HOW TO BEHAVE AND HOW TO AMUSE.
[Illustration]
A HANDY MANUAL OF
ETIQUETTE AND PARLOR GAMES.
IN TWO PARTS.
COMPILED BY
G. H. SANDISON.
—————
PUBLISHED BY
THE CHRISTIAN HERALD.
LOUIS KLOPSCH, Proprietor,
BIBLE HOUSE, NEW YORK.
———————————————
Copyright 1895,
BY LOUIS KLOPSCH.
———————————————
PRESS AND BINDERY OF
HISTORICAL PUBLISHING CO.,
PHILADELPHIA.
PREFACE.
ETIQUETTE has been tersely defined as “the art of doing the proper
thing in the proper way.” An acquaintance with the rules of etiquette
is of the greatest service to all who are brought into contact with
Society, and in these days few, if any, are wholly outside of the world
of social usage and convention.
In this little Manual, it is not intended to lay down, in the fullest
sense, rules for the guidance of the reader in all stations of social
life, but rather to furnish hints that may prove useful in dealing with
those social events that are of most frequent occurrence. The etiquette
of the parlor, the assembly chamber, the street, the social function,
is something all should know, since to be ignorant concerning such
matters is to class one’s self as uninformed on many things that go to
make up the sum total of everyday life, and to know and practice which
adds greatly to the pleasure of living. The well-bred man or woman is
always welcomed, whereas the person who has no acquaintance with even
the most ordinary social rules is quite differently regarded by the
majority of people.
Nor is there any reason why an acquaintance with social usages should
longer be confined, as in the past, to certain classes. The farmer’s
boy, the intelligent mechanic and the humblest clerk or artisan, in
these days of widely-diffused knowledge, may familiarize themselves
with the customs and observances of polite society to an extent that
will go far toward placing them on a level with those who would
otherwise be regarded as their superiors. Refined manners are the
boundary line between the ignorant and the cultured, and it is within
the power of all to aspire to belong to that class of men and women
whose presence is always agreeable, and who combine, in rare degree,
that charm of manners and morals which is always allied with true
nobility of character.
CONTENTS.
HOW TO BEHAVE. PART I.
PAGE
Anniversaries, Wedding 53
A Young Girl’s Social Life, 70
Address, Polite Terms of 68
Birthdays and Christenings, 57
Breakfast Parties, 37
Bowing and Salutation, 16
Behavior in Church, 66
Blushing, 82
Christenings and Birthdays, 57
Correspondence, Etiquette of 64
Church Weddings, 48
Cards (see Invitations), 46
Calls and Calling Cards, 18
Church, Behavior in 66
Conversation, Art of 89
Dinner Table, How to Set the 34
Dress, Men’s 23
Début, Young Lady’s 27
Dinner Parties, 30
Diners, Notes for 36
Dancing, 42
Dozing in Public, 78
Enjoy the Present Hour, 84
Faulty Social Training, 69
Feet, Causes of Deformed, 80
Gifts (see Wedding Gifts), 51
“High Teas,” 40
Home Weddings, 51
Hands, Beautifying the 79
Hands, Management of the 77
Hint, A Useful 92
Home Maxims, 87
Innocent and Sinful Pleasures, 73
Introductions, 15
Invitations, 46
Kettle-Drums, 39
Luncheons, 37, 39
Ladies’ Cards, 21
Make Home Attractive, 84
Men’s Dress, 23
Mock Modesty, 88
Monopolizing Talkers, 90
Mourning Etiquette, 59
Notes about Weddings, 54
Notes for Diners, 36
New Year’s Calls, 55
Private Weddings, 51
Posing for Effect, 78
Points on Being Well Dressed, 91
Servants, Treatment of 77
Sitting, Awkwardness in 81
Small Talk, when Timely 89
Stray Hints, 84
Style of Cards, 19
Sunny Temper, A 85
Superior Hostess, The 92
Suppers, 37
Tactful Hostesses, 70
Teas, 37
Teeth, Care of the 81
True Politeness, 87
Various Points on Deportment, 68
Value of Female Society to Man, 86
Weddings and Wedding Etiquette, 46
Wedding Breakfasts, 50
Wedding Gifts, 51
Wedding Anniversaries, 53
Wine Question, The 35
Winking in Public, 78
Young Lady’s Début, 27
Youth, Enjoy Your 91
HOW TO AMUSE. PART II.
All-around Story Game, 103
Anagrams, 270
Ant and Cricket, 132
Answers to Conundrums, 262
Art Exhibition, 213
A Trip to Paris, 291
Balancing a Pencil, 104
Beast, Bird or Fish? 123
Bouquet, 102
Bean Bags, 114
Boston, 119
Blind-Man’s Buff, 115
Children, Amusing the 141
Clumps, 131
Crambo, 96
Cross Questions, 98
Charades, 283
Counting Apple-seeds, 129
Consequences, 122
Conjuring Tricks with Coins, 220
Conundrums and Riddles, 249
Dancing Egg, 93
Divided Pear, 101
Doesn’t Like Peas, 293
Driving a Needle through a Cent, 107
French Rhymes, 99
Five Straw Puzzle, 99
Force of the Breath, 111
Funny Outlines, 296
Games of Arithmetic, 143
Going to Jerusalem, 114
Going Shopping, 126
Guessing Characters, 133
Guessing Eyes and Noses, 123
Globe, Rotation of the 138
Hanging Without a Cord, 139
Horse, 121
How, When and Where? 106
Hunting the Ring, 112
Hit or Miss, 126
I Love My Love, 107
Lighting the Candle, 130
Living Pictures, 155
Location, Game of 131
Logogriphs, 272
Magic Candle Extinguisher, 134
Magic Figures, 110
Mary’s Little Lamb, 295
Mirror, The Broken, 135
My Grandfather’s Trunk, 106
Magic Music, 113
Mesmerizing, 122
Miscellaneous Tricks, 233
Needles and Pins Made to Float, 124
Old Family Coach, 94
Optical Illusions, 173
Pictured Quotations, 97
Pin, a Wonderful, 137
Proverbs, 108
Problem in Gymnastics, 130
“Punch and Judy,” 201
Quotations, 95
Queer Candlestick, 116
Rebusses, 268
Rooster, 121
Rhymes, 98
Redeeming Forfeits, 131
Scorpion, 140
Shadows on the Wall, 125, 137
Spin the Plate, 129
Shadow Buff, 113
Spinning a Cent upon a Needle Point, 128
Sleight of Hand, 179
Three Matches, 126
Truth, 123
Throwing the Handkerchief, 115
The Tailless Donkey, 119
Tongue Twisters, 103
Tossing the Rings, 109
Water, Through the 139
What D’ye Buy, 289
“What, Sir! Me, Sir?” 121
Where is Your Letter Going? 100
What is Your Age? 120
Weighing a Letter with a Broomstick, 117
Wax-Works Gallery, 162
Word-making, 293
Young Folks’ Concert, 295
Zoetrope, a Parlor 135
HOW TO BEHAVE.
INTRODUCTIONS.
Ladies who are on a social equality are introduced to each other, and
so also are gentlemen. The latter, however, are always presented to
ladies.
When the difference between the parties is a debatable one, it is the
formal custom among many to say, “Mrs. A., this is Mrs. H.; Mrs. H.,
Mrs. A.”
Where a gentleman is presented to a lady by another gentleman,
permission must first be secured from the lady, and afterward the
presentation is made complimentary by this formula: “Mr. Mortimer
desires to be presented to Mrs. or Miss Fairfax.” Or if the individual
making the presentation desires the unknown parties to become
acquainted for his or her own personal reasons, this form can be used:
“This is Mr. Mortimer, Mrs. Fairfax. It gives me pleasure to present
him to you.” The married lady, if she be glad to know Mr. Mortimer,
says so frankly and thanks the presenting party, after which the latter
retires. The young lady expresses a polite recognition of the gentleman
presented, by bowing, smiling, and mentioning the name of the new
acquaintance as a response. The expressed gratification must come from
the gentleman, who will say some complimentary thing to her in regard
to the ceremony.
Hand shaking is not so common as it was formerly.
In introductions generally the younger is introduced to the elder,
except when a publicly admitted superiority exists. The unknown is
always presented to the famous. The single lady is introduced to the
married one, and the single gentleman to the married, other things
being equal.
A person must conduct himself or herself, while remaining in a house on
invitation, as if there were no more exalted society than that present.
To converse above the comprehension of others is an unpardonable
egotism, and to try to give the impression that superior surroundings
are the only ones with which you are familiar is evidence to the
contrary.
BOWING AND SALUTATIONS.
Bowing means recognition and nothing else, and it is the lady’s
prerogative to offer this, and the gentleman’s to accept it. Between
intimate friends it is immaterial which bows first, the gentleman or
lady. The lady may be distant or cordial in her salutation, and the
gentleman must be responsive to her manner, and claim no more attention
than she offers.
If a gentleman lifts his hat and stops after a lady has recognized him,
he may ask her permission to turn and accompany her for a little, or
even a long distance. Under no circumstances should he stand still in
the street to converse with her, or be offended if she excuse herself
and pass on.
At entertainments a gentleman who is a formal acquaintance waits for
the lady-guest to recognize his presence.
On entering a parlor to pay a visit, a gentleman should always carry
his hat, leaving overshoes, overcoat, and umbrella in the hall if it be
winter time. The lady rises to receive him, unless she is an invalid,
or aged, in which case she receives him seated. If she extends her hand
to him, he takes it, but does not remove his glove. He never offers his
hand first. If it be a brief call, and others are present, he seldom
seats himself, and takes leave very soon after another gentleman
enters, the lady not extending her hand a second time. Hand-shaking is
falling into disuse in ordinary visits.
A lady should never accompany a gentleman to the door of the
drawing-room, much less to the vestibule, unless she entertains a
special regard for him. She introduces him to no one, unless there be
some reason why this formality should take place; and he talks with her
other guests just as if he had met them before. No after recognition is
warranted between gentlemen, or between ladies. If the parties desire
to be presented to each other, the hostess should not refuse this
formality if asked to perform it.
There may be cases when a gentleman may lift his hat to a lady, even
though he cannot bow to her.
It not infrequently happens when gentlemen are driving, that they
cannot touch their hats because too closely occupied; but a cordial bow
satisfies under such circumstances. When riding in the saddle he may
lift his hat, or touch its rim with his whip. Etiquette permits either
style of greeting.
In passing a group of mourners at a door-way, where their dead is being
carried forth, or a funeral procession in a quiet street, a gentleman
should uncover his head.
A gentleman should always lift his hat when tendering a service,
however slight, to a strange lady. It may be the restoration of
handkerchief or fan, the receiving of her change, opening her umbrella
or any other courteous act. To say “Thank you!” is not now considered
necessary; it has ceased to be etiquette.
A gentleman will open a door for a strange lady, hold it open with one
hand and lift his hat with the other, while she passes through. He
always quickly offers her the precedence.
A gentleman who is walking in the street with a lady, touches his
hat, and bows to anyone she salutes in passing. This is done in
compliment to her acquaintance, who is most likely a stranger to him.
If accompanying her across a drawing-room, and she bows to a friend,
he inclines his head also but does not speak. He always raises his hat
when he begs a lady’s pardon for an inadvertence, whether he is known
to her or not.
CALLS AND CALLING CARDS.
It is a rule among the best people to call upon the stranger who is
in town. If the visitor brings letters of introduction, an _entree_
to society is easy through the usually observed forms. If strangers
who have come to reside near us, or even to visit our locality, bear
credentials of respectability, courteous and hospitable residents
will call upon them, after sufficient time has elapsed for the
recently arrived to have adjusted themselves to their new positions.
No introduction is necessary in such a case. The resident ladies call
between two and five o’clock, send in their own with their husbands’
or their fathers’ or brothers’ cards, and if they find the strangers
disengaged, a brief and cordial interview ends the first visit. This
must be returned within a week, or a note of apology and explanation
for the omission is sent, and the return-visit is then paid later
on. If a card be sent in return for this visit, or is left in person
without an effort to see the parties who have made the first visit, it
is understood that the strangers prefer solitude, or that there are
reasons why they cannot receive visitors.
A gentleman should not make a first call upon the ladies of the family
of a new-comer without an introduction or an invitation.
When should a lady call first on a new desirable acquaintance? She
should have met the new acquaintance, should have been properly
introduced, and should feel sure that her own acquaintance is desired.
The oldest resident, the one most prominent in society, should call
first. Good expedient for a first call is the sending out of cards, for
several days in the month, by a lady who wishes to begin her social
life in a new place. These may be accompanied by the card of some
well-known friend, or they may go out alone. If they bring visits or
cards in response, the beginner has started on her career with no loss
of self-respect. First calls should be returned within a week.
After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if the
hostess is at home. For other entertainments the lady can call by
proxy, or simply send her card. In sending to inquire for a person’s
health, cards may be sent with a courteous message. No first visit
should, however, be returned by card only.
Bachelors should leave cards on the master and mistress of the house,
and the young ladies. To turn down the corners of the card has become
almost obsolete, except, perhaps, where a lady wishes it understood
that she called in person. The plainer the card the better. A small,
thin card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script
and his address well engraved in the corner, is in good taste. A lady’s
card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented.
STYLE OF CARDS.
Ladies’ cards should be nearly square (about 2½ x 3 inches), of
smooth-finished card-board, medium weight, pearl-white in color, and
the engraving plain script.
A gentleman’s card is smaller and narrower, (about 1½ × 2¾ inches), of
heavier card-board, and the engraving larger and somewhat heavier.
If the surname is short, the full name may be engraved. If the names
are long, and the space does not admit of their full extension, the
initials of given names may be used. The former style is preferred,
when practicable. In the absence of any special title properly
accompanying the name—as “Rev.,” “Dr.,” “Col.,” etc.,—“Mr.” is always
prefixed. Good form requires this on an engraved card. If in any
emergency a man writes his own name on a card he does not prefix “Mr.”
Omit from visiting-cards all titles that signify transient offices,
or occupations not related to social life; using such titles only as
indicate a rank or profession that is for life; and which has become a
part of the man’s identity, or which is distinctly allied to his social
conditions. Thus: the rank of an officer in the army or the navy should
be indicated by title on his card. His personal card is engraved thus:
“General Green”—the title in full when only the surname is used; or,
“Gen. Winfield Green,” “Gen. W. S. Smith”—the title abbreviated when
the given names, or their initials, are used. Officers on the retired
list, and veteran officers of the late war who rose from the volunteer
ranks, retain their titles by courtesy. The official cards of political
officers and ambassadors, with the title and office of the man—with or
without his name—should be used only on official or State occasions,
and during the term of office.
Professional or business cards that bear ever so slight an
advertisement of occupations are not allowable. The three “learned”
professions, theology, medicine, and law, are equally “for life,”
and should appear on the card. On the other hand, the callings of
the clergyman and the physician respectively, are closely allied to
the social side of life, closely identified with the man himself.
Therefore “Rev.,” or “Dr.” may with propriety be considered as forming
an inseparable compound with the name. The title is an important
identifying mark, and its omission, by the clergyman, at least, is not
strictly dignified.
It is not good form to use merely honorary titles on visiting-cards.
In most cases, a man should lay aside all pretension to special office
or rank, and appear in society simply as “Mr. John Brown.” An engraved
address implies some permanency of location. Those who are liable to
frequent changes of address would better omit this addition to the
visiting-card, writing the address in any emergency that requires it.
No messages should be written on a man’s card, and no penciling is
allowed, except as above, to give (or correct) the address, or in the
case of “P. P. C.” cards, sent by post.
CARDS FOR LADIES.
A woman’s name should never appear on a visiting-card without either
“Mrs.” or “Miss” prefixed. The exception would be in the case of
women who have regularly graduated in theology or medicine. Such are
entitled, like their brothers, to prefix “Rev.” or “Dr.” to their names.
A married woman’s card is engraved with her husband’s name, with the
prefix “Mrs.” No matter how “titled” the husband may be, his titles do
not appear on his wife’s visiting-card. The wife of the President is
not “Mrs. President Washington,” but “Mrs. George Washington.”
A widow may, if she prefers, retain the card engraved during her
husband’s lifetime, unless by so doing she confuses her identity with
that of some other lady whose husband is still living. It is more
strictly correct for a widow to resume her own given name, and to have
her card so engraved. An unmarried woman’s card is engraved with her
full name, or the initials of given names, as she prefers, but always
with the prefix “Miss.” The address may be engraved or written in the
lower right corner.
If a society woman has a particular day for receiving calls, that
fact is announced in the lower left corner. If this is engraved, it
is understood to be a fixed custom; if written, it may be a transient
arrangement. If a weekly “at home” day is observed, the name of the
day is engraved, as “Tuesdays.” This means that during “calling
hours” on any Tuesday the hostess will be found at home. A holiday, a
birthday, a wedding anniversary, or other event in a friend’s life may
be remembered by sending a card, upon which is penciled “Greeting,”
“Congratulations,” “Best wishes,” or some similar expression. Such
cards may be sent alone, or may accompany gifts.
Any brief message may be penciled on a woman’s card, provided the
message is sufficiently personal to partake of the nature of a social
courtesy. But the card message should not be sent when courtesy
requires a note.
In strictly formal circles a young woman, during her first year in
society, pays no visits alone. She accompanies her mother or chaperon.
She has no separate card, but her name is engraved, or may be written,
beneath that of her mother (or chaperon) on a card employed for these
joint visits. After a year or so of social experience the young woman
has her separate card, subject to the general rules for ladies’ cards.
During the first year after marriage cards engraved thus: “Mr. and
Mrs. James Wills Gray,” may be used by the couple in paying calls, or
returning wedding civilities. Such cards are also used when jointly
sending presents at any time. For general visiting, after the first
year, husband and wife have separate cards.
Cards are to be left in person in the following cases: After a first
hospitality, whether accepted or not; calls of condolence, and
after-dinner calls by cards. In such cases, when personal card-leaving
is impossible, the card is sent by a private messenger, and an
explanation, or apology, sent by note. Cards of condolence may be sent
by mail by friends at a distance; but not by persons residing in the
near vicinity. In cases where personal card-leaving is not imperative,
cards may be sent either by messenger or by mail.
Social observance allows a man to delegate the distribution of
his visiting-cards to a near female relative, whenever it becomes
impracticable for him to attend to the matter personally. Only the
women of his own household, or a relative with whom he habitually pays
visits, can thus represent him by proxy.
MEN’S DRESS.
Good clothes are not alone sufficient to gain one admittance to the
better circles of society, but without them admittance is impossible.
When we go out into the world, it is not sufficient to do as others do,
we must also dress as others dress. The man is best dressed whose dress
attracts least attention. One’s dress must be seasonable, appropriate,
conform to the prevailing fashion, without going in the least beyond
it, and appear to be comfortable.
To dress well requires sense, taste and refinement. Dress is a safe
index of character, and few dress really well that would not be
considered persons of culture. The golden rule is to avoid extremes.
The man of sense and taste never wears anything that is “loud,” flashy,
or eccentric; he yields always to fashion, but is never a slave to it.
One good suit of clothes does more service than two cheap suits. The
low-priced suit never looks well, while the high-priced suit looks well
to the last, if kept clean and occasionally pressed into shape.
Linen is a test of good taste. Shirts should fit well and be of good
quality. Let your collars always be strictly within the fashion; cuffs
should be no larger than is necessary to admit of slipping the hand
through them when buttoned. Colored shirts may be worn traveling, in
the country, but most men of taste prefer white. The pattern of colored
shirts should be small and the color quiet. If the coat, trousers and
vest of business and morning suits are not made of the same cloth,
the coat and vest should be of the same goods, and darker than the
trousers. Men who cannot spend much money with tailors should always
select dark stuffs. A dark morning suit may be worn on many occasions
where the wearing of a light suit would be in bad taste.
Single-breasted overcoats, made with a “fly,” are most worn, and most
desirable. A man of taste always selects for his overcoats dark, quiet
colors. His boots and shoes are made long, broad in the sole and in the
shank, and with a big and only moderately high heel. Pinched toes are
an abomination. The shoe that does not look comfortable never looks
well. There are many women who wear shoes that distort the feet and are
most uncomfortable; such shoes, however, are rarely, if ever, seen on
the feet of well-bred ladies.
A man’s hat should be fashionable, and his jewelry should be good and
simple. False jewelry is vulgar. A watch, to be thoroughly in good
taste, should never be very large, nor very thick, nor elaborately
chased, nor should it have a hunting-case unless his business or
pleasure renders him liable to break a crystal, when he is out of the
easy reach of a jeweler to replace it. The watch chain should always
be small and the pattern plain. Indeed, the young man who wears a big
elaborate chain and attaches it in one of the lower button-holes of
his vest has made an egregious blunder. Watch chains that go around
the neck are no longer worn. The vest chain should be attached nearly
as high up as it will reach, in a button-hole. If a locket or seal
is worn, it should be very plain. A man’s ring should be on the
third finger of the left hand. All kinds of rings are worn by men
except cluster rings; they are worn by women only. Scarf-rings and
collar-buttons with settings are in doubtful taste. Diamond studs are
now very little worn by men of the better sort, and they never wear
them except with full evening dress. Three studs in a dress shirt are
to be preferred to one. Imitation diamonds are the extreme of vulgarity.
Nowadays, with few exceptions, men wear the hair very short, and the
exceptions are not found among men of taste. The most artistic and
becoming cut is that that trims the hair very short on the sides and
back of the head, and leaves it comparatively long on the top, for the
reason that a high head is always more pleasing than a low, broad one.
The “parting” should be high up—in the middle, if one chooses to put it
there. Pomatums and other inventions of the barbers are no longer used.
Most men look best with a full beard, if it is kept properly trimmed
and is well cared for. A man with a beard that reaches down over his
chest, or a moustache so long as to be in his way, is a disgusting
object to look on. If a man shaves a part of the face only, he should
shave that part that is most prominent. A man with a prominent chin and
thin cheeks should shave his chin and let his beard grow on the sides
of his face; on the other hand, a man with a retreating or a light chin
and full cheeks should shave his cheeks and let his beard grow on his
chin. In short, the beard should be so trimmed, if worn full, or so
cut, if only a part is worn, as to give regularity to the outline of
the face. Every man, no matter who he is, should learn to shave himself
quickly and well. Shaving should be as much a part of the regular
morning toilet as the brushing of the hair. Much depends on having a
good strap and knowing how to use it.
The finger nails should be kept moderately long, and be so cut that
they are a little more pointed than the upper ends of the nails are.
They should not be scraped, and in cutting, care should be taken not to
encroach too much on the angles.
Canes should be strong, plain, stiff, light and small. Very big canes
are in very bad taste, especially for young men.
A full-dress suit consists of a swallow-tailed coat, a low, white or
black single-breasted vest, black trousers, a white necktie, a stand-up
collar, a high black hat, and a pair of light kid gloves. This dress
should never be worn until evening, and never before the dinner hour. A
white necktie should not be worn except with a full-dress suit, save by
clergymen and a few elderly men who never wear any other color. Black
trousers should not be worn except with a dress coat, save at funerals.
A high hat should not be worn with a sack coat. A low hat should not be
worn with a long coat—a double-breasted frock, for example. Dark suits
are preferable for Sundays, especially in town, and light suits should
never be worn to church anywhere. Double-breasted frock coats should
always be black.
At small informal gatherings most men regard themselves as sufficiently
dressed when they wear black frock coats and dark trousers. At
public entertainments where ladies wear bonnets, the man who wears
a black frock coat, dark trousers, and light kid gloves is better
dressed—because more appropriately—than he that wears a full-dress suit.
No man who has any regard for the proprieties will ever appear at
table, even at home, whether there are strangers present or not, or
will show himself to any one with whom he is not on a familiar footing,
in his shirt-sleeves.
A YOUNG LADY’S DÉBUT.
Social custom, both here and in Europe, has fixed the time for a
girl’s formal introduction to society as between the ages of seventeen
and twenty. Abroad, the daughter’s début means much more than with
ourselves, and the launching of a clever and prepossessing young girl
into the fitful sea of social life is quite an important function.
The mother invites only suitable people to her house, where she may
present her daughter to them as a member of their circle. This act
conveys the information to the polite world that the young lady has
been graduated in all the accomplishments and knowledge necessary as
the equipment of a woman of society.
Just previous to her formal presentation or début, her mother and her
elder unmarried sisters—if any—pay visits, or at least leave their own
with their fathers’ and brothers’ cards, upon all acquaintances whom
they intend to invite to be present at the début. Engraved invitations
follow this formality, and they are issued about ten days previous to
the event. If they are sent by mail, an extra outer envelope incloses
all the invitations that are directed to one family. If delivered by
messenger, the outer wrap is no longer used. The mail has become as
suitable a method as any for conveying social messages. One envelope
is directed to Mr. and Mrs. A. If there are more daughters than one,
the address is, “Misses A.,” or, if preferred, “The Misses A.” Each son
receives a separate invitation; it is the custom. Replies are sent in
the names of the parties addressed on the envelopes. The invitation is
engraved in script, or, if crest or cipher be used, it may be placed
on the envelope, and is in form similar to that used for parties. Cards
have been used on which the special purpose of the party is stated,
with the name of the young lady who is to make her début engraved
upon them; but this is seldom done, and is not considered in the best
possible taste. The following is the formula if such a card is used:
MR. AND MRS. B. N. JONES
_request the pleasure of presenting their
eldest_ [or second, etc.,] _daughter_,
MISS ADA ANNA,
_to_
...............................................
_on Wednesday evening, April 11, at half-past
eight o’clock_.
No. 2002 Fifth Avenue.
A preferable method is simply to inclose the card of the young lady in
the envelope containing the invitation.
The reply is written and forwarded directly, and corresponds in style
to the invitation, in the following manner:
MR. AND MRS. E. DE PEYSTER
_accept with pleasure_
MR. AND MRS. B. N. JONES’
_kind invitation for Wednesday evening,
April 11th_.
No. 969 Irving Place. March 12th.
The young ladies use the same form, and commence their note with
“The Misses Jones,” or in whatever style the invitation is sent to
them. Young gentlemen follow the same custom. Intimate friends may
send flowers on the day of the young girl’s first appearance, if they
please; but it is not an inflexible custom.
The young lady stands at the left of the mother during the reception
of guests, and is presented to her elders and to ladies. Of course,
welcomes and brief congratulatory compliments are offered to her by
each guest, and then place is made for the presentation of others who
are arriving. When supper is announced, the brother or father escorts
the young lady to the table, and the mother follows, accompanied by
some honored gentleman guest. If the brother takes the young lady in,
the father leads the way with the eldest or most distinguished lady of
the party.
Visits of ceremony paid to the hostess following this entertainment
should include this young lady, but during her first season in society
she has no card of her own, and does not pay formal visits alone. If
she be the eldest unwed daughter, her name is engraved as Miss Jones,
beneath that of her mother. If she have elder sisters at home, her
name is engraved as Miss Ada Anna Jones. During this first season
she does not receive visits from gentlemen without a chaperon under
any circumstances. If her mother be unable to receive with her, she
politely declines a visit. After the first season, her own separate
card may be left, either alone or with those of other members of her
family. This formality past, she may be considered launched into the
world of social intercourse.
Young gentlemen on the other hand, enter society without formality,
and without much difficulty. A youth usually begins by endeavoring to
assist his mother at her entertainments, and by being an escort to his
sisters on informal evening visits among lady acquaintances where his
agreeable traits win him a future invitation.
DINNER PARTIES.
Next to a wedding, there is probably no social duty that taxes to a
larger extent the cleverness and originality of the mistress of a
modern household than a fashionable dinner. As a preliminary step to
such an event, she is careful to catalogue all the names of those
to whom she desires to extend the hospitalities of her house. From
all these she selects and groups those who will affect each other
pleasantly. The differences in social conditions often go far toward
deciding upon the groups, and the combinations of guests may be based
upon mental accomplishments, or family connection. In either case the
etiquette is the same.
To give a dinner in honor of some person, or “to meet” a particular
party, as the invitation should explain (provided the guest be not
well-known and famous), has an especial advantage in that it settles
who shall, and who need not, be present. This is a simple method of
disposing of our first difficulty when issuing invitations. In such
a case the card of invitation should be in the usual form with the
addition of an extra card as follows:
TO MEET
MR. ARTHUR MAYNE,
Of New Mexico.
thus intimating that the dinner is to be given in his honor. The
regular invitation should always be given in the name of the host or
hostess, thus:
MR. AND MRS. CLARENCE FITCH
_request the pleasure of_
......................................
_company at dinner,
on ..................................
at seven o’clock._
No. 94 Florida Avenue.
The custom of engraving the initials, R. S. V. P. (Answer, if you
please), on the lower left-hand corner is less followed than formerly.
Another and also quite proper form, when the dinner is given in honor
of some distinguished person, is to issue an invitation in this style:
MR. AND MRS. CLARENCE FITCH
_request the pleasure of_
MR. AND MRS. ROBERT HENDERSON’S
_company at dinner, on Tuesday,_
_January 12th, at seven o’clock, to meet the_
HON. MR. AND MRS. GREGORY.
No. 94 Florida Avenue.
The form used in writing an immediate reply is as follows:
MR. AND MRS. ROBERT HENDERSON
_accept with pleasure_
MR. AND MRS. CLARENCE FITCH’S
_invitation to dinner, at seven o’clock, Tuesday
evening, January 12._
If unable to come, the refusal should be worded in a manner expressive
of disappointment. The following is the popular style:
MR. AND MRS. ROBERT HENDERSON
_regret that a previous engagement_
[or illness, or an unfortunate event]
_prevents the acceptance of_
MR. AND MRS. CLARENCE FITCH’S
_invitation for Tuesday evening, January 12._
The answer, whether affirmative or negative, should be addressed to the
mistress of the house, and dispatched, if possible, within twenty-four
hours of the receipt of the invitation. Having accepted an invitation,
be punctual. “To be too late is a crime, and to be too early a
blunder.” You should not fail to arrive within a very few minutes after
the time named, say within five, or ten at most. Well-bred people, and
people that dine out frequently, make a point of arriving in good time.
It is not well, however, to arrive before the hour named. On entering
the drawing-room, go and pay your respects to the hostess, then to the
other members of the family, and finally to any acquaintances present.
Do not offer your hand either to hostess, host, or to any member of the
family; any offer to shake hands should come from them. On leaving,
offer your hand, if you choose, to those of your entertainers that
offered their hands to you when you arrived. But it is well to confine
your leave-taking to the hostess and host. Do not go the rounds and
take leave of the whole company individually; such a course is vulgar.
If you have a lady with you, do not enter the drawing-room arm in arm
nor side by side. The lady, or ladies will enter slightly in advance.
Gentlemen do not wear gloves at dinner-parties.
Dinner being announced, the hostess gives the signal to leave the
drawing-room. The host or the hostess choose partners for their guests.
Offer either arm to the lady. In entering at doors a gentleman takes
the lead, until reaching the dining-room, when he may let the lady pass
first. If there are steps, you may allow the lady to pass first, or you
may go a step or two in advance. If you go down side by side, give her
the side next the wall.
In the dining-room, assist the lady to be seated, and wait till the
other ladies are in place before taking your seat. The host remains
standing until all are seated. He also selects the places for his
guests.
Sit erect and close to the table. Unfold your napkin and spread it over
your lap, or over one knee, as you prefer. Before being served and
during the intervals between the courses, do not toy with the knives,
forks, or spoons, or with anything on the table. As soon as helped,
begin to eat, but not hastily. Do not wait till your neighbors are
served.
Dinners usually begin with a soup. This, you should sip from the side
of the spoon, without noise. Not only soup, but everything else eaten
with a spoon should be sipped from its side when practicable. The plate
should never be tilted to get the last teaspoonful. If the soup is too
hot, do not blow it, but wait till it cools. In eating it sit upright,
and do not rest your forearms on the table.
Fish is eaten with a bit of bread in the left hand and a fork in the
right. Neither soup nor fish is ever offered twice at a formal dinner.
As the fork is now used almost exclusively to convey all kinds of food
that have any consistency to the mouth, it is very desirable that one
should know how to use it properly. It should not be used in the left
hand with the tines pointing upward. Food conveyed to the mouth with
the fork in the left hand should be taken up either on the point of
the tines, or on their convex side. In the right hand, the fork may
be used with the tines pointing upward or downward, at will. It need
hardly be said that eating with the knife is a social offence not to be
overlooked.
Eat peas with a dessert spoon, and curry also. Asparagus may be handled
with the fingers of the left hand; also Saratoga potatoes and olives.
Green corn should be cut from the cob and then eaten with a fork.
Cheese is eaten with a fork, or is placed, with a knife, on bits of
bread and carried to the mouth with the thumb and finger. Pies and
_pâtés_, as a rule, are eaten with a fork only. Sometimes it may be
necessary to use a knife to divide the crust.
HOW TO SET THE DINNER TABLE.
There is no pleasanter sight than an artistically set dinner table
just before the guests are seated and the repast is served. To set
it is, indeed, an art of itself. It should first be covered with a
mat of double-faced cotton flannel wide enough to fall several inches
below the edge, all around. This greatly improves the appearance of
the table-cloth, which can be laid much more smoothly over this soft
foundation. Small table mats for the purpose of protecting the cloth
are not fashionable at present. The table-cloth should fall about half
way to the floor all around. For a square or extra wide table a large
floral centre-piece, either round or oblong, is usually chosen, with
endless varieties in its component arrangement. It may be low and flat,
like a floral mat, in the middle of the table, or may be lofty. Small
fringed napkins of different colors are used with a dessert of fruits.
Napkin rings are discarded by many hosts. Fancy doylies of fine linen
embroidered with silk are sometimes brought in with the finger-bowls;
but these are not for utility, the dinner napkin doing service,
while the embroidered doyly adds a dainty bit of effect to the table
decoration. Good quality of chinaware and artistic glassware are also
essential. Any ostentation in the use of plated ware is vulgar. But one
may take a pride and satisfaction in the possession of solid silver.
Every ambitious house-keeper will devise ways of securing, little by
little, if not all at once, a neat collection of solid spoons and forks.
After the floral decorations and possibly a centre-piece of pond lilies
or other flowers have been put in place, with fruits and bonbons to
balance the flowers, and here and there at convenient points cut glass
decanters of fresh sparkling water, the next step is the laying of the
covers. The courses in their order are soup, fish, entrees (served on
hot plates), roast (which is carved at the side table), and game (if
in season). The heavy courses end, the table is swept for crumbs and
dessert is brought in. Finger-bowls and doylies are brought in on the
dessert-plates. Each person at once removes the bowl and doyly to make
ready for whatever is to be put on the plate. Strong coffee is served
last of all, in small cups, fashion directing that _café noir_ or black
French coffee be used.
THE WINE QUESTION.
The wine question is one that disturbs many a dinner-giving family.
Shall wine be served or not, is a growing problem. Society has at last
reached the point where it is not considered a breach of good form to
serve a dinner without wine. Such a course is sanctioned by the example
of many high social leaders; and when it is the result of a temperance
principle it has the respect of every diner-out. No lady or gentleman
will find fault with the absence of wine at his host’s table. It is
good form for a host to serve or not serve wine, just as he chooses.
Apollinaris can be made to take the place of stronger waters, and no
embarrassment follow. The hostess who simply does not offer wine to any
guest under any circumstances, is using her influence effectively and
courageously in the cause of temperance and in support of Christian
principles.
NOTES FOR DINERS.
At a dinner served in courses, it is better, as a rule, not to take a
second supply of anything. It might delay the dinner.
Bread should be broken, not cut in small pieces. To butter a large
piece of bread and then bite it, as children do, is something the
well-bred never do.
In eating game or poultry do not touch the bones with your fingers.
Never gesticulate with your knife or fork in your hand, nor hold them
pointing upward, keep them down on your plate.
A gentleman wears a dress suit at dinner. A lady wears a handsome gown,
“dinner dress” being “full dress;” differing, however, from the evening
party or reception gown in the kind of fabrics used.
Gloves are removed by both ladies and gentlemen, after being seated at
the table, and they need not be replaced again during the evening.
Never load up your fork with food until you are ready to convey it to
your mouth.
Never send your knife and fork, or either of them, on your plate when
you send for a second supply. Do not hold them meanwhile in your hand,
but lay them down, with something under them—a piece of bread, for
example—to protect the table-cloth.
Don’t use a steel knife to cut fruit if there is a silver one.
Don’t hold your elbows out; keep them close to your sides.
When you eat fruit that has a pit or a skin that is not to be
swallowed, the pit and skin must be removed from the mouth with the
fingers of the left hand, or with a spoon or fork in the right.
Tea, coffee, chocolate, etc., are drunk from the cup and never from the
saucer. Never blow your tea or coffee; wait till it cools.
Don’t tip your chair, nor lounge back in it, nor hitch up your sleeves,
nor call “Waiter!” nor try to talk with a full mouth, nor masticate
so loudly that others can hear you, nor lay bones or bits of fruit
on the table-cloth, nor pick your teeth at table. If you must do the
last-mentioned, do it unobserved, if possible. Should you unfortunately
overturn or break anything, make no apology, but let your regret appear
in your face. Never fold your napkin where you are invited for one meal
only, but lay it loosely on the table. When the ladies withdraw from
the table, the gentlemen rise. Remain in the drawing-room at least half
an hour after dinner before bidding host and hostess good-by.
BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, TEAS AND SUPPERS.
These, and all similar entertainments of the “At Home” order, are much
less formal than the dinner event. The breakfast invitation should read
in the customary form, and at the right hand lower corner the words:
“Breakfast at ten o’clock,
March 15.”
This breakfast should not be elaborate, but dainty in its food and
appointments. The best of everything, prepared in the choicest of
styles, but nothing heavy, nor excessive in quantity, should be
prepared. Walking costumes are worn by both gentlemen and ladies, also
visiting-gloves, which are removed at table. The descent from the
dressing-room and greetings between the hostess and guest are just the
same as at a dinner-party.
Suppers are usually gentlemen parties; and from nine to ten o’clock
is the usual time for them to be served. There are game suppers, fish
suppers, and several other kinds of suppers, each one of which differs
in the appropriate supplies for the table. But the formalities of the
occasion, or, rather, the informalities, are all of the same kind. The
invitations may be made at interviews, by friendly notes, or by the
host’s visiting-card, with this, written upon it:
SUPPER AT TEN O’CLOCK,
_Thursday, September 16_.
If it is a fish supper, only little food except that which once lived
in the water is provided; salads and fruits, without a sweet dessert,
complete it, with the addition of coffee.
It was surely a gracious social benefactor who introduced the afternoon
reception which, between the hours of four and six, summons a host of
friends to cross one’s threshold and meet informally, over a social
cup of tea, each group giving place to others, none crowding, all at
ease, every one accorded a gracious welcome from the hostess, who thus
has tacitly placed each guest on her evening list for the season. The
afternoon reception is much the same, whether it be a tea merely, or a
musicale, or a literary occasion. Conversation and the chat of society,
the greeting of friends, the tea and its pleasant accessories, fill
a half-hour or so very pleasantly. When a musicale is given, it is
usually in honor of some favorite amateur, a pianist, singer or reader.
Under such conditions the invitation cards should be a little more
explicit, and may state “Music at 4,” or whatever the feature of the
reception or sociable may be. Tea is served in the same room, when
the guests are few, and in another room if the reception be crowded.
Usually a single table is set, with coffee or chocolate at one end,
and tea at the other, served by young ladies. To be invited to preside
at the coffee-urn, or tea-kettle, is accounted a high compliment. The
refreshments may be very thin slices of bread and butter, or wafers, or
similar trifles; but if the occasion approaches the nature of a formal
reception a more elaborate preparation is made, and bouillon, oysters,
salads, ice-cream and cakes, delicate rolls and bonbons may be offered.
LUNCHEONS.
These are not as popular here as abroad, and the informal lunch is not
yet fully appreciated in this country. In rural districts it is called
early dinner, or ladies’ dinner; in the city, when the gentlemen are
all down town, it becomes the elaborate ladies’ lunch. The invitations
to luncheon are similar to those of a tea or reception, but the affair
itself is even less formal. All the dishes should be light. Broiled
fish, broiled chicken, broiled ham, broiled steaks and chops, are
always satisfactory. The house-keeper living near the sea has an ample
store to choose from. The fresh fish, the roast clams, etc., take the
place of the deviled kidneys and broiled bones of the winter; but every
housewife should study the markets of her neighborhood.
THE KETTLE-DRUM.
This is simply a reception under another name, which is given to
signify that the entertainment is not so pretentious as a formal
reception. The name “kettle-drum” signifies to a metropolitan
resident, a light entertainment, with _demi-toilette_ for both ladies
and gentlemen. Sometimes a tiny drum is beaten at intervals in the
vicinity of the tea-table, where a lady of the household or a friend
presides. Sometimes a young lady, costumed prettily as a _vivandiere_
sits or stands by the tea-urn as its presiding genius; but these
picturesque additions to an ordinary afternoon reception are not to
be considered in the light of customs, but simply as pretty caprices,
calculated to give vivacity to the entertainment, which any lady may
adopt. Not a few leaders in society choose the “kettle-drum” because
they dislike general gatherings, or are too absorbed to assist in
entertaining evening guests. It is simply an “at home” in the daytime,
or a social _matinée_.
“HIGH TEAS.”