HOW AND WHY I FOUGHT WITH ONE GABBING DICK, A PEDDLER
"You won't be wantin' ever a broom, now?"
Starting up in no little amazement, I beheld a man who bore a bundle
of brooms upon his shoulder and a pack upon his back, while round his
neck dangled ribbands and laces of many colours and varieties; a
smallish, grizzled, plump man with an ill-natured face.
"You won't be wantin' ever a broom?" he repeated.
"No, thank you," I answered; "though indeed I should think it was
sufficiently obvious."
"Nor yet a mop?"
"No!"
"Why then, a belt? 'Ow about a fine, leather belt wi' a good steel
buckle made in Brummagem?"
"I couldn't buy anything of you if I wished," I explained, "because I
have no money."
"Eh--no money?" said the man, turning to spit into the road. "No
money--eh? Then wot about 'er, the Eve as you was a kissy-cuddlin'--"
"I was not!"
"Oh!" he exclaimed, "then if not, why not? Yah, ye can't gammon me!
She's a Eve, ain't she, an' all Eves loves a bit o' kissy-cuddly. An'
she looks a nice warm armful, so why not try? Better soon nor late!"
"What d' you mean?" I demanded, trembling with indignation.
"I mean as she's a Eve, an' all Eves loves a bit o' kissy-cuddly
an'--"
"That will do!" cried I, clenching my fists. "I've told you I can
purchase none of your wares, so pray have the goodness to cease your
importunities and go."
"Go?" said the Peddler. "An' why should I go? I ain't a-trespassin' on
your private property, am I? No, because 'tis a public 'ighway. Very
good! An' England's a free country, ain't it? It is! Very good again!
I ain't a-goin' to go until I wants to go; you can't make me go nor
nobody else. So 'ere I waits till your Eve comes back. An' why? 'Cause
if you ain't got no money--she 'as, I'll lay, an' I've ribbands an'
laces, rings an' garters as no Eve can say 'No' to. Besides, she looks
a fine gal as Eves go, an' there's enough o' the old Adam inside o' me
to--"
"Are you going?" I demanded.
"Not me!" he answered, turning to spit at a butterfly that hovered
near. "I'm a free-born Briton, I am, as scorns the furrin' yoke!"
Hereupon I rose, that is to say, I forced my unwilling body upon my
shaking legs and faced him.
"Then I must do my best to make you!" said I, with as much stern
resolution in voice and look as I could summon.
"What--you?" exclaimed the Peddler, regarding me with eye of scorn.
"You--eh?" he repeated. "Well, burn my neck, there's imperence for
ye!"
"Put up your hands!" said I.
"What--fight, is it?"
"It is!" said I. "Unless you prefer to depart immediately."
"Well, twist my innards!" exclaimed the Peddler, laying aside his
brooms. "The owdacious young willin'! Wants t' fight! An' 'im sich a
young whipper-snapper!"
He was a middle-aged man, squat of figure with short, plump legs, but
I thought him formidable enough and felt the old nauseating fear
growing upon me as I watched the determined manner in which he
prepared for the approaching combat. Having removed his pack and the
multifarious articles that draped his person, he took off his coat,
folded it neatly and laid it by, which done, he slowly rolled up his
shirt sleeves, eyeing me fiercely and scowling portentously the while.
Now as I watched him, my sweating palms tight-clenched, my jaws
hard-locked to prevent my teeth from chattering, the thought occurred
to me that the hurts I was about to endure and endeavour to inflict
should not only save Diana from evil, but might also prove to her (and
myself) if I were indeed possessed of that thing she called
'game-pluck.'
At this moment my opponent rapped himself soundly upon the chest and
nodded fiercely; quoth he:
"I'm a-goin' t' gi'e ye two more black heyes to start wi', and 'aving
draw'd your claret an' knocked out a tusk or so, I'll finish the job
by leatherin' ye wi' one o' my best leather belts wi' a fine, steel
buckle made in Brum--"
But here I launched myself at him and, forgetting all caution in my
trembling eagerness, beset the fellow with a wild hurly-burly of
random blows, one or two of which found their mark, judging by his
grunts; then his fist crashed into my ribs, driving me reeling back so
that I should have fallen but for the friendly tree. This steadied me
(in more senses than one) for in this moment I remembered Diana's
admonition, and, seeing him rush in to finish me, I stepped aside and
as his fist shot by my ear, I smote him flush upon the side of his
bristly chin; and lo, to my wonder and fearful joy, he spun round and
came violently to earth in a sitting posture! For a moment he sat
thus, staring wide-eyed at nothing in particular; then I stepped
forward and tendered him my hand.
"What now?" he gasped.
"Let me help you up!" I panted.
"Whaffor?" he demanded.
"That I may--knock you down again--as speedily as possible," I
answered.
"Not me!" he answered, feeling his chin in gentle, tentative fashion.
"I'm jolted sufficient an' the ground's danged 'ard 'ereabouts! An'
wot's more--why, burn my neck--it's Anna!" he broke off and pointed
with stubby finger. Turning about, I beheld Diana on the other side of
the hedge. And she was looking at me!
"Ha, well done, Peregrine!" she exclaimed; at which, and because of
the expression in her eyes, I felt again that strange sense of joyous
exhilaration which had thrilled me once before, insomuch that I felt
almost sorry the combat was ended so soon. Then, before I might aid
her, she was through the hedge and shaking my hand as a man might have
done.
"Lord love me!" ejaculated the Peddler, scrambling to his feet. "So
you've turned into a Eve at last, 'ave yer, Anna? You as couldn't
abide a man! An' 'ere you be in a nice little garden o' Eden along o'
your Adam, eh? Found yourself a lad at last for kissy-cuddly, eh? You
as was so prim! What'll folks say when I tell 'em?"
"That you'm a liar, Gabbing Dick, as big a liar as ever you was."
"When I tells folk as Anna's took up wi' a lad at last--an' 'im such a
whipper-snapper! When I tell 'em as 'ow you--"
"That's enough!" cried I passionately. "Take your things and go before
I endeavour to kill you--"
"Lord, Peregrine!" said Diana, viewing me in big-eyed wonder. "'T is
only Gabbing Dick, and he must talk dirt, but nobody minds."
"Well, I do, and if he doesn't depart immediately--"
"Depart's th' word!" nodded the Peddler, and taking up his pack he
adjusted it, shouldered his brooms and then paused to spit
thoughtfully. "What'll folk say when I tell 'em as I see you
kissy-cuddlin' a whipper-snapper--"
Clenching my fists I took a step towards him; saw him shrink away,
staring, not at me, but the knife in Diana's hand.
"Hop, Dick, hop!" said she, making the blade flash and glitter evilly,
whereupon the fellow, clutching his wares, made off with sudden
alacrity; but being at a distance he stopped and turned.
"I 'opes," he cried, "I do 'ope as your Adam tires o' ye an' leaves ye
despairin'--danged soon, an' that's for you, Anna! An' I 'opes as she
pokes out both your eyes for ye--both on 'em, mind--an' that's for
you, young whipper-snapper!"
Then he spat towards us, nodded, and hasted off along the road.
"And now, let's have dinner!" said Diana.
"Dinner?" I repeated, frowning after my late antagonist.
"Beef, Peregrine!"