came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling
mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after
him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then
you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care
of me for your own sake_."
MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.
A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of
his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice,
"I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir,"
said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able
to tell ye, for we're _just trying to settle that point_."
MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.
CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was
familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never
comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned
counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend,"
said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh
without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the
judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a
_contingent remainder_ without any particular _estate_ to support it."
MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.
ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney
Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I
hope you will not _disagree_ with the man who eats you!"
MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.
"MY dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
But man and wife are _one_, you know;
And when _alone_ I'm weary!"
MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.
CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he
could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening
his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the
advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of
Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the
least thirsty."--"It _is_ very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for
every one agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."
MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.
AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in,
in malice."
MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.
CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused
by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of
resuming _nisi prius_ business, said: "I had been under full sail to
fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I
have been only bearing up under _jury_-masts."
MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.
LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the
hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the
encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My
Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend,
the guinea is for _bringing me back_, not for taking me out."
MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."
A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will
dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of
law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I
will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then,"
suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I
_lend_, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, _that will do_," eagerly
rejoined the miser.
MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.
WHO seeks to please all men each way,
And not himself offend,
He may begin his work to-day,
But who knows when he'll end?
MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.
MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of
punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and
solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the
demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew
who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't
encourage one another."
MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.
QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than
men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of
Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_."
MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.
ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that,
being about to compile a history of distinguished families in
Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. "I regret,
sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so
valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have
invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_."
MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.
A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and
silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of
boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--_fatal
to parrots_."
MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.
WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him
for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a
bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North
Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and
liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from
Scotland_."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "_no more_ can the rest
of your countrymen."
MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.
TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in
a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what
it's for."--"Done," said the other. "_It is for sale_." The bet was
paid.
MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.
THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_
cannot be deemed _pot_ations."
MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.
BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has
the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold
remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about
town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_."
MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.
HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety _parsonified_."
MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.
ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an
attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade
in the country. "Why, do you _bury_ your attorneys here?" asked Foote.
"Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in
London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage,
then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room
over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the
morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement;
"what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know
is, there's _a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning_."
MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.
A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose
nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are
always making observations upon _my nose_; perhaps you think it was made
at the _expense_ of yours."
MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.
A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely
remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy _sight_ it
would be!"
MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.
A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear _rouge_. "I can give
you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for _one_ cheek."
MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.
BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had
occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity
of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were,
after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the
residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible
for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known
preservatives against ague; the one is, a _good deal of care_ and a
_little port wine_; the other, a _little care_ and a _good deal of port
wine_. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the
_latter_, it is at all events a remedy which _incumbents_ can afford
better than _curates_."
MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.
A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent,
said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with
proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with
William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon,
"they _found mine here_ when they comed."
MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.
A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to
send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird
answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will
no the world see _him_?"
MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.
IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for
himself without a _fee_, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea
out of one pocket and put it _into the other_.
MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.
WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a _pert_ young fellow
asked him what he would give to be as _young_ as he. "I would be
content," cried Foote, "to be as _foolish_." Jerrold made a similar
reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick.
"Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your
stomach."
MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.
ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many
things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a
dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in
counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after
destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave
it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I _can't_ make him."--"Nay,
Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done
more; instead of one pig, you have made a _litter_."
MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.
MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir
Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he
verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said
Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors _change_
Manners.'"
MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship
and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on
the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her
enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened
to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently
thought you better than _nun_."
MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.
A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to
prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth
open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is
_too short_, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."
MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.
A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one
should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed
property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a
_wise-acre_?"
MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.
TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their
expenses, agreed the one to _board_, and the other to _lodge_.
MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.
CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge:
the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen
struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the
elephant did not secure _an inside_ place."--"He was too late, my
friend," replied Canning; "he was detained _packing up his trunk_."
MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the
Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the
embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and
insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly _cold_ it was,"
said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you
know he is the, Duke of _Cu-cum-ber-land_."
MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.
A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors
commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a
good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who
resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied
the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong,
for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, _I found it
there_."
MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.
SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his
master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a
gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the
purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have
taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master _sends his
compliments_ to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."
MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.
FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under
his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play
elsewhere, as _one scraper at the door_ was sufficient.
MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.
A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the
_little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been
given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he,
"who are all _great rascals_."
MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.
DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the
Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning
conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom
very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain
of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in
a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked
constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he
desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a
valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince.
After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so
repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and
taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek
characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so
mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.
MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.
'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
Always abuses in his chatter:
He's truly such a thorough flat,
We can't expect to see him _flatter_.
MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.
AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a
distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "_I am in horrible
good health at present_."
MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.
AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "_Bear_
sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook,
"if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_."
MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.
THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his
promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a
great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great
deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due
solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a
high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not
take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy,
with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether
he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied
Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_
your face."
MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.
LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely
remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female assistants
were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "_plain_ cooks will
not do here."
MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.
AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the
hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a
hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts
down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private
concern, and what I gives is _nothing to nobody_."
MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.
DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend
bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but
everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!"
MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.
PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the
simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House
of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord
Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he
was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him,
"Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no
business _in this place_."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are
right; _honest men_ can have no business here."
MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.
SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the
_Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an
account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?"
asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book _before_
reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_."
MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.
ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was
returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that
"there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke
of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent
and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the
interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him
to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan
only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and
intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter;
though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would
give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_."
MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.
A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when
sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference
between a _shilling_ and _sixpence_."--"But you will, young gentleman,"
an old economist replied, "when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_."
MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.
DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of
Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a
_wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.
MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.
THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer
from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in
the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices
put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found
that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these
admonitory words, "Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved."
MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.
A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of
hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have
been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so
indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of
you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself
at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O,
Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the
trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me."
MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.
A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was
mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the
"scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."
MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.
A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town,
where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the
servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak
to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not
willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would
step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is
_gone out_ too," replied the girl.
MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.
"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend,
for _I have tried baith_."
MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.
WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of
Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those
who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial
for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr.
Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful
to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular
obligation to _you_ for the _very remarkable countenance_ you have
_shown_ me upon this occasion."
MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW
IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry
from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.
MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.
AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor
about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel
with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it
had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been
all over with me, if you had not charged with _government powder_!"
MDCLXXX.--PREFERMENT.
AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m,
during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than
the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives
than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One
morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus
addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop,
and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of
W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will
do_."
MDCLXXXI.--COMPLIMENTARY.
A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter
continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire.
"Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm
_responsible_ for the silver."
MDCLXXXII.--DR. DONNE.
DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and
noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great
asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money
from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him:
"John Donne, Anne Donne, _undone_." This quibble had the desired effect,
and the distressed couple were restored to favor.
MDCLXXXIII.--VULGARITY.
SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of
something, that it was _vulgar_, gave the young lady the following
temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you
know, after all, the meaning of this word _vulgar_? 'Tis only _common_;
nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of
in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be
disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth
having or caring about in this world is _uncommon_."
MDCLXXXIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.