entertainment so explicitly that on the arrival of the guests she need
have no other care than their pleasure. If she is nervous, or shows
constraint, it affects the ease of her guests. Upon the demeanor of
the hosts the success of the occasion largely depends. Much tact may
be shown in placing the right people together at the table. If one is
a great talker let the other be a good listener; if one is dogmatic
let the other be without positive views, and so on; for every one is
happiest when appearing well. The guests, too, have their obligations,
and in recognition of the compliment of being invited where the number
of guests is limited to very few, each one should exert himself to
be as agreeable as possible, a dull dinner or tea companion being a
misfortune. At a dinner there is time, not given at most other forms of
entertainment, for rational and sustained conversation, and this may be
turned to durance vile if one victimizes by his egotism or caprice the
person who without power of withdrawal is assigned to his society for
perhaps two hours or more. Also, if one finds himself neighbor to some
one he dislikes, it must not be allowed to interfere with the general
pleasure; and should such a situation occur, there is nothing to do
but to make the best of it. The discovery is sometimes made that an
unfriendly person is more agreeable than was supposed, and a pleasanter
relationship results.
A YOUNG GIRL’S SOCIAL LIFE.
Here is a pretty and instructive little sketch by Ruth Ashmore from her
new book on “Sidetalks with Girls,” in which she pictures the “Social
Life of a Girl.” She writes:
You are just beginning to go out; you are twenty years old, and you
would like, as is perfectly natural, not only to have the love of
women, but the genuine admiration of men. The admiration of all men is
not worth having. You believe that you are pleasant to look at, but
when you meet strangers you are abashed, the blood rushes to your face,
and you don’t know what to say. Now a little bit of that is due to
self-consciousness; more of it to inexperience. When a man is presented
to you you need not expect to enter into an easy conversation with him,
as does the woman of forty, but you can get your thoughts away from
yourself and answer him as intelligently as possible. Make up your
mind to be a little slow in your speech rather than to give a foolish
answer, and after you have resolved to do this you will not find it
difficult to overcome that silly giggle so peculiar to young women, and
which is very often the result of great nervousness, and an effort to
speak quickly.
Don’t be too perfectly certain about things. The positive girl who, the
very minute a stranger speaks to her, gives him an answer which she
announces is her opinion, and which she permits no one else to doubt,
is quite as undesirable as the girl who is afraid to say anything.
I think you will be most successful socially if you are willing to
learn, and if you never permit yourself, from false shame, to tell
an untruth and say you do know of things about which you are totally
ignorant. Experience has taught most social leaders that men like to
give information, consequently when a stranger has been presented to
you, and after the first ordinary commonplaces, asks, “Did you meet
the Spanish Princess?” answer yes or no, as the truth may be, and
supplement this by another question, “Did you? And what did you think
of her?”
It is not difficult in this world to attract, if one is young and
pleasing to look upon.
It may be taken as a general rule that no woman can retain her friends
who cannot control her temper. What she thinks may be right, but,
because it is so, no excuse can be found for her going into a long,
quarrelsome argument, raising her voice, and making her hostess and all
the other guests uncomfortable. Then people must know that, socially,
a girl is to be relied upon; that she is not going to bring the daily
worries of her life into the social atmosphere, but that she is certain
to bring her mite of agreeableness to add to all the other mites until
the perfection of enjoyment is achieved, and the pleasant side of
everybody is seen and enjoyed. The woman who wishes to keep her friends
must steer clear of vital subjects on which they may differ.
Be pleasant and agreeable to all who may be in your own social world.
To retain one’s friends one must also respect their social rights.
That girl shows wisdom, who, invited to a very elaborate affair and
feeling that she cannot afford even a simple suitable dress, refuses
the invitation rather than mortify the hostess by being out of tune
in the general harmony. One has achieved a great wisdom when one has
learned how to say “no” in the social world without giving offence. So
it should be with any games, or any affair involving late hours, or at
which she would meet undesirable people. The saying “no” is right, but
it must be said at the right time, that is, it must be said before the
temptation arises and before you would be forced to appear as rude. You
cannot accept an invitation and refuse to meet your hostess’ friends.
Once there, you are bound to be polite to them, though afterward you
need only recognize them very faintly, and gradually the recognition
may die away altogether. A form of declination for those invitations
which you are sure will place you either in disagreeable positions or
among people whom you do not care to meet, is this:
“_Miss Brown thanks Mrs. Charles
Jones for the kind invitation for Wednesday
evening, and regrets her inability to
accept it._”
At your own home have the parlor the prettiest and most comfortable
room in the house, but don’t be alone there—have some of the members
of the family with you. Arrange the parlor with a view of furnishing
subjects for conversation. Have whatever illustrated magazines or
papers you have in view, or any photographs of celebrities; have the
piano open and the music on it.
INNOCENT AND SINFUL PLEASURES.
It is frequently asked: “What pleasures or recreations may a young
man or woman share that are not objectionable.” There are a thousand
innocent pleasures within easy reach of all. Pleasures may be
classified as, (1) Recreative and helpful; (2) Harmless and enjoyable
but neither helpful nor otherwise; (3) Injurious for various reasons
and objectionable as being detrimental to spiritual growth and the
development of the finer qualities in either sex. To the latter
category belong gambling of all sorts, dancing, theatre-going,
flirtations and frivolous companionship, and all pleasures that merely
“kill time” and induce a temporary excitement. Objectionable pleasures
are never recreative—a term that implies healthful and upbuilding if
not uplifting qualities.
The greatest tonic, stimulant, and equalizer, writes Lyman B. Sperry,
is genuine pleasure. Contentment, satisfaction, joy, are remarkable
for their beneficial influence on mind and body. Occupations that are
inviting and pleasurable, whether they be called work or play, are
helpful to human development, longevity, and efficiency. Diversion,
recreation, pleasure, are demanded as an antidote to our feelings
of depression and fatigue, a stimulant to our courage, a basis for
satisfaction with life. All must have recreation and amusement in order
to thrive well, but in seeking them it is easy to find and to follow
those which, though apparently, and perhaps temporarily healthful,
are finally destructive of things good and satisfying. All amusements
which leave a sting, or feelings of surfeit or of regret, are either
essentially unhealthful (and therefore unjustifiable), or they are used
in such a way as, practically, to make them injurious. There are some
so-called amusements which are inevitably bad, and there are others
which are bad only when they are intemperately pursued. So much depends
upon the time, the manner, the amount, the associations, the tendencies
of various forms of activity called amusements, that it is impossible
to classify them rigidly as either commendable or objectionable. All
intelligent persons must admit that our lives should be conformed
to ways that are helpful to advancement in all that is really and
permanently good.
Amusements should secure _rest from irksome toil_ and conduce to
real recuperation. While they enable fatigued parts of the body to
rest, they should also bring into action other parts that need, for
the general good of the body, as well as for their own good, to be
called into exercise. Genuine and healthful amusements stimulate
mental emotion in such a way as to make one forget his burdens and
sorrows, they leave in the consciousness a sweet memory which spreads
its perfume over and through the succeeding period of toil, and even
into the toil of one’s neighbors. There should be no doubt about the
_effects_. Questionable amusements are usually injurious amusements.
Some really commendable forms may be in bad repute simply because they
are habitually in bad company, or possibly because of mere prejudice.
Each one should be intelligently examined as to its nature and
influence, and be accepted or rejected only after a fair judgment is
passed upon it.
Comparatively few persons lack opportunities for amusement, and with
many the great question is what _not_ to do. With so much to select
from, how shall we amuse ourselves? The answer is, _In any way we
please_—provided, first, that we can _afford_ it; second, that we find
practically that it furnishes the rest and recuperation we _need_ and
that without leaving a residuum of regret or of lessened self-respect;
third, that our indulgence does not interfere with the natural rights
of others, or prove a stumbling-block to them; and fourth, that it is
not of such a fascinating nature as to induce us to consume an undue
amount of time and energy. It requires a goodly stock of intelligence
and conscience to determine, each for himself, what amusements he shall
seek, and where, when, and how they shall be sought.
The man or the woman who, at the social party or at the family
fireside, plays any kind of a game _for stakes_, even though they
may be trifling, thereby kindles and fans a flame that in many cases
becomes unquenchable. The person thus tempted easily follows his
impulses, and rushes into anything that will either arouse or gratify
the love of excitement.
The _moral_ quality of most forms of amusement may be determined simply
by their _physical_ effects. So intimately related are mind and body,
so influential is the conscience over physical processes, that nothing
which the conscience condemns can be healthful and recuperative. And it
is equally true that every form of physical excess or of dissipation,
inevitably leaves mental recoils and moral stings.
One of the best men of the day, who has seen much of life and who has
studied many of its problems, says: “If an amusement sends you home
at night nervous, so that you cannot sleep, and you rise up in the
morning, not because you are slept out, but because your duties drag
you from your slumbers, you have been where you ought not to have been.
There are amusements that send a man, next day, to his work, yawning,
stupid, nauseated, and with blood-shot eyes; they are wrong amusements.
There are entertainments that give a man disgust with the drudgery of
life; with work-tools because they are not swords; with working aprons
because they are not princely robes; with domestic cattle because they
are not infuriated bulls of the arena. If anything sends you home
longing for a life of thrilling adventure, for love that takes poison
or shoots itself, for moonlight adventures and hair-breadth escapes,
you may depend upon it you are the sacrificed victim of unsanctified
pleasure. Our recreations are intended to build us up, and if they pull
us down, as to our moral or as to our physical strength, you may come
to the conclusion that they are obnoxious.”
Wise people judge all so-called amusements by their actual fruits; by
their immediate and their remote influence on the body, the mind, and
the soul. It is the part of wisdom to cheerfully avoid all that prove
to be dissipating to physical energy, or degrading to moral character;
and the highest wisdom as clearly dictates that we cheerfully engage in
those things which rest, refresh, and energize our God-given powers.
TREATMENT OF SERVANTS.
There is no surer sign of ill breeding and ill feeling than the rude
treatment of dependents. The obligation of civility to servants should
be inculcated especially upon the young American, who ought to learn
at the earliest period that the accidental relation of advantage of
position, which is ever alternating in a country free from prescriptive
right, gives no title to a haughty demeanor and a domineering conduct.
The recognition of the mutual obligation of master and man, and
mistress and maid, is a certain sign of the true gentleman and lady,
who will never exact from those temporarily placed in subjection to
them the civility they are unwilling to bestow. The “thank you,”
“please,” and other courteous expressions of a kindly consideration
of the obligation of the employer to the employed, will be freely
proffered by all who are fully conscious of their social duties
and willing to acknowledge them. Policy, as well as good breeding,
inculcates the necessity of gentle treatment and courteous behavior to
servants, who will seldom fail to respond with a more zealous service
and a readier obedience to exactions and commands rendered less harsh
and domineering by a soft word and a subdued mastery.
MANAGEMENT OF THE HANDS.
The management of the hands in company seems to embarrass young people
greatly. This comes from the false modesty which induces them to
suppose they are the observed of all observers. Let them think only
of themselves in due proportion of estimate with the vast multitude
of mankind, and frequent habitually the company of the refined, and
they will probably overcome much of their awkwardness, if they do not
acquire a large degree of grace.
POSING FOR EFFECT.
To attitudinize, with the view of producing an impressive effect
upon the beholder, seldom succeeds except with the rawest members of
society. When detected, as it always is by accomplished people of the
world, it creates, at first sight, a feeling of aversion which it is
not easy to eradicate. This _posing_ for effect is so old a trick, and
so easy of detection, that it is surprising any person who has reached
the years of discretion should attempt to play it. Yet how often do
we see it, in its various phases of the delicate young lady with the
languid air, the listless step, or _die-away_ posture!—the literary
young lady with the studiously neglected toilette, the carefully
exposed breadth of forehead, and the ever-present, but seldom read
book!—the abstemious young lady, who surreptitiously feeds on chops at
private lunch, and starves on a pea at the public dinner!—the humane
young lady, who pulls Tom’s ears and otherwise tortures brother and
sister in the nursery, and does her utmost to fall into convulsions
before company at sight of a dead fly!—the fastidious young lady,
who faints, should there be an audience to behold the scene, at the
sight of roast goose, but whose robust appetite vindicates itself
by devouring all that is left of the unclean animal when a private
opportunity will allow. We assure our young readers that such
affectations are not only absurd, for they are perfectly transparent,
but ill bred, as shams of all kinds essentially are.
WINKING AND DOZING IN PUBLIC.
Winking and all knowing glances had better be left to the horse
jockeys and the frequenters of the bar-rooms, billiard saloon, and
gambling-tables. It would seem hardly necessary to remind any one of
the indecorousness of sleeping in company, but it must be recollected
that the obligation is equally urgent upon all not to put people
to sleep. It is the duty of every one to be wakeful; it is equally
so to be as little somniferous in matter and manner as possible.
An illustration is given of the somnolency of Washington Irving,
who, according to the author, D’Israeli, was taken up bodily from a
dinner-table where he had fallen asleep, and did not awake until set
down in the midst of an evening party.
BEAUTIFYING THE HANDS.
Much can be done by care to beautify the fingers, upon the grace
of which depends greatly the beauty of the whole hand. The natural
tapering length of these can only be preserved by removing from them
all pinching manacles of kid and jewelry. Much of the beauty of the
finger depends upon the proper treatment of the nails. These, if cut
too close, deform the finger-ends and render them stubby. The upper
and free border of the nail should always be left projecting a line or
so beyond the extremity of the finger, and be pared only to a slight
curve, without encroaching too much on the angles. To preserve the half
moon, or what the anatomists call the _lunula_, which rises just above
the root of the nail, and is esteemed so great a beauty, care must be
taken to keep down the skin, which constantly tends to encroach upon
it. This should be done with a blunt ivory instrument, and the growth
gently pushed away, but never cut. By this means, also, the production
of the annoying “hang-nail” will be prevented. The habit of filing
or scraping the nails is fatal to their perfection, as it thickens
their substance and destroys their natural transparency. The ordinary
finger-brush should alone be used for cleaning and polishing the
nails. The ugly habit of biting the nails is fatal to their beauty.
They become excessively brittle in consequence, not being allowed time
to acquire their natural toughness, and, moreover, the ends of the
fingers, being unsupported, turn over, forming an ugly rim of hard
flesh, which will prevent the regular growth of the nail.
CAUSES OF DEFORMED FEET.
The tight shoe or boot, too narrowly toed, is exclusively responsible
for that painful affection, _ingrowth_ of the toe-nail. If treated in
time, it can be easily and simply cured. All that is necessary is to
scrape down the nail until it becomes quite thin, and then cut the
projecting edge of it in a semilunar form, with its concavity looking
outward from the foot. The nail of the great toe should always be thus
pared, care being taken not to clip the angles. This causes it to grow
toward the centre, and shrink from the tender flesh at the sides.
Chloroform now happily fulfills the service for the rendering of which
this awkward process was barely a pretext. Though the operation has
thus become painless to the insensible patient, it has lost none of its
horror to the spectator. The surgeon, grasping the toe, thrusts the
sharp-pointed blade of a pair of scissors under the nail as far as it
will go, and then, cutting it in two, tears out each half with a pair
of pincers from the quivering flesh in which it has been long imbedded.
No one, not even the slave of fashion, should submit to any form of the
boot or shoe other than the broad-toed, which is fortunately now in
vogue.
The foot, like the hand, is subject to the infirmity of excessive
perspiration. It is to be remedied by the same general and local
treatment. The habitual daily washing of the feet should be with cold
rather than with warm water, and a powder of starch or arrowroot,
which it would be well to perfume with bitter almonds, orris, or some
other no more intrusive odor, should be sprinkled in the inside of the
stocking.
CARE OF THE TEETH.
A wholesome condition of the teeth is not only essential to good looks,
but to daily comfort and permanent health. Chewing of the food, so
necessary to a good digestion, cannot be properly performed with weak
and diseased masticators, which are, in fact, the frequent cause of
dyspepsia and other affections of the stomach. Local diseases of the
most tormenting kind, such as neuralgia and the various painful face,
head, and earaches, and disorders of the eye, as well as the fatal
cancer and tedious ulcers of the tongue and lips, are often due to no
other cause than a decayed and ragged tooth.
AWKWARDNESS IN SITTING.
Many ladies, by not bending the knees, render their walk very
ungraceful. The posture, moreover, if too rigid, particularly in
sitting, has an exceedingly ugly look. Some folks are unable to sit on
a chair, though they have so many opportunities of learning how to do
it. While some never fairly get on a seat but to their own manifest
discomfort, and that of all who look upon their misery, poise and
balance themselves on the sharp edge, there are others who roll their
bodies up into heaps, as it were, and throw them with an audible bounce
deep into the receptacle, whatever it may be. Every one seating himself
should take his place deliberately, and so completely that he may feel
the full repose of the chair, which it is designed to give. The limbs,
once at rest, should be moved, if moved at all, as noiselessly as
possible; and all extraordinary actions, such as lifting, for example,
one leg high upon the other, and holding it there manacled by a grasp
of the hand, should be avoided. A person striding a chair, and grinding
his teeth, and thrumming his hands on the back, has by no means an
elegant look to the observer before or behind. This practice, which is
never becoming in any company, is simply indecent in that of women.
ABOUT BLUSHING.
Blushing, which, as a sign of modesty, may be commendable in the young,
especially of the female sex, is by no means always pleasing and worthy
of encouragement. When immoderate and inopportune, it becomes a social
nuisance. There is a false shame, which is the very reverse of true
modesty. The usual signs of the fictitious quality are shyness, with
the common accompaniments of frequent and ill-timed blushing, hesitancy
of speech, hanging of the head, downcast eyes, sidelong glances,
shambling and stumbling gait, restlessness of posture, and a general
air of voluntary shrinkage, if we may be allowed the term. This false
modesty is the result of a genuine vanity, which, overestimating self,
fancies it the object of universal attention. This naturally begets a
sensitiveness and an anxiety about personal appearance so great that
they embarrass the whole behavior; for these excessively vain persons,
fancying all eyes constantly upon them, would desire to make a figure
in society of which they are manifestly incapable. Of this they are the
first to become conscious, and their hopelessness of success is painted
in strong colors upon the face, and visibly impressed upon every limb
and feature. There are persons who live to an advanced life, and yet
retain this fault. It has often proved fatal to the social qualities
of some who have been otherwise singularly well adapted not only to
receive from society, but to bestow upon it, both distinction and
happiness.
STRAY HINTS.
ENJOY THE PRESENT HOUR.
There is an Eastern legend of a powerful genii, who promised a
beautiful maiden a gift of rare value if she would pass through a field
of corn and, without pausing, going backward, or wandering hither and
thither, select the largest and ripest ear,—the value of the gift to be
in proportion to the size and perfection of the ear she should choose.
She passed through the field, seeing a great many well worth gathering,
but always hoping to find a larger and more perfect one, she passed
them all by, when, coming to a part of the field where the stalks grew
more stunted, she disdained to take one from these, and so came through
to the other side without having selected any. This little fable is a
faithful picture of many lives, which are rejecting the good things in
their way and within their reach, for something before them for which
they vainly hope, but will never secure. On a dark night and in a
dangerous place, where the footing is insecure, a lantern in the hand
is worth a dozen stars. It is well to look beyond the present into the
future, and in the season of strength and prosperity, to make provision
for a time when misfortune and old age may overtake us. But this does
not mean that we should ignore the present altogether, nor that our
pleasures should consist solely in the anticipation of some future
prosperity or expected success.
MAKE HOME ATTRACTIVE.