over on my back for fear of makin a noise an I didnt dare stay on my
face for fear of somebody makin a pincushun out of me while I wasnt
lookin. I was tryin to think out some way of not doin ether when the
queerest noise you ever heard started on the other side of the bush.
It was like water comin back into a facet after its been shut off for
a while. I could feel my tin derby pull right up offen my head. The
noise kept gettin loud an ended up with a sneeze. You couldnt have
lifted me higher with a shell. I never was gladder tho to hear a
sneeze cause I knew who that belonged to. I could have told it
blindfolded in a milyun.
I was so glad to find Angus I forgot he didnt know I was there an ran
around the bush. He was lying in a bunch of briars all red in the face
from trying to hold in. When he heard me comin he threw up both hands.
Then when he saw who it was he tried to make out he was stretchin.
Angus said hed been crawlin around the woods tryin to find somebody
till he saw me duck behind a bush. Hed been layin there ever since
tryin to decide wether to shoot me an take a chance on missin or lay
there till I died a natshural death. It was easy to see tho that we
wouldnt win anything but a wooden cross hangin round there so we
walked thru the woods till we ran into about twenty doboys. One of
them said they was after a machine gun nest that was holdin things up.
Even that was better than snoopin around alone an we followed along
like a couple of dogs after a parade.
Well, Mable, the doboys is ether awful brave or awful stupid. They
might have been after birds nests the way they went at it. Nobody but
me seemed to figger that we might be comin up in front of that
machine gun insted of behind it. It was just beginnin to strike me
that this didnt have much to do with an artilery runner when a couple
of the doboys off to one side began throwin hand grenades. I heard a
lot of cussin an when we got up there was five Fritzes standin in a
pit with a machine gun. There hands was up in the air except for a
couple that didnt count.
It was the first time Id seen them doin any real soldierin. An do you
know, Mable, there wasnt a woman among em. They wasnt even chained to
there guns. Theres something wrong with this war or else the styles
are changin.
One of the doboys took them back. They were a pretty poor lot an didnt
have anything worth while with them. The doboys seemed to have some
idear where they were goin so we stuck along. They went down in a few
dug outs. In one of them we found six Fritzes an four looger pistels.
That made everybody feel pretty good except the fellos that was left
out. They voted solid it was a rotten show. The machine guns was off
more to one side now but it seemed like they was throwin a lot of
shells around without much regard to where we was.
We came out on a road an ran into a doboy Captin an two or three men.
Havin nothin better to do we followed him. He turned up a little
railroad track like the one that used to run around the county fair
for a dime. It twisted along thru the woods without seemin to come out
much of anyplace. Then we came round a bend an about fifty yards away
was a gang of Fritzes stokin shells into four whoppin big guns as fast
as they could fire them out.
The next thing I knew I was runnin down that little track behind the
Captin. Quite a ways behind, Mable. Everybody was cussin like a
mule-skinner. Angus was sayin things in Skotch I bet hed hate to have
rote down as his last words. But the Fritzes didnt seem to have no
idear of makin them that. They stopped for one look an dove in the
bushes like a bunch of rabbits. All except a few that was to scared to
run. They just stood an gobbled at us.
It seemed to me wed done something worth sittin around an havin a
postmortem about. But the Captin just rote the name of his company on
one of the guns with a piece of chalk. Then he lit his pipe an started
off down the track agen. We came out on a road after a while an there
was the Major an a whole lot of doboys. The doboys was sittin on the
railroad track, smokin cigarets an watchin the shells bust in the
woods all around them like they was at a baseball game. A squad of
Fritzes was puttin a few of our doboys on stretchers an carryin them
off down the road.
Well, Mable, there aint much more to tell. The Major sent me over to a
tin house where the Lootenant was. I found him dryin off by an old
Fritz stove an eatin somebodies Irun Rashuns. I never could find out
when the battle was offishully over. There was machine guns poppin
away all the afternoon but nobody seemed to be botherin much about
them. I guess they just got sick of it an quit. Anyway they were gone
by night.
Now were lyin around takin it easy. We fire at the Fritzes all day an
they fire back at us. They havnt interfered with my meals yet tho so
let them go to it. Every dug out has been turned inside out. I guess
the Fritzes dont get charged for losin equipment like we do. From the
amount of stuff we found they must get pretty near undressed before
they run away.
Ive just been figgerin up the total victory with Angus. We got five
loogers, two pair of feel glasses (one broke), a gold watch that can
be fixed, three pocket fulls of buttons, a lot of letters we cant read
an four belts. As for helmets an gas masks an the like all you got to
do is reach your hand out the dug out door. If we could only soovenir
a Ford truck to carry all this stuff wed be fixed.
Im goin to quit now an get some sleep. Angus says lay up all you can
while you have a chance. Hes laid up enuff to last him the rest of his
life since Ive known him.
Yours as long as it lasts
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
Ive heard so many shells floatin over this old wood in the last week
that they dont mean much more to me now than the postmans whissel.
Only I hope I dont ever hear one stop an turn in here cause I aint
hankerin to be evakuated like a pictur puzzle.
Im sleepin with the doboy runners. If you want to know anything about
the war thats the place to live.
Yesterday the Lootenant called me over to his dug out an said he was
goin to establish a couple of observashun posts. I thanked him an said
Id seen all I wanted to so if it was the same to him Id stay in an
keep my eye on the soovenirs. As soon as he saw I had something else
to do hed have dragged me out if Id only had one leg to walk on.
The Lootenant loaded everything he could think of onto my back. I
wouldnt have been surprised if hed ended up by climin on himself. If
you could win this war with telescopes an things it would have been
over three days after he got into it. We went to a place where the
Dutch had built a platform way up in a tree on the edge of the woods.
The Lootenant an a doboy oficer climed up. They was up there so long
we thought theyd probably found an old machine gun nest an gone to
sleep in it.
While we was sittin under the tree plannin how wed improve the army
if it was ours we heard an airyplane comin. You could tell by the
noise it was flyin low. We figgered if it was a Dutch plane the
Lootenants was up a tree more ways than one cause they stuck up above
the rest of the woods like a sore thum. Pretty soon we could see it
thru the branches an sure enuff there was the irun cross painted on
the bottom. It came up to the tree an circled round it. Then it opened
up its machine gun at it an flew away with a trail of yellow smoke
comin out its hind end.
You ought to have seen those two Lootenants come down. They beat every
law of gravity old man Newton ever passed. The Lootenant said theyd
fixed that observashun post all right an now he was goin to put up
another one on the other side of the woods. He thought this next one
would be better on the ground.
[Illustration: "YOU OUGHT TO HAVE SEEN THOSE TWO LOOTENANTS COME DOWN"]
The next place we stopped was a little clearin on the side of a hill.
You could look right across the Moose river an see where our shells
was landin in a grave yard right near a Fritz town. Some of these
fellos certinly is there. The Fritzes was gettin back at us by shellin
our doboys near where we was workin. Thats the way they do. When we
shell the Fritz doboys they come right back at us an shell ours. Its a
case of you kick my dog an Ill kick yours. Thats a nice arrangement
for everybody but the doboys.
The Lootenant set up a little table an began squintin thru some
glasses like he was goin to lay a railroad thru to Berlin. Then
shh-bang an one of those little Hungry Awstrian guns lit in the woods
behind us. Those things dont lie around in the sun decidin wether
there goin to be duds or not I can tell you. I dont stand around
waitin to find out ether. Im gettin so I can drop quicker than a war
stock. When that thing lit we was all standin round watchin the
Lootenant. When it started distributin itself around there wasnt
nobody in sight. A couple of others came right after it closer still.
After a while I heard the Lootenant say "Its so comfortable in here I
hate to get out." Like he was takin a hot bath or something. Only he
didnt fool nobody that way. When it looked like the Hungry Awstrians
had quit everybody began poppin out of the ground agen. As soon as we
was all up shh-bang. Angus cut his eye on a rock in the bottom of a
shell hole. Hell be able to give pointers to Annie Kellerman when he
gets home. If he ever gets wounded Ill bet itll be in the sole of the
foot.
After that the Lootenant decided he wouldnt keep us out any longer. He
was afraid wed miss our mess. The war is changin some people.
Well Mable Ill rite you agen in a few days if I dont get put on
detached service with the Angels.
until then yours exclusively
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
I suppose you thought I was dead for the last two weeks. You was so
near to right a couple of times I wanted to get something definite on
it before I rote you. I been havin newmonya now in the hospittle for
ten days. I havnt been so sore since I had the mumps Crismus vacashun.
After duckin half the shells the Croup people ever turned out I had to
get hit with a cold in the head. I bet I get the chicken pox on my
honeymoon.
An now here I am holdin down an irun cot that creeks when you turn
over, missin all the fun an not even goin to get a wound stripe. The
worst of it they tell me I got as much chance of gettin back to my
battery as I havin of catchin the Croun Prince. They say like as not
Ill land in some Steva Dora regiment in the SOS or in the M.P.s. They
dont seem to have nothin to do in this army but take you from where
you want to be an put you where you dont.
But I aint goin to complain, Mable. I told em that after Id been here
four days. All I say is if they dont let me out of this hole toot
sweet Im goin to get up an beat it an die on the road. Then perhaps
theyll wish they had.
Theres not a blessed thing to do but wait for mess an lissen to the
fello lie in the next bed. He can make Annie Nias look like Martha
Washington before hes been talkin five minites. He says that when he
got hit the shells was fallin around him so fast that the only way he
saved his life was by deflectin them off with a bayonet. Two of them
came at him at once an he got mixed up. I ast him why he didnt catch
one on the back of his neck like the fello does the cannon balls in
the vawdeville show. The nurse told me yesterday he got his foot run
over by a truck. Everybody spends there time tellin how they used to
shake dice with death every mornin before breakfast. It works out all
right cause nobody believes anybody else an it gives them good
practice for when they go home.
Its a funny thing about the fello in the next bed. I came in two days
after he did. Four days after he got here he came down with newmonya.
I got it two days later. He died last night. But of course that dont
necesarily mean nothin. Cheerful an bright to the last gasp. Thats me
all over, Mable. Of course I dont want you to worry cause that would
make me worry an theres no tellin what that would bring on.
Well, Mable, I got a big surprise for you. I guess itll take a load
offen your mind. You know all that stuff we been readin in the war
stories about hospittles an the like. It all goes the same. "The next
thing the fello knew he was lyin between snowy white sheets an a
butiful vizun was bendin over him. She had vilet eyes an was full of
tears like shed been cryin or something. An she smooths out his pillo
an says 'Your better now.'" That smoothin out the pillo always seems
to cure em. Well, Mable, Im sorry to say thats all bunk--every word of
it.
When I first heard they were goin to send me to a hospittle behind the
lines I didnt care a bit. I wanted to have a look at a vilet eyed
nurse. Accordin to the books they usuly turn out to be Dutcheses or
somebody. I was plannin to look up in her eyes an say "This must be
heven. Do you happen to have any lemonade?" Or something mushy like
that. Then shed cry some more an like as not put a stick in the
lemonade.
[Illustration: "'DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY LEMONADE?'"]
Of course I wouldnt have married her or nothin. In the first place all
the churches over here is knocked down an besides I got other plans if
I ever get a chance between wars.
The thing started off all wrong by my not bein unconshus when they
brought me in. I didnt even ride in on a stretcher. I was a sittin
case. They walk. Before I could get into the place at all I had to
report to a sargent. He ast me so many questions I thought I must have
struck some recruitin stashun an might be enlistin agen. I pretty near
had heart failure for a minit. The sargent told me report to Ward 19.
You never go anywhere in the army. You report. Theyd have a fello in
his coffin report to his grave if they could.
When they built Ward 19 they took all the joy out of it by makin it
look like a barracks. Insted of a vilet eyed nurse there was a bleary
eyed Captin sittin in a little room in front. He didnt look as if hed
been to bed since the war started. I says "Sir, Private Smith reports
to be sick in Ward 19." Nobody cried or looked at me with tears in
there eyes. The Captin just says "What the this an that is the matter
with those fellos up there do they think this is the only hospittle in
France? Lets see your card."
He called an orderly who showed me an empty bed where I was to be
sick. Then he says "If you want anything to eat you better get your
close off." Just like a fello couldnt eat right with his close on. An
he says "You dont have to set your dirty shoes on the blankets
nether."
After Id got into bed the nurse came along to take my temperment. I
aint goin to say nothin agenst that nurse tho. She was all right an it
wasnt her falt she didnt have vilet eyes. As for cryin, Mable, she was
too busy to have shed a tear if you shoved a peck of onyuns under her
nose. I never saw anybody work so hard. Shed make a good wife for the
Top sargent. It would make him happy to sit around an watch her.
Well, Mable, if you dont get another letter from me youll probably get
one from the local congressman explainin why. If the worst come to
worst tell your father I didnt bear no grudge agenst him. I was
thinkin yesterday about a little motto or something for my toomstone.
I sort of like this one. I showed it to the nurse. She said she never
saw anything like it on anybodies toomstone so I guess itll be all
right.
Here lies the body of Bill Smith, dead
For the good of the service, with a cold in his head
Tho hed felt (without duckin) the bullets breeze
He was called aloft by an ordinary sneeze.
yours hopefully
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
All kinds of things has happened since I rote you last. In the first
place I didnt die of newmonya like I said I was goin to but I bet I
had the government worried about my insurance a couple of times. One
day they put a bunch of us in an ambulance an drove off. Nobody knew
where we was goin except that it was toward the front. It seemed good
almost to hear those old guns bangin away just like Id never been
gone. An then the first person I saw when they let me out was the Top
sargent. Itll give you an idear how glad I was to get back to the
outfit when I say I could have kised him, whissel an all.
Im riting this way down in a Dutch dug-out. Upstairs there shellin all
the time. War certinly has changed since I went to the hospittle. You
take more chances goin to mess up here than you did goin over the top
when this all started. In half an hour, I got to go on gas gard. That
means I stand in front of the dug out an when I smell something I blow
a klaxon. If any old Ford ever sneaks up behind me when I get home an
blows a klaxon theyll probably see me clap my derby over my face an
dive into a coal hole.
Theyve thrown so much gas at us lately that its gettin on the mens
nerves as well as there close. Most of the fellos would yell gas if
you threw a pot of geraniums into the dugout. Somebody stepped on
Anguses hand while he was asleep yesterday an he put some iodine on
it. He woke up in the middle of the night an smelt it. He had us
wearin our gas masks pretty near the rest of the night. But we--
Ive forgot what I was goin to say there. I bet Ive got gray hairs
since I rote that last line. Just as I got to the "we" I heard the old
klaxon squawk. When I felt around my chest for my gas mask it wasnt
there. It was worse than findin yourself on the street car without a
nickel on the way to your own weddin. I sat there wonderin how long I
could hold my breth till I almost busted a lung. Then I remembered it
was on my knee under the letter where Id been usin it for a ritin
desk. Theyd have sent me back to the States as gas instructor if they
could have seem me put on that mask. Chained lightenin. Thats me all
over, Mable.
All we do nowdays is move. Back in the States it used to take us 24
hours to get ready for a hike. Now were lucky if we get 24 minits. We
expect anything an we havnt been disappointed so far. Like the other
nite when we were on our way to this place. It was rainin as usual.
Wed pitched pup tents in the woods an had just gotten to sleep. Angus
an I was bunkin together on some hay that hed pulled of a forage wagon
that was caught in a jam. We was lissenin to the rain an sayin how
lucky we was not to be out in it. That is nothin but our feet an there
always wet so they dont count. Its funny how different rain sounds
beatin on the sides of a pup tent an on a tin derby.
I went to sleep an dreamed I was on a train just pullin into
Philopolis. I looked out the windo an saw your father on the platform
with a whissel in his mouth. He was blowin it an dancin around like a
mad monkey. Then I woke up an the Top was standin outside blowin on
his whissel like he was tryin to blow the pea out of it an sayin "Fall
in. Harness an hitch."
Well, Mable, to say that bunch was sore was like callin Niagra Falls
pretty. I dont supose you ever tried to make a blanket roll in the
pitch dark an six inches of mud. It comes out like a jelly roll only
mud insted of jelly.
[Illustration: "TRIED TO MAKE A BLANKET ROLL IN SIX INCHES OF MUD"]
About midnight the Top came from somewhere an says "Unhitch an
unharness. Put up your pup tents. We aint agoin to move."
I never saw so much mud. Mud seems to go with the army just like
monkey meat an Top sargents an first calls.
Theres been a whole lot of talk about peace lately. Angus says theres
some Dutch oficers comin thru here in an automobile to see General
Fosh about an armistice. An armistice is awful tecknickle, Mable.
About the only way I can explain it is that you dont quit fightin only
you do. I may be eatin gobbler at Thanksgivin yet.
Just now I got to quit cause theres no armistice yet an Im supposed to
go on gas gard at five o'clock. Its six now. The fello thats on gard
has been yellin down the stairs at me fer an hour so I guess Ill go up
an see whats the trouble. Hes an awful nervus fello.
yours till I come off gas gard
_Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
The war is over. Finney le gare. The six inch head lines lost their
job at leven oclock Monday mornin. Its so quiet you can almost hear
it. It sure will be a come down when we have to look at picturs in the
Sunday papers of the Prince of Whales visitin a tooth pick factory an
the flower show at Passadinner.
It wasnt much of an endin to a worlds champeenship scrap. Id always
thought that when they ended wars like this they lined up same as in
the pictur your father has of whats his name surrenderin to
thingumbob at Yorktown. I thought General Fosh would come ridin out on
a big white horse an General Hinderberg on a big black one. Hed hand
Fosh his sord or whissel or whatever it is that Generals carry
nowdays. Then everybody would cheer, the bands would bust out with the
Star Spangled Banner an it would be just like after the fello rides a
bicicle over five elefants in the circus. After that wed hand our guns
over to some museum an go home. Somehow or other it was to big to
peter out the way it did.
We fired off an on Sunday night an then quit when it got daylight.
Most of the fellos were down in the dug outs catchin a little sleep
except for the gards an a few others that was monkeyin around
upstairs. Me an Angus was sittin in a little trench in front of the
first gun. Angus was cleanin his revolver. I might have known from
that that something out of the way was goin to happen.
The Fritzes was sowin a big field in front of the battery with wash
boilers. Theyd been at it all mornin but about the only thing they was
killen was the grass. Not bein interested in the hay crop we wasnt
callin them up to tell them about it. Every ten minites or so you
could feel a big one land. Then wed stick our heads up over the top of
the trench an watch it throw up mud in the air like Old Faithless
guyser.
We was talkin about the armistice. Angus said if it was sined up we
was to go to college in Ingland for six months or else to Rusha to
fight the Slovo Checkracks or the Checko Swaybacks or somebody. Not
wantin to do ether I couldnt see where the armistice was goin to do me
much good.
Just then I saw the Top comin but it was to late to go anywhere. He
says "I want you fellos to go an help unload a rashun truck thats
stuck in the mud down the road. An by the way, the wars over in about
five minits so dont go around shootin anybody after that unless you
want to land in the gard house." I bet if the angel Gabriul stuck his
head out of a cloud an said the world was goin to end in twenty minits
all that would worry the Top would be thinkin up details to keep us
sweatin that long.
Thats about all there was to the end of the war as far as I was
concerned. Angus says "Ill be damed." Then he squinted thru his gun an
handed it over to me an says "See if you think thats rust up near the
front end." We stopped everybody that came along an told them about
it. Most of them would just say "Ill be damed." Then theyd stand
around for a minit thinkin it over an ask "When are we goin home?"
Youd think me an Angus was runnin some kind of a Cooks toor.
Things warmed up a little after it got dark. Everybody got there
fireworks out an touched them off. It was the first time since we
been in the war that we found out what a lot of those rockets were. It
made 4th of July look like Sunday in Philadelfia.
Of course all anybody thinks about now is when there goin home. Most
of the fellos is expectin to help put the fires out on the family
Crismus tree. Theres a few of them thinks theyll be eatin homemade
turkey Thanksgivin. I wouldnt worry much if I was a turkey tho.
Well, Mable, after all the baths I took last winter an all Ive been
rained on since I got here I finally adopted a pack of cooties. I
guess some Fritz left them in a dug out to starve. I dont know why it
is that animals seem to take to me so. This bunch is so attached to me
I havnt been able to shake them for two weeks. I used to think cooties
was funny just like you think slippin on a banana peel is funny till
its your slip. Now all I do is scratch, scratch, scratch. Thats me all
over, Mable.
[Illustration: "ALL I DO IS SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH"]
Im enclosin a blank slip they gave out today. Anybody that wants to
send a Crismus present has to have one. I wasnt goin to send it first
cause it sounded a little like I was expectin a present. Then I
figgered Id just tell you I didnt want one an send it for a curiosity.
I guess Ill see you in about a month. Its just a question of findin
somebody thats fool enuff to take these guns offen our hands. You
might as well start oilin the victrola. You can tell your father hes
goin to sit down to the biggest dinner he ever tackeled the first
Sunday after I get home, liver or no liver.
till then as always
_Bill_
P.S. Im sendin half a dozen of those slips extra in case the first one
should get lost or some of your friends wanted to send anything to
somebody over here.
_Dere Mable:_
You couldnt guess where I am now. Im not to sure myself. All I know is
it isnt the way home. A couple of days after the armistice was signed
we pulled the guns into what was left of a town. The Fritzes had just
moved out. Then the Captin told us there was an army goin into Germany
an we was to be part of it. It struck me as a pretty low trick when
wed told the Fritzes we was thru fightin to go right on pickin on
them. He said it was an honer. Im always leary of that. In the army
honer an hard work are the same thing.