RALPH IS PLACED IN AN AWKWARD PREDICAMENT BEING PUT UPON HIS TRIAL TO
PROVE HIS IDENTITY, AND HAVING NO WITNESSES TO CALL BUT HIMSELF--ALL
VOICES AGAINST HIM BUT HIS OWN.
At this period, every day, nay, almost every hour, seemed to bring its
startling event. Ere good digestion had followed our very good
appetites, bustle and agitation pervaded the whole ship. It had been
telegraphed from on shore that one of the junior lords of the Admiralty
was coming on board immediately. There was blank dismay in our berth.
How could my mess-mates possibly go on the quarter-deck, and assist to
receive the dignified personage? Much did I enjoy the immunity that, I
supposed, being a prisoner gave to me.
The portentous message came down that "the young gentlemen, in full
uniform, are expected to be on the quarter-deck to receive the lord of
the Admiralty." All the consolation that I could give was quoting to
them the speech of Lady Macbeth to her guests--"Go, nor stand upon the
order of your going." The firing of the salute from the main-deck guns
announced the approach, and the clanking of the muskets of the marines
on the deck, after they had presented arms, the arrival of the lord
plainly to me, in my darksome habitation. Ten minutes had not elapsed,
during which I was hugging myself with the thought that all this pomp
and circumstance could not annoy me, when, breathless with haste, there
rushed one, two, three, four messengers, each treading on the heels of
the other, telling me the lord of the Admiralty wished to see me
immediately in the captain's cabin.
"Me! see me! What, in the name of all that is disastrous, can he want
with me?" I would come when I had made a little alteration in my dress.
Trusting that he was as impatient as all great men usually are when
dealing with little ones, I hoped by dilatoriness to weary him out, and
thus remain unseen. Vain speculation! A minute had scarcely elapsed,
when one of the lieutenants came down, in a half-friendly,
half-imperative manner, to acquaint me that I _must_ come up
immediately.
The scene that ensued--how can I sufficiently describe it? Had I not
been sustained by the impudence of desperation, I should have jumped
overboard directly I had got on deck. I found myself, not well knowing
by what kind of locomotion I got there, in the fore-cabin, where was
spread a very handsome collation, round which were assembled some
fifteen officers, all in their full-dress uniforms, in the midst of
which a feeble, delicate-looking, and excessively neatly dressed old
gentleman stood, in plain clothes. His years must have been far beyond
seventy. He was fidgety, indeed, to that degree that would induce you
to think that he was a little palsied.
I cannot answer for the silent operations that take place in other men's
minds, but in my own, even under the greatest misfortunes a droll
conceit will more rally my crushed spirits than all the moral
consolations that Blair ever penned.
"If this be the _junior_ lord of the Admiralty," thought I, "how
venerably patriarchal must be his four seniors!" I smiled at the idea
as I bowed.
Let us describe the person that smiled and bowed to this august
assembly.
Figure to yourself a tall youth, attired in a blue cotton jacket, with
the uniform button, a once white kerseymere waistcoat, and duck
trousers, on which were mapped, in cloudy colours--produced by stains of
black-strap, peasoup, and the other etceteras that may be found in that
receptacle of abominations, an ill-regulated midshipman's berth--more
oceans, seas, bays, and promontories, than nature ever gave to this
unhappy globe. Beneath these were discovered a pair of dark blue
worsted stockings, terminated by a pair of purser's shoes--things of a
hybrid breed, between a pair of cast-off slippers and the ploughman's
clodhoppers, fitting as well as the former, and nearly as heavy as the
latter. Now, this costume, in the depth of winter, was sufficiently
light and _bizarre_; but the manner in which I had contrived to decorate
my countenance soon riveted all attention to that specimen of the "human
face divine," marred by the hand of man. Thanks to the expertness of
Mr Pigtop, my eyes were singularly well blackened, and the swelling of
my face, particularly about the upper lip, had not yet subsided. Owing
to my remaining so much, since my arrest, in the obscurity of the
between-decks, and perhaps to some inflammation in my eyes, from my
recent beating, I blinked upon those before me like an owl.
"As-ton-ish-ing!" said my Lord Whiffledale. "Is that Mr Ralph
Rattlin?"
"The same, my lord," said Captain Reud. "Shall I introduce him to your
lordship?"
"By no manner of means--yet--for his father's sake--really--
ridiculous!--Henry, the fifth baron of Whiffledale--ah! black eyes,
filthy costume, very particularly filthy, upon my honour. How is this,
Captain Reud? Of course, my present visit is not official, but merely
to satisfy my curiosity as a gentleman; how is it that your
first-lieutenant permits the young gentlemen to so far disgrace--I must
use the word--the service--as you see--in--in my young friend, there,
with the worsted stockings, and swelled lip, and--black eyes--"
When I first made my appearance, all the captains then and there
collected, had looked upon me with anything but flattering regards; some
turned up their noses, some grinned, all appeared astonished, and all
disgusted. At the conclusion of this speech, I was surprised at the
benignity which beamed upon me from under their variously shaped and
coloured eyebrows. There was magic in the words "for his father's
sake," and "my young friend."
Captain Reud replied, "It is not, my lord, so much the fault of Mr
Rattlin as it would, at the first blush, appear to be. He himself
pressed a wicked, mischievous young blackguard, who was appointed the
young gentleman's servant. Incredible as the fact may appear, my lord,
he contrived, in a manner that Dr Thompson can best explain to you, to
destroy all the clothes of his young master merely in the wantonness of
his malice. I know that Mr Rattlin is well provided with money, and
that he will take the first opportunity again to assume the garb of a
gentleman; and I do assure your lordship that no man becomes it better."
"Sir, if this youth be Mr Rattlin--I believe it--the very oldest blood
in the country flows in his veins--but it does seem a kind of species of
miracle how a scion of that noble house should stand before me, his
father's friend, with two black eyes and a ragged jacket--there may be
some mistake, after all. I was going, Mr Rattlin, to take you with me
to my hotel, having matters of the utmost importance to communicate to
you; but, oh no!--I am not fastidious, so we had better first have a
little private conference in the after--gentlemen, will you excuse
us?"--bowing round--"Captain Reud will perhaps do me the favour to be of
the party?"
So, into the after-cabin we three went, I burning with impatience, and
speechless with agitation, supposing that the much-coveted secret of my
parentage would be at length unfolded to me.
Lord Whiffledale and Captain Reud being seated with their backs to the
cabin-windows, and I standing before them with the light full upon my
disfigured face, I must have had a great deal more the look of a
battered blackguard, being tried for petty larceny, than a young
gentleman on the eve of being acknowledged the heir to greatness by a
very noble lord.
There was a pause for some minutes, during which Lord Whiffledale was
preparing to be imposing, and the light of mischief began to beam with
incipient insanity in Reud's eye. "Certainly," I said to myself, "he
will not dare to practise one of his mad pranks upon a lord of the
Admiralty!" What will not madness dare?
His lordship, having taken snuff very solemnly, and looked round him
with a calm circumspection, fixing his dull eye upon me, and wagging his
head, with an equable motion, slowly up and down, spoke as follows:--
"There is a Providence above us all. It is seen, Mr Rattlin, in the
fall of a sparrow--it has protected our glorious institutions--it has
sanctified the pillars of the State. Providence is, Mr Rattlin--do you
really know what Providence is? I ask you the question advisedly--I
always speak advisedly--I ask you, do you know what Providence is? Do
not speak; interruptions are unseemly--there are few who interrupt me.
Providence, young man, has brought me on board this frigate to-day--the
wind is north-easterly, what there is of it may increase my catarrh--
there is the hand of Providence in everything. I promised my most
honourable friend that I would see you as you are--how equipped, how
lodged, how `cabined, cribbed, confined.' Apt quotation!--you are
cabined--you are cribbed--you are confined--_cribbed_--look at your
countenance--as I said before, 'tis the hand of Providence--"
"Begging your lordship's pardon," said Reud, submissively, with the
dubious twinkle in his eye for interrupting a nobleman who is so seldom
interrupted--"I rather think that it was the fist of Pigtop."
"Pigtop!--Providence--my quotation. Captain Reud, I have not really the
pleasure of understanding you. This young gentleman who has been so
lately under the chastening hand of Providence--"
"Pigtop."
"Is now about to receive from that bountiful hand some of the choicest
gifts it is in the happiness of man to receive--rank, wealth, a father's
blessing. Oh! 'tis too much--I am affected--what can I possibly do with
him with those black eyes? Mr Ralph Rattlin, you have not yet spoken
to me--indeed, how can you? What words would be sufficiently expressive
of--of--what you ought to express! Captain Reud, don't you find this
scene rather affecting? Young gentleman, I am here to verify you--are
you fully prepared, sir, to be, as it were, verified?"
"My lord, my lord, I am bursting with impatience!"
"Bursting with impatience! The scene is affecting, certainly--
touching--complete, with the exception of the black eyes. What would
not Miss Burney make of it in one of her admirable novels! But you
might have made use of a better word than bursting--I am ready to
dissolve with emotion at this tender scene--the discovery of his
parentage to a tall, ingenuous youth--bursting--you might have used,
first, burning--secondly, glowing--thirdly, consuming--fourthly,
raging--fifthly, dying--sixthly, there is perishing; but I will not much
insist upon the last, though it is certainly better than bursting. You
mean to say that you are burning, not bursting, with impatience--it is a
natural feeling, it is commendable, it is worthy of a son of your most
honourable father--I will faithfully report to him this filial
impatience, and how eager I was to remove it. I do not say satisfy it--
a person less careful of the varieties of language would have said
satisfy--an impatience satisfied is what? a contradiction of terms; but
an impatience removed is--is--the removal of an impatience. This
interview will grow very touching. Those blackened eyes--I would that
there were a green shade over them. Are you prepared to be verified?"
I bowed, fearing that any other expression of my wishes would lead to
further digression. His lordship then, putting on his spectacles, and
reading from a paper, commenced thus, I, all the while, trembling with
agitation:
"Are you the person who was nursed by one Rose Brandon, the wife of
Joseph Brandon, by trade a sawyer?"
"I am."
"What name did you go by when under the care of those persons?"
"Ralph Rattlin Brandon."
"Right, very good. I shall embrace him shortly--my heart yearns towards
him. Were you removed to a school, by a gentleman in a plain carriage,
from those Brandons?"
"I was."
"To where?"
"To Mr Roots' academy."
"Right--a good boy, an amiable boy, he was removed to Mr Roots': and,
having there imbibed the rudiments of a classical education, you were
removed to where?"
"To a boarding-school kept by a French gentleman at Stickenham, where,
in his wife, I thought I had found a mother--"
"Stop, we are not come to that yet, that is too affecting--of that anon,
as somebody says in some play. Have you, Captain Reud, a glass of water
ready, should this amiable youth or myself feel faint during this
exciting investigation?"
"Perfectly ready," said the Creole, decidedly in one of his insane fits;
for he immediately skipped behind his lordship, and, jumping upon the
locker, stood ready to invert a glass of water upon his nicely-powdered
head, containing at least three gallons, this glass being a large globe,
containing several curious fish, which swung, attached to a beam,
directly over my interrogator.
Here was a critical situation for me! A mad captain about to blow the
gampus (i.e. souse) a lord of the Admiralty, that same lord, I firmly
believed, about to declare himself my father. I was, in a manner,
spell-bound. Afraid to interrupt the conference, I bethought me that my
Lord Whiffledale would be no less my father wet or dry, and so I
determined to let things take their course. So I permitted his lordship
to go on with his questions, at every one of which Captain Reud, looking
more like a baboon than a human being, canted the globe more and more.
"All very satisfactory--all very satisfactory, indeed! And now, Ralph,
on whom have you been in the habit of drawing for your allowance while
you were in the West Indies?"
"Mr ---, of King's Bench Walk, in the Temple."
"Perfectly correct--perfectly"--(still reading).
"Are you a well-grown youth for your age?"
"I am."
"Of an interesting physiognomy?"
Here the malicious madman grinned at me in the most laughable manner,
over the devoted head of the ancient lord.
"I hope you will think so, my lord, when I have recovered my usual
looks."
"Ugh--hum--ha--of dark brown hair, approaching to black?"
"With intensely black eyes."
"No."--"YES." Mine was the negative, Captain Reud's the affirmative,
spoken simultaneously.
At this crisis his lordship had made a very proper and theatrical start.
Captain Reud grasped the glass with both hands; and the severe, bright
eye of Dr Thompson fell upon the prank-playing captain. The effect was
instantaneous: he slunk away from his intended mischief; completely
subdued. The fire left his eye, the grin his countenance; and he stood
beside his lordship in a moment, the quiet and gentlemanly post-captain,
deferentially polite in the presence of his superior. I understood the
thing in a moment--it was the keeper and his patient.
"I am particularly sorry, my lord," said the doctor--"I am very
particularly sorry, Captain Reud, to break in upon you unannounced; the
fact is, I did knock several times but I suppose I was not heard. This
letter, my lord, I hope will be a sufficient apology."
His lordship took the letter with a proud condescension. Captain Reud
said, "Dr Thompson's presence is always acceptable to me."
Lord Whiffledale read this letter over three times distinctly; then,
from his usual white he turned a palish purple, then again became white.
In no other manner did he seem to lose his self-possession.
"Dr Thompson," said he, at length, very calmly, "let me see some of
these documents immediately."
"Anticipating the request, my lord, I have them with me." The doctor
then placed in his hands several letters and papers. At length, his
lordship exclaimed:
"I am confounded. It is wholly beyond my comprehension--I know not how
to act. It is excessively distressing. I wish, on my soul, I had never
meddled in the business. Can I see the young man?"
"Certainly, my lord; I will bring him to you immediately."
During Dr Thompson's short absence, his lordship walked up and down
with a contracted brow, and much more than his usual fidgety movements.
Not wholly to my surprise, but completely to my dismay, the doctor
reappeared with my arch and only enemy by his side--Joshua Daunton.
The contrast between him and me was not at all in my favour. Not in
uniform, certainly, but scrupulously clean, with a superfine blue cloth
jacket and trousers, white neckerchief; and clean linen shirt; he looked
not only respectable, but even gentlemanly. I have before described my
appearance. I may be spared the hateful repetition.
"And so," said his lordship, turning to Joshua, "you are the true and
veritable Ralph Rattlin?"
"I am, my lord," said the unblushing liar. "The young gentleman near
you is my illegitimate brother; his mother is a beautiful lady, of the
name of Causand, a most artful woman. She first contrived to poison Sir
Reginald's mind with insinuations to my disfavour; and, at last, so well
carried on her machinations as to drive me first from the paternal roof,
and, lastly, I confess it with horror and remorse, into a course so evil
as to compel me to change my name, fly from my country, and subject me
to the lash at the gangway. If these documents, that I confide to your
hands, and to yours only, will not remove every doubt as to the truth of
my assertions, afford me but a little time, till I can send to London,
and every point shall be satisfactorily cleared up."
He then placed in Lord Whiffledale's hands the papers that had been so
convincing to Dr Thompson. Captain Reud, now reduced by the presence
of the good doctor to the most correct deportment, stepped forward, and
assured his lordship that I, at least, was no impostor, and that, if
imposition had been practised, I had been made an unconscious
instrument.
"Perhaps," said his lordship, after scrutinising the papers, and
returning them to Joshua, "the young gentleman with the blackened eyes
will do us the favour, in a few words, to give us his own version of the
story; for, may I die consumptive, if I can tell which is the real Simon
Pure!"
Placed thus in the embarrassing situation of pleading for my own
identity, I found that I had very little to say for myself. I could
only affirm that, although always unowned, I had been continuously cared
for; and that the bills I had drawn upon Mr ---, the lawyer in the
King's Bench Walk in the Temple, had always been honoured. My lord
shook his head when I had finished, diplomatically. He took snuff. He
then eyed me and my adversary carefully. He now waved his head upwards
and downwards, and at length opened his mouth and spoke:
"Captain Reud, I wash my hands of this business. I cannot decide. I
was going to take on shore with me the legitimate and too-long neglected
son of my good old friend, Sir Reginald. Where is that son? I come on
board the _Eos_, and I ask him at your hands, Captain Reud. Is that
person with the discoloured countenance my friend's son? Certainly not.
Is that other person his son--a disgraced man? Knowing the noble race
of my friend, I should say certainly not. Where is Sir Ralph's [?Sir
Reginalds's] son? He is not here; or, if he be here, I cannot
distinguish him. I wash my hands of it--I hate mysteries. I will take
neither of them to London. I am under some _slight_ obligations to Sir
Reginald--and yet--I cannot decide. The weight of evidence certainly
preponderates in favour of the new claimant. Captain Reud, perhaps,
will permit him to land, and he may go up to town immediately, and have
an interview with Mr ---, the lawyer; and, if he can satisfy that
person, he will receive from him further instructions as to his future
proceedings."