My aversion at first for belles lettres, and my subsequent
conversion--Departure from Berlin--Sojourn in Hamburg--I drown myself in
the same way as a bad actor shoots himself--An old fool of a woman falls
in love with me, but her addresses are rejected.
For _belles lettres_ I discovered not the slightest inclination; I could
not even conceive how any man was to form a science of what pleases or
displeases--a matter which, according to my opinion at the time, could
have merely a subjective ground. One day when I was taking a walk with
Mendelssohn, our conversation fell upon the subject of the poets, whom
he recommended me to read. "No," I replied, "I am going to read none of
the poets. What is a poet but a liar?" Mendelssohn smiled at this and
said, "You agree in this with Plato, who banished all poets from his
Republic. But I hope that with time you will think differently on the
subject." And so it happened soon.
Longinus' _On the Sublime_ fell into my hand. The examples of the
sublime which he adduces from Homer, and particularly the celebrated
passage of Sappho, made a deep impression on my mind. I thought to
myself, these are but foolish trifles, it is true, but the imagery and
descriptions are really very beautiful. After that I read Homer himself,
and was forced to laugh heartily at the foolish fellow. What a serious
air, I said to myself, over such childless stories! By and by, however,
I found a great deal of pleasure in the reading. Ossian, on the other
hand, whom I got to read afterwards (of course only in German
translations) produced on me a peculiarly awe-inspiring effect. The pomp
of his style, the impressive brevity of his descriptions, the purity of
his sentiments, the simplicity of the objects described by him, and
lastly, the similarity of his poetry to that of the Hebrews, charmed me
uncommonly. Thus I found also a great deal of gratification in Gessner's
Idylls.
My friend, the Pole of whom I spoke in the preceding chapter, who
occupied himself mainly with _belles lettres_, was greatly delighted at
my conversion. I used to dispute with him the utility of these studies;
and once, when he was reading to me as a model of vigour in expression a
passage of the Psalms, in which King David shows himself a master in
cursing, I interrupted him with the words, "What sort of an art is this?
Why, my mother-in-law--God bless her!--when she was squabbling with a
neighbour woman, used to curse much more wildly than that!"
Now, however, he had his triumph over me. Mendelssohn also and my other
friends were uncommonly pleased at this change. They wished me to devote
myself regularly to the _humaniora_, as without these a man can
scarcely make his own intellectual productions useful to the world. It
was very difficult, however, to convince me of this. I was always in
haste to enjoy the present, without thinking that, by due preparation, I
could make this enjoyment greater and more lasting.
I now found gratification, not only in the study of the sciences, but
generally in everything good and beautiful, with which I became
acquainted; and I carried this out with an enthusiasm which passed all
limits. The hitherto suppressed inclination to the pleasures of sense
also asserted its claims. The first occasion of this was the following.
For many years some men, who were occupied in various kinds of teaching,
had insinuated themselves into the most prominent and wealthy families
of the Jewish nation. They devoted themselves especially to the French
language (which was then regarded as the highest point of
enlightenment), to geography, arithmetic, bookkeeping, and similar
studies. They had also made themselves familiar with some phrases and
imperfectly understood results of the more profound sciences and
philosophical systems, while their intercourse with the fair sex was
marked by studious gallantry. As a result of all this, they were great
favourites in the families where they visited, and were regarded as
clever fellows. Now, they began to observe that my reputation was always
on the increase, and that the respect for my attainments and talents
went so far, that they were being thrown wholly into the shade.
Accordingly they thought of a stratagem, by which they might be able to
ward off the threatened evil.
They resolved to draw me into their company, to show me every
demonstration of friendship, and to render me every possible service. By
this means they hoped, in the first place, as a result of our
intercourse, to win for themselves some of the respect which was shown
to me, and, in the second place, to obtain, from my frank and
communicative spirit, some additional knowledge of those sciences which
as yet they knew only in name. But, in the third place, as they knew my
enthusiasm for everything which I once recognised as good, they expected
to intoxicate me with the allurements of sensual pleasure, and to cool
in some measure my ardour in the study of science, which would at the
same time alienate my friends, my intimacy with whom made them so
jealous.
Accordingly they invited me into their society, testified their
friendship and esteem for me, and begged the honour of my company.
Suspecting no harm, I received their advances with pleasure, especially
as I reflected that Mendelssohn and my other friends were too grand for
everyday intercourse with me. It became therefore a very desirable
object with me, to find some friends of a middle class, with whom I
could associate _sans façon_, and enjoy the charms of familiarity. My
new friends took me into gay society, to taverns, on pleasure
excursions, at last also to ----;[57] and all this at their own
expense. I, on my side, in my happy humour, opened up to them in return
all the mysteries of philosophy, explained to them in detail all the
peculiar systems, and corrected their ideas on various subjects of human
knowledge. But as things of this sort cannot be poured into a man's
head, and as these gentlemen had no special capacity for them, of course
they were not able to make any great progress by this kind of
instruction. When I observed this, I began to express some sort of
contempt for them, and made no attempt to conceal the fact, that it was
mainly the roast and the wine that gave me pleasure in their company.
This did not please them particularly; and as they were unable to reach
their object with me completely, they tried to reach it at least in
part. They told tales to my grand friends behind my back about the most
trifling incidents and expressions. For instance, they asserted that I
charged Mendelssohn with being a philosophical hypocrite, that I
declared others to be endowed with but shallow pates, that I was seeking
to spread dangerous systems, and that I was wholly abandoned to
Epicureanism. (As if they were genuine Stoics!) They even began at last
openly to manifest their enmity.
All this of course had its effect; and to add to the impression, my
friends observed that in my studies I followed no fixed plan, but merely
my inclination. Accordingly they proposed to me that I should study
medicine, but could not induce me to do it. I observed that the theory
of medicine contains many departments as auxiliary sciences, each of
which requires a specialist for its thorough mastery, while the practice
of medicine implies a peculiar genius and faculty of judgment, that are
seldom to be met with. I observed at the same time, that the most of
physicians take advantage of the ignorance of the public. In accordance
with established usage they spend some years at the universities, where
they have an opportunity indeed of attending all the lectures, but in
point of fact attend very few. At the close of their course, by means of
money and fair words, they get a dissertation written for them; and
thus, after a very simple fashion, become medical practitioners.
As already mentioned, I had a great liking for painting; but I was
advised against this, because I was already well advanced in years, and
consequently might not have sufficient patience for the minute exercises
required for this art. At last the proposal was made to me, to learn
pharmacy; and as I had already obtained some acquaintance with physics
as well as chemistry, I consented. My object in this, however, was not
to make any practical use of my attainments, but merely to acquire
theoretical knowledge. Accordingly, instead of setting to with my own
hands, and thereby acquiring expertness in this art, at important
chemical processes I played the part of a mere spectator. In this way I
learnt pharmacy, yet without being in the position of becoming an
apothecary. After the lapse of a three years' apprenticeship, Madame
Rosen, in whose shop I was apprenticed, was duly paid by H. J. D. the
promised fee of sixty thalers. I received a certificate, that I had
perfectly mastered the art of pharmacy; and this ended the whole matter.
This, however, contributed not a little to alienate my friends. At last
Mendelssohn asked me to come and see him, when he informed me of this
alienation, and pointed out to me its causes. They complained, (1) that
I had not made up my mind to any plan of life, and had thereby rendered
fruitless all their exertions in my behalf; (2) that I was trying to
spread dangerous opinions and systems; and (3) that, according to
general rumour, I was leading a rather loose life, and was very much
addicted to sensual pleasures.
The first of these complaints I endeavoured to answer by referring to
the fact, which I had mentioned to my friends at the very first, that,
in consequence of my peculiar training, I was indisposed for any kind of
business, and adapted merely for a quiet speculative life, by which I
could not only satisfy my natural inclination, but also, by teaching and
similar means, provide for my support in a certain fashion. "As to the
second point," I proceeded, "the opinions and systems referred to are
either true or false. If the former, then I do not see how the knowledge
of the truth can do any harm. If the latter, then let them be refuted.
Moreover, I have explained these opinions and systems only to gentlemen
who desire to be enlightened, and to rise above all prejudices. But the
truth is, that it is not the mischievous nature of the opinions, it is
the incapacity of those gentlemen to comprehend them, coupled with their
reluctance to make such a humiliating confession, that sets them in arms
against me. In reference to the third reproach, however, I must say with
downright honesty, Herr Mendelssohn, we are all Epicureans. The
moralists can prescribe to us merely rules of prudence; that is to say,
they can prescribe the use of means for the attainment of given ends,
but not the ends themselves. But," I added, "I see clearly that I must
quit Berlin; whither, is a matter of indifference." With this I bade
Mendelssohn farewell. He gave me a very favourable testimonial of my
capabilities and talents, and wished me a prosperous journey.
To my other friends also I bade farewell, and in brief but emphatic
terms thanked them for the favours they had shown. One of my friends was
taken aback, when I bade him goodbye, at my using the brief form, "I
hope you will enjoy good health, my dear friend; and I thank you for all
the favours you have bestowed upon me." It seemed to this excellent, but
prosaically poetical man, as if the form were too curt and dry for all
his friendliness towards me. So he replied with evident displeasure, "Is
this all that you have learnt in Berlin?" I made no answer, however, but
went away, booked by the Hamburg post, and departed from Berlin.
On leaving I received from Samuel Levi[58] a letter of introduction to
one of his correspondents. When I arrived in Hamburg, I went to the
merchant to whom this letter was addressed, and delivered it. He
received me well, and invited me to his table during my stay in the
city. But as he knew nothing except how to make money, and took no
particular interest in scholarship or science, he evidently entertained
me merely on account of my letter of introduction, because he had to do
something to gratify his correspondent. As I knew nothing of trade,
however, and besides made no very presentable figure, he endeavoured to
get rid of me as soon as possible, and with a view to that asked me
where I meant to go when I left Hamburg. When I replied that I was going
to Holland, he gave me the well-meant advice to hasten my departure, as
this was the best season of the year for travelling.
Accordingly I took out a passage on a Hamburg vessel that was to sail
for Holland in two or three weeks. For travelling companions I had two
barbers, a tailor, and a shoemaker. These fellows made themselves merry,
caroused bravely, and sang all sorts of songs. In this joviality I could
not take a part; in fact they scarcely understood my language, and
teased me on that account in a thousand ways, though I bore it all with
patience. The vessel glided pleasantly down the Elbe to a village at
the mouth of the river some miles below Hamburg. Here we were obliged to
lie about six weeks, prevented by contrary winds from putting out to
sea. The ship's crew, along with the other passengers, went to the
village tavern, where they drank and played. For me, however, the time
became very dreary, and I was besides so sick, that I nearly despaired
of my recovery.
At last we got a favourable wind, the vessel stood out to sea, and on
the third day after our departure we arrived before Amsterdam. A boat
came out to the ship to take the passengers into the city. At first I
would not trust myself to the Dutch boatman, because I was afraid of
falling into the hands of the crimps, against whom I had been warned in
Hamburg; but the captain of our ship assured me that he knew the boatman
well, and that I might trust myself to him without any anxiety.
Accordingly I came into the city; but as I had no acquaintances here,
and as I knew that at the Hague there was a gentleman belonging to a
prominent Berlin family, and that he had obtained from Berlin a tutor
with whom I was acquainted, I set out for that place in a drag-boat.
Here I took lodgings at the house of a poor Jewish woman, but before I
had time to rest from my journey, a man of tall, spare figure, in untidy
clothing, and with a pipe in his mouth, came in, and, without observing
me, commenced to speak with my landlady. At last she said to him, "Herr
H----, here is a stranger from Berlin; pray, speak to him." The man
thereupon turned to me, and asked me who I was. With my usual
instinctive frankness and love of truth, I told him that I was born in
Poland, that my love of the sciences had induced me to spend some years
in Berlin, and that now I had come to Holland with the intention of
entering some situation, if an opportunity offered itself. When he heard
that I was a man of learning, he began to speak with me on various
subjects in philosophy, and especially in mathematics, in which he had
done a good deal. He found in me a man after his own heart, and we
formed at once a bond of friendship with one another.
I now went to seek the tutor from Berlin, to whom I referred before. He
introduced me to his employer as a man of high talent, who had made a
great figure in Berlin, and had brought letters of introduction from
that city. This gentleman, who made much of his tutor, as well as of
everything that came from Berlin, invited me to dinner. As my external
appearance did not appear to promise much, and I was besides thoroughly
exhausted and depressed by my sea-voyage, I made a comical figure at
table, and our host evidently did not know what to think of me. But as
he put great confidence in the written recommendation of Mendelssohn and
the oral recommendation of his tutor, he suppressed his astonishment,
and invited me to his table as long as I chose to remain here. In the
evening he invited his brothers-in-law to meet me. They were children of
B----, celebrated for his wealth as well as his beneficence; and as
they were men of learning themselves, they were expected to sound me.
They conversed with me on various subjects in the Talmud, and even in
the Cabbalah. As I showed myself thoroughly initiated into the mysteries
of this sort of learning, even explained to them passages which they
regarded as inexplicable, and untied the most complicated knots of
argument, their admiration was excited, and they believed they had come
upon a great man.
It was not long, however, before their admiration turned to hatred. The
occasion of this was the following. In connection with the Cabbalah they
told me of a godly man, who had now for many years been a resident of
London, and who was able to perform miracles by means of the Cabbalah. I
expressed some doubts on the subject, but they assured me they had been
present at performances of the kind during this man's residence at the
Hague. To this I replied as a philosopher, that I did not indeed
question the truth of their statement, but that perhaps they had not
duly investigated the matter themselves, and gave out their
pre-conceived opinions as facts. Moreover, I declared that I must regard
with scepticism the effect of the Cabbalah in general, until it is shown
that that effect is of such a kind as cannot be explained in accordance
with the known laws of Nature. This declaration they held to be heresy.
At the end of the meal the wine-cup was passed to me, that I might, in
accordance with the usual custom, pronounce the blessing over it. This
however I declined with the explanation, that I did so not from any
false shame of speaking before a number of men, because in Poland I had
been a rabbi, and had very often held disputations and delivered sermons
before large assemblies, and, in order to prove this, was now willing to
deliver public lectures every day. It was merely, I explained further,
the love of truth and the reluctance to do anything inconsistent, that
made it impossible for me, without manifest aversion, to say prayers
which I regarded as a result of an anthropomorphic system of theology.
At this their patience was completely exhausted; they reviled me as a
damnable heretic, and declared it would be a deadly sin to tolerate me
in a Jewish house. Our host, who was no philosopher indeed, but a
reasonable and enlightened man, did not mind much what they said; my
humble talents were of more value in his eyes than my piety. Accordingly
they broke up immediately after dinner, and left the house in deep
displeasure; but all their subsequent efforts to drive me from their
brother-in-law's house were fruitless. I remained in it about nine
months, lived at perfect freedom, but very retired, without any
occupation or any rational society.
Here I cannot pass over in silence an event which was remarkable both in
a psychological and in a moral point of view. In Holland I wanted
nothing but an occupation suited to my powers, and naturally, therefore,
I became hypochondriac. From feelings of satiety, not infrequently I
fell upon the idea of making away with myself, and of thus putting an
end to an existence which had become a burden to me. But no sooner did I
come to action, than the love of life always assumed the upper hand
again. Once, at the Feast of Haman, in accordance with the custom of the
Jews, I had banquetted very heartily in the house where I took my meals.
After the feast, about midnight I returned to my lodging; and as I had
to pass along one of the canals that are laid out everywhere in Holland,
it occurred to me that this was a very convenient opportunity for
carrying out the design which I had often formed. I thought to myself,
"My life is a burden. At present, indeed, I have no wants; but how will
it be with me in the future, and by what means shall I preserve my life,
since I am of no use for anything in the world? I have already resolved,
on cool reflection at different times, to put an end to my life, and
nothing but my cowardice has restrained me hitherto. Now, when I am
pretty drunk, on the brink of a deep canal, the thing may be done in a
moment without any difficulty." Already I had bent my body over the
canal, in order to plunge in; but only the upper part of the body obeyed
the command of the mind, trusting that the lower part would certainly
refuse its services for such a purpose. So I stood for a good while with
half the body bent over the water, and propped myself carefully with my
legs firmly planted on the ground, so that a spectator might have
fancied I was merely making my bow to the water. This hesitation
destroyed my whole plan. I felt like a man who is going to take
medicine, but, wanting the resolution required, raises the cup time
after time to his mouth, and sets it down again. I began at last to
laugh at myself, as I reflected that my sole motive for suicide was a
real superfluity for the present and an imaginary want for the
future.[59] I therefore let the project drop for the time being, went
home, and thus brought the serio-comic scene to an end.
Still another comical scene must be mentioned here. At the Hague there
lived at that time a woman of about forty-five, who was said to have
been very pretty in youth, and supported herself by giving lessons in
French. One day she called upon me at my lodging, introduced herself,
and expressed an irresistible desire for scientific conversation. She
declared therefore that she would visit me frequently in my lodging, and
requested the honour of a visit from me in return.
This advance I met with great pleasure, returned her visits several
times; and thus our intercourse became more and more intimate. We
conversed usually on subjects in philosophy and _belles lettres_. As I
was still at that time a married man, and, except for her enthusiasm in
learning, Madam had little attraction for me, I thought of nothing
beyond mere entertainment. The lady, however, who had been a widow now
for a pretty long while, and had, according to her own story, conceived
an affection for me, began to express this by looks and words in a
romantic manner, which struck me as very comical. I could never believe,
that a lady could fall in love with me in earnest. Her expressions of
affection therefore I took for mere airs of affectation. She, on the
other hand, showed herself more and more in earnest, became at times
thoughtful in the midst of our conversation, and burst into tears.
It was during a conversation of this sort, that we fell upon the subject
of love. I told her frankly, that I could not love a woman except for
the sake of womanly excellences, such as beauty, grace, agreeableness,
etc., and that any other excellences she might possess, such as talents
or learning, could excite in me only esteem, but by no means love. The
lady adduced against me arguments _a priori_ as well as instances from
experience, especially from French novels, and tried to correct my
notions of love. I could not, however, be so easily convinced; and as
the lady was carrying her airs to an absurd length, I rose and took my
leave. She accompanied me to the very door, grasped me by the hand, and
would not let me go. I asked her somewhat sharply, "What's the matter
with you, madam?" With trembling voice and tearful eyes she replied, "I
love you."
When I heard this laconic declaration of love, I began to laugh
immoderately, tore myself from her grasp, and rushed away. Some time
afterwards she sent me the following _billet doux_:--
/p
"Sir,
p/
I have been greatly mistaken in your character. I took you for a man of
noble thoughts and exalted feelings; but I see now that you are a
genuine Epicurean. You seek nothing but pleasure. A woman can please you
only on account of her beauty. A Madame Dacier, for example, who has
studied thoroughly all the Greek and Latin authors, translated them into
her native language, and enriched them with learned annotations, could
not please you. Why? Because she is not pretty. Sir, you, who are
otherwise so enlightened, ought to be ashamed to cherish such pernicious
principles; and if you will not repent, then tremble before the revenge
of the injured love of
/p
Yours, etc."
p/
To this I returned the following reply:--
/p
"Madam,
p/
That you have been mistaken, is shown by the result. You say that I am a
genuine Epicurean. In this you do me a great honour. Much as I abhor the
title of an _epicure_, on the other hand I feel proud of the title of
_genuine Epicurean_. Certainly it is beauty alone that pleases me in a
woman; but as this can be heightened by other qualities, these must also
be pleasing as means towards the chief end. On the other hand, I can
merely _esteem_ such a woman on account of her talents; _love_ her I
cannot, as I have already explained in conversation. For the learning of
Madame Dacier I have all respect: she could at all events fall in love
with the Greek heroes who were at the siege of Troy, and expect in
return the love of their _manes_ that were constantly hovering around
her; but nothing more. For the rest, Madam, as far as your revenge is
concerned, I do not fear it, since Time, which destroys all things, has
shattered your weapons, that is, your teeth and nails.
/p
Yours, etc."
p/
Thus ended this strange love-affair.
I discovered that in Holland there was nothing for me to do, inasmuch as
the main desire of the Dutch Jews is to make money, and they manifest no
particular liking for the sciences. Besides, in consequence of not
knowing the Dutch language, I was unable to give instructions in any
science. I determined therefore to return to Berlin by Hamburg, but
found an opportunity of travelling to Hanover by land. In Hanover I went
to a wealthy Jew,--a man who does not deserve even to enjoy his
riches,--showed him my letter of introduction from Mendelssohn, and
represented to him the urgency of my present circumstances. He read
Mendelssohn's letter carefully through, called for pen and ink, and,
without speaking a word to me, wrote at the foot:--"I also hereby
certify that what Herr Mendelssohn writes in praise of Herr Solomon is
perfectly correct." And with this he dismissed me.