_TITLES OF RESPECT._
+Never speak to a lady or gentleman without saying, “sir,” “ma’am,” or
“miss,” as the case may be.+
I have had several servants who had not been in place before, and in
every instance have had much trouble in making them observe this rule.
Every young person will say “Sir” or “Ma’am” occasionally; but few do
it always, till taught to do so in a regular place. Some, on my telling
them several times of this omission, have said, as an excuse, that it
seemed awkward to say “Ma’am” so often; but this is quite a mistake. It
sounds very awkward to leave it out; and, what is worse, it sounds, and
will always be thought, very ill-bred and disrespectful.
There is no need to say “Sir” or “Ma’am” more than once at each time
of speaking, though sometimes, in a very long sentence, it may be
repeated. Some servants overdo it; but this is a much less serious
fault than once leaving it out. I will give you a little conversation
to show you how the “Ma’am” may come in at each time of speaking,
without the least awkwardness:--
_Mistress._--“Mary, do you always shake the beds, and make them as I
told you?”
_Mary._--“Yes, ma’am, I think so; but I am not quite sure that I
remember all you said.”
_Mistress._--“What did I say about uncovering the bed?”
_Mary._--“You told me to pull the things down, and open the windows as
soon as I could, ma’am, and leave the bed to air at least half an hour;
but an hour or two in general.”
_Mistress._--“Yes; never less than an hour or two, unless there is some
great reason for haste. What about turning and shaking?”
_Mary._--“To turn the under-mattress and palliasse once a-week, ma’am;
and every morning to shake all the feathers from each corner of the
bed, and then turn it half over, and knead and pinch about the feathers
with both hands; then turn it quite over, and shake it at each corner
again before I pushed the feathers into shape. And you said, ma’am,
that I should take care to have rather more feathers at the top end
than at the bottom.”
_Mistress._--“Very well; and do you remember about the blankets?”
_Mary._--“Yes, ma’am; you said that if there was more than one blanket,
the top one should be put on crosswise, that it may tuck up well; and
that one should be put low enough to tuck well in at the foot.”
_Mistress._--“Very well remembered. And do you attend to all this?”
_Mary._--“Yes, ma’am, I think so.”
There is nothing awkward or in any way remarkable in this. Mary’s
answers are only what those of any girl would be who had been for some
time in service.
I had once a girl with me whose name was Lucy. She constantly omitted
to say “Ma’am,” in addressing me; as, “What do you say?”--“Oh,
no”--“Thank you”--and so on. I told her frequently of the omission,
but it seemed impossible to impress her; and it became so disagreeable
to me to speak at all with her while her questions and answers were so
uncourteous, that I began to fear, much as I liked her in all other
respects, that I must send her from the house. It at last occurred to
me, that as young girls are often apt to fancy a particular direction
given to them is unnecessary, and prompted only by a whim of their
employer, perhaps Lucy thought I was asking her to do something
ridiculously servile, and that would not be required of her in another
place; so, on telling her once more of her fault, I finished by saying,
“I am quite sure that the next servant from a gentleman’s house, or
the next decent person of lowly station, who may chance to come here,
will not speak to me once without saying ‘Ma’am.’ If any one of the
kind should be coming, I will stay and talk a little in your presence,
that you may see.” That very evening Lucy’s elder sister came in: as
I chanced to hear her knock, I went down at once, and stayed speaking
to her of her former places, her sick child, and her absent husband.
The good woman, of course, never omitted to say “Ma’am,” each time she
spoke. Lucy and I never mentioned the subject again, and Lucy never
forgot the lesson. I saw then that my suspicion of Lucy’s unwillingness
was true: when once her judgment was convinced, her memory was good
enough. Now, if you feel doubtful, like Lucy, of the necessity of
saying “Ma’am” and “Sir” so often, listen to the first good servant, or
the first tradesman, you hear talking with a lady or gentleman, and
you will see I am right.
In some houses, the lady will like you to say “Sir” or “Miss” to
the children; but in others this is not done. Most ladies allow the
servants to call the children “Dear,” or by their names, in speaking
_to_ them. I think, if you are not directed what to do in this respect,
you will be safe in saying “Sir” or “Miss” to those who are old or
well-behaved enough to treat you civilly, as the grown-up ladies and
gentlemen do, and “Dear” to those who romp and play with you like
children.
Whatever you may call the children, in speaking _to_ them, always speak
+OF+ them as “Master John,” “Miss Julia,” and so on; except to the
other children, to whom you may say “John,” “Julia,” &c. Even should
the lady or gentleman say to you, “Tell John to come in,” you should
still answer, “_Master_ John is in, sir.” Of course, a mere infant
will be called “Baby;” but, however young this “Baby” may be when
another comes to take the name, the elder baby must be called “Miss” or
“Master,” when spoken about.
In some houses, the servants call the lady and gentleman of the house
“My master” and “My mistress;” in others, “Mr. Smith” and “Mrs.
Smith,” or by whatever may be the surname, I would advise you in this
matter to follow the custom of the house you are in. You are most
likely to be in families where the first mode of speaking is adopted;
but whichever title you may give your master and mistress, in speaking
_of_ them, be sure you never address them by a surname; as, “Thank
you, Mr. Smith.” This would sound very rude. The simple “Sir” and
“Ma’am”--of which we have before spoken--is always the right word to
use in speaking +TO+ a lady or gentleman.
Lucy thought she might speak of all the family in the same way as of
her master and mistress, and would say, “My master’s brother”--“My
master’s mother”--“Your sister, ma’am;” but this was a great mistake.
Any one else should always be spoken of by name; as, “Mr. Frederick,”
“Mrs. Grant,” “Miss Grant,” &c.
If you wish to call your mistress, as it may sometimes chance, in a
hurry,--or on going into a dark room, to ask if she is there,--do not
call her by name, as, “Mrs. Smith!” but speak in some way that does not
need the use of a name; as, “Are you there, ma’am?”--“Can I speak to
you, ma’am?” Once Lucy (who is still with me, and now so well-mannered
a girl, that strangers often remark her with praise) wished to stop
me in haste, as I passed, to prevent my brushing some wet paint: she
had only time for a word, and called out, “Mistress!” I thought this
sounded more respectful than if she had called me by name; but she
might have said, “Stop, ma’am!”
I need scarcely tell you that you should never speak of any lady or
gentleman, whether friends of your mistress or not, without saying
“Mr.” or “Mrs.” before the name. It is sometimes a habit with tradesmen
and others, for quickness, to say, “Up at Green’s,” “Over at Turner’s,”
&c., in speaking of gentlemen’s houses; but this sounds very unbecoming
in a servant. If, in speaking of your master’s next-door neighbour to
him, you say, “The blinds are down at Anderson’s,” he will naturally
suppose that were you speaking of his house to Mr. Anderson, you would
say, “They are not down at Taylor’s”--or whatever his name may be; so
you are guilty of rudeness, in a certain way, to both your master and
his neighbour. I should not have thought any girl in service would need
to be warned against this mistake, had it not been committed by Rose,
who always spoke of my neighbours as “the Browns,” “the Millers,”
&c. There is no harm in speaking thus of tradesmen; as, “Over at
Thompson’s,” “Past Eley’s dairy,” &c.; but private houses should never
be so styled.
The servant who remembers to address thus civilly and respectfully
those put above her, will be almost sure to gain courtesy and respect
in return. In good houses, where such rules are scrupulously observed
by the servants, the ladies and gentlemen seldom command, but almost
always _ask_ a servant to do a thing, and thank her for anything done.
A civil “Shall I do it, ma’am?” will gain for answer, “If you please,
Mary;” while in common houses, where servants are allowed to neglect
the courtesies of their station, they are roughly ordered, and seldom
addressed by name: the rude “Shall I get it?” is answered by “To be
sure,” and the service done received without a word of recognition.
The higher your place is, the more courtesy you will meet with from
your employers; but, as is only fair, the more courtesy will be
required also from you. I am, therefore, advising you only to do that
which will bring its own return to you--to give that which will be
exactly paid back to you.