Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
The watch kept time; and if time will away,
I see no reason why the watch should stay.
You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.
DCIV.--PERFECT DISCONTENT.
AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy
depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang
it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she
wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."
DCV.--A BAD BARGAIN.
A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be
in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding
payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I
should be _in your debt_ for the _remainder_; how can that be if I _pay_
it?"
DCVI.--A PIOUS MINISTER.
IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example
to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the
commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the
Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do
_no manner of work_.
DCVII.--STERNE.
SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to
physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne;
"but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not
deal in _scruples_."
DCVIII.--WHO'S THE FOOL?
MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following
anecdote:--
Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale
several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he,
moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for
him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make
out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his
Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied,
"Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who
will never come back."--"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"--"Then
I shall erase _your_ name and insert _theirs_."
DCIX.--COLD COMFORT.
A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the
judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O,
tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go
before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."
DCX.--A GREAT DIFFERENCE.
"THE friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided
into two very distinct classes,--the a-bility and the no-bility."
DCXI.--OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.
KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the
other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called _Ignoramus_, an ingenious
thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford
was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made
his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one _Sleep_ made him
_wake_, and in Oxford one _Wake_ made him _sleep_.
DCXII.--INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.
GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,
And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
"She died of _milk and water on the brain_."
DCXIII.--STRANGE JETSUM.
A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of
small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of
such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he
supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking
voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was _wrecked_ hereabout
somewhere."
DCXIV.--THE TRUTH AT LAST.
A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival
paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at
Wit."
DCXV.--A PILL GRATIS.
A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance,
said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."--"Very likely," remarked
his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to _employ you_ in that
capacity?"
DCXVI.--RATHER HARD.
WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large
mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have
found it _hard_ to have been assailed with his _own constituents_.
DCXVII.--SCOTCH PENETRATION.
AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great
Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by
the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the
authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my
_ain_ groats in ither folk's kail?"
DCXVIII.--A QUESTION OF TIME.
WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he
was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present
employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will _excuse_ me this
_fault_, I promise, if I live, to mend it."
DCXIX.--EPIGRAM.
(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)
---- ----'S discourses from his _heart_
Proceed, as everybody owns;
And thus they prove the poet's art,
Who says that "sermons are in _stones_."
DCXX.--CONCURRENT EVENTS.
A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that
he had _lost_ all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time,
sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I _lost_ all my large estate in
Yorkshire."
DCXXI.--A GOOD EXCUSE.
AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally
in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had
taken _all_ the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.
DCXXII.--SHORT AND SHARP.
"WHY, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company
with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not
see you before."
"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among
six copper pennies,--not easily perceived, but worth the _whole_ of
them."
DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.
SAYS Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"
Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The _Lie of the Day_!"
"Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we _act the same_;
But to cozen the town we adopt a _new name_;
For that _Vortigern's_ Shakespeare's we some of us say,
Which you very well know is a _lie_ of the day."
DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.
LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's
early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and
Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he
paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"--"I
_never_ heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.
DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."
A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to _ignore_ a bill.
"Write _Ignoramus for self and fellows_ on the back of it," said Curran.
DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.
DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an
excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All
wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr.
Wharton, then at Winchester school:--
If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.
DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.
A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had
met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards
he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he
returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me
something?"--"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I _give_
you the _hint_?"
DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.
A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox
twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.
DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.
WHEN Dido mourned, Æneas would not come,
She wept in silence, and was _Di-Do-Dumb_.
DCXXX.--DODGING A CREDITOR.
A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of
Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose
his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said
Sheridan. "Do you think so?"--"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The
creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted
round the corner, and was _out of sight_ in a moment.
DCXXXI.--BAD HABIT.
SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never
effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or
suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a
moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion _literatim_. Sir
Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding
the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for
extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the
disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that
the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the
Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting
behind him, jocularly whispered, "_and be whipped at the cart's
tail_."--"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick
unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.
DCXXXII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.
KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in
a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who
was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir,
whose _fault_ is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.
DCXXXIII.--THE LETTER H.
SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness
whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be
bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his
self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,--a portly,
overdressed person,--and Scarlett took him in hand.
_Q._ Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?
_A._ Yes.
_Q._ You are a stock-broker?
_A._ I _ham_!
Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And
a very fine, well-dressed _ham_ you are, sir?"
The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the
witness, and the counsel's point was gained.
DCXXXIV.--TRUTH AND RHYME.
IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to
respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the
bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow
(who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton)
had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the
bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said
to Barrow,--
"_Quid est fides_?" (What is faith?)
"_Quod non vides_" (What thou dost not see),
answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little
vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,--
"_Quid est spes_?" (What is hope?)
"_Magna res_" (A great thing),
replied the young candidate in the same breath.
"_Quid est charitas_?" (What is charity?)
was the next question.
"_Magna raritas_" (A great rarity),
was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a
precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the
bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give
rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he
believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow,
Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of
the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he
is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to _examine us than
we him_." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.
DCXXXV.--A GOOD TRANSLATION.
"PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."
Thus translated--
"There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:
Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."
DCXXXVI.--MAD QUAKERS.
A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of
greater importance than any _other_ mad person of the same degree in
life.
DCXXXVII.--BACON.
A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to
him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a _reprieve_.
To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be
_Bacon_ till he had first been _hung_."
DCXXXVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.
SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,
Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."
DCXXXIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.
JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to
see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the
shutters before there is something in the window."
DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.
JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his
acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l.,
as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe,
"here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak
to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they
might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe
went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His
lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My
lord, here are two men who have such great _scruples of conscience_,
that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so,
calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow
morning, and _I will satisfy you_." The men bowed, and went away
pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt
and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his
lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of
conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have _no scruples_. We
are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines,
for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us
to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed
were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.
DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.
SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it
was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should
not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no _periods_ to
their works."
DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.
LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax,
in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he
stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said,
"Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not
let me linger; I see you have _not faggots enough_." This good-humored
speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.
DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.
THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of
the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced
to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.
DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.
PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a
loss for _something_ to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass
mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another,
without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he
inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only _a-liquid_!"
answered Porson.
DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.
THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table
between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street,
Strand, where he resided:--
_J.S._--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,
And ten dark coal barges are moored:
Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
For there's _craft_ in the river, and _craft_ in the
street."
_Sir G.R._--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,
From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
For the attorneys are _just_ at the top of the street,
And the barges are _just_ at the bottom."
DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.
JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In
the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's
foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send
the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied,
"and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When
this you see, remember me.'"
DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.
THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On
a masquerade night, he asked Foote what _new_ character he should go in.
"Go sober!" said Foote.
DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.
DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been
caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the
time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and
ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm
dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr.
Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be _dry
eneuch_ when ye get into the _pu'pit_."
DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.
A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society,
being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly
answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond
of rum; for if I tak' mair than _six_ tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me
a headache."
DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.
PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all
nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if
by common consent, is the following:--
_Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish
Member of Parliament, to his friend in London._
MY DEAR SIR,--
Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the
dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty
rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are
in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except
whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both
hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a
pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be
the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At
present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I
should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive
it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being
robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from
Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left
behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but
two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last
Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under
the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except
bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and
children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little;
we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face,
but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed,
we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns,
except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets
and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them
escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a
very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms
were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to
rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found
was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water,
and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops
are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my
ideas.
I have only time to add that I am in great haste.
Yours truly,
---- ----.
P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried,
therefore I beg you will write to let me know.
DCLI.--IMPROMPTU.
(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall
of Sparta.")
SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
We caught the Spartan fortitude,
And saw their woes without _a tear_!
DCLII.--WILKES AND A LIBERTY.
SO ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of
the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a
mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his
boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door,
"Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.
DCLIII.--A STRANGE OBJECTION.
A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert.
"Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my _wine in
pills_!"
DCLIV.--THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.
IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant,
doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon
us!--D.J.
DCLV.--MAKING A CLEARANCE.
AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the _bowl_ to be
introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a
toast, "The trade of Glasgow and _the outward bound_;" the hint was
taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.
DCLVI.--A SMART ONE-POUNDER.
WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre,
in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of _Polly_, expressed a
wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher;
to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must
sing, 'The Miser thus a _Guinea_ sees.'"
DCLVII.--RESIGNATION.
AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he
came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command
success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it," heaved a deep
sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more,
Sempronius,--we'll do _without_ it."
DCLVIII.--DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.
DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the
Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre
in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his
Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre
Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre
Delpini, I must go to your _papa's_ bench."
DCLIX.--A PHONETIC JOKE.
A LITTLE girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c.,
having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical
acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating
him to _Zeidlitz_ powders.
DCLX.--PURE FOLKS.
VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty
bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.
DCLXI.--GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.
WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the
following piece of intelligence: "_Yarn_ has risen one farthing a
pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.--G. a'B.
DCLXII.--JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.
WESTMACOTT, of the _Age_ paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well
thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice
done him, a person present remarked, "That has been done _already_." A
similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.
DCLXIII.--KITCHENER AND COLMAN.
THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivants_ of the day graced the
dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, _inter alia_, the late
George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a
little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to
be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be
forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom
permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at
eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's
attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment,
"Come at seven, _go it_ at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret
was punished accordingly.
DCLXIV.--A SPARE MAN.