some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish
government will not be able to stand many more such _Knocks Down_ as
this!"
DXXXIX.--A PROPER RETORT.
A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to
Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool
as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great
_difference_ between me and my friend."
DXL.--FORAGING.
DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers
were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it
was said to be part of the stage directions,--"_Enter_ the Red Coat:
_Exeunt_ Hat and Cloak."
DXLI.--ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.
AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
He happened to tread on a very small pig:
"Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,
For surely thou art an _abridgment of Bacon_."
DXLII.--UNKIND.
"PRAY, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age
I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her
ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question
again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of _discretion_."
DXLIII.--DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.
THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of
Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, _Non rapui sed
recepi_ ["I did not _steal_ it, but I _received_ it"]. This being shown
to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The _receiver_ is as
bad as the _thief_."
DXLIV.--EPIGRAM.
(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).
IF really ---- do but loathe
Things base or mean, I must confess
I'd very freely take my oath,
Self-love's a fault he don't possess.
DXLV.--ELOQUENT SILENCE.
"YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----," said Maule to
a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ----, I use no _epithet_, it is
iteration;" his look implying _the anathema_.
DXLVI.--KEEPING A PROMISE.
THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:
"Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
I know thy fortune is but very scant,
But never will I see my friend in want."
Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;
He kept his word,--in want he ne'er would see him!
DXLVII.--NAVAL ORATORY.
WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the
ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men
signed _a round robin_, wherein they declared that they would not fire a
gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this
declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed
them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as
to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside
the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil
himself will not be able to _keep you from it_." The men all returned to
their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten
times over.
DXLVIII.--VERSE AND WORSE.
AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles,
it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him
that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing.
Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At
length the _wittiest_ among them thus ended the contest:--
"Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
Excuse me, if I just step home;
Two lines already!--be not cru'l,
Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.
There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls,
With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."
DXLIX.--THE IRON DUKE.
IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at
Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to
receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a
_sovereign_, which he probably would have done had he at the time
refused to take _no change_. The Reform Bill was under consideration.
DL.--CLEAR THE COURT.
AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so
by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye _blackguards_ that isn't
_lawyers_, must lave the coort."
DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION.
AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who
was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I
hae been a gude wife to you, John."--"O, just middling, just middling,
Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye
maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my
mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke
o' Glasgow."--"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly,
"we'll just pit you in the Gorbals _first_, and gin ye dinna lie quiet,
we'll try you sine in Stra'von."
DLII.--WALPOLIANA.
SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days,
he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no
other nation would stand _beating_ for two days together."
Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when
Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his
usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost;
he asked whether the copy had been taken _before_ the original was lost,
or _after_!
This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves
so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an
_oyster_ speak as well twenty times."
DLIII.--NOT POLITE.
MR. P----, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want
of _head_, by demanding a _poll_.
DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.
A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a
great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that
he was _drunk_ when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord
Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was
drunk, what might he not have done when he was _sober_?" evidently
implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful
one, was a condition of intoxication.
DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.
THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life,
The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.
DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.
THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to
him:--
"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"
_Jerrold._--"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."
DLVII.--LADY ANNE.
AT Portsmouth, during the representation of _Richard the Third_, on
Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,"
Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they
were _battle-axes_ (basilisks) to strike _thee dead_."
DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.
A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had
been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the
witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing
_bowels_?"--"Yes, sir."--"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"--"Yes,
sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it _a wren's_
stomach?"
DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.
A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our
coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over
him. He replied, "_Wet_, ma'am,--_very wet_."
DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.
MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a
youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr.
Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal
cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was
complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to
imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious
for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would
confine myself to _the cow_."
DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.
A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in
order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his
southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big
places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude
wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"--"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for
we aye think the _selvidge_ is the wakest bit o' the wab!"
DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.
WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly
terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how
Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he
_draws_, but he has not refused _his oats_ yet."
DLXIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to
excessive gout.)
IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife,
I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;
Since _two_ members _attached to his person through life_,
Have, on recent occasions, _refused to support him_.
DLXIV.--A HAPPY MAN.
LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once
made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish
thing, I always burst out a laughing!"--"I envy you your happiness, my
lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the
_merriest_ life of any man in Europe."
DLXV.--VULGAR ARGUMENTS.
AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a
friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing
noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the
Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table,
and roared at his adversary:--
"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"
The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere
lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:--
"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"
Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung
the bell, and shouted:--
"Waiter, _spittoons for two_!"
DLXVI.--A CLEAR CASE.
MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries.
_Ex. gr._ "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly
right in his law, there is _some_ evidence upon that point; but he's a
lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by _some_
evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of
exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six
others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others
knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the
other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the
defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he
rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be _some_
evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. ---- means in this case."
Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?
DLXVII.--THE LATIN FOR COLD.
A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was
the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment,
although I have it at my _fingers' ends_."
DLXVIII.--PIECE DE RESISTANCE.
"DO come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have
only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."--"O my dear
fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very
same I should have had at home, _barrin' the beef_."
DLXIX.--LAMB AND ERSKINE.
COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his
pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when
opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt
himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."--"No wonder,"
replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a _lamb_
grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."
DLXX.--TRUE WIT.
TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
Dug from Golconda's mine;
Which boasts two various powers in one,
To cut as well as shine.
Genius, like that, if polished right,
With the same gifts abounds;
Appears at once both keen and bright,
And sparkles while it wounds.
DLXXI.--ORDER! ORDER!
A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule
interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some
order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any
order you like--_alphabetical_ order."
DLXXII.--THEATRICAL WIT.
HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and
particularly in the part of _Jack Junk_, was one night at Gosport,
performing the character of _Barbarossa_. In the scene where the tyrant
makes love to _Zapphira_, and reminds her of his services against the
enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word
from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and
regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy
of tragedy--
"Did not I,
By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders
From Egypt's shores?"
The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the
actor with three rounds of applause.
DLXXIII.--THE CUT DIRECT.
A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator
"how he would have it done?"--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "_in
silence_."
DLXXIV.--BUSY BODIES.
A MASTER of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will,
sir."--"What are you doing?"--"Nothing, sir."--"Is Tom there?"--"Yes,"
said Tom. "What are _you_ doing?"--"Helping Will, sir."
DLXXV.--THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.
WHEN the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith
took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several
parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to
hear the representative of _Young Marlow_ play it as an Irishman. As
soon as _Marlow_ came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of
this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir,"
replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in
which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong
a _brogue_."
DLXXVI.--THE FORCE OF HABIT.
A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W.
Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How
will you have it?" replied, "_Cold, without sugar_."
DLXXVII.--NOTICE TO QUIT.
AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed
time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out
to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on
the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"
Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound.
"Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift _their
quarters_."
DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.
LORD ELDON always pronounced the word _lien_ as though it were _lyon_;
and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word _lean_. On this Jekyll
wrote the following epigram:--
"Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,
By saying the Chancellor's _lion_ is _lean_?
D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,
That nothing within it will ever get fat?"
DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.
SAYS P--l--s, "Why the Bishops are
By nature meant the _soil_ to share,
I'll quickly make you understand;
For can we not deduct with ease,
That nature has designed the _seas_
Expressly to _divide the land_?"
DLXXX.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the
University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some
difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his
opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had
previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend
into the patient's stomach with a _candle and lantern_, when he ascended
he would not be able to name the complaint."
DLXXXI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.
KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very
dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying,
"Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go
near to cost him his life."--"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French
king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen
Frenchmen now in my power."--"But of all these heads," replied the
nobleman, "there may not be _one to fit_ my shoulders."
DLXXXII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.
THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to
articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at
this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two
universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which
was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself,
saying, "He could not _afford_ to keep a conscience."
DLXXXIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.
A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last
desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to
him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard
for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall
never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business,
and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a
set of vagabonds, for whom _I have no affection_, and they may waste
their time as they please."
DLXXXIV.--PORTMANTEAU _v._ TRUNK.
SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an
eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and
the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm.
"Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At
first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting
that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it
_did every bit_ as well."
DLXXXV.--SEEING A CORONATION.
A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated
Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst
he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of
Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly
pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner,
indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this
_tête-à-tête_ the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen
everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I
do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so
greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he
eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless
duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till
the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression
replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have
_your wish_." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.
DLXXXVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.
HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin
in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one
else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow
to the flowers."
DLXXXVII.--ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR
ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.
UPON its lofty column's stand
Napoleon takes his place:
His back still turned upon that land
That never saw his face.
DLXXXVIII.--OLD TIMES.
A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He
wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile,
replied, "Look among _the robberies_."
DLXXXIX.--AN ARCADIAN.
A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this
was called _work_, and well paid!"
DXC.--JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.
IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain
for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great
politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank,
his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see,
madam, wherever _you_ go there are _no seats_ to be got."
DXCI.--ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.
"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold.
This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only.
Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we _do_ row in the same boat,
but with very different skulls."
DXCII.--A GENUINE IRISH BULL.
SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the
greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much
greater."
DXCIII.--THE RULING PASSION.
IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an
appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called
in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket,
doctor?" groaned out poor George.
DXCIV.--EPIGRAM.
(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)
LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day,
Which is to me a mystery profound;
He leaves the _circuit_! he, of whom they say,
That he delights in constant _turning round_.
DXCV.--SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.
DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met
them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those
men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's
comedy, _Measure for Measure_!"
DXCVI.--DEGENERACY.
THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord
Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up
stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at
their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were
walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants
were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare
cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their
_ain feet_."
DXCVII.--WORTHY OF CREDIT.
A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The
gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."--"Please your
honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the _credit_ I give in that way."
DXCVIII.--PAYING IN KIND.
A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the
prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After
he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed,
as I have some like them in my yard."--"That's very likely," said the
farmer; "these are not the _only ducks_ of the same sort I've had stolen
lately."
DXCIX.--VERY SERIOUS.
A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at
being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling,
neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by
mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS."
DC.--THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.
MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of
money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he
immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's
house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters,
"Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip
Thicknesse, _father_ of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and
the board was removed.
DCI.--DELICATE HINT.
QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters,
says, "_My better half_, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I
hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."
DCII.--A SCOTCH MEDIUM.
AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister
sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been
'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."--"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy,
with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown
eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a
smell o' speerits _amang us_ this mornin'!"
DCIII.--EPIGRAM.