THE DRAWING-ROOM. COMPANY. CONVERSATION.
The grand object for which a gentleman exists, is to excel in company.
Conversation is the mean of his distinction,—the drawing-room the scene
of his glory.
When you enter a drawing-room, where there is a ball or a party, you
salute the lady of the house before speaking to any one else. Even your
most intimate friends are enveloped in an opaque atmosphere until you
have made your bow to your entertainer. We must take occasion here to
obelize a custom which prevails too generally in this country. The
company enter the back door of the back parlour, and the mistress of
the house is seated at the other extremity of the front parlour. It is
therefore necessary to traverse the length of two rooms in order to
reach her. A voyage of this kind is by no means an easy undertaking,
when there are Circes and Calypsos assailing one on every side; and
when one has reached the conclusion, one cannot perhaps distinguish the
object of one’s search at a _coup d’œil._ It would be in every point of
view more appropriate if the lady were to stand directly opposite to
the door of the back parlour. Such is the custom in the best companies
abroad. Upon a single gentleman entering at a late hour, it is not so
obligatory to speak first to the mistress of the ceremonies. He may be
allowed to converge his way up to her. When you leave a room before the
others, go without speaking to any one, and, if possible, unseen.
Never permit the sanctity of the drawing-room to be violated by a boot.
Fashionable society is divided into _sets_, in all of which there is
some peculiarity of manner, or some dominant tone of feeling. It is
necessary to study these peculiarities before entering the circle.
In each of these sets there is generally some _gentleman_, who rules,
and gives it its character, or, rather, who is not ruler, but the first
and most favoured subject, and the prime minister of the ladies’ will.
Him you must endeavour to imitate, taking care not to imitate him so
well as to excel him. To differ in manner or opinion from him is to
render yourself unfit for that circle. To speak disrespectfully of him
is to insult personally every lady who composes it.
In company, though none are “free,” yet all are “equal.” All therefore
whom you meet, should be treated with equal respect, although interest
may dictate toward each different degrees of attention. It is
disrespectful to the inviter to shun any of her guests. Those whom she
has honoured by asking to her house, you should sanction by admitting
to your acquaintance.
If you meet any one whom you have never heard of before at the table of
a gentleman, or in the drawing-room of a lady, you may converse with
him with entire propriety. The form of “introduction” is nothing more
than a statement by a mutual friend that two gentlemen are by rank and
manners fit acquaintances for one another. All this may be presumed
from the fact, that both meet at a respectable house. This is the
theory of the matter. Custom, however, requires that you should take
the earliest opportunity afterwards to be regularly presented to such
an one.
Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to
unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business, you should
never, in an evening, speak to a man about his professions. Do not talk
of politics with a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a
broker,—nor, unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost, of
education to a collegian. The error which is here condemned is often
committed from mere good nature and a desire to be affable. But it
betrays to a gentleman, ignorance of the world—to a philosopher,
ignorance of human nature. The one considers that “Tous les hommes sont
égaux devant la politesse:” the other remembers that though it may be
agreeable to be patronised and assisted, yet it is still more agreeable
to be treated as if you needed no patronage, and were above assistance.
Sir Joshua Reynolds once received from two noblemen invitations to
visit them on Sunday morning. The first, whom he waited upon, welcomed
him with the most obsequious condescension, treated him with all the
attention in the world, professed that he was so desirous of seeing
him, that he had mentioned Sunday as the time for his visit, supposing
him to be too much engaged during the week, to spare time enough for
the purpose, concluded his compliments by an eulogy on painting, and
smiled him affectionately to the door. Sir Joshua left him, to call
upon the other. That one received him with respectful civility, and
behaved to him as he would have behaved to an equal in the
peerage:—said nothing about Raphael nor Correggio, but conversed with
ease about literature and men. This nobleman was the Earl of
Chesterfield. Sir Joshua felt, that though the one had said that he
respected him, the other had proved that he did, and went away from
this one gratified rather than from the first. Reader, there is wisdom
in this anecdote. Mark, learn, and inwardly digest it: and let this be
the moral which you deduce,—that there is distinction in society, but
that there are no distinctions.
The great business in company is conversation. It should be studied as
art. Style in conversation is as important, and as capable of
cultivation as style in writing. The manner of saying things is what
gives them their value.
The most important requisite for succeeding here, is constant and
unfaltering attention. That which Churchill has noted as the greatest
virtue on the stage, is also the most necessary in company,—to be
“always attentive to the business of the scene.” Your understanding
should, like your person, be armed at all points. Never go into society
with your mind _en deshabille._ It is fatal to success to be all absent
or _distrait._ The secret of conversation has been said to consist in
building upon the remark of your companion. Men of the strongest minds,
who have solitary habits and bookish dispositions, rarely excel in
sprightly colloquy, because they seize upon the _thing_ itself,—the
subject abstractly,—instead of attending to the _language_ of other
speakers, and do not cultivate _verbal_ pleasantries and refinements.
He who does otherwise gains a reputation for quickness, and pleases by
showing that he has regarded the observation of others.
It is an error to suppose that conversation consists in talking. A more
important thing is to listen discreetly. Mirabeau said, that to succeed
in the world, it is necessary to submit to be taught many things which
you understand, by persons who know nothing about them. Flattery is the
smoothest path to success; and the most refined and gratifying
compliment you can pay, is to listen. “The wit of conversation consists
more in finding it in others,” says La Bruyère, “than in showing a
great deal yourself: he who goes from your conversation pleased with
himself and his own wit, is perfectly well pleased with you. Most men
had rather please than admire you, and seek less to be instructed,—nay,
delighted,—than to be approved and applauded. The most delicate
pleasure is to please another.”
It is certainly proper enough to convince others of your merits. But
the highest idea which you can give a man of your own penetration, is
to be thoroughly impressed with his.
Patience is a social engine, as well as a Christian virtue. To listen,
to wait, and to be wearied are the certain elements of good fortune.
If there be any foreigner present at a dinner party, or small evening
party, who does not understand the language which is spoken, good
breeding requires that the conversation should be carried on entirely
in his language. Even among your most intimate friends, never address
any one in a language not understood by all the others. It is as bad as
whispering.
Never speak to any one in company about a private affair which is not
understood by others, as asking how _that_ matter is coming on, &c. In
so doing you indicate your opinion that the rest are _de trop._ If you
wish to make any such inquiries, always explain to others the business
about which you inquire, if the subject admit of it.
If upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conversation begun
before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer.
If there is any one in the company whom you do not know, be careful how
you let off any epigrams or pleasant little sarcasms. You might be very
witty upon halters to a man whose father had been hanged. The first
requisite for successful conversation is to know your company well.
We have spoken above of the necessity of relinquishing the prerogative
of our race, and being contented with recipient silence. There is
another precept of a kindred nature to be observed, namely, not to talk
too well when you do talk. You do not raise yourself much in the
opinion of another, if at the same time that you amuse him, you wound
him in the nicest point,—his self-love. Besides irritating vanity, a
constant flow of wit is excessively fatiguing to the listeners. A witty
man is an agreeable acquaintance, but a tiresome friend. “The wit of
the company, next to the butt of the company,” says Mrs. Montagu, “is
the meanest person in it. The great duty of conversation is to follow
suit, as you do at whist: if the eldest hand plays the deuce of
diamonds, let not his next neighbour dash down the king of hearts,
because his hand is full of honours. I do not love to see a man of wit
win all the tricks in conversation.”
In addressing any one, always look at him; and if there are several
present, you will please more by directing some portion of your
conversation, as an anecdote or statement, to each one individually in
turn. This was the great secret of Sheridan’s charming manner. His
bon-mots were not numerous.
Never ask a question under any circumstances. In the first place it is
too proud; in the second place, it may be very inconvenient or very
awkward to give a reply. A lady lately inquired of what branch of
medical practice a certain gentleman was professor. He held the chair
of _midwifery_!
It is indispensable for conversation to be well acquainted with the
current news and the historical events of the last few years. It is not
convenient to be quite so far behind the rest of the world in such
matters, as the Courier des Etats-Unis. That sapient journal lately
announced the dethronement of Charles X. We may expect soon to hear of
the accession of Louis Philippe.
In society never quote. If you get entangled in a dispute with some
learned blockhead, you may silence him with a few extemporary
quotations. Select the author for whom he has the greatest admiration,
and give him a passage in the style of that writer, which most
pointedly condemns the opinion he supports. If it does not convince
him, he will be so much stunned with amazement that you can make your
escape, and avoid the unpleasant necessity of knocking him down.
The ordinary weapons which one employs in social encounter, are,
whether dignified or not, always at least honourable. There are some,
however, who habitually prefer to bribe the judge, rather than
strengthen their cause. The instrument of such is flattery. There are,
indeed, cases in which a man of honour may use the same weapon; as
there are cases in which a poisoned sword may be employed for
self-defence.
Flattery prevails over all, always, and in all places; it conquers the
conqueror of Danäe: few are beneath it, none above it: the court, the
camp, the church, are the scenes of its victories, and all mankind the
subjects of its triumphs. It will be acknowledged, then, that a man
possesses no very contemptible power who can flatter skillfully.
The power of flattery may be derived from several sources. It may be,
that the person flattered, finding himself gratified, and conscious
that it is to the flatterer that he is indebted for this gratification,
feels an obligation to him, without inquiring the reason; or it may be,
that imagining ourselves to stand high in the good opinion of the one
that praises us, We comply with what he desires, rather than forfeit
that esteem: or, finally, flattery may be only a marked politeness, and
we submit ourselves to the control of the flatterer rather than be
guilty of the rudeness of opposing him.
Flattery never should be direct. It should not be stated, but inferred.
It is better acted than uttered. Flattery should seem to be the
unwitting and even unwilling expression of genuine admiration. Some
very weak persons do not require that expressions of praise and esteem
toward them should be sincere. They are pleased with the incense,
although they perceive whence it arises: they are pleased that they are
of importance enough to have their favour courted. But in most eases it
is necessary that the flattery should appear to be the honest offspring
of the feelings. _Such_ flattery _must_ succeed; for, it is founded
upon a principle in our nature which is as deep as life; namely, that
we always love those who we think love us.
It is sometimes flattery to accept praises.
Never flatter one person in the presence of another.
Never commend a lady’s musical skill to another lady who herself plays.
It has often, however, a good effect to praise one man to his
particular friend, if it be for something to which that friend has
himself no pretensions.
It is an error to imagine that men are less intoxicated with flattery
than women. The only difference is that esteem must be expressed to
women, but proved to men.
Flattery is of course efficacious to obtain positive benefits. It is
of, more constant use, however, for purposes of defence. You conquer an
attack of rudeness by courtesy: you avert an attack of accusation by
flattery. Every:one remembers the anecdote of Dr. Johnson and Mr.
Ewing. “Prince,” said Napoleon to Talleyrand, “they tell me that you
sometimes speculate improperly in the funds.” “They do me wrong then,”
said Talleyrand. “But how did you acquire so much money!” “I bought
stock the day before you were proclaimed First Consul,” replied the
ex-bishop, “and I sold it the day after.”
Compliments are light skirmishes in the war of flattery, for the
purpose of obtaining an occasional object. They are little false coins
that you receive with one hand and pay away with the other. To flatter
requires a profound knowledge of human nature and of the character of
your subject; to compliment skillfully, it is sufficient that you are a
pupil of Spurzheim.
It is a common practice with men to abstain from grave conversation
with women. And the habit is in general judicious. If the woman is
young, gay and trifling, talk to her only of the latest fashions, the
gossip of the day, etc. But this in other cases is not to be done. Most
women who are a little old, particularly married women — and even some
who are young — wish to obtain a reputation for intellect and an
acquaintance With science. You therefore pay them a real compliment,
and gratify their self-love, by conversing occasionally upon grave
matters, which they do not understand, and do not really relish. You
may interrupt a discussion on the beauty of a dahlia, by observing that
as you know that they take an interest in such things you mention the
discovery of a new method of analyzing curves of double curvature. Men
who talk only of trifles will rarely be popular with women past
twenty-five.
Talk to a mother about her children. Women are never tired of hearing
of themselves and their children.
If you go to a house where there are children you should take especial
care to conciliate their good will by a little manly _tete-a-tete_,
otherwise you may get a ball against your skins, or be tumbled from a
three-legged chair.
To be able to converse with women you must study their vocabulary. You
would make a great mistake in interpreting _never, forever_, as they
are explained in Johnson.
Do not be for ever telling a woman that she is handsome, witty, etc.
She knows that a vast deal better than you do.
Do not allow your love for one woman to prevent your paying attention
to others. The object of your love is the only one who ought to
perceive it.
A little pride, which reminds you what is due to yourself, and a little
good nature, which suggests what is due to others, are the
pre-requisites for the moral constitution of a gentleman.
Too much vivacity and too much inertness are both fatal to politeness.
By the former we are hurried too far, by the latter we are kept too
much back.
_Nil admirari_, the precept of stoicism, is the precept for conduct
among gentlemen. All excitement must be studiously avoided. When you
are with ladies the case is different. Among them, wonder,
astonishment, ecstacy, and enthusiasm, are necessary in order to be
believed.
Never dispute in the presence of other persons. If a man states an
opinion which you cannot adopt, say nothing. If he states a fact which
is of little importance, you may carelessly assent. When you differ let
it be indirectly; rather a want of assent than actual dissent.
If you wish to inquire about anything, do not do it by asking a
question; but introduce the subject, and give the person an opportunity
of saying as much as he finds it agreeable to impart. Do not even say,
“How is your brother to-day?” but “I hope your brother is quite well.”
Never ask a lady a question about anything whatever.
It is a point of courtly etiquette which is observed rigorously by
every one who draws nigh, that a question must never be put to a king.
Never ask a question about the price of a thing. This horrible error is
often committed by a _nouveau riche._
If you have accepted an invitation to a party never fail to keep your
promise. It is cruel to the lady of the house to accept, and then send
an apology at the last moment. Especially do not break your word on
account of bad weather. You may be certain that many others will, and
the inciter will be mortified by the paucity of her guests. A cloak and
a carriage will secure you from all inconvenience, and you will be
conferring a real benefit.