The first course consisted of a huge platterful of scorpions

spits-cock’d, a fricassee of young salamanders, a bailiff’s rump

roasted, baisted with its own dung, and a cock phœnix scalded in his

feathers, smother’d with melted soap and boil’d arsnick; these were

gross, substantial meats, design’d chiefly for keen appetites. The

second course contain’d six dozen of _West-India_ gwanas roasted in

their own shells, a dish of squab-hickaries poach’d, a brace of flying

dragons stew’d in their own blood, and a dish of shovel-nos’d sharks

fry’d with a leviathan in the middle, toss’d up with what’s as good for

a sow as a pancake; these were dainties that could not but be acceptable

to the most squeamish stomachs; but now for rarities that must please

the gust of an emperor. The third and last course consisted of such

spiritual nutriment, that the nicest palated soul on this side the

adamantine gates, without a surfeit, might subsist on to all eternity,

which was serv’d up to the table, in much greater order than any of the

foregoing part of the entertainment. In the first place, a dish of

metaphysical curds, swimming in the cream of eloquence, was brought to

the upper end of the table, by a devil in a long gown, upon which piece

of cookery _Lucifer_ and the _Jesuit_ fed very heartily. In the next

place a dish of pickl’d enthusiasms well pepper’d with obstinancy, and

cover’d with the vinegar of dissention, was handed to the board by a

meagre-fac’d devil in a little band and long cloak, which by abundance

of the company was highly approv’d on. The third dish was a mess of

melancholy humdrums, mix’d with sobs and sighs, and garnish’d round with

blasphemy and nonsense, serv’d up with a she devil in _querpo-hood_ and

green apron, which the whole assembly in general commended, and devour’d

as greedily as a gang of _Welsh_ drovers would do a mess of

leek-porridge, or a dish of cows bubby. When every soul had fed

plentifully, and refresh’d his immortality with a chearful dose of

spirit of sulphur, I, quoth the fool, for the jest’s sake, was appointed

to say grace after meat; and when I had discharg’d the office of a

chaplain, as comical as I could, the guests stagger’d away like so many

fluster’d long tails from a _Kentish_ feast, and so the solemnity was

ended.

I have little more news to communicate from these parts, only that

within these few months, we have had five or six thousand diabolical

spirits, return’d from their embassies in the upper world, who were many

years since commanded thither by prince _Lucifer_, to the assistance and

further establishment of our party and opinion, and had every one of

them possess’d themselves of good quarters, and lay snug in the bosoms

of our sanctified friends, but reported when they came back, that an old

trout-back apostate, who lately fell from quakerism to the church,

arming himself cap-a-pee with the armour of truth, took up the sword of

the gospel, and by downright dint of scripture and sound reason, made so

large a conquest over _Satan_’s subjects, that the devils were forc’d to

quit their possessions, and leave great numbers of our friends to the

mercy of G----d and their ecclesiastical enemies; but fresh recruits

are daily sent among you from these infernal territories, hoping in a

little time to recover our lost interest.

I would have troubled you a little further, but that _Lucifer_ being put

in a merry mood by the pleasing news of your _European Differences_, has

order’d all his jesters to be in waiting, and you know, all princes upon

publick rejoycings at court, must have their fools as well as knaves, to

attend ’em: so farewel.

J. NAYLOR.

_The_ Quakers _Answer to_ JAMES NAYLOR.

_James Naylor_,

Thy friends are all very much afflicted to hear that _Satan_ the father

of the wicked, has laid violent hands upon thee, and has drawn thee out

of the light into the land of utter darkness; if the dross of the world,

that ungodly mammon, which tempts the unwary often into the sins of the

flesh and many other iniquities, would redeem thee from thy woful

prison, where nothing is to be heard but weeping, wailing and gnashing

of teeth, we would lend thee our assistance with all our hearts; but the

spirit within us has declar’d the truth, and told us, that thy

unmerciful jaylor will take no bribe or bail, and that the debt thou art

in for, the world cannot pay, and therefore we all fear thou art

trapann’d into a loathsome gaol from whence there is no redemption. We

thought the many persecutions thou underwent’st for the l--d’s sake in

this world, (_viz._) as peeping thro’ the yoak of infamy, and losing thy

two members of attention. _Secondly_, for hugging the vagabonds

land-mark against the will of the spirit, and undergoing the rod of

correction. And, _Thirdly_, for suffering the clack of the spirit to be

bored thro’ with a hot wimble, for warranting thyself to be the true son

of thy father, would have been merits sufficient to have rais’d thee

upon the pinnacle of mount _Sion_, and there to have fixed thee as a

standing evidence of the truth to all eternity; but since the spirit

within thee prov’d a lying spirit, that extinguished the light, and led

thee like a blind guide into the dark ways of destruction; we that were

the followers of thy false glimmerings, must forsake the errors, and

seek the lord by a more perfect illumination, for the false fading

_jack-a-lanthorn_ which thou leftest among us, is burn’d into the

socket, and now stinks in the nostrils of the righteous, far worse than

the dying snuff of a cotton-candle; besides, what spiritual pilgrim in

his progress to the land of the living, would follow a wicked

_Will-with-a-wisp_, who has led a friend before into dark ways, and

there left him to grope among the filthiness of sin and pricks of

conscience to all eternity? no, if we follow thy ways, we shall err like

stray’d sheep, and be pounded by _Satan_ for wand’ring into the paths of

the wicked.

That the father of lies, upon thy first entrance into his wicked

habitation, should put thee into a fool’s jacket, we do not much wonder,

for the painted marks of folly are _Satan’s_ gay livery, with which he

cloaths his wicked servants in this world as well as in his dominions;

for didst thou ever behold on earth the sons of darkness, who follow the

lust of the flesh, and delight in those pomps and vanities which the

inward man forbids our frail natures to pursue, but they always were

distinguish’d by some gaudy badge, which discovered their pride, or

other infirmities? do not the high-priests of _Baal_ wear lawn

coversluts, and their head journeymen red pokes upon their backs? do not

flatterers of princes wear badges on their breasts, and adorn their

spindle-shanks with glittering gimcracks? do not their lazy slaves wear

blue and yellow, that the world may know whose fools they are? do not

the blessers of their food wear silken ornaments dangling from their

proud necks to their ancles, that the publick may mistake them to be

wiser than their neighbours? do not the captains of the host hoop their

loins with golden sashes, and stick feathers in their caps to fright

their foes with their finery? do not judges wear gowns of a crimson die,

and the great men of the law wear the skull-caps of knavery, with the

edges tipp’d with innocence, to deceive the vulgar? do not physicians

ride in coaches with the weapons of destruction ty’d dangling at their

arses, as it they were hurrying on a full trot to kill and not recover

their patients? do not haughty vintners hypocritically tye on their blue

ensigns of humility, to cozen their customers into an opinion of their

lowliness? do not whoremongers and adulterers thatch their empty noddles

with whole thickets of whores-hair? and do not wanton women wear turrets

on their heads, and cover their tails with the bowels of the silk-worms?

do not drunkards wear red noses, knaves hawks eyes, and liars impudent

faces? in short, friend _Naylor_, most people upon earth have some badge

or other of _Satan_’s livery; even kings themselves wear purple, and the

whores of _Babylon_ scarlet; therefore our friends are all of one

opinion, that since thou departed’st so far from the light, as to suffer

wicked _Satan_ to decoy thee into his trapsoul of eternal darkness, he

has done thee but justice to put thee into a fool’s coat, that every

time thou art thoughtful of thy miserable confinement, thou may’st look

upon thy party-coloured livery, and cry with a pitiful voice, alas, what

a fool am I! which is all the comfort thy friends who are sorrowful for

thy condition, are able to administer unto thee at this immensurable

distance.

We are very glad to here that _Satan_ is no niggard in his family, but

like a generous host, provides so plentiful a table for his numerous

guests: we thy Friends upon earth, have taken his infernal food into our

serious consideration, and have resolv’d, _nemine contradicente_, to

lead a starving life upon earth, rather than enter his palace-gate to be

beholden to him for a dinner. We shew’d thy bill of fare to our friend

_Roberts_, at the _White hart_ in _Chancery-lane_, approv’d by the

wicked men of the law, who love to profane their stomachs with fine

feeding, to be as nice a gratifier of luxurious palates as ever handled

ladle; and he declareth for truth, by the motion of the spirit, that

tho’ he has often roasted a cod’s-head larded with bacon without tying

it upon the spit, boil’d a pound of butter stuff’d with anchovies

without melting it, grilliado’d jelly of harts-horn without dissolving

it, fry’d a jackboot into incomparable tripe, stew’d pebble-stones till

they have become as soft as stew’d prunes, and has made good savoury

sauce with an addled egg and kitchin-stuff, yet he acknowledges himself

wholly ignorant how to dress any one dish thou hast mentioned in the

catalogue of thy dainties, and therefore desires thou wilt do him the

friendly kindness to acquaint us in the next letter, what sort of cook

_Satan_ has got in his kitchin; and if he be a friend, whether thou

think’st our friend _Coquus_’s wife mayn’t be admitted as his scullion,

in case she would become a servant in thy master’s family, for she is

grown so peevish, he is willing to part with her. So hoping thou wilt

give us an account the next opportunity, we rest thy, _Loving Friends_.

From LILLY to COOLEY the _Almanack-maker_ in Baldwin’s-Gardens.

_My dear old bottle-friend and companion_,

_Ever since I took a trip into this lower world, and left you (by the

help of Moon-groaping and Star-fumbling) to project almanacks, predict

prodigies, and conjure up lost spoons, stoln good, and stray’d cattle, I

have had no opportunity of paying my respects to you, till now, for ’tis

so abominably up hill from our world to yours, that none but the devil

himself is able to climb it, he being forced to creep upon all-four,

like a squirrel up a nut-tree, all the way of his journey; and had I

sent a letter by his cloven-footed worship, I was fearful you would not

have thought him, at your years, a proper messenger. I hear, since I

left you, you are grown as grey as a badger, and that you are approv’d

by all cook-maids, porters-wives and basket-women, to be the most

eminent bodkin and thimble-hunter of all the_ Ptolemeans _in the town,

and by the help of the twelve heavenly houses and their seven twinkling

inhabitants, not only undertake, but make wonderful discoveries.

Flat-caps and blue-aprons, I hear haunt your door every morning, as

hawkers do a publisher’s, or journeymen-taylors a_ Smithfield _cook’s at

noon, some for a sixpenny, and some a twelvepenny slice of your

Astrological judgment, of which, to show your honesty to the world, you

give them such lumping pennyworths, that you have made the noble

science of Heaven-peeping as cheap to the publick, as boil’d tripe in_

Fee-lane, _or bak’d sheeps-head in your own element_ Baldwin’s-gardens.

_I am joyful to hear you are grown so great a proficient in the

celestial gimcracks; but indeed, when I first knew you a joyner at_

Oxford, _that us’d to make cedar cases for close-stool pans, I thought

you as ingenious a mechanick in your way, as he that invented a

mouse-trap or a nut-cracker, but little thought then, you would have

laid down the plane and the hand-saw, of which you were an absolute

master, to take up_ Albumazar’_s weapons, the celestial globe and

compasses, to which you were a mere stranger: but however, Astrology

being a kind of liberal science all men I know are free to dive into the

mystery, from the whimsey headed scholar, to the strolling tinker;

therefore your leather-apron and glue-pot are no disparagement to your

pursuit of the seven wandring informers, any more than it is a scandal

to a mountebank to be first a fool, and then a travelling physician_.

Gadbury _we know was no more than a country botcher, before he was

admitted as a tenant into the twelve houses; and_ Partridge _was no more

than a_ London _cobler, before he was made running footman to the seven

planets; yet both these students in Astrology have arriv’d, I hear, to

as great an eminency in their heavenly profession, as ever was acquired

by the famed Dr._ Saffold, _or his successor_ Case, _by long study and

experience, in the noble arts of Poetry and Physick. Therefore why may

not that spurious issue of a Carpenter call’d a Joiner, make as

legitimate an Astrologer, as profound a Conjurer, as infallible a

Fortune-teller, as the best of them; nay better, if he knows but to use

his tongue like a smoothing-plane, and can take down the roughness of

some peoples incredulity, then may he work them as he does his

deal-boards, till he has glu’d or nail’d them fast to his own interest.

These are the talents for which I hear you are famous above other

Astrologers, and that by downright dint of craft, pout and banter, you

have wheedled more money in your time out of chamber-maids,

cook-wenches, old bawds, midwives, nurses, and young strumpets, than

ever was got by the rug and leather, luck in a bag, or that in most

excellent juggle on the cards, call’d_ preaching the parson: _nay if all

the gains that you have made of these three profitable inventions were

to be join’d together; besides a whole mustard-pot full of

broad-pieces, a drudging-box full of guineas, a meal-tub full of crowns

and half crowns, and an old powdering-tub full of shillings and

sixpences, which lie parcel’d up in your own house, I hear that you have

several hundreds of pounds in the_ Stationers _company, which, besides

the interest of the money, entitles you every year to four good dinners

in the hall, as many noddles full of rare claret, and four pockets full

of venison-pasty for your female deputy, who is said to be a notable

understrapper to you in the business of Astrology, and is of as much

service to you as a second to a merry-andrew, for without the one, the

other could do nothing_.

_I cannot but highly approve of the method I observe in your almanacks,

for since you write every year four_, i. e. _three in other persons

names, and one in your own, you have wisely projected a way to be

infallibly right in your predictions of the weather, which are commonly

varied under no more than four several denominations in any one of the

four seasons; so that by making your prognostications in every almanack

different, one must certainly tell right, and by keeping all four in

your pocket, which I am inform’d you have cunning enough to take care

of, by plucking out that which you know is agreeable and falls right,

declaring yourself to be the author, you gain reputation, and by this

juggle make some fools in your company believe that you have the stars

at more command, than a Haberdasher of dead bodies has his linkmen at a

funeral. This piece of cunning none of the celestial fraternity can

justly blame you for, every artist well knowing a juggler and an

astrologer are as inseperable companions as a bawd and a midwife, or a

lawyer and a knave, for either without the other, like an adjective

without a substantive, would be unable to stand by himself._

_Of all the almanacks that are extant, none are so valuable in these

subterranean regions as your own; few hawkers travel into these parts

but they bring whole baskets full along with them, and the cry of_

Cooley’_s almanack for two months in the year, is as universally bawl’d

about hell’s metropolis, as mackrel among you when they come to be six a

groat, or_ Chichester _lobsters when they stink at midsummer. Of all

the_ almanacks _brought among us, prince_ Lucifer _gives yours the

preference and never goes without one in his pocket, to put him in mind

of an_ Holy Rood _day, that his devilship may not lose his nutting

time. Your last_ English merlin _but one, wanted of the four cardinal

points, for which piece of forgetfulness, the devil in a great rage

cry’d he ow’d you a shame, and I was since inform’d, that one of our

infernal plenipotentiaries upon earth discharg’d his master’s promise in

a short time after, at the_ Darby _alehouse in_ Fulwood’s _rents; by the

same token, the liquor had so eclips’d your distinguishing faculties,

that instead of a tankard of warm ale, that stood by you, you took hold

of the candlestick, and in a drinking posture convey’d the lighted

candle to your mouth, the taste of which was so intolerable to your

lips, that you flung it away in a great passion, believing ’twas the

tankard of drink, and swore the bitch of a wench had made it so scalding

hot there was no drinking it. This unhappy accident occasion’d some

ill-natur’d people to reflect on you, and say, how should you know a

star from a kite-lanthorn, that could not distinguish between a tankard

of warm ale and a lighted candle?_

_I have no news from these parts that can be welcome to a man of your

gravity and profession. As for astrologers, they are no more regarded in

this kingdom, than an honest man in your world, or a modest woman in a

theatre, for the best employment that most of them aspire to here, is to

carry a closestool-pan upon their back after a quack-doctor, which

savory receptacle being put in a square case, makes our fraternity look

like so many raree-show men loaded with their boxes of dancing baubles._

_I must confess, doctor_ Saffold, _that famous student in physick,

poetry and astrology, whose verse was as good an emetick, as his pills

were a purge, being_ Lucifer’_s peculiar favourite, was advanc’d to the

dignity of being flea catcher to his royal consort; but the other day

had like to have lost his place, by chasing one of his lady’s little

enemies into her_ mount of Venus, _and beating the bush to start the

game, was so wonderfully pleas’d at the pastime, that the old fool could

not forbear laughing, which ill manners so inflam’d the infernal

duchess, that she vow’d, except he would down on his knees and kiss what

he laugh’d at, she would never forgive him; upon which the poor doctor

was forc’d to join beards, or else would have been turned out, to his

eternal shame as well as misery_.

Albumazar _and_ Ptolomy _are set up like the two loggerheads at St._

Dunstan’_s church, and once in an hundred years they strike upon an huge

bell the number of the centuries from the fall of_ Lucifer, _that the

devils and the damn’d may know how eternity passes; for you must

imagine, as a quarter of an hour is to the time of your world, so is an

hundred years to the eternity of ours, every watch goes here at least

ten thousand years with but one winding up, for their movements, like

our form and substance, are all spiritual, and the worst artist we have

among us, your_ Fleetstreet Tompion _is but a mere blacksmith to; as for

my own part, I trudg’d for the first six months after Dr._ Ponteus,

_with a steeple-crown’d conveniency, as I mentioned before, but having

always such a stink of_ devil’s-dung _in my nostrils, I petitioned for a

remove, and was admitted to be a yeoman of the bason to_ Lucifer’_s

cloven-hoofs, to pick, wash, and refresh them after his return from

earth, which he visits very often for the preservation of his interest

in the upper world; and the worst inconveniency I find is, that his

worship’s feet smell worse after much walking than a sweating negro’s_.

_But, however, my old friend, let not this discourse discourage you from

venturing to come among us, or frighten you into a repentance of your

frauds and subtilties, that may carry you another way; for a man of your

merits, learn’d in Astrology from the very nose of the_ great bear, _to

the extreme point of the_ dragon’s tail, _and skilful in the

Mathematicks, from the mensuration of a surface to the most profound

nicety in solid Geometry, need not question, but that your old

acquaintance and assistant_ Satan, _who has faithfully stood by you upon

all occasions, will bestow some reputable post upon you, answerable to

the gravity and skill of so understanding a wiseacre, to whom I

subscribe my self a loving friend and brother_ Philomat.

LILLY.

COOLEY’_s Answer to_ LILLY.

_SIR_,

_I would have you to know, I am not so far in my dotage, but I have

reason enough left plainly to discern I am very much affronted in your

ironical letter: as for my part, Mr. mean it as you please, I take it in

good earnest, for it is not consistent with my temper and gravity at

these years, to like such unmannerly jesting. Time was, I was a young

fellow, that would have scolded with a butter-whore, box’d a carman, or

have scribled scurrilously with any_ Lilly _in the universe; but, alas!

when a man has liv’d in this world to the age of near seventy, and has

had familiar conversation with all the foolish women in the town,

puzzled his brains with more angles, circles, squares, pentagons,

hexagons, heptagons, and parallellopipedons_, &c. _than ever has been

yet found in that most famous introduction to the mathematicks, call’d_

Euclid’s Gimcracks, _pour’d as much_ Derby _ale thro’ his guts every

year as would have fill’d the great fatt at_ Heidelburg, _and

metamorphosed as much tobacco into smoak every month, as would have put

a whole county into a mist; I think ’tis high time for a man to have

done with discord, and begin to compose himself into a little harmony;

therefore I take it ill you should attack me in my old age, especially

when you have Hell on your side, and the devil and all to help you_.

_What, tho’ I was a joiner at_ Oxford, _and once to shew myself a good

workman, made a cedar close-stool case for the dean of_ Christ-Church,

_I question not but one time or other for the excellency of its work, it

will be carried into the library, and be there preserv’d as a monument

of its maker’s glory to all succeeding ages, when you will have no

remains to put the world in mind of you, but your old conjuring

countenance, painted upon a sign, and hung up over_ Black-friers

_gateway, subscribed with a little paultry poetry, fit for no body’s

reading but a parcel of country hobbies, who have left the plow and the

flayl, to come up to_ London _to be cozen’d out of the fruits of their

labour. It is well known, I was born and educated in a learned air, and

tho’ a man be bred a cobler in that climate, he cannot help being a

scholar, if he but furnish’d with as much brains as will fill a

cockleshell. I confess, I have not had the honour to be entered of a

college, yet by my own chamber-study, without a tutor, having a good

natural genius, I could tell you how many parts of speech there were, by

that time I was eighteen years of age; and I will appeal to the world,

who may judge by my conversation, whether I have not made a wonderful

advancement within these 50 years, insomuch that you may see I dare

write_ Philomath, _in the very title page of my almanack; and

therefore, Mr. am not to be banter’d at these years. You have the

confidence, in several parts of your letter to call me conjurer, tho’ I

must tell you, Mr. by the way, you are the first person that ever

thought me so. ’Tis true, I do sometimes when I am well paid for it,

erect a scheme in search of lost goods, or stray’d cattle, and do

presume_ secundum artem, _to send the querent east, west, north, or

south, a mile or two distance from the loser’s house, to search within

six doors of the sign of the four-footed beast, and if they cannot find

the thief one way, I can send them as far another for a new fee; and all

this I can justify by the rules of Astrology as well as any man; but

must an artist for this be called a conjurer, and by a person too who

has been a professor of the same science? Indeed, old acquaintance, I

take it very unkindly, because you yourself must needs know we are

honest men that deserve no such character. As for my mistaking the

lighted candle for a tankard of hot ale, I remember nothing of the

matter; but_ Bacchus _tho’ he be no planet, yet all men know he has a

great ascendency over us mortals, and what he might influence me to do,

when the light of reason, by which we see to distinguish, was eclipsed,

I know not; but I am morally sure, when my senses are about me I am not

easily to be so deceived; for I presume to know a pig from a dog, or the

difference between a Thing and cartwheel, as well as_ Ptolomy _himself

were he now living_.

_You say, to my reputation, that my almanacks sell beyond any body’s in

your subterranean country, and that_ Lucifer _himself is never without

one in his pocket: I am very glad to hear he is so much my friend, as to

give mine the preference, and for his civility intend to send him one

next year well gilt on the back, and bound up in calves-leather, by the

hand of some friend or other, that shall swim in_ Derby _ale to the very

gates of his palace; such a wet soul that shall be as welcome as a

shower of rain to your drowthy dominions. The pleasing news you have

sent me is, that my works are so vendible in your parts, for I assure

you, upon your intelligence, I shall raise the price of my copy the next

year; for if my almanacks sell as well in hell as they do upon earth, I

am sure the company of_ Stationers _must get the devil and all by them.

So I rest yours between enmity and friendship._

H. COOLEY.

_From_ TONY LEE _to_ CAVE UNDERHILL.

_Brother_ Cave,

Considering how often you have jested in the grave to please _Betterton_

prince of _Denmark_, I wonder the grave by this day has not been in

earnest with you, that in process of time, when the churchyard vermin

have feasted themselves upon your cadaver, your own scull may become a

jest to some other grave-digger. I must confess when I left you, you

were a sociable sort of a drunkard, and pretty little peddling sort of a

whoremaster, but I hear since, you have droop’d within a few years into

such a dispirited condition, that ’tis as much as a plentiful dose of

the best canary can do to remove the hyppocon for a few minutes, that

you may entertain your friends with a little of your comick humour,

grac’d with that agreeable smile that has always rendered what you say

delightful, and that it is not in the subtile power of intoxicating

_Nantz_ to add new life to that decay’d member, which has in a manner

taken leave of this world before the rest of your body; you have so

often been used to a grave in your life-time, that I think you never

wanted a _memento mori_ to put you in mind of mortality: death sure can

be no surprize to a merry mortal, who has so often jested with him upon

the stage, and and I long to hear when the grinning skeleton shall shake

you by the hand, and say, _Come, old duke_ Trinculo, _thy last sands are

running, thy ultimate moment is at hand, and the worms are gaping for

thee_. What a jocular answer you will make to the thin-jaw’d

executioner, for every comedian ought to die with a jest in his mouth to

preserve his memory, for if he makes not the audience laugh as he goes

off the stage, he forfeits his character, and his fame dies with his

body; therefore I would advise you to set your wits on work to prepare

yourself, that as you have always liv’d by repeating other peoples wit,

you may not make your exit like a fool, but show you have some remains

of your own juvenile sparklings to oblige the world with at your last

minute.

I hear the effects of your debaucheries are tumbled into your pedestals,

and make you walk with as much deliberation as Mr. _Cant_ preaches;

when a man is once so founder’d by the iniquity of his life, that his

full speed is no faster than a snail’s gallop, and that his memory and

his members both equally fail him, it is full time that he was travell’d

to his journey’s end; for with what comfort can a man live in the world

when it is grown weary of him? young men I know look upon you as

superannuated, and had rather see a death’s-head and an hour-glass in

their company, than see you make wry faces at your rheumatick twitches,

or hear you banter upon your old gouty pains, and the past causes

thereof between jest and earnest. When a man once comes to answer a

bawdy question over the bottle silently, that is, with a feign’d simper

and a shake of the head, no body cares a fart for him, he is good for

nothing at those years, but, like _Solomon_’s proverbs, to let young men

foresee that worldly pleasures, when they come to be old, are but

_vanity and vexation of spirit_; and to stir up young women to despise

the impotency of old age, which their fumbling fathers in vain admonish

them to reverence. A young comedian is apt to make every body his jest;

but when arriv’d at your years, himself becomes a jest to every body.

Youth gives an air to wit that renders it delightful, but for an old man

to pretend to talk wisely, is like a musician’s endeavouring to fumble

out a fine sonata upon a wind-broach, tho’ the time be good, the

instrument is imperfect, and the organs want that sound which should

give a grace to the harmony. Some men at sixty, are apt to flatter

themselves in publick under the imbecilities of nature, and will

boastingly say, they can do every thing as well as they could at thirty;

but experienced women, who are the best judges of human decay, are too

sensible of their error, and, if modesty would give ’em leave, could

easily demonstrate the difference. I thank my stars, I knew not by

experience the winter of old age, but made my exit in the beginning of

my autumn; but yet I found what nature at midsummer esteem’d a pleasure,

was even then become a drudgery; and what used to be a refreshment to

life, was found but a slavish exercise to the body; therefore I heartily

pity your impotent condition, who has near twenty years surviv’d your

grand climateric, till thou art forc’d to crawl about the world with a

load of diseas’d flesh upon thy back, and art no less than a

sumpter-horse to thy own infirmities. Methinks I see thee creeping upon

the surface of the earth, upon a feeble pair of gouty supporters, thy

loins swath’d up in flannel, leaning upon a crutch-head cane, and

bending towards thy mother earth, who catches thee at every stumble,

sometimes reflecting on the past pleasures of human life, and sometimes

looking forward with imperfect eyes, towards the doubtful state of

immortality, grinning as you walk at the gaiety of youth, and snarling

in thy thoughts at those delights the weakness of thy age has put thee

past enjoying; pursuing only that pleasure, which tho’ thy youth made

vicious, is in age become thy support; that is, the bottle, which in thy

younger days was oft made nauseous by excess; but wise experience now

has taught thee sure to make the darling comfortable by a seasonable

moderation: methinks I see thee use it now with caution, as if you hop’d

by every glass you drank, to strengthen nature’s union, and keep your

soul and body still from separation.

The ghost of a comedian in these shades is but an useless piece of

immortality, for all the entertainments upon the stages of our infernal

theatres are very tragical, no smile, no merry looks, or monky gestures

us’d by your merry-andrews upon earth to provoke your listning audience

to a laughter, are fashionable in these parts. If you intend to come

among us, you must learn to howl, to grin, and gnash your teeth, unless

you can make yourself so compleat a philosopher as to laugh at your own

misery. Horror, darkness, and despair o’erspread the whole dominion, and

our tyrannical prince is never better pleas’d than when he sees his

subjects the most miserable. As for my part, as merry a representative

of some foolish plebeian as I was in the upper world, I cannot in these

melancholy grottos for the heart of me, frame so much as one chearful

conceit to mitigate those torments, which by virtue of our diabolical

laws are perpetually inflicted upon me: therefore those who betake

themselves to these regions ought to arm themselves with abundance of

resolution; for whoever flinches beneath their pains, do but encrease

their punishment, for which reason I advise you to consider what you

have to trust to, if your journey be downwards; and if you find it in

your power, to divert your coming hither with prayers and tears to

heaven, or else I must tell you in good earnest, you may jest on as I

did, till you die and be damn’d like your humble servant,

ANTHONY LEE.

CAVE UNDERHILL’_s Answer to_ TONY LEE.

_Honest Friend_ Tony,

When I first read your letter, as merry as the world thinks me, I was

struck with such a terrible tremulation, that it was as much as three

gulps of my brandy-bottle could do to put my chill’d blood into its

regular motion; I had no sooner recover’d myself, but thinking of death

and the devil, which I had scarce done in sixty years before, I fell

into such an extravagant fit of praying, that if any body had heard me,

they would sooner have guess’d me, by the length of my devotion, to have

been a _Presbyterian_ parson than duke _Trinculo_ the comedian; it was

the first time that ever I found myself in earnest in my life, and I was

suddenly sensible of so vast a difference betwixt that and jesting, that

I believe for a whole hour together I was chang’d from an old comical

merry-andrew, into a new sorrowful penitent and was I to con over your

letter but once in a day, I believe it would go near to fright me into

abundance of religion, which we players, you are sensible, seldom or

never think on, except we are put in mind on’t by some extraordinary

accident; and the main reason I believe why we are not over-burthen’d

with zeal, is our drolling upon the clergy, by representing Mr.

_Spintext_ the preacher, or Mr. _Lovelady_ the chaplain, after a

ridiculous manner for the loose audience to laugh at; which we repeat so

often, till at last we are apt to fancy religion as well as the teachers

of it, to be really no more than what we make them, that is, a meer

jest, and worthy only to be smil’d at and not to be listen’d to.

Certainly you have a very good intelligence in your world, of the

circumstances of us who dwell above you, or else you are the devil of a

guesser, for you seem in your letter, to have as true a sense of my

condition as if you were an eye-witness of it; for to tell you the truth

on it, I find all the members of my body in such a fumbling condition,

that I begin to think of a leap in the dark, and to wonder what in a

little time will become of me; the people are still pleas’d to see me

crawl upon the stage; indeed the shuffling pace that age and decay hath

brought me to, makes the audience as merry as if it were a counterfeit

gesture to provoke laughter; but, i’faith, brother _Tony_, that which

makes them glad makes me sad, insomuch, that my heart has aked every

time these five years, when I have play’d the sexton in _Hamlet_, for

fear when I am once got into the grave, the grim tyrant should give me a

turn over the perch, and keep me there for jesting with mortality.

Nature, which finds herself declining in me, is so greedy of new breath,

that I gape as I crawl for the benefit of the fresh air, as if I was

jaw-fallen, and those humming insects that are a pestiferous calamity

this hot weather to all cooks-shops and sugar-bakers, are so unmannerly,

that they fly over those few palisadoes of my breathing-hole that are

left, and dung t’other side the pails, as if they took my mouth for a

house of office; nay, sometimes in creeping along the length of a

street, I have had my tongue so fly-blown, that had I not gone into a

tavern and wash’d them off with a pint of canary, I don’t know, but my

whole head might have been as full of maggots in a little time, as a

sheep’s arse at _Midsummer_.

I find the greatest curse of my old age is, my desire surviving my

capacity, for I protest, my inclinations are as youthful as ever, tho’

my ability is quite superannuated.

I am just now entring into a fit of the gout, which so terrifies me,

that I pray one half minute, and curse the other, like a true bred

seaman in a storm, therefore am forc’d to break off, blood and wounds,

abruptly.

_So farewel_,

CAVE UNDERHILL.

_From Alderman_ BLACKWELL _to Sir_ CHARLES DUNCOMBE.

Hearing what a noisy reputation you have acquir’d within the walls of

_England_’s metropolis, and what a popular rumble your politick

generosity makes over the heads of us, out of whose ruins you have, true

citizen like, erected your own welfare, I could no longer forbear

putting you in mind of some of your former managements, left some

rakehelly rhime-tagger or other, should flatter you to believe you have

honesty and integrity enough to qualify you for a bishop; I took you a

meer bumkin, and taught you your trade for a basket of turky-eggs, and

therefore it highly concerns your prudence to consider the obligation

you lie under of carrying yourself to the world with all humility, tho’

aspir’d to the very pinnacle of prosperity, since the first cause of

your advancement dropp’d out of the fundament of a turkey: the eggs, as

an argument of their being new laid, I remember were besmeared with

excrementitious tokens of good luck, which make me fancy, when I

received them, they were beshitten omens of your future fortune, in

whose behalf they were presented me.

Birds have often shew’d their tenderness and compassion to mankind:

eagles have preserv’d infants in their nests, who have afterwards become

singularly prosperous in the ages they have liv’d in. _Sappho_ rais’d

himself to the reputation of a God among the _Persians_ by parrots, and

yourself to the grandeur of an alderman by your mother’s hen turkies:

for in all wonderful effects the leading cause ought to be reverenc’d

and respected.

Nothing conduces more to the rise and riches of a citizen, than these

three qualifications; nor can a man be a compleat trader without them:

_First_, To be a hypocrite undiscernably: _Secondly_, A knave, and not

mistrusted: And _Thirdly_, To be diligent in all matters that concern

his own interest. These profitable talents I must needs confess you are

absolute master of, and managed them with that admirable cunning, that I

always conceiv’d a different opinion of you, till I had given it

irrevocably into your power to feather your own nest, by compleating of

my ruin; and like a true politician (I thank you) you made an excellent

use of the lucky opportunity: for when the vicissitude of fortune had

put my affairs in a little disorder, and I thought it best for the

safety of my person to take foreign sanctuary, what friendly protections

did you make, from the teeth outwards, of the faithful service you

would do me in my absence, in order to compose and settle matters after

such a manner, that all the difficulties should be remov’d and made

easy, that had lessen’d my credit, and occasion’d me to withdraw? Upon

which, I being too forward to believe a person, I had rais’d from

sheep-skin breeches, and leathern shoe-ties, to the substance and

reputation of a topping citizen, could never forget the obligation he

lay under to do me justice, as to prove treacherous to his master,

trusted you alone with my whole effects, and the sole power of managing

my affairs according to your own discretion: but you, like a faithful

steward, when my back was turn’d, instead of endeavouring to support my

declining reputation, lessen’d my circumstances to my creditors far

beneath their real estimate, till you had bought up my notes to the sum

of a hundred thousand pounds, for an eighth part of their value, on your

own behalf, with the ready specie I had left you to compound my matters;

and like an honest man return’d them upon me at their full contents,

cheating my creditors of seven parts in eight of their due, sinking the

money to yourself, and leaving, like an ungrateful wretch, the kindest

of all masters to die a beggar; in this, I say, you shew’d yourself a

compleat citizen: _First_, A hypocrite in dissembling friendship to me:

_Secondly_, A knave, in cheating me and my creditors; And _Thirdly_, An

industrious man, in diligently converting so fair an opportunity so

foully to your own interest.

Upon this basis (when downright knavery, according to the city phrase

was term’d outwitting) you rais’d a popular esteem to yourself for being

a wealthy man, and a cunning one, and as I have since heard, daily

improv’d your riches as honestly as you got it; and by changing broad

money into less, made your sums the larger: a pretty sort of a paradox,

that a man by diminution should raise an increase: but the deed was

darker than the saying, yet both very intelligible to money’d citizens

in the age you live in. It is no great wonder, if rightly consider’d,

that a man of your dealing should acquire such vast riches, since you

were so well belov’d by your under agents, that scarce a sessions pass

for seven years together, but one or other was hanged for the

propagation of your interest, whilst yourself stood secure behind a

bulwark of full bags, that skreen’d your person from the law, and your

reputation from the danger of common slander.

Another fortunate opportunity you had of heaping more muck upon your

fertile possessions, and manuring those mighty sums you had before

collected, was the misfortunes of your prince, which largely contributed

(as you honestly order’d the matter) to your further prosperity.

Fourscore thousand pounds more added to your preceeding stock, was,

indeed, enough to make a reasonable man contented; but as nothing less

than the conquest of the whole world could satisfy the ambition of

_Alexander_; so nothing, I am apt to think, but the riches of the

universe, can quench the unbounded avarice of so aspiring a _Crœsus_.

But oh the disappointments that attend the proud and wealthy! what

signifies three hundred thousand pounds to an ambitious alderman, if he

cannot take a peaceable nod in his elbow-chair of state, and be

registered in the city-annals, lord-mayor of _London_, that posterity

may read _Duncombe_ and his turkies were as much renowned in the age

they liv’d in, as _Whittington_ and his cat? I am heartily sorry (since

fortune’s favours, and your own indefatigable knavery, have so happily

concurr’d to make you rich) that the electors of the city would not also

agree to make you honourable; and that your oracle of time, that publick

monument of your generosity, with your promise of a mansion-house for

the city-magistrate, and the twelve apostles to be elevated at the

east-end of St. _Paul_’s, will not all prevail upon the livery-men of

_London_ to chuse you into the trust and dignity, which would very

highly become a person of your worth, honour, and integrity. But, as I

well remember, one of the eggs was rotten, which I have since reflected

on, and think it reasonable to judge, if there be any divination by

eggs, that it predicted your hopes would be addled in this very affair;

and do therefore advise you for the future, to decline all thoughts of

the mayoralty. I am very well pleas’d that you deal barefac’d to the

world in one particular, which is, that tho’ you keep a chaplain in your

house to feed your ears with a few minc’d instructions, yet you

entertain two mistresses publickly in your family, to reduce the

rebellious flesh into an orderly subjection; from whence your neighbours

may see, in matters of religion you are no hypocrite, but openly do

that which more secret sinners would be asham’d to be caught in, who

perhaps are full as wicked, tho’ they hide their vices with a sanctify’d

coverslut, whilst you professing not much religion, scorn to make so ill

a use as a cloak, of that little you are bless’d with.

I fear you are grown too bulky in estate to be long-liv’d in prosperity,

you are a well-fed fish to be caught nibbling at the bait, and abundance

of great men are angling for you; if you are once hamper’d by the hook,

you will not shake yourself off easily: and methinks it’s pity a man

that, I have some reason to say, has got an estate knavishly, should

ever run the hazard of losing it foolishly; but preserve it according to

the custom of the city, to build an alms-house after your decease, that

may maintain about the thousandth part of as many people when he is

dead, as he has cheated when he was living.

_So farewel_,

BLACKWELL.

_The Answer to Alderman_ BLACKWELL.

_SIR_,

Who would ever be a servant, if it were not for the hopes of being at

one time or other as good a man as his master? It’s the thoughts of

bettering our own conditions without danger, that makes a man submit

with patience to a servile subjection: but he that can govern his

master, will never truly obey him; and he that finds he can outwit him,

will be no longer his fool. Nature made us freemen alike, and gave us

the whole world to seek our fortunes in; and he that by either wit,

strength or industry, can straddle over the back of another, has the

riding him for his pains. If one man that is poor, worms a rich man out

of his estate, it is but changing condition with one another, and the

world in general is not a jot the worse for it: besides, in most mens

opinions, he best deserves an estate that has cunning enough to get one,

and wit enough to keep it when he has got it. I know no injustice but

what is punishable by the laws of the land; and if I can acquire an

estate, tho’ fifty men starve for it, that the laws will protect me in,

I think myself as rightfully possess’d as any man in the kingdom: he

that is bubbled out of an estate will certainly fall under the character

of a fool; and he that gets one will be as surely suspected for a knave;

no man enjoys the reputation of an honest man, but he who bribes the

world by courtesies into that opinion of him; and he who, like myself,

scorns to be at the charge of purchasing on’t, shall be sure never to

enjoy the character. Honesty and courage may be said to stand upon one

bottom, for all men would derogate from both, and be knaves and cowards

if they durst; for its the fear of being piss’d upon by every body, that

makes men fight soberly; and the fear of punishment that makes men live

honestly; yet a politick coward often passes for a brave man for want of

being try’d; and an arrant knave, for want of opportunity for a very

honest fellow.

You blame me for building my own welfare out of your ruin, and charge me

with knavery for taking the advantage of your folly; I am of that old

opinion, that all mankind are either fools or knaves; and it is a maxim

in my politicks, that he who will not be a knave, the world will make a

fool of him. One man’s oversight is always another’s gain. How then can

you condemn me for laying hold of that opportunity, which your weakness

gave me as a tryal of my wit? and had I neglected making a true use of

it to my own advantage, I had made myself a greater fool than he who

trusted a single man’s honesty with so large a temptation. Could you

have kept your estate in your own power, how great was your indiscretion

to deliver it into mine? and since I found, when I had it in my custody,

I could secure it to myself, beyond the power of the law to recover it,

how foolish shou’d I have been to have omitted the opportunity? in

short, I am very well satisfyed at the usage I gave you, no check of

conscience do I yet find that inclines me to repentance; but am heartily

resolv’d, thro’ the course of my life, never to let slip so luscious an

advantage.

As for my sorting of broad-money for the royal snippers, it was grown so

universal a practice among all dealers, that it ceas’d from being

thought criminal, and became a profitable trade; and I never was so

lazy in my life, as to suffer any project to be on foot, wherein money

was to be got, but I always had a hand in’t. The _Hollanders_ clipp’d it

openly in their shops, and pass’d it afterwards among us. And shall we

suffer a foreign nation to ingross that advantage to themselves, which

was doubtless rather the property of a true-born _Englishman_ to enjoy?

no I am a true lover of my country, and do assert, it’s better to be

rogues among our selves, and cozen one another, than it is to be cheated

in our own way by a pack of knavish neighbours.

As for my master king _James_, I dealt honestly by him as long as he

continued my customer; but truly when his credit was sunk, and he was

forc’d to take sanctuary in a foreign country, my conscience told me

’twas the safest way, even to serve my prince as I had done you my

master; for indeed, I could not reasonably think; providence flung so

many lucky hits in a man’s way for him to make no use of; besides, what

signifies cozening a king of a trifling sum of fourscore thousand pound,

when he was going into a country where every body knew he would be well

provided for? I consider’d it would do me more kindness by half; and

tho’ some of his friends blam’d me, yet I thought myself an honester man

by much, than those who stripp’d him of his sovereignty; for if it was a

sin to cheat him at all, then those who cheated him most were doubtless

the most wicked; and to deal with you like an old friend, without

dissimulation, as long as I can imagine there’s a man upon earth more

sinful than myself I have a conscience that can fling nothing in my

face, but what I can withstand boldly without blushing.

You seem to highly reflect upon me for keeping two domestick

conveniences publickly in my family, as if a man of my grandeur should

abridge himself of those pleasures which every apprentice-boy has the

enjoyment of between the mistress and the maid, without stirring over

the threshold; and sure an Alderman in the city, a grave magistrate, a

man worth three hundred thousand pounds, need not be either afraid or

asham’d of being suspected guilty of that little sniveling sin practis’d

daily in every citizen’s house, from the very beds in the garret, down

to the stools in the kitchen. Why, at that rate you would muzzle ones

appetite, a man had better by half be a presbyterian parson, and have

two or three pair of holy sisters to smuggle over every week, than to be

an alderman of the city of _London_, and have his carnal inclinations

priest-ridden with a curb-bridle.

As for the fair promises I made to the city in order to have coaks’d

them to have chose me mayor, I design’d them only as alluring baits to

tempt the godly party over to my interest, and in the common hall it

took very good effect; but had I once got into the chair, I should have

shew’d them a trick like Sir _Timber Temple_, and have reduc’d my

mountain-promise into a mole-hill performance; which our cunning

fraternity mistrusting (for always set a knave to catch a knave) by a

piece of unpracticable subtilty they threw me out, when I thought myself

as cock-sure of the honour as a man is of a morsel he has got in his

mouth: but the city is so corrupted, that an honest church-man can put

no confidence in a parcel of knavish fanaticks, but he is sure to be

deceiv’d. Had the church party been strong enough to have brought me in,

I had then caught what I gap’d for, as sure as there’s a cuckhold in

_Guild-Hall_ in the time of election: but knowing our court of wiseakers

was at that time under the ascendency of a whiggish planet, I was

fearful I should lose it; but they had better have chose me, for I

assure them, I would sooner go into _Barbary_ and feed ostriches with my

money, than I would lay out one groat towards so much as the repairing

of one of their old gates, or in adding any thing to the city’s

magnificence, tho’ ’twas no more than a weather-cock: nay I have now so

little charity for that ingrateful _Sodom_, that I would not be at the

expence of giving them an engine, tho I was sure ’twould save them a

second conflagration.

I fear, Sir, by this time I have quite tired your patience, and shall

therefore conclude with this acknowledgment, that I liv’d under one of

the best princes in the world, and one of the best masters in the

kingdom, and that under both, I thank my stars, I have patch’d up a

pretty good fortune, and I profess, as I am a christian of the true

church by law establish’d, I would turn subject to the _Grand Seignior_,

and servant to alderman _Lucifer_, to enjoy again two such precious

opportunities. _So I rest, with a quiet Conscience, your thankful

Servant_,

CHARLES DUNCOMBE.

_From_ HENRY PURCEL _to Dr._ BLOW.

_Dear Friend_,

To tell you the truth, I send you this letter on purpose to undeceive

you; I know that the upper world has a notion, that these infernal

shades are destitute of all harmony, and delight in nothing but jarring,

discord, and confusion; upon the word of a musician, you are all

mistaken, for I never came into a merrier country, since I knew a whimsy

from a fiddle-stick; every body here sings as naturally as a

nightingale, and at least as sweet. Lovers sit perch’d upon bows by

pairs, like murmuring turtles in a rural grove, and in amorous ditties

sing forth their passionate affections; all people on this side the

adamantine gates have their organs perfect, and _I burn, I burn, I

burn_, which some persons thought a critical song upon earth, is here

sung by every scoundrel: the whole infernal territory is infested with

such innumerable crowds of poets and musicians, that a man can’t stir

twice his length, but he shall tread upon a new ballad; and as for

musick, ’tis so plenty amongst us, that a fellow shall be scraping upon

a fiddle at every garret-window, and another tinkling a spinet, or a

virginal, in every chimney-corner; flutes, hautboys and trumpets are so

perpetually tooting, that all the year round the whole dominion is like

a _Bartholomew-Fair_; and as for drums, you have a set of them under

every devil’s window, rattling and thumping like a consort of his

majesty’s rat-tat-too’s at an _English_ wedding: we have such a glut of

all sorts of performers, that our very ears are surfeited; and any body

may hire a consort for a day, large enough to surround

_Westminster-Abbey_, for the price of an hundred of chesnuts; yet every

minstrel performs to admiration. Every cobler here that dispatches a

voluntary whilst he’s waxing his thread, shall out-sing Mr. _Abel_, and

a carpenter shall make better musick upon an empty cupboard strung with

five brass-wires, than _Baptist_ can upon the harpsichord; every trumpet

that attends a botkin lottery, sounds better than _Shore_; and not a

porter here plies at the corner of a street, but with his stubbed

fingers, can make a smooth table out grunt the harmony of a double

curtel. We have catches too in admirable perfection: Fish-women sit and

sing them at market, instead of scolding as they do at _Billingsgate_;

hymns and anthems are as frequent among us as among you of the upper

world; for to every church God Almighty has on earth, here the devil has

a chapel.

You are sensible I was a great lover of musick before I departed my

temporal life, but now I am so surfeited with incessant sound, that I

would rather chuse to be as deaf as an adder, than be plagu’d with the

best _ayre_ that ever _Corelli_ made, or the finest _sola_ or _sonata_

that ever was compos’d in _Italy_: for you must know the laws of this

country are such, that every man, for sins in the other world, shall

here be punish’d with excess of that which he there esteem’d most

pleasant and delightful. Lovers, that in your region would hang, or

drown, or run thro’ fire like a couple of salamanders for one another’s

company, are here coupled together like the twins _Castor_ and _Pollux_,

pursuant to their own wishes upon earth, and have all the liberty they

can desire with one another, but must never be separated whilst eternity

endures. This sort of confinement, tho’ ’tis what they once coveted,

makes them so sick of one another in a little time, that they cry out, O

damnable slavery! O diabolical matrimony! and are always drawing two

several ways with all imaginable hatred, endeavouring, to break their

fetters, and pursue variety; thus every one is wedded to what they like

best, and yet every person’s desires teminate in their own misery, which

sufficiently shews there is no other justice to punish us for our

follies, than the objects of our own loose appetites and inclinations;

for that which we are apt to covet most when we are in the upper world,

generally, if obtain’d, proves our greatest unhappiness; therefore,

since experience would not teach us to bridle our inclinations on the

other side the grave, the pleasures we pursued when we were living, are,

after death, appointed to be our punishments.

Dr. _Stag----s_, is greatly improved since he arrived in these parts,

and has more crotches flow thro’ his brains in one minute, than he can

digest into musick in a whole week; he had not been here a month, but

his bandylegs stepp’d into a very good place, and his business is to

compose _Scotch_ tunes for _Lucifer_’s bag-piper. Honest _Tom Farmer_

has taken such an antipathy against musick, upon hearing a _French_

barber play _Banister_’s ground in _Bmi_, upon a jews-trump, that he

swears that the hooping of a tub, and filing of a saw, makes the

sweetest harmony in christendom; _Robin Smith_, is still as love-mad as

ever he was; hangs half a dozen fiddles at his girdle, as the fellow

does coney-skins, and scours up and down hell, crying a _Reevs_, a

_Reevs_, as is the devil was in him. Poor _Val Redding_ too, is quite

tired with his lyre-way-fiddle, and has betaken himself to be a

merry-andrew to a _Dutch_ mountebank; and the reason he gave for it was

this, That he was got into a country where he found fools were more

respected than fiddlers. Dancing-masters are also as numerous in every

street, as posts in _Cheapside_, there is no walking but we must stumble

upon them; they are held here but in very slight esteem, for the gentry

call them leg-livers, and the mob from their mighty number, and their

nimbleness, call them the devil’s grass-hoppers. Players run up and down

muttering of old speeches, like so many madmen in their own soliloquies;

and if any beau wants a bridge to bear him over a dirty channel, a

player lies down instead of a plank, for him to walk over upon; the

reason why they were doom’d to that piece of scandalous servitude, was,

because they were as proud upon the stage as the very princes they

represented; and as humble in a brandy-shop, as a scold in a

ducking-stool; therefore were fit for nothing when they had done

playing, but to be trampled upon. I have nothing further at present to

impart to you, so begging you to excuse this trouble, _I rest_,

_Your Humble Servant_,

HENRY PURCEL.

_Dr._ BLOW’_s Answer to_ HENRY PURCEL.

_Dear Friend_,

Your letter was one of the greatest surprises to me, I ever met with;

for after giving credit to that fulsome piece of flattery, stuck up by

some of your friends upon a pillar behind the organ, which you once were

master of, I remain’d satisfi’d you were gone to that happy place, where

your own harmony could only be exceeded, and had left order with some of

your friends to put up that epitaph only as a direction where your

acquaintance upon occasion might be sure to meet with you; but since you

have favour’d me with a letter from your own hand, wherein you assure me

’twas your fortune to travel a quite contrary road, I will always be of

opinion for the future, that when a man takes a step in the dark, those

that he leaves behind him can no more guess where he is gone, than I can

tell what’s become of the saddle which _Balaam_ rid upon when his ass

spoke; for I find just as people please or displease us in this world,

we accordingly assign them a place of happiness or unhappiness in the

next, virtue shall be rewarded, and vice punished hereafter, ’tis true,

but when or how, I believe every man knows as well as the pope;

therefore, many people have blam’d the inscription of your marble, and

think it a presumption in the pen-man to be so very positive in matters,

which the wisest of mankind, without death, can come to no true

knowledge of. The fanaticks especially are very highly offended at it,

and say, It looks as if a man could toot himself to heaven upon the

whore of _Babylon_’s bag-pipes, and that religion consists only in the

true setting of a catch, or composing of a madrigal. I have had many a

bitter squabble with them in defence of your epitaph, upon which they

scoffingly advis’d me to get Monsieur _d’Urfey_ to tag it with rhime,

then myself to garnish it with a tune, and so make it a catch in

imitation of _Under this stone lies Gabriel John_, &c. which unlucky

saying, so dum-founded me, that I was forc’d silently to submit, because

you had serv’d another person’s epitaph after the same manner.

I have no novelties to entertain you with relating to either the _Abbey_

or St. _Paul_’s, for both the choirs continue just as wicked as they

were when you left them; some of them daily come reeking hot out of the

bawdy-house into the church; and others stagger out of a tavern to

afternoon prayers, and hick up over a little of the _Litany_, and so

back again. Old _Claret-face_ beats time still upon his cushion

stoutly, and sits growling under his purple canopy, a hearty

old-fashion’d base that deafens all about him. Beau _Bushy-whig_

preserves his voice to a miracle, charmes all the ladies over against

him with his handsome face; and all over head with his singing. Parson

_Punch_ make a very good shift still, and lyricks over his part in an

anthem very handsomly. So much for the church, and now for the

play-houses, which are grown so abominably wicked since the pious

society have undertook to reform them, that not a member of the

fraternity will sit down to his dinner, till he has repeated over a

catalogue of curses upon the crew of sin-sucking hypocrites, as long as

a presbyterian grace, then falls to with a good appetite, and damns them

as heartily after dinner; nor will they bring a play upon the stage,

unless larded with half a dozen of luscious bawdy songs in contempt of

the reforming authority, some writ by Mr. _C_---- and set by your friend

Dr. _B_----; others writ by Mr. _D_----, and set by your friend Mr.

_E_----: you know men of our profession hang between the church and the

play-house, as _Mahomet_’s tomb does between the two load-stones, and

must equally incline to both, because by both we are equally supported.

Religion is grown a stalking-horse to every bodies interest, and every

man chuses to be of that faith which he finds to be most profitable. Our

parochial-churches this hot weather are but indifferently fill’d, but

our cathedrals are still crowded as they us’d to be, because to one that

comes thither truly to serve God, fifty come purely to hear the musick;

the blessing of peace has again quite forsaken us, and the people tired

with being happy, have drawn the curse of war upon their own heads; and

the clergy, like true christians, confound their enemies heartily. Money

begins already to be as scarce as truth, honour and honesty; and a man

may walk from _Ludgate_ to _Aldgate_, near high change-time, and not

meet a citizen with a full bag under his arm, or jot of plain-dealing in

his conscience. The ready specie lies all in the _Bank_ and _Exchequer_,

and most traders estates lie in their pocket-books and their comb-cases:

paper goes current instead of cash, and pen and ink does us more service

than the mines in the _Indies_. I am very much in arrears upon the

account of my business, as well as the brethren of my quality; but

whether we shall be paid in this world or the next, we are none of us

yet certain. You made a timely step out of a troublesome world, could I

imagine you were got into a worse, I could easily pin my faith upon

impossibilities; but fare as you will, it cannot be long e’er I shall

give you my company, and discover the truth of that which our priests

talk so much of, and know so little:

_Till then I rest yours_,

BLOW.

_From worthy Mrs._ BEHN _the Poetress, to the famous Virgin Actress_.

_Madam_,

I vow to Gad, lady, of all the fair sex that ever occupied their

faculties upon the publick stage, I think your pretty self the only

miracle! for a woman to cloak the frailties of nature with such

admirable cunning as you have done hitherto, merits, in my opinion, the

wonder and applause of the whole kingdom! how many chaste _Diana_’s in

your station have lost their reputation before they have done any thing

to deserve it! but for a woman of your quality first to surrender her

honour, and afterwards preserve her character, shows a discreet

management beyond the policy of a statesman: your appearance upon the

stage puts the court-ladies to the blush, when they reflect that a

mercenary player should be more renown’d for her virtue, than all the

glorious train of fair spectators; who, like true women, hear your

praises whisper’d with regret, and behold your person with insupportable

envy. The _Roman_ empress _Messalina_ was never half so famous for her

lust, as you are for your chastity; nor the most christian king’s

favourite, madam _Maintenon_, more eminent for her parts, than you are

for your cunning; for nothing is a greater manifestation of a woman’s

conduct, than for her to be vicious without mistrust, and to gratify her

looser inclinations without discovery; at which sort of managements you

are an absolute artist, as since my departure I have made evident to

myself, by residing in those shades where the secrets of all are open;

for peeping by chance into the breast of your old acquaintance, where

his sins were as plainly scor’d as tavern-reckonings upon a bare-board;

there did I behold, among his numberless transgressions, your name

register’d so often in the black list, that fornication with madam

B---- came so often into the score, that it seem’d to me like a chorus at

the end of every stanza in an old ballad: besides had I wanted so

manifest a proof, as by chance I met with, experience has taught me to

judge of my own sex to a perfection, and I know the difference there is

between being really virtuous and only accounted so: I am sensible ’tis

as hard a matter for a pretty woman to keep herself honest in a theatre,

as ’tis for an apothecary to keep his treacle from the flies in hot

weather; for every libertine in the audience will be buzzing about her

honey-pot, and her virtue must defend itself by abundance of fly-flaps,

or those flesh-loving insects will soon blow upon her honour, and when

once she has had a maggot in her tail, all the pepper and salt in the

kingdom will scare keep her reputation from stinking; therefore that

which makes me admire your good housewifery, above all your sex, is,

that notwithstanding your powdering-tub, has been so often polluted, yet

you have kept your flesh in such credit and good order that the nicest

appetite in the town would be glad to make a meal of it.

You must excuse me, _Madam_, that I am thus free with you, for you know

’tis the custom of our sex to take all manner of liberty with one

another, and to talk smuttily, and act waggishly when we are by

ourselves, tho’ we scarce dare listen to a merry tale in man’s company

for fear of being thought impudent. You know the bob-tail’d monster is a

censorious creature, and if we should not be cunning enough to cast a

mist before the eyes of their understanding sometimes there would be no

living among them; and therefore I cannot but highly commend you for

your prudence in covering all your vicious inclinations by an

hypocritical deportment: for how often have we heard men say, tho’ a

woman be a whore, yet they love she should carry herself modestly? that

is as much as to say, they love to be cheated, and you know, _Madam_, we

can hit their humours in that particular to a hairs-breadth, and convey

one man away from under our petticoats to make room for another, with as

much dexterity as the _German_ artist does his balls, that the keenest

eye in _Christendom_ shall not discern the juggle, for a woman ought to

be made up of all chinks and crannies, that when a man searches for any

thing he should not find, she may shuffle about her secrets so, that the

devil can’t discover them, or else she’s fit only to make a sempstress

on, and can never be rightly qualified for intriguing. I have just now

the rememberance of a few female stratagems crept into my head, which

were practised by a pretty lady of my acquaintance, perhaps, _Madam_, if

they are not stale to you, you may make them of some service hereafter;

therefore in hopes of obliging you, I shall acquaint you with the

particulars.

I happen’d long since in the time of my youth, when powerful nature

prompted me to delight in amorous adventures, to contract a friendship

with a fair lady, who for her wit and beauty, was often times solicited

by the male sex to help make up that beast of pleasure with two backs,

and hating to submit herself to the tyrannical government of a single

person, never wanted a whole parliament of nipples to give her suck,

tho’ she flatter’d one man that kept her, to believe he was sole monarch

of the _Low-Countries_; but one time he unfortunately happen’d to catch

her, with a new relation, of whom he was a little jealous, believing for

some reasons he had an underhand design of liquoring his boots for him,

to prevent which he impos’d an oath of abjuration upon his mistress, and

made her swear for the future to renounce the sight of him, which to

oblige her keeper, she very readily consented to, but no sooner was his

back turn’d, but she had invented a salve for her conscience, as well as

her concupiscence, and dispatching a letter to her new lover, told him

what had pass’d, but withal, encourag’d him to renew his visits at such

opportunities as she informed him were convenient; at the time appointed

her spark came, she received him with a blind compliment, and told him,

she would open any thing but her eyes to oblige him; but those she must

keep shut for her oath’s sake, having sworn never to see him if she

could help it. The gentleman was very well satisfied he had so

conscientious a lady to deal with: love, _Madam_, says he, is always

blind, and for my part, I shall be content to enjoy the darkest of your

favours; upon which he began vigorously to attack love’s fortress, which

you know, _Madam_, has no mere eyes than a beetle; as she told me the

story, he was beat off three times, and at last was forc’d to draw off

his forces, so march’d off to raise recruits against the next

opportunity. The next day came the governour of the garrison, as he

foolishly thought himself, and made a strict enquiry whether she had any

correspondence with the enemy? lord, Sir, says she, what do you take me

to be? a devil; as I hope to be sav’d, I never set eyes of him since you

engag’d me to the contrary: so all things past off as well as if no evil

had been acted.

The next fresh acquaintance she contracted, she would never suffer to

wait upon her at her lodgings, other ways dress’d than in female

apparel; so when a new fit of jealousy put her spark upon purging her

conscience upon oath, as I have a soul to be sav’d, says she, no

creature in breeches but yourself has been near me since you had

knowledge of it; therefore why, my dear, should you harbour such ill

thoughts of a woman that loves you as dearly as I do my beads and

crucifix? thus, tho’ she deceiv’d him as often as she had opportunity,

yet her discretion kept all things in such admirable decorum, that I

never knew any of the fair sex, except yourself, like her.

If it were not for these witty contrivances, subtle shifts and evasions,

which we are forc’d to use to keep the male sex easy, a pretty or an

ingenious woman, to make one happy must make twenty miserable; or wit

and beauty are never without abundance of admirers; and if such a woman

were to sacrifice all her charms to the miserly temper of one single

lover, the rest must run distracted, and at this rate the whole world in

a short time would become one great _Bedlam_; besides, since there is

enough to make all happy, if prudently dispens’d, I know no reason why

one man should engross more than he is able to deal with, and other men

want that, which by using there can be no miss of; therefore I commend

you for the liberty you take to oblige your chosen friends, and the

prudence you use to conceal it from the envious number you think

unworthy of your smiles; so with this advice I shall conclude, if you

have twenty gallants that taste your favours in their turns, let no man

know he has a rival-sharer in the happiness, but swear to every one

a-part, none enjoys you but himself; and by this means you will oblige

the whole herd, and make yourself easy in their numerous embraces.

A. BEHN.

_The Virgin’s Answer to Mrs._ BEHN.

It is no great wonder to me you should prove so witty, since so many

sons of _Parnassus_, instead of climbing the _Heliconian_ hill, should

stoop so low, as to make your _mount of Venus_ the barren object of

their poetick fancies: I have heard some physicians say, the sweet

fornication draws mightily from the brain; for which reason, it is more

affected with the pleasure than any other part of the body; if so, how

could the spirit of poesy be otherwise than infus’d into you, since you

always gain’d by what the fraternity of the Muses lost in your embraces?

you were the young poets _Venus_; to you they paid their devotion as a

Goddess, and their first adventure, when they adjourn’d from the

university to the town, was to solicite your favours; and this advantage

you enjoy’d above the rest of your sex, that if a young student was but

once infected with a rhiming itch, you by a butter’d bun could make him

an establish’d poet at any time; for the contagion, like that of a worse

distemper, will run a great way, and be often strangely contracted. I

have heard a gentleman say, that when he was bedded with a poetess, or

rival’d a poet in his mistress, that he has dreamt of nothing but plays,

ballads and lampoons for six months after; and has been forc’d to

cuckold a critick, before he could get cur’d of the distemper. From

hence it appears, that a man in his sober senses runs a greater hazard

of his brains in having familiar contract with a daughter of the

_Muses_, than a drunken man does of his nobler parts, in paving the

common-shore of a town prostitute.

You upbraid me with a great discovery you chanc’d to make, by peeping

into the breast of an old friend of mine; if you give yourself but the

trouble of examining an old poet’s conscience, who went lately off the

stage, and now takes up his lodgings in your territories, and I don’t

question, but you’ll there find, Mrs. _Behn_ writ as often in black

characters, and stands as thick in some places, as the names of the

generation of _Adam_ in the first of _Genesis_. But oh! that I had but

one glance into your own accounts; there I am sure, should I find a

compleat register of all the poets of your standing, from the _Laureat_,

down to the _White-Fryars_ ballad-monger: at this rate, well might you

be esteem’d a female wit, since the least return your versifying

admirers could make you for your favours, was, first to lend you their

assistance, and then oblige you with their applause: besides, how could

you do otherwise than produce some wit to the world, since you were so

often plough’d and sow’d by the kind husbandmen of _Apollo_? but give me

leave, _Madam_, to tell you, after all your amorous intrigues to please

the taglines of the age, and all the fatigue of your brains to oblige a

fickle audience, I never could yet hear that your reputation ever soar’d

above the character of a bawdy poetess; and these were the two knacks

you were chiefly happy in, one was to make libertines laugh, and the

other to make modest women blush; and had you happen’d to have liv’d in

a reforming age, under the lash of Mr. _C----r_, he would have so

firk’d you about the pig-market, that you must have learn’d to have writ

more modestly, or he would have been apt to have said, you certainly

thinn’d your ink with your own water, or you could never have writ so

bawdily.

You seem almost to think it an indispensible difficulty for a woman in

my quality to preserve her reputation, especially if she has done any

thing to deserve the loss of it; I say, a prudent woman may do it with

all the facility imaginable, by keeping up to a few maxims in female

policy, which few woman are strangers to. _First_, Were I to give myself

liberty (as whether I do or no is no matter to any body) I would always

bestow my favours upon those above me, and those beneath me, and never

be concern’d with any man upon an equal footing; and these are my

reasons: Suppose the vitious eyes of a great man are fix’d upon me, and

my charms should kindle a love-passion in the cockles of his heart; he

writes, chatters, swears and prays, according to custom in such cases,

I still defend the premisses, by a flat verbal denial; but at the same

instant incourage him in my looks, and am always free to oblige him with

my company; till by this sort of usage I make him sensible downright

courtship will never prevail; and that the cittadel he besieges is not

to be surrender’d without bribing the governess: then he begins to mix

his fine words with fine presents; he gives, I receive, returning a side

glance for a diamond ring, two smiles for a gold watch, a kiss for a

pearle necklace, and at last for a round sum the ultimate of my favours;

of which, in one months time, he is as much tir’d, as a child is of a

_Bartholomew_ knick-knack, and so we seperate again, both fully

satisfied: in this case, I say, a woman’s reputation is pretty safe; for

if he has any brains, he will be afraid to discover I have been his

bedfellow, lest I should tell the world he has been my bubble; for he

can’t help believing, if he had never been my fool, I had never been his

mistress.

In the next place, why I would rather submit to make a friend of an

inferior, than an equal; I think these reasons are sufficient; if I

oblige a man beneath me, he looks upon my condescention to be his

greatest honour; and ’tis but now and then furnishing his pockets with a

little spending money, and he’ll drudge like a stone-horse to give me a

competent refreshment; not only that, but he’ll lie for me, swear for

me, fight for me, and be always speaking in praise of my virtues upon

every occasion; my mixing his pleasure with profit, makes it so much the

sweeter, and engages him to give my favours a more diligent attendance.

I can govern, comand, expect, and make him more my slave than a woman is

to her keeper; and he takes it to be his only happiness to be so. And

for my part, think there is more satisfaction in having a man that one

likes, in this sort of subjection, than there is in being courtezan to

any gouty peer in _Christendom_; for I have always had the same ambition

to be mistress over some of the male sex, as some of them have had to

make me their humble servant. These are the reasons why some ladies

submit themselves to the lash of the long whip, and love to be jerk’d by

their coach-man; and why lawyers wives join issue with their husbands

clerks; and shop-keepers help-mates court the benevolence of their

apprentices: for a woman’s business is seldom done by a man that’s her

master; and I must frankly confess, were I to be a slave to the best

man’s lust in the kingdom, tho’ kept never so well for’t, if I had not a

man beneath me in the same classis. I should think my life but in a

miserable confinement; for there is no other pleasure in money got over

the devil’s back, but in spending it under his belly; besides, if a

woman’s reputation be safe in any man’s power, it must certainly be

secure in the custody of an inferior so oblig’d; for interest is the

best padlock in the world to confine a tongue to silence: but if you

make an equal your familiar, and no interest binding on either side,

upon every little disgust it shall be, confound you for a wh--re, what

made you disappoint me? d--mn you for a jilt, what spark were you

engag’d with? and this sort of usage, in a little time, a woman must

expect to be treated with; and ten to one, but at last expos’d; and this

is all the gratitude the poor loving fool shall meet with for her

kindness.

Pray, _Madam_, tho’ I have been so free with you, as to deliver you my

sentiments, don’t you take me to be a person that ever put them into

practice; I only tell you, according to my present judgment, what I

believe I should do, was I under the same predicament with many ladies,

whom I see daily in the boxes; but I thank my stars, I had always more

modesty than to be lewd; and more generosity, than to be mercenary; and

have hitherto took care to preserve a virtuous reputation,

notwithstanding I know what I know; therefore I defy your conscience

peeping; besides, that was in another world; and when all comes to all,

I believe ’tis only a piece of your own romantick wit, and as such I

take it. _So farewel._

_From Madam_ CRESWELL _of_ pious Memory, _to her Sister in

Iniquity_ MOLL QUARLES _of_ Known Integrity.

_Dear Sister_,

It is no little grief to me on this side the grave, to hear what a low

ebb the good old trade of basket-making is reduc’d to in the age you

live in; for I hear it is as much as a woman of tolerable beauty, and

reasonable share of experience can well do, to keep clean smocks to her

back, and pay her surgeon; when in my time, praised be the l--rd for it,

I kept my family as neat and sweet, poor girls, as any alderman’s

daughters in the city of _London_. I don’t know what scandal our

profession may be dwindled into since my departure from the upper world;

but I am sure thro’ the course of my life, I was look’d upon by the

whole city to be as honest an old gentlewoman, as ever hazarded her soul

for the service of her country; and always took care to deal in as good

commodities, as any shopkeeper in _London_ could desire to have the

handling of, true, wholesom country-ware; whole waggon-loads have I had

come up at a time, have dress’d them at my own expence, made them fit

for man’s use, and put them into a saleable condition. The clergy, I am

sure, were much beholden to me, for many a poor parson’s daughter have I

taken care on, bought her shifts to her back, put a trade into her

belly, taught her a pleasant livelihood, that she might support herself

like a woman, without being beholden to any body; who otherwise must

have turn’d drudge, waited upon some proud minx or other, or else have

depended upon relations; yet these unmannerly priests had the sinful

ingratitude before I dy’d, to refuse praying for me in their churches;

tho’ I dealt by all people with a conscience, and was so well beloved in

the parish I liv’d in, that the churchwardens themselves became my daily

customers.

My home was always a sanctuary for distressed ladies; I never refus’d

meat, drink, washing, lodging, and cloaths, to any that had the least

spark of wit, youth, beauty, or gentility, to recommend them to my

charity; ladies women, chambermaids, cookmaids of any sort, when out of

service, were at all times welcome to my table, ’till they could better

provide for themselves; and I am sure, tho’ I say it that should not, I

kept as hospitable a house for all comers and goers, as any woman in

_England_; for the best of flesh was never wanting to delight the

appetites of both sexes; the toppingest shopkeepers in the city us’d now

and then to visit me for a good supper; and I never fail’d of having a

tid-bit ready for them; dainties that were hot and hot, never over-done,

but always with the gravy in them, which pleas’d them so wonderfully,

that they us’d to cry their own victuals at home was meer carrion to it;

nay, their very wives, sometimes, contrary to their own husbands

knowledge, have tripp’d in, in an evening, complain’d they have been as

hungry as hawks, and desired me to provide a morsel for them that might

satisfy their bellies; for you must know, both sexes were wonderful

lovers of my cookery, and would feed very heartily upon such nice

dainties that I toss’d up for them, when no other sort of flesh would by

any means go down with them. Many hopeful babes have been beholden to my

mansion-house for their generation; who tho’ they were never wise enough

to know their own father, yet some of them, for ought I know, may at

this day be aldermen; for I have had as good merchants ladies, as ever

liv’d in _Mincing-lane_, apply themselves to my fertile habitation for

change of diet; and have come twice or thrice a week to refresh nature

with my standing dishes; for I always kept an open house to feast

lovers; and, _Jove_ be thanked, never wanted variety to gratify the

appetites of mankind. Thirty pair of haunches, both bucks and does, have

been wagging their scuts at one another within the compass of one

evening; and many noblemen, notwithstanding they had deer of their own,

us’d to come to my park for a bit of choice venison, for I never wanted

what was fat and good, tho’ within my pale it was all the year

rutting-time.

It is well known, I kept as good orders in my house as ever was observed

in a nunnery; I had a church-bible always lay open upon my hall-table,

and had every room in my house furnish’d with the _Practice of Piety_,

and other good books for the edification of my family; that for every

minute they sinn’d, they might repent an hour at their leisure

intervals. I kept a chaplain in my house, and had prayers read twice a

day, as constantly as the sun rises in a morning, and sets in an

evening; and tho’ I say it, I had a parcel of as honest religious girls

about me, as ever pious matron had under her tuition at a _Hackney_

boarding-school; nor would they ever dare to humble the proud flesh of a

sinner without my leave or approbation; and, like good christians, as

often as they had sinn’d, came to auricular confession. I always did

every thing in the fear of the lord, and was, I thank my Creator, so

happy in my memory, that I had as many texts of scripture at command,

as a presbyterian parson. For my zeal to religion, and the services I

daily did to the publick community, I bless my stars, I never wanted a

city magistrate to stand my friend in the times of persecution, or any

other adversity; but could have half the court of aldermen appear on my

behalf at an hour’s warning. I kept a painter in my house perpetually

employ’d upon fresh faces, and had a good as collection of pictures, to

the life, as ever were to be seen in _Lilly_’s showing-room; beauties of

all complexions, from the cole-black cling-fast, to the golden-lock’d

insatiate, from the sleepye’d slug, to the brisk-ey’d wanton; from the

reserv’d hypocrite, to the lew’d fricatrix; so that every man might

choose by the shadow, what kind of beauteous substance would give his

fancy the greatest titillation. Every room in my house was adorn’d with

the picture of some grave bishop, that my customers might see what a

great veneration I had for the clergy; all my lodgings were as well

furnish’d, as the splendid apartments of a prince’s palace; that every

citizen, whose wife had been kiss’d at court, might fancy in revenge, by

the richness of his bed, he was making a cuckold of a nobleman. I never

was without _Viper-wine_ for a fumbler, to give a spur to old age and

assist impotency. I also had right _French Claret_, and the flower of

_Canary_, to wash away the dregs of the last _Sunday_’s sermon, that the

bugbears of conscience might not fright a good churchman from the

pleasures of fornication. I had orders in every room, against cathedral

exercise, or beastical back-slidings, and made it ten shillings

forfeiture for any that were caught in such actions; because I would not

be bilk’d of my bed-money. These were the measures I took in my

occupation to procure an honest livelihood; and Heaven be prais’d, I

thriv’d as well in my profession, as if my calling had been licensable.

How times are alter’d since, I know not, but I hear, to my great sorrow,

that bawding, of late years, which us’d to be a trade of itself, is now

grown scandalous, and very much declin’d by reason that midwives, like a

parcel of incroaching husseys, have engross’d the whole business to

themselves, to the starving of you experienc’d old ladies, who have

spent their days, and worn out their beauty in the service of the

publick; and ought in all equity to be the only persons, thought

qualifi’d for so judicious an undertaking, to support them in their old

age, when father time has stripp’d them of their charms, and their noble

faculties fail them; besides, I hear noblemen employ their own valets,

ladies their own waiting women, citizens wives one another, and all to

save charges, to the ruin of our poor sister-hood.

Alack a-day! what a pernicious age do you live in? that traders should

trust one another to buy their commodities, and all to save the expence

of brokerage. I fear, there are some instruments among yourselves, that

have been the main occasion of your being thus neglected. I shall

further proceed, to give you a little advice, which, if but duly

observ’d, may, I hope, in a little time, recover the antient state of

bawdery into a flourishing condition, and make it once more as reputable

a calling, as it was when clergymens widows, and decay’d ladies at

court, did not disdain to follow it.

Never neglect publick prayers twice a day, hear two sermons every

_Sunday_, receive the sacrament once a month, but let this be done at a

church where you are unknown; and be sure read the scriptures often, and

be sure fortify your tongue with abundance of godly sayings, let them

drop from you in strange company, as thick as ripe fruit from the tree

in a high wind; and whenever you have a design upon the daughter, be

sure of the mother’s faith, and ply her closely with religion, and she

will trust her beloved abroad with you in hopes she may edify; for you

must consider, there is no being a perfect bawd without being a true

hypocrite.

Always have a lodging separate from your house, in a place of credit;

where, upon an occasion, you may entertain the parents without being

suspected, and corrupt the minds of their children before they know your

employment: you must first pour the poison in at their ears, infect

their thoughts, and when their fancies begin to itch, they will have

their tails rubb’d in spite of the devil.

Whenever you have a maiden-head, be sure make a penny of the first

fruits, and at the second-hand let the next justice of peace have the

residue on free cost, tho’ you must give her her lesson, and present her

as a pure virgin; by this sort of bribery, you may win all the

magistrates in _Middlesex_; make _Hicks’s-hall_ your sanctuary, and gain

an useful ascendency over the whole bench of justices.

Never admit common faces into your domestick seraglio, ’tis a scandal to

your family, a dishonour to your function, and will certainly spoil your

trade; but ply close at inns upon the coming in of waggons, and

gee-ho-coaches, and there you may hire fresh country wenches, sound,

plump, and juicy, and truly qualified for your business.

Whatever you do, never trust any of your tits into an inn of court, or

inn of chancery, for if you do they will certainly harass her about from

chamber to chamber, till they have rid her off her legs; elevate her by

degrees, from the ground-floor to their garrets, and make her drudge

like a landress, thro’ a whole stair-case; and after a good weeks work,

send her home with foul linnen, torn heed-geer, rumbled scarf, apparel

spew’d upon, without fan, with but one glove, no money, and perhaps a

hot tail into the bargain.

This advice for the present, if put in practice, I hope will prove of

use to you; I must tell you, there is nothing to be done in the world

you live in, without cunning; religion itself, without policy, is too

simple to be safe; therefore, if you do but take care for the future and

deal by the world, as a woman of your station ought to do, and play your

cards like a gamestress, I don’t at all question, but the mystery of

bawding, by your good management, may be rais’d again, in spite of

reformation, to its pristine eminency; which are the hearty wishes of,

_Your Defunct Friend_,

CRESWELL.

MOLL QUARLES_’s_ Answer to Mother CRESWELL of Famous Memory.

_Loving Sister_,

_Your compassionate letter, has so won my affections to your pious

memory, that it shall be always my endeavour to pursue your kind

instructions, and to make myself the happy imitatrix of your glorious

example, having often, with great satisfaction, heard of your fame;

which as long as there is a young libertine, or an honest old

whoremaster living upon earth, can never be obliterated. Were I to give

you an account of the severe usage, and many persecutions I have been

under of late days, since the mercenary reformation of ill-manners has

been put on foot, it would soften the most obdurate wretches within your

infernal precincts, and make them squeeze me out a tear of pity, tho’

your unextinguishable fire had so dry’d their souls, that their

immortalities were crusted into perfect cinder._

_Of all the unmerciful impositions that ever were laid upon bumb-labour,

none ever so highly afflicted, or so insupportably oppress us, the

retailers of copulation, as this intolerable society, who have brib’d

those who were our pimps to forsake our interest; and have made those

scoundrels who were our meanest servants, our implacable masters; who

come in clusters like cowardly bailiffs to arrest a bully; distrain our

commodities for want of money to pacify their greedy avarice; fright

away our customers, and make us pawn our cloaths to redeem little more

than our nakedness from a cat of nine-tails, and the filthy confines of

a stinking prison: At least five hundred of these reformed vultures are

daily plundering our pockets, and ransacking our houses, leaving me

sometimes not one pair of tractable buttocks in my vaulting-school to

provide for my family, or earn me so much as a pudding for my next_

Sunday’s _dinner: nay, sometimes I have been forc’d to wag my own hand

to get a penny for want of a journey-woman in my house to dispatch

business. To shun their jury, I once got sanctuary in the_

Rolls-_liberty, where I thought myself as safe as a fox in a badgers

hole, and had bid defiance to the rogues even to this day, for only

sacrificing now and then an elemosynary maiden-head to the fumbling of

old impotency; but some ill-natur’d observators beginning to reflect,

occasion’d my good friend to look a little a-skew upon me, when he found

his gravity and reputation began to be smear’d a little; so that I was

soon toss’d out by his untimely fear, whose lust before had kindly given

me protection: and now again, as true as I am a sinner, the rogues

plunder’d me of at least eight pence out of every shilling for

forbearance-money, and I believe will grow so unreasonable in a little

time, that they will not be content with less gain than an apothecary.

The officers of the parish, where-ever I liv’d, had the scouring of

their old rusty hangers for a word speaking, without so much as

gratifying the wench for making the bed, or being ever at the expence of

presenting one of my poor girls with a paper-fan, or a pair of taffeta

shoestrings. One honest churchwarden, I must confess, when I liv’d in

St._ Andrew_’s parish, after I had serv’d him and his son with the

choicest goods in my warehouse for above two years together, till they

had got a wife between them, had the gratitude, like an honest man, to

present me with a looking-glass; which I took so kindly at his hands,

that I declare it, should he come to my house to morrow, I would oblige

him with as good a commodity in my way, as a worthy old fornicator or

adulterer would desire to lay his hand upon_.

_Thus plaguing and pillaging of all our known houses of delight, has

been a great discouragement to young ladies from tendring their service

at such places, or rendevouzing in numbers upon the lawful occasions

that concern their livelihood, for fear of trouble or molestation, and

make them rather choose to deel singly, as interlopers, than incorporate

themselves with the company of town-traders, for fear of being scratch’d

out of their burrows by those reforming ferrets, who make worse havock

with the poor sculking creatures, than so many weasles or pole-cats

would do with coneys in a warren; they sleep in fear, walk in dread,

converse in danger, do their business, poor wretches, insteed of

pleasure, with an aking heart. Oh, sister! what a miserable age is this

we live in after you, that one part of mankind cannot obey the great law

of nature, but the other part shall make a law to punish them for doing

it! Which sport, if totally neglected, would soon make lions, and tygers

princes of the earth, and turn the world into a solitary wilderness._

_I cannot but reflect, with great concern, upon the unreasonableness of

some men in authority, who loving the old trade of basket-making so well

themselves, are so inveterate against the same practice in others, that

I cannot but believe, they think the sweet sin of copulation ought to be

enjoy’d by none under the dignity of a justice of peace, or at least

the authority of a high constable: nay, and are so inveterate when they

grow old, against other creatures who they know use it, that a grave

city magistrate, one of the reformed-society, seeing a young game cock

of his own, refresh his feather’d mistress three times in about half an

hour, he grew so wonderful angry with the lascivious chaunticleer, that

he order’d him forthwith to be depriv’d of his progenitors, for

committing so foul an act with such indecent immoderation; looking upon

the intemperance to be a shameful example, sufficient to stir up

inordinate desires in mankind, and to put the female part of his own

family upon unreasonable expectancies; but the good lady of the house

enquired into the reason, why the noble little creature was so severely

dealt by, and being inform’d by her chamber-maid, she compassionately

declar’d, that she would rather have given five pound than so barbarous

an action had been done in her family, for that the bird committed no

offence, and therefore deserv’d no punishment. Observe but in this

particular the cruelty of sordid man, and the tenderness of the female

sex! and how can those poor girls, who have nothing to depend on but the

drudgery of flipflap, expect any other than severe usage from so morose

a creature? For certain, whilst publick magistrates are in their

authority so stiff, and private women in their own houses so pliable,

the ladies of the town must starve, and be firk’d about from one_

Bridewell _to another; for the favours of a kind mistress, which were

once thought the most valuable blessings beneath the clouds, are now

become, thro’ the universal corruption of the female sex, such

unregarded drugs, that the scene is quite revers’d, and as women us’d to

take money formerly as but just recompence for their soft embraces, they

are forc’d to give money now, or else they will have a hard matter to

procure a gallant that is worth whistling after. How therefore at this

rate, are the poor whores like to be fed, when the rich ones buy up all

for their cats, and the middling whores in private lie and pick up the

crumbs? For what won’t down with the quality, are snapp’d up by

citizens-wives, sempstresses and head-dressers; insomuch, that I have

several pretty nymphs under my own jurisdiction, that some weeks I may

modestly say, don’t earn money enough to pay their three-penny

admittances into_ Pancras-_wells, but are often-times forc’d to tick

half a sice a piece for their watering; and were it not for the credit

I always preserve in those places, the poor wenches might be dash’d out

of countenance by being refus’d entrance; but money or no money, if they

are my puppets, and name but who they belong to, they are as kindly

receiv’d as so many butchers at the_ Bear-Garden; _for without them

there would be no sport. You may from thence observe what an honest

reputation I maintain abroad for a lady of my calling, that the word of

the homeliest courtezan protected under my roof, will pass for

three-pence any where that she’s known, without the least exception,

when many a poor house-keeper has not credit for a two-penny loaf._

_We have nothing to hope for, but that the national senate, thro’ their

wonted wisdom, will find out, without shamming on’t, some real expedient

to restrain the looseness of the age, and promote the practice of

morality and strict observance of religion; for thro’ all the experience

I have had in the mystery of intriguing, I have ever found the lady’s

students in the school of_ Venus, _attended with the most prosperity

when the people are most pious; whether it is that a good conscience

teaches gentlemen to be more grateful to their mistresses, or that as

the priests grow fat, the petticoat flourishes, I will leave you to

determine: so thanking you for the kind advice you gave me in your

letter, which shall always be esteem’d a guide to my future practice_,

_I rest_,

Your Loving Sister,

MOLL QUARLES.

[Illustration]

LETTERS

FROM THE

DEAD _to the_ LIVING.