_Guzman marries again at Alcala, and shortly after returns to live
at Madrid with his new wife._
I lived most delightfully with my new landladies; they endeavoured to
anticipate my every desire: in short, I was the master of the house.
This life lasted for about three months, at the expiration of which time
I began to talk of marriage. We soon came to terms; and, by way of
making a greater fool of myself, I expended a considerable sum of money
in wedding clothes. One would have thought that I had cart-loads of
money; though, to say the truth, I was almost at my last shift.
My mother-in-law, who was a good sort of woman, very easily led away by
finery, seeing the fine show I made, thought that I was of course
possessed of considerable property, and that the fortune of her whole
family was made by obtaining me for a son-in-law. As it was necessary
that a young man should be employed, she proposed to me to apply myself
to physic, telling me that it was a very lucrative profession, and that
if her husband had been more assiduous in it, he might have left his
widow and children much better off than they were. To induce me to
follow her advice, she offered me all Doctor Gracia’s books and
memoranda, not doubting, as she said, that with such assistance, and my
excellent understanding, I should soon become an excellent physician. To
gratify her wishes, I was complaisant enough to study for about six
months under some of the most famous professors of medicine; but their
lessons were not at all to my taste, and I soon became disgusted with a
study which at the best could only maintain me in my old age. I
pretended, therefore, that I had received letters from one of my
friends, offering me a lucrative post at Madrid, in which I could not
fail to grow rich in a very few years. I imparted this news to my
mother-in-law, who, believing it to be true, was the first to recommend
me to accept the situation, much as she really regretted the loss of my
society.
The aversion I felt for the study of medicine was not the only reason
for my wishing to leave Alcala. My finances were now at a very low ebb,
and I did not wish to expose my poverty in a place where I had hitherto
been considered in easy circumstances. In addition to this, I must
inform you, that Donna Maria, since her marriage, had thought proper to
renew an intercourse with certain students whose tender attentions she
had formerly encouraged. This was the more provoking to me, as she
could expect no grateful acknowledgments from such gallants but
serenades and boxes of sweetmeats. I was by no means satisfied with such
empty profits; for it appeared to me, that a husband who kindly
condescended to shut his eyes to his wife’s gallantries, deserved at
least that abundance should reign in his house. I resolved, therefore,
to leave a place where my wife had formed such bad acquaintances, and to
establish ourselves, at Madrid, where much better were to be met with.
Being quite prepared for the journey, we bade adieu to our friends and
family, and set off in a genteel equipage for that city, so justly
called the refuge for the destitute, Madrid. I had entirely broken with
my father-in-law, Don Andrea, on the occasion of my second marriage,
which I had contracted contrary to his advice. I thought no more of him;
and as to my creditors, as I had still two years before me, I troubled
myself but little on that head, nothing doubting, that before they
could legally annoy me again, I should either make some lucky hit, or my
wife’s beauty would enable us to form, far enough out of their reach, a
solid establishment.
A poor devil of a merchant from Alicant was the first who fell into our
snares. Unfortunately for him, he had joined us on our route, and having
seen Donna Maria, conceived a violent love for her. We clearly perceived
this, when having arrived at Madrid, he compelled us, as it were, to
stop at the inn where he lodged; and he assured us we should find every
thing most comfortable. “The landlady,” said he, “is one of the best
women in the world. She has most excellent apartments, and a most famous
cook.” There was no resisting the earnestness of his entreaties, which
sufficiently betrayed the goodness of his intentions. We were,
therefore, easily persuaded, and were conducted to the inn, where we
were exceedingly well received by the landlady, who appeared to us to be
really respectable, and very much the friend of the merchant. She
allotted to us one of the best apartments in the house, and tendered her
services most obsequiously on any occasion that we might require them.
Our travelling companion requested that we would leave to him the care
of providing a good supper for us; in which office he acquitted himself
like a rich man who wished only to please. He spared nothing during the
meal to gain my good graces. He paid much more attention to me than to
my wife, perhaps imagining that I was the most likely to oppose his
design. After supper, I inquired what was to pay, and was answered that
every thing was settled. I was overjoyed; but to let him see that I knew
how to treat as well as he did, I invited him to dine with me the next
day, and in the mean time sent orders to the cook to prepare an
excellent dinner for three persons. It is true, that I fully intended he
should pay for it; and, accordingly, no sooner was dinner over, than I
went out under pretence of having some important business at the court
end of the town, requesting him to excuse me, and to be so kind as to
keep my wife company in my absence. This exactly suited him as well as
me. Donna Maria, although sufficiently adorned by her natural beauty,
had passed the whole morning in adding to it all the charms that could
be borrowed of art, so that she appeared indeed more lovely than usual.
She proposed to play to pass the time, and won a hundred ducats of our
visitor, which he was obliged to lose to her out of gallantry.
This was nothing to what followed; for beginning to be more liberal in
proportion as he became deeper in love, he put himself to a frightful
expense. He presented my wife with several magnificent dresses, and a
quantity of jewels. He conducted her sometimes to the promenade,
sometimes to the theatres, and treated her and me every day in the most
profuse manner. All this generosity on his part, you will say, could not
be for nothing. I believe so as well as you. Donna Maria was naturally
of too grateful a disposition not to make some return for such
attentions. But I cared little or nothing about that. The husband of a
coquette, when he is in indigence, and finds his account in allowing his
wife to flirt, ought at least to be complaisant. The only fools are
those gallants who purchase so dearly of him favours of which he is
surfeited. As for me, I soon found myself by my prudent behaviour in a
most enviable situation. We soon left our lodgings, and took a whole
house to ourselves to live at greater liberty, ornamenting it with the
most elegant furniture, which Signor Diego (for that was the merchant’s
name) had the kindness to pay for. What a joyful life did we there
lead! good cheer, love, and indeed every pleasure were ours.
The merchant could not be better satisfied than he was with his lot, and
we were equally so with ours. Concord and peace reigned in our little
abode, when a young German nobleman, handsome, well made, and with a
grand equipage, chanced to see my wife at the playhouse with Signor
Diego, and thought her so handsome, that he was most anxious to know who
she was. Her superb dress and noble air impressed him with the idea that
she was a lady of quality, while, on the other hand, the looks and dress
of the merchant were by no means prepossessing. He knew not what to
think of such a couple. At first he took Diego to be an attendant upon
the lady; but the familiarity with which he treated her made him think
at last that he must be her husband. To ascertain the truth, he caused
her to be followed after the play by a clever valet, who returned with a
faithful account of her situation; and the German, from his report,
doubted not that he should soon be able to supplant the ugly merchant in
her good graces.
To bring this about, he had a private conference with our late landlady,
whom, by dint of presents, he soon gained over to his interests. This
woman, from whom we had parted on good terms, was in the habit of
calling upon us occasionally. One day, in a private conversation with
Donna Maria, she drew so flattering a portrait of the German, that she
engaged her to take a walk with her, unknown to Diego, where that young
gentleman met her as though by chance. In addition to his fine figure
and natural beauty, his manners were agreeable and insinuating. My wife
took a fancy to him at first sight, and he did not, therefore, long
languish. The proofs of gratitude of this gallant were not like those of
Don Diego; but purses of a hundred doubloons each, valuable diamonds,
superb tapestry, and rich plate. As soon as we found that this young
nobleman was so prodigal of his riches towards us, we attached ourselves
to him, and began to neglect our citizen of Alicant most outrageously.
Donna Maria even favoured his rival in his presence.
Signor Diego was not deficient in pride. He was one of those rich
merchants who look upon themselves as persons of quality. Not being
willing to suffer that any one should be preferred to him after what he
had done for us, he began to murmur. From murmurs he proceeded to
reproaches, and from reproaches to threats. His passion excited my
anger, and I told him that I chose to be master of my own house, and
begged he would give himself no airs. He had not expected that I should
have assumed so high a tone; and judging from that circumstance, that
instead of my having been his dupe, he had been mine all the while, he
wisely resolved to withdraw, which he did, bursting with rage and
spite, instead of returning a thousand thanks to Heaven for having
delivered him from such dangerous blood-suckers.
The German gentleman, far from diminishing our household expenses,
increased them daily. He loaded us with presents, and we began to give
ourselves great airs. I had three footmen, and my wife two female
attendants. We lived as if our property was doomed to last all our
lives. It was not, however, very far from its termination. Our gallant
foolishly thought fit to boast of his good fortune to a friend, a young
Count of the Court, and to bring him with him to visit us. As soon as
this latter saw Donna Maria, he became his friend’s rival. This was of
little consequence. The lady would have had wit enough to have pleased
them both; but the Count wishing that two or three other of his
fashionable friends should partake of his amusements, introduced them
also to our house, where these youths altogether turned the house
almost out of windows; nothing was to be heard but laughing and singing,
from morning till night: and nothing could be done but gaming and
drinking. And as these youngsters’ pockets were not always well stored,
they borrowed and cheated; and though all this property generally fell
into our hands, it went as lightly as it came.
So irregular a life could not fail to draw some misfortune upon us. Two
of these young gentlemen, already irritated by jealousy, had a trifling
dispute at play one night, upon which they immediately drew their
swords. They fought; and before they could be separated, one of them
received a mortal wound. The parents of the wounded gentleman, having
learnt that this accident happened at my house, which they considered a
resort for the disorderly, caused me to be arrested in my bed one
morning by a large body of constables, who, after having possessed
themselves of the principal part of my property, led me to prison.
This sudden intrusion of justice awoke my wife in rather a disagreeable
manner, who rose and dressed herself speedily, in order to intercede
with one of the principal judges, a person respectable as well from his
venerable appearance as his advanced age. She threw herself at his feet
with tears in her eyes, and implored his support with the most affecting
language. The old man, notwithstanding his years, was less interested by
the entreaties of his fair petitioner than by the charms of her person.
He raised her up, and introduced her into his closet, that, as he said,
her audience might not be interrupted; and while she related the affair
to him, the old satyr, who scarcely listened to a word she said, dried
her tears with his handkerchief with one hand, while he placed the other
trembling on her bosom. In short, he gave her hopes that the unlucky
adventure which had happened to me would have no ill consequences, and
immediately sent orders to the gaoler to treat me well; for he was a
magistrate of great authority, and might have released me immediately
had he been so inclined, but he wanted a few more audiences with my
wife. He appointed her to wait upon him the next day at the same hour.
This she did, and was immediately shewn into his closet again, where she
found him full dressed, combed, perfumed, and his beard neatly trimmed
for the occasion. The success of this second visit was a promise that I
should the next day be set at liberty; and my wife was obliged to call
upon him again, to receive from his own hands the warrant for my
release.
I thought myself very lucky in having got over this affair in so short a
time, though it had cost me almost half I was worth. I flattered myself
that, with so powerful a protector as my wife had now made, we might in
future do any thing we pleased with impunity. Immediately after dinner
I repaired to the judge’s house, where I thanked him for his great
goodness. He received me very politely, and invited me to pay him a
visit occasionally. I pretended to be extremely sensible of this honour,
and, on taking leave, besought a continuance of his protection. He
assured me that I might rely upon it; and, the better to convince me, he
honoured us with a visit that very evening. We received him in such a
manner, that if he had been Prime Minister of Spain he could not have
had more respect shewn him. As he told us that he liked music, my wife
and I formed a little concert for his amusement. We afterwards regaled
him with fruits and sweetmeats, which he repaid the next day by a
handsome present to my wife.
This superannuated gallant accustomed himself by degrees to spend every
evening in a house where he was so well entertained. At last he began
to find my presence troublesome to him, and to get me out of the way, he
told me, one day that I was dining with him, that ’twas a pity a man of
sense and learning as I was should pass his youth away in idleness; that
he would think of some post that would suit me, in which I should be
simple indeed if I did not speedily grow rich. I assured him that my
idleness was quite contrary to my inclinations, and that he would most
sensibly oblige me if he would procure me an useful occupation, in which
I trusted I could acquit myself to his satisfaction. The next day he
paid me another visit, and put into my hands a commission to be one of
the Receivers of King’s Taxes, signifying to me, at the same time, that
it would be necessary for me to repair to the precinct to which I was
appointed without delay. Although I had but little inclination to this
employment, I accepted it, and returned my benefactor as many thanks as
if he had raised me to one of the first posts in the kingdom. My wife
was scarcely better pleased at it than I was, but we resolved in secret
to make trial, whether, during my absence, our amorous grey-beard would
be sufficiently generous to recompense us for the loss of the German
gentleman.
I accordingly took leave of Donna Maria, leaving the field open to her
old Adonis. I arrived at the department to which I was appointed,
entered upon my new charge, and began to exercise it; but, alas! I soon
found that, without robbing, extortion, and all sorts of violence upon
the poor country people, I should be reduced to worse straits than ever.
In short, I did not like the business, for I could not help thinking
that a robber on the highway was an honester profession. Accordingly I
had determined, at the expiration of the first three months, to be
requested to be recalled. That time, however, had not elapsed before my
patron wrote to me of his own accord to return to Madrid. This letter
caused me more joy than I had felt when he so charitably released me
from prison. I gave up my post with all my heart, and returned to my
patron, very curious to learn how he could have grown tired of my
absence. I went to see him the first thing on my arrival, and he began
immediately to complain of Donna Maria’s coquettish inclinations. “Your
wife,” said he, “has one very great fault, which is, that she loves none
but young sparks. In vain have I represented to her that the many
visitors of this description that she receives must infallibly ruin her;
she will not break off such connexions: in short she is incorrigible. My
sole reason,” continued he, “for recalling you, was to inform you of her
indiscretion, and to caution you to keep a better check upon her
conduct, lest, in the event of any second accident happening at your
house, you may not always be able to find powerful and disinterested
protectors.” I understood his meaning perfectly, and promised the old
man that my wife should be more guarded in her future conduct; after
which, I went home, well assured that my wife would tell the story in
quite a different way; as in fact she did: for no sooner had I mentioned
his name, than she began to declaim against him as an avaricious old
curmudgeon, who had made her none but the most insignificant presents
ever since my departure.
I entered into her resentment, and permitted more young men than ever to
frequent our house; which the old magistrate having remarked, he
reproached me for having broken my word with him, and, as though he had
made my fortune, he accused me of making him an ungrateful return for
all the benefits he had conferred on me. At length we lost all patience,
and, to get rid at once of so troublesome a visitor, I ordered the
servants to say we were not at home whenever he called.
No sooner did he perceive that we were determined to release ourselves
from his tyranny than his love was converted into hatred, and in his
passion he caused us to be condemned to leave Madrid in three days,
under pain of imprisonment for the remainder of our lives. He thought
that by this he would undoubtedly have reduced us to implore his mercy,
and do just as he pleased; but he was much mistaken, for no sooner was
this unjust sentence made known to us than we guessed from whence it
came, and resolved to obey it, my wife choosing rather to travel all
over the world than have any thing more to do with this old rascal, and
I beginning to be apprehensive that my creditors would shortly be
calling upon me for the remainder of my composition money.