“By watching my only visitor, my uncle’s friend, or by some other
means, Mr. Venables discovered my residence, and came to enquire for
me. The maid-servant assured him there was no such person in the house.
A bustle ensued—I caught the alarm—listened—distinguished his voice,
and immediately locked the door. They suddenly grew still; and I waited
near a quarter of an hour, before I heard him open the parlour door,
and mount the stairs with the mistress of the house, who obsequiously
declared that she knew nothing of me.
“Finding my door locked, she requested me to open it, and prepare to go
home with my husband, poor gentleman! to whom I had already occasioned
sufficient vexation.’ I made no reply. Mr. Venables then, in an assumed
tone of softness, intreated me, ‘to consider what he suffered, and my
own reputation, and get the better of childish resentment.’ He ran on
in the same strain, pretending to address me, but evidently adapting
his discourse to the capacity of the landlady; who, at every pause,
uttered an exclamation of pity; or ‘Yes, to be sure—Very true, sir.’
“Sick of the farce, and perceiving that I could not avoid the hated
interview, I opened the door, and he entered. Advancing with easy
assurance to take my hand, I shrunk from his touch, with an involuntary
start, as I should have done from a noisome reptile, with more disgust
than terror. His conductress was retiring, to give us, as she said, an
opportunity to accommodate matters. But I bade her come in, or I would
go out; and curiosity impelled her to obey me.
“Mr. Venables began to expostulate; and this woman, proud of his
confidence, to second him. But I calmly silenced her, in the midst of a
vulgar harangue, and turning to him, asked, ‘Why he vainly tormented
me? declaring that no power on earth should force me back to his
house.’
“After a long altercation, the particulars of which, it would be to no
purpose to repeat, he left the room. Some time was spent in loud
conversation in the parlour below, and I discovered that he had brought
his friend, an attorney, with him.[8]
[8] In the original edition the paragraph following is preceded by
three lines of asterisks [Publisher’s note].
“The tumult on the landing place, brought out a gentleman, who had
recently taken apartments in the house; he enquired why I was thus
assailed?[9] The voluble attorney instantly repeated the trite tale.
The stranger turned to me, observing, with the most soothing politeness
and manly interest, that ‘my countenance told a very different story.’
He added, ‘that I should not be insulted, or forced out of the house,
by any body.’
[9] The introduction of Darnford as the deliverer of Maria, in an
early stage of the history, is already stated (Chap. III.) to have
been an after-thought of the author. This has probably caused the
imperfectness of the manuscript in the above passage; though, at the
same time, it must be acknowledged to be somewhat uncertain, whether
Darnford is the stranger intended in this place. It appears from Chap.
XVII, that an interference of a more decisive nature was designed to
be attributed to him. EDITOR. [Godwin’s note]
“‘Not by her husband?’ asked the attorney.
“‘No, sir, not by her husband.’ Mr. Venables advanced towards him—But
there was a decision in his attitude, that so well seconded that of his
voice,[10] They left the house: at the same time protesting, that any
one that should dare to protect me, should be prosecuted with the
utmost rigour.
[10] Two and a half lines of asterisks appear here in the original
[Publisher’s note].
“They were scarcely out of the house, when my landlady came up to me
again, and begged my pardon, in a very different tone. For, though Mr.
Venables had bid her, at her peril, harbour me, he had not attended, I
found, to her broad hints, to discharge the lodging. I instantly
promised to pay her, and make her a present to compensate for my abrupt
departure, if she would procure me another lodging, at a sufficient
distance; and she, in return, repeating Mr. Venables’ plausible tale, I
raised her indignation, and excited her sympathy, by telling her
briefly the truth.
“She expressed her commiseration with such honest warmth, that I felt
soothed; for I have none of that fastidious sensitiveness, which a
vulgar accent or gesture can alarm to the disregard of real kindness. I
was ever glad to perceive in others the humane feelings I delighted to
exercise; and the recollection of some ridiculous characteristic
circumstances, which have occurred in a moment of emotion, has
convulsed me with laughter, though at the instant I should have thought
it sacrilegious to have smiled. Your improvement, my dearest girl,
being ever present to me while I write, I note these feelings, because
women, more accustomed to observe manners than actions, are too much
alive to ridicule. So much so, that their boasted sensibility is often
stifled by false delicacy. True sensibility, the sensibility which is
the auxiliary of virtue, and the soul of genius, is in society so
occupied with the feelings of others, as scarcely to regard its own
sensations. With what reverence have I looked up at my uncle, the dear
parent of my mind! when I have seen the sense of his own sufferings, of
mind and body, absorbed in a desire to comfort those, whose misfortunes
were comparatively trivial. He would have been ashamed of being as
indulgent to himself, as he was to others. ‘Genuine fortitude,’ he
would assert, ‘consisted in governing our own emotions, and making
allowance for the weaknesses in our friends, that we would not tolerate
in ourselves.’ But where is my fond regret leading me!
“‘Women must be submissive,’ said my landlady. ‘Indeed what could most
women do? Who had they to maintain them, but their husbands? Every
woman, and especially a lady, could not go through rough and smooth, as
she had done, to earn a little bread.’
“She was in a talking mood, and proceeded to inform me how she had been
used in the world. ‘She knew what it was to have a bad husband, or she
did not know who should.’ I perceived that she would be very much
mortified, were I not to attend to her tale, and I did not attempt to
interrupt her, though I wished her, as soon as possible, to go out in
search of a new abode for me, where I could once more hide my head.
“She began by telling me, ‘That she had saved a little money in
service; and was over-persuaded (we must all be in love once in our
lives) to marry a likely man, a footman in the family, not worth a
groat. My plan,’ she continued, ‘was to take a house, and let out
lodgings; and all went on well, till my husband got acquainted with an
impudent slut, who chose to live on other people’s means—and then all
went to rack and ruin. He ran in debt to buy her fine clothes, such
clothes as I never thought of wearing myself, and—would you believe
it?—he signed an execution on my very goods, bought with the money I
worked so hard to get; and they came and took my bed from under me,
before I heard a word of the matter. Aye, madam, these are misfortunes
that you gentlefolks know nothing of,—but sorrow is sorrow, let it come
which way it will.
“‘I sought for a service again—very hard, after having a house of my
own!—but he used to follow me, and kick up such a riot when he was
drunk, that I could not keep a place; nay, he even stole my clothes,
and pawned them; and when I went to the pawnbroker’s, and offered to
take my oath that they were not bought with a farthing of his money,
they said, ‘It was all as one, my husband had a right to whatever I
had.’
“‘At last he listed for a soldier, and I took a house, making an
agreement to pay for the furniture by degrees; and I almost starved
myself, till I once more got before-hand in the world.
“‘After an absence of six years (God forgive me! I thought he was dead)
my husband returned; found me out, and came with such a penitent face,
I forgave him, and clothed him from head to foot. But he had not been a
week in the house, before some of his creditors arrested him; and, he
selling my goods, I found myself once more reduced to beggary; for I
was not as well able to work, go to bed late, and rise early, as when I
quitted service; and then I thought it hard enough. He was soon tired
of me, when there was nothing more to be had, and left me again.
“I will not tell you how I was buffeted about, till, hearing for
certain that he had died in an hospital abroad, I once more returned to
my old occupation; but have not yet been able to get my head above
water: so, madam, you must not be angry if I am afraid to run any risk,
when I know so well, that women have always the worst of it, when law
is to decide.’
“After uttering a few more complaints, I prevailed on my landlady to go
out in quest of a lodging; and, to be more secure, I condescended to
the mean shift of changing my name.
“But why should I dwell on similar incidents!—I was hunted, like an
infected beast, from three different apartments, and should not have
been allowed to rest in any, had not Mr. Venables, informed of my
uncle’s dangerous state of health, been inspired with the fear of
hurrying me out of the world as I advanced in my pregnancy, by thus
tormenting and obliging me to take sudden journeys to avoid him; and
then his speculations on my uncle’s fortune must prove abortive.
“One day, when he had pursued me to an inn, I fainted, hurrying from
him; and, falling down, the sight of my blood alarmed him, and obtained
a respite for me. It is strange that he should have retained any hope,
after observing my unwavering determination; but, from the mildness of
my behaviour, when I found all my endeavours to change his disposition
unavailing, he formed an erroneous opinion of my character, imagining
that, were we once more together, I should part with the money he could
not legally force from me, with the same facility as formerly. My
forbearance and occasional sympathy he had mistaken for weakness of
character; and, because he perceived that I disliked resistance, he
thought my indulgence and compassion mere selfishness, and never
discovered that the fear of being unjust, or of unnecessarily wounding
the feelings of another, was much more painful to me, than any thing I
could have to endure myself. Perhaps it was pride which made me
imagine, that I could bear what I dreaded to inflict; and that it was
often easier to suffer, than to see the sufferings of others.
“I forgot to mention that, during this persecution, I received a letter
from my uncle, informing me, ‘that he only found relief from continual
change of air; and that he intended to return when the spring was a
little more advanced (it was now the middle of February), and then we
would plan a journey to Italy, leaving the fogs and cares of England
far behind.’ He approved of my conduct, promised to adopt my child, and
seemed to have no doubt of obliging Mr. Venables to hear reason. He
wrote to his friend, by the same post, desiring him to call on Mr.
Venables in his name; and, in consequence of the remonstrances he
dictated, I was permitted to lie-in tranquilly.
“The two or three weeks previous, I had been allowed to rest in peace;
but, so accustomed was I to pursuit and alarm, that I seldom closed my
eyes without being haunted by Mr. Venables’ image, who seemed to assume
terrific or hateful forms to torment me, wherever I turned.—Sometimes a
wild cat, a roaring bull, or hideous assassin, whom I vainly attempted
to fly; at others he was a demon, hurrying me to the brink of a
precipice, plunging me into dark waves, or horrid gulfs; and I woke, in
violent fits of trembling anxiety, to assure myself that it was all a
dream, and to endeavour to lure my waking thoughts to wander to the
delightful Italian vales, I hoped soon to visit; or to picture some
august ruins, where I reclined in fancy on a mouldering column, and
escaped, in the contemplation of the heart-enlarging virtues of
antiquity, from the turmoil of cares that had depressed all the daring
purposes of my soul. But I was not long allowed to calm my mind by the
exercise of my imagination; for the third day after your birth, my
child, I was surprised by a visit from my elder brother; who came in
the most abrupt manner, to inform me of the death of my uncle. He had
left the greater part of his fortune to my child, appointing me its
guardian; in short, every step was taken to enable me to be mistress of
his fortune, without putting any part of it in Mr. Venables’ power. My
brother came to vent his rage on me, for having, as he expressed
himself, ‘deprived him, my uncle’s eldest nephew, of his inheritance;’
though my uncle’s property, the fruit of his own exertion, being all in
the funds, or on landed securities, there was not a shadow of justice
in the charge.
“As I sincerely loved my uncle, this intelligence brought on a fever,
which I struggled to conquer with all the energy of my mind; for, in my
desolate state, I had it very much at heart to suckle you, my poor
babe. You seemed my only tie to life, a cherub, to whom I wished to be
a father, as well as a mother; and the double duty appeared to me to
produce a proportionate increase of affection. But the pleasure I felt,
while sustaining you, snatched from the wreck of hope, was cruelly
damped by melancholy reflections on my widowed state—widowed by the
death of my uncle. Of Mr. Venables I thought not, even when I thought
of the felicity of loving your father, and how a mother’s pleasure
might be exalted, and her care softened by a husband’s
tenderness.—‘Ought to be!’ I exclaimed; and I endeavoured to drive away
the tenderness that suffocated me; but my spirits were weak, and the
unbidden tears would flow. ‘Why was I,’ I would ask thee, but thou
didst not heed me,—‘cut off from the participation of the sweetest
pleasure of life?’ I imagined with what extacy, after the pains of
child-bed, I should have presented my little stranger, whom I had so
long wished to view, to a respectable father, and with what maternal
fondness I should have pressed them both to my heart!—Now I kissed her
with less delight, though with the most endearing compassion, poor
helpless one! when I perceived a slight resemblance of him, to whom she
owed her existence; or, if any gesture reminded me of him, even in his
best days, my heart heaved, and I pressed the innocent to my bosom, as
if to purify it—yes, I blushed to think that its purity had been
sullied, by allowing such a man to be its father.
“After my recovery, I began to think of taking a house in the country,
or of making an excursion on the continent, to avoid Mr. Venables; and
to open my heart to new pleasures and affection. The spring was melting
into summer, and you, my little companion, began to smile—that smile
made hope bud out afresh, assuring me the world was not a desert. Your
gestures were ever present to my fancy; and I dwelt on the joy I should
feel when you would begin to walk and lisp. Watching your wakening
mind, and shielding from every rude blast my tender blossom, I
recovered my spirits—I dreamed not of the frost—‘the killing frost,’ to
which you were destined to be exposed.—But I lose all patience—and
execrate the injustice of the world—folly! ignorance!—I should rather
call it; but, shut up from a free circulation of thought, and always
pondering on the same griefs, I writhe under the torturing
apprehensions, which ought to excite only honest indignation, or active
compassion; and would, could I view them as the natural consequence of
things. But, born a woman—and born to suffer, in endeavouring to
repress my own emotions, I feel more acutely the various ills my sex
are fated to bear—I feel that the evils they are subject to endure,
degrade them so far below their oppressors, as almost to justify their
tyranny; leading at the same time superficial reasoners to term that
weakness the cause, which is only the consequence of short-sighted
despotism.”