the following day.
ACT I
ACT I
_The atrium in the imperial palace on the Palatine Hill. A splendid
and even gorgeous apartment, perhaps fifty feet long and twenty
broad. The spectator views it from one side, and one of the
longitudinal walls thus constitutes the background. At the left of
the spectator is the arched doorway that leads into the ostium,
or entrance hallway. At the right are two doors giving into the
peristyle, or garden. In the back are doors opening upon various
apartments, among them, a small triclinium or banquet-room._
_The atrium has walls of Cipilino marble, and there are ornate
pillars supporting each door-frame. In the centre of the floor
is a small pool, perhaps six by eight feet, and flush with the
floor. Above it, in the ceiling, is a skylight with movable bronze
sashes, and gaudy silk blinds beneath. Despite the architectural
magnificence of the apartment, its furniture, to modern eyes, seems
meagre. To the spectator's right, between the garden doors, there is
a solium--a high, stiff, ungainly chair, very wide, and upholstered
in imperial purple, i.e., a colour rather like the crimson of today.
In front of the solium stands a very ornate mensa, or table, with a
few backless stools. There is nothing more. Light is furnished by
Roman lamps on very tall candelabra. The moon filters through the
skylight._
_It is the night before New Year's Day of the year_ 221 A.D.
_As the curtain rises_, HELIOGABALUS' _atriensis, or major-domo_,
RUFINIUS _by name, ushers in the two physicians_, PISO _and_
POLORUS. RUFINIUS _is a stout Gaul with a full red beard. He wears,
of course, no toga, but there are chevrons of imperial purple on
the short left sleeve of his tunic._ PISO _and_ POLORUS _wear the
paenula--a long, plain cape, with a hood not unlike a monk's cowl_.
PISO'S _paenula is black, but_ POLORUS' _shows the florid colours
of a modern bathrobe_. PISO _is an old man and wears a long white
beard_; POLORUS _is younger and wears his clipped, almost in the Van
Dyke manner_.
RUFINIUS, _as soon as the two doctors have come to anchor by the
pool, offers them a salver on which stand two goblets of wine and a
dish of peanuts_.
RUFINIUS
The Emperor will be out presently. The banquet is just ending.
[_From within comes the sound of half-hearted mirth._]
PISO
[_Reaching for one of the goblets_] Very thoughtful of you, Rufinius:
I need it. I was up all night with a confinement case.
POLORUS
[_Somewhat sniffishly_] Yes, my dear Doctor Piso, they are very
tiresome. I'm glad I've been able to give them up.
PISO
[_Waspishly_] Give them up? _I_, Doctor Polorus, I _never_ give them
up! I pull them through.
POLORUS
[_Rather floored; apologetically_] I don't mean patients; I mean cases.
PISO
[_Put into good humour by the success of his repartee_] But _I_ mean
neither patients nor cases; I mean husbands.
POLORUS
[_Amiably, trying to make peace_] I suppose he was drunk, as usual.
PISO
Drunk? His very tears smelt like toddy. You could scarcely call him a
husband in alcohol. He was an alcoholic _extract_ of husband.
POLORUS
It's astounding how much they get down when such things are going on in
the house.
PISO
Yes, and the tighter they get, the more they want to kiss the baby. And
if you let them do it, then you have two cases of delirium tremens on
your hands--father and child. And the mother raising hell.
[_Sounds of feeble, somewhat laborious mirth come from the
banquet-room_]
POLORUS
What do you think of--? [_Nodding toward the banquet-room_]
[PISO _takes a handful of peanuts and munches them during
the following, now and then biting into a bad one and spitting it
into the pool_]
PISO
What is _your_ idea?
POLORUS
It looks simple. I say diabetes.
PISO
Why?
POLORUS
Well, for one thing, he's always so thirsty. Then, his legs are
beginning to trouble him. Thirdly--
PISO
Nonsense! He was born with that thirst. As for his legs, they are
simply overworked. The human leg was designed to carry a man, and
nothing more. Add his clothes, his conscience, his artillery, and his
jewelry, and then pile on a barrel of wine or so every day, and it
begins to lose confidence in itself.
POLORUS
The Empress Paula tells me--
PISO
Yes, I know all about the patent medicines he's swallowed and the
quacks he's had here. There was that Syrian, for instance. He
prescribed water-drinking.
POLORUS
She says he couldn't keep it on his stomach.
PISO
No wonder! I daresay his stomach wondered what it was.
POLORUS
What do you think of proposing?
PISO
Nothing could be simpler. If this were an ordinary man, say you or
that fat poinsettia over there, [_indicating_ RUFINIUS] I'd
simply put him to bed, give him a good big dose of castor oil, and then
send in my bill. Maybe I'd add a mustard plaster, and a gargle in the
morning. The next day, repeat the dose. And so on.
PISO
[_Uneasily_] But surely you're not going to--?
POLORUS
[_Horrified_] What! Prescribe castor oil for an emperor? The gods
forbid! Where are your professional ethics? Besides, I've been in jail,
and don't like it. And when I think of lions in the arena gumming this
old epidermis--!
[PAULA _enters from the peristyle, and the two physicians,
catching sight of her at once, make low bows_]
PISO AND POLORUS
Majesty!
PAULA
[_To_ PISO, _gushingly_] Oh, doctor, I am so glad to see you!
I have been _so_ worried!
PISO
[_In his best manner_] Be calm! This--[_indicating_ POLORUS]
is Dr. Polorus, my--[_maliciously_] assistant. Doctor, you are honoured
by the notice of the Empress Paula.
PAULA
[_Buttonholing_ PISO _tragically_] I surely hope you gentlemen can
do something for the poor Emperor. You can't imagine what I have gone
through. I think he's getting worse all the time. And those awful
quacks he has had!
PISO
Yes, I have heard. It's common gossip.
PAULA
One of them put him on water! Like a horse! [_It gradually becomes
evident that_ PAULA, _who is about 37 and rather chunky, is
somewhat alcoholized and inclined to weep_] I thought he would die the
first night. I was up the whole night. I wouldn't let any of the other
ladies touch him. I suffered terribly.
[_Succumbing to the martyr complex, she sobs boozily on_
PISO'S _shoulder_]
PISO
[_With professional tact_] And what seemed to be the symptoms?
PAULA
Just grief, I guess. The love of a pure woman. I still feel very faint.
POLORUS
Perhaps a goblet of wine--
PAULA
[_Promptly motioning to_ RUFINIUS] And you, too. Pardon me
for forgetting. I am all worn out. You doctors have to be up all night,
and--
PISO
[_Reaching for his goblet_] People simply _will_ send for one. I seldom
get out of my clothes.
[_The three drink_]
POLORUS
And you were saying that the Emperor--
PAULA
Doctor, you'd hardly believe it. He's so changed I hardly know
him--always complaining about his stomach-aches, and taking pills
and things. You know how lively he used to be--always up to some
pleasantry. Why, even when we had a quiet dinner here at home--just
him and me and the other girls--he'd have in one of those dancers from
Mesopotamia, and make him dance on a red-hot stove. Always something
jolly. And how he would laugh and cut up! But now look at him! Even
this New Year's Eve banquet is like a funeral. Think of it! He
wouldn't let me go to it--and I've been sitting beside him at banquets
for--well, ever since I was almost a child. And all the other girls
barred out, too--all except Dacia.
PISO
[_Professionally_] Too bad, too bad!
PAULA
I say nothing against Dacia--not a word. She is a very nice girl. I
was glad to see him marry her--that is, if he had to marry anybody. I
thought he had wives enough. You can imagine what trouble it makes for
_me_. But you don't want to hear _my_ afflictions.
POLORUS
Your Majesty was saying that the Emperor is depressed.
PAULA
Depressed? You'd think he had on damp underclothes! And he keeps on
sending for those quacks--even those crazy dervishes and religious
healers from Asia.
PISO
Religion? Aha! Mental symptoms!
PAULA
Why, yesterday I hear he actually had in one of those awful
Jews--Christians, some of them now call themselves--the kind they burn
at the circus.
PISO
Riff-raff! They actually say they can cure a sick man without medicine.
[_To_ POLORUS] Your pardon, Doctor.
POLORUS
No offence at all, I assure you. My family is from Spain--Mendoza was
the family name. I loathe these kikes as much as you do.
PAULA
[_Continuing_] So I sent for you doctors. I hear you do wonders. But
you must be careful. No feeling of pulses or sticking out of tongues.
Just say you have heard he is feeling poorly, and have dropped in as a
matter of patriotism. Don't tell him I sent for you. He'll be here in a
few moments, as soon as the _banquet_ [_she sniffs sarcastically_] is
over. You'll see how sick he is the moment he comes in.
POLORUS
And as for the symptoms, Majesty: you say he complains of--
[_His speech is cut short by the entrance of a guest who comes from
the triclinium supported by two slaves. He is very drunk and they
drop him beside the pool and proceed to bathe his face_]
PAULA
Oh, the poor man! Something has disagreed with him.
PISO
Who is the gentleman?
PAULA
I don't know him. I think he is one of the generals from the colonies.
[_To one of the slaves_] Who is he?
THE SLAVE
Caius Macrinus, Majesty. Commander of the Western Fleet.
PISO
Ah, a naval officer! [_To the slave_] Is he taken this way often?
THE SLAVE
[_Idiotically_] Only when he drinks.
POLORUS
I think it may be fits. Let's take a look at him.
PAULA
Shall I order some wine?
PISO
No. That is, not for the patient.
[_As_ RUFINIUS _makes for the goblets_, PISO _and_ POLORUS
_approach_ CAIUS _and shoulder the slaves away_. CAIUS _collapses at
the edge of the pool, and before_ PISO, _who is aged and stiff, can
grab his end, slides into the water, and out of_ POLORUS'S _hands.
The slaves jump in after him and drag him ashore, and the two
doctors proceed to revive him_]
POLORUS
Grab his arm and pump it up and down!
PISO
What do you take me for, a milk-maid? I am a physician!
POLORUS
I thought we'd try some artificial respiration.
PISO
Artificial respiration your grandmother! Slap him on the back: that'll
fetch him.
POLORUS
Yes, and give him pneumonia.
PISO
Pneumonia, flapdoodle! A drunken man _never_ gets pneumonia!
POLORUS
Since when?
PISO
Since the time of Romulus and Remus.
POLORUS
Well, _I_ have seen it.
PISO
You _thought_ you saw it. The patient probably had cholera. Or maybe a
fractured skull.
POLORUS
[_Sarcastically_] Palm-reader!
PISO
[_With equal sarcasm_] Barber!
PAULA
[_Brightly_] Why not roll him on a barrel?
POLORUS
Too late! He's getting over it. Besides, [_indicating the banquet
room_] what barrels there are, are in there.
[CAIUS _sits up and gazes about him weakly. Catching
sight of_ PAULA, _he waves his hand at her feebly. He has
forgotten where he is, and doesn't know that she is the Empress_]
CAIUS
[_Thickly_] Ah there, fair one! How about a little drink!
PISO
[_Horrified_] Sacrilege!
PAULA
[_Flattered by his apparent admiration_] Oh, let the poor commander
alone. He's feeling badly. [_She approaches him, with a goblet_] There,
that will make you better.
CAIUS
I remember you, little peppermint, but I can't place you. Didn't we
meet in--Alexandria?
PAULA
[_Sympathetically_] Oh, don't worry your poor head.
CAIUS
It doesn't worry me. I remember you now. What's become of that little
dark girl?
PISO
[_In alarm_] The Commander seems to be flighty. He imagines he's in
a--er, a private house.
RUFINIUS
[_Taking charge of the situation_] I'd better help him out.
[_He grabs_ CAIUS, _and with the two slaves, begins leading
him out_]
CAIUS
[_Drunkenly_] But I haven't paid for the drink! Let me pay for the
drink! I insist upon paying for the drink! I--
[_Exeunt_]
POLORUS
Delirium!
PAULA
[_Virtuously_] I can't imagine what he was talking about.
PISO
Oh, I have seen thousands of such cases. Most doctors make the mistake
of--
[_He is cut short by an uproar in the triclinium. Trumpets sound.
Suddenly three slaves appear at the door, crying_ "The Emperor!"
PAULA _at once prepares to depart_]
PAULA
[_To the doctors_] Remember. Very careful! Don't ask him to stick out
his tongue!
[_As_ PAULA _slinks into the peristyle_,
HELIOGABALUS _enters from the triclinium, with_
DACIA _on his arm. He is tall, sallow and apparently
somewhat liquored; his bad humour is obvious. He stalks across the
stage to the solium without a word, hands up_ DACIA, _and
takes his seat beside her with a scowl. He wears a magnificent toga
of imperial purple, with a wide band of cloth-of-gold at the bottom.
He carries a small baton, with a gigantic ruby at one end. He is
bareheaded_
[DACIA _is a very pretty blonde of, say, nineteen. It is
plain that she admires_ HELIOGABALUS _vastly, but there
is a touch of awe in her admiration, and it gives her a bit of
stage-fright to be with him as here. She is dressed in the white
garment of a Roman matron_
[_Following the two come several slaves, and two or three army
officers. The latter have been guests at the banquet and are more or
less tight_
[HELIOGABALUS, _seated upon the solium, claps his hand to
his tummy and turns to_ DACIA]
HELIOGABALUS
There it is again--that grinding pain.
DACIA
I'm _so_ sorry, dear. Shall I send for something?
HELIOGABALUS
The oyster-soup, I dessay. [DACIA _pats his arm_] Or the
speeches.
[_He dismisses the subject and sweeps the atrium with his eye. It
alights upon the two doctors, who immediately drop to their knees_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Irascibly_] So there you are! Get up! [_They arise_] Well, what are
_you_ doing in the Night Court?
PISO
May it please your Majesty, the thought occurred to us that it would be
a favourable moment for--paying our respects.
HELIOGABALUS
Aha, the crows smell the carrion! So you heard that I was ill?
PISO
Not exactly ill, Majesty, but--well, one might say slightly indisposed.
HELIOGABALUS
Indisposed? A sweet word. Then a man who has had his head cut off is
suffering from tonsillitis. [_Hypochondriacly_] I tell you my stomach
has all gone to pieces. I can hardly digest the blush on a peach.
PISO
Your Majesty describes the symptoms very trenchantly. Half the doctor's
work is done for him.
HELIOGABALUS
I haven't mentioned a damned symptom, you scurvy old body-snatcher. If
I began to tell you all my symptoms I'd talk your ear off.
POLORUS
Perhaps your Majesty will favour us with, say a specimen or two.
HELIOGABALUS
[_He hesitates, but finally thinks well of the suggestion_] Well, if
you are interested.... For example, what would you say of a sort of
peculiar buzzing sensation at the pit of the stomach, an hour after
meals? [_He makes elaborate circular motions with his fist_] And then
a sour headache, with peculiar flashes of light before the eyes?
Sometimes white; sometimes red; sometimes a sort of greenish purple, or
pinkish yellow, or bluish--
[_He halts lugubriously_]
POLORUS
[_Judicially and with a profound frown_] I should call it hyperacidity.
PISO
[_Derisively_] What! Hyperacidity? Then where is your heart-burn?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Interrupting_] Sir, I said _nothing_ of any heart-burn.
PISO
Precisely. My learned friend here simply--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Petulantly_] See here, who's sick, you or I? I tell you about
stomach-ache, and you begin talking of heart-burn.
POLORUS
[_Virtuously_] _I_ didn't mention it, Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
And it's lucky for you that you didn't mention it, Majesty! What is
_your_ guess?
POLORUS
_I_ say hyperacidity.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, that was your first guess. Now what is your second?
POLORUS
Cholelithiasis.
HELIOGABALUS
And then? What is number three?
POLORUS
Nervous dyspepsia.
HELIOGABALUS
[_In a sepulchral voice, gradually working himself into a rage_] And
which one do you favour for the death-certificate?
POLORUS
[_Horrified_] Surely Your Majesty is joking!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Now thoroughly enraged, he leaps down from the solium and proceeds
toward_ POLORUS _like a lion stalking a deer_] Joking? Is a
coroner's inquest a joke? Is an autopsy a joke? [_He explodes with
wrath and bawls for the guard_] Out with the jackass! Shove him into
tier two and fatten him for the leopards! Out with him!
[POLORUS _is hustled out, loudly protesting_. PISO _attempts a
discreet sneak, but_ HELIOGABALUS _detects it_]
HELIOGABALUS
Grab the old one! Duck him in the pool!
[_The slaves grab poor_ PISO _and throw him in. He comes up
instantly and tries to scramble out_]
PISO
[_Sputtering_] Injustice! Injustice!
HELIOGABALUS
Again!
[_They duck him_]
PISO
[_Coming up again_] I confess! Let me out! I admit everything!
[_The slaves haul him out. He shakes himself like a wet dog_]
HELIOGABALUS
Now throw him out.
[_They proceed to do it_]
PISO
Where is my stethoscope? I lost my stethoscope! I want my stetho--
[_Exit_]
DACIA
[_Sweetly, as_ HELIOGABALUS _returns to the solium and wearily
reseats himself_] You excite yourself, dear. [_She caresses him as if
he were a troubled child, but a bit timorously_] You should be calmer.
That old quack isn't worth--
HELIOGABALUS
Calm? How can I be calm with that dog-fight going on in my tummy? My
sweet birdie, you underestimate the effects of matter on mind. I ought
to have kissed you an _hour_ ago. It was my duty. Moreover, I inclined
to it--the thought presented itself to me. But just then I was seized.
I love you--but I am sick.
DACIA
[_Sentimentally_] If you love me, I am happy.
HELIOGABALUS
So am I--theoretically. But this---- [_He rubs his front sadly. Then he
suddenly pulls himself together. To the assemblage_] Let us proceed to
business. What is the first case?
[_A slave comes forward with a scroll and writing materials and
takes his place at the ornate table. He is the Clerk of the Night
Court. Two armed guards stand to either side of him. The following
scene is played very quickly_]
THE CLERK
Hecatus; 27 years old; attempted burglary.
HELIOGABALUS
Hecatus? Is he a Greek?
THE CLERK
Yes, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Then don't bother to bring him in. Have him thrown into the Tiber at
once. Next case.
THE CLERK
Cornelia Metelli; 20 years old; soliciting.
HELIOGABALUS
Bring her in.
[_The guard hauls in a bedraggled old wench, fully 45_]
CORNELIA
[_Beginning to protest from the moment she enters the door_] Your
Majesty, I give you my word I never done anything whatsoever at all.
I was just walking down the street, going to meet a friend, when that
policeman come up and--
HELIOGABALUS
Stop lying, my dear. I remember you very well. The last time, you held
up a drunken pall-bearer on his way home from a funeral.
CORNELIA
Your Majesty, you have got me mixed up with some other lady. I give you
my word I never--
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! Now let's be friends. How is trade?
CORNELIA
Your Majesty, you do me wrong, I assure--
HELIOGABALUS
Well, now, are we going to be friends, or do you want me to send you up
at once?
CORNELIA
Don't send me up again!
HELIOGABALUS
Then answer my polite question. I asked you "How is trade?" I take it
that it's not as good as it used to be. [CORNELIA _begins to sniffle_]
I suppose the night has to be very dark for you to be--insulted. Or the
stranger very soused.
CORNELIA
A poor girl ain't got a chance, Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Not after forty-five. Or fifty. [_To the assemblage in general_]
Consider, gentlemen, the sad fate of this poor working girl. Think of
her days of hope, of happiness. Of success. Think of the men she has
charmed! Think of the old, sad romance of her betrayal! I dare say it
was some gladiator, or an actor. Ah, the misery of the years! And now
contemplate her beauty in its decay: the night must be very dark, or
the stranger very soused. Observe that sepulchral wreck of what once
was a human face. [CORNELIA _sobs_] No, my baby, I shall not
send you up. Instead I am going to _do_ something for you. Day chases
day: you need a comfortable home. I appoint you a Vestal Virgin.
CORNELIA
[_In horror_] Oh, my God! Oh, your Majesty!
HELIOGABALUS
Sheriff, do your duty! [_The guard drags her out, protesting
raucously_] Next case!
THE CLERK
Lucius Macedonicus; aged 30; picking pockets. [_The prisoner is brought
in_]
HELIOGABALUS
Guilty or not guilty?
THE PRISONER
Not guilty.
HELIOGABALUS
That is to say, guilty.
THE PRISONER
Believe me, your Majesty, I wouldn't lie to--
HELIOGABALUS
[_To the clerk_] How many terms has he served?
THE CLERK
Twenty-seven, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
I begin to doubt the efficacy of the modern jail system. Let me think.
[_He meditates_] The sheriff is ordered to take the prisoner to the
place of execution---- [_The prisoner yells, but is silenced by the
guard, and_ HELIOGABALUS _goes on_]---- and there chop off the
index finger of his right hand--with one clean blow of a well-honed
sword--no amateurish butchering.
THE CLERK
Any further command?
HELIOGABALUS
On his recovery, he is to be given a place on the police force.
THE CLERK
[_In surprise_] The police force?
HELIOGABALUS
I said the police force. A pickpocket with the index finger of his
right hand gone is harmless. And so is a policeman. Call the next case.
[_The prisoner is hustled out_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Calling after_] Bring me the finger, Sheriff. I admire it. [_To the
Clerk_] What is the next case?
THE CLERK
Lucia the Galatian, alias Lucia the Christian; aged 21; blasphemy and
inciting to riot. One of the soapbox cases, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Bring her in.
[LUCIA _is brought in by the guard. She wears a simple white stola,
the common dress of Roman women, with a cross embroidered in front.
She is very pretty, and_ HELIOGABALUS _shows immediate signs that he
has duly observed the fact. He settles his toga, wets his finger,
smoothes his eyebrows, and assumes a mixture of amiable smile and
judicial frown._ LUCIA _folds her arms and is silent_]
DACIA
[_To_ HELIOGABALUS] She is _very_ pretty.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Heavily_] Oh, yes--in a sense.
DACIA
It's a pity to see such a pretty girl in the hands of the police.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Grasping at the idea_] A pity? It's revolting! Darling, it shocks
me to expose you to such a spectacle. I really can't permit it. My
conscience would never let up on me.
DACIA
But--
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly. Wifely duty, and all that. I understand. You love me. But I
can't permit it, really. Moreover, it is getting very late. You must
have your rest. [_He rises_] My arm.
DACIA
I am not sleepy at all, dear.
HELIOGABALUS
See. It has begun already! Insomnia from late hours. That's the way
_I_ began. I promised your father to take care of you, to cherish you,
to----
DACIA
But--
HELIOGABALUS
I positively refuse to let you sacrifice yourself. I hadn't noticed
the time. Now, my dear. [_He offers his arm, and she dutifully takes
it, though with obvious reluctance. They step down from the solium
and proceed to the door of the peristyle. At the door_] You have been
getting paler and paler for an hour. I noticed it but didn't say
anything. Now right to bed, my little ginger snap. Don't forget that
Heliogabalus loves you. [_He gives her a peck of a kiss_] I'll be with
you anon.
[_She goes out without a word. Immediately the door closes behind
her_, HELIOGABALUS _makes his way back to the solium with noticeable
haste. First he takes a precautionary look over his shoulder at the
door; then he devotes himself to a long gaze at_ LUCIA]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Genially_] So this is Lucia!
LUCIA
[_Oratorically_] The peace of the Lord be with you, Cæsar! I am not
afraid.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, surely not. I had no thought of harming you, my dear.
LUCIA
Ye who live by the sword shall perish by the sword. It is so written.
HELIOGABALUS
Perhaps you are right. But why did you kick up this disturbance on the
street?
LUCIA
I made no disturbance, Cæsar. I obeyed the command. I preached the Son
of God.
HELIOGABALUS
God? Which God?
LUCIA
The One God.
HELIOGABALUS
So there is only _one_ now? I heard the rumour only last week. But why
get excited about it? Why stir up those poor country yokels at the
market, and give the policemen trouble?
LUCIA
I came to preach the Word. I came to bring peace. Aye, even peace to
you, Cæsar;--with the sin and blood upon your hands.
HELIOGABALUS
[_To the clerk_] Mr. Clerk, the defendant is in the shadow. Can't we
move the lamps a bit?
[_The clerk moves them experimentally_]
HELIOGABALUS
So; an inch or so to the left. That's better. [_To_ LUCIA] And
now, my dear, about this blood upon my hands. Surely you have confused
me with some one else. I am never violent.
LUCIA
It was by your decree that they died--burned alive, torn to pieces by
wild beasts, butchered by gladiators--five hundred souls.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh-h, you mean those--what do you call them?--Christians! Well, surely
you are not complaining of that. All _that_ is a mere matter of
administrative routine. They practise magic; they claim to be able to
heal the sick, even to raise the dead. The law is the law.
LUCIA
It is their faith that gives life; it is their faith that heals. And
that faith [_touching her heart_] is here.
HELIOGABALUS
[_To the clerk_] I'll have to trouble you about the lights again. Bring
that big lamp nearer to the prisoner. The rest of you stand back.
[_The clerk so places the light that_ LUCIA'S _face is in
the full glare of it_. HELIOGABALUS _views her with obvious
and prolonged admiration_]
HELIOGABALUS
Thank you; now I can _hear_ her better. [_To_ LUCIA] And you were
saying, my dear?
LUCIA
[_Striking her heart again_] My faith is here. The truth is here. The
power of the spirit is here.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, so far, so good. But surely you don't claim to be a magician like
those other Christians. A pretty girl like you!
LUCIA
There is no magic! There is only the spirit.
HELIOGABALUS
But, my dear! What has the spirit to do with the belly-ache? How can
the spirit help a man when he is doubled up? What could it do for _me_?
LUCIA
Even you, Cæsar. Even _you_ are not beyond the grace of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Growing more interested_] Do you mean to say that I can be cured by
this new magic, this so-called Christianity?
LUCIA
By Christianity, Cæsar, and by the spirit within. Even _you_ may be
healed.
HELIOGABALUS
Do you mean without swallowing any more pills?
LUCIA
I know nothing of pills. I know only the work of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
But what I am getting at is: what is the _machinery_ of it? How do you
set the Lord to _working_? Just how do you do it?
LUCIA
[_Simply_] We pray.
HELIOGABALUS
Is _that_ all?
LUCIA
We lay on hands.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Vastly interested_] So! You lay on hands? And do you yourself--that
is to say, are you yourself a practitioner of this--this--laying on of
hands?
[_He leans over to glance cautiously at the door through which_
DACIA _has gone_]
LUCIA
My prayers have been answered. I take no reward. I would ask the Lord's
mercies even for you, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, all I have to say is that you are a very nice girl. First you
accuse me of murdering your friends, and now you say you are willing to
pray for me,--and even to lay on hands.
LUCIA
It is the command: forgive those who have ill-used you.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, I say: now you are going too far. Imagine _me_ ill-using _you_.
Sweet piece, you _wrong_ me.
LUCIA
[_In surprise_] I am not to be burned?
HELIOGABALUS
The idea! Burn _you_! The very thought of it revolts me. You have been
misinformed, my dear. I am a very humane man--even a polite man.
LUCIA
But--
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, I know what you are going to say. Now and then I am irritable--and
maybe order a man or two, or a dozen or so, to the--that is, now
and then, I let the law take its course. But when a man is in bad
health--and always has the stomach-ache--he sometimes gets out of
humour. Who wouldn't? You have no idea how much I have suffered, and
what awful medicines I have taken. Not half an hour ago I had to have
another of those quacks ducked in this very room. Well, the Christians
have this easy cure--this way of curing by laying on hands--and yet
they let me suffer. Is it any wonder that I sometimes lose my temper?
Now you say that _you_ also know the trick, and I was wondering--
LUCIA
I shall pray for you, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, by all means. But this laying on of hands--I have a notion that it
might, er--fit my particular case even better.
LUCIA
[_Diffidently_] We could try.
HELIOGABALUS
So we could. But not here. I have a feeling that a crowd might
be--well, unsympathetic. [_To the clerk_] The court recesses, Mr.
Clerk. Clear the room!
[_The guards proceed to drive every one out in headlong haste,
leaving only_ HELIOGABALUS, LUCIA _and_
RUFINIUS]
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ RUFINIUS] I shall cross-examine the witness in chambers.
[_To_ LUCIA, _offering her his arm_] My dear.
[_As they go out_, HELIOGABALUS _takes another
precautionary look at the peristyle. They go into one of the rooms
at the rear. The door closes._ RUFINIUS, _to whom the
business is an old story, heaves a sigh, pours out two goblets of
wine, and places them on the small table near the door. He then goes
to the door of the ostium, and calls out to an unseen guard_]
RUFINIUS
[_In bored tones_] Better get the musicians ready, Sampinus. They'll
probably be wanted presently. Are they all sober?
[_The guard makes no reply, but the clank of his sword is heard.
As_ RUFINIUS _turns back_, PAULA _enters from the
peristyle. She is somewhat dishevelled_]
PAULA
The Emperor--where is the Emperor?
RUFINIUS
He has just stepped out, Majesty.
PAULA
Just stepped out? Where has he gone?
RUFINIUS
He hasn't gone anywhere, Majesty.
PAULA
Bosh. Either he is out or he is not out. Don't deceive me!
[RUFINIUS, _stumped, answers nothing, but his eyes wander to the
door_. PAULA _quickly notices_]
PAULA
So he's in _there_, is he? And who is it _this_ time?
RUFINIUS
A young woman, Majesty--a young Christian woman.
[_There is a loud knock on the inside of the door, and_ RUFINIUS
_steps to answer. He opens the door very slightly and pokes his head
in_]
RUFINIUS
Majesty?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Within_] Music!
[RUFINIUS _claps his hands, and instantly two musicians
come in from the ostium. One has a Greek pipe and the other a
lyre. The piper blows a loud blast and breaks into lively music.
Suddenly there are again loud knocks on the inside of the door, and_
RUFINIUS _pokes in his head once more_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Within_] Not so damned loud! Something soft--and dreamy!
RUFINIUS
[_To the musicians_] Turn off the air in that pipe!
[HELIOGABALUS' _order appears ominous to both_
RUFINIUS and PAULA, _and they look at each other_]
PAULA
This looks serious.
RUFINIUS
I fear so, Majesty.
PAULA
You say she is a Christian girl--one of those ex-Jewesses who bawl and
beat tambourines on the streets? What does she look like?
RUFINIUS
I regret to report--
PAULA
Speak up! Is she good-looking?
RUFINIUS
[_Reluctantly_] In a sense, yes.
PAULA
That means she is very beautiful, doesn't it? Do I know any one she
looks like?
RUFINIUS
[_With a heavy attempt at courtliness_] Your Majesty must consult your
mirror.
PAULA
Enough of that blather! Do you think that I don't _know_ I'm--nearly
twenty-eight? [_With bitterness_] If I were still what I used to be,
I'd be in that room myself.
[_Another knock on the inside of the door._ RUFINIUS _responds.
Unintelligible words from within._ RUFINIUS _turns, empties the two
goblets, takes another flask from the table, and refills them. The
musicians keep droning softly_]
PAULA
What is that stuff?
RUFINIUS
The wine from Britain, brought to the Emperor by Caius Macrinus.
PAULA
You mean that stuff that tastes like smoke? Wine your grandpa! So he's
going to try _that_ on that poor girl! The third degree!
[RUFINIUS _passes in the two goblets_]
RUFINIUS
It _is_ somewhat heady.
PAULA
I should say it _is_. Why, the first time I tried it my head spun
around like a ballet girl. Now tell me about this girl. Is it just
a--you know--or is it--?
RUFINIUS
I'm afraid it is.
PAULA
Is what? [_Maudlinly_] Tell me, Rufinius! You wouldn't desert me! Tell
me the truth!
RUFINIUS
I'm afraid it's serious.
PAULA
You mean--?
RUFINIUS
Well, he hasn't ordered any guard to take her away in the morning.
PAULA
[_Hysterically_] There! I knew it! He'll marry her, and then I'll have
another on my hands. Eleven already--and now one more! I'll go crazy if
he keeps this up.
RUFINIUS
[_Reassuringly_] Well, maybe I'm wrong, after all. Perhaps he's merely
interested in her talk.
PAULA
[_Inconsolable_] Yes, that's the worst of it. If it was only her looks
I wouldn't care. A man gets his fill of _looking_ in no time. But when
he begins to _listen_ he's lost. [_Bursting into tears_] I think this
is too much. I've tried to be a good chief wife to the Emperor. Have
you ever heard me complain when he came home with a girl and--sent for
the musicians? Never! But I'm getting tired of this _marrying_. When
he marries another one _I_ have her on my hands. Who has to keep order
among them? Who protects them when he gets into a bad humour and begins
to talk of throwing half a dozen of them to the crocodiles?
[_She blubbers_]
RUFINIUS
But maybe Your Majesty is too pessimistic. I have a feeling that--
[_A knock from within the door interrupts him. He goes to the door
and the salver is handed out. On it are the two goblets. One is
empty; the other is still full_]
PAULA
[_Rushing up, she immediately notes the full goblet_] Ha! One still
full! [_Hysterically_] What did I tell you? This one is a wise one: she
refuses to drink. Now he's done for!
RUFINIUS
[_Alarmed at last_] It looks pretty bad.
PAULA
Bad? I tell you it's all over! I got him that way myself--and so did
most of the others. I know! [_Rising to martyrdom_] Oh, what have I
done to deserve this! And a Christian, too--a common street woman,
praying and bawling in the gutters! Imagine the palace with her around!
Worse, imagine the Emperor! Here, give me the goblet. I feel faint!
[_She downs the goblet_]
[_A commotion inside. A hand on the knob of the door_]
RUFINIUS
[_In alarm_] Your Majesty had better--
PAULA
Yes, yes. [_Starting off_] Let me know what happens.
[_She sneaks out just as_ HELIOGABALUS _enters with the
girl on his arm_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ RUFINIUS] Kick these vermin out [_indicating the musicians_] They
play bawdy music.
[RUFINIUS _kicks them out_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ LUCIA] And now, little dear, as I was saying--
[_His eye suddenly lights on the two goblets, and he notes that the
second one has been emptied_]
HELIOGABALUS
Rufinius!
RUFINIUS
Majesty!
HELIOGABALUS
Who emptied this goblet?
RUFINIUS
[_In great confusion_] Your Majesty, I assure you--
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! I don't want to hear any lies from you. So you have taken
to the jug again--after all your promises? While I am hard at work,
engaged in the administration of justice--labouring at affairs of
state--you loll out here in the atrium in your cups!
RUFINIUS
[_At a loss_] Your Majesty, I--
HELIOGABALUS
I have ordered you not to lie! If you tell me that it evaporated--in
four minutes--to the galleys! If you say you gave it to a blind
beggar--to the boa constrictors! If you say thieves broke in and stole
it--I'll burn you like a--like a Christian!
RUFINIUS
[_Eager to shield the Empress, he takes the blame. He falls to his
knees_] Majesty! I ask forgiveness!
HELIOGABALUS
Ha! You save your life! [_Irritably_] But this sort of thing has
got to stop! I can't have drinking men about me. [_A pause while he
meditates_] You must be punished. You must have your lesson. [_Another
pause_] How would you like to lose those beautiful pink whiskers?
RUFINIUS
[_Horror-stricken, he falls flat on the floor_] Majesty!
HELIOGABALUS
That's it, exactly. Call in the guard and we'll chop them off at
once--and maybe a slice of ear with them.
LUCIA
[_Protesting_] I hope your Majesty--
[_She is cut off by the entrance of_ PAULA, _who bounds in
from the peristyle_. PAULA, _by now, is in the last stages
of a crying drunk_]
PAULA
Stop!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Startled_] What?
PAULA
Rufinius is innocent!
HELIOGABALUS
Then it was--
PAULA
Yes, _I_ drank it. I was feeling faint. I took it--medicinally.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, it seems to have medicated you, all right.
PAULA
I think I had _cause_ to be ill.
HELIOGABALUS
What had you been eating?
PAULA
Yes, laugh while I suffer! You never think of me! Here am I, so faint
I can hardly walk--and you give banquets, and bring in women off the
street, and turn the palace into a--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Sternly_] My dear, you talk pish. This lady is Lucia. Lucia, the
Empress. Lucia was arrested--by a grievous error--and brought before
me--and we have been discussing certain problems--chiefly sociological.
PAULA
Yes, I know what your problems are--whether to make love to her and
fill her with nonsense, or just grab her.
HELIOGABALUS
My dear, I forbid you. Such talk is libellous, and grossly licentious.
You will make me believe that the wine has--affected you.
PAULA
[_To_ LUCIA] Don't you let him come over you with his soft-soap. That
man could talk a woman into anything. Haven't I seen him do it, with
one girl after another? He'll make you believe you are Venus and then,
when you get to be as I am, he'll--
HELIOGABALUS
What foolishness, my dear! Imagine this beautiful, this innocent, girl
ever getting like you are!
PAULA
Wasn't I beautiful and innocent once?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, maybe _once_.
PAULA
[_Maudlin_] And when I think of those other poor girls.
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ LUCIA] Unluckily, my sweet Venus, the Empress is not
herself. I have noticed it for some time. About twenty years. [_To_
PAULA] Wouldn't it be better, darling, if you went to bed?
Perhaps a good night's rest would help you. Or shall I send for Piso?
PAULA
Piso? Never! That dirty old fraud--
HELIOGABALUS
And yet you sent for him to monkey with my stomach--my poor, sick
stomach! Don't say you didn't. I know all about it. By this time, my
dear, you should have more respect for my spy system.
PAULA
That's the way: You always put it on _me_! When _you_ have done
something, you accuse _me_ of something. Oh, what--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Humouring her_] But why go into that? You are--ill, and ought to be
in bed. And besides, I have business. There is, for example, the matter
of Rufinius' ear. It had better be attended to at once.
RUFINIUS
Oh, Majesty, Majesty!
PAULA
Rufinius is innocent. I drank the wine--all of it!
HELIOGABALUS
I believe you--but nevertheless, Rufinius _lied_ to me. Can I afford to
let it get about that it is safe to lie to the Emperor of Rome? Surely
not. Now, go to bed and get a good night's rest and let me attend to
Rufinius' ear. He is tired of waiting. The longer we put off the matter
of his ear, the longer it will take to heal.
[_Taking her arm he pushes her out_]
PAULA
[_Going out blubbering_] What have I ever done to deserve such awful,
such cruel, such--
[_She disappears_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_To_ RUFINIUS] Now get the guard, and bring in the tools.
It'll be all over in a few minutes.
RUFINIUS
[_Screeching_] Pardon, Majesty, pardon! I--
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! I have already pardoned you. This other business is a mere
reminder, a souvenir. Go get the guard. I am busy.
[RUFINIUS _staggers to his feet, and starts slowly toward the
ostium_]
LUCIA
But surely, your Majesty, you are not--
HELIOGABALUS
It won't take three minutes, I assure you. I'll do it myself--and I
have a steady hand. Then we can resume our--studies--
LUCIA
[_Clutching his arm_] But surely this is not necessary. "Vengeance is
Mine, saith the Lord." I beg of you, Cæsar--
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, I forgot. Your religion. Your Christianity.
LUCIA
We are forbidden to shed blood, even an enemy's.
HELIOGABALUS
But no one is asking _you_ to shed any blood, little pigeon. I'll do it
myself. Besides, there won't be much.
LUCIA
Or to _see_ it shed.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, now, isn't that going rather far? Wouldn't it be fair to call
that a rather _extreme_ view?
LUCIA
[_Her hands on him_] Cæsar, I beg of you, I implore you--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Melting, he slips his arm around her_] Oh, if you put it on those
grounds, why, of course--[_He strokes her hair_] Do you like me, Lucia,
just a little bit?
LUCIA
I'd like you more, Cæsar, if--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Sentimentally_] How much more?
LUCIA
[_Her eyes downcast_] Maybe a great deal more, if--
HELIOGABALUS
Honest? You swear it?
LUCIA
We are forbidden to swear. "Let your Aye be Aye, and your Nay--"
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, but you _would_, wouldn't you?
LUCIA
I think I would, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Calling to_ RUFINIUS] Rufinius, you may keep your ear. And
your beautiful pink whiskers, too.
RUFINIUS
[_Turning at the ostium_] Your Majesty is good!
HELIOGABALUS
Moreover, you look tired! You have long hours. Suppose you take a
little nap out in the ostium. I'll call you if I want you. I have a bit
more--business--with this young lady.
RUFINIUS
At your Majesty's command.
HELIOGABALUS
And before you go out, you might as well dim some of these lights. They
seem to me to be a bit glary, so to speak. How about putting out that
big one over there? [RUFINIUS _extinguishes it_] So, that's better. Now
run along. If I want you I'll call. But don't sit up for me.
[_Exit_ RUFINIUS]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Approaching_ LUCIA _and eyeing her admiringly_] And now, my
dear and very delightful Christian maiden, now that we are alone, let
us sit down and have a cosy little chat. Oh, not on that stool; it will
tire your back. Why not here? [_He mounts the solium_] See, I'll sit
here in my regular place, and you--well, you sit so. [_He draws her to
his knee_] How's that? Comfortable?
LUCIA
I am afraid, Cæsar. My people will be wondering where I am.
HELIOGABALUS
And a good joke on them, too. [_He laughs elaborately_] They'll think
you are on your way to the lions--and here you are as safe as a bug in
a rug--and converting the Emperor to this Christianity, as you call it.
Now, about that Christian kiss you showed me--just how is it done?
LUCIA
[_Pecking at him modestly and very gingerly_] Like this.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Disappointed, shaking his head_] Um, kind o' short. Not like--but
maybe--after a while, after a little while ...
LUCIA
[_Bashfully, but with art_] I'm afraid you won't respect me.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Looks at her sharply_] What's that?
LUCIA
I said I thought you would think I was--
HELIOGABALUS
Pish-posh, little goose-liver. I never think such things. Don't mention
them.
LUCIA
But you have a wife already.
HELIOGABALUS
A wife? I have eleven.
LUCIA
[_Horrified_] What! Eleven!
HELIOGABALUS
Eleven living. My poor, dear Marcia is dead--among others. Paula
succeeded her. Dynastic reasons, my juicy plum: the merit system was
unheard of in those days. Then there is Annia Faustina, with the red
hair. And Cælestis. I married her in Gaul: I was very lonely. And then
there is Aquilia Severa. And Falia. And dear little Dacia. That was
Dacia who was with me when those scoundrels brought you in. You will
like Dacia--that is, you _would_ like her if you knew her. And then
there is Gestina. And--
[_He hesitates_]
LUCIA
That makes seven.
HELIOGABALUS
And Blenina, the blonde. And Alinia. And--
LUCIA
That makes nine.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, let so much be considered the reading of the minutes. It would
only bore you to go on. Besides, why do it? Put them beside _you_, my
new baby--oh, my! You saw one of them--Paula. Imagine a cultivated man,
a man of artistic tastes, swapping a real kiss with--
LUCIA
But the Lord forbids. A man must cleave to one wife.
HELIOGABALUS
A sensible idea. In fact, a capital idea. If the rest of Christianity
is like that, put down my name at once. But it's too late.
LUCIA
You have married all these women?
HELIOGABALUS
Every one of them, so far as I can make out. Including Paula.
LUCIA
Then you have broken the law of the Lord. Then you have sinned.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Snuggling close_] Oh, come now. Surely it is no sin to marry. I
always thought that--
LUCIA
Marriage is of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, how do you make it out that I have sinned? If it's all
right to marry one wife, why should it be a sin to marry another wife?
LUCIA
You are mocking me, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Not at all, I assure you. I am quite serious. Just _why_ should it be a
sin, as you call it, to marry more than one?
LUCIA
There are many reasons, Cæsar. The Lord has spoken. A man, in His eyes,
can truly love but one woman.
HELIOGABALUS
Fiddlesticks, little prune cake. I have eleven wives, and I love no
less than _four_ of them.
LUCIA
_Love_ them?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, more or less. At all events, I _did_ love them. Now--
LUCIA
You loved them _truly_?
HELIOGABALUS
One of them for _two_ long years!
LUCIA
But marriage must endure unto death.
HELIOGABALUS
It did. It wasn't _my_ fault. But figure it for yourself: When I caught
her with that gladiator, what could I do? It was a great shock to me.
LUCIA
You--?
HELIOGABALUS
It cut me to the heart. I almost felt like taking some of the poison
myself.
LUCIA
[_Horrified_] You had her poisoned?
HELIOGABALUS
What was I to do? I went as far as I decently could. I invited the
gladiator to dinner. They died in each other's arms. I even buried him
at my own expense.
LUCIA
You are horrible.
HELIOGABALUS
I am a husband.
LUCIA
You are a pagan--an infidel!
HELIOGABALUS
And you? Isn't a Christian an infidel? You, too, are an infidel--but
[_sentimentally_]--a very dear, sweet little infidel. Now, how about
another of those Christian kisses--but this time a man's size one?
LUCIA
[_Not heeding him_] Could you share your love--or what you call your
love--for me with any other woman?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Under the spell of her beauty_] You try my philosophy sorely.
LUCIA
[_Insistent_] Could you?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I'm no longer as young as I used to be.
LUCIA
Could you?
HELIOGABALUS
Turn your head a bit, so that the light falls on your hair. Ah, the
moon! There, that's better. Now, what was it you said?
LUCIA
Could you share your love for me with another woman?
HELIOGABALUS
[_A pause, during which he admires the picture. Emphatically_] No!
LUCIA
[_Radiant_] Ah, Cæsar, you see! Or you begin to see. The star of
Bethlehem has begun to shine in Rome!
HELIOGABALUS
[_His arm about her_] I don't see any star, my dear, but the stars that
shine in your amethyst eyes. Now, please--[_A kiss_] And now another.
LUCIA
What! Right away!
HELIOGABALUS
Don't be afraid of crowding them. I could stand millions of those
stingy Christian kisses. A thousand of them would only make one real,
honest Roman kiss.
LUCIA
No.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes.
LUCIA
No, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
I order you.
LUCIA
[_At once archly and coolly_] In whose name, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Desperately in her thrall_] In the name of your God, whose light I am
beginning to see.
LUCIA
[_Now more persuaded_] Well, just a little one.
[HELIOGABALUS _negotiates a long, strangling, gurgling buss_]
LUCIA
Oh, my!
HELIOGABALUS
Was it nice?
LUCIA
[_Coquettishly_] No. You are bad, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
What! Bad!
LUCIA
Bad, bad, Cæsar.
[_A great crash in the ostium, with yells._ HELIOGABALUS
_jumps to his feet and reaches for his sword, almost dropping_
LUCIA. _Presently a Christian comes bounding in, with_
RUFINIUS _and two guards hanging to him_. RUFINIUS
_is in his undershirt and barefooted. The Christian is a man of
gigantic stature, and the three have difficulty in holding him.
But finally they pin his arms behind him_]
THE CHRISTIAN
I want to see Cæsar! I must face Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Observing that the three have at last made him, fast. Folding his
arms_] Let him speak.
THE CHRISTIAN
I accuse you, Cæsar, of debauchery.
HELIOGABALUS
What! You come here in the middle of the night to--
THE CHRISTIAN
I call on you in the name of the Lord--
HELIOGABALUS
[_To Lucia_] Do you know this gentleman? Who is he, and what does he
want?
THE CHRISTIAN
I want you to liberate that poor, innocent girl--that lamb of the Lord.
LUCIA
He is Simon of Cappadocia.
SIMON
[_Still roaring_] Let her go! Release her from your loathsome embraces!
HELIOGABALUS
Listen to that! [_To Lucia_] Think of that, my dear!
LUCIA
[_Quietly_] You are wrong, Simon. The great Cæsar has done me no harm.
HELIOGABALUS
There, you see!
SIMON
He has not laid his hands on you?
LUCIA
No. That is--
SIMON
[_Refusing to believe it_] You fear him. You are afraid to speak! [_To_
HELIOGABALUS] Cæsar, what are you doing to this maiden?
HELIOGABALUS
Doing to her? I am _admiring_ her.
SIMON
What are you _going_ to do to her?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Embarrassed_] Now, really--[_To_ LUCIA] Who did you say he
is?
LUCIA
One of our pastors--Simon. [_Apologetically_] He is very--
HELIOGABALUS
A pastor? That is, a clergyman? [_To_ SIMON] Are you in holy
orders?
SIMON
I am a poor shepherd. I seek this strayed lamb. The wolves--
HELIOGABALUS
Good enough. I respect you for it. So you are a clergyman? Well, that
simplifies matters enormously. Get out your tools. [_Bells begin to
ring out_] The New Year!
SIMON
[_In alarm_] Tools?
HELIOGABALUS
The things necessary for your ceremony of holy marriage. I assume that
you carry them with you. [_The din increases_] It's the New Year--and I
turn over a new leaf!
LUCIA
[_In astonishment; protesting_] But, Cæsar--
HELIOGABALUS
Nonsense, my dear. Tomorrow it may be raining, or there may be a
parade--[_To_ SIMON] And now, Doctor, you may begin. Do I
stand here?
[_The din still increases_]
LUCIA
[_Swept off her feet_] But, Cæsar, your other wives!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Himself completely gone_] I am _done_ with my other wives!
LUCIA
Done with them?
HELIOGABALUS
Henceforth and for ever! You shall be my _one_ wife! And your faith my
faith!
LUCIA
[_Wide-eyed_] You mean--you mean, Cæsar, that through me, through love
for me, you have come to see the light?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Swung along by the situation_] I mean, my fair maiden, that I have
seen some kind of light in your beautiful eyes. I don't know just what
it is, or exactly what it stands for, but I love you, adore you, want
you--and am willing to follow it--blindly.
SIMON
[_To_ LUCIA, _in amazement_] Can you--do you--believe?
LUCIA
[_Taking the Emperor's hand, as the chimes swell to a great clamour_]
The great Cæsar sees at last!
HELIOGABALUS
[_His eyes feasting upon her_] What wonderful hair!
CURTAIN
ACT II
ACT II
_Sometime in the middle of the year 221_ A.D.
_The scene is the cubicula nocturna, or bedroom, of the Emperor in
the Palace. Time: 10_ P.M.
_A rather shallow and crowded apartment, with doors at the left
and upper right, and a single window at the right. The Romans,
of course, did not have beds of the sort we sleep in today. The
thing they used was a sort of chaise-longue--that is, it had no
foot-board._ HELIOGABALUS' _bed is to the left of the
spectator, with its back against the back wall and its foot facing
the footlights. Beside it, separated by a space of no more than
two feet, is the huge bed of his wives. It is, in design, exactly
like his own, but it is at least 20 feet wide. The bed-clothing
stretches unbrokenly from side to side of it, but there are separate
pillows--twelve of them, each embroidered with a large monogram in
purple. The pillow with the "L"_ [_for_ LUCIA] _is nearest_
HELIOGABALUS' _bed. In the narrow space between this huge
bed and_ HELIOGABALUS' _there is a small night table,
and on it are a lamp and a bottle of water and goblet. This lamp
furnishes the only light in the room. Twelve clothes-racks, piled
with finery, are at the extreme right._
_As the curtain rises_, HELIOGABALUS _is propped up in bed,
reading a scroll by the light of the lamp_. LUCIA _is the
only occupant of the other bed. She is lying near the middle of it,
and is thus about 10 feet from_ HELIOGABALUS.
HELIOGABALUS, _still holding the scroll in one hand,
reaches over, pours out a goblet of water, looks at it sourly, makes
a face, heaves a sigh, and drinks it_.
HELIOGABALUS
What stuff! No wonder I've still got the stomach-ache. [_Slowly rolling
up the scroll as he gives it a final scrutiny_] Hm--hm--hm-- ...
LUCIA
[_After a pause, sleepily_] What have you been doing, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
Drinking that washing-water you make me drink, and reading.
LUCIA
Reading what?
HELIOGABALUS
Poetry.
LUCIA
[_Piously_] Poetry is corrupting.
HELIOGABALUS
I agree with you. Listen to this: [_Reading_]
We shall meet beyond the Jordan
In the heavenly fields so fair;
We shall meet our loved and lost ones--
There will be no parting there.
LUCIA
[_Somewhat uncertainly_] Who wrote it?
HELIOGABALUS
One of your Christian poets--Commodianus. What you call a hymn writer.
It sickens me.
LUCIA
[_Challengingly_] I like it.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, and you also like the Song of Solomon. I blush for you, little
sweetbread. The Song of Solomon is pretty raw stuff. It is astonishing
what a few months of marriage will do to an otherwise modest girl.
LUCIA
[_Primly_] Solomon sang of Paradise.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, did he? But he took good care to fill Paradise with cuties. He had
the imagination of a sailor. If Paradise is actually full of that sort
of thing--if such didoes go on there--then all I can say is that--
LUCIA
Now don't start moralizing, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Why not? I am moral: why shouldn't I moralize? Is it a crime for a cow
to give milk?
LUCIA
[_An exclamation of disgust_] Oh, you always--
HELIOGABALUS
I have been faithful to you, little pullet, for 180 days and, what's
more, 180 _nights_. How's that for morals? I defy you to find me a
Christian to match it, at any weight. Think of it! Here am I, still in
the prime of life, Emperor of Rome, Pontifex Maximus and all the rest
of it, and yet I am as virtuous as a convict in the death-house. Here
am I without a glass of schnapps for six months. Here am I with twelve
wives, at least five of them charming, and I lock eleven of them out,
and--
LUCIA
You must obey the Word.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I have obeyed it. And what do I get for it? I still have my
stomach-ache. And the one wife I have left rolls over about half a
mile, and leaves me to shiver over bad poetry. [_He throws the scroll
on the floor_] My dear, you must allow something to my training. I am
used to society at night. Loneliness always starts up my dyspepsia.
How many times have I suddenly wakened and cast my eye over that bed
and watched the sweet girls as they slumbered, or whispered to one
another, or nudged one another, or giggled in their more or less
perfect innocence. There was always at least _one_ awake. And when she
saw me sitting up wearily, tortured by some business of state, she
would crawl over and pour me out a drink of the real stuff, and then
snuggle into bed with me, and stroke my hair, and--
LUCIA
There was always an Eye upon you. There was One who saw.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, if there was, then I call it damned bad form. Even the gods
should have _some_ decency.
LUCIA
[_Horrified_] Decency?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, say good manners.
LUCIA
Now you blaspheme, Cæsar. You should pray.
HELIOGABALUS
I am willing. I have no objection to prayer--in its proper place. As
you may recall, I was originally designed for the church: it was only
accident that threw me into politics. But your proposal, now--your
scheme of praying _here_ every evening--isn't it a bit vulgar?
LUCIA
What an idea!
HELIOGABALUS
Still, I can't rid myself of it. It haunts my conscience, so to speak.
Just think of it a moment. Imagine praying in a--_bed_room! Don't you
get a vague flavour of, say, impropriety? Isn't it a trifle--indelicate?
LUCIA
I think you are talking nonsense.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Reaching for the water-jug and pouring out another goblet_] Maybe
I am. [_He takes a swallow, chokes and spits it out_] But isn't that
precisely what a man seeks in marriage--a sort of virtuous nonsense?
You forget the way I make a living, my cold little rabbit. My days are
filled with gloomy duties. If I didn't look solemn as an owl the people
would lose confidence in me. Say I go to the circus. There are twenty
Jews in the arena, and the guards let out the lions. One Jew tries to
climb up another Jew. Imagine the fun!
LUCIA
How you talk!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Rubbing his stomach, as if feeling a pain_] Nevertheless, it is
actual fun, genuine humour--and I naturally want to squat on my little
rearo, throw back my ears and yell. But I am the Emperor, and so I must
keep my dignity. Every one else whoops and bawls, but if I go further
than a snicker then it begins to be talked of in the barber-shops,
and people say that I am drinking too much. [_He casts a self-pitying
glance at the water-bottle_] Even as it is, a good many of them think
that I am somewhat--flightier--than I ought to be. For example,
consider my interest in you--especially my interest in your faith--this
so-called Christianity of yours. Well, to _you_ it may be serious
enough, but think how it must appear to the average respectable Roman.
_He_ regards it as simply pishposh--and he thinks of _me_ much as he
would think of me if he heard that I was interested in some sort of
idiotic Egyptian sorcery.
LUCIA
[_Primly_] I see no possible connection.
HELIOGABALUS
Naturally not, little canary. You are not a Roman. Well, neither
am I. I was born in Syria. I am hyphenated. But now to get to my
point. First, my business all day is solemn; secondly, these little
theological debates of ours in the evening are solemn. So you see what
is the matter. I lack recreation. I lack--well, there is nothing to
distract and mellow my mind.
LUCIA
[_With a touch of sarcasm_] Well, what do you suggest?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Brightening_] I suggest, first of all, little squash-pie, that you
come over here and give your little papa a great big kiss.
LUCIA
[_Still primly_] You had better go to sleep.
HELIOGABALUS
What! At ten o'clock! That's another thing: this ten o'clock business.
Really I--
LUCIA
It is time.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, it is time for a kiss. Plenty of time--time for a good, long,
damp, sticky one. [_Wheedling, half rising_] Now, come on, Lucia! Be
nice!
[_She rolls one eye at him, but doesn't answer. He projects one leg
out of bed_]
HELIOGABALUS
Shall I? [_She rolls the other eye indifferently_] Do you dare me? I
double-dare you to dare me!
[_She remains silent_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Now completely out of bed, and standing in the narrow space between
the beds_] Well, here goes etiquette! Strictly speaking, my gumdrop,
you should come to _me_. Remember, I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex
Maximus. But let it go. Do I get the kiss?
LUCIA
[_With a stiff coquetry_] _A_ kiss--perhaps.
HELIOGABALUS
Only perhaps. And only _a_ kiss?
LUCIA
[_Slightly unbending_] Well, then, maybe--
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then maybe what?
LUCIA
Maybe _a_ kiss.
HELIOGABALUS
Hear, hear! Maybe _a_ kiss! And here I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex
Maximus, not to say a husband! [_He climbs into the big bed and starts
across toward_ LUCIA _on hands and knees. She begins to roll
away from him_] Hey, there, little cocoanut, where are you going? [_He
falls flat_] Halt! [_He gets in motion again_] Remember, sweet oyster:
love, honour _and_ obey!
[LUCIA _eludes him, and he descends to various monkey-shines by way
of wheedling her. He grabs a pillow and hurls it at her and she
flings it back at him. Finally, to the tune of her screeches, he
reaches her. He grabs her arm._
[_At this instant there is a heavy knocking at the door._
HELIOGABALUS _leaps back, and listens on hands and knees, ears up,
in the attitude of a cocker-spaniel_]
HELIOGABALUS
Thirty thousand oh-hells!
LUCIA
[_Covering her ears with pillows_] Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
[_He crawls out of the big bed very clumsily, and into his own bed
again_] Who is it? [_An unintelligible voice is heard outside_] Who?
[_Another blubber_] What? [_Another_] Who? [_Another_]
LUCIA
It must be Rufinius.
HELIOGABALUS
Ah, Rufinius! So it's Rufinius? And I told him I was--reading. [_He
slides out of bed into the space between the two beds and grasps the
heavy water-bottle by the neck_]
LUCIA
[_In alarm_] Don't hurt him!
HELIOGABALUS
Sh-h-h-h! [_The knock is repeated_] Sh-h-h-h! [_He takes a firm grip on
the bottle_] Come in!
[_As the door opens and_ RUFINIUS' _head appears_, HELIOGABALUS
_lets fly with the bottle. It misses_ RUFINIUS _by a foot, but he
ducks back and slams the door. A moment's silence_]
HELIOGABALUS
I bet it singed him, anyway.
[_He climbs back into bed_]
LUCIA
You might have killed him.
HELIOGABALUS
_Might_ have killed him. I _ought_ to have killed him. I'll attend to
it in the morning.
LUCIA
He thinks I made you throw that bottle at him. [_Pause_] He doesn't
like me.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Wearily_] Nonsense. What makes you think so?
LUCIA
I just simply _know_ it.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Testily_] Hang this intuition! _How_ do you know it? What's the
evidence?
LUCIA
[_Somewhat reluctantly_] Well, when I gave him a tract one day last
week he wouldn't take it.
HELIOGABALUS
Why not?
LUCIA
He said he was a heathen, and proud of it. He said his father was a
Gaulish prince and worshipped idols. I warned him of--hell-fire.
HELIOGABALUS
And what did he say to that?
LUCIA
He said--well, he said he had made up his mind to _go_ to hell.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Chuckling_] Good for old Rufinius! For that I'll have to let him off.
Remind me _not_ to have him killed in the morning.
LUCIA
[_Querulously_] You seem to sympathize with him.
HELIOGABALUS
In a sense, yes. Things are not as they used to be--not as he likes
them. Rufinius, you see, is getting old, and old fellows dislike
changes.
LUCIA
Have I changed anything?
HELIOGABALUS
You surely have. The palace is not quite the--well, not quite what it
used to be.
LUCIA
[_Defiantly_] The change is for the better, Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
Morally, yes. _Spiritually_, yes. But--er, _socially_, so to
speak,--[_a pause_]--hardly. [_He climbs wearily into bed_] Almost I am
persuaded--
LUCIA
[_Sniffling_] You are longing for those awful women. You want them back.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Trying to convince himself of his own earnestness_] No, no. Really
not, I assure you. I feel like--like a man who has come out of a lion's
cage into a--
LUCIA
Into a what?
HELIOGABALUS
[_At a loss_] Into a--er--into--
LUCIA
[_Banally_] Into Paradise?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Quickly_] Well, surely not into Solomon's Paradise! [_Bitterly_] Har,
har!
LUCIA
Still, you miss them.
HELIOGABALUS
Of course I do. Wouldn't a man miss--well, whatever he has become
accustomed to? Wouldn't he miss his underdrawers?
LUCIA
There you go again!
HELIOGABALUS
What have I done _now_? Mentioned underdrawers! Well, if a man isn't to
mention his underdrawers to his wife, who _is_ he to talk about them
to? And if he doesn't talk about them in a bedroom, _where_ is he to
talk about them?
LUCIA
[_Primly_] Why talk about them at all?
HELIOGABALUS
Why? Simply because they _have_ to be talked about. [_With growing
irascibility_] Don't their buttons come off? Don't they get lost in
the wash? Don't they shrink? Don't they split up the back? Don't they
tickle?
LUCIA
Well, why didn't you let me know it?
HELIOGABALUS
Know what?
LUCIA
That their buttons were off, and--
HELIOGABALUS
But they are _not_ off. I was merely arguing. I used an illustration.
As we Christians say, I spoke in a parable.
LUCIA
I think you are exciting yourself for nothing. You are tired out. Why
don't you go to sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Wearily_] Yes, there seems to be nothing else to do. My trouble
_used_ to be that I didn't get sleep _enough_. But now--! [_He composes
himself heavily, and for a moment there is silence. He then tosses in
bed and fusses with the bed-clothes, muttering under his breath and
whining_] I've got a stomach-ache.
LUCIA
[_Raising herself and gazing at him_] Are you cold, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Bitterly_] Who'd care if I froze to death?... And why do you persist
in always calling me _Cæsar_? It's so darned stiff and unbedroomy. My
old wives used to call me pet names--like Helio and Gabby.
LUCIA
[_After a pause, archly_] Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[_He sits up quickly, and stares at her_] Say that again. Louder.
LUCIA
Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[_With a sigh_] You say it just as you might say, "Will you have
another plate of fish-soup?"
LUCIA
But _would_ you?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Meditatively_] Well, I dare say it might make me forget my
stomach-ache--if it was a real kiss. [_With elaborate manner_] Am I to
understand that you have an itch in that direction?
LUCIA
[_Taken aback_] Itch?
HELIOGABALUS
Pardon an old soldier, little moonstone. I should say an inclination,
an impulse--a prompting.
LUCIA
[_Getting out of bed_] Now I'll show you, Cæsar, that I do love you,
with a Christian love.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Somewhat at a loss_] Positively, darling, you alarm me.
[_She has got to_ HELIOGABALUS' _bed by now. She enters
the space between the two beds, and he sits up and takes her by the
waist_]
LUCIA
There!
[_She kisses him--but very formally and briefly_]
HELIOGABALUS
Ah!
LUCIA
Now, Cæsar, you _know_ I love you.
HELIOGABALUS
No; so far I merely suspect it. What is needed is corroboration. Now
for another, sweet icebox--and let it be a bit more easy and dreamy.
Let yourself go a bit. Don't hold your breath. Don't--forgive me,
little one--be so gol-darned Christian.
[_A long one, during which, his arms about her_, LUCIA _tries to
fight away from him. As they fall apart_ LUCIA _grasps the bed for
support_]
LUCIA
[_Her hands to her face_] Oh!
HELIOGABALUS
You may well say "Oh!" Many a woman lives and _dies_ without ever
getting _such_ a kiss.
LUCIA
[_Startled_] It took my breath.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Not without pride_] I dare say. [_Hospitably_] But aren't you chilly
out there? Why not come in?
LUCIA
[_Suddenly covering her face with her hands_] Oh, those other women!
Those awful women!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Patting her shoulder_] Forget them! I expunge them from the minutes!
I'll get rid of them--all of them!
[_At this_, PAULA, _who has been concealed under_ HELIOGABALUS'
_bed, suddenly pops out her head_. HELIOGABALUS _and_ LUCIA, _of
course, cannot see her. Her face mirrors the utmost indignation and
she strains her head to hear better_]
LUCIA
All of them? Even that fat old Paula?
HELIOGABALUS
Purge your mind of all concern, darling. I'll have Paula poisoned in
the morning. She has lived too long.
LUCIA
[_Horrified_] Oh, never! I won't have her poisoned.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, I'll marry her off to old Caius Macrinus--and ship them
both to Persia.
LUCIA
But the others?
HELIOGABALUS
I'll marry off the whole crowd to Caius. The old souse deserves it.
LUCIA
[_Insinuatingly_] Even that pretty one--that Dacia?
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, either marry her off [_weakening_] or send her home to her mama.
But enough of this. You'll catch your death of cold.
LUCIA
[_Without warmth, as if speaking to her father_] Is there room?
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, surely. [_He moves over and she climbs in_] Let me help you. [_He
gives her a hand and she crawls under the covers. He then puts his arm
around her, and they sit up together_] After all, confess that this
_is_ better than the farm over there. Now isn't it? When I crawl in
there I feel like a lost orphan. Do you remember how I mislaid you the
other night? I thought you had fallen out of bed, but there you were
all the while, eighteen feet away. And now--
[_Another kiss_]
LUCIA
Cæsar, you are so--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Puffing out his chest_] I thought you'd like it. But it really takes
me some time to get into form. Now tell me the truth: this is really
nicer than praying, isn't it?
LUCIA
[_Tremulously_] I'm afraid it is--sometimes.
HELIOGABALUS
_Afraid_ it is? What are you afraid of?
LUCIA
[_Relapsing into the Christian_] We are taught that--
HELIOGABALUS
Now there you go with that Christianity again! You are taught, are you?
Well, I'll teach you something easier to learn. I am the old professor!
Now to proceed with the lesson--
[_Another kiss. Toward its end there is a knock at the door._
HELIOGABALUS _draws back and glances over his shoulder, but quickly
resumes the buss. Another knock_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_In a sudden rage_] Say, what do they think this is? A farce? If it's
that old interrupting wheeze Rufinius again, off go both his legs! And
both ears! And maybe a bud or two of nose!
[LUCIA _in terror leaps from the bed and into her own bed. Another
knock at the door_]
LUCIA
You had better let him in. If it wasn't important, he surely wouldn't
risk his life.
HELIOGABALUS
[_Obviously impressed by the notion_] Maybe you are right. But let me
take at least one more shot at him as he comes in. I won't kill him.
All I want to do is to cripple him. [_Gets out of bed, but before he
can find a missile, there is yet another knock, this time very urgent,
and he gives it up_] Come in!
[_The door opens ever so little._ RUFINIUS _thrusts his
hand through the crack. When nothing strikes it, he follows with
his head, very warily. As he comes in_ PAULA _draws in her
head_]
RUFINIUS
Your Majesty's pardon! I ask pardon!
HELIOGABALUS
[_Severely_] Well, alarm clock?
RUFINIUS
A very important matter. [_He glances about him, his eyes alighting on_
LUCIA] For your Majesty's private ear. Perhaps it would be
better--
HELIOGABALUS
Let's hear it.
RUFINIUS
[_He comes closer_] I really think--
HELIOGABALUS
[_Testily_] Go on with your story, kill-joy.
[RUFINIUS _drops his voice so that his words are not audible. The
purport of the dialogue must be revealed by_ HELIOGABALUS' _answers
and exclamations. While it is elaborately going on, with the backs
of both turned to the bed_, PAULA _pokes out her head and listens
intently_. LUCIA, _sitting up in bed, also tries hard to hear, but
it is improbable that she catches more than an occasional word_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Aloud_] Make it short. I'm very busy. [RUFINIUS _whispers, and_
HELIOGABALUS _suddenly grows interested and somewhat alarmed_] What do
they want?... I thought they were all sound asleep over in the North
Wing.... She _isn't_? What! A riot--and Paula not in it? Then where
_is_ she?... Go find her. I know she's behind it.... And get the rest
to bed. Drunk or sober, get them to bed.... Tell them I absolutely
order it.
[_A noise outside, and a woman's scream_]
LUCIA
[_From the bed, in alarm_] What was that?
HELIOGABALUS
[_Over his shoulder, reassuringly_] Nothing, my dear. Stay in bed like
a nice girl.
LUCIA
[_Half out_] You are having some one killed!
HELIOGABALUS
Bosh! Stay in bed! [_To_ RUFINIUS] Get them back in the North
Wing, and post a guard at--
[_He is cut short by a terrific uproar outside. Women screaming. The
sound of a bugle. The clank of swords. Loud and prolonged military
orders. A man's voice_: "Let go!" _A woman's_: "Stick him in the
eye!"
[HELIOGABALUS _and_ RUFINIUS _turn toward the closed door and gape
at it dumbfounded, apparently disinclined to open it and face the
music. As they move toward it irresolutely_, PAULA _rolls from
under the bed, leaps to her feet, dashes between them, blows a loud
whistle, gets to the door, and throws it open_]
PAULA
Come in, girls! I am with you!
[_At this_, LUCIA, _still in bed, screams shrilly, and_
HELIOGABALUS _and_ RUFINIUS _fall back. As the
door swings open_ CÆLESTIS _bounds in with a Praetorian
guard dragging behind her. At sight of the imperial bed-chamber,
he is so far overcome that he lets go and rushes out again. In
the doorway, he collides with_ AQUILIA SEVERA, ANNIA
FAUSTINA _and_ ALINIA, _all in a great state of
excitement. They knock him over, and leap into the room, glaring
about them truculently_]
PAULA
[_Levelling a melodramatic forefinger at_ HELIOGABALUS] There he is! He
was plotting to poison all of us!
[_Obviously_, PAULA _strikes_ HELIOGABALUS _with a good deal of
terror. He backs away from her, and keeps a safe distance while
she declaims. She takes the centre of the stage at once, the other
wives grouped behind her. After her accusation there is a moment of
electric silence. She fixes_ HELIOGABALUS _with a glare_]
HELIOGABALUS
[_Weakly_] Oh, surely you exaggerate. I--
PAULA