THE ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
Women, particularly women a little on the decline, are those who make
the reputation of a young man. When the lustre of their distinction
begins to fade, a slight feeling of less wonted leisure, perhaps a
little spite, makes them observe attentively those who surround them.
Eager to gain new admirers, they encourage the first steps of a
_debutant_ in the career of society, and exert themselves to fit him to
do honour to their patronage.
A young man, therefore, in entering the world, cannot be too attentive
to conciliate the goodwill of women. Their approbation and support will
serve him instead of a thousand good qualities. Their judgment
dispenses with fortune, talent, and even intelligence. “Les hommes font
les lois: les femmes font les reputations.”
The desire of pleasing is, of course, the basis of social connexion.
Persons who enter society with the intention of producing an effect,
and of being distinguished, however clever they may be, are never
agreeable. They are always tiresome, and often ridiculous. Persons, who
enter life with such pretensions, have no opportunity for improving
themselves and profiting by experience. They are not in a proper state
to _observe_: indeed, they look only for the effect which they produce,
and with that they are not often gratified. They thrust themselves into
all conversations, indulge in continual anecdotes, which are varied
only by dull disquisitions, listen to others with impatience and
heedlessness, and are angry that they seem to be attending to
themselves. Such men go through scenes of pleasure, enjoying nothing.
They are equally disagreeable to themselves and others. Young men
should, therefore, content themselves with being natural. Let them
present themselves with a modest assurance: let them observe, hear, and
examine, and before long they will rival their models.
The conversation of those women who are not the most lavishly supplied
with personal beauty, will be of the most advantage to the young
aspirant. Such persons have cultivated their manners and conversation
more than those who can rely upon their natural endowments. The absence
of pride and pretension has improved their good nature and their
affability. They are not too much occupied in contemplating their own
charms, to be disposed to indulge in gentle criticism on others. One
acquires from them an elegance in one’s manners as well as one’s
expressions. Their kindness pardons every error, and to instruct or
reprove, their acts are so delicate that the lesson which they give,
always without offending, is sure to be profitable, though it may be
often unperceived.
Women observe all the delicacies of propriety in manners, and all the
shades of impropriety, much better than men; not only because they
attend to them earlier and longer, but because their perceptions are
more refined than those of the other sex, who are habitually employed
about greater things. Women divine, rather than arrive at, proper
conclusions.
The whims and caprices of women in society should of course be
tolerated by men, who themselves require toleration for greater
inconveniences. But this must not be carried too far. There are certain
limits to empire which, if they themselves forget, should be pointed
out to them with delicacy and politeness. You should be the slave of
women, but not of all their fancies.
Compliment is the language of intercourse from men to women. But be
careful to avoid elaborate and common-place forms of gallant speech. Do
not strive to make those long eulogies on a woman, which have the
regularity and nice dependency of a proposition in Euclid, and might be
fittingly concluded by Q. E. D. Do not be always undervaluing her rival
in a woman’s presence, nor mistaking a woman’s daughter for her sister.
These antiquated and exploded attempts denote a person who has learned
the world more from books than men.
The quality which a young man should most affect in intercourse with
gentlemen, is a decent modesty: but he must avoid all bashfulness or
timidity. His flights must not go too far; but, so far as they go, let
them be marked by perfect assurance.
Among persons who are much your seniors behave with the utmost
respectful deference. As they find themselves sliding out of importance
they may be easily conciliated by a little respect.
By far the most important thing to be attended to, is ease of manner.
Grace may be added afterwards, or be omitted altogether: it is of much
less moment than is commonly believed. Perfect propriety and entire
ease are sufficient qualifications for standing in society, and
abundant prerequisites for distinction.
There is the most delicate shade of difference between civility and
intrusiveness, familiarity and common-place, pleasantry and sharpness,
the natural and the rude, gaiety and carelessness; hence the
inconveniences of society, and the errors of its members. To define
well in conduct these distinctions, is the great art of a man of the
world. It is easy to know what to do; the difficulty is to know what to
avoid.
Long usage—a sort of moral magnetism, a tact acquired by frequent and
long associating with others—alone give those qualities which keep one
always from error, and entitle him to the name of a thorough gentleman.
A young man upon first entering into society should select those
persons who are most celebrated for the propriety and elegance of their
manners. He should frequent their company and imitate their conduct.
There is a disposition inherent, in all, which has been noticed by
Horace and by Dr. Johnson, to imitate faults, because they are more
readily observed and more easily followed. There are, also, many
foibles of manner and many refinements of affectation, which sit
agreeably upon one man, which if adopted by another would become
unpleasant. There are even some excellences of deportment which would
not suit another whose character is different. For successful imitation
in anything, good sense is indispensable. It is requisite correctly to
appreciate the natural differences between your model and yourself, and
to introduce such modifications in the copy as may be consistent with
it.
Let not any man imagine, that he shall easily acquire these qualities
which will constitute him a gentleman. It is necessary not only to
exert the highest degree of art, but to attain also that higher
accomplishment of concealing art. The serene and elevated dignity which
mark that character, are the result of untiring and arduous effort.
After the sculpture has attained the shape of propriety, it remains to
smooth off all the marks of the chisel. “A gentleman,” says a
celebrated French author, “is one who has reflected deeply upon all the
obligations which belong to his station, and who has applied himself
ardently to fulfil them with grace.”
Polite without importunity, gallant without being offensive, attentive
to the comfort of all; employing a well-regulated kindness, witty at
the proper times, discreet, indulgent, generous, he exercises, in his
sphere, a high degree of moral authority; he it is, and he alone, that
one should imitate.