to give the Fritzes a good start. I cant make out if were still at war
or if this is some kind of a handicap race. We traveled a week tho and
didnt see one of them. I guess we gave up after that cause theyve
let us lie around here four or five days. They call this the
Providence of Luxemburg. Im glad we didnt have to fight our way here.
Thanksgivin is over. You probably know that tho. I suppose we got a
lot to be thankful for but a fello gets a short memory when his brains
full of mud. As far as I can see the turkeys had the most to crow
about this year. It might have been St. Patricks day for all we saw of
them. We had stake an gravey an potatoes. The mess sargent said we
ought to be thankful it wasnt corn Willie. He could think up some
reason why we ought to be grateful to him if he fed us nails.
The people here wear wooden shoes an have big manure piles an no
shapes. Theyll scrub the inside of the house till its so clean you
could eat offen the floor. Only I never could see any advantage in
that cause nobody in his right mind would want to eat there. Then
theyll build a manure pile right under the front windo. That aint so
bad here as it would be home cause the only time they open the windos
is when they want to throw something out. Then they shut em quick sos
they wont let out any air. I bet the greatest hardship the German army
had was sleepin outdoors for four years.
[Illustration: "THE PEOPLE HERE WEAR WOODEN SHOES AN HAVE NO SHAPES"]
Angus says the Providence of Luxemburg is run by a Dutchess thats
young an good lookin. I guess she must be a foriner. Shes never been
married which shows shes got pretty good taste from all Ive seen
around here. There sure will be great opportunities over here for a
young fello after the war.
Well, Mable, I dont think well be over here long. Angus says this is
just a kind of a parade to show the Fritzes how good we are. Im glad
to hear your goin to a motor school. It certinly will be good when you
have a puncture not to have a bunch of wimmin hangin out of the tonno
askin you if you want some candy an should they get out.
as ever sick of the army
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
We crossed into the Fodderland yesterday. After scrappin about it for
four years nobody seemed to give a rap any more than if wed been
draggin in a load of hay. You remember how the papers used to say if
we ever drove the Fritzes back to Germany we could never get across
the border. Proper Gander, every word of it. They didnt even have a
fence around it.
We just crossed a little river no wider than Silver Creek an there we
was. No screamin wimmin, no stray shots out of attiks, no awtrocities.
Nobody even took the trouble to come out an hiss at us. It made
everybody feel pretty low I can tell you. The only ones that took any
interest at all was a bunch of kids in soldiers caps an stand up
collars like your father wears. They seemed to think we was goin to
show in their town an trotted along beside us to watch the big tent go
up.
Wed all been plannin for some time on committin a few good awtrocities
as soon as we got into Germany just to liven things up a bit.
As usual tho when the Captins runnin the party anything sporty is
ruled out. The only awtrocities hell let us commit is makin faces at
the Fritzes. The whole thing has been an awful disappointment. This
country aint no diferent from France or the one we just left. It aint
even colored diferent like it is on the map.
Theres a fello from Milwawke in our battery named Joe Bush. It
certinly helps to have somebody around that speaks German. Last night
Joe told me hed found a regular bed in one of the Fritz houses that
the oficers seemed to have missed. He traded me half of it for a
package of cigarets. Back to the hay barn for me tonite.
A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose to much. Its so high
you need a chair to get onto it. I guess youd need a coroner if you
ever rolled off it. When I first got up on it I couldnt make out where
the bed close was. Then I found there was two matdresses, one about
four feet thick an the other on top about a foot thick. Your supposed
to sleep between them like a sanwidge. The little matdress is built
so it just reaches from your neck to your ankles if you aint to tall.
You can get the idear by lyin down an puttin a sofa pillo over you.
Ether the Fritzes has awful tuff feet or there built like a pocket
drinkin cup. I tried rollin up like a dog till Joe caught onto it to.
[Illustration: "A GERMAN BED IS LIKE A LOAF OF BREAD THATS ROSE TO
MUCH"]
Well, Mable, in about an hour I felt like I was in the hot room of a
Turks bath. I dont see how the Germans is so fat if they sleep between
these things.
The young girl in a kimony on the cover of the Murad boxes gives you
an idear how you sleep on a German bed. I never knew why she looked so
discouraged before.
The old fello that owned the bed seemed kind of scared at first. I
guess he thought after we found what it was like we might commit a few
awtrocities just to put us to sleep.
We agreed to call off the awtrocities if hed leave his Frow cook us up
a mess of waffles toot sweet. Frow is what they call there wives,
Mable. I guess its short for Frowsie.
I got to start in forgettin my French now an begin on Dutch. I bet I
talk pigen Inglish when I get home. I dont have much trouble with
languiges tho. I can say quite a few things already like "Ya" and
"Nine" an "Vas iss." Thats all right if your Just out for a social
time but it aint any good in commershul life.
Its no use tellin you to rite I never get your letters.
yours disgustedly
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
We crossed the Rine day before yesterday. It was Friday the 13th but
the bridge held up in spite of it. The Rine didnt look like much to
me. Im not much of a judge of rivers tho. Its been rainin for three
days an it would take an awful lot of water in one place to make much
impreshun on me.
We all thought we was goin to a town by the name of Coblence. The Mess
sargent had told us everybody was to have a room to himself an that
most of the time when we wasnt at the movies wed be canoin up an down
the river. The armies got an idear tho that if you let a soldier get
near anything thats worth while hell take it to pieces an cart it
away. So they saved Coblence by goin around it.
That night we stuck the horses and guns in the front yard of a Chatto.
It looked more like Central Park to me. The fello that owned the place
was standin at the gate when we came in. He had on a green felt hat
with the edges curled up like a derby an a feather stuck in it. I
wouldnt have been surprised if hed started to yodel. I bet he was as
glad to see us as the meesels. A regiment of field artilery walkin
around your front yard aint no grass cultivator.
This isnt a bad place to lay over for a day tho. The town is built
round a big cliff. On top is the ruins of an old cassel. Some of the
town tried to clime up the side of the cliff an got stuck half way. In
the house where Im bilited the front door is where it ought to be an
the back door opens onto the street from the third floor. I can hear
your mother sayin, "Run up in the attik, Mable, an see who that is
knockin at the back door."
Theres a little stream runnin thru the town. Its very beautiful an
full of tin cans. The sides are all bricked up. The Fritzes would make
the trees grow square if they could. The hills go straight up all
around us. I dont know how the stream ever got in here or how were
goin to get out. It certinly is a useful place for artilery. About the
only thing you could shoot out of here would be a skyrocket.
They told us we was goin to have yesterday to ourselves. Then the last
minit they made us all take a bath. In the army they dont give you
credit for knowin how or when to take a bath. They have a corperal
there to show you. The one they had on the job yesterday must have
learned from a correspondence school.
You dont get into a bath here. You take it out of something an spread
it over you. This time theyd heated a big kettle of water in a wood
shed. You dipped out a pailful an put some of it over you an the
rest over your close. Just about the time youve got a good lather
worked up the corperal says "Come on. Hurry up an get your close on.
Your eight minits is up." Ford ought to get hold of that fello. Hed
have them poppin out of the factory like corn out of a roaster.
I didnt get a bath, but I didnt need one. Me an Angus both took one
the day after the armistice was signed. There aint nothin thatll keep
a man fit like keepin clean as the poets say.
Everyones sore at these Dutchmen. They havnt got as much spirit as a
bottle of near beer. All they do is take off there hats to us like we
was a bunch of ladies an say "Tag." I thought first they was sayin
"Dog." I went to the Captin an ast him if I could clean up with the
next fello that said it.
[Illustration: "THEY TAKE OFF THERE HATS TO US"]
The Captin said Tag was just Fritz for Howdy. Then I ast him if I
could clean up half a dozen of them anyway just to get them started on
the right lines. He says "Smith, if you try any of your back alley
sanitashun around here youll be cleanin up around the gard house as
quick as we get one." He thinks hes awful funny. Thats the way it
goes, tho, Mable. One day your a quitter if you dont throw everything
but the kitchin stove at a fello and the next day they want you to
kiss him.
Im sendin you a lot of post cards I paid eighty two fennigs for. I
dont know wether that was a bargin or a fortune. I never seen any
places like these but they give you a good idear of the country. I got
to quit now cause there linin up for mess. If I ever get out of this
army I wont stand in line agen if they was handin out five dollar
bills. If you want to go to the movies with me you got to go early an
avoid the rush.
Tell Archie Wainwright I wish him a merry Crismus cause its liable to
be his last. His only chance for a happy New Year is if the war breaks
out agen.
Until it does yours
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
Weve quit hikin at last. Not because we get anyplace tho. Why they
stopped here when there is a road goin right thru is more than I can
figger. Theres about fifty houses in this place. I guess most of them
was built as soon as the flood was dried out enuff sos they could lay
the foundashuns. I havnt seen a new house since I been in Germany. A
place that wed be puttin bronze tablets on they think has just been
built.
They seem to be short on everything over here. From what I seen they
live mostly on potadoes. The only thing they get enuff of is mud. Our
guns is parked in a field an if we stay here much longer well have to
blast to get them out.
The Captin says the rules on letter ritin is off an we can say where
we are. The only thing we cant do is criticize the army. I dont know
where we are an I couldnt spell it anyhow so theres not much to rite
about.
We sleep in rooms now insted of barns. The Dutch dont seem to care
much. I can hear your mother if four tramps came walkin into her front
parlor an went to sleep on the floor. The old fello that owns the room
thinks were crazy because we have to open our windos every night. He
told Joe Bush there wasnt any use makin a fire for us cause when he
spent the whole evenin gettin the room full of heat wed open the windo
an let it all out. When we first got into that room I guess it had the
original heat his granfather put in it.
Crismus is only a few days away. I suppose theyll let us sleep half an
hour extra for a Crismus present an then forget to tell the buglers
like they did last year. About all it amounted to was standin around
in the rain half an hour longer for mess.
I havnt had my feet under a table now in four months. Theyve gotten so
big since I been wearin these army shoes that I dont know if theyll go
under any more. When I get home Ill probably pile my whole dinner in a
soup plate an take it out in the back yard.
All feelin aside, Mable, it certinly will be good to get my food
seperated agen. These fellos would pour your coffee over your dinner
if there was any room. When you come up to the kitchin the first K.P.
sticks a piece of meat in the bottom of your mess kit. Thats a sort of
a foundashun. Then a spoonful of loose potadoes hit it like a soft
nose bullet an thats the last you see of your meat. The next fello
covers that with a quart of gravy an sticks a pickle in the top with
his thum like inlaid work. The last one levels it off with a piece of
bread slammed on like a cover. Angus says its a wise man that knows
his own dinner unless hes got a good memory.
[Illustration: "LEVELS IT OFF WITH A PIECE OF BREAD"]
Ive learned to put down an awful lot of food, tho, in less time than
it takes to chew it. You got to be fast if you want any seconds. Some
of these fellos must store up there food like squirrels cause there
finished an back in the line before its moved ten places. Theres
always some smart alex that washes up his mess kit an pretends hes
just come up from the picket line. We got a mess sargent tho that
makes Shylock Homes look like a night watchman. He could tell
yesterdays greece from todays if you scoured your mess kit with
sandpaper.
The Fritzes are more balled up on there money than the French. These
fellos dont even know what the stuffs worth themselves. They have two
kinds of money, fennigs an marks. I dont know wether marks make
fennigs or fennigs make marks. I know they both make me tired. Its
about as easy to buy anything here as it is to check up a Chinese
lawndry bill. They tell you the price of a thing in fennigs an marks.
Then you got to figger that into franks an figger what its all worth
in United States. Just to give your mind a little exercise fennigs an
marks aint the same more than five minites. Everybody has there own
idear of what there worth an the fello thats doin the sellin never has
the same idear that you have.
The first time I bought a glass of beer in Germany it took me so long
to pay for it I almost got arrested for bein out after taps. We never
did decide the thing. The reason none of these fellos over here never
get spiffed is because they make you pay after every drink. Youd be
more likely to die of thirst.
I havnt received no Crismus box yet. Im glad you an your mother did as
I told you an didnt pay any atenshun to those slips I sent you for
curiosities. If thered been any chance of sendin you anything Id have
done it. You dont want to feel bad about that tho, cause this idear of
looking at Crismus like a horse swap is all wrong. I certinly hope you
have a merry Crismus. Youll probably get this letter sometime in
August.
Yours optimistically
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
Another Crismus an New Years has gone by. I wonder where theyll pick
out for me to spend my next one. I wish I could get hold of a geografy
an see what places are left. One of these days I may be able to get a
furlo for Crismus if we happen to be fightin some country right near
home. Then I can tell you how all the different nashuns spend there
holidays.
I knew thered be some string on sleepin late Crismus mornin. The day
before there was a couple of fellos late to revelry. They were fellos
whod never done any work anyway so I couldnt see how it mattered much.
The Captin said hed been plannin on lettin us sleep till seven o'clock
Crismus but if we couldnt learn to make revelry wed have to keep on
practisin gettin up at six. It seems to me if a fello dont know how to
do that now he never will. If I get up at six the first Crismus I
spend home itll be six in the evening you can bet.
Crismus mornin they lined us all up an gave each fello a little box
marked "Greetins from the Folks at Home." Only they didnt say whose
folks. Inside there was some tobacco an cigarets an chockolate an the
like. Angus thinks theres something foney about it somewhere. He says
like as not theyll take it out of our next pay roll or our A Lot
Meants. Angus would think you had some axe to grind if you pulled
him out of a burnin buildin.
[Illustration: "THEY LINED US ALL UP"]
We didnt have nothin to do Crismus but take care of the horses an "the
usual policin." That left me with almost an hour in the middle of the
day without anything to do. I was goin to rite you a letter but I felt
kind of drowsy. Ever since I been in the army Ive said that my first
duty was to keep fit so I went to sleep insted. Patriotic. Thats me
all over, Mable.
The reasen I got a chance to rite this letter is because some horse
stepped on my foot the other day an I cant walk. It wasnt any
accident. That horse an me never got along. Hes been layin for me ever
since I brushed his teeth with a curry brush. The more I see of horses
the more I want to meet the fello that wrote Black Buty. He must have
learned about horses in a carpenter shop. Im goin to rite a book about
them when I get home that will put the S.P.C.A. out of business. I got
to stop ritin now an answer sick call with my foot. Yesterday they
gave me some pills. I suppose today theyll look at my tongue an tell
me its my stummick thats out of order.
Well, Mable, I havnt had so much as a pictur post card from you in two
weeks. I hope that fello Archie Wainwright aint botherin you agen
cause our hospittles is crowded enuff now. Im still a gentleman but if
I ever catch him moldin your hammick around his figger--well, Mable,
Id talk it over with him cause I seen enuff blood shed already.
yours doubtfully till I hear
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
I got the first real news for you Ive had since I joined the army.
Were comin home toot sweet. Theres an outfit on its way up here now to
relieve us. It certinly will relieve me. Just a couple of weeks longer
an then no more square heads, no more flannel bandages around my legs,
no more engins without cowcatchers. It wont seem right at first. I
expect Ill feel like I was A.W.O.L. an run around the corner every
time I see a policeman. Theres one man they neednt be afraid of ever
startin any more wars an his names Smith. If I ever have a son an he
so much as starts off with his left foot hes goin to have the worst
lickin you ever heard of.
A General inspected us today. I cant help feelin sorry for his wife.
She must spend most of her time lookin for a new hired girl. If he
ever said anything nice to anybody I bet hed come back an apologize.
Hes the kind of a fello that eats his own young.
Everybody knew the General wasnt comin over to hang no wreaths around
nobodies neck. So we all slicked up pretty well to humor him.
Everything would have gone off as well as you could have expected if
it hadnt been for that horse. A jokes all right in its place but its
place aint under a General. The horse was so big that the General like
to have bust gettin up. As soon as he got set the horse took a couple
of steps. Then he sat down in the mud like a dog an let out a groan.
Of course it was all off then. By the time hed coaxed that horse up to
the battery he was so sore hed have found rust on the perly gates an
put Saint Peter under arrest for not bein shaved.
When he got around to my seckshun I thought he was about due to be out
of breath. I had a little rip in my pants that I hadnt had time to sew
up. Nothing anybodied notice. Just my knee stickin thru. That fello
could see a hole in your undershirt tho. When he came up to me he
looked me over like I was a windo dummy that he didnt care much about.
Then he says to the Captin "What do you mean by lettin a man stand
inspeckshun like that?"
The Captin looked at me surprised like hed never seen me before. Then
he turns to the sargent an says "Sargent, I want a report on why was
that man permitted to stand inspeckshun in that condishun." They all
talk as if they were doin me a favor by lettin me stand inspeckshun.
Ill tell the world I didnt go around an ask nobodies permishun.
The sargent looked at my pants kind of hurt like I hadnt ast for a
new pair thirty seven times. After the General had put the whole
battery under arrest an rode away to get some raw meat he sighed like
a fello that everybodies agenst. Then he turns to the corperal an says
"What the this an that do you mean by gettin me in Dutch, you big
space filler?"
So the corperal stuck me on detail manacurin the streets for a couple
of days. About all there is left for me is to go around an kick a few
horses in the stummick after dark.
The funny part about it is that everybody knew there hadnt been no
pants ishued since we got here. Half the fellos in the battery is
comin thru in places the General couldnt see because he was mounted.
That dont make no difference. A fellos knees aint got no rights in
this mans army. I wish I was a Lady from Hell an I wouldnt have to
bother about pants. Thats tecknickle, Mable. I dont guess youll get
it.
They call this passin the buck. In the army they got it fixed up so
that nothin aint ever nobodies fault. Its always on the next fello
down. That works out pretty good unless you happen to be on the bottom
step like me. I dont know why they call it passin the buck. I never
saw it pass him yet.
Your Crismus box came yesterday. It sure was good of you to send it
after all I said. At least a good part of it came considerin one end
of the box was gone. There was enuff left to give me an idear of what
had been in it. The only reason that any of it got here was because
theyd set so many things on top of it that some of the stuff got kind
of baled an stuck to the insides.
The thing that struck us most was the size of the box. Whoever got
that up must have thought that the folks at home was goin to send us
jewelrey for Crismus. I didnt care cause I knew it wasnt your falt.
Joe took it kind of hard tho cause he forgot to send any slips home an
he was kind of countin on me.
I got six letters from you all at once a couple of days ago. You must
carry them around in your pocket a week or two like I do when anybody
gives me a bunch to mail. I didnt care about anything tho when I read
that Archie Wainwright had gone an married that little snub nosed
thing across the street. I guess he must have been tipped off that
nobodied given him the freedom of the city. Some reason or other tho I
feel madder at him than I did before. I guess theres got to be a
casulty when I get home anyway.
[Illustration: "THAT LITTLE SNUB NOSED THING ACROSS THE STREET"]
I aint goin to rite any more cause the sargent ast me to help him out
this afternoon cleanin the guns. I dont like to leave him to do it all
alone when were so near the finish. Tell the good news to your father
an mother.
Yours on the home stretch
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
Here I am ritin you at the govermints expense for the last time. Were
in the same place where we first rested almost a year ago. It hasnt
changed much except theyve gotten in more mud an tents since then an
there aint so many boats to unpack.
Weve turned in our Soizant Canses to some monument factory. Weve said
good by to our horses for ever. The last thing one of them did was to
try an kick me as I went past. Thats there idea of gratitude. Now we
got less to do than the doboys cause we havnt even got rifles to
clean. This is the last letter youll ever get from me in France. If I
have my say about it its the last letter youll ever get from me
anywhere. I never want to get out of telefone range agen. Our boat is
all ready. This will probably travel over on the same boat with me. I
wanted to rite you from the A.E.F. for the last time. An by the way,
Mable, that dont mean Am Expectin Flowers but Am Extremely Fortunate.
There aint much to say just like there aint much to do. I feel awful
funny. I cant exactly explain it. Of course I want to go home. Thats
all Ive wanted to do since November. At the same time I feel kind of
sad like you do when your comin back to work from your summer
vacashun. We been in the old army so long, an weve done the same
things an cussed at them so many times, that you get sort of fond of
the whole business just like you do any job that takes an awful long
time an a lot of hard work to finish, but that youve finished. I guess
you could get sentimental about piece work in a factory--after youd
quit.
I never thought when I sat here in the mud last May an rote you how Id
escaped from the pearls of the sea, as the poets say, that Id ever sit
here agen an rite you that I was comin home. I never menshuned this of
course for fear it would worry you. Now that its all over tho its all
right to talk about it. It wasnt that I was scared cause I guess you
know that I was never scared of nothin. Nerveless. Thats me all over,
Mable. But I used to think of how hard youd take it when you saw it in
the papers, an how people would come an look at your house an shake
there heads an walk away. Some of them would pull out a lace
hankercheff out of there neck or sleeve or wherever you carry those
things. Theyd touch up there eyes a bit an say "I knew him well,"
wether they did or not.
You know, Mable, that once or twice when I get lyin awake at night
thinkin about all that stuff I came pretty near cryin myself it struck
me as so sad. The one I liked to think of best tho was the minister
sayin a few butiful words about me Sunday. All the people was turnin
around to look at you. You were cryin quiet like an your mother was
tryin to keep the tears from spottin the red Moroko himnal.