The Saint Leaves Her Monastery of the Incarnation for a Time, at
the Command of Her Superior. Consoles an Afflicted Widow.
1. Now, though I was very careful that no one should know what we
were doing, all this work could not be carried on so secretly as
not to come to the knowledge of divers persons; some believed, in
it, others did not, I was in great fear lest the Provincial
should be spoken to about it when he came, and find himself
compelled to order me to give it up; and if he did so, it would
have been abandoned at once. Our Lord provided against it in
this way. In a large city, more than twenty leagues distant, was
a lady in great distress on account of her husband's death. [1]
She was in such extreme affliction, that fears were entertained
about her life. She had heard of me, a poor sinner,--for our
Lord had provided that,--and men spoke well to her of me, for the
sake of other good works which resulted from it. This lady knew
the Provincial well; and as she was a person of some
consideration, and knew that I lived in a monastery the nuns of
which were permitted to go out, our Lord made her desire much to
see me. She thought that my presence would be a consolation to
her, and that she could not be comforted otherwise.
She therefore strove by all the means in her power to get me into
her house, sending messages to the Provincial, who was at a
distance far away.
2. The Provincial sent me an order, charging me in virtue of my
obedience to go immediately, with one companion. I knew of it on
Christmas night. It caused me some trouble and much suffering to
see that they sent for me because they thought there was some
good in me; I, knowing myself to be so wicked, could not bear it.
I commended myself earnestly to God, and during Matins, or the
greater part of them, was lost in a profound trance. Our Lord
told me I must go without fail, and give no heed to the opinions
of people, for they were few who would not be rash in their
counsel; and though I should have troubles, yet God would be
served greatly: as to the monastery, it was expedient I should be
absent till the Brief came, because Satan had contrived a great
plot against the coming of the Provincial; that I was to have no
fear,--He would help me. I repeated this to the rector, and he
told me that I must go by all means, though others were saying I
ought not to go, that it was a trick of Satan to bring some evil
upon me there, and that I ought to send word to the Provincial.
3. I obeyed the rector, and went without fear, because of what I
had understood in prayer, though in the greatest confusion when I
thought of the reasons why they sent for me, and how very much
they were deceived. It made me more and more importunate with
our Lord that He would not abandon me. It was a great comfort
that there was a house of the Society of Jesus there whither I
was going, and so I thought I should be in some degree safe under
the direction of those fathers, as I had been here.
4. It was the good pleasure of our Lord that the lady who sent
for me should be so much consoled that a visible improvement was
the immediate result she was comforted every day more and more.
This was very remarkable, because, as I said before, her
suffering had reduced her to great straits. Our Lord must have
done this in answer to the many prayers which the good people of
my acquaintance made for me, that I might prosper in my work.
She had a profound fear of God, and was so good, that her great
devotion supplied my deficiencies. She conceived a great
affection for me--I, too, for her, because of her goodness; but
all was as it were a cross for me; for the comforts of her house
were a great torment, and her making so much of me made me
afraid. I kept my soul continually recollected--I did not dare
to be careless: nor was our Lord careless of me; for while I was
there, He bestowed the greatest graces upon me, and those graces
made me so free, and filled me with such contempt for all I
saw,--and the more I saw, the greater my contempt,--that I never
failed to treat those ladies, whom to serve would have been a
great honour for me, with as much freedom as if I had been
their equal.
5. I derived very great advantages from this, and I said so.
I saw that she was a woman, and as much liable to passion and
weakness as I was; that rank is of little worth, and the higher
it is, the greater the anxiety and trouble it brings.
People must be careful of the dignity of their state, which will
not suffer them to live at ease; they must eat at fixed hours and
by rule, for everything must be according to their state, and not
according to their constitutions; and they have frequently to
take food fitted more for their state than for their liking.
6. So it was that I came to hate the very wish to be a great
lady. God deliver me from this wicked, artificial life!--though
I believe that this lady, notwithstanding that she was one of the
chief personages of the realm, was a woman of great simplicity,
and that few were more humble than she was. I was very sorry for
her, for I saw how often she had to submit to much that was
disagreeable to her, because of the requirements of her rank.
Then, as to servants, though this lady had very good servants,
how slight is that little trust that may be put in them!
One must not be conversed with more than another; otherwise, he
who is so favoured is envied by the rest. This of itself is a
slavery, and one of the lies of the world is that it calls such
persons masters, who, in my eyes, are nothing else but slaves in
a thousand ways.
7. It was our Lord's pleasure that the household of that lady
improved in the service of His Majesty during my stay there,
though I was not exempted from some trials and some jealousies on
the part of some of its members, because of the great affection
their mistress had for me. They perhaps must have thought I had
some personal interest to serve. Our Lord must have permitted
such matters, and others of the same kind, to give me trouble, in
order that I might not be absorbed in the comforts which
otherwise I had there; and He was pleased to deliver me out of it
all with great profit to my soul.
8. When I was there, a religious person of great consideration,
and with whom I had conversed occasionally some years ago, [2]
happened to arrive. When I was at Mass, in a monastery of his
Order, near the house in which I was staying, I felt a longing to
know the state of his soul,--for I wished him to be a great
servant of God,--and I rose up in order to go and speak to him.
But as I was then recollected in prayer, it seemed to me a waste
of time--for what had I to do in that matter?--and so I returned
to my place. Three times, I think I did this, and at last my
good angel prevailed over the evil one, and I went and asked for
him; and he came to speak to me in one of the confessionals.
We began by asking one another of our past lives, for we had not
seen one another for many years. I told him that my life had
been one in which my soul had had many trials. He insisted much
on my telling him what those trials were. I said that they were
not to be told, and that I was not to tell them. He replied that
the Dominican father, [3] of whom I have spoken, knew them, and
that, as they were great friends, he could learn them from him,
and so I had better tell them without hesitation.
9. The fact is, that it was not in his power not to insist, nor
in mine, I believe, to refuse to speak; for notwithstanding all
the trouble and shame I used to feel formerly, I spoke of my
state, to him, and to the rector whom I have referred to
before, [4] without any difficulty whatever; on the contrary, it
was a great consolation to me; and so I told him all in
confession. He seemed to me then more prudent than ever; though
I had always looked upon him as a man of great understanding.
I considered what high gifts and endowments for great services he
had, if he gave himself wholly unto God. I had this feeling now
for many years, so that I never saw any one who pleased me much
without wishing at once he were given wholly unto God; and
sometimes I feel this so keenly, that I can hardly contain
myself. Though I long to see everybody serve God, yet my desire
about those who please me is very vehement, and so I importune
our Lord on their behalf.
10. So it happened with respect to this religious. He asked me
to pray much for him to God. There was no necessity for his
doing so, because I could not do anything else, and so I went
back to my place where I was in the habit of praying alone, and
began to pray to our Lord, being extremely recollected, in that
my simple, silly way, when I speak without knowing very often
what I am saying. It is love that speaks, and my soul is so
beside itself, that I do not regard the distance between it and
God. That love which I know His Majesty has for it makes it
forget itself, and think itself to be one with Him; and so, as
being one with Him, and not divided from Him, the soul speaks
foolishly. When I had prayed with many tears that the soul of
this religious might serve Him truly,--for, though I considered
it good, it was not enough for me; I would have it much
better,--I remember I said, "O Lord, Thou must not refuse me this
grace; behold him,--he is a fit person to be our friend."
11. Oh, the great goodness and compassion of God! How He regards
not the words, but the desire and the will with which they are
spoken! How He suffered such a one as I am to speak so boldly
before His Majesty! May He be blessed for evermore!
12. I remember that during those hours of prayer on that very
night I was extremely distressed by the thought whether I was in
the grace of God, and that I could never know whether I was so or
not,--not that I wished to know it; I wished, however, to die, in
order that I might not live a life in which I was not sure that I
was not dead in sin, for there could be no death more dreadful
for me than to think that I had sinned against God. I was in
great straits at this thought. I implored Him not to suffer me
to fall into sin, with great sweetness, dissolved in tears.
Then I heard that I might console myself, and trust [5] that I
was in a state of grace, because a love of God like mine,
together with the graces and feelings with which His Majesty
filled my soul, was of such a nature as to be inconsistent with a
state of mortal sin.
13. I was now confident that our Lord would grant my prayer as to
that religious. He bade me repeat certain words to him. This I
felt much, because I knew not how to speak to him; for this
carrying messages to a third person, as I have said, [6] is what
I have always felt the most, especially when I did not know how
that person would take them, nor whether he would not laugh at
me. This placed me in great difficulties, but at last I was so
convinced I ought to do it, that I believe I made a promise to
God I would not neglect that message; and because of the great
shame I felt, I wrote it out, and gave it in that way.
The result showed clearly enough that it was a message from God,
for that religious resolved with great earnestness to give
himself to prayer, though he did not do so at once. Our Lord
would have him for Himself, so He sent me to tell him certain
truths which, without my understanding them, were so much to the
purpose that he was astonished. Our Lord must have prepared him
to receive them as from His Majesty; and though I am but a
miserable sinner myself, yet I made many supplications to our
Lord to convert him thoroughly, and to make him hate the
pleasures and the things of this life. And so he did--blessed be
God!--for every time that he spoke to me I was in a manner beside
myself; and if I had not seen it, I should never have believed
that our Lord would have given him in so short a time graces so
matured, and filled him so full of God, that he seemed to be
alive to nothing on earth.
14. May His Majesty hold him in His hand! If he will go on--and
I trust in our Lord he will do so, now that he is so well
grounded in the knowledge of himself--he will be one of the most
distinguished servants of God, to the great profit of many souls,
because he has in a short time had great experience in spiritual
things: that is a gift of God, which He gives when He will and as
He will, and it depends not on length of time nor extent of
service. I do not mean that time and service, are not great
helps, but very often our Lord will not give to some in twenty
years the grace of contemplation, while He gives it to others in
one,--His Majesty knoweth why. We are under a delusion when we
think that in the course of years we shall come to the knowledge
of that which we can in no way attain to but by experience; and
thus many are in error, as I have said [7] when they would
understand spirituality without being spiritual themselves. I do
not mean that a man who is not spiritual, if he is learned, may
not direct one that is spiritual; but it must be understood that
in outward and inward things, in the order of nature, the
direction must be an act of reason; and in supernatural things,
according to the teaching of the sacred writings. In other
matters, let him not distress himself, nor think that he can
understand that which he understandeth not; neither let him
quench the Spirit; [8] for now another Master, greater than he,
is directing these souls, so that they are not left without
authority over them.
15. He must not be astonished at this, nor think it impossible:
all things are possible to our Lord; [9] he must strive rather to
strengthen his faith, and humble himself, because in this matter
our Lord imparts perhaps a deeper knowledge to some old woman
than to him, though he may be a very learned man. Being thus
humble, he will profit souls and himself more than if he affected
to be a contemplative without being so; for, I repeat it, if he
have no experience, if he have not a most profound humility,
whereby he may see that he does not understand, and that the
thing is not for that reason impossible, he will do himself but
little good, and still less to his penitent. But if he is
humble, let him have no fear that our Lord will allow either the
one or the other to fall into delusion.
16. Now as to this father I am speaking of, as our Lord has given
him light in many things, so has he laboured to find out by study
that which in this matter can be by study ascertained; for he is
a very learned man, and that of which he has no experience
himself he seeks to find out from those who have it,--and our
Lord helps him by increasing his faith, and so he has greatly
benefited himself and some other souls, of whom mine is one.
As our Lord knew the trials I had to undergo, His Majesty seems
to have provided that, when He took away unto Himself some of
those who directed me, others might remain, who helped me in my
great afflictions, and rendered me great services.
17. Our Lord wrought a complete change in this father, so much so
that he scarcely knew himself, so to speak. He has given him
bodily health, so that he may do penance, such as he never had
before; for he was sickly. He has given him courage to undertake
good works, with other gifts, so that he seems to have received a
most special vocation from our Lord. May He be blessed for ever!
18. All these blessings, I believe, came to him through the
graces our Lord bestowed upon him in prayer; for they are real.
It has been our Lord's pleasure already to try him in certain
difficulties, out of which he has come forth like one who knows
the true worth of that merit which is gained by suffering
persecutions. I trust in the munificence of our Lord that great
good will, by his means, accrue to some of his Order and to the
Order itself. This is beginning to be understood. I have had
great visions on the subject, and our Lord has told me wonderful
things of him and of the Rector of the Society of Jesus, whom I
am speaking of, [10] and also of two other religious of the Order
of St. Dominic, particularly of one who, to his own profit, has
actually learned of our Lord certain things which I had formerly
understood of him. But there were greater things made known of
him to whom I am now referring: one of them I will now relate.
19. I was with him once in the parlour, when in my soul and
spirit I felt what great love burned within him, and became as it
were lost in ecstasy by considering the greatness of God, who had
raised that soul in so short a time to a state so high. It made
me ashamed of myself when I saw him listen with so much humility
to what I was saying about certain matters of prayer, when I had
so little myself that I could speak on the subject to one like
him. Our Lord must have borne with me in this on account of the
great desire I had to see that religious making great progress.
My interview with him did me great good,--it seems as if it left
a new fire in my soul, burning with desire to serve our Lord as
in the beginning. O my Jesus! what is a soul on fire with Thy
love! How we ought to prize it, and implore our Lord to let it
live long upon earth! He who has this love should follow after
such souls, if it be possible.
20. It is a great thing for a person ill of this disease to find
another struck down by it,--it comforts him much to see that he
is not alone; they help one another greatly to suffer and to
merit. They are strong with a double strength who are resolved
to risk a thousand lives for God, and who long for an opportunity
of losing them. They are like soldiers who, to acquire booty,
and therewith enrich themselves, wish for war, knowing well that
they cannot become rich without it. This is their work--to
suffer. Oh, what a blessing it is when our Lord gives light to
understand how great is the gain of suffering for Him! This is
never understood till we have left all things; for if anybody is
attached to any one thing, that is a proof that he sets some
value upon it; and if he sets any value upon it, it is painful to
be compelled to give it up. In that case, everything is
imperfect and lost. The saying is to the purpose here,--he who
follows what is lost, is lost himself; and what greater loss,
what greater blindness, what greater calamity, can there be than
making much of that which is nothing!
21. I now return to that which I had begun to speak of. I was in
the greatest joy, beholding that soul. It seemed as if our Lord
would have me see clearly the treasures He had laid up in it; and
so, when I considered the favour our Lord had shown me, in that I
should be the means of so great a good, I recognised my own
unworthiness for such an end. I thought much of the graces our
Lord had given him, and held myself as indebted for them more
than if they had been given to myself. So I gave thanks to our
Lord, when I saw that His Majesty had fulfilled my desires and
heard my petition that He would raise up persons like him.
And now my soul, no longer able to bear the joy that filled it,
went forth out of itself, losing itself that it might gain the
more. It lost sight of the reflections it was making; and the
hearing of that divine language which the Holy Ghost seemed to
speak threw me into a deep trance, which almost deprived me of
all sense, though it did not last long. I saw Christ, in
exceeding great majesty and glory, manifesting His joy at what
was then passing. He told me as much, and it was His pleasure
that I should clearly see that He was always present at similar
interviews, and how much He was pleased when people thus found
their delight in speaking of Him.
22. On another occasion, when far away from this place, I saw him
carried by angels in great glory. I understood by that vision
that his soul was making great progress: so it was; for an evil
report was spread abroad against him by one to whom he had
rendered a great service, and whose reputation and whose soul he
had saved. He bore it with much joy. He did also other things
greatly to the honour of God, and underwent more persecutions.
I do not think it expedient now to speak further on this point;
if, however, you, my father, who know all, should hereafter think
otherwise, more might be said to the glory of our Lord.
23. All the prophecies spoken of before, [11] relating to this
house, as well as others, of which I shall speak hereafter,
relating to it and to other matters, have been accomplished.
Some of them our Lord revealed to me three years before they
became known, others earlier and others later. But I always made
them known to my confessor, and to the widow my friend; for I had
leave to communicate with her, as I said before. [12] She, I
know, repeated them to others, and these know that I lie not.
May God never permit me, in any matter whatever,--much more in
things of this importance,--to say anything but the whole truth!
24. One of my brothers-in-law [13] died suddenly; and as I was in
great distress at this, because he had no opportunity of making
his confession, our Lord said to me in prayer that my sister also
was to die in the same way; that I must go to her, and make her
prepare herself for such an end. I told this to my confessor;
but as he would not let me go, I heard the same warning again;
and now, when he saw this, he told me I might go, and that I
should lose nothing by going. My sister was living in the
country; and as I did not tell her why I came, I gave her what
light I could in all things. I made her go frequently to
confession, and look to her soul in everything. She was very
good, and did as I asked her. Four or five years after she had
begun this practice, and keeping a strict watch over her
conscience, she died, with nobody near her, and without being
able to go to confession. This was a blessing to her, for it was
little more than a week since she had been to her accustomed
confession. It was a great joy to me when I heard of her death.
She was but a short time in purgatory.
25. I do not think it was quite eight days afterwards when, after
Communion, our Lord appeared to me, and was pleased that I should
see Him receive my sister into glory. During all those years,
after our Lord had spoken to me, until her death, what I then
learnt with respect to her was never forgotten either by myself
or by my friend, who, when my sister was thus dead, came to me in
great amazement at the fulfilment of the prophecy. God be
praised for ever, who takes such care of souls that they may not
be lost!
1. Doña Luisa de la Cerda, sister of the Duke of Medina-Coeli,
was now the widow of Arias Pardo, Marshal of Castille, Lord of
Malagon and Paracuellos. Don Arias was nephew of Cardinal
Tabera, Archbishop of Toledo (De la Fuente).
2. F. Vicente Barron, Dominican (see ch. v. § 8), according to
F. Bouix, on the authority of Ribera and Yepez; but the Carmelite
Father, Fr. Antonio of St. Joseph, in his note on the first
Fragment (Letters, vol. iv. p. 408), says that it was Fr. Garcia
of Toledo, brother of Don Fernando, Duke of Alva; and Don Vicente
de la Fuente thinks the opinion of Fr. Antonio the more probable.
3. Pedro Ibañez (Bouix).
4. Ch. xxxiii. § 11.
5. Father Bouix says that here the word "confiar," "trust," in
the printed text, has been substituted by some one for the words
"estar cierta," "be certain," which he found in the MS. But Don
Vicente de la Fuente retains the old reading "confiar," and makes
no observation on the alleged discrepancy between the MS. and the
printed text. The observation of F. Bouix, however, is more
important, and deserves credit,--for Don Vicente may have failed,
through mere inadvertence, to see what F. Bouix saw; and it is
also to be remembered that Don Vicente does not say that the
MS. on this point has been so closely inspected as to throw any
doubt on the positive testimony of F. Bouix. Six years after
this note was written Don Vicente published a facsimile by
photography of the original text in the handwriting of the Saint,
preserved in the Escurial. The words are not "confiar," but
"estar cierta."
6. Ch. xxxiii. § 12.
7. Ch. xiv. § 10.
8. 1 Thess. v. 19: "Spiritum nolite extinguere."
9. St. Matt. xix. 26: "Apud Deum autem omnia possibilia sunt."
10. F. Gaspar de Salazar.
11. Ch. xxvi. § 3.
12. Ch. xxx. § 3. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa.
13. Don Martin de Guzman y Barrientos, husband of Maria de
Cepeda, the Saint's sister.