The winter wore rapidly away with sleigh-riding, snow-balling, and our
usual parties; and spring, lovely spring! again made its appearance. Our
flower-garden looked its very loveliest at this season; for it boasted
countless stores of hyacinths, tulips, daffodils, blue-bells, violets,
crocuses, &c. I remember so well when we first noticed the little green
sprouts shooting up in spots from which the snow had melted; and on
making this discovery, we always danced into the house and shouted out:
"Spring has come!" It gladdened our very hearts to find the first little
violet that dared to show its head above the ground; and then we ran to
the peach-trees to look at the delicate pink buds that shot forth so
curiously without any leaves. There was a warm sweet breath abroad upon
the air that tossed our hair about, and fanned our flushed cheeks, and
we knew that it was spring, sweet spring! that had come again to us. Oh,
how delightful it was when, escaped from all watchful eyes, I could
throw aside the troublesome sun-bonnet, that so obstructed my sight, and
dig and delve at pleasure! Never in all my life have I been so happy as
in these delightful spring days, when I roved about the paths with a
heart full of happiness, and a sensation of thankfulness for the
blessings I enjoyed.
Two circumstances contributed materially to immortalize this particular
spring in my recollections: I then completed my tenth year, which I
thought left me on the very threshold of womanhood, and we had two pet
squirrels, who inhabited the locust trees in front of the house, with a
tin cage to retire to at night--one of whom we called "blackey," and the
other "browney," from their different colors.
"Blackey" was extremely mischievous, and rarely could be caught; but
"browney" seemed a perfect paragon of gentleness and goodness--and I
would seat myself on the steps, holding him for hours, and listening to
the monotonous hum of the locusts, which always filled my heart with a
sense of quiet happiness. Did you never sit watching the glorious
sunbeams, as they fell on the soft, fresh grass, and with this low,
soothing hum in your ears, feel that the earth was very beautiful? I
have; but then I was a dreamer--an unmistakable, enthusiastic dreamer,
and my fancies would, perhaps, be laughed at by the wise ones of earth.
To return to "browney;" my love cooled for him very suddenly one
morning, as, with my finger in close proximity to his mouth, I sat and
apostrophized him thus, "You dear, little angel, you! I love you
dearly!" a sudden closing of sharp little teeth on my poor fingers put
an end to my rhapsodies; and the "little angel" was most unceremoniously
dropped on the ground, from whence he made his escape to his usual home,
the locust tree--and I never again sought to entice him from his
retreat. I ran about the walks as usual this spring, but it was with
languor and indifference that I visited our usual haunts; and I
wondered what it was that made my steps so very slow and dragging--it
seemed as though a weight were tied on each heel. If I attempted a race
with the boys, I was obliged to give up from very weariness; and
laughing at what they termed my laziness, they pursued their amusements
without me. Charles Tracy would now and then bring me a bunch of wild
flowers; and to the surprise of all, I preferred sitting with them in my
hands to joining in my usual noisy games. I grew pale and thin; and
Mammy and Jane began to express their uneasiness about me, while I often
noticed my mother's eyes fixed upon me in tender solicitude.
I went to bed one night feeling restless and feverish. It was the latter
part of April, and a small wood-fire still burned on the hearth; on the
embers of which I fixed my eyes steadfastly, until strange shapes and
burning eyes seemed moving about the quiet hearth. I was quite alone;
Mammy had gone out to spend the evening, and Jane was taking her tea in
the kitchen. Had it been for life or death I could not have spoken; I
tried to scream--but a hollow sound rattled in my ears--and with the
cold drops gathering on my forehead, I lay still, subdued, in a state of
delirious agony. I was almost senseless; until at length, feeling a
touch upon my arm, and a breathing at my side, I started wildly up, and
eluding all pursuit, fled swiftly down the stair-case. I pressed my hand
tightly on my throbbing head, and gaining the kitchen, burst suddenly
in, exclaiming, "O! Jane! Jane! do not leave me again!" I sunk down
insensible; and remember nothing but a scream of horror which proceeded
from Jane, who, having just seated herself beside me as I sprang out of
bed, had followed me in a state of breathless alarm to the kitchen.
When I again opened my eyes, it was about midnight. I had been conveyed
to my mother's room, and now experienced the delightful sensation of
finding myself in a high bed, with curtains; while my head was raised up
with pillows to an unusual height. In turning myself to obtain a better
view of the surrounding scenery, I became conscious of a stiffness in my
right arm; and fairly shuddered with horror on perceiving a basin of
blood close to my bedside. But worse and worse! a few paces further off
stood a grave-looking man, whom, from his very air, I knew to be a
doctor. Nay, had I been at all doubtful on this point, the addition of a
pair of spectacles would have convinced me at once--as this is an
ornament especially pertaining to M. D.'s. I had always hated, loathed,
dreaded a doctor as I would a nauseous object; and I now trembled to
find myself in his power--fearing that he read my dislike in my face.
Spectacles, too, disconcerted me; the glimmer of the polished glass
seems to add new fire to the eyes beneath; and I now beheld a pair, eyes
and all, levelled directly upon me. I shuddered at the very idea of a
doctor, and could never sit still in the room with one; and now there
stood that horrid man, evidently regarding me as his victim, while I
felt too weak and sick to make the least resistance.
My aversion probably arose from the circumstance of once having had a
loose front tooth pulled out--one that was just ready to jump out
itself; which operation, I felt convinced, had left my system in a very
shattered state. Often since did I torture myself for hours by mounting
up on a table before the glass, and with a string tied around a loosened
tooth, give it a little cowardly pull at intervals--lacking sufficient
courage to rid myself of my trouble at once. I have sometimes sat in
this interesting position for a whole morning; and should probably have
continued it through the afternoon had not Fred, or Henry, perceiving my
employment, come slyly behind me and caused me to start suddenly, which
always dislodged the troublesome tooth.
My eyes rested a moment on the doctor, and then glanced off to seek some
more agreeable object, and having found mamma, she seemed like a lovely
angel in comparison with the ogre who, I felt convinced, only waited his
opportunity to put an end to my life. Mamma came close to me, and
observing my gaze still bent upon the basin, she whispered softly: "Do
not look so frightened, Amy, you have only been bled--that is all,
believe me."
_All_! After this announcement I wondered that I breathed at all; and
had I not been too weak should certainly have cried over the thoughts
of the pain I must have suffered in my insensibility. I made no reply,
but leaned my head droopingly upon the pillow; and Dr. Irwin, taking my
hand, observed: "She is very weak, and we may expect delirium before
morning."
His first assertion received the lie direct in the strength with which I
pushed him off, as I would the touch of a viper; and clinging to mamma,
I cried: "Take him away, dear mother! Take him away!--Do not let him
come near us!"
"What?" exclaimed the doctor good-humoredly, "are you afraid of me, my
little lady? Do I look so very frightful?"
I was quite surprised at his pleasant tone, and on a nearer survey of
his features, felt my passion considerably cooled; but those odious
spectacles spoiled all. I remember soon after being raised up, while
some one held a cup to my lips, but whether the draught were good or bad
I was unable to determine. Dr. Irwin now took my mother aside, and
whispered something in a low tone, as he placed a small packet in her
hands. I heard my mother say: "I am afraid she will never take it,
doctor," to which he replied: "But she _must_ take it, madam--we cannot
consider a child's humors in the scale with her life." I now felt
assured that some nauseous compound was being prepared for me; which I
firmly resolved to fling in the doctor's face, should he dare to
approach me with it. I was a perfect fury when roused; and this fancied
cruelty excited my strongest passions.
But Dr. Irwin wisely took himself off; and the next morning poor mamma
received half the mixture on her dress, while the other half found a
resting place on the floor--a few drops only having slipped down my
throat; while one of the servants heard my screams at the end of the
village, and the next door neighbor, prompted by humanity, sent to
inquire the name of the murdered party. The next dose was more
successful; mamma having spread out before my eyes all her possessions
which she thought likely to tempt me, I received permission to make a
choice, on condition of swallowing a spoonful of calomel jalap. I
further displayed my gentleness by biting Dr. Irwin's fingers when he
attempted to look at my throat, and the good man evidently regarded me
as a pretty refractory patient.
I always had a great horror of being sick--that is, a real, regular fit
of sickness, where you are perched up in bed, and have to do as other
people please, and have only just what covering they please--when you
are not suffered to put an arm out, or toss off a quilt that almost
smothers you, or drink a drop of cold water. Once in a while, I thought,
to be just sufficiently sick to sit in the easy chair and look over
mother's pretty things, or daub with her color-box, while people brought
me oranges and waited upon me, did very well. I was not a gentle, timid,
feminine sort of a child, as I have said before--one who would faint at
the prick of a pin, or weep showers of tears for a slight headache; I
was a complete little hoyden, full of life and spirits, to whom the idea
of being in bed in the day-time was extremely disagreeable--and when I
had been "awful," according to the nursery phraseology, the greatest
punishment that could be inflicted upon me was to send me thither to
enjoy the charms of solitude. I was a female edition of my brother
Fred; not quite so prone to tricks and mischief, perhaps--but almost as
wild and unmanageable.
Now and then Fred would come down in the morning pale, sick, and
subdued-looking; his head tightly bound with a handkerchief, and his
whole countenance expressive of suffering. A sick headache was the only
thing that could tame him; and a smile of ineffable relief sat on the
faces of the others as they glanced at his woe-begone visage. He was as
secure for that day as though chained hand and foot. My quiet hours were
when some fascinating book engrossed my whole attention; I drank in each
word, and could neither see nor hear anything around.
But here I was, really sick and quiet, ill in bed for a whole
month--day-time and all; and oh! the nauseous doses that somehow slipped
down my unwilling throat! Sometimes I would lie and watch the others
moving around and doing as they chose, and then, feeling galled by my
own sense of dependence and inefficiency, the warm blood would glow
quickly as before, and springing hastily up, I determined to throw off
this weary feeling of lassitude. But it was of no use; all I could do
was to sink back exhausted, and "bide my time."
When the first stage of my illness was passed, poor mamma, completely
worn out, would often leave me to the care of Mammy or Jane; with
numerous directions to see that I took whatever had been left for me by
Doctor Irwin. I always liked to have Jane with me, for I _loved_ her;
and the medicine never seemed to taste so bad when she gave it to me.
She had various ways of smoothing this disagreeable duty; and one night
when I had been rather obstreperous, she cut a pill in two and took
half, by way of keeping me company; saying as she swallowed it that
"perhaps it might do her some good." When I became well enough to leave
my bed I sat in a nice easy-chair drawn close up to the window, from
whence I could see the early flowers that were now blooming in full
beauty in the garden below, while some amusing book rested on my lap. I
remember that they brought me the very first strawberries that ripened;
and the neighbors were so kind that many a well-relished delicacy was
sent in "for Mrs. Chesbury's sick child."
I was just able to run about, but still looking very pale and thin, when
Aunt Henshaw arrived on a visit. "What!" exclaimed she, "can this be the
madcap, Amy? Why, you look like a ghost, child! What in the world have
you been doing to yourself--studying too hard?"
The old lady possessed no great powers of penetration, and not being
sufficiently discerning to distinguish between the love of reading and
the love of study, she concluded, from seeing me often with a book in my
hand, that I was quite a studious character. Aunt Henshaw remained a
week or two; and though not exactly sick, I remained thin and drooping,
and seemed to get no stronger as the season advanced. The state of my
health was canvassed over and over again in the family circle; and one
day, when they were all gazing upon me with anxious solicitude, and
remarking upon my pale cheeks, Aunt Henshaw observed: "She needs a
change of air, poor child! She must go home with me."