handsome wedding-cake, on which the date of the wedding and of the
twenty-fifth anniversary, together with the initials of husband and
wife, are inscribed. Silver leaves may form a part of its decoration.
The bride cuts the first slice, as she did twenty-five years before. It
adds to the fun of the occasion if the cake contains a ring. Where wine
is served, it is usually champagne. The best man or some near friend or
relative may give as a toast the health of the hero and heroine of the
day, to which the husband should reply in a brief speech. There may be
other toasts and speeches. According to modern fashion, these may be
made without the accompaniment of wine. The sons and daughters of the
house should act as assistant hosts and hostesses, moving about among
the guests and extending a cordial welcome to all.
The arrangements for a golden-wedding fall naturally into the hands of a
daughter or a son. Those of the younger generation must be careful not
to behave as if they thought their parents too old and too infirm to
attend to the matter personally. It requires great tact to assist those
who are declining into the vale of years in such a way as not to depress
or sadden them or hurt their feelings. The daughter should take pains to
show that she is not trying to supersede her parents, but simply to act
as their lieutenant. She may well think out beforehand her general line
of action, and then lay it before her mother, consulting the latter as
the household general-in-chief. She may casually remind her mother that,
since the bride is spared all possible care and anxiety by her family,
the same attitude toward her should be taken at the celebration of the
fiftieth anniversary of the marriage.
There is often a reunion of the married couple and their descendants at
a large family dinner. If it is desired to include the whole circle of
friends in the celebration, this usually takes place in the daytime,
since an evening affair might be too fatiguing for the elderly pair.
Sometimes, however, a reception is held in the evening after the family
dinner. A good deal must depend on the state of health of the bride and
groom. Sons and daughters should remember that to greet and shake hands
with many people is in itself fatiguing, especially to those who are no
longer young. An afternoon reception is an appropriate way to celebrate
the fiftieth anniversary of a marriage. The invitations will be much
like those of the silver-wedding, except that the lettering should be of
gold, or black if preferred. They are usually engraved on a rather large
white card. If an answer is desired, in one corner may be the statement,
“Please send reply to Mrs. ——,” with the address of the daughter.
It is very easy to find suitable decorations, since almost any golden
flower that is in season may be pressed into service. In the fall of the
year nothing is more beautiful than goldenrod; autumn leaves also may be
used. Black-eyed Susans have a very decorative effect, the yellow
abutilon reminds the beholder of wedding-bells, and Marshal Niel roses
are always lovely. Gifts of flowers may be tied with golden ribbon.
At a fiftieth marriage anniversary which the writer recently attended, a
small reception-room leading from the drawing-room was almost filled
with presents of golden hue, although many were not made wholly of the
precious metal itself. Pictures in gilded frames, canary birds in cages
of the prevailing color of the day, were cheerful gifts of moderate
expense. A beautiful loving-cup of silver heavily gilded held the center
of the table, and within was a purse of gold pieces—a number of friends
combining to make this present. There were many other pieces of
silver-gilt, and some of solid gold. The bride received a beautiful
watch and chain, among other things; the groom a pencil and card-case of
the precious metal.
Husband and wife receive together at a golden-wedding. Sons and
daughters welcome the guests, but do not necessarily stand beside their
parents. They should have a watchful eye upon the latter, however, to
see that they do not become fatigued. One advantage of the afternoon
reception for a golden-wedding is the well-known tendency of the guests
to concentrate in the dining-room, thus giving the host and hostess an
opportunity to sit down and rest if they are tired. They remain in the
drawing-room, any refreshments they may desire being brought to them.
These will be the same as at any afternoon tea or reception. Some solid
dishes such as salads and oysters may be served, and there may be a
wedding-cake.
The golden-wedding bride may wear any color she pleases except black.
The ugly fashion of dressing elderly women in hard black is fortunately
on the wane, since it is extremely unbecoming to them. Delicate tints of
lavender and gray, trimmed with soft ruffles or lace, are appropriate
for the bride of fifty years. The groom wears formal afternoon dress,
black frock or cutaway coat, with high waistcoat to match, dark
trousers, and lavender scarf. If the bride carries a bouquet, it should,
in our opinion, be of violets, orchids, or golden flowers rather than
white ones, although some authorities favor the latter.
The fifteenth, crystal, and the twentieth, china, weddings are
occasionally observed. Friends may celebrate them informally by a
surprise party, at which gifts of porcelain or glassware are presented
to a couple whose china closets need replenishing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
VI
HOUSE AND CHURCH WEDDINGS
Dress for Bride, Bridegroom, Bridesmaids, Ushers, and Other Members of
the Bridal Party—Dress of Guests—Gifts and How to Present
Them—Etiquette of House and Church Weddings—Wedding Breakfasts and
Receptions—Entertaining Out-of-town Guests.
A GOWN of white satin, with veil of tulle, plain or lace-trimmed, or of
real lace, has long been the conventional bridal dress. While the bodice
may, in accordance with the present style, be somewhat cut out at the
neck and the sleeves reach only to the elbow, it must never be full
décolleté unless the wedding takes place in the evening. The skirt
should have a train varying in length with the fashion, but never so
long as to interfere with the bride’s movements. Several yards of satin
trailing upon the floor will result in pulling her head back at every
step, producing a very awkward and ugly effect. A creamy tint is more
becoming to most young women than a bluish shade of white. Some brides
prefer silk, fine organdie muslin, chiffon, or other soft material.
Artificial orange flowers are usually worn in the hair and sometimes on
the dress, the natural blossoms being very difficult to procure. It is
wise to engage a hair-dresser to put on the wedding-veil, since this is
a task requiring special skill. If it is to be worn over the face, a
separate piece of tulle should be used for the purpose. The maid of
honor, or first bridesmaid, takes this off when the bride turns to walk
down the aisle at the conclusion of the ceremony. White stockings with
white satin or kid slippers, long white gloves, and bouquet complete the
costume. The “shower” effect, obtained by fastening flowers at intervals
on long streamers of narrow ribbon, has, in the opinion of the writer,
an extremely artificial look; but many people admire it. The bridegroom
usually gives the bride some piece of jewelry to be worn on the eventful
day. Her ornaments should be of diamonds, pearls, or other white or
colorless stones.
The bridegroom appears in formal morning or, as it is sometimes called,
formal afternoon dress, if the ceremony takes place in the daytime.
Fashion long demanded that he should wear a frock-coat, but this
imposing garment has suffered something of an eclipse, the cutaway often
replacing it. The tailors, in solemn convocation, recently decided that
the frock-coat could not altogether be banished, since it is popular
with the great statesmen of our nation. Whichever style of coat the
groom selects, he wears with it a high-cut waistcoat to match or a white
one, dark striped trousers, lavender, gray, or white silk four-in-hand
tie, patent-leather shoes, and high silk hat. A fancy waistcoat of
another color is sometimes worn, but it must not be gay or loud. If
gloves are worn, they should be light-gray or white. His white
boutonnière bouquet is the gift of the bride, who bestows similar
decorations on the ushers. These gentlemen are all dressed alike, their
costume and that of the best man corresponding to the bridegroom’s. The
bride’s father will probably prefer a frock-coat with waistcoat to
match. As a rule all the men present at a wedding in the morning or
afternoon don formal morning dress. In the summer sack-coats and straw
hats are occasionally worn at a country wedding.
If the ceremony takes place in the evening, the groom and ushers appear
in black swallow-tail coats, with trousers to match, low-cut white
waistcoats, narrow white lawn ties, and pumps or patent-leather shoes.
The dress of the other men present is the same, though some may prefer
to wear a black dress-waistcoat to match the suit.
The bridesmaids’ costume is usually of some pretty, light color and soft
material. This should, like the bride’s, be only slightly cut down in
the neck, in the daytime. The inevitable hat is an important feature,
and often a charming “creation.” Long white gloves and a bouquet
complete the costume. The latter is the gift of the bridegroom, and
usually matches or tones in with the dress or its trimmings. The bride’s
mother wears lilac, gray, black-and-white, mauve, or some quiet color
that is becoming to her, with bonnet or hat to match. She must carefully
avoid any affectation of youth in her costume, since this would be in
poor taste and would inevitably cause unfavorable comment. Hence the
material of her gown is of heavier fabric than that chosen by the
younger members of the bridal party. Silk, satin, velvet, brocade are
all appropriate. The bodice should be practically high in the neck or
only slightly cut out, although it may have a lace yoke and trimmings.
The bride’s mother usually removes her wrap before going up the aisle,
an usher carrying it for her. The groom’s mother wears a similar
costume, the young girls of both families appearing in pretty
high-necked frocks of light color, with dressy hats. No member of the
bridal party should appear in mourning garb. The widowed mother, even,
lays it aside for the day.
At a church wedding all the women appear in hats or bonnets, according
to the modern custom. The guests wear handsome reception dress,
especially if they are going on to the house of the bride’s parents.
Those who are asked only to the ceremony wear their best street costume
with white gloves. Where the ceremony is performed at the house in the
evening, all wear evening dress and go without hats. For a home wedding
in the daytime the guests retain these, but the bride’s mother and other
members of the receiving-party appear without them.
A bride may prefer to be married quietly in traveling-dress. If this is
the costume in which she intends actually to travel, it should be of
material and color suitable for that purpose. A pretty and becoming
shade should be selected, but not an extremely delicate one. Cloth or
other woolen material is suitable for the cold months, a silken or
woolen stuff of light weight for summer. A pretty hat and white gloves
complete the costume, or, if preferred, these may correspond in color
with the dress. A bride may, if she pleases, be married in a
walking-suit of a very light color, changing this for a quieter dress
before she starts on the wedding journey. In spite of the wide
advertisement of our friend Miss Phœbe Snow, it is not in good taste to
wear white in a railway car, except in the height of summer, when
wash-dresses may be considered permissible on account of the heat. A
bride who wears white on her wedding journey stamps herself as
provincial. A young woman who is married in traveling-dress does not
have bridesmaids. If she wishes to have a friend stand up with her, the
latter also should be in street dress, with hat or bonnet.
GIFTS AND HOW TO PRESENT THEM
When a young couple are about to begin life together and to establish a
new home, they are confronted at once with the unpleasant question of
expense. To furnish their abode, however simply, takes a considerable
sum of money. Hence, somewhere in the dim past the custom of making
wedding-presents arose, friends assisting the bridal pair in the
creation of a home of their own. Sound political economy as well as
pleasant sentiment, therefore, underlies this usage. The welfare and
prosperity of the individual home promote those of the larger home—the
State.
In sending gifts to a young couple it is well to bear this truth in
mind, for, although perfectly self-evident, it is often forgotten. We
should try to select presents that will be of use to their recipients.
Their value need not be merely material; it may be spiritual or
esthetic. Beautiful pictures, books of solid and lasting interest, are
as important features of a dwelling as chairs and tables. Silverware is
a standard gift because of its usefulness. It has now grown so much
cheaper, the price being less than half what it was some years ago, that
almost any one can afford to send an article made of this metal. Some
brides have been fairly overloaded with silver, receiving far more than
they, in their modest homes, were able to use. Hence it is well to
consult a member of the bride’s family or a near friend as to what she
would really like to receive.
The main outfit of silver—a tea-service, one or more dozens of the
different sizes of forks, knives, and spoons—are given by the immediate
families of the bride and groom, when their means permit. Near
relations—aunts, uncles, and cousins—sometimes join in the gift or
supplement it with other needed articles of silverware. Friends also
send large or small pieces in accordance with their means and with the
needs of the young couple. The fashion of using ornamental and useful
appliances made of this metal for the toilette-table, the desk, etc.,
has been so run into the ground, cheap imitations have become so common,
that some other material is now preferred—ivory or tortoise-shell, for
instance.
Jewelry is so dear to the heart of woman and forms so important a
feature of dress that most brides like to receive it, even though it
cannot be classed as a necessary part of their outfit. While an elderly
friend may send a jewel, the privilege is denied to young unmarried men,
unless they are relatives. This is an old rule of Mrs. Grundy, who also
forbids the bestowal of any article of clothing by young bachelor
friends. Bric-à-brac has mercifully gone out of fashion. It is
permissible, however, to give “objects of art” that deserve the name.
Intimate friends sometimes send a dozen of sheets with embroidered
initials, or a set of handsome towels. The pretty articles of decorative
table linen now so much in vogue, lunch-cloths, centerpieces, and
doilies, make very charming wedding-gifts. China and glassware for the
table may be both pretty and useful. Relatives and old family friends
may send checks, if they choose.
When an article is marked, the maiden initials of the bride are used.
The old custom of marking silver with the initials of the given names of
both the bride and groom, together with that of the last name so soon to
belong to them both, has been revived to some extent. If the article
given is one likely to be duplicated, it is better not to have it
marked, because the bride may wish to exchange it. Indeed, some
thoughtful persons say frankly: “If you want to change this, pray do not
hesitate to do so.” While sentiment makes us desire to keep the gift
chosen by a friend, it is undeniably inconvenient to possess one dozen
pepper-pots and not a single salt-cellar! Owing doubtless to the “total
depravity of inanimate things,” there is almost sure to be an overplus
of some article and a deficit of another.
The question is sometimes asked, “When and how shall I present my gift
to the bride?”
The answer to the first query is, upon receipt of the invitation to the
wedding or as soon after as is convenient. It may happen that on account
of absence, illness, or some other good and sufficient reason the gift
is delayed. In this case one need not hesitate to send it, with a note
of explanation, after the marriage has taken place. The last gift is
sometimes received several months or even a year after the day of the
nuptials. Manifestly, however, it is best to send promptly.
There is no formal presentation, however. Only intimate friends are
privileged to place the gift in the bride’s hands. For all others custom
demands that it shall be sent—express prepaid, of course—to the house of
her parents. The family and friends of the bridegroom conform to this
rule, even when they are not personally acquainted with his fiancée. The
groom occasionally receives a few gifts for his personal use, which are
sent directly to him. The easiest, simplest, and best way of forwarding
a wedding-present is to have it despatched from the store where it is
purchased. In a large city the jeweler’s, silverware, and chinaware
shops keep small envelopes and blank cards for use, in case the
purchaser has omitted to bring her own visiting-card. On this the giver
writes her name with a brief message, such as: “With the best wishes of
——,” “With love and best wishes,” or “Wishing you all possible
happiness.” Married people use their joint card, “Mr. and Mrs. Stephen
Curtis,” for this purpose. The salesman should be instructed to remove
the price and to do the gift up in the daintiest manner, white ribbon
being often employed. It is also wise for the sender to give him her
address and ask to be notified of the due arrival of the gift. Since a
receipt is now demanded by silversmiths and others, it would be an easy
matter to give the purchaser this information, thereby saving anxiety to
her and trouble to the bride’s family. The latter are often called up on
the telephone by friends who have not at the moment received any
acknowledgment of their present.
It is the pleasant duty of the bride to write promptly, thanking her
friends cordially for the substantial expression of their good will. A
charming young woman who was about to be married said to me, “I write at
once on receiving a present; in this way I am sure to express the
delight I feel at the moment.” It is quite possible to do this when the
gifts begin to arrive. But as the time for the wedding draws near, a
bride with a large circle of friends is sometimes overwhelmed by the
great number of packages received in a single day. Those who send their
presents within three or four days of the ceremony cannot expect to have
them acknowledged speedily. If unable to write before her marriage, the
bride should do so as soon afterward as possible. A careful record of
all the gifts, with the names and addresses of the senders, should be
made by some member of the family, as fast as they arrive. Bride-books
come especially for the purpose, and will be found very convenient by
those possessing a large circle of friends and acquaintances.
In acknowledging a wedding-present it is always well either to name the
gift or to allude to it in some definite way, as for instance:
Your beautiful gift will not only make us think of you, but will
mark the passage of the hours and so help us to cultivate
punctuality.
Some persons imagine that an invitation to a wedding carries with it the
obligation to make a present, and that those not asked give nothing.
This is a mistake. It should rather be said that any one who is invited
is at liberty, but not under any obligation, to send a gift. Relatives
and intimate friends would do so, whether invited or not. Circumstances
may make it imperative to have the ceremony performed very quietly and
to omit the usual reception. It is true that many of those invited to
the bride’s house send a gift, though by no means all. A young woman who
has a large wedding will receive more presents than one who simply sends
out announcement cards after the ceremony.
The family clergyman and physician are not expected to make gifts, for
obvious reasons. Friends who are in mourning do so, even if unable to
attend the wedding. The expense of the present should be in a certain
proportion to the means of the giver. Those who are tempted to give
something more expensive than they can afford should remember that it
would be painful to a bride possessed of delicacy of feeling to think
that she had overtaxed the generosity of a friend. If one cannot afford
to spend much money, one should atone for it by giving plenty of thought
to the selection of the gift. For this purpose it is well to consult
some member of the family, or an intimate friend, about the bride’s
tastes and wishes. A present that is carefully chosen to meet the needs
of the recipient often gives more pleasure than a very expensive article
selected at random. Business associates or those who are under
obligations to either of the two families send gifts if they receive
invitations.
The custom of displaying the presents on the day of the wedding has gone
out of fashion in large cities. It is thought better to show them only
to intimate friends, who are asked to call in an informal way shortly
before the wedding-day. In country places the gifts are sometimes
exhibited at the reception on the day of the marriage. They are usually
set out in an up-stairs room, the cards of the givers being removed in
order to prevent invidious comparisons.
The guests invited to a wedding may be few or many, as the bride’s
family find convenient. If the ceremony is to take place at a large
church, invitations are often sent to all those on the visiting-lists of
the parents of both young people, as well as to the friends of the
latter. Some gracious and thoughtful brides do not forget to send to
certain persons not on their visiting-lists—humble friends who sincerely
appreciate such a remembrance. If a young woman prefers to have only her
relatives and near friends present at her marriage, she will probably
please her fiancé, for men usually dislike very much the parade and show
of a large wedding. Where only a limited circle are invited to attend
the ceremony, general invitations are sometimes sent out for the
reception following it. This arrangement can be made for either a home
or a church wedding. The bride’s mother must be careful, however, not to
overcrowd her rooms. In summer a country house may be readily enlarged
by closing in the piazzas, or a large tent may be placed on the lawn.
When the whole circle of friends and acquaintances have been invited to
the church, there will be no cause for complaint if only relatives and
intimate friends are asked to the reception.
Wedding invitations should be engraved on plain, heavy white paper of
the best quality. The family crest in white is sometimes embossed on
this. The envelopes match the paper and are without device or ornament.
The following is a proper form:
_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Louisa Alsop
to
Mr. James Otis Griswold
on the afternoon of Thursday,
the fourth of November,
at four o’clock
at the Church of the Disciples
Amsterdam Avenue and Eightieth Street
New York_
Or a blank may be left and the name of the person invited be written in.
If there are cards of admission to the church, they may read:
_Please present this card
at the Church of the Disciples
Amsterdam Avenue and Eightieth Street
on Thursday, the fourth of November_
If many guests are expected, a plan should be made of the church,
showing how the numbers of the pews run. Relatives and friends are
assigned to these in the order of their relationship or intimacy with
the family, those nearest and dearest coming next to the altar. The
number of the pew is written on the card of admission to the church. The
ushers are provided with duplicate plans, giving the names of these
special guests and the pews they are to occupy. Another method is to
have cards engraved:
_Mr. and Mrs. . . .
will please present this card to an usher_
The latter can then look up the name on his list and see which pew has
been assigned to that guest. The bride’s family and friends sit on the
left of the middle aisle, those of the groom on the right.
The invitations to the reception are usually engraved on a large white
card, according to the following formula:
_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield
request the pleasure of your company_
[or of . . . .’_s company_]
_on Thursday, the fourth of November,
at half after four o’clock
at Seventeen Waverley Place_