The Graces She Received in Prayer. What We Can Do Ourselves.
The Great Importance of Understanding What Our Lord Is Doing
for Us. She Desires Her Confessors to Keep Her Writings Secret,
Because of the Special Graces of Our Lord to Her, Which They Had
Commanded Her to Describe.
1. I used to have at times, as I have said, [1] though it used to
pass quickly away--certain commencements of that which I am going
now to describe. When I formed those pictures within myself of
throwing myself at the feet of Christ, as I said before, [2] and
sometimes even when I was reading, a feeling of the presence of
God would come over me unexpectedly, so that I could in no wise
doubt either that He was within me, or that I was wholly absorbed
in Him. It was not by way of vision; I believe it was what is
called mystical theology. The soul is suspended in such a way
that it seems to be utterly beside itself. The will loves; the
memory, so it seems to me, is as it were lost; and the
understanding, so I think, makes no reflections--yet is not lost:
as I have just said, it is not at work, but it stands as if
amazed at the greatness of the things it understands; for God
wills it to understand that it understands nothing whatever of
that which His Majesty places before it.
2. Before this, I had a certain tenderness of soul which was very
abiding, partially attainable, I believe, in some measure, by our
own efforts: a consolation which is not wholly in the senses, nor
yet altogether in the spirit, but is all of it the gift of God.
However, I think we can contribute much towards the attaining of
it by considering our vileness and our ingratitude towards
God--the great things He has done for us--His Passion, with its
grievous pains--and His life, so full of sorrows; also, by
rejoicing in the contemplation of His works, of His greatness,
and of the love that He bears us. Many other considerations
there are which he who really desires to make progress will often
stumble on, though he may not be very much on the watch for them.
If with this there be a little love, the soul is comforted, the
heart is softened, and tears flow. Sometimes it seems that we do
violence to ourselves and weep; at other times, our Lord seems to
do so, so that we have no power to resist Him. His Majesty seems
to reward this slight carefulness of ours with so grand a gift as
is this consolation which He ministers to the soul of seeing
itself weeping for so great a Lord. I am not surprised; for the
soul has reason enough, and more than enough, for its joy. Here
it comforts itself--here it rejoices.
3. The comparison which now presents itself seems to me to be
good. These joys in prayer are like what those of heaven must
be. As the vision of the saints, which is measured by their
merits there, reaches no further than our Lord wills, and as the
blessed see how little merit they had, every one of them is
satisfied with the place assigned him: there being the very
greatest difference between one joy and another in heaven, and
much greater than between one spiritual joy and another on
earth--which is, however, very great. And in truth, in the
beginning, a soul in which God works this grace thinks that now
it has scarcely anything more to desire, and counts itself
abundantly rewarded for all the service it has rendered Him.
And there is reason for this: for one of those tears--which, as I
have just said, are almost in our own power, though without God
nothing can be done--cannot, in my opinion, be purchased with all
the labours of the world, because of the great gain it brings us.
And what greater gain can we have than some testimony of our
having pleased God? Let him, then, who shall have attained to
this, give praise unto God--acknowledge himself to be one of His
greatest debtors; because it seems to be His will to take him
into His house, having chosen him for His kingdom, if he does not
turn back.
4. Let him not regard certain kinds of humility which exist, and
of which I mean to speak. [3] Some think it humility not to
believe that God is bestowing His gifts upon them. Let us
clearly understand this, and that it is perfectly clear God
bestows His gifts without any merit whatever on our part; and let
us be grateful to His Majesty for them; for if we do not
recognize the gifts received at His hands, we shall never be
moved to love Him. It is a most certain truth, that the richer
we see ourselves to be, confessing at the same time our poverty,
the greater will be our progress, and the more real our humility.
5. An opposite course tends to take away all courage; for we
shall think ourselves incapable of great blessings, if we begin
to frighten ourselves with the dread of vain-glory when our Lord
begins to show His mercy upon us. [4] Let us believe that He Who
gives these gifts will also, when the devil begins to tempt us
herein, give us the grace to detect him, and the strength to
resist him--that is, He will do so if we walk in simplicity
before God, aiming at pleasing Him only, and not men. It is a
most evident truth, that our love for a person is greater, the
more distinctly we remember the good he has done us.
6. If, then, it is lawful, and so meritorious, always to remember
that we have our being from God, that He has created us out of
nothing, that He preserves us, and also to remember all the
benefits of His death and Passion, which He suffered long before
He made us for every one of us now alive--why should it not be
lawful for me to discern, confess, and consider often that I was
once accustomed to speak of vanities, and that now our Lord has
given me the grace to speak only of Himself?
7. Here, then, is a precious pearl, which, when we remember that
it is given us, and that we have it in possession, powerfully
invites us to love. All this is the fruit of prayer founded on
humility. What, then, will it be when we shall find ourselves in
possession of other pearls of greater price, such as contempt of
the world and of self, which some servants of God have already
received? It is clear that such souls must consider themselves
greater debtors--under greater obligations to serve Him: we must
acknowledge that we have nothing of ourselves, and confess the
munificence of our Lord, Who, on a soul so wretched and poor, and
so utterly undeserving, as mine is,--for whom the first of these
pearls was enough, and more than enough,--would bestow greater
riches than I could desire.
8. We must renew our strength to serve Him, and strive not to be
ungrateful, because it is on this condition that our Lord
dispenses His treasures; for if we do not make a good use of
them, and of the high estate to which He raises us, He will
return and take them from us, and we shall be poorer than ever.
His Majesty will give the pearls to him who shall bring them
forth and employ them usefully for himself and others. For how
shall he be useful, and how shall he spend liberally, who does
not know that he is rich? It is not possible, I think, our
nature being what it is, that he can have the courage necessary
for great things who does not know that God is on his side; for
so miserable are we, so inclined to the things of this world,
that he can hardly have any real abhorrence of, with great
detachment from, all earthly things who does not see that he
holds some pledges for those things that are above. It is by
these gifts that our Lord gives us that strength which we through
our sins have lost.
9. A man will hardly wish to be held in contempt and abhorrence,
nor will he seek after the other great virtues to which the
perfect attain, if he has not some pledges of the love which God
bears him, together with a living faith. Our nature is so dead,
that we go after that which we see immediately before us; and it
is these graces, therefore, that quicken and strengthen our
faith. It may well be that I, who am so wicked, measure others
by myself, and that others require nothing more than the verities
of the faith, in order to render their works most perfect; while
I, wretched that I am! have need of everything.
10. Others will explain this. I speak from my own experience, as
I have been commanded; and if what I say be not correct, let
him [5] to whom I send it destroy it; for he knows better than I
do what is wrong in it. I entreat him, for the love of our Lord,
to publish abroad what I have thus far said of my wretched life,
and of my sins. I give him leave to do so; and to all my
confessors, also,--of whom he is one--to whom this is to be sent,
if it be their pleasure, even during my life, so that I may no
longer deceive people who think there must be some good in
me. [6] Certainly, I speak in all sincerity, so far as I
understand myself. Such publication will give me great comfort.
11. But as to that which I am now going to say, I give no such
leave; nor, if it be shown to any one, do I consent to its being
said who the person is whose experience it describes, nor who
wrote it. This is why I mention neither my own name, nor that of
any other person whatever. I have written it in the best way I
could, in order not to be known; and this I beg of them for the
love of God. Persons so learned and grave as they are [7] have
authority enough to approve of whatever right things I may say,
should our Lord give me the grace to do so; and if I should say
anything of the kind, it will be His, and not mine--because I am
neither learned nor of good life, and I have no person of
learning or any other to teach me; for they only who ordered me
to write know that I am writing, and at this moment they are not
here. I have, as it were, to steal the time, and that with
difficulty, because my writing hinders me from spinning. I am
living in a house that is poor, and have many things to do. [8]
If, indeed, our Lord had given me greater abilities and a better
memory, I might then profit by what I have seen and read; but my
abilities are very slight. If, then, I should say anything that
is right, our Lord will have it said for some good purpose; that
which may be wrong will be mine, and your reverence will strike
it out.
12. In neither case will it be of any use to publish my name:
during my life, it is clear that no good I may have done ought to
be told; after death, there is no reason against it, except that
it will lose all authority and credit, because related of a
person so vile and so wicked as I am. And because I think your
reverence and the others who may see this writing will do this
that I ask of you, for the love of our Lord, I write with
freedom. If it were not so, I should have great scruples, except
in declaring my sins: and in that matter I should have none at
all. For the rest, it is enough that I am a woman to make my
sails droop: how much more, then, when I am a woman, and a
wicked one?
13. So, then, everything here beyond the simple story of my life
your reverence must take upon yourself--since you have so pressed
me to give some account of the graces which our Lord bestowed
upon me in prayer--if it be consistent with the truths of our
holy Catholic faith; if it be not, your reverence must burn it at
once--for I give my consent. I will recount my experience, in
order that, if it be consistent with those truths, your reverence
may make some use of it; if not, you will deliver my soul from
delusion, so that Satan may gain nothing there where I seemed to
be gaining myself. Our Lord knows well that I, as I shall show
hereafter, [9] have always laboured to find out those who could
give me light.
14. How clear soever I may wish to make my account of that which
relates to prayer, it will be obscure enough for those who are
without experience. I shall speak of certain hindrances, which,
as I understand it, keep men from advancing on this road--and of
other things which are dangerous, as our Lord has taught me by
experience. I have also discussed the matter with men of great
learning, with persons who for many years had lived spiritual
lives, who admit that, in the twenty-seven years only during
which I have given myself to prayer--though I walked so ill, and
stumbled so often on the road--His Majesty granted me that
experience which others attain to in seven-and-thirty, or
seven-and-forty, years; and they, too, being persons who ever
advanced in the way of penance and of virtue.
15. Blessed be God for all, and may His infinite Majesty make use
of me! Our Lord knoweth well that I have no other end in this
than that He may be praised and magnified a little, when men
shall see that on a dunghill so foul and rank He has made a
garden of flowers so sweet. May it please His Majesty that I may
not by my own fault root them out, and become again what I was
before. And I entreat your reverence, for the love of our Lord,
to beg this of Him for me, seeing that you have a clearer
knowledge of what I am than you have allowed me to give of
myself here.
1. The Saint interrupts her history here to enter on the
difficult questions of mystical theology, and resumes it in
ch. xxiii.
2. Ch. ix. § 4.
3. Ch. xxx. §§ 10 and 11.
4. See ch. xiii. § 5.
5. F. Pedro Ybañez, of the Order of St. Dominic.
6. See ch. xxxi. § 17.
7. See ch. xv. § 12.
8. See ch. xiv. § 12.
9. See ch. xxiv. § 5.