heard a lot besides. Such talk! I lay there under the bed blushing.
LUCIA
[_Sitting up in bed_] You _ought_ to blush, you--you--you--
[_She is overcome by indignation_]
PAULA
Out of my bed, you--you--you!
LUCIA
You--you--you--!
PAULA
No more of this Christian monkey-business! Into the street you go,
where you came from!
LUCIA
Do you _dare_--!
PAULA
Yes, the street. I saw you myself. I saw you haranguing those loafers,
and singing songs, and passing a soup-plate for coppers.
LUCIA
[_Leaping from bed_] I refuse to allow you to say that. I was preaching
the Word. I was seeking souls.
PAULA
[_Moving toward her truculently_] Um-hum! I know what you were seeking.
You had one eye on the Palace all the while.
LUCIA
[_In high indignation_] There is not a word of truth in it. It is
infamous.
PAULA
Bah!
THE OTHER WIVES
Bah! Bah!
LUCIA
I was on my Master's business.
PAULA
And I am here on my _own_ business. I'll give you two minutes to get
out of this room--and stay out.
[HELIOGABALUS, _observing that both sides have forgotten him, gives
a sardonic wink and tiptoes upstage toward his bed. He carefully and
quietly crawls in, fixes the pillow behind him, and settles down to
observe the row._ RUFINIUS _sneaks toward the door_]
LUCIA
Never in the world! This is _my_ room now. It has been sanctified!
PAULA
Sanctified nothing. It's _my_ room--_our_ room. You never were
_legally_ married to the Emperor. You are nothing but a--
LUCIA
Oh, what a lie! I was married by my own pastor.
PAULA
Yes, by one of your Christian street-preachers. I've seen him! He looks
like a drum-major. But this is Rome, and--
LUCIA
[_Explosively_] Well, when it comes to _that_, what of yourself?
Where did _you_ come from? Doesn't everybody know that you were a
chamber-maid in Alexandria?
PAULA
[_Sputtering_] I was nothing of the sort, you--! My father was a
general in the army.
ANNIA
_My_ father was Governor of Macedonia.
LUCIA
[_Leaping at the chance_] Oh, _was_ he? And who was your first husband?
[_The boaster is abashed_]
LUCIA
I'll tell you. His name was Pomponius Bassus--and he was _hanged_.
[_The boaster begins to snivel, and_ PAULA _comes to the rescue_]
PAULA
[_Grandly_] And he deserved it. The way he treated that poor, dear--
LUCIA
Yes, and he was hanged six weeks _after_ that hussy came here and
tempted poor Cæsar.
[HELIOGABALUS _turns over in the bed_]
PAULA
A thumping lie! I remember every detail of it. It wasn't six weeks at
all.... And now you throw on your clothes and get out of here! Out with
you!
LUCIA
I shall do absolutely nothing of the sort.
PAULA
This free love stuff has got to stop. And it's _my_ place to see that
it--
LUCIA
It's your place to turn all these heathen women out of the palace, and
then turn yourself out, and so save the Emperor from such sinful--
PAULA
You're a common man-teaser.
LUCIA
You are an old scare-crow!
PAULA
I'll have you thrown out of the door!
LUCIA
I'll have _you_ thrown out of the window!
PAULA
You are a loose woman!
LUCIA
You _used_ to be a loose woman!
[_The shot injures poor old_ PAULA _so badly that she jumps at_
LUCIA _and grabs her by the arm, shaking her furiously_]
PAULA
I _dare_ you to say such a thing!
LUCIA
Let me go, you--you--infidel! I'll--
[_She wrests herself free and deals_ PAULA _a clout over the head_.
PAULA _lunges at her with vast ferocity, but she quickly delivers
another blow. A huge uproar._ HELIOGABALUS _stretches his neck to
see it_. RUFINIUS _several times steps forward as if to interfere,
but always thinks better of it_. PAULA _has the advantage of weight,
but_ LUCIA _is by far the more agile. Various shrill exclamations_
"Oh, you will, will you? Take that! Ouch! Oh, my ear! Whoop!"
etc. _To the extreme right, beyond the large bed, is the fleet of
coat-racks, each enormously laden with feminine finery._ PAULA
_backs_ LUCIA _into them, but straightway comes to grief herself,
for_ LUCIA _upsets the nearest upon her, and, when she falls, heaves
another after it_. PAULA, _completely buried in clothes, yells for
help, and the three other wives, who have so far done no more than
encourage her with shouts, now come to the attack_. LUCIA, _leaping
behind another rack, pushes it at them, and it halts them. Then,
seeing herself outdone by numbers, she calls for help herself_]
LUCIA
Oh, oh! Help! Help, Cæsar! Save me!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Crawling from the bed quietly and idiotically_] Did I hear you call?
What's the trouble? Have you dropped something?
LUCIA
[_At the top of her lungs_] These filthy creatures are trying to kill
me!
PAULA
[_Under the pile of clothes_] She _bit_ me!
[_The other wives unearth_ PAULA _and stand her on her feet. It is
seen that she has a black eye._ LUCIA _retreats to the door at the
left and stands there at bay. The other wives haul_ PAULA _toward
the centre of the stage_. HELIOGABALUS _crosses to a place between_
LUCIA _and the others_]
LUCIA
[_Hysterically_] That old washtub tried to stab me.
PAULA
[_Breaking from the others, her hand on her black eye_] It's a dirty
lie! She kicked me in the--
LUCIA
She called me awful names!
CÆLESTIS
I saw her draw a dagger!
HELIOGABALUS
Stop! Be quiet! What sort of bar-room row is this? Do you know where
you are?
PAULA
I am in my own room. This room is mine.
AQUILIA
And ours.
PAULA
Yes, and theirs.
LUCIA
[_Furiously_] It's mine!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Decisively_] It's _mine_. [_Coolly, with judicial poise_] And it
wouldn't be going too far, ladies, to say that I am scandalized by such
proceedings. I really am. In all my experience, embracing many long
years and the whole Roman empire, from Britain in the far North to
Persia in the extreme--
PAULA
[_Bursting into tears_] You bring in a woman off the streets--
LUCIA
[_In tears, too_] You let an old unbelieving harridan, a disreputable
old--
HELIOGABALUS
As I was saying, ladies, in all my--
PAULA
I demand that that creature be put out!
LUCIA
I demand my rights as your wife!
HELIOGABALUS
Really, my dear, you must excuse me. On this point the principles of
jurisprudence are quite clear. A judge is plainly forbidden to sit in a
case in which he has an interest. If he has an interest in _one_ side
it is enough. If he has an interest in _both_ sides, then surely--
LUCIA
Both sides?
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly.
LUCIA
Do you mean to say that you are interested in the side of this--this
fat old--this--?
HELIOGABALUS
Rid your mind of prejudice, my dear. Observe the thing calmly and
judicially. Granting all you say--though I am by no means granting
it--the fact remains nevertheless that according to Roman--if not
Christian--law, I am married to this lady--these ladies--and that that
marriage--those marriages--is and are still legally binding. With the
fact go certain obligations. I may deplore, as much as you do, their
somewhat unwise and emotional appear--
LUCIA
Oh, what a--!
HELIOGABALUS
All I ask is that you try to--
LUCIA
Then you don't love me.
ANNIA
The idea!
HELIOGABALUS
I protest, my dear, that--
LUCIA
[_Bursting into tears_] Then you don't love me! Then you told me a
falsehood! You aren't a Christian! I--I--I--
[_Quite undone by her feelings, she suddenly hides her face in her
hands, darts to the left-hand door, swings it open, runs out, and
slams it after her_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Starting toward the door after her_] My dear girl, I--
PAULA
[_Resolutely_] Let her go!
HELIOGABALUS
But she'll catch cold out there. Remember, she has on a very light--
CÆLESTIS
Very light nothing. It's flannel. Anyway, she deserves to catch cold.
HELIOGABALUS
Really, Cælestis, you are quite savage.
PAULA
Who wouldn't be, the way we have been treated? [_Conciliatingly_] But
I say nothing against _you_. I know how you are when such a minx gets
after you.
HELIOGABALUS
Let us not discuss it.
PAULA
[_Bitterly_] No; what's the use? I have had eighteen years of it--first
in the East and now here in Rome. I know you can't help it, poor old
dear. One glance at such a doll and you are gone. [_To the other
wives_] And now let us try to forget it. It's getting late.
[_Instantly they begin to take off their outer garments and let down
their hair_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_In alarm_] What are you doing?
PAULA
[_Grimly_] Getting ready to go to bed. We are sleepy.
HELIOGABALUS
But, my dear--look, there is Rufinius still in the room!
[_The wives glance at_ RUFINIUS, _scream and try to hide
themselves_. RUFINIUS, _much embarrassed, ducks out of the
door_]
PAULA
[_With a bitter grin_] Well, now he's gone.
[_She continues disrobing_]
HELIOGABALUS
But, but--this is really quite irregular. Let us wait until we are all
a bit less excited, as it were. Now be a good girl. [_Wheedlingly_] Go
back to bed in the North Wing, and let me collect my thoughts a bit.
PAULA
Here I am, and here I stay.
[_She throws her girdle over one of the coat-racks_]
HELIOGABALUS
But in a minute Lucia'll be coming back, and then--
[_He frantically begins dressing and racing against the undressers_]
PAULA
If she comes back, I'll bite her again.
[_She kicks off her sandals_]
AQUILIA
[_Emerging in nothing save a short shift_] Do you think _we_ would
sleep in a bed with such a creature?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Drawing his tunic over his head in wild alarm_] But the poor girl
must sleep _somewhere_.
PAULA
Let her sleep out in the corridor.
[_She drops her outer dress and stands forth in a grotesque chemise,
decorated with little blue ribbons. The sight so far appals_
HELIOGABALUS _that disgust is converted into indignation
and indignation into resolution_]
HELIOGABALUS
Very well, then. If _she_ must sleep out there, then _I_ sleep out
there too!
[_He is now pretty fully dressed and struggles into his sandals_]
PAULA
[_Somewhat shaken_] You're not going to leave us?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Adjusting his tunic_] I _am_ going to leave _us_!
PAULA
Leave us here all alone?
HELIOGABALUS
Aren't there four of you?
PAULA
But with not a man in the room?
ANNIA
[_Whimpering_] Suppose burglars should break in?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Sarcastically_] Paula can deal with them.
PAULA
[_In tears_] No, I can't!
HELIOGABALUS
Then let Rufinius come in. He can have my bed.
PAULA
[_With a yell_] The idea! Do you accuse me of--
HELIOGABALUS
[_At the door to the extreme left_] I accuse you of nothing. [_Opening
the door_] And now--
[_As he throws the door open_, LUCIA _is revealed. She has been
eavesdropping and is much distraught_]
LUCIA
[_In a faint voice_] I am cold.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Uncertainly_] I was just coming out to--
LUCIA
[_Catching sight of the wives_--PAULA _in the middle of the floor
in her chemise and the other three in bed--she gives a scream and
totters toward the centre of the stage. There she does a grand faint
at_ PAULA'S _feet_]
PAULA
[_Leaping back_] Oh, my God!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Solemnly_] You have killed her. She has frozen to death.
PAULA
[_Alarmed_] I did nothing of the sort. She went out of her own free
will.
AQUILIA
[_Jumping from bed_] Get her into bed, quick!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Reaching down and grabbing her under the arms_] Get her into _my_ bed.
[_The other wives pile out, and help_ PAULA _and_ HELIOGABALUS _to
carry her to his bed_]
PAULA
[_Snivelling_] I wouldn't have hurt her for the world.
HELIOGABALUS
Tell Rufinius to get those two doctors I pardoned.
[PAULA, _still in her chemise, rushes to the door, flings it open
and exits_]
CÆLESTIS
Rub her wrists.
ANNIA
Have you a key? Try a key at the back of her neck.
HELIOGABALUS
Cover her up!
AQUILIA
Try massaging her ears.
HELIOGABALUS
Go get some water.
[AQUILIA _rushes to the door, flinging it open just in time to
admit_ PISO _and_ POLORUS. _They come in at a gallop, followed
by_ RUFINIUS, PAULA _and a slave pushing a wheeled table covered
with huge bottles, rolls of plasters, etc. The scene must move at
lightning speed_]
PISO
[_Idiotically, in great excitement_] Which is the patient? [_He looks
from one wife to another, and then observes_ LUCIA _on the
bed_] Ah!
POLORUS
[_Crowding to the front_] Pass me the brandy.
PISO
Brandy? On what theory?
POLORUS
This is no time for theories, idiot! The patient needs help.
PISO
Well, how are you going to help her until you establish the diagnosis?
POLORUS
What could be plainer? A horse-doctor could see that she has fainted.
[_He proceeds to pour out a large drink of the brandy_]
PISO
[_Very learnedly_] Suppose it is _coma_? Suppose she has been
_poisoned_?
[PAULA _gives a shriek_]
POLORUS
Nonsense! Then where is your cyanosis?
[_He proceeds to lift_ LUCIA'S _head and pour some of the
brandy into her mouth_]
PISO
Stop! I forbid it!
[_During this rapid dialogue the three other wives flutter about,
and_ HELIOGABALUS _and_ PAULA _crowd close to the
bed_]
POLORUS
[_Continuing with the brandy_] I stand on my Hippocratic oath. I insist
on the brandy.
PISO
I appeal to your decency. Don't kill the patient. [PAULA
_screams again_] Let me feel her pulse.
POLORUS
Stand back! You are suffocating her!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Losing patience_] Here, fools! Give me the goblet.
[_He seizes it and pours half of its contents down_ LUCIA'S _throat.
She gasps, coughs, gags and then gradually sits up. As she opens her
eyes she sights_ PAULA]
LUCIA
[_An exclamation of terror_] Oh! Oh! Take her away!
[PAULA _hops back in great confusion_]
PAULA
[_Ingratiatingly_] Don't be afraid, dearie.
LUCIA
[_Screams_] She tried to stab me!
PAULA
[_In great excitement_] The idea! I never did anything--
LUCIA
I can see the devil standing behind her!
[PAULA _swings about quickly to look behind her, loses her balance,
throws up her arms, and falls down with a crash_]
PAULA
Help!
POLORUS
[_Rushing to the rescue_] Brandy! Brandy!
[_A great hub-bub. The wives crowd around_]
PISO
[_Shrilly, over the tumult_] I forbid it!
HELIOGABALUS
Give her air!
[POLORUS _applies the brandy jug to_ PAULA'S _lips and she begins to
gurgle, gag and blubber_]
PAULA
[_Still gasping, and rising to a sitting position on the floor_] That
Christian tried to put a spell on me. She has the evil eye.
LUCIA
[_Shrilly, from the bed_] There _are_ devils in her! She is like the
Gadarene swine.
PAULA
[_Struggling to her feet, assisted by the doctors, the other wives and_
HELIOGABALUS] Liar!
LUCIA
She is possessed by demons, Cæsar.
PAULA
[_Again in great fright_] Let me out of here! I feel something coming
over me!
AQUILIA
I feel it, too. I--I--
[_She flops across the big bed._ POLORUS _leaps to the rescue with
the brandy-jug, but as he reaches her she sits up and knocks it out
of his hand_]
PISO
[_Prancing about_] Where is the ammonia? Who has the ammonia bottle?
[_He searches for it on the wheeled table, but can't find it_]
PAULA
Let me out! Let me out!
POLORUS
Ammonia your grandmother! Where are the sedatives? Who took the
poppy-water? Where is the poppy-water?
[_He makes a wild search for it_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Quietly_] I think you're right. They need something to calm their
nerves. [_He finds and seizes the bottle_] Ah, here it is! Ammonia
would half kill them.
PISO
I protest!
PAULA
I want to get out of here.
[RUFINIUS _tries to calm her_]
HELIOGABALUS
One second, darling. [_As_ POLORUS _offers her a goblet of the
poppy-water_] Now be a nice little girl, and swallow this medicine. It
will make you dream beautifully.
PAULA
[_Dubiously_] What is it, doctor?
HELIOGABALUS
Never ask a doctor what anything is. Remember your manners. He mightn't
know. It will make you dream that you are seventeen, and in love with a
gladiator.
PAULA
You're sure it won't hurt me?
POLORUS
Oh, absolutely no.
PISO
I--
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ PISO] Silence! [_To_ PAULA] Now down with it.
[_She drinks it, and at once grows somewhat calmer. Gradually she
succumbs, and by the time she goes out she is very sleepy_]
PAULA
[_Smacking her lips_] It tastes like--it tastes like--
POLORUS
Exactly. And now for the other ladies. Who's next?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Sharply_] Cælestis!
[_The wife on the bed struggles up and comes forward_]
POLORUS
[_The goblet in hand_] Ready?
HELIOGABALUS
Shut your eyes!
[CÆLESTIS _swallows the dose without a word_]
POLORUS
[_Refilling the goblet_] Next!
HELIOGABALUS
Come, Aquilia.
AQUILIA
[_Doubtfully_] It won't make me fat?
POLORUS
Oh, surely not.
AQUILIA
You're positive?
HELIOGABALUS
Positive. Down with it. [_She swallows the dose_] And now little Annia.
One, two, three!
[POLORUS _fills the goblet again and it goes down immediately_]
POLORUS
Ah! So much for that!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Herding the wives toward the door_] And now you girls try to get some
rest, and leave the doctors with poor Lucia. I'm afraid it may be a
case for immediate operation. They'll have to examine her from head to
foot.
LUCIA
[_From the bed_] I won't have any operation! I won't be examined from
head to foot! The power of the spirit is enough.
PISO
Oh, hardly.
LUCIA
[_Petulantly_] I refuse to be cut up!
HELIOGABALUS
Now, now, be calm. Look at the other girls. [_To_ PAULA] And
now try to get some rest. I'll come out to see you immediately after
the operation. [_Moving her toward the door, the others following_]
Take things easily for--
PAULA
I feel so--
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, yes, but you'll feel better presently.
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ POLORUS _in a hoarse whisper_] Give them all another dose--a
double dose. Especially Paula. She has the stomach of a policeman.
[_The wives wobble out, followed by_ POLORUS, _the slave with the
table of medicines, and_ RUFINIUS. _Only_ PISO _remains_]
PISO
[_Ingratiatingly_] Your Majesty's excellent suggestion of an operation
is--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Turning with great deliberation, and kicking_ PISO _in the rear_] Out!
[PISO, _after an instant of amazement, leaps for the door and
disappears_]
LUCIA
That Paula is an old hyena, Cæsar. She tried to bite me.
HELIOGABALUS
[_He seats himself on the edge of the big bed, his legs swinging in
the open space between the two beds. His manner is that of weariness
and resignation_] Yes, she's somewhat--explosive. I am afraid she's
sometimes unwise in the use of--er, stimulants?
LUCIA
Afraid? She's been drunk for months--ever since--
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, she's taken it very hard.
LUCIA
[_Somewhat oratorically_] Wine is a mocker. Strong drink is raging.
HELIOGABALUS
A mocker, yes--but also a consoler. Don't forget that poor old Paula
must have time to get used to things. I daresay the new regulations
rather oppress her.
LUCIA
You mean she longs for all those old dissipations--those banquets every
night, and all that worldly carnality--and this room full of those
awful women?
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly, though I doubt that she'd describe it in just that way. You
see, she was brought up in Alexandria--a rather lively burg. It's all
a matter of training. Here she had certain responsibilities, certain
interesting duties--
LUCIA
Yes, I know what those duties were. They were sinful in the sight of
God.
HELIOGABALUS
Perhaps. Nevertheless, they occupied her mind. Let us be just to her.
She was competent. She knew her business. I never had any trouble with
those girls while _she_ was in charge of them.
LUCIA
Those scarlet women!
HELIOGABALUS
Now you are exaggerating. They are all quite respectable. My marriage
to every one of them is, as I've told you, sound in Roman law.
LUCIA
But not in the eye of God. The Scripture says "A bishop shall have but
one wife."
HELIOGABALUS
But I'm not a bishop.
LUCIA
Well, surely no one ought to be allowed more wives than a bishop.
HELIOGABALUS
Granted. But here they are.
LUCIA
Turn them away. Read the Word.
HELIOGABALUS
[_A bit irritated_] Yes, yes; I have read it. The theory is very
lovely. It has affected me greatly; I have adopted it as you know. But
here I have these girls legally on my hands, and surely you wouldn't
ask me to--
LUCIA
You should be glad to get rid of them. Such a pack of--of--
HELIOGABALUS
Now, now, I must really forbid you. Paula, of course, is open to a
certain criticism, at least æsthetically. And Cælestis is probably no
stunner. But among the others there are certainly a number who--
LUCIA
[_Tearfully_] You don't love me in the proper Christian way!
HELIOGABALUS
What nonsense! I love you to an extreme degree. [_He takes up and
kisses her hand_] My affection for you is really colossal. But let
us be just. Surely it's absurd to say that _all_ of them are--well,
offensive. There are surely exceptions.
LUCIA
[_Resolutely_] Not one.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, come now. For example, there is Dacia. I haven't seen her for these
long months, but I remember her quite clearly. Surely Dacia has a
certain charm. She is young, she has a good complexion, she sings very
acceptably, and she--
LUCIA
I see what is the matter. You are homesick for her and her kind. For
her and the old infidel life.
HELIOGABALUS
Not at all. I merely remember her. That's all. I merely remember. A
toothsome girl. But a lady. Her father was a philosopher in Athens ...
she wasn't in that crowd. She is naturally affectionate.
LUCIA
And kissing all the time, I suppose. Never a moment for the things of
the spirit. Always the flesh.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, by no means. I really wouldn't have permitted it. I quite agree
with you there. Such things may be overdone. At my age.
LUCIA
But you like it, don't you?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Looking at her sharply_] Yes--on occasion. But there is where I agree
with you: that is the precise reason why the thing should be limited.
[_A bit wistfully_] If one kissed too much, one would be too happy. And
that, of course, wouldn't do at all.
LUCIA
The happiness of this life is as dust.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Grudgingly_] So you tell me.
LUCIA
The happiness to come is eternal.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I hope so. But, you see, my trouble is old Paula's. I was brought
up wrong. I suppose it is incurable. I notice, at times, an almost
irresistible lasciviousness--what you call worldliness. [_Amorously_]
When I see you there in your nightie I forget all about Christianity
and can hardly resist the temptation to throw my arms around you and
give you a hug. I know it's wrong, but there it is.
LUCIA
[_Somewhat shaken_] Well, I shouldn't call it lasciviousness. And it
isn't exactly wrong.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Ironically_] No?
LUCIA
The Scriptures say--
HELIOGABALUS
Ah? Then let us be glad they approve it, little pot-pie. It is pleasant
to be virtuous--that is, more or less.
LUCIA
[_Demurely after a pause_] Do you want to kiss me?
HELIOGABALUS
[_He begins slowly to take off his tunic. As he answers, it is over his
head_] I am perfectly willing. But, I warn you, I'm not going to stand
any more Christian kisses. And what's more, if I'm interrupted any more
by any low-comedy Palais Royal knocking on that dog-gone door just as I
am on the point of--
[_He is duly cut short by a loud knocking on the door. He tries
to get out of his tunic quickly, and then, thinking better of it,
decides to let it down again_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Wrathfully_] What is it now? [_An unintelligible answer from
without_] Hey? [_Another mumble_] I can't hear you. Come in.
[_Enter_ RUFINIUS. _He stops near the door and glances at_
LUCIA _dubiously_]
RUFINIUS
I came in, Majesty, to report--
[_He stops_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Coming down toward_ RUFINIUS] What! I'm good and damn sick
of this "I came in to report, Majesty," just as I'm about to--What's
up? More trouble?
RUFINIUS
No, Majesty. The ladies are all asleep.
HELIOGABALUS
Hear, hear! And he "comes in to report, Majesty" just as Majesty is
about to--
RUFINIUS
The Empress Paula is breathing very heavily, Majesty. The doctors are
trying to revive her.
HELIOGABALUS
[_In a sudden rage_] What! Revive her! Seven thousand loud damns. Tell
them to give her another dose of the same--give them another dose all
'round. Tell those quacks that--the infernal boobies! Off go their toes
if a single patient wakes--and both ears. Now quick, before they revive
her!
[_Pushes_ RUFINIUS _toward the door_]
RUFINIUS
As you order, Majesty. But there is another matter.
HELIOGABALUS
What is it, foul fool?
RUFINIUS
Another one of the ladies has come over from the North Wing--Dacia.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Softening_] Ah, Dacia! What does she want? Surely _she_--
RUFINIUS
Oh, not at all. She asked me to inquire how her Majesty is, and if you
yourself are feeling quite well.
HELIOGABALUS
Ah, very thoughtful of her. Tell her I am quite well. And don't forget
to thank her. Remember, Rufinius, give her my thanks.
RUFINIUS
[_Going to the door_] As you order, Emperor.
HELIOGABALUS
Tell her not to neglect her music lessons. And--but just say I may want
to see her for an instant tomorrow--some business--of state--that I had
forgotten.
RUFINIUS
As ordered, Majesty.
[_He goes out_]
LUCIA
You are still thinking of that heathen Dacia.
HELIOGABALUS
Nonsense, sweet potato. You are really quite absurd. [_Suddenly
irritated_] Damn it all, a man must be polite.
LUCIA
[_Jealously_] But you used to love her before I converted you to the
Faith.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Starting to take off his tunic again_] Ah, who knows? Love--what is
it? A sort of optical delusion, an enchantment--almost alcoholic.
[_He gets it over his head, and stands rubbing his bare arms and
shoulders_]
LUCIA
Love comes from the soul.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, even the soul takes a hack at it.
[_He starts to climb into the small bed_]
LUCIA
[_Loudly_] Where _are_ you going?
HELIOGABALUS
[_His leg in mid-air, coaxing in baby-like tone_] Please! I don't want
to sleep over there--[_indicating the big bed_]--in Siberia. It's so
cold--and when I get cold it always gives me my stomach-ache.
LUCIA
No! One must not think of the flesh, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
But you're my wife, aren't you? You wouldn't have me freeze to death?
LUCIA
But not a pagan wife. I am a Christian wife.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, doesn't a Christian wife promise to cherish her husband? [_Still
coaxing, and shivering_] Please!
LUCIA
No.
HELIOGABALUS
Please, please!
LUCIA
Again, no, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
[_With a weary sigh, crawling into the big bed_] Lucia, I can't
understand you or this Christianity either. What's the idea of trying
to make people miserable by forbidding them to do what they want to,
and then, when they're unhappy about it, telling them they're awfully
happy but don't know it?
[LUCIA _rolls over and does not reply_. HELIOGABALUS _sighs_]
HELIOGABALUS
Anyway, I don't seem to get used to this going to bed sober. [_He
props himself up in bed, and rambles on without paying much heed to_
LUCIA] Now, you were saying that love is of the soul. But see what a
conclusion it brings you to: then even old Paula must have a soul, for
old Paula used to love me.
LUCIA
[_Sleepily_] Paula, too, has an immortal soul.
HELIOGABALUS
The gods forbid! [_Humorously_] But what of, er--what of, say Dacia,
for example?
LUCIA
[_Yawning_] This Dacia, too, has a soul.
HELIOGABALUS
Nobly spoken. And much better news! [_Half dreamily_] But what is this
so-called soul you speak of? Is it a gas? Has it got length, breadth,
thickness? Is the soul in the body, or the body in the soul? When I
used to cut a Christian into two halves, which half was the soul in?
Was _it_ divided too? Well, then, suppose I had him run through a
sausage cutter, and he came out, say, in four million pieces: was the
soul in four million pieces, too? You say that the soul re-enters the
body on the day of judgment. Well, suppose I take two Jews and cut off
their heads, and put the head of A on the body of B, and vice versa.
Does the soul of A go into the body of A or into the head of A, which
is on the body of B? If it goes into the head, is it responsible for
the sins of the body of B? [_He reaches over and, slyly watching_ LUCIA
_out of the corner of his eye, pours out a goblet of the brandy which
the doctors have left there, slowly sipping it with much lip-smacking
as he goes on_] Do you follow me?
LUCIA
[_Half asleep_] Oh, how you talk, Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
Talk? Talking is my trade, little icicle. Talk is the heart's blood
of politics.... And of love. I used to have even greater skill than
I have today. He had a smooth and slippery tongue, had Heliogabalus.
Years ago, when I was a lieutenant in the army, I used to--[_sighs_]
Well, they were all willing: my conscience is perfectly clear. As the
lawyers say, _Caveat emptor_. When a girl has a taste for epigrams
she must be careful: a man of my wit is dangerous. I'll never forget
my poor dear first wife--good old Marcia. It was an epigram that made
her fall in love with me. I remember the circumstances perfectly. She
was complaining that love was beyond her comprehension--that it was
ineffable, indescribable, transcendental. "Love," _I_ replied, with
droll perspicacity, "Love," I replied, "is the triumph of imagination
over intelligence."
[_He chuckles_]
LUCIA
[_Yawns audibly, and turns over_]
HELIOGABALUS
You interrupt me, cold darling. What I was about to say is that poor
old Marcia laughed so hard she rolled clear out of bed. An old joke--as
old as the Babylonians. But fact! You should have heard the bump when
she landed on her--[_a sidelong glance_]--her upholstery. I had to haul
her back into bed. [_He sips again_] Ah, love, indeed! A short preface
to a long book! [_He pauses and waits for appreciation. No sound comes
from_ LUCIA. _He goes on in a slightly louder voice_] Love
is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. [_Another inquiring
glance at_ LUCIA] When loves dies there is never any funeral:
the corpse remains in the house. [_Another_] A woman in love is less
modest than a man: she has less to be ashamed of. [_A longish pause.
He takes a deep draught_] Love is the delusion that one woman differs
from another. [LUCIA _is still silent. He lifts himself to
his elbow and regards her contemplatively. He calls her softly_]
Lucia! Sweet Lucia!... Asleep! [_A sigh_] Christianity is fatal to
the--er--epigram. How Marcia used to giggle! And little Dacia! Dacia
has a sense of humour. An intelligent girl, Dacia. And how her nose
puckers when she is a bit--squiffed. Somehow, I--[_He empties the
goblet and composes himself. The regular breathing of_ LUCIA
_can be heard_] This Christianity may be all right in the daytime, but
at night--[_Suddenly, from somewhere below the window there comes the
soft, low sound of a girl's voice, raised in song. It is a song of love
and passion, and_ HELIOGABALUS _sits up in bed to listen.
Toward the end he glances at_ LUCIA, _scarcely concealing a
rising aversion. The song ended, he settles himself, wets his lips, and
smiles amorously_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_In a caressing whisper_] Dacia!
CURTAIN
ACT III
ACT III
_The next night._
_A corridor in the palace. It stretches longitudinally across the
stage and is rather narrow. In the wall to the back there is a wide
and high arch, covered with heavy hangings of imperial purple,
showing two large embroidered H's, with wreaths above them, in gold.
The solid wall of the corridor, seen to the two sides of the central
hangings, is of coloured marble. The hangings conceal the state
banquet hall, and the corridor is the emperor's means of getting to
the latter from his private apartments. All decorations are simple,
but of the utmost richness._
_During the whole act, down to the last scene, sounds of revelry
come from the banquet hall--laughter, music and the clinking of
goblets--now faintly and now loudly._
_As the curtain rises_ PISO _and_ POLORUS _enter, followed by a
slave pushing their rolling table of medicines and instruments. They
are in long white tunics, reaching below the knees, and with short
sleeves--the early Roman equivalent of modern operating gowns._
PISO
[_To the slave_] Here, Ambrose, shove it to this side.
[_The slave runs the table to the left, halts it by the back wall,
and exits_]
POLORUS
[_Officiously_] Where is the headache powder?
PISO
[_Reaching to the shelf beneath the table, he brings up a huge blue
bottle_] Here you are. Do you think we have enough?
POLORUS
It's enough to kill them, but I doubt that it's enough to cure them,
once they get started.
PISO
Well, if we run out of it, we can give them some cholera mixture.
They'll never know the difference.
POLORUS
[_Busily arranging the bottles_] All this does me good, my boy. It
makes me young again.
PISO
Do you think the moral movement is really over?
POLORUS
If it isn't, then why this good old-fashioned banquet? Why all the old
crowd? Why all the old girls? I suspect that Paula arranged the whole
thing. Have you seen the list of guests?
PISO
No.
POLORUS
Well, not a tank is missing. Every zinc-lined stomach and copper-plated
kidney in Rome is here. By the way, have we got enough stomach-pumps?
PISO
[_Indicating them_] Here are six.
POLORUS
Maybe that will be enough. [_He roots among the medicines_] I have a
feeling that this will finish the Christian wife. She'll never stand
for an old-time banquet.
PISO
Then let us thank all the gods. If Christianity ever actually got on
its legs, the doctoring business would go to pot. All this praying and
fasting and going to bed at ten o'clock is fatal to pathology. The aim
of medicine is to save a man from the just consequences of his own
vices. If he gives up his vices, then--
POLORUS
But he never does. All he ever comes to is the exchange of one vice for
another. This praying that you mention is a vice. Fasting is a vice.
Going to bed at ten o'clock is a vice.
PISO
Maybe so. But I am speaking medically. The medicine that _we_ studied
was designed for certain ends. It supposes the existence of certain
vices. You and I know, for example, how to treat a man who has eaten
too much or who hasn't had sleep _enough_. But what of the man who has
fasted, and at the same time got too _much_ sleep? There you stand
medicine on its head. And I am too old to learn it all over again.
POLORUS
[_Argumentatively_] You make imaginary difficulties, Dr. Piso. Simply
give him a dose of salts, say I, and trust to luck. You talk as if a
physician had to _cure_ his patient. Nonsense. All he has to do is to
_try_ to cure him.
PISO
[_Bridling_] Is _that_ so? Then how do you--
[_He is cut short by the entrance of_ CAIUS MACRINUS _from
the left_. CAIUS _lumbers toward_ PISO _and is
seen to be already far gone in liquor_]
CAIUS
Say, Doctor--
PISO
Why, Commander! What brings you here?
CAIUS
Ain't this the night of the banquet? I thought this was the night of
the banquet. If this ain't the night of the banquet, then I--
PISO
Of course it is. But how did you get _here_?
CAIUS
Ain't this the palace? I thought this was the palace. I saw a lot of
girls going in the basement and so I thought it was the palace.
PISO
So it is. But this is the Emperor's private corridor. You ought to have
gone the other way, through the atrium.
CAIUS
Excuse me, gentleman. I apologize. [_He attempts a right-about-face_]
Which way did you say? I thought I was in the palace. I saw a lot of
cuties going into the basement and so I thought it was the palace.
[_Suddenly pulling himself up_] But say, Doctor, I knew I wanted to see
you about something. You are Dr. Piso, ain't you?
PISO
I am _the_ Dr. Piso.
CAIUS
I remember you that time I had that carbuncle. Where was it? Somewhere
in Gaul. My, my! How the years do skip along! Here it's July
again--[_He pauses uncertainly_] Is it? Is it July again?
PISO
[_Professionally_] You say you desire to consult me, Commander?
CAIUS
Doctor, you know what it is--this sea-faring life. I thought my legs
would give out first. But it turns out to be my stomach.
PISO
You have indigestion?
CAIUS
No, sir! I can digest anything. I could eat an alligator. Tail and all.
PISO
But--
CAIUS
[_Looking about him cautiously_] Shhhh! I'm coming to it! I can _eat_
anything, but--but--
[_His voice quavers_]
PISO
But you're not what you used to be at--
CAIUS
[_He nods mournfully_] Half a dozen bottles of wine, and I'm not worth
a damn. The fact is, I am almost a teetotaler--practically. I hardly
drink a thing--scarcely. [_He sighs boozily_] Think of what's ahead of
me tonight. They're all here--the military, the judiciary, the Senate.
If I drink with all those gold-fish, then I'll be laid up tomorrow, and
maybe die. And if I don't drink, then I disgrace the navy.
PISO
Too bad. But maybe I can help you.
CAIUS
That's what I was getting at, Doctor. I remember, out in Asia Minor,
how those slick Persians would take a hooch of something or other, and
then they were ready for anything. The point is, what _was_ it?
PISO
Olive oil.
POLORUS
Ammonia.
PISO
Ammonia your uncle!
POLORUS
[_Bitingly_] Yes, ammonia one's uncle! An ounce in a glass of milk,
before _or_ after.
CAIUS
Could I take them both?
PISO
Yes, if you are crazy.
POLORUS
Why not? The ammonia will fix him, and the olive oil won't kill him.
[_Busying himself at the table_] Let us mix them.
[_He pours the olive oil and ammonia into a beaker, and starts to
stir the mixture_]
CAIUS
[_Getting affectionate and placing his arm around_ POLORUS'
_neck_] Oh, Doctor! Give me a big one! Don't tease me with a pony!
POLORUS
This is the regular size for elephants and gladiators. Now--there you
are--down with it!
[_He hands_ CAIUS _the beaker_. CAIUS _downs it at
a fearful gulp, and comes up spluttering and rolling his eyes_]
CAIUS
[_Faintly_] Is there a chaser?
PISO
No. Let it alone. The fire will go out of itself.
[CAIUS _attempts to speak, but achieves only an
unintelligible whisper_]
POLORUS
[_Elbowing him toward the left_] Go out in the atrium, Commander, and
stick your head in the pool.
[CAIUS _again attempts to speak, but cannot, and waddles
off_]
PISO
[_Calling after him_] Don't forget the professor!
POLORUS
[_Coming back_] That old soak is on his last legs. Practically a
teetotaler! I wonder what he--
PISO
[_At the table_] Where did you get that olive oil?
POLORUS
Out of the tall yellow bottle.
PISO
Well, you wasted four ounces of good turpentine liniment.
POLORUS
[_Examining the bottles_] Um, it's six of one and half a dozen of the
other. But I _didn't_ waste any ammonia. I gave him ninety per cent.
alcohol.
PISO
What are the odds? I once cured a case of chilblains with a couple of
liver pills.
POLORUS
You ought to try some of those pills on the Emperor.
PISO
_Ought_ to try them? I have given him a keg of them.
POLORUS
Then it's no wonder _I_ can't cure him.
PISO
[_Irascibly_] _You?_ Do you ever _cure_ patients? Oh, my word! It's
those infernal powders of yours that counteract the pills. No wonder he
gets worse. I can never give him enough of _my_ pills to catch up with
_your_ powders. If you--
[_He is interrupted by the sudden appearance of_
SIMON, _the Christian giant, from the right_.
SIMON'S _eyes are staring, and he is evidently labouring
under much excitement_]
SIMON
[_In a sepulchral voice_] God be with you!
PISO
[_Startled_] The same to you, Reverend. But what are _you_ doing here?
SIMON
[_Mysteriously_] I have business here.
POLORUS
Business here? Don't you know what's going on?
SIMON
I see preparations for debauchery--sin--venery--the devil's work.
PISO
Not so loud, old schooner. The _Emperor_ is giving this banquet.
Remember the Espionage Act.
SIMON
My business is _with_ the Emperor.
POLORUS
[_Amazed and amused_] Surely you are not going to the banquet yourself?
[PISO _haw-haws_]
SIMON
[_Solemnly_] I have come to--to--to--[_He hesitates_] I have come to--
PISO
You have come to look them over?
POLORUS
You want to see whether the girls really _do_ take off their--
SIMON
[_Cutting in_] Girls? Bah! I abhor the scarlet woman. My prayers are
for one pure woman, for--
PISO
The wife Lucia!
POLORUS
[_Nodding his head_] He's mashed on her.
SIMON
[_Indignantly_] I am old enough to be her father.
PISO
Yes, so is the Emperor.
SIMON
Let him have a care! Let him remember the wrath to come.
POLORUS
What! At a banquet?
SIMON
Even at a banquet. Even amid the flesh-pots. Even among the scarlet
women. Let him remember his lawful wife. I hear talk that is terrible.
PISO
What do you hear?
SIMON
That he plans to cast her off. More, that he plans to--murder her.
POLORUS
[_Glancing about him_] Oh, I say!
SIMON
Even as he has murdered other poor women--trusting hearts--discarded
wives. [_Suddenly infuriated_] But not the wife Lucia! The moment his
slaves touch the anointed of the Lord--[_He draws a dagger_]--that
moment I plunge this knife into his heathen heart!
PISO
[_Nervously_] My dear sir, calm yourself. This is awful talk. I
positively refuse to listen to any such anarchism.
SIMON
I shall wait here. I am ready. I shall serve the Lord.
POLORUS
Suppose you let me have that knife. I am more used to such things. You
are a clergyman. It may cut you.
[_As he steps forward, there are noises outside, to the left. The band
behind the curtain strikes up more loudly, and presently voices call_
"The Emperor! The Emperor!"]
SIMON
[_Flourishing the dagger_] Nay! I shall wait here! I am ready.
[_More cries. The music grows louder._ PISO _and_ POLORUS _grow
increasingly alarmed. Cries of_ "The Emperor! The Emperor!"]
PISO
[_In a panic_] What are we to do?
POLORUS
If we had time we could anæsthetize him.
PISO
Yes, if we had time we could hypnotize him. _But now?_
SIMON
Pray to the Lord!
POLORUS
Yes, yes, but not now. Not here. I never miss the Day of Atonement. I
promised my old mother. [_In full demoralization, to_ PISO]
_You_ tackle him.
PISO
[_Panic-stricken, to_ SIMON] Why not go out and take a little walk and
come back later?
SIMON
I stay here. I am set here to watch. An angel charged me to--
[_Shouts of_ "The Emperor!" _very near. The music grows louder
still. Cheers behind the hangings_]
POLORUS
[_Pushing him back frantically_] But you're blocking up the
passage-way. It is forbidden. Surely you don't want to _offend_ the
Emperor.
SIMON
[_Idiotically_] Not unnecessarily.
PISO
Well, then--
POLORUS
[_Inspired_] Ah, here!
[_He shoves_ SIMON _behind the hangings at the extreme right,
where they overlap the back wall_]
PISO
[_Greatly relieved_] Whew!
POLORUS
[_Coming back_] Just in time! [_Suddenly alarmed again_] But suppose he
jumps out and--
[_He drops his voice_]
PISO
[_Resolutely_] Who?
POLORUS
[_In surprise_] Who? This blamed--
PISO
_I_ didn't see anybody. Did _you_?
POLORUS
[_With a relieved wink_] No. I saw no one.
PISO
He must have sneaked in during the day.
POLORUS
Maybe the wife Lucia let him in.
[_Cries of_ "The Emperor!" _just outside. With it an unexpected
babble of women's voices._ PISO _and_ POLORUS, _at this new sound,
look at each other in sudden astonishment as_ RUFINIUS _enters_]
RUFINIUS
His Imperial Majesty!
[RUFINIUS _is followed by two centurions_. PISO _drops to one knee
and_ POLORUS _follows suit_. HELIOGABALUS _stalks in with_ PAULA
_hanging to one arm and_ CÆLESTIS _to the other. Behind the three,
crowded closely, are_ ANNIA FAUSTINA, AQUILIA SEVERA, _and three or
four other wives. Last of all comes_ DACIA. HELIOGABALUS _wears a
magnificent toga of imperial purple, with gold borders very heavily
embroidered, and a wreath of laurel. He moves to the centre of
the stage without a word, and as if scarcely conscious of_ PAULA
_and_ CÆLESTIS. _A murmur of confused speech among the other wives.
Obviously, there has been an encounter outside._ PISO _and_ POLORUS
_get to their feet, and move off discreetly toward the right,
pushing their wheeled table ahead of them. Presently they go out._
RUFINIUS _takes station at the side of the archway leading into the
banquet hall, directly before the place where_ SIMON _is concealed.
The centurions go to the extreme right, and stand impassive.
Throughout this scene, sounds of revelry come from the banquet hall_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Suddenly shaking off_ PAULA _and_ CÆLESTIS, _and swinging 'round to
face the other wives, his arms folded_] The answer is Yes and No!
PAULA
[_Melodramatically_] What!
HELIOGABALUS
Yes to question number one; no to question number two.
THE OTHER WIVES
[_Together_] Which is which?... Do we come back?... What can he
mean?... Which question is number one?... He's going to put her out!
PAULA
[_Authoritatively_] Silence! Let me do the talking. [_To_
HELIOGABALUS, _bravely but a bit uneasily_] What do you mean
... darling?
HELIOGABALUS
Simply this, molasses jar. You all come back--but not together.
THE OTHER WIVES
[_In a babble, as before. They don't quite know whether to hail the
news, or to protest_] Oh, we come back!... But what does _that_
mean?... I don't understand it at all.... Do you mean--?
PAULA
[_Sharply_] Silence!
[_The babble is cut short instantly. A momentary silence._
HELIOGABALUS _stands with his arms folded. The wives look uneasy and
a bit foolish_]
PAULA
[_To_ HELIOGABALUS, _quaveringly_] You are not going to--?
HELIOGABALUS
Carpenters are at work building a plain double-bed. I have ordered that
farm taken out and burned. The double-bed will suffice until--
PAULA
But I thought we were to come back.
HELIOGABALUS
You do--but you come back one by one.
CÆLESTIS
But where will the rest of us sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
Where you _have_ been sleeping--during the late revolution. Sleep
wherever you please. If the palace isn't big enough, I'll have barracks
built.
PAULA
[_Maudlinly_] Oh, my poor head! I can't understand a thing he says!
HELIOGABALUS
Let me explain. The old system had its advantages. I was used to it and
strongly approved it. But the older I get, the more I learn. At ninety
or a hundred I should be genuinely wise. _One_ thing I have learned is
that the Christian system, too, has--
PAULA
[_Hysterically_] He's deserting us for that street woman!
[_The other wives set up a shrill protest of_ "Ohs"]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Talking them down_] The Christian system, too, has its advantages. It
is lonesome, but peaceful. I sleep better. The ventilation is better.
More air. Fewer breathing.
PAULA
I protest against it as immoral! We are your lawful--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Sardonically_] Immoral? Hah, because it's pleasant! You, too, have
become infected by this Christianity.
PAULA
Oh, what an insult!
HELIOGABALUS
But to resume. You take your turns one by one, quietly and in order.
First, let us say--well, first one of you. To be selected by me. I have
a system worked out. Each stays on until--until I feel like a change.
Then the next. And so on.
PAULA
I see it all. It's a scheme to get that Christian hussy in--and then
keep us out!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Darkly, rolling his eye over the group of wives_] The Christian girl
will not be the first. She must take her turn.
CÆLESTIS
See! She remains. What did I tell you?
[_The other wives babble_]
HELIOGABALUS
If you are my lawful wives, then she is my lawful wife. I must be
just. As Pontifex Maximus I am the _incarnation_ of justice.
PAULA
I am against justice for Christians!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Humorously_] Exactly. There is always some one that justice doesn't
apply to.
CÆLESTIS
You might take her in, and then keep her a year.
HELIOGABALUS
It's theoretically possible, but very improbable. No, my inclination
to the Christian system has its limits. The girl must take her turn. I
must suffer, say once a year. Where is she, by the way?
PAULA
Praying somewhere, I suppose.
CÆLESTIS
[_Maliciously_] Maybe she has run off with that old bed-tick of an
evangelist.
HELIOGABALUS
I shall ask her to pray for _you_, Cælestis.
CÆLESTIS
[_Horrified_] Oh, oh! She'll put a spell on me!
HELIOGABALUS
Never fear. [_Wearily_] I have tried it. Her spells are nothing. She
couldn't even cure my stomach-ache.... And now, off with you. I have
important business. I am entertaining the Supreme Bench.
PAULA
[_Defiantly_] It is your duty to turn her out.
CÆLESTIS
It is your duty to--
ANOTHER WIFE
It is your duty--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Irritably_] Duty! Duty! Always my duty! Well, it is my duty to--
PAULA
Do your duty and you'll be happy.
HELIOGABALUS
A fallacy, my dill pickle. Duty may make a man able to _stand_ a thing,
but it never makes him _enjoy_ it. Now good-night.
[_He shoos them toward the door, left_]
PAULA
I object! I protest!
[_The other wives begin to babble, joining her protest_]
HELIOGABALUS
Enough! I order you--as Emperor! [_They grow silent and slink away_]
Disobey, and--[_They start out_, HELIOGABALUS _following them,
toward the door_] The name of the evening's nominee will reach you in
due course.
PAULA
[_At the door_] I--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Peremptorily_] Guards!
[PAULA _runs out, and the others crowd after her. In
the scuffle, one of the wives is pushed to one side, and finds
herself inside after the door bangs. It is_ DACIA.
HELIOGABALUS, _turning back toward the entrance to the
banquet-room, notices her. She hasn't said a word during the
preceding scene, but has noticeably hung back. Now, facing the
Emperor, she is suddenly confused, and turns toward the door in
alarm. But he halts her_]
HELIOGABALUS
What! Little Dacia! [_She nods shyly_] I didn't notice you. I didn't
hear a word from you.
DACIA
[_Ingenuously_] I didn't say anything.
HELIOGABALUS
Not a word about duty?
DACIA
No.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Elaborately kissing her hand_] Thank you.
DACIA
I hope you are feeling much better.
HELIOGABALUS
Thank you again. If I saw more of you, Dacia, I'd soon be well. [_A
pause_] I heard you singing last night. It was very sweet of you.
DACIA
[_Simply_] I thought you might like me to do it.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Now thoroughly interested_] Like it? I loved it! You gave me pleasant
dreams. I dreamed that things were as--as they used to be, and that--
DACIA
[_Snuggling into his arms_] Have you missed me?
HELIOGABALUS
Enormously! At first I wondered just what it was I missed so much, but
then I knew. It was my little wifey. [_He kisses her gently_] Now she's
never going to leave me again.
DACIA
[_With all the art of the cutie, but apparently simply_] If you want me.
HELIOGABALUS
I want you every minute. [_With elaborate tenderness_] I was so
worried about you. How did your cold get? Better? You are sure you
take care of yourself? I wish you would stop wearing those very thin
stockings. [_Feeling of her frock_] And this dress! It's like a
night-gown.
DACIA
[_Coyly, burying her face on his shoulder_] I have a new night-gown.
HELIOGABALUS
When am I to see it?
DACIA
You never notice such things.
HELIOGABALUS
What nonsense. Didn't I notice the pink one--the one you worked
yourself--all those forget-me-nots?
DACIA
That was the first you ever saw.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Sentimentally_] I'll never forget it. Ah, those days! Those happy,
happy days!
[_During all this scene_ SIMON _has occasionally peeped out from
behind the hangings, his eyes popping as_ HELIOGABALUS _grows more
and more ardent_. RUFINIUS _has discreetly turned his back and the
centurions are far to the right, also with their backs toward the
centre. All the while noisy music and whoops have been coming from
the banquet hall, with occasional bursts of applause. Now and then a
definite voice may be heard--probably old_ CAIUS'S]
DACIA
You _do_ love me, don't you?
HELIOGABALUS
Don't you know it?
DACIA
I think so. But how much?
HELIOGABALUS
That much. [_An enormous kiss. Then_--HELIOGABALUS _straightens up,
glances at the banquet-room entrance, and gives a weary sigh_] Well, I
suppose I must go in. It's really important--a very serious affair--the
first in months. You know why there has been none. I made a lamentable
error. I hate bloodshed, but I really think I'd be justified in--
[SIMON _peeps from behind the hangings, his eyes popping_]
DACIA
But I'll see you soon?
HELIOGABALUS
I should surely hope so. I nominate you number one. And I'll make Paula
number two, so there'll be no temptation to--
DACIA
[_Very demurely_] You won't be long?
HELIOGABALUS
How could I be long? [_Kissing her briefly again_] And don't forget!
[_He whispers to her, and, as if blushing, she hides her face on his
shoulder_] You understand?
DACIA
[_Whispers_] I'll be there.
HELIOGABALUS
And now--[_Another kiss_] Wear that pink one. You know. Now I must--[_A
sudden idea_] But why not simply stay? How idiotic of me not to have
thought of it! You can sit right beside me as you used to do. I'll get
away all the sooner.
DACIA
But it's a men's party!
HELIOGABALUS
Pish! You'd be welcome at _any_ men's party. Just watch how the
judiciary gape at you!
DACIA
But my frock! This old thing!
HELIOGABALUS
It's perfect! Those old rats never look at the clothes; they look at
the girl. [_He takes his laurel wreath from his head and puts it on_
DACIA'S _head_] There! The last touch!
[DACIA _is still doubtful and hangs back to steal a glance at
herself in a pocket-mirror, but_ HELIOGABALUS _takes her arm and
they turn toward the entrance to the banquet hall_. RUFINIUS _claps
his hands, trumpets ring out; the two centurions step forward and
draw back the hangings. A scene of gaudy splendour is revealed.
The banquet hall reaches to the back of the stage, with a floor
three steps higher than that of the corridor. A superb flash of
colour. There is a huge horse-shoe of a table, very low, and it is
surrounded by the low couches on which the Romans reclined at meals.
Around the horse-shoe are grouped the guests--senators, generals,
ambassadors, judges and other magnificoes--chiefly elderly and
grizzled men._ CAIUS _is to the left, and is quickly seen to be
far gone in liquor_. HELIOGABALUS' _place is in front and to the
right, so that when he rises to speak his profile is toward the
audience in the theatre. In the centre of the horse-shoe is a small
dancing floor, and exactly in the middle of it a tall fountain, with
coloured lights playing upon it. The walls of the hall are richly
decorated, and various barbaric banners show brilliant patches of
colour. All the guests are in white togas, but on the shoulder of
every one there is some coloured badge of rank. The musicians are
far to the rear and their music is heard constantly, save when_
HELIOGABALUS _speaks. They play strange, levantine tunes, sometimes
in the old Greek modes. Translated into modern tones, their music
sounds as if made by two violins, a 'cello, a zither, an oboe and a
snare-drum._
_As the hangings go back, and_ HELIOGABALUS, _with_ DACIA _on his
arm, is revealed to the banqueters, there is a sudden silence.
Then_ CAIUS _springs to his feet and shouts_ "Vivat Imperator!"
_and the whole assemblage rises. The old boys stand unsteadily as
he mounts the three steps and moves toward his place--it is evident
that they have been dining very well. There is no cheer, but the
chord of C major is sounded loudly by the musicians. This cuts off
the dance that has been in progress. The dancer, half-naked, pauses
irresolutely for a second, and then, full of stage-fright, leaps off
the dancing floor, plunges through the standing guests to the left,
and disappears. The guests all crane their necks to see_ DACIA]
CAIUS
[_Turning tipsily as the dancer makes off_] Hey, there!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Taking his place, with_ DACIA _beside him_] Let us sit.
[_The guests settle down, some gracefully enough, but others
with much difficulty. They all continue to steal stares at_
DACIA]
CAIUS
[_Rising unsteadily_] Majesty, the dancer took to the woods. I feel I
ought to apologize.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Genially_] Maybe something struck her suddenly--conscience, or
gallstones, or something.
CAIUS
Oh, no. I've known that little one for years--sound as a gladiator.
Maybe--[_He winks_] I'd better go and--and--
[_He rises wobblingly_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Cutting in_] And fetch her?
CAIUS
That's it--and fetch her.
[_He winks elaborately again and wobbles off, stumbling once or
twice over his toga_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Rising in his best imperial manner. As he gets to his legs the
musicians repeat the massive chord of C major_] Gentlemen, my apologies
for my tardiness. The fact is, I didn't know until the last minute if
my health would permit me to join you. I was brought here on a litter,
attended by two physicians. They are out in the ante-chamber at this
moment, mixing pills. [_With the sudden malignancy of the dyspeptic_] I
shall take, say, 5,000 more pills. Then we'll see how far a doctor's
neck can stretch--a curious scientific experiment--vivisection, so
to speak. [_Recovering his former manner_] But this is no talk for a
banquet. If I told you my symptoms you would fall into faints, with
screams of horror. [_One of the guests struggles to his feet and makes
as if to speak_] Yes, Senator, I have tried that Armenian lithia water.
I don't doubt it cured your ringing in the ears, but it has only made
my stomach-ache worse. No more water! I have got down enough water
of late to float Caius' whole fleet. To the sewers with water! What
have we here? [_He lifts up a goblet and sniffs at it_] Aha! Good red
Terentum! Gentlemen, I pledge you!
[_The whole assemblage rises, goblets in hand. Slaves elbow in with
fresh jars of wine, placing them upon the table_]
VARIOUS GUESTS
Vivat Imperator! Vivat Elegabalus!
HELIOGABALUS
Gentlemen, let us all drink to Rome, the one perfect and immortal
Empire--the model and despair of other states--the mother of
justice--the guardian of civilization! Rome cannot die! Rome forever!
GUESTS
Rome forever!
[_They drink stupendous drafts, some of them coming up quite out of
breath._]
[HELIOGABALUS _sits down, and offers a sip from his goblet to_
DACIA. _As the others tumble into their places, there is a turmoil
to the left, and_ CAIUS' _voice is heard_]
CAIUS
[_In a hoarse voice, without_] Oh, come on, dearie! Don't be afraid!
[_The guests snicker_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Rising so that he can see_] Bring her in, Caius.
[CAIUS _comes in with an almost naked dancing-girl. She is
coal-black and very much abashed. The guests whoop and roar as they
see her_]
CAIUS
This is a different one, Majesty. I couldn't find the other one. I
hunted high and low. [_Again he winks elaborately_] This one is an
Egyptian--her name is Irene. I take a fatherly interest in this one.
A GUEST
Dear old papa!
ANOTHER GUEST
[_Mimicking a baby_] Da-da! Da-da!
HELIOGABALUS
She seems bashful.
CAIUS
Just a little. Ain't used to dancing before ladies. [_An elaborate and
idiotic bow to_ DACIA] She has her instructions: no rough
stuff. Perhaps her Majesty--
HELIOGABALUS
Let her display her art. This is a different "Her Majesty."
CAIUS
[_Very drunk_] Profound apologies. My error. No offence, Majesty, I
assure you. My eyes--astigmatism--
HELIOGABALUS
Now then!
[_The music starts with a crash, and the dancer leaps into a wild
dance. At first the guests regard her stolidly, but in a few seconds
some of them begin to rise to see her better_]
CAIUS
[_Rising_] This is nothing, Majesty. This is just the start.
HELIOGABALUS
Very interesting. Has the dance any significance? Is it symbolical?
CAIUS
I should say it is. If you understand it, it brings tears to your
eyes. Very affecting, indeed. I'll explain it. You observe that sort
of flop-flop of the arms? Well, that signifies--[_The music drowns him
out. To the musicians, over his shoulder_] Not so loud, professor.
Where do you think you are?
[_The music grows soft. The dancing girl now launches into a
series of amazing wriggles, occasionally leaping into the air._
CAIUS, _very solemnly and unsteadily, explains as she goes on_.
HELIOGABALUS, _while this is in progress, sips his wine, and
gradually grows very mellow in humour. Now and then he laughs and
claps his hands_]
CAIUS
Her dark complexion, gentlemen, signifies death. Wash them, and they
are almost white. People think Egyptians are niggers--all a mistake.
I knew a girl in Memphis--her name was Saidee--almost as white as
anybody. [_The girl begins to shed veils_] There it is, plain enough.
The man is dying. Casting off this mortal coil. Dying by inches.
First his feet, then his arms, then his stomach, then his lungs,
then his--and so on. [_The girl squats, and wriggles about_] Death
struggles. Poor fellow doesn't want to go. Thinks he is too young.
[_She leaps into the air_] Last gasp. You can almost hear it. [_She
begins to whirl_] Getting dizzy. Scared. Sends for the priest. [_The
music slackens a bit_] Prayers. [_Louder and faster again_] Too late.
It's all up. [_A wild leaping about_] Throw out the reverend and send
for the embalmers. [_She leaps into the fountain_] The soul takes
flight. [_She is now almost naked. The water plays upon her_] Nothing
left but the body. Hardly a stitch on. Have to strip 'em, of course,
to pickle 'em. Very interesting process. They keep for ever. [_The girl
now launches into her final cavortings_] This shows the soul in the
Egyptian heaven. Very subtle symbolism. Every wriggle means something.
I remember--
[_During this last speech_, LUCIA _has quietly slipped into the
fore-scene, from the door to the right_. RUFINIUS, _of course,
observes her at once, and is visibly startled and alarmed. But
those in the banquet hall, at first, do not see her._ HELIOGABALUS
_and_ DACIA _are watching the dancer, and chuckling over_ CAIUS'
_exposition. The guests, with veil after veil coming off, see
nothing else. It is_ CAIUS _whose eyes first take her in. He halts,
glances swiftly at_ HELIOGABALUS, _and then at_ LUCIA _again. But
before his eyes are followed by_ HELIOGABALUS, LUCIA _has spoken_]
LUCIA
[_In round, resonant tones_] For shame!
[HELIOGABALUS _has been lolling with his arm around_ DACIA. _The
words electrify him. He leaps to his feet, and stands there for a
second as if thunderstruck and speechless_]
LUCIA
[_Her arms folded, standing firmly, as if defying the universe to move
her_] For shame!
[_The music stops and the dancer collapses._ CAIUS _grasps the table
unsteadily. A dozen other guests leap to their feet. There is a
dead silence_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Taking a step forward_] Hell!
LUCIA
You may well say hell. There is nothing in hell itself--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Conciliatingly, coming down the steps_] Now, now, my dear. Really,
you must--
LUCIA
Don't touch me, Beelzebub!
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, I say, darling! [_He is patently nonplussed. He turns 'round to
his guests_] Gentlemen--[_A deprecating, apologetic gesture_] You will
pardon me. My stomach, unluckily--
[_He comes down to the corridor floor, and the two centurions
swiftly and discreetly draw the hangings. In doing so they
accidentally uncover a corner of_ SIMON, _but it is only for an
instant, and they don't notice it. Neither does_ RUFINIUS, _who has
retired to the right_. DACIA _has come out with_ HELIOGABALUS, _but
she slips quietly to the left and stands against the wall, silent
during the ensuing scene_]
LUCIA
[_Oratorically_] For less than this the flames consumed Sodom and
Gomorrah! That woman was naked!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Weakly_] But she was a _coloured_ woman, my dear. Didn't you notice?
LUCIA
This infamy must end! A scarlet woman naked before you--and a scarlet
woman in your arms!
HELIOGABALUS
[_A sudden change of manner_] A what in my arms?
LUCIA
A scarlet woman!
[_It takes a moment for the charge to soak in, but when it does_
HELIOGABALUS _is completely changed. No more conciliation. He is
furiously angry and shows it_]
HELIOGABALUS
A scarlet woman? That "scarlet woman" is my wife!
LUCIA
[_Still resolutely, but somewhat alarmed by his rage_] _I_ am your
wife. Your _one_ wife.
HELIOGABALUS
_Are_ you? Well, that is something to be remedied. That is a curable
disease. A "scarlet woman"! Think of it!
LUCIA
[_Now beginning to realize that she has gone too far_] You would put me
away?
HELIOGABALUS
Either you put that crazy Christian balderdash away, or I put _you_
away. Once and for all time, I have got enough of it. I am Emperor
here, and I must live like an Emperor, not like a slave. This praying
shakes my nerves; water has given me a terrible stomach-ache; I have
chills at night.
LUCIA
[_Rather weakly_] The Word--
HELIOGABALUS
Maybe, but not for me! Damn water! Damn the Christian style of kissing!
Damn going to bed at ten o'clock! Damn--
LUCIA
[_Her hands over her ears_] Get thee behind me, Satan!
HELIOGABALUS
Satan! So Dacia is a scarlet woman, and I am Satan! And I thought I was
Emperor of Rome! [_Wildly, showing that there was wine in his goblet_]
For less than this, I have--
[_His fists clenched, he pauses_]
LUCIA
You can't harm me. The Lord is with me.
HELIOGABALUS
[_This last defiance determines him_] Oh, _is_ he? Then we'll see what
he'll do for you when the alligators begin to sniff you. Guards!
[_As the centurions spring forward_, LUCIA _screams_]
LUCIA
[_In great terror_] Would you kill me?
[_But before the centurions can reach her or_ HELIOGABALUS _can
reply_, SIMON _leaps from behind the hangings, his dagger drawn_]
SIMON
Stop, tyrant!
[HELIOGABALUS _steps back, startled, and for an instant the
centurions hesitate in alarm_]
LUCIA
Help me, Simon!
SIMON
Lay a hand on this maiden and I'll--
[_He flourishes the dagger and makes at_ HELIOGABALUS, _but by this
time the centurions have recovered their heads, and are immediately
upon him_. RUFINIUS, _from the right, also leaps to the rescue, and
in two seconds_ SIMON _is pinned from behind and his dagger is on
the floor_. DACIA, _during all this, has screamed once or twice,
but has not moved from her place. Sounds of music come from behind
the hangings, and shouts of laughter--loud enough to show that the
banqueters are very drunk, and do not hear the commotion in front_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ SIMON] So there you are!
SIMON
[_Almost incoherently_] Murderer! You would send your lawful wife to
the lions! Pagan! Heathen! [_Rolling his eyes upward_] O Lord, watch
over Thy servant! O Lord, send Thy lightnings to blast this heretic!
HELIOGABALUS
Bosh! Save all that O Lord business until you need it more. It won't be
long. [_To_ RUFINIUS] Take this man to the circus, and have
him chained--arm, leg and neck. There will be orders about him tomorrow
morning. I'll want the iron stake and a couple of barrels of whale-oil.
[LUCIA _screams and rushes toward_ HELIOGABALUS _supplicatingly,
but_ SIMON _drops on his knees in ecstasy. It gradually appears that
he welcomes death--that he craves martyrdom_]
SIMON
[_His eyes rolling_] O Lord, I thank Thee! To die in Thy name! Lord, I
thank Thee for this boon!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Astonished_] What!
LUCIA
I am to blame, not he. Let me--
SIMON
[_Still happy_] O Lord, I thank Thee for this boon--this martyrdom! I
thank Thee!
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! What is the idiot doing?
LUCIA
He is happy that he may die for the Faith.
HELIOGABALUS
The Faith? What has the Faith to do with it? He is to die for an
attempt at assault and battery.
LUCIA
It is all one.
HELIOGABALUS
Do you mean to say that murder is a part of Christianity?
LUCIA
No, but martyrdom is.
SIMON
[_To the centurions and_ RUFINIUS] Brothers, let us pray. Let
me pray for you.
HELIOGABALUS
Never in the world! I have heard enough praying to last me for ever.
[_To_ LUCIA, _still not quite able to comprehend it_] So he
actually _wants_ to be burned?
LUCIA
[_Preachily_] He thirsts for paradise.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Humorously_] _Solomon's_, I guess! Well, I'm surely not going
to accommodate him. [_To_ SIMON] Get up. [_To_ RUFINIUS _and the
centurions_] Let him go. [_To_ SIMON] You are reprieved.
SIMON
[_Blubbering_] Cæsar, I--
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! I say you are reprieved. You are not going to get to paradise
if _I_ can help it. [_To the centurions_] Take him out, give him a good
cowhiding, and run him out of town. [_To_ SIMON] If you ever
come back, off goes your Adam's apple. And I'll slice your nose flat
with your face. Bear that in mind.
LUCIA
[_Heroically_] If he goes, then _I_ go too.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Overjoyed by the news, he is momentarily speechless; then_--] Oh,
surely not! You don't mean to say that you--
LUCIA
Then _I_ go too!
HELIOGABALUS
But that's really too much! [_Bracing up perceptibly_] It's really
more than I deserve, fair gooseberry!
LUCIA
[_Rising to eloquence_] I turn my back on Nineveh. Out there in the
West--[_her arms flung wide toward the audience_]--_there_ is my work.
There I shall preach the Word. Far from these Roman cities and the sins
of men. There lies the future harvest of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Appraising the audience. Somewhat doubtfully_] Um--well--I wish you
luck. [_Eagerly_] But could you get ready in time? You see, Simon is
leaving at once.
LUCIA
I go with him.
HELIOGABALUS
But your clothes? It will take you some time to pack.
LUCIA
The Lord's work is not done in fine raiment. As I am, so shall I preach
the Word.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Very eager to get her off_] Nobly spoken. If you need any money--
LUCIA
I want no money. I shall pray for you.
HELIOGABALUS
[_In alarm_] But surely not here. This is no place for prayer.
[_Indicating the banquet-room_] It's really rather too--er--riotous,
isn't it? Pray for me after you get started. Pray for me out
there--[_pointing in the direction of the audience_]--in the West.
LUCIA
I shall pray for you every day and every night.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, yes--every night--out there--[_again pointing_]--in the West. And
now I must get back to my guests. The centurions will see you off. I
surely wish you every sort of luck. Let me hear from you now and then.
Let me hear how your enterprise comes on. I'll send word that you are
to be protected. A happy journey.
LUCIA
Fare you well! May the Lord keep you!
HELIOGABALUS
Thanks. Are you sure you don't need more clothes?
LUCIA
I need no worldly goods. My Faith, the Lord, are enough!
HELIOGABALUS
So you said. Well, then, good-bye and good luck! If you ever get into
difficulties, don't hesitate to write to me. Simply "The Emperor,
Rome," will reach me.
LUCIA
[_Going_] The Lord be with you.
HELIOGABALUS
Thank you.
LUCIA
The Lord forgive you!
HELIOGABALUS
Thank you.
LUCIA
The Lord bless you!
HELIOGABALUS
Thank you!
[_She goes out slowly, and_ RUFINIUS _and the centurions follow
with_ SIMON]
SIMON
[_At the door_] I suffer for the Faith. I--
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ RUFINIUS] Omit the cowhiding.
[_As they go out_, HELIOGABALUS _turns back alone_. DACIA _has
been concealed by the opened door at the left_. HELIOGABALUS,
_observing_ SIMON'S _dagger on the floor, picks it up and looks at
it reflectively. He runs his hands along the blade. He applies the
point to his breast. He tries the effect of the cold steel on his
throat. Loud music from within, and a great crash. Laughter and
applause_]
DACIA
[_Stepping forward, somewhat alarmed by his toying with the knife_] Be
careful!
HELIOGABALUS
[_He gives a start and turns quickly_] There you are! And I was
wondering what had become of you!
DACIA
I was here all the while.
HELIOGABALUS
Here?
DACIA
Over in the corner. [_Snuggling close to him_] I was awfully scared.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Now grandly brave_] Don't let it worry you, tender baby. It's the
trade risk. If this stomach-ache of mine fetches me, or those quacks
poison me with their pills, I'll be the first Roman Emperor to die in
bed for two hundred years. [_Amorously_] But we don't want to think of
such things, do we? It was worth risking my life to get rid of that
theologian.
DACIA
[_Coyly_] I thought you--liked her.
HELIOGABALUS
Bah! I work so hard that sometimes my mind wanders. Then there is my
stomach-ache. I thought she could cure it with that Christian magic of
hers--that praying, and O Lording, and so on. But it didn't work.
DACIA
Poor dear! And now you have to go back to the awful banquet. [_Yells
from within_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Tenderly_] Do you want me to go back?
DACIA
I? What have I to do with it?
HELIOGABALUS
You have everything to do with it. Do you want me to?
DACIA
[_Half a whisper_] No.
[_There ensues a long kiss. The arm of coincidence provides a dreamy
tune from the band behind the hangings_]
HELIOGABALUS
Let us cut the banquet! To hell with the banquet! What do you say?
DACIA
[_Like a naughty child_] To hell with the banquet!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Half to himself_] Imagine that Christian--[_taking her arm_] Come on!
[_They sneak half-way across the stage. His eyes feast upon her. He
halts a moment_] What wonderful hair!
[_They tiptoe off like truants as_
THE CURTAIN FALLS
THE END
Transcriber's Note: Italics are shown as _italics_.