The Saint Resumes the History of Her Life. Aiming at Perfection.
Means Whereby It May Be Gained. Instructions for Confessors.
1. I shall now return to that point in my life where I broke
off, [1] having made, I believe, a longer digression than I need
have made, in order that what is still to come may be more
clearly understood. Henceforth, it is another and a new book,--I
mean, another and a new life. Hitherto, my life was my own; my
life, since I began to explain these methods of prayer, is the
life which God lived in me,--so it seems to me; for I feel it to
be impossible that I should have escaped in so short a time from
ways and works that were so wicked. May our Lord be praised, who
has delivered me from myself!
2. When, then, I began to avoid the occasions of sin, and to give
myself more unto prayer, our Lord also began to bestow His graces
upon me, as one who desired, so it seemed, that I too should be
willing to receive them. His Majesty began to give me most
frequently the grace of the prayer of quiet, and very often that
of union, which lasted some time. But as, in these days, women
have fallen into great delusions and deceits of Satan, [2] I
began to be afraid, because the joy and sweetness which I felt
were so great, and very often beyond my power to avoid. On the
other hand, I felt in myself a very deep conviction that God was
with me, especially when I was in prayer. I saw, too, that I
grew better and stronger thereby.
3. But if I was a little distracted, I began to be afraid, and to
imagine that perhaps it was Satan that suspended my
understanding, making me think it to be good, in order to
withdraw me from mental prayer, hinder my meditation on the
Passion, and debar me the use of my understanding: this seemed to
me, who did not comprehend the matter, to be a grievous loss but,
as His Majesty was pleased to give me light to offend Him no
more, and to understand how much I owed Him, this fear so grew
upon me, that it made me seek diligently for spiritual persons
with whom I might treat of my state. I had already heard of
some; for the Fathers of the Society of Jesus had come
hither; [3] and I, though I knew none of them, was greatly
attracted by them, merely because I had heard of their way of
life and of prayer; but I did not think myself fit to speak to
them, or strong enough to obey them; and this made me still more
afraid; for to converse with them, and remain what I was, seemed
to me somewhat rude.
4. I spent some time in this state, till, after much inward
contention and fear, I determined to confer with some spiritual
person, to ask him to tell me what that method of prayer was
which I was using, and to show me whether I was in error. I was
also resolved to do everything I could not to offend God; for the
want of courage of which I was conscious, as I said before, [4]
made me so timid. Was there ever delusion so great as mine, O my
God, when I withdrew from good in order to become good!
The devil must lay much stress on this in the beginning of a
course of virtue; for I could not overcome my repugnance.
He knows that the whole relief of the soul consists in conferring
with the friends of God. Hence it was that no time was fixed in
which I should resolve to do this. I waited to grow better
first, as I did before when I ceased to pray, [5]--and perhaps I
never should have become better; for I had now sunk so deeply
into the petty ways of an evil habit,--I could not convince
myself that they were wrong,--that I needed the help of others,
who should hold out a hand to raise me up. Blessed be Thou, O
Lord!--for the first hand outstretched to me was Thine.
5. When I saw that my fear was going so far, it struck
me--because I was making progress in prayer--that this must be a
great blessing, or a very great evil; for I understood perfectly
that what had happened was something supernatural, because at
times I was unable to withstand it; to have it when I would was
also impossible. I thought to myself that there was no help for
it, but in keeping my conscience pure, avoiding every occasion
even of venial sins; for if it was the work of the Spirit of God,
the gain was clear; and if the work of Satan, so long as I strove
to please, and did not offend, our Lord, Satan could do me little
harm; on the contrary, he must lose in the struggle.
Determined on this course, and always praying God to help me,
striving also after purity of conscience for some days, I saw
that my soul had not strength to go forth alone to a perfection
so great. I had certain attachments to trifles, which, though
not very wrong in themselves, were yet enough to ruin all.
6. I was told of a learned ecclesiastic, [6] dwelling in this
city, whose goodness and pious life our Lord was beginning to
make known to the world. I contrived to make his acquaintance
through a saintly nobleman [7] living in the same place.
This latter is a married man; but his life is so edifying and
virtuous, so given to prayer, and so full of charity, that the
goodness and perfection of it shine forth in all he does: and
most justly so; for many souls have been greatly blessed through
him, because of his great gifts, which, though his condition of a
layman be a hindrance to him, never lie idle. He is a man of
great sense, and very gentle with all people; his conversation is
never wearisome, but so sweet and gracious, as well as upright
and holy, that he pleases everybody very much with whom he has
any relations. He directs it all to the great good of those
souls with whom he converses and he seems to have no other end in
view but to do all he may be permitted to do for all men, and
make them content.
7. This blessed and holy man, then, seems to me, by the pains he
took, to have been the beginning of salvation to my soul.
His humility in his relations with me makes me wonder; for he had
spent, I believe, nearly forty years in prayer,--it may be two or
three years less,--and all his life was ordered with that
perfection which his state admitted. His wife is so great a
servant of God, and so full of charity, that nothing is lost to
him on her account, [8]--in short, she was the chosen wife of one
who God knew would serve Him so well. Some of their kindred are
married to some of mine. Besides, I had also much communication
with another great servant of God, married to one of my
first cousins.
8. It was thus I contrived that the ecclesiastic I speak of, who
was so great a servant of God, and his great friend, should come
to speak to me, intending to confess to him, and to take him for
my director. When he had brought him to speak to me, I, in the
greatest confusion at finding myself in the presence of so holy a
man, revealed to him the state of my soul, and my way of prayer.
He would not be my confessor; he said that he was very much
occupied: and so, indeed, he was. He began with a holy
resolution to direct me as if I was strong,--I ought to have been
strong, according to the method of prayer which he saw I
used,--so that I should in nothing offend God. When I saw that
he was resolved to make me break off at once with the petty ways
I spoke of before, [9] and that I had not the courage to go forth
at once in the perfection he required of me, I was distressed;
and when I perceived that he ordered the affairs of my soul as if
I ought to be perfect at once, I saw that much more care was
necessary in my case. In a word, I felt that the means he would
have employed were not those by which my soul could be helped
onwards; for they were fitted for a soul more perfect than mine;
and though the graces I had received from God were very many, I
was still at the very beginning in the matter of virtue and
of mortification.
9. I believe certainly, if I had only had this ecclesiastic to
confer with, that my soul would have made no progress; for the
pain it gave me to see that I was not doing--and, as I thought,
could not do--what he told me, was enough to destroy all hope,
and make me abandon the matter altogether. I wonder at times how
it was that he, being one who had a particular grace for the
direction of beginners in the way of God, was not permitted to
understand my case, or to undertake the care of my soul. I see
it was all for my greater good, in order that I might know and
converse with persons so holy as the members of the Society
of Jesus.
10. After this, I arranged with that saintly nobleman that he
should come and see me now and then. It shows how deep his
humility was; for he consented to converse with a person so
wicked as I was. He began his visits, he encouraged me, and told
me that I ought not to suppose I could give up everything in one
day; God would bring it about by degrees: he himself had for some
years been unable to free himself from some very slight
imperfections. O humility! what great blessings thou bringest to
those in whom thou dwellest, and to them who draw near to those
who possess thee! This holy man--for I think I may justly call
him so--told me of weaknesses of his own, in order to help me.
He, in his humility, thought them weaknesses; but, if we consider
his state, they were neither faults nor imperfections; yet, in my
state, it was a very great fault to be subject to them.
11. I am not saying this without a meaning, though I seem to be
enlarging on trifles; but these trifles contribute so much
towards the beginning of the soul's progress and its flight
upwards, though it has no wings, as they say; and yet no one will
believe it who has not had experience of it; but, as I hope in
God that your reverence will help many a soul, I speak of it
here. My whole salvation depended on his knowing how to treat
me, on his humility, on the charity with which he conversed with
me, and on his patient endurance of me when he saw that I did not
mend my ways at once. He went on discreetly, by degrees showing
me how to overcome Satan. My affection for him so grew upon me,
that I never was more at ease than on the day I used to see him.
I saw him, however, very rarely. When he was long in coming, I
used to be very much distressed, thinking that he would not see
me because I was so wicked.
12. When he found out my great imperfections, they might well
have been sins, though since I conversed with him I am somewhat
improved,--and when I recounted to him, in order to obtain light
from him, the great graces which God had bestowed upon me, he
told me that these things were inconsistent one with another;
that these consolations were given to people who had made great
progress, and led mortified lives; that he could not help being
very much afraid--he thought that the evil spirit might have
something to do in my case; he would not decide that question,
however, but he would have me carefully consider my whole method
of prayer, and then tell him of it. That was the difficulty: I
did not understand it myself, and so I could tell him nothing of
my prayer; for the grace to understand it--and, understanding it,
to describe it--has only lately been given me of God.
This saying of his, together with the fear I was in, distressed
me exceedingly, and I cried; for certainly I was anxious to
please God, and I could not persuade myself that Satan had
anything to do with it. But I was afraid, on account of my great
sins, that God might leave me blind, so that I should
understand nothing.
13. Looking into books to see if I could find anything there by
which I might recognise the prayer I practised, I found in one of
them, called the Ascent of the Mount, [10] and in that part of it
which relates to the union of the soul with God, all those marks
which I had in myself, in that I could not think of anything.
This is what I most dwelt on--that I could think of nothing when
I was in prayer. I marked that passage, and gave him the book,
that he, and the ecclesiastic mentioned before, [11] saint and
servant of God, might consider it, and tell me what I should do.
If they thought it right, I would give up that method of prayer
altogether; for why should I expose myself to danger, when, at
the end of nearly twenty years, during which I had used it, I had
gained nothing, but had fallen into a delusion of the devil?
It was better for me to give it up. And yet this seemed to me
hard; for I had already discovered what my soul would become
without prayer. Everything seemed full of trouble. I was like a
person in the middle of a river, who, in whatever direction he
may turn, fears a still greater danger, and is well-nigh drowned.
This is a very great trial, and I have gone through many like it,
as I shall show hereafter; [12] and though it does not seem to be
of any importance, it will perhaps be advantageous to understand
how the spirit is to be tried.
14. And certainly the affliction to be borne is great, and
caution is necessary, particularly in the case of women,--for our
weakness is great,--and much evil may be the result of telling
them very distinctly that the devil is busy with them; yea,
rather, the matter should be very carefully considered, and they
should be removed out of reach of the dangers that may arise.
They should be advised to keep things secret; and it is
necessary, also, that their secret should be kept. I am speaking
of this as one to whom it has been a sore trouble; for some of
those with whom I spoke of my prayer did not keep my secret, but,
making inquiries one of another, for a good purpose, did me much
harm; for they made things known which might well have remained
secret, because not intended for every one and it seemed as if I
had made them public myself. [13]
15. I believe that our Lord permitted [14] this to be done
without sin on their part, in order that I might suffer. I do
not say that they revealed anything I discussed with them in
confession; still, as they were persons to whom, in my fears, I
gave a full account of myself, in order that they might give me
light, I thought they ought to have been silent. Nevertheless, I
never dared to conceal anything from such persons. My meaning,
then, is, that women should be directed with much discretion;
their directors should encourage them, and bide the time when our
Lord will help them, as He has helped me. If He had not, the
greatest harm would have befallen me, for I was in great fear and
dread; and as I suffered from disease of the heart, [15] I am
astonished that all this did not do me a great deal of harm.
16. Then, when I had given him the book, and told the story of my
life and of my sins, the best way I could in general,--for I was
not in confession, because he was a layman; yet I gave him
clearly to understand how wicked I was,--those two servants of
God, with great charity and affection, considered what was best
for me. When they had made up their minds what to say,--I was
waiting for it in great dread, having begged many persons to pray
to God for me, and I too had prayed much during those days,--the
nobleman came to me in great distress, and said that, in the
opinion of both, I was deluded by an evil spirit; that the best
thing for me to do was to apply to a certain father of the
Society of Jesus, who would come to me if I sent for him, saying
I had need of him; that I ought, in a general confession, to give
him an account of my whole life, and of the state I was in,--and
all with great clearness: God would, in virtue of the Sacrament
of Confession, give him more light concerning me; for those
fathers were very experienced men in matters of spirituality.
Further, I was not to swerve in a single point from the counsels
of that father; for I was in great danger, if I had no one to
direct me.
17. This answer so alarmed and distressed me, that I knew not
what to do--I did nothing but cry. Being in an oratory in great
affliction, not knowing what would become of me, I read in a
book--it seemed as if our Lord had put it into my hands--that
St. Paul said, God is faithful; [16] that He will never permit
Satan to deceive those who love Him. This gave me great
consolation. I began to prepare for my general confession, and to
write out all the evil and all the good: a history of my life, as
clearly as I understood it, and knew how to make it, omitting
nothing whatever. I remember, when I saw I had written so much
evil, and scarcely anything that was good, that I was exceedingly
distressed and sorrowful. It pained me, also, that the nuns of
the community should see me converse with such holy persons as
those of the Society of Jesus; for I was afraid of my own
wickedness, and I thought I should be obliged to cease from it,
and give up my amusements; and that if I did not do so, I should
grow worse: so I persuaded the sacristan and the portress to tell
no one of it. This was of little use, after all; for when I was
called down there was one at the door, as it happened, who told
it to the whole convent. But what difficulties and what terrors
Satan troubles them with who would draw near unto God!
18. I communicated the whole state of my soul to that servant of
God [17] and he was a great servant of His, and very prudent.
He understood all I told him, explained it to me, and encouraged
me greatly. He said that all was very evidently the work of the
Spirit of God; only it was necessary for me to go back again to
my prayer, because I was not well grounded, and had not begun to
understand what mortification meant,--that was true, for I do not
think I knew it even by name,--that I was by no means to give up
prayer; on the contrary, I was to do violence to myself in order
to practise it, because God had bestowed on me such special
graces as made it impossible to say whether it was, or was not,
the will of our Lord to do good to many through me. He went
further, for he seems to have prophesied of that which our Lord
afterwards did with me, and said that I should be very much to
blame if I did not correspond with the graces which God bestowed
upon me. It seems to me that the Holy Ghost was speaking by his
mouth in order to heal my soul, so deep was the impression he
made. He made me very much ashamed of myself, and directed me by
a way which seemed to change me altogether. What a grand thing
it is to understand a soul! He told me to make my prayer every
day on some mystery of the Passion, and that I should profit by
it, and to fix my thoughts on the Sacred Humanity only, resisting
to the utmost of my power those recollections and delights, to
which I was not to yield in any way till he gave me further
directions in the matter.
19. He left me consoled and fortified: our Lord came to my
succour and to his, so that he might understand the state I was
in, and how he was to direct me. I made a firm resolution not to
swerve from anything he might command me, and to this day I have
kept it. Our Lord be praised, who has given me grace to be
obedient to my confessors, [18] however imperfectly!--and they
have almost always been those blessed men of the Society of
Jesus; though, as I said, I have but imperfectly obeyed them.
My soul began to improve visibly, as I am now going to say.
1. At the end of ch. ix. The thirteen chapters interposed
between that and this--the twenty-third--are a treatise on
mystical theology.
2. She refers to Magdalene of the Cross (Reforma de los
Descalços, vol. i. lib. i. c. xix. § 2).
3. The college of the Society at Avila was founded in 1555; but
some of the Fathers had come thither in 1553 (De la Fuente).
4. Ch. vii. § 37.
5. Ch. xix. §§ 7, 8.
6. Gaspar Daza had formed a society of priests in Avila, and was
a very laborious and holy man. It was he who said the first Mass
in the monastery of St. Joseph, founded by 5t. Teresa, whom he
survived, dying Nov. 24, 1592. He committed the direction of his
priests to F. Baltasar Alvarez (Bouix). Juan of Avila acted much
in the same way when the Jesuits settled in Avila (De la Fuente).
7. Don Francisco de Salcedo. After the death of his wife, he
became a priest, and was chaplain and confessor of the Carmelite
nuns of St. Joseph. For twenty years of his married life he
attended regularly the theological lectures of the Dominicans, in
the house of St. Thomas. His death took place Sept. 12, 1580,
when he had been a priest for ten years (St. Teresa's Letters,
vol. iv. letter 43, note 13: letter 368, ed. of De la Fuente).
8. Doña Mencia del Aguila (De la Fuente, in a note on letter 10,
vol. ii. p. 9, where he corrects himself,--having previously
called her Mencia de Avila).
9. § 4.
10. Subida del Monte Sion, by a Franciscan friar, Bernardino de
Laredo (Reforma, vol. i. lib. i. c. xix. § 7).
11. § 6.
12. See ch. xxv. § 18.
13. See ch. xxviii. § 18.
14. See Relation, vii. § 17.
15. See ch. iv. § 6.
16. 1 Cor. x. 13: "Fidelis autem Deus est, qui non patietur vos
tentari supra id quod potestis."
17. F. Juan de Padranos, whom St. Francis de Borja had sent in
1555, with F. Fernando Alvarez del Aguila, to found the house of
the Society in Avila (De la Fuente). Ribera, i. 5, says he heard
that F. Juan de Padranos gave in part the Exercises of
St. Ignatius to the Saint.
18. See Relation, i. § 9.