said to have been the
most exciting in the memory of the oldest undergraduate.
* * *
According to _The Daily Express_ twenty-five thousand Government
officials are on strike in Austria. People are asking why we can't
have this sort of thing in England.
* * *
Official kissing at Presidential functions is now discontinued in
France and visitors must shake hands in future. These curtailed
amenities are still an improvement on the Mexican custom of exchanging
revolver shots.
* * *
"Hats," says _The Times_' fashion correspondent, "are worn well on the
head." We have always regarded this as the best place to wear a hat
on.
* * *
White spats are to be fashionable this winter, we read. In muddy
weather, however, the colour-scheme may be varied. Only the other day
we saw one gentleman wearing a beautiful pair of Dalmatians.
* * *
So many singers want to run before they can walk, says Mr. BEN DAVIES.
With some singers whom we have heard, the ability to dodge as well as
run would be an advantage.
* * *
Loud cheers were given, says a Bolshevist wireless message, when LENIN
left Petrograd for Moscow. We can well believe it.
* * *
The Bolshevists now forbid men to walk through the streets with their
hands in their pockets. Hands in other peoples' pockets every time is
their motto.
* * *
A palpitating writer in a Sunday paper asks if the summit of English
life is being made a true Olympus or a rooting-ground for the swine
of EPICURUS. Judging by the present exorbitant price of a nice tender
loin of pork, with crisp crackling, we should say the former.
* * *
A West Norwood man who described himself as a poet told the magistrate
that he had twice been knocked down by a motor-cyclist. Our opinion is
that he should have given up poetry when he was knocked down the first
time.
* * *
Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL cannot be in two places at once, says _The
Bristol Evening News_. All the same it is a dangerous thing to put him
on his mettle like that.
* * *
Many people remain oblivious of the approach of Christmas until the
appearance of mistletoe at Covent Garden. We don't wait for that; we
go by the appearance in _The Daily Mail_ of a letter announcing the
discovery of primroses in Thanet.
* * *
Measures to arrest the subsidence of the dome of St. Paul's Cathedral
have again become imperative. The cause assigned is the depressing
effect of the DEAN.
* * *
Of several hats caught up in a recent whirlwind it was observed that
the one with the largest circulation was a "Sandringham."
* * *
A judge has decided that it is _ultra vires_ for a municipal body to
run a public laundry. Apparently this is to remain a monopoly of the
Royal Courts of Justice.
* * *
"The telephone," we are told, "was cradled in a dead man's ear." As
far as we can ascertain the other end of ours is still there.
* * *
Seventy is suggested by the London County Council as the age limit at
which coroners should retire. Complete justice cannot be done as long
as there is anything in the shape of identity of interest between the
coroner and the corpse.
* * *
"The natural position of the eyeballs in sleep," says a correspondent
of _The Daily Mail_, "is turned upwards." The practice of leaving
them standing in a tumbler of water all night should be particularly
avoided by light sleepers.
* * *
We are asked to deny the rumour that the POET LAUREATE is entitled to
draw the unemployment donation.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE POKER-PLAYER'S SECRET MAKE-UP OUTFIT.
_Disguises your elation when you hold a fat hand_.
Only five-and-sixpence post free in plain wrapper.