yesterday morning was a long time ago; and was no argument for his
being alive now; for it was often repeated in the letter not to raise
my hopes. I then asked General M'Kenzie to assist me to get away.
Unfortunately I did not say I had a carriage. He said he was going to
Brussels, and would take me. I consented, and he went to get ready. I
would not if I could, describe the state I was in for two hours more;
then I lost all self-command. I would not allow Emma to put up my
clothes, for fear of being detained. My agitation and anxiety
increased. I had the dreadful idea haunting me that I should arrive
perhaps half an hour too late. This got the better of me, and I paced
backward and forward in the parlour very fast, and my breathing was
like screaming. I went into the passage, and sent Emma to see if the
carriage were coming; and then sat down on the stair, which was steep
and dark. There General M'Kenzie found me. Whenever he learnt I had a
carriage, he sent the horses he had; for his carriage was not ready,
and would not be for some time. When he saw what a state I was in, he
roused me in a most sensible manner.
He said, "Lady De Lancey, consider what you are doing. You are
exhausting your strength and spirits to no purpose, for your friends
are endeavouring to forward your departure as soon as possible."
I exclaimed, "Oh, I shall never be there. He may be dying at this
moment."
He took my hand, and said calmly and firmly, "My dear madam, why fancy
evil? You know what dreadful scenes you may have to go through when
you reach Waterloo. You will probably require all your courage, and
must command yourself for his sake."
I said no more, but quietly went to the parlour and remained
waiting--such an immediate effect had his steady good sense on my
fevered mind. I overheard him say, "No, do not at present; she is not
fit for it." I was alarmed, and ran out; but I saw a lady retreating,
and I was grateful to him.
We left Antwerp between eight and nine, and had the same difficulties
to encounter; but the road was not quite so much blocked up. General
M'Kenzie said he would ride after us in an hour, in case we should be
detained; he also sent a dragoon before, to order horses. When we were
near Vilvorde, the driver attempted to pass a waggon, but the soldier
who rode beside it would not move one inch to let us pass. The waggons
kept possession of the _chaussee_ the whole way, and we had to drive
on the heavy road at the side. My servant got off the seat to
endeavour to lead the horses past. This provoked the soldier, and a
dispute began. I was alarmed, and desired the servant to get upon the
carriage again, which he did. A Prussian officer, enraged at our
attempting to pass the waggon he was guarding, drew his sword, and
made several cuts at the servant's legs, but did not reach him. He was
preparing to get down again, but I looked from the opposite window and
commanded him to sit still, and not to answer a word; or else to quit
the carriage altogether. The driver now made a dash past the waggon,
and the officer galloped after us and attempted to wound the horses.
This made me desperate, and I ventured on a most imprudent action. I
drew up the blind, and holding up my hands, I petitioned him to let
us pass. I exclaimed that my husband, a British officer, was dying,
and if he detained me I might not see him. It had the desired effect,
for without seeming to have heard me, he slackened his pace and was
soon far behind.
When within ten miles of Brussels, the smell of gunpowder was very
perceptible. The heat was oppressive. As we came within a mile of
Brussels, the multitude of wretched-looking people was great, as Emma
told me, for I was both unwilling and unable to look out. I was so
much worn with anxiety that I could scarcely sit up. As we entered
Brussels the carriage stopped, and I saw Mr Hay. I durst not speak,
but he instantly said, "He is alive. I sent my servant to Waterloo
this morning; he is just returned, and Sir William is better than they
expected. I have horses standing harnessed, and you will soon be there
if the road is passable, though it was not yesterday, for a horse."
We were soon out of Brussels again, and on the road to Waterloo. It is
nine miles, and we took three hours and a half. Mr Hay rode before us
with his sword drawn, and obliged them to let us pass. We often stood
still for ten minutes. The horses screamed at the smell of
corruption, which in many places was offensive. At last, when near the
village, Mr Hay said he would ride forward and find the house, and
learn whether I should still proceed or not. I hope no one will ever
be able to say they can understand what my feelings must have been
during the half-hour that passed till he returned. How fervently and
sincerely I resolved that if I saw him alive for one hour I never
would repine! I had almost lost my recollection, with the excess of
anxiety and suspense, when Mr Hay called out, "All's well; I have seen
him. He expects you."
When we got to the village, Sir G. Scovell met the carriage, and
opening the door, said, "Stop one moment."
I said, "Is he alive?"
"Yes, alive; and the surgeons are of opinion that he may recover. We
are so grieved for what you have suffered."
"Oh! never mind what I have suffered. Let me go to him now."
He said I must wait one moment. I assured him I was composed indeed.
He said, "I see you are," with a smile, "but I wish to warn you of one
thing. You must be aware that his life hangs on a very slender hold;
and therefore any agitation would be injurious. Now, we have not told
him you had heard of his death; we thought it would afflict him;
therefore do not appear to have heard it."
I promised, and he said, "Now come along." I sat down for an instant
in the outer room, and he went in; and when I heard my husband say,
"Let her come in, then," I was overpaid for all the misery.
I was surprised at the strength of his voice, for I had expected to
find him weak and dying. When I went into the room where he lay, he
held out his hand and said, "Come, Magdalene, this is a sad business,
is it not?" I could not speak, but sat down by him and took his hand.
This was my occupation for six days.
Though I found him far better than I expected, I can scarcely say
whether I hoped or feared most at first; because I was so much
occupied with gathering comforts about him, and helping him, that I
had not time to think about the future. It was a dreadful but
sufficient preparation, being told of his death; and then finding him
alive, I was ready to bear whatever might ensue without a murmur. I
was so grateful for seeing him once more, that I valued each hour as
it passed, and as I had too much reason to fear that I should very
soon have nothing left of happiness but what my reflections would
afford me, I endeavoured, by suppressing feelings that would have made
him miserable, and myself unfit to serve him, to lay up no store of
regret. He asked me if I was a good nurse. I told him that I had not
been much tried. He said he was sure he would be a good patient, for
he would do whatever I bade him till he was convalescent; and then he
knew he would grow very cross. I watched in vain for a cross word. All
his endeavour seemed to be to leave none but pleasing impressions on
my mind; and as he grew worse and suffered more, his smile was more
sweet, and his thanks more fervent, for everything that was done for
him.
I endeavoured to find out from the surgeons the extent of the danger.
They said that at present there were no bad symptoms, and after seeing
him alive at all after such a wound they would not despair: and if
the fever could be kept off, there was a great chance of his
recovering. With this view they wished to bleed him constantly;
wishing also thereby to make the recovery more complete. I knew they
had no interest in me, and therefore would probably tell me the same
as other people, so I continued to ask them after every visit what
they thought; but when by watching the symptoms myself and also
observing the surgeon's expression, I saw what I must soon prepare
for, I did not tease them any more with questions, but tried not to
give way, and endeavoured to keep up as long as it would be of
consequence to him; for even after all hope was gone and the disorder
increased rapidly, I felt that if by agitating him I should afterwards
imagine I had shortened his life by one hour, that reflection would
embitter my whole life. I have the satisfaction of knowing that I
succeeded even better than I could have hoped; for toward the end of
the week, when every symptom was bad, the surgeon (probably because I
desisted from enquiring and did not appear agitated) doubtful what I
thought, yet, judging it right to tell me, asked Emma if she knew
whether I was aware of the danger or not. She assured him I had
entirely given up hope for some time.
I found Emma of great service. Her good will carried her through
excessive fatigue while at Waterloo; and afterwards her excellent
heart and superior judgment were quite a blessing to me. She told me
she was thankful she had been at Waterloo, for it would do her good to
see a little of what other people endured. She never before knew half
the value of her peaceful, comfortable home in London, where the
absence of miserable objects might alone be considered as a benefit. I
can hardly express what I felt on returning to England, to see people
surrounded with every luxury unhappy at the want of the smallest
comfort. I can fancy no better cure for all imaginary evils than a
week's residence at Waterloo.
Noise did not disturb Sir William, fortunately, for the cottage was
surrounded with roads.(28) One in front led to Nivelles, and every
waggon going to and from the army, and all the wounded and prisoners,
passed along that road. It was paved, and there was an unceasing
noise for four days and nights. We were obliged to keep the windows
open, and people used to pass close to that in his room, talking loud,
and sometimes looking in and speaking; but he never took any notice. I
never saw anybody so patient. The people to whom the cottage belonged
were, luckily, favourable to our cause, or they would have tormented
us a good deal; instead of which, I never met with such good nature;
and though they never rested one moment helping the soldiers to water,
and were constantly worn out with giving them assistance, we had only
to tell them what to do, and they ran about to work for us. Their
_menage_, I must allow, was in a sad state.(29) There was a want of
everything. I could not help thinking with envy of the troublesome
abundance I had often seen in sick-rooms, when there was far less need
for it. However, in a short time we got everything he required; and I
have the greatest comfort in recollecting that there was not one thing
which he expressed a wish for that we did not procure. I sent a
servant instantly to Brussels with a list of things we wanted; and
once I recollect something was brought which he had been very anxious
for. Naturally enough, he was disappointed when he found it not so
good as he expected; but I was quite struck with his endeavour to
praise it, for fear I should be sorry. There was a languid melancholy
about him at the same time that he was calm and resigned, which would
have made the most uninterested person grieved to see him suffering,
and with such sweetness. Emma once gave him some drink, and she told
me that the tone of voice and his smile when he thanked her, was like
to break her heart, for he was in severe pain at the time.
He said the wound gave him no pain at all, but a little irritating
cough caused excessive pain in his chest and side. As far as I could
learn, the blow had affected the lungs, which produced inflammation
and afterwards water in the chest, which was eventually the cause of
his death. I suspect the surgeons had never much hope, but they said
there was a chance if the inflammation could have been stopped. By
constantly watching him, and gradually day after day observing the
progress and increase of suffering and the elevated tone of his mind,
along with fatigue and weakness, I was prepared for his final release
in a manner that nothing but his firmness and composure could have
effected.
He had at first been laid in the outer room, which had two large
windows to the road, and everyone saw in. This he did not like, and he
made the people move him to a small room, about seven feet wide, with
a bed across the end of it. They placed him so low and awkwardly in
the bed, that when I first went in I thought his legs were hurt, for
he could not straighten his knees. After a day or two, he got shoved
up by degrees, and then could stretch his limbs. The bed was wretched,
merely a wooden frame fastened to the wall, so that it could not be
moved, which rendered it extremely difficult to bleed him, or to
assist him in any way, as he could neither turn nor raise his head an
inch from the pillow, or rather sack of chaff, upon which he was laid.
This was so full of dust that it made him cough. I soon removed it,
and got a cushion out of the carriage instead. We had a clean blanket
from Brussels, and at first we put clean sheets on every day. But
latterly he grew so restless that he preferred having only the
blanket. I had purposely sent for a French cotton one, as I thought
the flannel would tease him. The bed was made tolerable at least, and
though I could not be pleased with it, _he_ was. He repeated more than
once, "What a thing it was for you being in this country!" and I had
the delight of hearing him say that he did not know what he would have
done without me. He said he was sure he would not have lived so long,
for he would not have been so obedient to anyone else.
I found he had been the worse of seeing some friends who had called
the first day I was at Waterloo, so I told the servant afterwards
never to let anybody come into his room. I remember one day an officer
called, and before he was out of sight I had his card converted into a
teaspoon. Sir William never ate anything, except once or twice a
morsel of toast out of the water. He drank a great deal of tea and
lemonade. At first he had no milk to his tea, and he complained that
it was very bad; but there was none to be got. I sent my servant to
search for some, and he met some Prussian cows, and milked one, and
brought a fine jug of milk. The different contrivances sometimes
amused him. One day he wished to have the room fumigated. How was this
to be done, without fire-irons, or indeed without fire? We put some
vinegar into a tumbler, and Emma went with a large pair of scissors,
and brought a piece of burning charcoal, and put it into the vinegar,
and that made a great smoke. Every time we wanted anything warmed, or
water boiled, Emma had to cross a court and make a fire, and then
watch it, or someone would have run away with what she was cooking.
Meantime I would call her ten different times, and this in wet or dry,
night or day. I now regretted having brought so few clothes.
The day I went to Waterloo, Sir William told me the Duke(30) had
visited him in the morning. He said he never had seen him so warm in
his feelings: he had taken leave of him with little hope of seeing
him again, I fancy. The Duke told him he never wished to see another
battle; this had been so shocking. It had been too much to see such
brave men, so equally matched, cutting(31) each other to pieces as
they did. Sir William said there never had been such fighting; that
the Duke far surpassed anything he had ever done before.(32) The
general opinion seemed to be that it had been a peculiarly shocking
battle. Sir William said he never would try it again; he was quite
tired of the business. In speaking of his wound he said this might be
the most fortunate event that could have happened for us both. I
looked at him for an explanation. He said, "Certainly, even if I
recover completely, I should never think of serving again. Nobody
could ask such a thing, and we should settle down quietly at home for
the rest of our lives." The evening after I went to Waterloo, Sir G.
Scovell said he would take something to eat, and after seeing me
fairly established he would go to Headquarters. He wrote a copy of a
return of rations, for which we were to send to Brussels; and also any
other provisions must be got from thence, for the village produced
nothing. He left two sentinels, for fear there should be any
disturbances, and we might feel unprotected. One night there was a
great noise of people quarrelling in front of the house; the windows
had no fastening whatever, but they passed away without molesting us.
I was a little more seriously alarmed another day. Some reports had
reached us that the French were coming back, and were within nine
miles. I thought it unlikely, but about eight in the morning all the
waggons that had passed for two hours came back as fast as possible,
horses trotting and men running. I was uneasy on Sir William's
account: his situation was so helpless. I leant forward, to prevent
people looking in and seeing him. I waited without saying anything, to
learn the cause of this bustle. I found afterwards that it was merely
the waggons had gone several miles on the wrong road, and were
hurrying back to make it up.(33)
From the time Sir G. Scovell left us, we scarcely saw anybody but the
surgeons. It must add very much to the fatigue of their business,
having to do everything for the wounded whom they attend. Mr
Powell,(34) who attended most constantly to Sir William, and with
evidently great anxiety for his recovery, was sometimes quite knocked
up with walking many miles on the heavy road to the field and the
cottages. He had some difficulty to consider me as a useful person. At
first he used to ask me to tell the servant to come; but he learnt to
employ me very soon.
The night I went, Sir William desired me to take some rest, for I
looked ill. A portmanteau bed had been brought for me from Brussels. I
left him reluctantly, for I grudged wasting any of such precious time,
but he would not hear of my sitting up. I had just lain down with my
clothes on--for there was no blanket, and the floor was damp tiles. I
heard him call to his servant, who slept at the end of his room on a
mattress. I jumped up and went to him, and did not leave him again. He
wanted some drink, which I gave him, and then sat down beside him. He
slept and woke every half-hour. He was not restless, nor had he any
pain, but he was constantly thirsty.
On Wednesday he wished to have leeches applied to his side, where the
bruise appeared. Mr Powell had no objection, and desired me to send
for him when the leeches were brought from Brussels. I did so; but in
the meantime, not knowing why he was sent for, I began as a matter of
course to apply them. When he came, he apologised, and thanked me. I
was not at first aware of how I was obliging him. He said he was very
tired, and when he attempted to fix the leeches, he did not do it so
well as I did. Next time they were to be applied, I asked if I should
send for him. He said I was as good at it as any hospital nurse could
be, and as he had scarcely had an hour's rest any night since the
battle, he would be greatly obliged to me if I would take the trouble.
Sir William alleged that I grew quite vain of my skill in tormenting
my poor husband with these animals. The same day Dr Hume(35) called in
passing to Brussels, for ten minutes. I was a little provoked at the
gaiety of his manner; the gravity he assumed at Brussels would have
been suitable to the present scene. Though Sir William never
complained, he was serious, and seemed inclined to be quiet, and
neither to speak much nor to listen. He generally lay thinking, often
conversed with me, but seemed oppressed with general conversation,
and would not listen when anyone told him of the progress of the army.
His thoughts were in a very different train. Dr Hume's rapid, lively
visit annoyed me much.
I did not feel the effects of having sat up on Tuesday night till next
night, but was resolved to fight against it. Sir William desired me to
go to rest, as he had done the night before; but I only remained away
till I had an excuse to return, and he always forgot a second time to
bid me go. This was the only night I had real difficulty to keep
awake; the noise of the carts assisted me a little. I counted the
rushes of the chair, for want of occupation. Some people said, why did
I not let my maid sit up; but that showed they did not understand; for
if twenty people had sat up, it would have made no difference to me. I
frequently rejoiced that I had no friend there who could exert
authority to make me take care of myself, when my only wish was to
keep up as long as he needed me.
On Thursday he was not quite so well. Before this he had been making a
gradual progress, and he could move about with more ease. He spoke
much better than he did at first. His countenance was animated; but I
fear this was the beginning of the most dangerous symptoms, and I saw
that the surgeon now became uneasy at the appearance of the blood; and
Mr Woolriche,(36) a very eminent surgeon, now constantly attended. He
had come over once or twice before. General Dundas(37) called this
forenoon. He stayed only a minute, as Sir William was not so well, and
I was busy. After he was away, I recollected having neglected to ask
him to send a blanket and some wine. I never had time to eat, and I
always forgot to get wine--as I could take a glass of that and a bit
of bread in a moment--and my strength was failing. I looked out and
saw him still at the door. I went out, and there were a number of
people, Sir H.D. Hamilton,(38) etc. I told General Dundas I had no
blanket. "Bless me!" everyone exclaimed, "no blanket!" I said it was
not of much consequence, as I never lay down, but the floor was so
damp I was afraid my maid would be ill, and her help was very
essential. I then asked for wine, both of which General Dundas sent
down next day.
That night I had no difficulty in keeping awake. Sir William was
restless and uncomfortable; his breathing was oppressed, and I had
constantly to raise him on the pillow. The pain in his chest
increased, and he was twice bled before morning. He was very much
better on Friday forenoon. Mr Woolriche told us that every day since
the battle the people of Brussels sent down carriages to take the
wounded to the hospital; from twenty to thirty private carriages came
every day.
On Friday evening Sir William was very feverish, and the appearance of
the blood was very inflammatory. I had learnt now to judge for myself,
as Mr Powell, seeing how anxious I was, sometimes had the kindness to
give me a little instruction. About ten at night Mr Powell and Mr
Woolriche came. While I told them how Sir William had been since their
last visit, and mentioned several circumstances that had occurred, I
watched them and saw they looked at each other. I guessed their
thoughts. I turned away to the window and wept.