No. IX.--PARISH COUNCILS.
(_Scene and Persons as usual._)
_Inquirer_ (_to himself, as he reads his paper_). Well, I'm dashed!
What the blue blazes does all this stuff mean?
_First Well-informed Man_ (_to_ Second W. I. M., _in a tone of pitying
good-humour, mixed with conscious superiority_). He's got started on
his usual morning puzzle.
_Inquirer_ (_with asperity_). Oh, it's all very well for you two chaps
to sneer. You're both older than I am, and, as you've been about more,
you ought to know more. Anyhow, I like to find out about things, and,
when I don't know, I ask those who do.
_First W. I. M._ (_not unkindly_). Well, well, never mind all that.
You know I don't mind telling you anything. I really didn't mean to
sneer. What's your difficulty?
_Inquirer._ It's all about this Parish Councils Bill.
_First W. I. M._ What about it?
_Inquirer_ (_hopelessly_). What does it mean? What _is_ a Parish
Councils Bill?
_First W. I. M._ Oh, well, you know, a Parish Councils Bill
is----well, it's a Bill for giving Parish Councils.
_Inquirer._ Yes--but whom are they going to give them to?
_First W. I. M._ Why, to the Parishes, of course.
_Inquirer._ Ah! (_Continues reading. A puzzled frown settles on his
face._) But why can't the Parishes make their own Councils, without
all this fuss in Parliament? Couldn't every Parish simply say, "I'm
going to have a Council," and just start it straight away?
_First W. I. M._ My dear fellow, you know nothing can be done without
an Act of Parliament.
_Inquirer._ But they call this a Bill, not an Act.
_First W. I. M._ It's only another way of saying the same thing. A
Bill or an Act--it's all one.
_Second W. I. M._ No, it isn't.
_First W. I. M._ I'll lay you a couter it is.
_Second W. I. M._ Done!
_First W. I. M._ Well, what do _you_ (_withering emphasis_) say is the
difference?
_Second W. I. M._ When the House of Commons brings anything in, it's a
Bill, and when the House of Lords does it, it's an Act. Pay up!
_First W. I. M._ Not I. That's precisely what I meant, only you
wouldn't give me time to say it. Why, that's the A B C of politics.
_Second W. I. M._ Seems to take a lot of learning, anyway.
[_A pause._
_Inquirer_ (_returning to his point_). But look here. What have they
brought the Parish Councils Bill in for? I thought we'd all got County
Councils all over the place.
_First W. I. M._ (_slapping him warmly on the back_). My dear chap,
you've just hit the nail plumb on the right head. That's what I've
said all along. The whole country's being simply ruined with all these
blessed Councils. Every man will have to be his own Council before
long, if they go on making Councils at this rate.
_Second W. I. M._ Well, anyhow, your beautiful Conservative
Government, that you were so dashed proud of, started the business.
_First W. I. M._ (_indignantly_). I deny it.
_Second W. I. M._ Deny away. Perhaps you'll tell me that Lord
BEACONSFIELD didn't set the County Councils going?
_First W. I. M._ Ah, but those were quite different County Councils.
Why, they weren't even called Councils; they were called Boards.
_Second W. I. M._ They may _have_ been called Boards, but they're
called Councils now, and that's enough for me. Anyhow, don't you see
(_furtively consults newspaper and quotes_) that "Parish Councils
are the logical and necessary development of the scheme of County
Government left imperfect by the Conservatives"?
_First W. I. M._ No. I don't see it at all.
_Second W. I. M._ Well, then, how do you propose to root the
agricultural population in the soil? You must admit----
_First W. I. M._ I don't admit anything--at least, I won't until you
tell me how a Parish Council is going to root anybody, let alone an
agricultural labourer, in anything. There's too much mollycoddling of
these agricultural labourers, that's what I say.
_Second W. I. M._ (_doggedly_). You're always talking about
agricultural depression and hard times for those that live on the
land, and you won't lift a finger to help them when you get the
chance. If we give these chaps Parish Councils, they can all get
allotments, and then of course (_quotes again_) "we shall multiply the
productive power of the land tenfold."
_First W. I. M._ What have allotments got to do with Parish Councils?
_Second W. I. M._ Everything.
_First W. I. M._ (_triumphant_). Then how do you account for my
Uncle's coachman having an allotment at this very moment? He's had it
for years, long before anybody even heard of Parish Councils.
_Second W. I. M._ That exactly proves my point. It's just because he
_isn't_ an agricultural labourer that he's been able to get it. What
we want to do is to level up.
_Inquirer._ But there aren't any agricultural labourers in my parish;
at least, I never heard of any. How are they going to manage about
that?
_Second W. I. M._ They'll send you some from somewhere else. That's
what they call migration.
_Inquirer._ I thought birds did that.
[_Terminus._
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