witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an _almanac-maker_; for
thou liest every day and all the year long."
DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.
A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of
colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men
with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"--"_Black as ever_," was the reply.
DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
"HE that will never look upon an ass,
Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."
DCCXXIX.--EXAGGERATION.
A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can
discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."--"I don't
see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it _running_."
DCCXXX.--WINNING A LOSS.
A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn
full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money,
made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in
the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat
the company."--"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a
sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the
swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and _treat_ the
company."
DCCXXXI.--ADVICE GRATIS.
ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant
Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of _law_ than of
_fact_, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not
quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, _for nothing_, what you
would not give him under _two guineas_."
DCCXXXII.--SHORT COMMONS.
AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice:
"Wanted, _two_ apprentices, who will be treated as _one_ of the family."
CCXXXIII.--LICENSED TO KILL.
WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick,
Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him
for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every
day, and why may not I?"--"Because," replied the satirist, "_you are not
qualified to kill game, and I am_."
CXXXIV.--WILKES AND LIBERTY.
WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him
thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his
abuse of the Royal family among you?"--"I do not at present know,"
replied he, dryly, "but I _am trying_."
DCCXXXV.--A PAT REPLY.
LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the
permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord
Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his
talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said
Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the _Rolls_, I care nothing for your
_butter_."
DCCXXXVI.--LORD NORTH ASLEEP.
HIS Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues
of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything
remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker
entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark,
he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to
build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering
premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived.
Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir
Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a _century or two_ more?"
DCCXXXVII.--RATHER SAUCY.
"YOU had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed
gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.
"I asked for what I thought you had _the most_ of," was the cutting
reply.
DCCXXXVIII.--LONG STORY.
A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied
to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its progress
from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into
the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how
long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty
minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to
_finish_ by the time he _returned_.
DCCXXXIX.--EUCLID REFUTED.
(A part is not equal to the whole.--Axiom.)
THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,
Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;
'Tis plain _one sixteenth part_ of Brougham's sense,
Equals the _whole_ possessed by L--d--d--y.
DCCXL.--BRED ON THE BOARDS.
WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion,
had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of
strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's
V----, he was bred on these boards!"--"He looks as though he'd been cut
out of them," replied Jerrold.
DCCXLI.--ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.
NO wonder the debate fell dead
'Neath such a constant fire of lead.
DCCXLII.--PAINTING.
A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his
performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you
want nothing but _poverty_ to become a very excellent painter."
DCCXLIII.--OLD AGE.
A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then
intervals of gayety: some person observed, "_he resembles an old castle
which is sometimes visited by spirits_."
DCCXLIV.--AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.
"WOULD you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to
study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."--"His _memory_ is evidently
not so good as yours," replied B.
DCCXLV.--A READY RECKONER.
A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was
accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he
declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank
off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when
demand of payment was made for the whiskey.
"Sure, and haven't I _given_ ye the loaf for the whiskey?"
"Well, but you did not _pay_ for the loaf, you know."
"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I _didn't take_ the loaf, man
alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a
brown study.
DCCXLVI.--A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.
MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had
frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham,
and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, _Brough-am_.
"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the
carriage a _Bro'am_, it will save the time of the court," said Lord
Campbell, with a smile.
Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word
during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum
up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the
Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its
orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very
respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for
such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss--" The loud laughter which ensued,
and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the
sentence.
DCCXLVII.--TRUE POLITENESS.
SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro
who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to
salute a slave?"--"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a
man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."
DCCXLVIII.--A RAKE'S ECONOMY.
WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends,
My savings are complete;
I light the candle at both ends,
And thus make both ends meet.
DCCXLIX.--EASILY SATISFIED.
A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a
violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in _earnest_.
"Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned
away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such _jests_."
DCCL.--PERT.
MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the
former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very
merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin.
"No, sir," said Foote, "pray, _do you_?"
DCCLI.--A ROYAL MUFF.
THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William
IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on
the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a
butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.--'Nice
pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.--'Pretty fair,' was my
reply.--'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to
Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's
boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with
a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a _muff_!'"
DCCLII.--A BROAD HINT.
AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case
being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the question,
"Would an action lie?"--"Yes, if the witnesses would _lie_ too, but not
otherwise."
DCCLIII.--A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.
A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he
is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste,
eh?"
"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"
DCCLIV.--"THE LAST WAR."
MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which
preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it
"the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He
took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was
interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,--the last war but
one."--"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising
his sonorous voice,--"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish
_to remember_." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an
universal cheering, long and loud.
DCCLV.--THE PHILANTHROPIST.
JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was
called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself
so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to
get rid of the reputation."
DCCLVI.--TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.
ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles
constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal
to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the
barbarous condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said
a native, "but if the quality of it be rather _infairior_, we give _good
measure_ of it, anyhow."
DCCLVII--BAD COMPANY.
AT the time that the bubble schemes were _flourishing_, in 1825, Mr.
Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of
those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to
partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be
defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he,
"you will have nothing but _bubble and squeak_ in a short time."
DCCLVIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On the King's double dealing.)
OF such a paradox as this,
Before I never dreamt;
The King of England has become,
A _subject_ of contempt!!!
DCCLIX.--PAINTING.
A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the
lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that
painting I think myself _deaf_."
DCCLX.--NIL NISI, ETC.
A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it
very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house,
"don't you like the beer?"--"It is not to be found fault with," answered
the other; "for one should never speak ill of the _dead_."
DCCLXI.--ODD FORESIGHT.
LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a _pretty_ pattern for a
nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a
nightcap?"--"O! child," said she, "you know, in _case of fire_!"
DCCLXII.--"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.
A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been
known to shed a tear except when _Macheath_, in the "Beggar's Opera,"
got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung
beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."--"If you try it, my lord,"
replied Curran, "it's sure _to be hung_."
DCCLXIII.--GENERAL WOLFE.
GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he
was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he
to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed,
he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said
_General_ Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude,
"we never say _General_ Alexander, or _General_ Cæsar." Wolfe, who was
within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the
pleasure he felt at the high compliment.
DCCLXIV.--A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.
AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,
Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,
"I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;
"Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."
Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:
As a bridge it can only be tried by _its piers_."
DCCLXV.--A NOISE FOR NOTHING.
WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining
with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the
fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as
caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the
accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the
plates?"--"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"--"Not one!" exclaimed
Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise _for
nothing_!"
DCCLXVI.--SHORT MEASURE.
SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag
wrote underneath, "_Two-thirds_ of the truth."
DCCLXVII.--DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.
THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very
drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your
_book-seller_."
DCCLXVIII.--A DILEMMA.
WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners
sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now,
beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly,
those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too
loud, I shall _wake_ the chief man in the parish."
DCCLXIX.--HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.
A BROW austere, a circumspective eye,
A frequent shrug of the _os humeri_,
A nod significant, a stately gait,
A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,
A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,--
Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:
Then rest assured that those of little sense
Will deem you, sure, _a man of consequence_.
DCCLXX.--A CHEAP WATCH.
A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to
him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The
watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing
than its original cost."--"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will
even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on
the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you _two_."
DCCLXXI.--SCOTCH WUT.
A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it,
and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."--"Did ye," said John;
"wull ye haud my horse, sir?"--"Certainly," said the laird, and away
rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back,
nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna
find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad
ha' wondered if ye had, for it's _ten years_ sin' I saw him gang in
there."
DCCLXXII.--ATTENDING TO A WISH.
"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage
manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying _as little_ as I
can!" was the calm reply.
DCCLXXIII.--A MECHANICAL SURGEON.
A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was
nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a
ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off
his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately
called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no
surgeon,--_a carpenter! a carpenter_!"
DCCLXXIV.--CANINE POETRY.
A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--
"This collar don't belong to you, sir,
Pass on--or you may have one too, sir."
The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon
whose collar was inscribed:--
"I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"
DCCLXXV.--FOOTIANA.
FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to
the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at
_Cork_. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many _drawings_ of
it."
DCCLXXVI.--NIGHT AND MORNING.
AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a
very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family
were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over
in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat
anything during _the night_!"
DCCLXXVII.--FULL INSIDE.
CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his
seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in
and politely asked, "All full inside?"--"I don't know how it may be,
sir, with the _other_ passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece
of oyster-pie did the business for _me_."
DCCLXXVIII.--A SHORT JOURNEY.
AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to
the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a
mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation,
exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this
before; what shall we do?"--"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't
expect to _go out_ of this town."
DCCLXXIX.--A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.
DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a
horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who,
as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there
(while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of
remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again _address me_, Sir W----, I
shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him,
and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly
too.
DCCLXXX.--EPIGRAM.
CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,
"What reason can be given,
Since marriage is a holy thing,
That there are none in Heaven?"
"There are no women," he replied.
She quick returns the jest,--
"Women there are, but I'm afraid
They cannot find a priest."
DCCLXXXI.--AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.
WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who
accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to
throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of _hostility_ to
the Church Establishment?"
DCCLXXXII.--VALUE OF APPLAUSE.
SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors,
as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us
_breath_."
DCCLXXXIII.--LITTLE TO GIVE.
A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in
company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own
way."--"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's _all_ I have to
_give them_."
DCCLXXXIV.--A GOOD SWIMMER.
A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at
swimming, vowed that he would never _enter_ the water again until he was
a complete master of the art.
[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]
DCCLXXXV.--NO PRIDE.
A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being
elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at
last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office
were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited
outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was
unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the
armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his
friends, lifting up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, _supposing_
I'm a deacon, mind, I can be _spoken_ to at ony time."
DCCLXXXVI.--LORD CLONMEL.
THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a
shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a
_good one_. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he
used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon
by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as
shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. _Is
this a good shilling?_ Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this
your name and handwriting?"
DCCLXXXVII.--QUEER PARTNERS.
JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a
young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live!
there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.
DCCLXXXVIII.--CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.
CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be
corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all
turned thieves."--"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."--"Mivert!"
exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."--"Therefore _he
cannot be corrupted_, your majesty," answered Sidney.
DCCLXXXIX.--EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.
ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain,
Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.
But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,
Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring,
St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone,
And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."
DCCXC.--GOOD AUTHORITY.
HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a
partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr.
Tooke, you will have all the _blackguards_ with you to-day."--"I am
delighted to hear it, sir, and from such _good_ authority."
DCCXCI.--LUXURIOUS SMOKING.
"THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young
Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted
pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked
it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the
proper _taste_ restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of
its wants.'"
DCCXCII.--NO JUDGE.
A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a
particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to
reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere
_toss-up_." "But _heads_ seldom win," observed a learned barrister,
sitting behind him.
DCCXCIII.--RELATIONS OF MANKIND.
BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected
together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support
by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a
shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.--S.S.
DCCXCIV.--VERY TRUE.
SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law
an "_ars bablativa_."
DCCXCV.--EPIGRAM.
(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)
THE Whigs, because they rat and change
To Toryism, all must spurn;
Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,
That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.
DCCXCVI.--DRINKING ALONE.
THE author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his
arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have
apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round
_so_ often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being
asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without
assistance?" answered, "No--not quite that--I had the _assistance_ of a
bottle of Madeira."
DCCXCVII.--A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.