PART II.

_A Letter from Seignior_ GIUSIPPE HANESIO, _High-German Doctor and

Astrologer in_ Brandinopolis, _to his Friends at_ WILL_’s

Coffee-House in_ Covent-Garden. _By Mr._ THO. BROWN.

_Gentlemen_,

Unless my memory fails me since my coming into these subterranean

dominions, ’twas much about this time last year, that I did myself the

honour to write to you: perhaps you expected a frequenter commerce from

me; and indeed, I should have been very proud to have maintained it on

my side, since nothing so much relieves me in these gloomy regions, as

to reflect on the many pleasant moments I have formerly pass’d in

_Covent-Garden_; but, alas! gentlemen, not to mention the great

difficulty of keeping such a correspondence, our lower world is nothing

near so fruitful in news as yours; one single sheet of paper will almost

contain the occurrences of a whole year; and were it not for the

numerous crowds of _Spaniards_, _French_, _Poles_, _Germans_, &c. that

daily arrive here, and entertain us with the transactions of _Europe_,

hell would be as melancholy a place as _Westminster-Hall_ in the long

vacation; and the generality of people among us would have as little to

employ their idle hours, as a lord-treasurer in _Scotland_, or a barber

in _Muscovy_. Besides, to speak more particularly, as to myself, that

everlasting hurry and tide of business, wherein I hive been overwhelm’d

ever since I honour’d myself with the title of _High-German_ doctor and

astrologer, does so entirely challenge all my time, that if you will

take my word, (and I hope you don’t suspect a person of my veracity) I

am forc’d, at this present writing, to deny myself to all my patients,

tho’ there are at least some half a score coaches with coronets waiting

now at my door, that I might receive no interruption from any visitants,

while I was dispatching this epistle to you.

My last, gentlemen, as you may easily remember, if you have not buried

such a trifle in oblivion, concluded with my taking a large house here

in _Brandinopolis_, and setting up for a physician and fortune-teller: I

shall now proceed to acquaint you, by what laudable artifices and

stratagems I advanced myself into that mighty reputation; in which, to

the admiration of this populous town, I at present flourish; what

notable cures I have performed, what sort of customers chiefly resort to

me; and lastly, To give you a short account of the most memorable

occurrences that have lately happen’d in these parts.

By the direction of my worthy friend, Mr. _Nokes_, who liberally

supply’d me with money to carry on this affair, I took a spacious house

in the great _Piazza_ here, then empty by the death of one of the most

eminent physicians of this famous city. This you must own to me,

gentlemen, was as favourable a step at my first setting out, as a man

could possibly wish; for you cannot be ignorant how many sorry brothers

of the faculty in _London_ keep their coaches, and wriggle themselves

into business, with no other merit to recommend them, than that of

dwelling in the same house where a celebrated doctor lived before them.

For this reason, I suppose, it was, (if you can pardon so short a

digression) that the popes came to monopolize the ecclesiastical

practice of the western world to themselves, by succeeding so great a

bishop as St. _Peter_. So much is the world govern’d by appearances, and

so apt to be cheated, as if knowledge and learning were bequeath’d to

one house or place; and like a piece of common furniture, went to the

next inhabiter.

But to dismiss this speculation, which perhaps may seem somewhat odd,

from a man of my merry character; having provided my house with every

thing convenient, adorn’d my hall with the pictures of _Galen_,

_Hippocrates_, _Albumazar_, and _Paracelsus_; cramm’d my library with a

vast collection of books, in all arts and languages, (tho’ under the

rose be it spoken, my worthy friends, your humble servant does not

understand a syllable of them) furnish’d it with a pair of globes

curiously painted, with the _exuviæ_ of two or three _East-India_

animals, a rattlesnake and a crocodile; and set up a fine elaboratory in

my court-yard. In short, after having taken care to set off my hall,

parlour and study, with all those noble decorations that serve to amuse

the multitude, and create strange ideas in them, I order’d a spacious

stage to be erected before my own habitation, got my bills ready

printed, together with a long catalogue of the cures perform’d by me,

during the time of my practising physick in your upper world; and then I

broke out with a greater expectation and _eclat_ than any doctor before

me was ever known to do.

Three or four weeks before I made my appearance in publick, which, as I

told you before, I intended to make with all the magnificence

imaginable, Mr. _Nokes_ and I, in conjunction with my brother comedian,

_Tony Lee_, laid our heads together, how to sham me upon the town for a

_virtuoso_, a miracle-monger, and what not. To favour this design, we

sent for three or four topping apothecaries to the tavern, gave them a

noble collation, and when half a dozen bumpers of wine had got us a free

admission into their hearts, we fairly let them into the secret; which

was, That they were to trumpet me up in all coffee-houses and places of

publick resort in town, for the ablest physician that ever came into

these parts; and as one kindness justly challenges another, I for my

part was to write bills as tall as the monument, and charge them with

the most costly medicines, tho’ they signify’d nothing at all to the

patient’s recovery. In short, the bargain was immediately struck up

between us; and those worthy gentlemen, I’ll say that for them, have not

been wanting to proclaim my extraordinary merits to all their

acquaintance.

This was not all; but Mr. _Nokes_, who was resolv’d at any rate to

introduce me into business, coming into one of the best frequented

chocolate-houses near the court, (for _Brandinopolis_, you must know, is

a perfect transcript of your wicked city) on a sudden pretends to be

troubled with intolerable gripings of the guts; and acted his part so

dextrously, that all the company pitied him, and thought he would expire

upon the spot. Immediately two or three doctors were sent for; who,

after a tedious consultation, at last pitch’d upon a never-failing

remedy, as they were pleas’d to call it; which accordingly they apply’d,

but without the desired effect. As his pains still continued upon him,

_What_, says he, _must I die here for want of help? And is there never

another physician to be had for love nor money?_ With that a certain

gentleman, that was posted there for that purpose, Sir, says he, there’s

a _German_ doctor lately come here, but for my part, I dare not

recommend him to you, for he’s a perfect stranger to us, and no body

knows him. _Oh, send for him, send for him_, cries Mr. _Nokes_, _these_

German _doctors are the finest fellows in the world; who can tell but he

may give me present ease?_ Upon this, a messenger was hurried to me with

all expedition: I told him I would come so soon as I had dispatch’d a

patient or two; and in a quarter of an hour came thundering to the door

in my chariot, and all the way pored upon a little book I carried in my

hands; tho’ I must frankly own to you, that a coach is as uncomfortable

a place to read, as to consummate in; but, gentlemen, ’tis with us here,

as in your world, nothing is to be done without policy and trick:

marching into the room with that gravity and solemn countenance, which

we physicians know so well to put on upon these occasions, and brushing

thro’ a numerous crowd of spectators, who stood there, expecting to see

what would be the result of this affair, I found Mr. _Nokes_ in such

terrible agonies, that any man would have swore he could not out-live

another minute. I felt his pulse, and told him, that by the

irregularities of his systole, and unequal vibration of his diastole, I

knew as well what ail’d him, as if I had seen him taken to pieces like

a watch; and plucking a small chrystal bottle out of my pocket, Sir,

says I to him, take some half a score drops of this _Anodyne Elixir_,

and I’ll engage all I am worth in the world, it will immediately relieve

you. But, under favour, Sir, to give you some short account of it before

you take it, you must understand, Sir, ’tis composed of two costly and

sovereign ingredients, which no man, besides myself, dares pretend to.

The first, Sir, is the celebrated balsam of _Chili_, (tho’ by the by,

the devil a jot of balsam, comes from that _Pagan_ place) and the

second, Sir, that most excellent cephalick, which the mongrelian

physicians call, the _electrum_ of _Samogitia_, gather’d at certain

seasons, Sir, upon the shore of the _Deucalidonian_ ocean, by the

_Ciracassian_ fishermen. Mr. _Nokes_ listned to this edifying discourse

with wonderful attention, then followed my direction; and before you

could count twenty, got upon his legs, took a few turns about the room,

cut a caper a yard high, and kindly embracing me, doctor, says he, I am

more obliged to you, than words are able to express; you have delivered

me from the most intolerable pains that ever poor wretch groan’d under:

and then presenting me with a purse of guineas, I hope you’ll be pleas’d

to accept of this small trifle, till I am in a capacity of making you a

better acknowledgment: However, to express in some measure my gratitude

to yourself, as likewise to shew my regard for the publick welfare, I

will take care to get the extraordinary cure advertised in the

_Gazette_, and other publick papers. I told him he had more than paid me

for so inconsiderable a a matter, adding, That I was at his service

whenever he or any of his friends would do me the honour to send for me;

and so took my leave of him.

This miraculous operation (for so they were pleased to christen it)

occasion’d a great deal of talk in the town, very much to my advantage;

but what happen’d three days after, perfectly confirm’d all sorts of

people, that I was a _Non-pareil_ in my profession, and out-went all

that ever pretended to physick before me.

_Tony Lee_, who, as I told you in my last, keeps a conventicle in this

infernal world, and was engag’d as well as my brother _Nokes_ in the

confederacy to serve me, took occasion to be surpris’d with apoplectick

fits in the beginning of his sermon; he had hardly split and divided his

text, according to the usual forms, but his eyes rowl’d in his head,

every muscle in his face was distorted; he foam’d at mouth, fumbled with

the cushion, over-set the hour-glass, dropp’d his notes and bible upon

the clerk’s head, and at last down he sunk as flat as a flounder to the

bottom of the pulpit. ’Tis impossible to describe to you what a strange

consternation the auditory were in at this calamitous disaster that had

befallen their minister: the men stared at one another, as they had been

all bewitch’d; and the women set up such a hideous screaming and

roaring, that I question whether they would have done so much if a

regiment of dragoons had broke into the room to ravish them. The duchess

of _Mazarine_ chafed his temples; Mother _Stratford_ (of pious memory)

lugg’d a brandy-bottle out of her pocket, and rubb’d his nostrils; but

still poor _Tony_ continu’d senseless, and without the least motion.

When they found all these means ineffectual, at last the whole

congregation unanimously resolv’d to send for me; who, according as it

had been agreed before-hand between us, soon brought my holy _Levite_ to

his senses again, by applying a few drops of my aforesaid _Elixir_ to

his temples. Honest _Tony_ was no sooner recover’d, but I had the thanks

of the whole assembly; and a reverend elder in a venerable band, that

reach’d from shoulder to shoulder, offer’d me a handsome gratuity for my

pains; but I refus’d it, telling him, I look’d upon myself sufficiently

rewarded, since I had been the happy (tho’ unworthy) instrument in the

hand of providence (and then I turn’d up the whites of my eyes most

religiously towards Heaven) to save the life of so precious and powerful

a divine.

This pair of miraculous cures flew thro’ every street, alley, and corner

of the town, like a train of gun-powder, with more expedition and

improvements, than scandal used, in my time, to walk about _Whitehall_;

and as it usually happens, in these cases, lost nothing in the relation.

The godly party much magnify’d me for refusing the unrighteous _mammon_

when it was offer’d me; my two trusty apothecaries talk’d of nothing but

the prodigies of seignior _Hanesio_; but my surest cards, the midwives

and nurses, when the sack-posset and brandy began to operate in their

noddles, thought they could never say enough in my commendation.

Thus, gentlemen, I had abundantly secur’d to myself the reputation of a

great physician; and nothing now remain’d, but to make the world believe

I was personally acquainted with every star in the firmament, could

extort what confessions I pleas’d out of the planets; and was no less

skill’d in astrology than in medicine. My never failing friend _Tony_,

was once more pleas’d to give me a lift upon this occasion. As the

dissenting ministers (you know) have the privilege to go into the

bed-chambers and closets of the ladies that resort to their meetings,

without the least offence or scandal, _Tony_ spy’d his opportunity, when

the room was clear, rubb’d off with a gold watch, and some lockets of

the duchess of _Mazarine_’s. The things were immediately missing, but

who durst suspect a person of the pious Mr. _Lee_’s character and

function? In short, every servant in the family was threatened with the

rack; and the whole house, trunks, coffers, boxes, and all examin’d,

from the garret down to the cellar. The poor duchess took the loss of

her watch and lockets mightily to heart, kept her bed upon it for a

fortnight; but at last was perswaded to make her application to my

worship. I told her, _sur le champ_, that her things were safe, that the

party who made bold with them, being troubled with compunctions of

conscience, had not sold but hid them under such a tree, which I

described to her in queen _Proserpine_’s park; and that if she went

thither next morning by break of day, she would find my words true.

Accordingly as I predicted, it happened to a tittle (for I had taken

care to lodge them there the night before). And now who was the

universal subject of people’s discourse, but the famous seignior

_Giusippe_.

So that when the long expected day came, on which I was to make my

publick appearance, the streets, windows and balconies, were so cramm’d

with spectators of all sorts, that as often as I think on’t, I pity my

poor lord-mayor and aldermen with all my heart, that their

_Cheapside_-show shou’d fall so infinitely short of mine. _Tom

Shadwell_, who still keeps up his musical talent in these gloomy

territories, began the entertainment with thrumming upon an old broken

theorbo, and merry Sir _John Falstaff_ sung to him, and afterwards both

of them walk’d upon the slack rope, in a pair of jack-boots, to the

admiration of all the beholders. After the mob had been diverted for

some time with entertainments of this nature, and, particularly, by some

legerdemain tricks of _Appollonius Tyanæus_, my conjurer, being attended

by Dr. _Connor_, my toad-eater in ordinary, Mr. _Lobb_, the late

presbyterian parson, my corn-cutter; Sir _Patient Ward_, my

merry-andrew, and the famous _Mithridates_ king of _Pontus_, my orator,

I mounted the stage, and bowing on each side me, paid my respects to the

noble company, in a most ceremonious manner. I was apparell’d in a black

velvet coat, trimm’d with large gold loops of the newest fashion, and

buttons as big as ostrich’s eggs; my muff was at least an ell long. I

travers’d my stage some half a score times, then cocking my beaver, and

holding up my cane close to my nose after the manner of us sons of

_Galen_, I harangu’d them as follows: In the first place I told them,

That it was not without the utmost regret, that I saw so many quacks and

nauseous pretenders to the faculty, daily impose upon the publick. That

neither ambition, self-interest, or the like sordid motive, had tempted

me to expose myself thus upon the theatre of the world; and that nothing

but a generous zeal to rescue medicine out of the hands of a pack of

rascals, that were a dishonour to it, and the particular respect I bore

to the inhabitants of the most renown’d city of _Brandinopolis_; who for

their good breeding and civility to strangers, were not to be equall’d

in any of _Pluto_’s dominions, had prevail’d over my natural modesty,

and drawn me out of my beloved obscurity; that lastly, I requested a

favourable construction upon this publick way of practice, which some

impudent emperics (whom I scorn to mention) had render’d scandalous; and

as I was a graduate in several universities, would have certainly

declin’d, but that my regard for the _salus populi_ superseded all those

scruples; and made me rather hazard the loss of my reputation with some

censorious persons, than lose any opportunity of exerting my utmost

abilities for the benefit of mankind.

When this harangue was over, I withdrew, and left the rest of the

ceremony to be perform’d by my orator _Mithridates_, who descanted a

long while upon my great experience and skill, my travels, and great

adventures in foreign countries; the testimonials, certificates, medals,

and the like favours, I had receiv’d from most of the crown’d heads and

princes in the universe. And when this was over, order’d _Matt.

Gilliflower_ and _Dick Bently_, two of my footmen to disperse printed

copies of my bill among the people, together with the catalogue of the

cures by me formerly perform’d in your upper hemisphere; both which

papers, because they contain something singular in them, and are written

above the common strain, I have given my self the trouble to transcribe.

_Thesaurum & talentum ne abscondas in agro._

_Signior_ GUISIPPE HANESIO, High German _Astrologer

and Chymist; seventh son of a son, unborn doctor of

above sixty years experience, educated at twelve universities,

having travelled thro’ fifty two kingdoms, and

been counsellor to counsellors of several monarchs_.

_Hoc juris publici in communem utilitatem publicum fecit._

Who by the blessing of _Æsculapius_ on his great pains, travels,

and nocturnal lucubrations, has attain’d to a greater share of

knowledge than any person before him was ever known to do.

_Imprimis_, Gentlemen, I present you with my universal solutive, or

_Cathartic Elixir_, which corrects all the cacochymic and

cachexical diseases of the intestines; cures all internal and

external diseases, all vertiginous vapours, hydrocephalus,

giddiness, or swimming of the head, epileptic fits, flowing of the

gall, stoppage of urine, ulcers in the womb and bladder; with many

other distempers, not hitherto distinguish’d by name.

_Secondly_, My friendly pill, call’d, _the never failing

Heliogenes_, being the tincture of the sun, and deriving vigour,

influence and dominion, from the same light; it causes all

complexions to laugh or smile, even in the very time of taking it;

which it effects, by dilating and expanding the gelastic muscles,

first of all discover’d by my self. It dulcifies the whole mass of

the blood, maintains its

[Illustration: _Joe Haynes’s Mountebankˢ Speech_

_Vol: II. P. 140._]

circulation, reforms the digestion of the chylon, fortifies the

opthalmic nerves, clears the officina intelligentiæ, corrects the

exorbitancy of the spleen, mundifies the hypogastrium, comforts the

sphincter, and is an excellent remedy against the prosopochlorosis,

or green-sickness, sterility, and all obstructions whatever. They

operate seven several ways in, order, as nature herself requires;

for they scorn to be confin’d to any particular way of operation,

_viz._ hypnotically; by throwing the party into a gentle slumber;

hydrotically by their operitive faculty, in opening the interstitia

pororum; carthartically, by cleansing the bowels of all crudities

and tartarous mucilage, with which they abound; proppysmatically,

by forcing the wind downward; hydragogically, by exciting urine;

pneumatically, by exhilerating the spirits; and lastly,

synecdochically, by corroborating the whole _oeconomia animalis_.

They are twenty or more in every tin-box, sealed with my coat of

arms, which are, _Three clyster pipes erect_ gules, _in a field

argent_; my crest, _a bloody hand out of a mortar, emergent_; and

my supporters, _a Chymist and an Apothecary_. This _Tinctura

Solaris_, or most noble off-spring of _Hyperion_’s golden

influence, wipes off abstersively all those tenacious,

conglomerated, sedimental sordes, that adhere to the œsophagus and

viscera, extinguishes all supernatural ferments and ebullitions;

and, in fine, annihilates all the nosotrophical or morbific ideas

of the whole corporeal _compages_.

_Thirdly_, My _Panagion Outacousticon_, or auricular restorative:

were it possible to show me a man so deaf, that if a demiculverin

were to be let off under his ear, he could not hear the report, yet

these infallible drops (first invented by the two famous

physician-brothers, St. _Cosmus_, and St. _Damian_, call’d the

_Anargyri_ in the ancient _Greek_ menologies; and some forty years

ago, communicated to me by _Anastasio Logotheti_, a _Greek_ collier

at _Adrianople_, when I was invited into those parts to cure sultan

_Mahomet_ IV. of an elephantiasis in his diaphragm) would recover

his auditive faculty, and make him hear as smartly as an old

fumbling priest, when a young wench gives him account of her lost

maiden-head at the confessional.

_Fourthly_, My _Anodyne Spirit_, excellent to ease pain, when taken

inwardly, and applied outwardly, excellent for any lameness,

shrinking or contraction of the nerves; for eyes, deafness, pain

and noise in the ears; and all odontalgic, as well as podagrical

inflammations.

_Fifthly_, My _Antidotus Antivenerealis_; which effectually cures

all gonorrheas, carnosities in the delinquent part, tumours,

phymosis, paraphymosis, christalline priapisms, hemorrhoids,

cantillamata, ragades, bubos, imposthumations, carbuncles,

genicular nodes, and the like, without either baths or stoves; as

also without mercury so often destructive to the poor patient, with

that privacy, that the nearest relation shall not perceive it.

_Sixthly_, My _Pectoral Lozenges_, or _Balsam_ of _Balsams_, which

effectually carries off all windy and tedious coughs, spitting of

blood, wheezing in the larynx and ptyalismus, let it be never so

inveterate.

_Seventhly_, and _lastly_, My _Pulvis Vermifugus_, or _Antivermatic

Powder_ brings up the rear, so famous for killing and bringing away

all sorts of worms incident to human bodies breaking their

complicated knots in the _duodenum_, and dissolving the phlegmatick

crudities that produce those anthropophagous vermin. It has brought

away, by urine, worms as long as the may-pole in the _Strand_, when

it flourish’d in its primitive prolixity, tho’, I confess, not

altogether so thick. In short, ’tis a specifick catholicon for the

cholick, expels winds by eructation, or otherwise; accelerates

digestion, and creates an appetite to a miracle.

I dexterously couch the cataract or suffusion, extirpate wens of

the greatest magnitude, close up hair-lips, whether treble or

quadruple; cure the polipus upon the nose, and all scrophulous

tumours, cancers in the breast, _Noli me tangeri_’s, St.

_Anthony_’s fire, by my new invented _unguentum Antipyreticum_,

excrescences, or superfluous flesh in the mouth of the bladder or

womb; likewise I take the stone from women or maids without

cutting.

I have steel trusses, and instruments of a new invention, together

with never-failing medicines and methods to cure ruptures, and knit

the peritonæum. And here I cannot forbear to communicate an useful

piece of knowledge to the world, which is, that with the learned

_Villipandus_, in his excellent treatise, _de congrubilitate

materiæ primæ cum confessione Augustana_, I take a rupture to be a

relaxation of the natural cavities, at the bottom of the cremaster

muscles. But this, _en passant_, I forge all my self; nay my very

machines for safe and easy drawing teeth and obscure stumps. Mrs.

_Littlehand_, midwife to the princess of _Phlegethon_, can

sufficiently inform the women of my helps, and what I do for the

disruption of the fundament and uterus, and other strange

infirmities of the matrix, occasioned by the bearing of children,

violent coughing, heavy work, _&c._ which I challenge any person in

the _Acherontic_ dominions to perform, but my self.

If any woman be unwilling to speak to me, they may have the

conveniency of speaking to my wife, who is expert in all feminine

distempers. She has an excellent cosmetick water to carry off

freckles, sun-burn, or pimples; and a curious red pomatum to plump

and colour the lips. She can make red hair as white as a lilly; she

shapes the eyebrows to a miracle; makes low foreheads as high as

you please, has a never failing remedy for offensive breaths, a

famous essence to correct the ill scent of the arm-pits, a rich

water that makes the hair curl, a most delicate paste to smooth and

whiten the hands; also,

_A rare secret that takes away all warts,_

_From the face, hands, fingers, and privy-parts._

Those who are not able to come to me, let them send their urine,

especially that made after midnight, and on sight of it, I will

tell them what their distemper is, and whether curable or no. Nay,

let a man be in never so perfect health of body, his constitution

never so vigorous and athletical, if he shews me his water, I can

as infallibly predict what distemper will first attack him, though

perhaps it will be thirty or forty years hence, as an astronomer,

by the rules of his science, can foretel solar or lunar eclipses

the year before they happen. I have predicted miraculous things by

the pulse, far above any philosopher: by it, I not only discover

the circumstances of the body; but if the party be a woman, I can

foretel how many husbands and children she shall have; if a

tradesman whether his wife will fortify his forehead with horns;

and so of the rest. This is not all, but I will engage to tell any

serious persons what their business is on every radical figure,

before they speak one word; what has already happen’d to them from

their very infancy down to the individual hour of their consulting

me, what their present circumstances are, what will happen to them

hereafter; in what part of the body they have moles; what colour

and magnitude they are of; and lastly, how profited, that is,

whether they calminate equinoctially or horizontally upon the

_Mesogastrium_; from which place alone, and no other, as the

profound _Trismegistus_ has observ’d before me, in his elaborate

treatise _de erroribus Styli Gregoriani_, all solid conjectures are

to be formed.

I have likewise attained to the green, golden and black dragon,

known to none but magicians and hermatic philosophers; I tell the

meaning of all magical panticles, sigils, charms and lameness, and

have a glass, and help to further marriage; and what is more, by my

learning and great travels, I have obtained the true and perfect

seed and blossom of the female fern; and infinitely improv’d that

great traveller major _John Coke_’s famous necklaces for breeding

of teeth. The spring being already advanc’d, which is the properest

season for preventing new, and renewing old distempers, neglect not

this opportunity----

_My hours are from nine till twelve in the morning, and from two in

the afternoon till nine at night, every day in the week, except on

the real christian sabbath, called_ Saturday.

_It may be of use to keep this advertisement._

This, gentlemen, is an exact copy of my bill, which has been carefully

distributed all over this populous city, pasted upon the chief gates and

churches; and since dispersed by two running messengers, _Theophrastus

Paracelsus_ and _Cornelius Agrippa_, all over king _Pluto_’s dominions.

I forgot to tell you, that finding it absolutely necessary to take me a

wife, (the women in certain cases that shall be nameless, being

unwilling to consult any but those of their own sex) I was advised by

some friends to make my applications to the famous _Cleopatra_ queen of

_Egypt_, who being a person of great experience, and notably well

skill’d in the _Arcana_’s of nature, would in all probability make me an

admirable spouse. In short, after half a dozen meetings, rather for form

sake than any thing else, the bargain was struck, and a match concluded

between her _Alexandrian_ majesty and myself; cardinal _Wolsey_, who is

now curate of a small village, to the tune of four marks _per annum_,

and the magnificent perquisites of a bear and fiddle, perform’d the holy

ceremony: _Amphion_ of _Thebes_ diverted us at dinner with his crowd,

and all the while _Molinos_, the quietist, danced a _Lancashire_ jigg.

Sir _Thomas Pilkington_, who, as I told you in my last, is become a most

furious rhime-tagger or versificator, composed the _epithilamium_; and

_Sardanapalus_, _Caligula_, _Nero_, _Heliogabalus_, and pope _Alexander_

VII. were pleas’d to throw the stocking. Her majesty, to do her a piece

of common justice, proves a most dutiful and laborious wife, spreads all

my plaisters, makes all my unguents, distills all my waters, and pleases

my customers beyond expression.

Thus, gentlemen, you see my bill, by which you may guess whether I don’t

infinitely surpass those empty pretending quacks of your world, who

confine their narrow talent to one distemper, which they cure but by one

remedy; whereas all diseases are alike to me, and I have a hundred

several ways to extirpate them. I shall now trespass so far upon your

patience, as to present you with the catalogue of my cures, which being

somewhat singular, and out of the way, I have the vanity to believe will

not be unwelcome to you----

_A true and faithful Catalogue of some remarkable Cures perform’d

in the other_ World, _by the famous Signior_ GIUSIPPE HANESIO,

_High-German_ Doctor _and_ Astrologer.

By PLUTO’s Authority.

_Hic est quam legis, ille quam requiris,_

_Totis notus in inferis_ JOSEPHUS.

Because I am so much a person of honour and integrity, that even in

this lower world I would not forfeit my reputation, I desire my

incredulous adversaries (of which number, being a stranger to this

place, I presume I have but too many) to get if they can to the

upper regions, and satisfy themselves of the truth of my admirable

performances. To begin then with those of quality.

Pope _Innocent_ the eleventh was so strangely over run with a

complication of _Jansenism_, _Quietism_, and _Lutheranism_, that

not only his nephew, Don _Livio Odeschalchi_, but the whole sacred

consistory despaired of his recovery; I so mundify’d his

intellectuals with my catholick essence of _Hellebore_, that he

continued _rectus in cerebro_ many years after; and if the _French_

ambassador, by making such a hubbub about his quarters, occasion’d

old infallibility to relapse, _Loüis le Grand_ must answer for it,

and not signior _Giusippe_.

I cured the late _Sophy_ of _Persia_, _Shaw Solyman_ by name, of a

_Febris Tumulenta_, so that he could digest the exactions and blood

of a whole province, hold his hand as steady as _Harry Killegrew_

after a quart of surfeit water in a morning; and if he dy’d

presently after, let his eunuchs and whores look to that, if one

with their politicks, and the other with their tails, spoil’d the

operation of my _Elixir magnum stomachicum_.

I cured _Aureng-Zebe_, the old mogul, of an _epilepsia fanatica_,

with which he was afflicted to that degree, that patents were

dispatch’d, and persons named to go ambassadors extraordinary to

_William Pen_, _George Whitehead_, _William Mede_; the

_Philadelphians_, _Cameronians_, _Jesuits_, and _Jacobian

Whiskerites_, for a communication of diseases and remedies; but by

my cephalick snuff and tincture, I made him as clear headed a rake

as ever got drunk with classics at the university, or expounded

_Horace_ in _Will_’s coffee-house; and messengers were sent thro’

all his empire to get him _Dutry_, _Bung_, _Satyrion_,

_Cantharides_, _Whores_, and _Schyraz wine_; and if he has since

fallen down to his _Alcoran_ and the flat effects of ninety seven

years of age, blame his damn’d courtiers and not me, that instead

of nicking the nice operation of the medicine, let in books and

priests, to debauch his understanding.

I cured the _Mahometan_ predestinarian _Sultan_ of the great _East

India_ island _Borneo_, of want of blood, by counselling him to

follow his inclinations and bathe in it, that he might restore

himself by spight and percolation; but vexations from his _Divan_,

the neighbour emperor of _China_, a saucy young jackanapes, and a

sorrel hair’d female gave him such jolts, that quite spoil’d the

continuance of the noblest cure in the world.

_Peter Alexowitz_, present czar of _Muscovy_, fell ill of a

_Calenture_ in _London_, occasion’d by putting too great a quantity

of gun-powder into his usquebaugh, and pepper into his brandy; all

the topping doctors of the town were sent for, and apply’d their

_Cortex_ and _Opium_ to no purpose. What should I do in this pinch,

but order’d a hole to be made in the _Thames_ for him, as they do

for the ducks in St. _James’s-Park_, it being then an excessive

frost, sous’d him over head and ears morning and night, and by this

noble experiment not only recovered him, but likewise gave a hint

to the setting up of a cold-bath near Sir _John Oldcastle_’s which

has done such miracles since.

I cured a noble peer, aged sixty seven, of a perpetual priapism, so

that now his pimping valets, and footmen, his bawds, spirit of

_Clary_, and a maidenhead of fourteen can hardly raise him, who

before was scarce to be trusted with his own family; nay, his own

wife: and now he’s as continent and virtuous a statesman as ever

lin’d his inward letchery with outward gravity.

A noble peeress, that lives not full a hundred miles from St.

_James_’s square, in the sixty sixth year of her age, was seiz’d

with a _furor uterinus_; by plying her ladyship with a few drops of

my _Antepyretical Essence_, extracted from a certain vegetable

gathered under the artic pole, and known to no body but myself, I

perfectly allay’d this preternatural ferment; and now she lies at

quiet, tho’ both her hands are unty’d as a new swaddled babe, and

handles no rascals but _Pam_, and his gay fellows of the cards.

_Honoraria Frail_, eldest daughter to my old lady _Frail_ of

_Red-Lyon-Square_, by too prodigally distributing _les dernieres

feveurs_ to her mother’s sandy pated coachman and pages, had so

strangely dilated the gates _du citadel d’amour_, that one might

have marched a regiment of dragoons thro’ them. Her mother, who was

in the greatest perplexities imaginable upon the score of this

disaster, sent to consult me: With half a dozen drops of my _Aqua

Styptica_, _Hymenealis_, I so contracted all the avenues of the

aforesaid citadel, that the _Yorkshire_ knight that marry’d her,

spent above a hundred small-shot against the walls, and bombarded

the fortress a full fortnight before he cou’d enter it; and now

they are the happiest couple within the bills of mortality.

I renewed the youth from the girdle downwards of madam _de

Maintenon_, so that she afforded all the delights imaginable, to

her old grand lover in imagination, and to the younger bigots and

herself in reality: while her face still remain’d as great an

object of mortification as her beads, death’s-head, and discipline;

and this noble cure still remains to be view’d by all the world.

_Harry Higden_ of the _Temple_, counsellor, was so miserably

troubled with the long vacation disease, or the _defectus crumenæ_,

that the sage benchers of the house threatned to padlock his

chamber door for non-payment of rent. He asked my advice in this

exigence: I, who knew the full strength of his furniture, which

consisted of a rug, two blankets, a joint-stool, and a

tin-candlestick, that served him for a piss-pot when revers’d,

counselled him to take his door off the hinges, and lock it up in

his study. He followed my advice, and by that means escaped the

abovemention’d ostracism of the padlock.

_Margaret Cheatly_, bawd, match-maker, and mid-wife of

_Bloomsbury_, by immoderate drinking of strong-waters, had got a

nose so termagantly rubicund, that she out-blazed the comet: my

cosmetic _Florentine-unguent_, absolutely reform’d this

inflammation, and now she looks as soberly as a dissenting

minister’s goggle-ey’d convenience.

_Jerry Scandal_, whale and ghost printer in _White-Friers_, had

plagued the town above ten years with apparitions, murders,

catechisms, and the like stuff; by showing him the phiz of terrible

_Robin_ in my green magic-glass, I so effectually frighted him,

that he has since demolish’d all his letters, dismissed his

hawkers, flung up his business, and instead of news, cries

flounders and red-herrings about the streets.

_Joachim Hazard_, of _Cripplegate_ parish in _White-cross-street_,

almost at the farther end near _Old-street_, turning in at the sign

of the _White Crow_ in _Goat-alley_, strait forward, down

three-steps at the sign of the _Globe_, was so be-devil’d with the

spirit of lying, that he out-did two hard mouth’d evidences in

their own profession, and could not open his mouth without

romancing; I made him snuff up some half a score drops of my

_Elixir Alethinum_, and now he has left off fortune-telling and

astrology, and is return’d to his primitive trade of weaving.

_Farmer Frizzle-pate_, of _Bullington_, near _Andover_, had been

blind thirty five years and upwards; my _Ophthalmick_ drops

restor’d him to his sight in a minute, and now he can read a

_Geneva_ bible without spectacles. A certificate of this miraculous

cure, I have under the hand of the parson of the parish, and his

amen-curler.

I cured a _Kentish_ parson of an _Infirmitas Memoriæ_, which he got

by a jumble of his _Glandula Pinealis_, after a bowl of punch and a

boxing-bout. He was reduc’d to that deplorable condition, as to

turn over play-books instead of his concordance, quote _Quæ Genus_

instead of St. _Austin_; nay, he forgot tythe-eggs, demanded

_Easter_ dues at _Martinmas_, bid _Bartholomew-Fair_ instead of

_Ash-Wednesday_; and frequently mistook the service of matrimony,

for that of the dead: what is yet more surprising, he forgot even

to drink over his left thumb; but now he has as staunch a memory,

as a pawn-broker for the day of the month; a country attorney for

mischief; or a popish clergyman for revenge.

I cured serjeant _Dolthead_, of a prodigious itch in the palms of

his hands: A most wonderful cure! for now he refuses fees, as

heartily as a young wench does an ugly fellow, when she has a

handsome one in view; his attorney is run mad, his wife is turn’d

bawd to take double fees; and his daughters mantua-makers and

whores, to get by two trades.

An eminent coach-keeping physician was troubled with a _Farrago

Medicinarum_, or a _Tumor Prescriptionalis_ to that monstrous

degree, that he writ bills by the ell, and prescribed medicines by

the hogshead and wheelbarrow-full. To the amazement of all that

knew him: I have effectually cured him on’t; for he now writes but

three words, prescribes but two scruples, leaves people to a

wholesome kitchen-diet, and nature has undone the sexton and

funeral undertaker; and the overstock’d parish has petitioned the

privy-council to send out a new coloney to the _West-Indies_.

I cured a certain head of a college, of a _Hebetude Cerebri_; so

that he now jokes with the bachelors and junior fry, goes to the

dancing-school with the fellow-commoners; and next act will be able

to make a whole _terræ filius_’s speech himself.

An apothecary in _Cheapside_, was so strangely over-run with an

_Inundatio Veneni_, that the grass grew in the parish round him;

but now, thanks to the cure I wrought upon him, he has reduc’d his

shop to the compass of a raree-show, gets but ten pence in the

shilling, let the neighbouring infants grow up to men; and is going

to build an hospital for decay’d prize-fighters and dragoons.

I cured a vintner behind the _Exchange_, of a _Mixtura Diabolica_,

so that now he hates apples as much as our forefather after his

kick on the arse out of paradice; shuns a drugster’s shop, as much

as a broken cit does a serjeant; swears he’ll clear but ten

thousand pounds in five years, and then set up for psalm-singing,

and sleeping under the pulpit.

I cured a _Norfolk_ attorney of the _Scabies Causidico Rabularies_,

another prodigious cure never perform’d before; so that now he’s as

quiet as a cramb’d capon among barn door hens, he won’t so much as

scratch for his food; his uncle the counseller has disinherited

him; and since he has listed himself for a foot soldier.

I cured an _Amsterdam_ burgomaster’s wife of barrenness, so that

now she has two children at a birth; besides a brace of sooterkins

every year, and even now in these low-countries (so effectual are

my remedies) I am teaz’d with daily messages, for astringents and

flood gates, to help the poor pains-taking mortal in his aquatic

situation.

_Pierre Babillard_, _French_ valet and pimp in ordinary to my lord

_Demure_, was troubled with the _Glosso-mania_, or that epidemical

disease of _Normandy_, the talking sickness. He not only prattled

all night in his sleep, but his clack went incessantly all day

long; the cook-maid and nurse were talk’d quite deaf by him;

whereas his master labour’d under the contrary extreme, and by his

good will wou’d not strike once in twenty four hours; by the most

stupendous operation that ever was known, (for the transfusion of

one animal’s blood into another, so much boasted of by the royal

society, is not to be compared to it) I transfused some of the

_French_ valet’s loquacity into the noble peer, and some of the

noble peer’s taciturnity into the _French_ valet; so that now, to

the great consolation of the family, my lord sometimes talks, and

Monsieur _Babillard_ sometimes holds his tongue.

Sir _Blunder Dullman_, professor of rhetorick, and orator to the

ancient city of _Augusta Trinobantum_, had been troubled, ever from

his infancy with that epidemical magistrate’s distemper, the _Bos_

in _Lingua_; so that whenever he made any speeches, the gentlemen

were ready to split their sides, and the ladies to bepiss

themselves with laughing at the singularities of his discourse. By

my _Pulvis Cephalicus_, I so far recover’d him, that he cou’d draw

up his tropes and metaphors in good order, and harangue you twenty

lines upon the stretch, without making above the same number of

blunders. If he has since relapsed, ’tis no fault of mine, but he

may e’en thank his city conversation for it.

_Dinah Fribble_, eldest daughter to _Jonathan Fribble_ of

_Thames-street_, tallow-chandler, was so enormously given to the

language of old _Babylon_, that she would talk bawdy before her

mother, her grandmother, and godmother; nay, name the two beastly

monosyllables before the doctor and lecturer of the parish. Her

father, one of the worshipful elders of _Salters-hall_, wondered

how a child so religiously educated, fed from her cradle with the

crumbs of comfort, and lull’d daily asleep with _Hopkins_ and

_Sternhold_, should labour under so obscene a dispensation. In

short, I was sent for, pour’d some twenty drops of my

_Anti-Asmodean_ essence into her nostrils, and the next morning a

huge thundering _Priapus_ eleven inches long, came out of her left

ear; she’s now perfectly recover’d, talks as piously, and behaves

herself as gravely as the demurest female in the neighbourhood.

_Daniel Guzzle_, Inn-keeper in _Southwark_, by perpetual tippling

with his customers, was so inordinately swell’d with a dropsy, that

Sir _John Falstaff_, in _Harry_ the fourth, was a meer skeleton to

him. I tapp’d his _Heidelburg-Abdomen_, and so vast an inundation

issued from him, that if the stream had continued a quarter of an

hour longer, it would have overflowed the whole borough, and made a

second cataclysm. He is now perfectly cured, is as slender as a

beau that has been twice salivated for a shape; runs up the

monument some half a score times every morning for his diversion,

jumps thro’ a hoop, makes nothing of leaping over a five-barr’d

gate; and the famous Mr. _Barnes_ of _Rotherhith_ has enter’d him

into his company.

_Obadiah Hemming_, Taylor, at the sign of the _Red-Wastcoat_ and

_Blazing-Star_, near _Tower-Hill_, was troubled with so unmerciful

a _Ptisick_, that no body in the family could sleep for him: I

ply’d him with my _Antitussient Pillula Pulmonaris_, but without

effect. I wondered how the devil my never-failing remedy

disappointed me! cries I to him, honest friend, what may your name

be? _Obadiah Hemming_, says he. Very well; and what parish do you

live in; _All-hallows-Barking_. Oh, ho! I have now found out the

secret how my pills came to miscarry; why, friend, thou hast a

damn’d ptisical name, and livest in a confounded ptisical parish:

come call thyself _Obadiah Bowman_, and get thee to _Hampstead_,

_Highgate_, or any place but _All-hallows-Barking_, and I’ll insure

thy recovery. He did so; and is so strangely improv’d upon it, that

he is since chosen into St. _Paul_’s choir, and begins to rival Mr.

_Goslin_ and Mr. _Elford_.

_Rebbecca Twist_, Ribbon-Weaver, in _Drum-Alley, Spittle Fields_,

aged 75, by drinking anniseed-robin, geneva, and other ungodly

liquors, and smoaking mundungus, had so utterly decayed her natural

heat, that she had lain bed-rid thirty years, and on my conscience

a calenture would no more have warm’d her, than a farthing candle

would roast a sirloin of beef. I made so entire a renovation of her

with my _Arcanum Helmontio-Glaubero-Paracelsianum_, that she’s

become another creature, out-talks the parson and midwife at every

gossiping, dances to a miracle, never fails to give her attendance

at all merry meetings; and no sooner hears the noise of a fiddle,

but she frisks and capers it about, like a young hoyden of fifteen.

_Nehemiah Conniver_, one of the city reformers, was so totally

deform’d with the _Lepra Hypocritica_, that never a barber,

victualler, or taylor in the neighbourhood could live in quiet for

him. To the admiration of all that knew him, I have so effectually

cured him of this acid humour, that he will out-swear ten dragoons,

go to a bawdy-house in the face of the sun; and out talk a score

of midwives in natural philosophy.

Thus, gentlemen, you have my bill, and catalogue of cures, by which

you’ll easily perceive that our internal world is only a

counter-part of your’s, where hard words, impudence, and nonsense,

delivered with a magisterial air, carry every thing before them. I

should now according to the method proposed to myself, proceed to

give you a short account of what memorable occurrences have lately

happened in these _Acherontic_ realms, but the vast crowds of

visitants at my door are so obstreporous and troublesome, that I

can conceal myself from them no longer. Be pleas’d, therefore, to

accept of this imperfect relation in part of payment, and next

month, when I shall have a better convenience of writing my

thoughts at large, I will endeavour to give you full satisfaction.

In the mean time, give me leave to assure you, that my highest

ambition is to honour myself with the title of,

_Gentlemen,

Your most obedient and

most humble Servant_,

GIUSIPPE HANESIO.

_Sir_ FLEETWOOD SHEPHERD _to Mr._ PRIOR.

It is some time since (you know) that I took my leave of you, and the

sun, and I fear’d of all good company too. My curiosity to observe the

nature of an affair, whereof every body talks, tho’ not one of them can

understand, made me so long silent; that if it were possible I might

give my friends some account or other that should be of moment to them,

either for diversion or improvement. Your weighty affairs prevent the

one, and your capacity the other; but that you may see friendship as

well as virtue survives the grave, I address this to you, to assure you,

we are not annihilated, as some philosophers opened, and that our

felicity does not consist in an unactive indolence as others as vainly

pretended. Virtue is its own reward, and vice its own punishment. We

are so refined here, that nothing can veil evil from the piercing eyes

of every body, and the malice and envy of the most inveterate devils

cannot over-cast the glories of the good. We impute a great many faults

to the frailty of the flesh very unjustly. The soul hath its warpings as

well as the clay, and some vices are so natural that we cannot

extinguish them, tho’ we may in some measure prevent their flaming out

and boiling over. These remain still, and employ all the utmost efforts

of our prudence to triumph over; and if we accomplish that, we are

perfect; but if the malignity of our tempers prevail, we sink to the

lowest abyss of infamy, shame, and disgrace. This laid the foundation of

that doctrine of _Rome_, called Purgatory; and their ignorance, joined

to their insatiable avarice, improved it to what at present you find it.

Here is one duke of _Buckingham_, perpetually conferring with the

_Spanish_ ministers; the other as busy in finding out the mighty secrets

of impertinent curiosities; here’s _Mazarine_ supplanting the liberty of

_Europe_, and _Cromwell_ that of _England_. _Shaftsbury_ is pushing on

_Monmouth_, and he is stiled king by one of his own footmen only;

_Dryden_ is every minute at _Homer_’s heels, or pulling _Virgil_ by the

sleeve, importuning _Horace_, or making friends to _Ovid_: but _Cowley_,

with a serenity of mind that constitutes his felicity, quietly passes

along the _Elysian_ plains, disturbing no body, and undisturb’d of all,

_Milton_ his companion, and himself his happiness. The less considerable

fry of wits are just as contentious here, as at _Covent Garden_; as

noisy, and as ill-natur’d; every man in particular arrogating all to

himself, and allowing nothing to others. The dispute rose so high, and

the uproar continued so long, that _Pluto_ commanded a squadron of his

life-guard, with _Juvenal_ at their head, to force them out of the

laurel-grove, and lock it up till matters should be adjusted by

_Apollo_, to whom he detach’d _Lucan_ and _Lee_ (as being the best

skill’d in flying) with his complaints; they are returned with a

proclamation, which for its novelty I will trouble you with; not but

that I think it might not improperly have been made on the other side of

_Parnassus_, unless matters are strangely mended since I left you.

We _Apollo_, by the Grace of _Jupiter_, Emperor of _Parnassus_,

King of Poetry, Sovereign Prince of Letters,

Duke of the _Muses_, Marquis of Light, and Earl of the

Four Seasons, _&c._ to all our Trusty and well Beloved

Explorers of Nature, and Cherishers of Learning,

Greeting.

_Whereas we are inform’d to our ineffable displeasure, grief,

sorrow and concern, that many fewds, jars, quarrels, animosities,

and heart-burns are ever and anon kindled, stirr’d up, and fomented

among the elder brothers of_ Helicon, _as well as the multitude of

vain pretenders to bayes and immortality, in so much, that your

bickerings, clamours, noise and disturbances, are of intolerable

inconveniency to the good and just; and an unhappy suspension of

the serenity of their minds, as well as so many perturbations and

infractions of the peace of our uncle king_ Pluto’_s dominions:

wherefore it is our royal will and pleasure, that these notorious

misdemeanours be forthwith remedied; promising upon our royal word,

that justice shall be duly executed to every body; and all men of

real merit and worth, lovers of wisdom and learning, of what nation

or sort soever, shall in their respective classes of virtue and

excellence, be registred in the glorious volumes of fame, to be

kept eternally in the_ Delphic _library: In pursuance whereof, we

do hereby earnestly require and injoin our beloved sisters the

Muses, to hold a court of claims in the principality of_ Delos,

_where we shall give our royal attendance so often as the fatigues

of our laborious course will permit us, to examine all capacities,

claims, titles, and pretensions whatever: and to avoid all lets,

troubles, hinderances, molestations, and interruptions that

possibly we can: we do farthermore hereby strictly prohibit and

forbid, upon pain of our highest displeasure, and a hundred years

interdiction from the laurel-grove, all sonneteers, songsters,

satyrists, panegyrists, madrigallers, and such like impediments of_

Parnassus, _to make any pretensions whatever to reputation and

immortality; till such time as the more laborious and industrious

investigators of nature are regulated and dispatch’d_.

Given at our High Court of _Helicon_, this 47th Century,

from our Conquest of _Python_.

At present the versifyers are much humbled, for the laurel-grove is

their chiefest delight; ’tis their park, their playhouse, their

assembly. I find all the vices of the mind are common here, as in

your superiour regions: separating from the clay has only taken

from us the means of whoring and drinking, but the mind retains

still the wicked propensity. I considered not the pressing number

of your affairs, and that I hazard your ill-will by detaining you

so long from the publick: give me leave only to desire the favour

of you, when your servant goes through _Chancery-lane_, to put up a

cargo of the _spread-eagle_ pudding for our very good friend

counsellor _Wallop_, for he is inconsolable: twenty of the best

cooks, nay, Mr. _Lamb_ himself can’t make one to please him. Live

in health, I know you cannot learn.

_Mr._ PRIOR_’s Answer_.

_Worthy Sir_,

I was not wanting in my wishes to preserve that esteem you honoured

me with, or to give you fresher instances of it; but since your

stars summoned you on the other side of the black water, and I did

not know whither to address myself exactly to you, I was obliged to

suspend my writing till such time as I received your’s. I am

heartily glad the two crowns are agreed to permit a pacquet to go

between them; and as for our friend the counsellor, I never shall

be dilatory in serving him to the utmost of my abilities, and never

shall call to mind but with veneration and wonder, his most heroick

conduct and magnanimity in pudding-fighting. He sequester’d himself

from flesh and blood very opportunely, and with a prudence that

always accompanied him in the minutest of his actions; for sugars

and fruits are risen already, and, in all probability, will

continue to bear a good price, since _Portugal_ has deserted us; so

I dare not pretend to be positive that the cargo I send will be as

delicious as formerly, tho’ its novelty may make amends for some

time, for small cheats in that profession. Honest _John_ the

faithful companion of your wanton hours, was very much rejoiced to

hear from you, and would needs take a leap after you, maugre all I

could say to him: with this trusty servant I have sent you what you

desired, and that I might be certain of its not miscarrying any

where upon the road, I tuck’d friend _John_ up with it, and so

dispatch’d him presently. I was in hopes to have heard from more of

our merry companions, or of them at least: how does _Rochester_

behave himself with his old gang? is Sir _George_ as facetious as

ever? is my lady still that formal creature as when in our

hemisphere? has she the benefit of cards and a tea-table? how did

my lord _Jefferies_ receive his son? and with what constancy did

her grace hear Sir _John Germain_ was married? I was in hopes you

might have met with some of these in your peregrination, not that I

suppose you can see those vast dominions of _Pluto_’s but in a

proportionable time to the variety of subjects, as well as the

mightiness of their extent.

We have nothing new here, because we are under the sun. Wise men

keep company with one another; fools write and fools read; the

booksellers have the advantage, provided they don’t trust; some

pragmatical fellows set up for politicians; others think they have

merit because they have money. Cheats prosper, drunkenness is a

little rebuked in the pulpit, but as rife as ever in all other

places; people marry that don’t love one the other, and your old

mistress _Melisinda_ goes to church constantly, prays devoutly,

sings psalms gravely, hears sermons attentively, receives the

sacrament monthly, lies with her footman nightly, and rails against

lewdness and hypocrisy from morning till night.

The rest of particulars I leave for honest _John_ to recount to

you; my other affairs oblige me to take my leave of you; expecting

some particulars about what I mentioned myself.

_Yours_, &c.

POMIGNY _of_ Auvergne, _to Mr._ ABEL _of_ London, _Singing-Master_.

_SIR_,

The sons and daughters of harmony that crowd in daily upon these coasts

surprise us equally with your capacities and misfortunes. We are

generally of the opinion here, that the muses are as well receiv’d in

_England_, as in any other climate whatever. Men are charm’d there at so

small an expence of wit or performance, that, one of your endowments

might well have hop’d to outrival my felicity, and be something more

exalted than to the embraces of a queen. My parentage was as little

remarkable in _France_, as yours in _England_; and though I had better

luck, durst not pretend I had a better voice. From a singing-boy, I

push’d my fortune so as to succeed my own sovereign. From the choir I

rose to the chamber; from the chamber I was preferr’d to the closet; and

from thence was advanc’d to be vice-roy over all the territories of

love: I was lord high-chamberlain to _Cupid_, and comptroller of the

houshold to _Venus_. Every delectation superseded my very wishes; nor

cou’d I have ask’d for the thousandth part of the blandishments I

enjoy’d. I was as absolute in my love as the grand seignior: ’twas for

my dear sake the fond princess rais’d her maids of honour’s beds, that

she might not hurt her back (as she had frequently done) in creeping

under to fetch me out. ’Twas for my dear sake, that if they but nam’d my

name when absent, in the raptures of her impatience, she run against the

doors, threw down the screens; hurt her face against the mantle-trees

and cabinets. She broke at times as much in looking-glasses, stands, and

china, in the eager transports of her joy to meet me coming into the

room, as by computation, wou’d have fitted out a fleet of fifty sail of

capital ships. These were princely rewards for a man’s poor endeavours

to please: who would not bring up their children in a choir? or who

would not learn to sing? you have met, I must confess, Sir, with but

small encouragement in the main, and made but a slender fortune in

comparison of what might have been reasonably expected from your

talents: the most civiliz’d quarter of the world has been your audience,

and admirer; and you have left every where a name, that cannot die but

with musick, and that will survive even nature; for in the numerous

cracklings of the last conflagration, there will be, as it were, a noble

symphony, that she may cease to be in proportion, and what is her

apothesis, will draw the curtain to a new creation. But that enlargement

of our knowledge, which is the necessity of our spiritualization, shows

me there is a malevolency in the influences of your stars, that will

ever dash your rising hopes, and oppose your fortune. You cannot but

have heard how _Alexander the Great_ very generously distributed all the

spoils to his soldiers, and contented himself with glory for his

dividend. Thus your consolation must be, whenever the fickle goddess

frowns upon you; that noble resolution of being above contempt, shows a

magnanimity of mind equal to the greatest philosopher. But virtue is

very often unfortunate, nay, sometimes oppress’d.

Here are some devilish, ignorant, censorious, lying people, that will

maintain, you were so impertinent as to give a gentleman, the trouble of

cudgelling you, and there are many here whose wicked tempers are

improv’d by the conversation of the place, as rogues by being in

_Newgate_, and those give credit to the aspersions; but the tribe of

_Helicon_ endeavour your justification, for he that cou’d charm the king

of _Poland_’s bears with the warbling accents of his mellifluous tongue,

might with the same harmony have mov’d the sturdy oak, and that is as

heavy as a hundred canes. ’Twas the glory of _Arion_, that the stones

danced after his lyre; and as long as there are poets it will be said,

that _Orpheus_ drew the tigers and the trees, to listen to his trembling

lays. May you not justly expect a place in the volumes of immortality,

since it may be all said literally true of you, that was but a fable of

these darlings of our forefathers? no matter if some people put an ill

construction on it, the best actions of our lives are subject to be

traduc’d.---- Here was a dear joy of quality suffer’d the discipline of

the place for stealing the diamond ring from you, that the king of

_France_ gave you at _Fountainbleau_: to mitigate the blackness of the

fact, he alledg’d the necessitousness of his condition, and that it was

pity so many gallant men should want for their loyalty, while a

jackanapes cou’d get an estate for a song. At this, _Rhadamanthus_

order’d him a hundred stripes more for his pride in affecting a

character his own confession had so far derogated from. There are some

considerable stars that rise in _Bavaria_, whose influences are

inauspicious to you; for, among friends, ’twas no better than robbing

him to run away with his money, and especially before you had done any

thing for it. However, this may be your consolation, that the duke can’t

say you cheated him to some tune. Here is a consort of musick composing

against the king of _France_ makes his entrance: out of gratitude to his

generosity, you ought to make one of ’em; I can get you a lodging near

_Cerberus_’s apartment; ’twill be convenient for you to confer notes

together for he is much the deepest base of any here.

If your leisure will permit, I should be glad of some news from the

favourites of _Parnassus_: I am continually at the chocolate house in

the _Sulphurstreet_. I shall look upon the obligation in _Ala-mi-re_ in

_Alt_.

_Mr._ ABEL’_s Answer_.

_SIR_,

If the advice be seasonable, ’tis no great matter from whence it comes;

though ’tis not what one wou’d readily expect from a person of your

climate; but that too renders the obligation so much the more binding. I

was not so well acquainted with the ancient intrigues of the _French_

court as to call your name to remembrance, but by the delicious

expression of your wanton delights, I presum’d you might have been a

_Mahometan_ eunuch, because you seem’d to describe their paradice in

part; what cou’d I tell whether more of that felicity came to your share

or not? I met _Aben-Ezra_ the _Jew_, but he knew nothing of you; at last

a _French_ refugee set me right. When I consider your private history I

am amaz’d at your raptures, and that you could be so void of common

reason, more especially after you had been so long spiritualiz’d, which

you tell me, enlarges the understanding, as to set a value upon your

self for raking a kennel, only because it belonged to court. To have

charm’d a person of an exalted extraction, as I did, and to bring her to

be the loving wife of my bosom, was vanity without infamy. But your

captive queen was a queen of sluts, equally the infamy of her own sex,

as you were the contempt of ours. ’Twas very pathetically said of her by

her brother, when he gave her in marriage to the king of _Navarre, that

he did not give his_ Peggy _in marriage to the king of_ Navarre _alone,

but to all the_ Hugonots _of his kingdom_, and if he had said, all the

_Roman Catholicks_ too, it had hardly been an hyperbole. For ever since

she was nine years old, she never deny’d any thing that was a man; no,

not so much as her own brother. She had so great an inclination to be

obliging, that she would not refuse even old age, and did not condemn

even the blackest scullion-boy of her kitchin: she was the refuse of a

hundred thousand several men’s embraces before she took up with you. So

that I see no such mighty ground for your vanity and ostentation: and if

there were not other more beneficial expectations from the choir, I

should advise but very few to follow it: not but that a fair friend in

the _Palace-yard_, a kind friend in _Charles-street_, or a pretty

intimate acquaintance near the _Bowling-Alley_, may help to pass away

some leisure hours when the _Abbey_ is lock’d up; however that is not

sufficient to tempt a man to _C-fa-ut_ it all ones life-time.

I ever found an inbred aversion to _Ireland_, and your news gives me

more convincing reasons why I should not affect ’em: for to be stripp’d

by some, and stripp’d by others, would of itself give a man an

unfavourable Impression of such people. As for the freedom you take in

diverting yourself at my expence, I easily pass it by: but your

censoriousness scandalizes me, when so many very deserving persons of

all ranks, sexes and qualities, as are my good friends and benefactors,

are made the subject of your raillery. I do not want to be spiritualis’d

to see thro’ your banter, when you make me even superior to _Orpheus_

and _Arion_; I smell what you wou’d be at, by being follow’d by tigers,

blocks and stones: but it is lucky enough for you, that you are out of

their reach: as for the article of _Bavaria_, I can say but little to it

more than I thought the time was come, when the _Israelites_ should

spoil the _Egyptians_. You have such continual couriers from these

parts, that you cannot be long ignorant of the minutest springs by which

all affairs are kept in motion. To me they seem everywhere to be at much

the same rate, like a horse in a mill, ’tis no matter who drives him. I

thank you for your kind offer, in providing me lodgings; but I have so

many of my friends gone there of late, that I shall unwillingly be from

them: however, I shall always study to improve your good opinion, and

continue theirs. If any accident calls me to your parts about that time,

I shall gladly assist at the king of _France_’s entry; for doubtless it

will be done with a most noble solemnity, and every way answerable to

the character of such a monarch. But as time is more precious here than

in your country, I must beg you to excuse me, for I am just sent for to

the tavern. _Adieu._

_Seignior_ NICHOLA _to Mr._ BUCKLY, _at the_ Swan _Coffee-House near_

Bloomsbury.

It is impossible to suffer it any longer! what, my diviner airs made the

sordid entertainment of sordid footmen, scoundrel fellows, and I know

not what for ragamuffins! must those seraphic lays, that have so often

been the delight of muses, the joy of princes, the rapture of the fair

sex, the treasures of the judicious, must these be thrumm’d over to

blaspheming rascals, smoaking sots, noisy boobies, and such nefarious

mechanicks! oh, prophane!---- they shall have my sonatas, that they

shall with a horse-pox to them. Can’t their _Darby_ go down but with a

tune, nor their tobacco smoak, without the harmony of a _Cremona_

fiddle? if they can’t be merry without musick, provide them a good key,

and a pair of wrought tongs. One of their own jigs is diverting enough

for their heavy capacities; whence comes it that the sons of art, and

the brothers of rosin and cat-gut, can demean themselves so poorly to

play before them? since when have the daughters of _Helicon_ frequented

ale-houses? must the sacred streams of our _Aganiope_, pay homage to the

_Darwent_, and wash tankards and glasses? sure you think _Pegasus_ a

jade, and are looking out for a chap for him: who can come up to his

price there? his beauties are too sublime for the groom, and his master

had rather have a strong horse for his coach: none of them alas can tilt

the fiery courser. What a strange medley do you make! wit, musick,

noise, nonsense, smoak, spawl, _Darby_-ale, and brandy: nay your rage

and indiscretion goes farther yet; folly and madness seem to be

contagious, and you jar among yourselves? the brothers of symphony

quarrel, and turn the banquetting-house of the _Thessalian_ ladies into

a bear-garden, those active joints that so nicely touch’d my notes, are

now barbarously levell’d at each other’s eyes; the powerful off-spring

of my harmonious conceptions, is miserably torn to pieces betwixt them;

and what would have charm’d all mankind, is dishonourably employ’d to

the lighting of pipes and cleaning of tables. If you will set up for

celebrating the orgies of the juicy god, let your instruments be all

chosen accordingly, your airs correspondent to the audience; but make me

no more the contempt and derision of your debauch’d meetings: for the

commendation of fools is more wounding than the reprimands of the

ingenious. At best, it is prostituting me to bring them into my company.

If you put not some sudden order to these ignominious proceedings, I

will dispatch an imp to sowre your ale, consume your cordials, spill

your tobacco, break your glasses, and cut all your equipage of harmony

into ten thousand millions of bits; nay I will prosecute my revenge so

far, that even in the play-house your hand shall shake, your ear shall

judge wrong, your strings crack, and every disappointment that may

render you ridiculous, shall attend you in all publick meetings

where-ever you pretend to play. So be wise and be warn’d: play to lovers

and judges of musick, draw drink to sots and neighbours.

IGNATIUS LOYOLA _to the Archbishop of_ Toledo.

Your eminency’s remissness in the late affairs of the _Spanish_

territories, has made my scorpion’s stink deeper than heretofore, and

superadded a new blackness to the horrors of my rage and despair. Those

painful machinations, who took their birth from hell itself, and by my

industry and application had so glorious a prospect of bridling all

mankind, wherever the _Romish_ doctrine triumph’d at least, are now by

that long continued series of an unhappy supineness in your

predecessors, or the powerful influences of _French_ gold, reduc’d to

almost nothing. The thunderbolts of the inquisition rattled more

dreadfully than those of the _Vatican_; and after emperors had subjected

themselves to the successors of St. _Peter_, we found out means to

subject him to our censures, and by this made our selves superior to

supreme. The mildness of your executions, and the rarity of ’em have

substracted wonderfully from their reputation, and from my designs.

Your excellency can’t say but I lay down very sufficient groundworks for

the rendering my orders as lasting as religion, if not as lasting as

time. More than _Europe_ has felt the efficacy of my instructions; and

where-ever my disciples have been sent they have brought us home souls

and bodies, credit and estates.

What society can vie with us for extent of temporal concerns? what

provinces are not in a great measure ours? we have the guardianship of

the consciences of most of the considerable crown’d heads, and few

affairs of importance are transacted any where but with our privity. I

have not met with any one person in these kingdoms that has been of note

and quality, that came here with a pass-port from the holy inquisition;

now and then a rascally _Jew_ or so, comes here blaspheming your power

and prudence; and is so angry that he will not show it at hell-gates; as

if he apprehended a double damnation from our character.

Your excellency can’t but be sensible how great sufferers we have been

by the substracting of the _Gallican_ church from the lash of our

authority; and it was no small amputation we suffered in the _Spanish

Netherlands_, by the improvident proceeding of that rash commander the

duke of _Alva_: If now you submit thus quietly to the administration of

_France_, I cannot but apprehend an universal extention of that powerful

and profitable institution. Next to my own society, I look upon it to be

the basis of the _Romish_ monarchy, and undoubtedly of your own, and of

the _Austrian_ greatness. How are your liberties trampled upon by a

child, and all your dons led captives to _Versailles_? Where is the

antient valour and obstinacy of the _Moorish_ blood? Where are the

poisons and the poniards so frequent in _Madrid_? Is _Spain_ brought so

low that she has not resolution enough for one feeble effort, to save

herself from infamy and ruin? Your arms were always unsuccessful against

the _English_ nation; the greatness of your misery points out still the

memorable, the very deplorable overthrow in eighty eight: There is a

queen again upon that crown, willing and able to protect you as well as

others, and it may be in rubricks of fate, that as one queen brought

down the pride of the haughty _Spaniards_, so the other shall humble

_France_ as much, even when it is in its most tow’ring glory. But

whatever be the destiny of _France_, you ought to look after yourselves,

and not by an untimely accession of your powers to that of so formidable

a monarch, intangle yourselves in an inextricable ruin, by so much the

more unpardonable as you might easily have prevented it. Shew the world

then that a _French_ lion can’t thrive in a _Spanish_ soil, and dart

forth the lightning of the inquisition against all that adhere to the

_Gallic_ interest and connive at the ruin of the _Spanish_ grandeur.

Exert yourself and swim hither in a sea of blood, and may your cruelties

succeed.

_Alderman_ FLOYER _to Sir_ HUMPHERY EDWIN.

I ever had an infinite value for your friendship, and as every letter is

a fresh mark of it, I have in every one new matter of satisfaction; yet

I could not read your last without equal surprize and concern; and if I

did not positively believe your integrity, as I am acquainted with your

capacity, I should be at a loss what construction to put upon it: for

all _Europe_ has been deaf for I know not how many years, with more and

more accounts how your kings grew upon their people, and we ever look’d

upon the _English_ as very jealous of their privileges. I need not tell

you how odious your two last kings were to us of these parts; nay, and

all _Germany_ too, papist and protestant; for instead of holding the

balance between _France_, _Spain_ and the _Empire_, as the situation of

your country, and its mighty power by sea made ’em capable of doing, and

the character of guarantees for the peace of _Nimeguen_, and the truce

for twenty years oblig’d ’em to it; their siding with _France_,

notwithstanding all the endeavours of foreign ministers to the contrary,

and their own real interest too, may be justly said to have laid the

foundation of all those calamities that the arms and intrigues of

_France_, have since that time brought upon _Europe_. But tho’ we had so

many reasons to be dissatisfied with the proceedings of king _Charles_

II. and king _James_ too, yet we never diminish’d any thing of our good

will we bore the _English_ nation; because we cou’d not but believe they

were as far from approving those transactions as we were, and repin’d

as much as we did at the growing grandeur of the _French_ monarch. The

clandestine measures both those kings took to enslave their subjects to

the power of _France_, and the _Romish_ religion, was as good a

demonstration of a natural enmity between those two sorts of people. His

present majesty’s descent was concerted with most of the princes of the

empire after it was so earnestly propos’d to him, and almost press’d

upon him by the very best of your nation. The friendship between the two

crowns was no longer a secret, tho’ the _English_ envoy at the _Hague_

deny’d it positively when I was there: This was more than an umbrage to

the discerning part of your kingdom, and what the very commonality could

not think on without terrible apprehensions: and all of us here in like

manner look’d upon this enterprize as a thing on which depended the

safety or ruin of the whole protestant affairs of _Europe_.

I cannot comprehend what unlucky planet rules over you! that any one

person should be dissatisfy’d, is prodigious to me. You are freed from

all those oppressions, whose probability alone having made no small part

of your misery. You were very uneasy under the administration of king

_James_, and now you are deliver’d, you murmur! you know his royal

highness was so unwilling to embark himself in this affair, tho’ his

interest and his honour were very much concern’d at it, that he did not

yield but to the iterated solicitations of your countrymen, join’d with

full assurance that they would stand by him with their lives and

fortunes. You must pardon the freedom of my expression, if I assure you,

that this ungrateful false step lessens my value for the _English_

nation: for after having made such terrible complaints of their miseries

and injuries, and fill’d _Europe_ with their tears and lamentations,

implor’d a neighbouring prince to come to their rescue, at a season of

the year that wou’d have quell’d the greatest courage that ever was, if

it had not been supported with charity; and add to this, the unavoidable

necessity of so vast an expence, as would have sunk some princes

fortunes, now they are happily settled in their affairs at home, have

glorious armies abroad, and that king at their head, who has so justly

merited that title of _Defender of the Faith_, whose prudence and

vigilancy has corroborated their native force with so many powerful

allies; that these people should be so little sensible of their own

felicity, as to murmur and be discontented, is to me a paradox, but I am

sure unpardonable. The knowledge I have of the _English_ genius, makes

me believe there are but a few malecontents, and tho’ they call

themselves protestants, ’tis only to bring an odium upon those that

really are, by such perverse measures. I hope ’tis only your fears for

your country, which proceed from your love of it, that multiplies these

disagreeable objects. You have a protestant prince, on a protestant

throne, liberty of conscience, and even the _Roman Catholicks_, that

were always plotting against the government, are permitted so much

freedom under it, that they would be mad if they were out of it.

Look back to the desolations in _France_, and to the storm you are

deliver’d from, and see if you can ever thank God enough for your

deliverance.

_Sir_ JOHN NORRIS _Commander in Chief of Her Majesty Queen_

ELIZABETH’_s Land-Forces against the_ Spaniard, _to Sir_ HENRY

BELLASIS _and Sir_ CHARLES HARA.

_Gentlemen_,

We had no sooner intelligence of your designs, but we gave the

_Spaniards_ over for lost: the path has been so gallantly beaten to your

hands, and your enemies hardly recruited their former losses in our

glorious times, if they cou’d have forgot from whose hands they

sustain’d ’em. If I may remind you without vanity, as I do it without a

lie, I took the lower town of the _Groyn_, I plunder’d all the villages

round about it, and by the gallantry of the _English_ cut the

_Spaniards_ to pieces for three miles together. But these were profess’d

enemies that had attempted upon our state, and by their formidable

preparations, threatned no less than our entire ruin. However, in all

the licentiousness of a conquering sword, we ravish’d no nuns; and it

had been justifiable if we had done it. We took the city of _St.

Joseph_, and tho’ there was not found one single piece of coin’d money

in it (which is a very exasperating disappointment to soldiers you know)

yet we forc’d no nunneries. Had you two, gentlemen, been there, I

presume you wou’d have eaten the children alive for mere madness and

vexation, after you had gratify’d your more unpardonable brutish lusts

upon the monasteries. Distressed damsels were heretofore the general

cause for which the heroes drew their swords: as their sex made them the

objects of our desires, so when their weakness was forc’d upon, they

became doubly the subjects of our quarrels, and by so just a claim, that

nothing but the very reproach of mankind refus’d it ’em. Your case, as I

take it (gentlemen) is far different from that, where positive orders

give licence; nay, an insurrection itself, and to lay all waste before

you; to ransack the churches, and ravish the women, to burn the houses,

and brain the sucking children; these are political rigors, that by a

present shedding of blood, saves the lives of many thousands afterwards:

this putting all to the sword, intimidates small towns for making feeble

efforts for an impossible defence; which by losing some time, and some

few men’s lives only, enrages the conquerer at last, to use the same

severity with them too, to punish their obstinacy. These are bloody

maxims of war, but necessary sometimes, therefore lawful. But you

(gentlemen) had not the least shadow of pretence for your lust or your

avarice: if these are the insolent effects of your friendship, I fear no

body will admit of your alliances, much less court them. Friendship

betray’d, is the blackest crime that is, and what so far degrades a

gentleman from the character of honour, that miracles of bravery in

sieges afterwards wou’d never wear out the blot: but as if you had

resolved to make yourselves odious, by making the fact more infamous,

they must be nuns too, forsooth, that must be constrained to your

libidinous authority. Your sacrilegious covetousness might have met with

a shadow of excuse, if your intemperance had proceeded no farther: and

indeed they must have a great deal of wit as well as goodness, that can

invent any thing like a reason to mitigate the abomination of it. You,

old commanders, you, old covetous lechers, the bane of an army, the

reproach of the best general, and of the most glorious princess. What

laurels have your lust and rapines torn from _O_----’s brows? What

honours from your _English_ arms? And what vast advantages from your own

sovereign? Had not your impious carriage made implacable enemies of

those that were not quite resolved to continue long so at all, this

summer had rais’d your princess to that pinnacle of renown and grandeur,

that none ever surpass’d, and but few ever came up to besides our

illustrious queen, of whom no man can say too much; therefore of you,

gentlemen, none can say too ill. A design so deeply laid, so cautiously

manag’d, so long conceal’d, so wisely concerted, cou’d not possibly miss

of a happy event, if your impious indignities had not constrained heaven

to blast the undertaking, to shew it was just; thus the army perished

for _David_’s having numbred the people: you went to free ’em from a

foreign dominion, to settle the right of government in the right person,

to prevent innovations, and relieve the oppress’d; in a word, to do

justice to every subject. Oh, the plausible pretext! the noble reasons

for so chargeable an expedition! yet no sooner has the justice of the

cause in general crown’d your attempts with success, but your particular

outrages pull down vengeance, and raise yourselves enemies even out of

the dust; the consciousness of your wickedness blunts the edge of your

swords, and adds new life and vigour to those whom your courage and

generosity had almost vanquish’d before. Sir _Walter Rawleigh_, my

worthy companion of arms, refused two millions of ducats, and burnt the

merchants ships at _Port Royal_, because that was his errand, and he was

as just as he was brave. Had you two but commanded there (gentlemen) the

_Spanish_ merchants had not need have made so large an offer: half the

money and ten young nuns a-piece, and you had betray’d your country.

However, we question not but in a little time, or by the next packet at

least, to hear that justice is executed upon you both to absolve the

nation, and atone for so abominable and unpardonable, so nefarious and

ungentlemen-like an action. You will find a place on the other side of

our river, that will cool your courage, by way of antiperistasis, with

wond’rous heat.

_Don_ ALPHONSO PEREZ _de_ GUSMAN, _Duke of_ Medina Sidonia,

_Admiral of the invincible_ Armada, _to Monsieur_ CHATEAU-RENAULT,

_at_ Rodondello.

Why this mighty concern for what cannot be avoided? Why this chagrin?

Why this _mal au cœur_? You might have fancied yourself invincible, you

might have got a sanctified pass from his holiness, it would still have

had the same catastrophe. The _English_ are hereticks, man, they value

none of these evangelical charms of a rush; their bullets have no

consideration in the world for a relique, nor their small-shot for a

chaplet. Besides, they are so well acquainted with our seas, their own

channel is hardly more familiar to them. This is but the old grudge of

88, when queen _Elizabeth_ thump’d us so about: considering all things,

I think you are come off very well. What signifies a few paultry hulks?

The plate we are sure you had prudently carried over the mountains in

1500 carts at least, an undertaking as little dream’d of, and as much

surprizing, as prince _Eugene_’s passing the _Alps_; but with this

plaguy unlucky disadvantage, that it may not be quite so true. Now and

then in my more reserved speculations, I stumbled upon that same

_Drake_, that burn’d about 100 of our ships at _Cadiz_; upon my honour I

can’t forgive him, and yet can’t blame him neither. But those two

galeons that were so richly laden, stick in my stomach most

confoundedly. No wonder our affairs prosper no better, for those same

hereticks have taken away several of our saints; that same _Drake_ I

mentioned just now, he run away with _St. Philip_. Besides this, these

_English_ water-dogs swam after us into _Cadiz_, and went to _Pointal_,

and there firk’d us so about the pig-market, that we were even glad to

save our bacon, and fire some of our ships, and run the others on

ground; there too, after burning the admiral, these unsanctifyed ranters

stole away, not sneakingly, but with an open hand, and main force, two

most glorious saints more, St. _Matthew_ and St. _Andrew_. There was

another too of those _English_ bully-rocks, Sir _Walter Rawleigh_, with

a pox to him, he serv’d us a slippery trick indeed, for he took away

the mother of God, and God knows she was worth one hundred and fifty

thousand pounds sterling, not reckoning the other smaller craft that

went with him only to bear her company. There is something in our

destinies that gives them an ascendant over us; and a brave man scorns

to buckle to fortune. You may live to be beaten again as I was, and poor

_Alphonso de Leva_, nay, honest _Recalde_, he was cursedly maul’d too

with his rear squadron; and to add to my misfortunes, I was a little

while after drubb’d again by them, I thought they never would have done

dancing round me for my part: but what consummated my disgrace, and

still leaves the deepest impression on my spirits, is the burning my

fleet at _Calais_; there I must own it sincerely to you, I was somewhat

astonished: I thought _Vesuvius_ had been floating upon the water, or

mount _Ætna_ had out of kindness come to light me thro’ the north

passage home: but this was a hellish invention of those _Englishmen_ to

set my ships on fire, and destroy us all.

Now this similitude of our destinies having endeared you to me, I

thought my comparing our notes together might mitigate part of your

affliction. Nay, thus far we are again alike in the frowns of insulting

fortune, that they will make new medals with the old inscription, _dux

fœmina facti_. Indeed you must give me leave, Sir, to be a little free

with you, that is, to tell you for ought I know, providence may have

ordered it so, to shew that the wisdom of man is really but a chimera,

and as _Spain_, when in the highest exaltation of its glory, with a vast

fleet that was three years equipping, and consisted of no less than 130

sail of ships, enough to have forc’d her way thro’ the universe; yet

with all this preparation, a single woman, embroil’d in her state at

home, not only made head against us, but even quite destroy’d us;

insomuch, that the kingdom of _Spain_ was never fully able to recover

the vast expence of this fleet, and the continued losses that attended

its being beaten: in like manner, Sir, what know we but that the kingdom

of _France_, being now even at the summit of glory, and by the accession

of the _Spanish_ interest, so entirely at his own devotion, may not see

all his laurels torn from his brows by a queen, and to the dishonour of

the _Salic_ law, make the greatest of all its monarchs truckle to a

woman, whom they thought incapable of reigning. I don’t say this will be

certainly so, but examining all occurrences hitherto, it looks but

scurvily upon the _Spanish_ and _French_ side. For _France_ was never so

many times, and so considerably defeated since he sat upon the throne,

and that too both by sea and land. Indeed the _English_ in these parts

grow very pragmatical upon it, and at every turn call for _a son of a

whore of a_ Spaniard _to make snuff of_. Cardinal _Granvil_, that was

the ablest head-piece of his time, avers it so positively, that I dare

not aim at a contradiction; and his opinion is, That the _English_, who

are naturally good when they are yielded to, and only obstinate and

angry when they are oppos’d, will ever be happily governed by a queen;

and he assigns this for a reason, that the monarchy of _England_ having

a great alloy of a republick, they are more jealous of their warlike

princes than of their weak ones, and least they should happen to give a

daring prince an unhappy opportunity of treading upon their necks, if

they should stoop any thing low, they will always in parliament keep him

at some distance; but as a woman cannot pretend to guide the reins of

empire by a strong hand, they must do it by a wise head; therefore not

trusting so much to her own judgment, as hot-headed man does, she does

nothing without the advice of her council; and that is a small

parliament, as a parliament is a grand national council, and this method

of government suits best with the _English_ temper: from whence I

conclude, that _England_ never was in so fair a prospect of doing

herself justice, and asserting her rights, since that miracle of a woman

queen _Elizabeth_, as it is at this juncture. For so glorious and

triumphant beginnings open all her subjects hearts, and their coffers

with them, which cannot tend but to our ruin and shame. Make haste

hither, and get out of the confusion that you cannot long defer.

MARCELLINUS _to Mons._ BOILEAU.

_Nay, this is beyond the possibility of patience! and tho’ there is much

due to the character of princes, yet there is more to ourselves and

truth; and I cannot without the highest injustice and ingratitude

possible, but remind you of some of the actions of your idol monarch,

which with so much reason dispute with each other, which was the most

enormous and tyrannical. I only endeavour’d to make_ Julian _the

apostate, pass upon posterity for a hero, and you call me an insolent

brazen-fac’d rascally flatterer. If I exceeded the exactness of an

historian, it was because in that treatise I set up for a courtier, and

sincerity in such people is of the most dangerous consequence

imaginable. If the emperor_ Julian _had been the first monster in

nature, that met with a willing pen to set his actions in a less

inglorious light than others expected, and naked truth required; yet I

am sure he is not the greatest. Your master has trac’d all the footsteps

of his cruelty and policy; for if he manag’d matters so swimmingly

between the catholicks and_ Arrians, _that he secur’d himself by their

divisions_, Loüis _has all along done the same: if he countenanced the_

Jews, Loüis _supported the_ Turks, _if he destroyed the christians_,

Loüis _had done it in a much more barbarous and perfidious manner. If he

threw down the images of_ Christ _at_ Cæsarea Philippi, Loüis _has acted

the same in the front of the jesuits_[55] Church: _now since you have

dar’d to consecrate the reputation of your king, why so many bitter

invectives against me a petty_ Pagan, _for speaking in favour of my

master? you modern wits, that value your selves so much upon the having

refin’d our dross, have sunk as scandalously low in matters of flattery

as any of us. We are continually pestered here with disputes; and every

court rings with the different claims. The_ popes _send_ legates _hither

for their saints_, Pluto _won’t let one of them go, because they are

damned. Others will have it that their time is fulfilled in Purgatory,

therefore would be discharged: but the Devil knows better things,

Father_ Garnet _too, that execrable engine of the_ Powder-Plot _storms

and raves, but the horned gentlemen with cloven feet laugh at him, and

his canonization. Where was there ever so much innocent christian blood

shed as on_ Bartholomew_’s day at_ Paris? _and yet even that

unparalleled murder has been justified a thousand times by your church;

as if the accurateness of a man’s pen could make that pass for a virtue

which will be an everlasting and detestable blot_. Pelisson _is a man of

prodigious parts_, Boileau _the smoothest pen and noblest genius of his

time, because their prince is alive, and equally generous to reward

their flattery, as greedy to have it: but poor I, because I have been

dead one thousand four hundred years, and better, I am an idle rascally

fellow. But even at this distance I am no stranger to the transactions

of_ Versailles; _and since you have spit out so much of your blackest

venom against me and my hero, I shall take the freedom to call to mind

some of those very remarkable particulars which give so glorious a

lustre, as you call it, to your_ viro immortali. _His life has been one

continued series of rapines and murders, perjuries and desolations. For

tho’ the first disorders in_ Hungary, _were in some measure owing to the

injustices count_ Teckeley _received from the ministers of the empire,

yet it is undeniably true, that_ France _fomented the war, and

sollicited the_ Turk _to espouse_ Teckeley_’s quarrels, and promised to

assist him himself. The negotiations of the_ French _ambassadors at the

Port, the vast sums of money remitted to_ Teckeley, _and the endeavours

to disengage the king of_ Poland _and the duke of_ Bavaria _from the

interest of the empire; these things, Mons._ Boileau, _were not managed

with so much secrecy, but the more essential particulars are come to

many peoples knowledge. His other underhand dealings with several

princes and cities of_ Germany, _shewed his formidable army in_ Alsatia

_was not to succour the empire, but to seize on it. But the raising the

siege at_ Vienna _broke all their measures at_ Versailles, _and the king

of_ France, _confounded at his disappointment, vented his rage upon his

own subjects, and that part of them too that set the crown upon his

head, when the most considerable of the_ Roman Catholicks _abandon’d his

interest. The ravage he committed in the territories of the three

ecclesiastical electors, and in the_ Palatinate _at the same time,

shewed him rather the scourge of mankind, than the eldest son of the

church_.

_’Tis true, there never was any prince but had his flatterers: but you_

French _have been guilty of the grossest to the present king of_ France,

_that ever were recorded. My_ Julian _would have blush’d, or rather

trembled, at such blasphemous adulation_. Loüis _has been adored for his

mercy, and yet exceeded our_ Nero _in barbarity and bloodshed. Fire and

sword were mild executioners of his cruelty; for his impetuous lust of

mischief has been so fruitful in inventing torments, that he has made

all those forms of death desirable to his subjects that were the

reproach of tyrants: his ingenious malice has contrived exquisite pain,

without destroying the persons that suffer it; and if he could compel

man to be immortal, he would vie miseries with hell itself. He scorns

all the humble paths of_ Domitian_’s perfidiousness: such puny perjuries

are too mean for_ Loüis le Grand: _And since he could not possibly make

them greater in their nature, he aggravated them by their number. The

peace of the_ Pyreneans, _that of_ Aix la Chapelle, _that of_ Nimeguen,

_the truce for twenty years, the edict of_ Nants, _the treaty at_

Reswick, _are sufficient arguments, that he only promised that he might

not perform; and vow’d to observe treaties that he might have the

lechery of breaking them afterwards with a more execrable guilt. Your

servile flattery stiles him the restorer and preserver of the peace of_

Christendom, _yet he arm’d the Crescent against the Cross, and carried

desolation through every corner of_ Europe. _There is no prince but he

has invaded, no neighbour that he has not oppress’d, no law that he has

not violated, no religion that he has not trampled on, and shewed the

successors of St._ Peter, _that he had one sword sharper than both

theirs. His panegyrists have refined the impious wit of_ Commodus_’s

sycophants; and lest books should not transmit their blasphemies low

enough to posterity, they have raised superb monuments of his arrogancy

and their own shame. What statues, what pictures of him at_ Versailles,

Fountainbleau, Marly, _the_ Louvre, _the_ Invalides, Paris _gates, the_

Palace Royal, _&c. Where have I, Mons._ Boileau, _arm’d my_ Julian _with

a [56] thunderbolt? have I any thing equal to your_ viro immortali, _to

your_ divo Ludivico? _Why then am I such an infamous flatterer, such a

sneaking cringing rascal? I have nothing comparable to your fustian

bombast, nor to the hyperboles of_ Pelisson, _nor the impertinent titles

of every_ Frenchman _that sets pen to paper. I leave the world to judge,

if my hero has not a juster claim to all the eulogies I have given him,

ten thousand times preferable to_ Loüis le Grand, _and yet you have said

ten thousand times more of him_.

POSTSCRIPT.

_Just as I was dispatching this, a mail came in from_ Spain, _that gave

us an account of the king of_ France_’s having extended his dominions

over the plate-fleet; but whilst he was drinking_ Chateau-Renault_’s

health, some two or three merry_ English _boys run away with it all;

which has given_ Loüis _and his grandson such a fit of the cholick, that

they are not expected to live long under such terrible agonies:

whereupon the Devil has order’d a thousand chaldron of fresh brimstone

to air their apartments against they should come_.

CORNELIUS GALLUS _to the Lady_ DILLIANA _at_ BATH.