it!
GRITTY (_reading letter_). "My brother has just returned to town, and
I have got a check for the amount we require, so that the confidence
of our kind old friend, Mr. Gritty, will not be abused after all."
Bravo! I say, Samuel, ain't you glad to hear this, eh? (_slapping
SKRUFF on the back_).
SKRUFF. Intensely! (_Aside._) I wish I was well out of it!
GRITTY (_to TAUNTON and MALLINGFORD_). So you don't owe a penny?
TAUNT. Not one farthing.
GRITTY. Then I apologize for my unjust suspicions--although I should
like to know what you young fellows could want with one thousand
pounds.
FLOR. Nothing very serious, uncle.
HETTY. Merely a commission which these gentlemen have undertaken for
Florence and me.
GRITTY. For _you?_
FLOR. Yes; the purchase of the meadow behind the orchard, which you
have always been so anxious to possess.
HETTY. To be our joint gift out of our fortune, uncle, when I came of
age.
GRITTY. Bless their affectionate little hearts! (_kissing FLORENCE and
HETTY_). Doesn't this warm one up, eh, Sammy?
SKRUFF. Y-e-s--I do feel _warmish!_ (_Aside._) I'm in a raging fever!
(_Aloud._) Then I suppose, Mr. Gritty, there need be no further
concealment as to which of the two (_pointing to FLORENCE and HETTY_)
is the lucky heiress. (_Aside._) It's as well to know.
GRITTY. That's all settled long ago--the ten thousand pounds will be
divided equally between them.
SKRUFF. Oh! (_Aside._) Well, after all, five thousand pounds less,
that idiotic meadow is worth having; and I am tolerably secure in the
affections of both heiresses--I'm pretty sure of getting one.
(_Beckoning aside to TAUNTON._) I believe, sir, I am correct in coming
to the conclusion that your affections are fixed on the younger of Mr.
Gritty's nieces, Miss Hetty?
TAUNT. Sir! (_indignantly_).
SKRUFF. Now don't fly out in that way--it's perfectly immaterial to
me--you can have your choice--nothing can be fairer than that!
TAUNT. Before I reply to _your_ question, Mr.--Mr.--
SKRUFF. Skruff.
TAUNT. Mr. Skruff--perhaps you'll be good enough to answer mine--how
did you come to open a letter addressed to another?
SKRUFF. How did I open it? In the usual way, I assure you.
TAUNT. For which I have half a mind to give you a sound horsewhipping!
SKRUFF. My dear sir, as long as you have only _half_ a mind, and
_keep_ to it, you may threaten me as much as you think proper.
Besides, sir, as I flatter myself that Miss Florence honors me with
her partiality--(_bowing to FLORENCE_).
FLOR. Excuse me, Mr. Skruff! Flattered by your proposal, but compelled
to decline (_courtesying very low and giving her hand to TAUNTON_).
SKRUFF (_aside_). That's no go. (_Aloud._) How silly of me, to be
sure! Of course, when I said Miss _Florence_ I meant Miss _Hetty_
(_about to advance_).
MALLING. (_meeting him_). Pardon me, Mr. Skruff! I have a prior claim
(_holding out his hand to HETTY_). Dear Hetty!
HETTY (_giving her hand to MALLINGFORD_). Dear Teddy!
SKRUFF (_aside_). Another no go.
GRITTY. Why, Sammy, what a desperate fellow you are--have you been
falling in love with _both_ my girls?
TAUNT. With neither, Mr. Gritty--but desperately smitten with their
ten thousand pounds!
GRITTY. Oh! oh! that was your little game, eh, Sam?
SKRUFF. I'll trouble you not to _Sam_ me, Mr. Gritty! I beg you to
understand that I'm not going to stand _Sam_ any longer! (_drawing
himself up_). I sha'n't stop to dinner, Gritty!
ALL (_with pretended regret, and in a very appealing tone_). Oh, don't
say so!
SKRUFF. But I _do_ say so.
SALLY (_aside to him_). _Now_ you haven't told me which is the taters,
sir!
SKRUFF. Open the gate, young woman! (_SALLY goes to open gate._)
Good-morning, Mr. Gritty! Good-morning, ladies! I hope you'll be
happy--though I wouldn't give much for your chance. (_Advancing
rapidly to the front._) After all, perhaps I've had a narrow
escape--who knows but I may have cause to be grateful that I _have_
been declined--
ALL (_with low courtesies and bows_). With thanks!
_As SKRUFF hurries up, accompanied with repeated bows and
courtesies, the_
CURTAIN FALLS.
Transcriber's Note
This transcription is based on images posted by the Internet Archive
and which were scanned from a copy made available by the Library of
Congress:
archive.org/details/comediettasfarce00mort
The following changes were noted:
-- p. 20: (_pointing to BOX_, only being at home--Changed comma after
"BOX" to a closing parenthesis.
-- p. 20: COX. _and_ BOX. True.--Deleted period after "COX".
-- p. 32: BOX (_leaning over COX'S shoulder_). A lady's got out--The
lines before and after this line were both assigned to Box, therefore
the names Box and Cox were switched.
-- p. 68: (_Aside to JESSIE, as he goes towards table_),--For
consistency, the comma after the parenthesis has been changed to a
period and inserted after "_table_".
-- p. 73: (_going up to meet CHIRPER, who enters at C_).--Inserted a
period after "C".
-- p. 97: (_Doctor looks at her again and gives a loud
sigh._)--Changed "_Doctor_" to unitalicized small caps in html version
of file and all caps in text version for consistency.
-- p. 104: MRS. P For you?--Inserted a period after "P".
-- p. 147: In the cast list, added a period after "MR. SAMUEL SKRUFF"
and "SPRONKS'S BOY" for consistency.
-- p. 148: SALLY If you've come for the water-rate--Inserted a period
after "SALLY".
-- p. 148: SALLY Well, sir, that depends--Inserted a period after
"SALLY".
-- p. 150: . . . the name of the firm--"tailors"--'Conduit Street"
. . . --Changed the single quotation mark before "Conduit" to a double
quotation mark.
-- p. 151: GRITTY (_pouring out a glass of wine_) There,
Samuel--Inserted a period after the closing parenthesis.
-- p. 155: HETTY (_to Gritty_). If this odious creature Skruff
stays--Changed "_Gritty_" to small caps in the html version of the
file and all caps in the text version for consistency.
-- p. 161: TAUNT. (_heard without at R_).--Added a period after "R".
-- p. 163: _at the same time drops the letter on stage._--Inserted a
closing parenthesis after "_stage._"
-- p. 164: _Florence has entered from house and runs down
eagerly_--Changed "_Florence_" to small caps in the html version of
the file and all caps in the text version for consistency.
-- p. 170: the ten thousand pounds will be divided equally beween
them.--Changed "beween" to "between".
End of Project Gutenberg's Comediettas and Farces, by John Maddison Morton