one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why,
yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our
reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in
vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish
_to repentance_."
MDCLXXXV.--PROSINESS.
A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a
stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really
thought he should have _died_ with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you
had," was Jerrold's reply.
MDCLXXXVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.
MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the
commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was
applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to
the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be
paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in
which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary
and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards
_to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!"
MDCLXXXVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.
AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one
morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came
up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on
the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "_What's the
matter_?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied,
"_No matter, Berkeley_."
MDCLXXXVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.
A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had
_brass_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have
_sauce_ enough to fill it."
MDCLXXXIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.
DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for
him, received the following:
"_Here lies Fuller's earth_!"
MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.
SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal
invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord,
if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all
night_." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked
his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the
reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes
_larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them
_smaller_ than the other!"
MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.
AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its
quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical
_naïveté_: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a
pig can require_?"
MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.
IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and
Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the
anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can
fire and water produce but a _hiss_?"
MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.
LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very
much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a
degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must _eat a peck of
dirt_ before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no
one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog."
MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.
(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)
THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has,
'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).
MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.
DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke
loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical
against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of
me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was
present, "unless you know what people _say in the other world_."
MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.
A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the
difference between _exportation_ and _transportation_. "Why, my dear,"
he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, _you_
would be _exported_, and _I_ should be _transported_!"
MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.
A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed
person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have
lost," says the first; "I can see the _two_ eyes in your face, and you
can see only _one_ in mine."
MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.
SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has
not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt
illustrious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an
O than our family; for, in truth, we _owe_ everybody."
MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.
SAID Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool,
Get out of my way, do you hear?"
Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule
I'm much _in your way_ as I fear."
MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.
THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting
Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself!
"Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to
meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but
said, "_he was engaged with him elsewhere_."
MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.
A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the
rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance;
and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church,
"Rather for the _steeple_," replied the royal humorist.
MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.
LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was
married to a gamester, replied, "that _cards and brimstone_ made the
best matches."
MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.
THE reigning _bore_ at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his
favorite subject the _North Pole_. One day the arch tormentor met
Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole.
Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him,
exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly
after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North
Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what
Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing,
absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more
than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the
_Equator_."
MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.
SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round
it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I
took it for a _meeting of the clergy_, and was delighted of course."
MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.
WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go,
The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."
At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,
For from grammar I learned _No_ and _No_ stood for _Yes_.
MDCCVI.--THE RULING PASSION.
A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn
out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist
rubbing her temples with Hungary water, _as it would make her hair
gray_!
MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.
A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning,
was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast
with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will _not
digest_."
MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.
THOSE who wish to tax anything containing _intelligence_, must be
actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they
are not likely to feel _the burden_.
MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts,
and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "_It will be long
enough before I get another_," answered the student. The reply tickled
the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed
laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him
what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied
reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he
answered, _it will be a long time before I get another_."--"Well,
there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the
professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have
been something in _the way he said it_."
MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.
WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the
kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The
true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her
country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's
very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several
times _all over grease_!"--"They may tell you what they please above or
below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover
in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a _fib_," says Foote, "for I have
myself seen you at _Spithead_!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the
exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."
MDCCXI.--_L'Envoy_.
THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE,
that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.
DINNER CODE.
_Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights._
Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as
long as the meal, and ends with it.
Art. 2.--It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his
guests.
Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the
females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two,
which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.
_His Duties._
Art. 1.--Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches
with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to
his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the
vigorous appetite.
Art. 2.--He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.
Art. 3.--He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale
jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his
best security against a violation of this _article_.
Art. 4.--The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should
never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.
Art. 5.--On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over
the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by
it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.
_Of the Guests._
Art. 1.--The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at
whatever inconvenience to himself.
Art. 2.--When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil
way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that
of which he has just partaken.
Art. 3.--A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a
conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is
a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be
inconsiderately distracted.
Art. 4.--Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even
in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a _dinde aux truffes_.
Art. 5.--An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the
Amphitryon.
Art. 6.--A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during
the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as
long as digestion.
Art. 7.--To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the
person of his cook.
Art. 8.--A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who
deserts.
_On Vicinity to Ladies._
Art. 1.--He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her _cavaliere
servente_. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as
over his own.
Art. 2.--The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in
the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey
the recommendations of her knight on this subject.
Art. 3.--It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness
during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be
complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the
dessert.
_On Vicinity to Men._
Art. 1.--When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each
other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,--the
_last_ offer becomes an error after one refusal.
Art. 2.--On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any
precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool
the plate in question for both parties.
Art. 3.--If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast
must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.
Art. 4.--Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to
converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them
is inviting the other to dinner.
Art. 5.--Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more
wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each
other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"
_On Vicinity to Children._
Single Article.--The only course to be pursued, if you have the
misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is to make him tipsy as
quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.
_On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism._
Art. 1.--The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the
articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his
gayety upon the people who sit round it.
Art. 2.--By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine _à la
Russe_) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.
Art. 3.--A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little
sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when
serving himself _last_, serve himself also the _best_.
Art. 4.--Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to
some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly
for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,--merely out of
politeness to her.
Art. 5.--The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing:
never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.
INDEX.
PAGE
A. I, 33
Abbey Church at Bath, The, 244
A Bed of--Where?, 238
Abernethy, Mr., 77
Above Proof, 297
Absent Man, An, 116
Absurdly Logical, 319
Acceptable Deprivation, An, 201
Accommodating, 213
Accommodating Physician, An, 180
Accommodating Principles, 153
Accurate Description, 201
Acres and Wiseacres, 355
Act of Justice, An, 147
Actor, 222
Advantageous Tithe, An, 255
Advertisement, Extraordinary, 88
Advice Gratis, 160
Advice to a Dramatist, 199
Advice to the Young, 138
Affectation, 98
Affectionate Hint, An, 344
Aged Young Lady, The, 235
Agreeable and not Complimentary, 71
Agreeable Practice, An, 248
Agricultural Experiences, 184
Alere Flamman, 252
A-Liquid, 140
Allegorical Representation, 310
All the Difference, 5, 367
All the Same, 314
Almanac-makers, 159
Alone in his Glory, 14
Always the Better, 336
Amende Honorable, The, 310
American Penance, 217
Ample Apology, An, 356
Anecdote, An, 86
Anglo-French Alliance, The, 50
Angry Ocean, The, 81
Answered at Once, 288
Answering her According to her Folly, 345
Anticipated Calamity, An, 349
Anticipation, 110
Any Change for the Better, 220
Any Port in a Storm, 57
Apish Resemblance, An, 322
Apt Reproof, An, 307
Arcadia, 24
Arcadian, An, 128
Architectural Pun, An, 61
Argument, An, 125
Artificial Heat, 28
Artistic Touch, An, 171
As Black as he could be painted, 337
Aspiring Poverty, 345
Assurance and Insurance, 228
As You Like It, 87
At his Fingers' Ends, 106
Attending to a Wish, 169
Attic Jest, An 69
Attired to Tire, 343
Audley, The Late Lord, 130
Auricular Confession, 227
Awkward Orthography, 298
"Aye! There's the Rub", 93
BACK-HANDED HIT, A, 209
Bacon, 138
Bad Bargain, A, 131
Bad Company, 166
Bad Crop, A, 18, 58
Bad Customer, A, 96
Bad End, A, 153
Bad Example, A, 1
Bad Habit, 136
Bad Harvest, A, 23
Bad Judge, A, 287
Bad Label, A, 92
Bad Lot, A, 182
Bad Medium, A, 217
Bad Pen, A, 72
Bad Preacher, A, 226
Bad Shot, A, 12
Bad Sport, 146
Balance, A, 233
Balancing Accounts, 66
Banker's Check, A, 17
Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, 305
Bark and Bite, 231
Barry's Powers of Pleasing, 34
Base Joke, A, 347
Base One, A, 97
Bearable Pun, A, 358
Bear and Van, 16
Bearding a Barber, 2
Benefit of Competition, 212
Best Judge, The, 110
Best Wine, The, 193
Better Known than Trusted, 193
Betting, 155
Bewick, the Engraver, 194
Bill Paid in Full, 228
Billy Brown and the Counsellor, 50
Birth of a Prince, The, 178
Bishop and Churchwarden, A, 71
Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, 55
Bit of Moonshine, A, 335
Black and White, 19
Black Joke, A, 159
Black Letter, 101
Black Oils, 18
Blowing a Nose, 55
Book Case, A, 70
Boswell's "Life of Johnson", 154
Braham and Kenney, 237
Bred on the Boards, 162
Brevity, 81
Brevity of Charity, 215
Brief Correspondence, 179
"Brief Let It Be", 210
Bright and Sharp, 63
Bright Rejoinder, A, 346
Bringing his Man Down, 245
Broad-brim Hint, A, 81
Broad Hint, A, 85, 165
Broad-Sheet Hint, A, 75
Broken Head, A, 98
Brotherly Love, 46, 300
Brutal Affections, 67
Budget of Blunders, A, 141
Buried Worth, 56
Burke and Fox, 258
Burke's Tediousness, 270
Business and Pleasure, 326
Busy Bodies, 124
But one Good Translation, 358
Byron Libellous, 342
CABAL, A, 31
Calculation, 105
Calculation, A, 265
Caledonian Comfort, 99
Calf's Head Surprised, 25
Caliban's Looking-glass, 51
Calumny, 220
Cambridge Etiquette, 76
Candid Counsel, A, 156
Candid on both Sides, 222
Candle and Lantern, The, 125
Candor, 73
Canine Poetry, 169
Canning's Parasites, 71
Capital Joke, A, 56
Capital Letter, A, 14
Cap This, 26
Carrots Classically Considered, 222
Cart before the Horse, The, 60
Case of Necessity, A, 189
Cash Payments, 149
Catching him Up, 70
Cause and Effect, 226, 344
Cause of Absence, 40
Cause, The, 158
Cautious Lover, A, 108
Celestial Vision, A, 351
Certain Crop, A, 208
Certainly not Asleep, 109
Certainty, A, 83
Challenging a Jury, 107
Change for a Guinea, 337
Change for the Better, A, 197
Changing Hats, 280
Changing his Coat, 3
Changing his Line, 39
Characteristics, 237
Charitable Wit, 195
Charity and Inconvenience, 326
Charity begins at Home, 312
Charles, Duke of Norfolk, 271
Charles II. and Milton, 192
Chartist not a Leveller, A, 334
Chatham, Lord, 263
Cheap at the Money, 209
Cheap Cure, A, 17
Cheap Watch, A, 168
Check to the King, 22
Cheese and Dessert, 21
Chemical Oddity, 322
Chesterfield, Lord, 37
Chin-Surveying, 280
Choice of Evils, A, 334
Choice Spirits, 180
Church in the Way, The, 246
City Glutton, 358
City Love, 36
City Varnish, A, 61
Claim on the Country, A, 249
Classical Wit, 333
Claw and Claw, 54
Clear Case, A, 122
Clear the Court, 118
Clearing Emigrants, 272
Clerical Wit, 95
Clever Dog, A, 47
Climax, A, 19, 341
Clonmel, Lord, 172
Close Escape, A, 187
Close Translation, A, 317
Closer, A, 313
Coat-of-Arms, A, 211
Cockney Epigram, A, 36
Cold Comfort, 132
"Cold" Compliment, A, 73
Coleridge and Thelwall, 275
College Bell! The, 109
Collins, The late Mr., 24
Colonial Breweries, 313
Colorable Excuse, A, 179
Colorable Resemblance, A, 145
Come of Age, 9
Comedian and a Lawyer, A, 190
Common Case, A, 64
Common Politeness, 195
Common Want, A, 219
Comparative Virtue, 357
Comparison, A, 152, 234, 273
Comparisons are Odious, 2
Complimentary, 4, 362
Compliment, Elegant, 32
Compliment Ill-received, A, 78
Computation, 22
Conceited, but not Seated, 201
Con-cider-ate, 139
Concurrent Events, 134
Conditional Agreement, 315
Confidence, 103, 120
Confidence--taken from the French, 193
Confirmed Invalid, A, 1
Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, 85
Conjugal Caution, 8
Conjugal Conclusion, A, 282
Connoisseur, The, 7
Connubial Compliment, A, 365
Conservative Logic, 300
Considerable Latitude, 44
Considerate Mayor, A, 292
Considerate Son, A, 89
Consistency, 179
Constancy, 245
Constitutional Pun, A, 4
Contraband Scotchman, 67
Convenient Theory, A, 358
Convert, A, 4
Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, 158
Cooking his Goose, 315
Cool as a Cucumber, 356
Cool Hand, A, 85
Cool Proposition, A, 299
Cool Retort, 208
Corporation Politeness, 219
Corruptly Incorruptible, 172
Couleur de Rose, 58
Coulson, Sir Thomas, 232
Credit, 269
Critical Politeness, 30
Criticising a Statue, 152
Critics, 60
Cromwell, 228
Cruel Case, A, 229
Cruel Suggestion, 68
Cup and Saucer, 200
Cut and Come Again, 51
Cut Direct, The, 124
Cut Infernal, The, 103
Cutting, 360
Cutting an Acquaintance, 253
Cutting his Coat, 57
Cutting off the Supplies, 310
Cutting on both Sides, 69
DAMPED ARDOR, 240
Dancing Prelates, The, 226
Dangerous Generalization, A, 243
Dead Language, 110
Deadly Weapon, A, 288
Dear Bargain, A, 323
Dear Speaker, A, 319
Death and Dr. Bolus, 335
Death-bed Forgiveness, 323
Debt Paid, The, 77
Debtor and Creditor, 126
Decanting Extraordinary, 168
Defining a Creed, 335
Degeneracy, 129
Delicate Hint, 130
Delpini's Remonstrance, 144
Democratic Vision, 80
Deserved Retort, A, 64
Destitution of the Smith Family, 351
Devil's Own, The, 229
Dialogue, A, 16
Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, 279
Dido, 86
Difference, A, 4
Difference of Opinion, 277
Difficult Task, A, 188
Difficulties in either Case, 318
Diffidence, 185
Dilemma, A, 168
Dinner Code, 368
Direct Road, The, 197
Disappointing Subscriber, A, 194
Disapprobation, 45
"Distant" Friend, A, 259
Distant Prospect, A, 16
Distressful Denouement, A 300
Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, 285
Doctor Weather-eye, 59
Doctrine of Chances, The, 15
Dodging a Creditor, 136
Dogged Answer, A, 10
Dog-matic, 27
Dogmatism, 221
Dog Tax, The, 352
Doing Homage, 223
Domestic Economy, 92
Done for, 352
Donne, Dr., 362
Double Knock, A, 116
Double Sight, 365
"Double Times," A, 88
Doubt Explained, The, 353
Doubtful Compliment, A, 31
Doubtful Creed, A, 105
Dreadful Suspicion, A, 328
Drinking Alone, 174
Driving it Home, 113
Droll to Order, 322
Drop, A, 306
Dry, but not Thirsty, 350
Dry Fellow, A, 227
Dry Humor, 337
Dull Man, A, 274
Dulness of a Debate, 162
Dunning and Lord Mansfield, 39
Dunning and Lord Thurlow, 97
Duplex Movement, 58
Dutiful Daughter, A, 309
EARLY BIRDS OF PREY, 261
Early Habits, 342
Easily Answered, 135
Easily Satisfied, 164
East Indian Chaplaincy, An, 245
Easy as Lying, 29
Easy Way, An, 302
Ebenezer Adams, 150
Effort of Memory, An, 163
Elegant Compliment, 32
Elegant Retort, 205
Elliston and George IV., 240
Eloquent Silence, 117
Emperor of China, 48
Empty Gun, The, 113
Empty Head, An, 92
Encouragement, 216
Endless Task, An, 351
Entering the Lists, 236
Entertaining Proposition, An, 318
Envy, 238