All those who had Done Time at a certain endowed Institution for
shaping and polishing Highbrows had to close in once a Year for a
Banquet. They called it a Banquet because it would have been a Joke
to call it a Dinner.
The Invitations looked like real Type-Writing and called upon all the
Loyal Sons of Old Bohunkus to dig up 3 Sesterces and get ready for a
Big Night.
To insure a Riot of spontaneous Gaiety the following Organization was
effected:
Committee on Invitation.
Committee on Reception.
Committee on Lights and Music.
Committee on Speakers.
Committee on Decorations.
Committee on Police Protection.
Committee on First Aid to Injured.
Committee on Maynew.
Committee on Liquid Nourishment.
Each Committee held numerous Meetings, at the Call of the Chairman, and
discussed the impeding Festivities with that solemn regard for piffling
Detail which marked the Peace Conference at The Hague.
The Frolic was to be perpetrated at a Hotel famous for the number of
Electric Lights.
The Hour was to be 6:30, Sharp, so that by 6:45, four old Grads, with
variegated Belshazzars, were massed together in the Egyptian Room
trying to fix the Date upon which Doctor Milo Lobsquosset became
Emeritus Professor of Saracenic Phlobotomy.
Along about 7:30, a Sub-Committee wearing Satin Badges was sent
downstairs to round up some recent Alumni who were trying to get a
Running Start, and at 7:45 a second Detachment was sent out to find
the Rescue Party.
Finally at 8 o'clock the glad Throng moved into the Main Banquet Hall,
which was a snug Apartment about the size of the Mammoth Cave of
Kentucky, done in Gold and various shades of Pink, to approximate the
Chambermaid's Dream of Paradise. The style of Ornamentation was that
which precipitated the French Revolution.
Beside each Plate was a blond Decoction named in honor of the Martini
Rifle, which is guaranteed to kill at a Distance of 2,000 Yards. The
compounding had been done in a Churn early that morning and the
Temperature was that of the Room, in compliance with the Dictates of
Fashion.
Those who partook of the Hemlock were given Courage to battle with the
Oysters. These came in Sextettes, wearing a slight Ptomaine Pallor.
On the 20th Proximo they had said good-bye to their Friends in
Baltimore and for Hours they had been lying naked and choked with
thirst in their little Canoes and now they were to enter the great
Unknown, without pity from the Votaries of Pleasure.
Luckily the Consomme was not hot enough to scald the Thumbs of the
jovial Stevedores who had been brought in as Extras, so the Feast
proceeded merrily, many of the Participants devoting their spare
Moments to bobbing for Olives or pulling the Twine out of the Celery.
The Fish had a French Name, having been in the Cold Storage Bastile
for so long. Each Portion wore a heavy Suit of Armor, was surrounded
by Library Paste and served as a Tee for two Golf Balls billed as
Pommes de Terre.
It was a regular Ban-quet, so, there was not getting away from Filet
de Biff aux Champignons. It was brought on merely to show what an
American Cook with a Lumber-Camp Training could do to a plain slice of
Steer after reading a Book written by a Chef.
Next, in accordance with honored Traditions, a half-melted Snowball
impregnated with Eau de Quinine.
Just about the time that the White Vinegar gave way to the Aniline Dye,
a nut headed Swozzie, who could get into Matteawan without Credentials,
moved down the Line of Distinguished Guests asking for Autographs.
His Example was followed by 150 other Shropshires, so that for the next
30 Minutes the Festal Chamber resembled the Auditing Department of a
large Mercantile Establishment.
During this Period, the Department of Geology in the University was
honored by the appearance of a genuine petrified Quail. And the Head
Lettuce carried the Personal Guarantee of the Goodyear Rubber Co.
Between the Rainbow Ice Cream and the Calcareous Fromage, a member of
the class of '08, who could not Sing, arose and did so.
Then each Guest had to take a Tablespoonful of Cafe Noir and two
Cigars selected by a former Student who had promised his Mother never
to use Tobacco.
It was now 10 o'clock and time to go Home. Those who had started to
tune up along in the Afternoon were dying on the Vine. Others, who
had tried to catch even on the $3 Ticket, felt as if they had been
loaded with Pig Iron. Up at the Long Table enough Speakers to supply a
Chautauqua Circuit were feeling of themselves to make sure that the
Manuscript had not been lost. Each thought that he was the Orator of
the Evening.
The Committee had put on the Toast Program every one who might possibly
take Offense at not being Asked.
Also they had selected as Toastmaster a beaming Broncho whose Vocal
Chords were made of seasoned Moose-Hide and who remembered all the
black-face Gravy that Billy Rice used to lam across to Lew Benedict
when Niblo's Garden was first opened.
After every 30-minute Address he would spend ten minutes in polite
kidding of the Last Speaker and then another 10 Minutes in climbing
a Mountain Height from which to present the Next Speaker.
Along about Midnight the Cowards and Quitters began crawling out of
Side Doors, but most of the Loyal Sons of Old Bohunkus propped
themselves up and tried to be Game.
Before 1 o'clock a Member of the Faculty put them on the Ropes with
40 Minutes on projected Changes in the Curriculum.
At 1:30 the Toastmaster was making Speech No. 8 and getting ready to
spring the Oldest Living Graduate.
Protected by all the Gray Hair that was left to him, he began to
Reminisce, going back to the Days when it was considered a Great Lark
to put a Cow in the Chapel.
The Toastmaster arrived home at 3 A. M. and aroused his Wife to tell
her that it had been a Great Success.
MORAL: If they were paid $3 a Head to stand for it, no one would attend.