The Foundation of the Monastery Hindered. Our Lord Consoles
the Saint.
1. When the matter was in this state--so near its conclusion,
that on the very next day the papers were to be signed--then it
was that the Father Provincial changed his mind. I believe that
the change was divinely ordered--so it appeared afterwards; for
while so many prayers were made, our Lord was perfecting His work
and arranging its execution in another way. When the Provincial
refused us, my confessor bade me forthwith to think no more of
it, notwithstanding the great trouble and distress which our Lord
knows it cost me to bring it to this state. When the work was
given up and abandoned, people were the more convinced that it
was altogether the foolishness of women; and the complaints
against me were multiplied, although I had until then this
commandment of my Provincial to justify me.
2. I was now very much disliked throughout the whole monastery,
because I wished to found another with stricter enclosure.
It was said I insulted my sisters; that I could serve God among
them as well as elsewhere, for there were many among them much
better than I; that I did not love the house, and that it would
have been better if I had procured greater resources for it than
for another. Some said I ought to be put in prison; others--but
they were not many--defended me in some degree. I saw well
enough that they were for the most part right, and now and then I
made excuses for myself; though, as I could not tell them the
chief reason, which was the commandment of our Lord, I knew not
what to do, and so was silent.
3. In other respects God was most merciful unto me, for all this
caused me no uneasiness; and I gave up our design with much
readiness and joy, as if it cost me nothing. No one could
believe it, not even those men of prayer with whom I conversed;
for they thought I was exceedingly pained and sorry: even my
confessor himself could hardly believe it. I had done, as it
seemed to me, all that was in my power. I thought myself obliged
to do no more than I had done to fulfil our Lord's commandment,
and so I remained in the house where I was, exceedingly happy and
joyful; though, at the same time, I was never able to give up my
conviction that the work would be done. I had now no means of
doing it, nor did I know how or when it would be done; but I
firmly believed in its accomplishment.
4. I was much distressed at one time by a letter which my
confessor wrote to me, as if I had done anything in the matter
contrary to his will. Our Lord also must have meant that
suffering should not fail me there where I should feel it most;
and so, amid the multitude of my persecutions, when, as it seemed
to me, consolations should have come from my confessor, he told
me that I ought to recognise in the result that all was a dream;
that I ought to lead a new life by ceasing to have anything to do
for the future with it, or even to speak of it any more, seeing
the scandal it had occasioned. He made some further remarks, all
of them very painful. This was a greater affliction to me than
all the others together. I considered whether I had done
anything myself, and whether I was to blame for anything that was
an offence unto God; whether all my visions were illusions, all
my prayers a delusion, and I, therefore, deeply deluded and lost.
This pressed so heavily upon me, that I was altogether disturbed
and most grievously distressed. But our Lord, who never failed
me in all the trials I speak of, so frequently consoled and
strengthened me, that I need not speak of it here. He told me
then not to distress myself; that I had pleased God greatly, and
had not sinned against Him throughout the whole affair; that I
was to do what my confessors required of me, and be silent on the
subject till the time came to resume it. I was so comforted and
so happy, that the persecution which had befallen me seemed to be
as nothing at all.
5. Our Lord now showed me what an exceedingly great blessing it
is to be tried and persecuted for His sake; for the growth of the
love of God in my soul, which I now discerned, as well as of many
other virtues, was such as to fill me with wonder. It made me
unable to abstain from desiring trials, and yet those about me
thought I was exceedingly disheartened; and I must have been so,
if our Lord in that extremity had not succoured me with His great
compassion. Now was the beginning of those more violent
impetuosities of the love of God of which I have spoken
before, [1] as well as of those profounder trances. I kept
silence, however, and never spoke of those graces to any one.
The saintly Dominican [2] was as confident as I was that the work
would be done; and as I would not speak of it, in order that
nothing might take place contrary to the obedience I owed my
confessor, he communicated with my companion, and they wrote
letters to Rome and made their preparations.
6. Satan also contrived now that persons should hear one from
another that I had had a revelation in the matter; and people
came to me in great terror, saying that the times were dangerous,
that something might be laid to my charge, and that I might be
taken before the Inquisitors. I heard this with pleasure, and it
made me laugh, because I never was afraid of them; for I knew
well enough that in matters of faith I would not break the least
ceremony of the Church, that I would expose myself to die a
thousand times rather than that any one should see me go against
it or against any truth of Holy Writ. So I told them I was not
afraid of that, for my soul must be in a very bad state if there
was anything the matter with it of such a nature as to make me
fear the Inquisition; I would go myself and give myself up, if I
thought there was anything amiss; and if I should be denounced,
our Lord would deliver me, and I should gain much.
7. I had recourse to my Dominican father; for I could rely upon
him, because he was a learned man. I told him all about my
visions, my way of prayer, the great graces our Lord had given
me, as clearly as I could, and I begged him to consider the
matter well, and tell me if there was anything therein at
variance with the Holy Writings, and give me his opinion on the
whole matter. He reassured me much, and, I think, profited
himself; for though he was exceedingly good, yet, from this time
forth, he gave himself more and more to prayer, and retired to a
monastery of his Order which was very lonely, that he might apply
himself more effectually to prayer, where he remained more than
two years. He was dragged out of his solitude by obedience, to
his great sorrow: his superiors required his services; for he was
a man of great ability. I, too, on my part, felt his retirement
very much, because it was a great loss to me, though I did not
disturb him. But I knew it was a gain to him; for when I was so
much distressed at his departure, our Lord bade me be comforted,
not to take it to heart, for he was gone under good guidance.
8. So, when he came back, his soul had made such great progress,
and he was so advanced in the ways of the spirit, that he told me
on his return he would not have missed that journey for anything
in the world. And I, too, could say the same thing; for where he
reassured and consoled me formerly by his mere learning, he did
so now through that spiritual experience he had gained of
supernatural things. And God, too, brought him here in time; for
He saw that his help would be required in the foundation of the
monastery, which His Majesty willed should be laid.
9. I remained quiet after this for five or six months, neither
thinking nor speaking of the matter; nor did our Lord once speak
to me about it. I know not why, but I could never rid myself of
the thought that the monastery would be founded. At the end of
that time, the then Rector [3] of the Society of Jesus having
gone away, His Majesty brought into his place another, [4] of
great spirituality, high courage, strong understanding, and
profound learning, at the very time when I was in great straits.
As he who then heard my confession had a superior over him--the
fathers of the Society are extremely strict about the virtue of
obedience and never stir but in conformity with the will of their
superiors,--so he would not dare, though he perfectly understood
my spirit, and desired the accomplishment of my purpose, to come
to any resolution; and he had many reasons to justify his
conduct. I was at the same time subject to such great
impetuosities of spirit, that I felt my chains extremely heavy;
nevertheless, I never swerved from the commandment he gave me.
10. One day, when in great distress, because I thought my
confessor did not trust me, our Lord said to me, Be not troubled;
this suffering will soon be over. I was very much delighted,
thinking I should die shortly; and I was very happy whenever I
recalled those words to remembrance. Afterwards I saw clearly
that they referred to the coming of the rector of whom I am
speaking, for never again had I any reason to be distressed.
The rector that came never interfered with the father-minister
who was my confessor. On the contrary, he told him to console
me,--that there was nothing to be afraid of,--and not to direct
me along a road so narrow, but to leave the operations of the
Spirit of God alone; for now and then it seemed as if these great
impetuosities of the spirit took away the very breath of
the soul.
11. The rector came to see me, and my confessor bade me speak to
him in all freedom and openness. I used to feel the very
greatest repugnance to speak of this matter; but so it was, when
I went into the confessional, I felt in my soul something, I know
not what. I do not remember to have felt so either before or
after towards any one. I cannot tell what it was, nor do I know
of anything with which I could compare it. It was a spiritual
joy, and a conviction in my soul that his soul must understand
mine, that it was in unison with it, and yet, as I have said, I
knew not how. If I had ever spoken to him, or had heard great
things of him, it would have been nothing out of the way that I
should rejoice in the conviction that he would understand me; but
he had never spoken to me before, nor I to him, and, indeed, he
was a person of whom I had no previous knowledge whatever.
12. Afterwards, I saw clearly that my spirit was not deceived;
for my relations with him were in every way of the utmost service
to me and my soul, because his method of direction is proper for
those persons whom our Lord seems to have led far on the way,
seeing that He makes them run, and not to crawl step by step.
His plan is to render them thoroughly detached and mortified, and
our Lord has endowed him with the highest gifts herein as well as
in many other things beside. As soon as I began to have to do
with him, I knew his method at once, and saw that he had a pure
and holy soul, with a special grace of our Lord for the
discernment of spirits. He gave me great consolation.
Shortly after I had begun to speak to him, our Lord began to
constrain me to return to the affair of the monastery, and to lay
before my confessor and the father-rector many reasons and
considerations why they should not stand in my way. Some of
these reasons made them afraid, for the father-rector never had a
doubt of its being the work of the Spirit of God, because he
regarded the fruits of it with great care and attention. At
last, after much consideration, they did not dare to
hinder me. [5]
13. My confessor gave me leave to prosecute the work with all my
might. I saw well enough the trouble I exposed myself to, for I
was utterly alone, and able to do so very little. We agreed that
it should be carried on with the utmost secrecy; and so I
contrived that one of my sisters, [6] who lived out of the town,
should buy a house, and prepare it as if for herself, with money
which our Lord provided for us. [7] I made it a great point to
do nothing against obedience; but I knew that if I spoke of it to
my superiors all was lost, as on the former occasion, and worse
even might happen. In holding the money, in finding the house,
in treating for it, in putting it in order, I had so much to
suffer; and, for the most part, I had to suffer alone, though my
friend did what she could: she could do but little, and that was
almost nothing. Beyond giving her name and her countenance, the
whole of the trouble was mine; and that fell upon me in so many
ways, that I am astonished now how I could have borne it. [8]
Sometimes, in my affliction, I used to say: O my Lord, how is it
that Thou commandest me to do that which seems impossible?--for,
though I am a woman, yet, if I were free, it might be done; but
when I am tied in so many ways, without money, or the means of
procuring it, either for the purpose of the Brief or for any
other,--what, O Lord, can I do?
14. Once when I was in one of my difficulties, not knowing what
to do, unable to pay the workmen, St. Joseph, my true father and
lord, appeared to me, and gave me to understand that money would
not be wanting, and I must hire the workmen. So I did, though I
was penniless; and our Lord, in a way that filled those who heard
of it with wonder, provided for me. The house offered me was too
small,--so much so, that it seemed as if it could never be made
into a monastery,--and I wished to buy another, but had not the
means, and there was neither way nor means to do so. I knew not
what to do. There was another little house close to the one we
had, which might have formed a small church. One day, after
Communion, our Lord said to me, I have already bidden thee to go
in anyhow. And then, as if exclaiming, said: Oh, covetousness of
the human race, thinking that even the whole earth is too little
for it! how often have I slept in the open air, because I had no
place to shelter Me! [9] I was alarmed, and saw that He had good
reasons to complain. I went to the little house, arranged the
divisions of it, and found that it would make a sufficient,
though small, monastery. I did not care now to add to the site
by purchase, and so I did nothing but contrive to have it
prepared in such a way that it could be lived in. Everything was
coarse, and nothing more was done to it than to render it not
hurtful to health--and that must be done everywhere.
15. As I was going to Communion on her feast, St. Clare appeared
to me in great beauty, and bade me take courage, and go on with
what I had begun; she would help me. I began to have a great
devotion to St. Clare; and she has so truly kept her word, that a
monastery of nuns of her Order in our neighbourhood helped us to
live; and, what is of more importance, by little and little she
so perfectly fulfilled my desire, that the poverty which the
blessed Saint observes in her own house is observed in this, and
we are living on alms. It cost me no small labour to have this
matter settled by the plenary sanction and authority of the Holy
Father, [10] so that it shall never be otherwise, and we possess
no revenues. Our Lord is doing more for us--perhaps we owe it to
the prayers of this blessed Saint; for, without our asking
anybody, His Majesty supplies most abundantly all our wants.
May He be blessed for ever! Amen.
16. On one of these days--it was the Feast of the Assumption of
our Lady--I was in the church of the monastery of the Order of
the glorious St. Dominic, thinking of the events of my wretched
life, and of the many sins which in times past I had confessed in
that house. I fell into so profound a trance, that I was as it
were beside myself. I sat down, and it seemed as if I could
neither see the Elevation nor hear Mass. This afterwards became
a scruple to me. I thought then, when I was in that state, that
I saw myself clothed with a garment of excessive whiteness and
splendour. At first I did not see who was putting it on me.
Afterwards I saw our Lady on my right hand, and my father
St. Joseph on my left, clothing me with that garment. I was
given to understand that I was then cleansed from my sins.
When I had been thus clad--I was filled with the utmost delight
and joy--our Lady seemed at once to take me by both hands.
She said that I pleased her very much by being devout to the
glorious St. Joseph; that I might rely on it my desires about the
monastery were accomplished, and that our Lord and they too would
be greatly honoured in it; that I was to be afraid of no failure
whatever, though the obedience under which it would be placed
might not be according to my mind, because they would watch over
us, and because her Son had promised to be with us [11]--and, as
a proof of this, she would give me that jewel. She then seemed
to throw around my neck a most splendid necklace of gold, from
which hung a cross of great value. The stones and gold were so
different from any in this world, that there is nothing wherewith
to compare them. The beauty of them is such as can be conceived
by no imagination,--and no understanding can find out the
materials of the robe, nor picture to itself the splendours which
our Lord revealed, in comparison with which all the splendours of
earth, so to say, are a daubing of soot. This beauty, which I
saw in our Lady, was exceedingly grand, though I did not trace it
in any particular feature, but rather in the whole form of her
face. She was clothed in white and her garments shone with
excessive lustre that was not dazzling, but soft. I did not see
St. Joseph so distinctly, though I saw clearly that he was there,
as in the visions of which I spoke before, [12] in which nothing
is seen. Our Lady seemed to be very young.
17. When they had been with me for a while,--I, too, in the
greatest delight and joy, greater than I had ever had before, as
I think, and with which I wished never to part,--I saw them, so
it seemed, ascend up to heaven, attended by a great multitude of
angels. I was left in great loneliness, though so comforted and
raised up, so recollected in prayer and softened, that I was for
some time unable to move or speak--being, as it were, beside
myself. I was now possessed by a strong desire to be consumed
for the love of God, and by other affections of the same kind.
Everything took place in such a way that I could never have a
doubt--though I often tried--that the vision came from God. [13]
It left me in the greatest consolation and peace.
18. As to that which the Queen of the Angels spoke about
obedience, it is this: it was painful to me not to subject the
monastery to the Order, and our Lord had told me that it was
inexpedient to do so. He told me the reasons why it was in no
wise convenient that I should do it but I must send to Rome in a
certain way, which He also explained; He would take care that I
found help there: and so I did. I sent to Rome, as our Lord
directed me,--for we should never have succeeded otherwise,--and
most favourable was the result.
19. And as to subsequent events, it was very convenient to be
under the Bishop, [14] but at that time I did not know him, nor
did I know what kind of a superior he might be. It pleased our
Lord that he should be as good and favourable to this house as it
was necessary he should be on account of the great opposition it
met with at the beginning, as I shall show hereafter, [15] and
also for the sake of bringing it to the condition it is now in.
Blessed be He who has done it all! Amen.
1. Ch. xxi. § 6, ch. xxix. §§ 10, 11.
2. Pedro Ibañez. See ch. xxxviii. § 15.
3. Dionisio Vasquez. Of him the Bollandists say that he was very
austere and harsh to his subjects, notwithstanding his great
learning: "homini egregie docto ac rebus gestis claro, sed in
subditos, ut ex historia Societatis Jesu liquet, valde immiti"
(n. 309).
4. Gaspar de Salazar was made rector of the house in Avila in
1561, therein succeeding Vasquez (Bollandists, ibid.).
5. St. Teresa was commanded by our Lord to ask Father Baltasar
Alvarez to make a meditation on Psalm xci. 6: "Quam magnificata
sunt opera Tua." The Saint obeyed, and the meditation was made.
From that moment, as F. Alvarez afterwards told Father de Ribera
(Life of St. Teresa, i. ch. vii.), there was no further
hesitation on the part of the Saint's confessor.
6. Juana de Ahumada, wife of Juan de Ovalle.
7. The money was a present from her brother, Don Lorenzo de
Cepeda; and the Saint acknowledges the receipt of it, and
confesses the use made of it, in a letter to her brother, written
in Avila, Dec. 31, 1561 (De la Fuente).
8. One day, she went with her sister--she was staying in her
house--to hear a sermon in the church of St. Thomas. The zealous
preacher denounced visions and revelations; and his observations
were so much to the point, that there was no need of his saying
that they were directed against St. Teresa, who was present.
Her sister was greatly hurt, and persuaded the Saint to return to
the monastery at once (Reforma, i. ch. xlii. § 1).
9. St. Luke ix. 58: "Filius autem hominis non habet ubi
caput reclinet."
10. Pius IV., on Dec. 5, 1562, (Bouix). See ch. xxxix. § 19.
11. Ch. xxxii. § 14.
12. See ch. xxvii. § 7.
13. "Nuestro Señor," "our Lord," though inserted in the printed
editions after the word "God," is not in the MS., according to
Don V. de la Fuente.
14. Don Alvaro de Mendoza, Bishop of Avila, afterwards
of Palencia.
15. See ch. xxxvi. § 15; Way of Perfection, ch. v. § 10;
Foundations, ch. xxxi. § 1.