reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very
often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally
employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the _spoils_ into the
_sound-holes_ of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a
quantity of gunpowder into B----'s instrument. The tea equipage being
removed, music became the order of the evening, and B---- dashed away at
Vanhall's 47th. B---- came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed,
and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place--_fit fragor_, and
bang went the fiddle to pieces.
DCCXCVIII.--READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.
WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying
down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on
the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:--
"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads
together, and there is the wood pavement."
This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.
DCCXCIX.--PROPER DISTINCTION.
AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain
D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many
minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in
no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which
the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient
haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he
was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. "That,"
replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a
_gentleman_, and you are a _blackguard_!"
DCCC.--GRACEFUL EXCUSE.
WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with
several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that
marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a
colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our
branch of the service?"--"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden
thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has _done its duty_ once, and
is ready to do it again."
DCCCI.--SLACK PAYMENT.
EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked,
"Did he not give you the coals, friend?"--"He did, sir, but--"--"But
what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment _slack_?"
DCCCII.--WAY OF USING BOOKS.
STERNE used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to
serve them as some people do lords, learn their _titles_ and then _brag_
of their acquaintance."
DCCCIII.--PATRICK HENRY.
WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the
American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp
Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed,
when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Cæsar had his
Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George III...."--"Treason!" cried
the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It
was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry
faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and
fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "_may profit
by their example_. If this be treason, make the most of it."
DCCCIV.--ROGERS--POET AND SKIPPER.
ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new
publications must often do as the flea does--_skip_.
DCCCV.--OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.
"IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the
English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just
to celebrate the event."
DCCCVI.--EPIGRAM.
WHEN by a jury one is tried,
Twelve of _his equals_ are implied;
Then W---- might attempt in vain,
This sacred privilege to obtain.
Since human nature ne'er on earth
Gave to _twelve equal_ scoundrels birth.
DCCCVII.--REFORMATION.
JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said
to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the
Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said
he, "what are you ruminating on?"--"A greater work than your lordship's
History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said
the Bishop. "The _reformation of myself_, my lord," answered the son.
DCCCVIII.--THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.
LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old
heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is
admirable.
Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not
being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father
had been a footman: _Here lies the last who died before the first of his
family!_ Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore,
who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur,
I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"
The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander
the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once
formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the
clan must have come!
DCCCIX.--EQUAL TO NOTHING.
ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had
little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're _equal to
it_!"
DCCCX.--FAMILIARITY.
A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late
Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as
follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to
the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after
noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said,
"Sam, this may be very well between _you and me_, but it will not do
with the Norfolks and Arundels."
DCCCXI.--EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.
AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages
against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a
compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle
the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear.
"I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's
no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little _warm ale_!"
DCCCXII.--MAC READY TO CALL.
IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his
staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of
the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house _Almack's_, "For,"
said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call _Mac_, you
will have a head popped out of every window."
DCCCXIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)
OF miracles this is _sans doute_ the most rare,
I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;
A man with abundance of _scents_ in his _hair_,
Without the least atom of _sense_ in his _head_.
DCCCXIV.--LOOK-A-HEAD.
A TORY member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the
hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing
elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the
_state of the poll_.
G. A'B.
DCCCXV.--THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.
JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a
prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.
DCCCXVI.--SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.
TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies,
inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it
was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was
delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a
personage."--"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"--"Yes:
she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in _your_
celebrated '_Almanac_' for the last five or six years!"
DCCCXVII.--BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.
MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune
nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between
them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."--Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."
DCCCXVIII.--MAN-TRAPS.
IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit
upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning
of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every
day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length
and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in
very large letters, the following: "_Tondapamubomenos set up in these
grounds_." It was perfectly a "patent safety."
DCCCXIX.--A COLORABLE EXCUSE.
A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I
can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you _uncover_ your face."
DCCCXX.--CONSISTENCY.
NO wonder Tory landlords flout
"Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain
With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
Must go against the grain.
DCCCXXI.--A WONDERFUL CURE.
DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having
quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to
admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that
Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of
tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be
from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he
had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "_broke_ his leg, and applied to me
for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with
the celebrated _tar-water_. Almost immediately the sailor felt the
beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg
was completely _healed_!" The letter was read, and discussed at the
meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of
opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the
restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country
practitioner:--"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of
the sailor was a _wooden leg_!"
DCCCXXII.--AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.
"IS there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person
who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know
what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very
well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to _take away all
that_."
DCCCXXIII.--CHOICE SPIRITS.
AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish
papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale _which
was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin_.
DCCCXXIV.--AN EXPLANATION.
YOUNG, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of
Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through
which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field
was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said
Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field _to bury_ strangers
in."
DCCCXXV.--IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.
LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and
Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail,
Sheridan at once presented her these lines,--
Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,
Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"
And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,
Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.
But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,
A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;
And should dirt its original purity hide,
'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.
DCCCXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.
A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity
courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you
are not so easily disposed of. One is _prussic acid_, and the other
_laudanum_."
DCCCXXVII.--IMPROMPTU.
COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked
which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The
_prompter_, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least _of him_."
DCCCXXVIII.--NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.
"WERE I but a _king_," said a country boy, "I would _eat_ my fill of fat
bacon, and _swing_ upon a gate all day long."
DCCCXXIX.--A FORGETFUL MAN.
WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.
Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
No wonder that he don't remember _me_;
Why so? you see he has forgot _himself_.
DCCCXXX.--REPUTATION.
REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.
DCCCXXXI.--AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.
IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss
Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't _master_ her, so he _missed_
her."
DCCCXXXII.--EPIGRAM.
THE jolly members of a toping club
Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
And in a close confederacy link
For nothing else, but only to hold drink.
DCCCXXXIII.--A BAD LOT.
THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased,
was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another
that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty,
considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was
the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few _causes_, and therefore
could not have many _effects_."
DCCCXXXIV.--FILIAL AFFECTION.
TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the
pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the
door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call _her a thief_ before she
calls you one."
DCCCXXXV.--LEG WIT.
ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was
stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up,
Erskine?"--"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"--"_His legs_,"
answered the wit.
DCCCXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.
"THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,
Although he was hearty last night;
'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,
The poor fellow died of affright."
DCCCXXXVII.--A SINECURE.
ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a
place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him,
were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of
the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a
_sinecure_ is: it's a place where there's _nothing to do_, and they _pay
you by the piece_."
DCCCXXXVIII.--A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.
BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never
hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be
to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called
upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates
of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the
Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he
had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his
assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to
the man, for I understand he preached _a kirk toom_ (empty) already, and
if he be as successful _in the jail_, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as
weel."
DCCCXXXIX.--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?
THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts,
and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of,
"Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"--"Sir," replied the
prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some
beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will
he _return_ do you think?"--"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly
satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."--"_Then let business
proceed_," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.
DCCCXL.--KNOWING BEST.
"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were
St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me
in."--"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better
for you that I had the keys of the _other_ place, for then I could let
_you out_."
DCCCXLI.--AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.
THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy
what was meant in the Catechism by _succoring_ his father and mother.
"_Giving on 'em milk_," was the prompt reply.
DCCCXLII.--PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.
IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was
summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from
the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost
_nonchalance_ he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly
observed, "that it was the _dirtiest_ house he had ever been in in his
life."
DCCCXLIII.--A STOP WATCH.
A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with
great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of
a friend who had _introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every
Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality_.
DCCCXLIV.--SIR ANTHONY MALONE.
LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his
fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some
years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his
profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no
person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that
had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied
to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no
less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention
of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself,
that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive
examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which
he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year.
Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to
purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his
principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript
was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with
it, which was regularly _charged to him by the clerk_. Sir Anthony then
went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and
never after that was possessed of a bad title.
DCCCXLV.--THE ORATORS.
TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;
Is there a day that asses do not speak?
DCCCXLVI.--MODERN ACTING.
JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky
voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,
_Jerrold._--"Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey!"
DCCCXLVII.--FEW FRIENDS.
A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at
Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom
he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going
round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's
hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck _one_ tin-penny out of your
coach, and I'll answer it will trait _all your friends_ in Athlone."
DCCCXLVIII.--DIFFIDENCE.
AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he
was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have _heard
the evidence_?"
DCCCXLIX.--"ESSAY ON MAN."
AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
At thirty, tame, if ever;
At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
At sixty, good, or never!
DCCCL.--IN-DOOR RELIEF.
A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping
but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O
no, I belong to _another_ parish."
DCCCLI.--HIGHLAND POLITENESS.
SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two
proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met
the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed
between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch."
To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."
DCCCLII.--AN ODD QUESTION.
COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of
whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to
him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where _you buy_
all your _dirty_ shirts."
DCCCLIII.--NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.
FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather
being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in
the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his
chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B---- pressed him to stay. "No,
no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me _have a
leg to stand on_; for there is so _little wood_ in your house, that I am
afraid one of your servants may light the fire with _my right leg_,"
which was his wooden one.
DCCCLIV.--NATURAL GRIEF.
ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so
much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed
tears."--"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without _paying_."
DCCCLV.--A PROVERB REVERSED.
EXAMPLE is better than precept they say,
With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;
For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,
We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.
DCCCLVI.--A CLOSE ESCAPE.
ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The
Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course
of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious
circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war,
along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were
summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the
conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death,
as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his
regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots,
without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then
bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put
into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed,
"I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in
my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And
what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"--"Why, I remember
saying to him, when they left us, '_D---- it, old fellow, never mind_!'"
But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from
the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose,
and the Captain was permitted to escape.
DCCCLVII.--A HARD HIT.
MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I
have _lost_ an eye."--"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray _at what
game_?"
DCCCLVIII.--THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.
SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he
saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you
mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing _turns upon
that_." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was
Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and _Passion_ week in the
parlor."
DCCCLIX.--MONEY'S WORTH.
A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by
writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it
to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the
bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the
author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to _sell my life as dearly
as possible_."
DCCCLX.--HIS WAY--OUT.
SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in
his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely
rude, "Sir, _it is my way_."--"Then," returned his indignant patient,
pointing to the door, "I beg you will _make that your way_!"
DCCCLXI.--A GROWL.
HE that's married once may be
Pardoned his infirmity.
He that marries twice is mad:
But, if you can find a fool
Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,--
Flog him, flog him back to school.
DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.