VICTIM.--We should not advise you to prosecute the constable who
"pummeled you severely," and then took you up for being drunk and
disorderly, because you happened to drop your hymn-book on the pavement
on returning from Church last Sunday evening. We cannot, either,
recommend your going to the Police Station to lodge a complaint, unless
you are an expert pugilist or take the precaution to wear sheet-iron
next the skin. Perhaps the poor fellow was trying to introduce the
_massage_ treatment to your attention.
RIPARIAN OWNER.--Yes, you can, if you think it worthwhile, sue the
owners of the five houseboats which have moored themselves close to your
front-garden, and to whose proximity you fancy the two cases of typhus
and one of cholera in your family are to be attributed. You ask what the
maximum costs would be. Costs are things which have no maximum. Multiply
your yearly income by the number of boats, and you will be pretty near
the amount.
HISTORICAL STUDENT.--1. THOMAS CROMWELL was called the "Lord Protector"
because he protected the Lord Chancellor (WOLSEY) from the King's
vengeance. 2. No, the expression "short commons" has nothing do with the
Long Parliament.
POLITICIAN.--1. You are under a misapprehension in supposing that Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN has undertaken to delimit the Afghan frontier. He has been
appointed a Fishery Commissioner, with full power to investigate the
condition of the Margate whelk-trade. 2. North Sea "Smacksmen" are not
so called in consequence of their recent treatment by the Ostend
fish-wives.
VOTARY OF SCIENCE.--The Antarctic regions were so named to distinguish
them from the Arctic regions. A rather illiterate sea-captain discovered
them, and at once exclaimed, "Why, these _Aint Arctic!_" They have
retained this quaint title ever since.--No, the British Association does
not require its members to have, as you suppose, "a profound knowledge
of Chemistry, Physiology, Dynamics, and all other branches of Modern
Science." Payment of a guinea entrance-fee is all that is needed.
NERVOUS INVALID.--It is unfortunate that the last Southbourne Park
train, should "blow off steam and whistle continuously for half an hour
under your windows," at 1.30 A.M. Still, this does not quite excuse your
smashing all the furniture and throwing the fire-irons into the street
in one of the paroxysms you speak of. When you have a lucid interval
write to the Company. No, don't "put a bullet through the
engine-driver's head," as you suggest. Try a _mandamus_ first,--also try
some soothing syrup.
ANXIOUS ENGINEER.--You ask "if there is any danger attending the
experiment of mixing equal parts of nitro-glycerine, gun-cotton, and
sulphuric acid in an iron tank in your back-garden?" We have never tried
it, so cannot say. The best _modus operandi_ would be to invite your
landlord, mother-in-law, and nearest tax-collector to come and see the
fun. Go off yourself to the seaside, and get one of them to do the
mixing. You would be sure to be interested in the result.
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