THE SERVANT’S BEHAVIOUR BOOK.
THE
SERVANT’S BEHAVIOUR BOOK;
OR,
Hints on Manners and Dress
FOR MAID SERVANTS IN SMALL HOUSEHOLDS.
BY MRS. MOTHERLY.
LONDON:
BELL AND DALDY, 186, FLEET STREET.
1859.
LONDON:
R. CLAY, PRINTER, BREAD STREET HILL.
TO MY READERS.
+My dear Girls+,
Every rule in this book is necessary to a girl entering a gentleman’s
family. Some of the things I shall tell you will be known to many of
you, and some will seem new and strange; but all are equally important,
if you wish to be well-behaved and agreeable servants. If you neglect
to observe the rules I shall teach you, you will always be awkward, and
fit only for common places and low wages; but if you learn and practise
them, you will be able to rise higher as your domestic knowledge and
abilities improve. Many a thoroughly good servant is kept all her life
in inferior places, solely by the want of good manners; and many a
servant of small abilities is advanced to a better position merely on
account of her good breeding.
Do not think because some of these directions seem strange to you, that
you will be noticed and looked at for observing them. All good servants
do the things which I advise you to do, and all ladies are accustomed
to see them done. You are much more likely to be watched and wondered
at for neglecting these rules, than for obeying them.
I dare say some of them will seem so simple, that you will laugh, and
say, “The lady need not to have told us that.” Now, believe me, when
you have been in place a few years, they will all seem so. They all
seem so now to me; so do not suffer yourselves to fancy I am telling
you to do anything uncommon, or likely to call attention to you. I
have taught a great many young girls to be good servants, and they
have often said to me, “Oh, ma’am, I shall be ashamed to do this;
every one will look at me!” After a little while the thing has become
quite natural, and they have laughed at themselves for ever thinking it
strange. One girl thought it seemed ill-tempered not to talk every time
she came into the drawing-room with a coal-scuttle or a letter, and
could scarcely be taught to come in quietly. Another thought it looked
foolish to bring in money or letters on a tray, because conveying them
in the hand was so much more simple. Another thought it sounded foolish
to say “Sir” or “Ma’am” every time she spoke to a gentleman or lady.
Now, I cannot tell which of my rules may be new to you; but I can only
say that none are so to experienced servants, or to ladies. I know that
none, however, are too simple to be useful to some of you, as I have
learned which will be useful by finding out which I have had to teach
to young girls in my own service.
Study them all well, then. When you find one that you already know, be
thankful to your parents or other guardians who have taught you what
others have had to learn from a mistress. When you find a direction
that is new to you, be careful to put it into practice directly, before
your employers shall have discovered your ignorance of it; and remember
that every fresh rule you learn and observe, makes you a better servant.
Believe me, my dear girls, to be,
Your sincere friend,
MARY MOTHERLY.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
CHAPTER I.
OF THE VOICE AND SPEAKING 11
CHAPTER II.
TITLES OF RESPECT 32
CHAPTER III.
STANDING AND MOVING 40
CHAPTER IV.
WAITING AT TABLE 52
CHAPTER V.
MISCELLANEOUS DIRECTIONS 70
CHAPTER VI.
DRESS 82
THE SERVANT’S BEHAVIOUR BOOK.
CHAPTER I.
_OF THE VOICE AND SPEAKING._
+Never let your voice be heard by the ladies and gentlemen of the house
except when necessary, and then as little as possible.+
This piece of advice cannot be too well remembered. It is needed by
almost all young girls on their first entering service, and great is
the annoyance thus caused to their employers. Every girl who wishes to
live in a gentleman’s family must learn, sooner or later, to keep guard
over her tongue, and it is best to begin at once, before her neglect
has called upon her the reproofs of the family.
In order that you, my readers, may the better understand how to follow
out this rule, I will give you a few more particular directions about
your voice and speaking, which will help you in those cases where you
will, without caution, be most likely to forget yourself. In reading
these directions you must remember that they should guide your conduct
towards any grown-up lady or gentleman who may be in the house,
although for the sake of shortness, I shall generally name only your
mistress.
+Never begin to talk to your mistress, unless it be to deliver a
message, or ask a necessary question. Even then, do it as shortly as
possible.+
Many young girls who are fond of talking will make a common message an
excuse for a long conversation. I had a nursemaid once who did this,
and if I tell you how she did it, you will perhaps see how tiresome it
must have been, and take care not to fall into the same error.
As I was leaving the nursery one day, Mary made the following speech:--
“If you please, ma’am, as we were turning the corner to-day, round by
the Red Lion, Master Willy said to me, ‘Look, Mary, Fanny has a hole
in her boot.’ I thought it very odd, but when I looked, ma’am, Miss
Fanny was running, and she threw up her feet behind, so I saw a little
hole quite plain, ma’am, and it had let a little stone in, and don’t
you think, ma’am, I might take it over to Mr. Green’s to be mended when
we go out to-morrow morning?”
Perhaps you see no harm in this; but you will understand how wearisome
it was to me to stand listening to this long story, when I remind you
that Mary might have said all that was necessary in these few words:
“Miss Fanny’s boots want mending, ma’am; shall I take them to Mr.
Green’s to-morrow?”
I will give you one more example, then I am sure you will understand
how to avoid this fault of Mary’s and of so many young girls. I once
asked Mary how her sick father was; she answered,
“I got a letter from mother to-day, ma’am, and she says, it is hard to
write while she has so much waiting to do; but father slept a little,
and she took the pen just to tell me his eyes looked a little brighter,
and he had taken a little of his favourite dish,--that’s stewed beef,
ma’am,--and so she thought at the time that he must be better; and
before she sealed the letter, Mr. Turner,--that’s the doctor, ma’am,
that comes from the club that father pays weekly--he came in, and said
father was much better, thank you, ma’am.”
It was very natural for Mary to like to talk of her sick father; yet
when she had been with me a few months longer she would not have
occupied me so long, because I asked her a simple question. She would
have remembered, that however interesting it was to her to know that
her father liked stewed beef, or that Mr. Turner was the club doctor,
and to dwell on all other particulars that concerned her parents whom
she loved, yet, I was not the person to whom she had a right to relate
all these things unasked, and would have answered simply, “Thank you,
ma’am, I have heard from my mother to-day, and father is much better.”
Never preface any thing you have to say, but say it simply. By
prefacing, I mean using some unnecessary beginning, as “I was going
to say, ma’am,” “I wanted to ask you, ma’am,” “I have been intending
several times to tell you, ma’am,” and so on. Such beginnings are quite
useless, and not only consume time, but sound familiar and awkward.
It is better to ask, say, or tell, at once, as “Shall I go, ma’am?”
“If you please, ma’am, I want some new dusters,” &c. &c. This habit
of prefacing grows so much on those who fall into it, that it becomes
difficult to them to say anything simply; it should therefore be
guarded against at the beginning.
Sometimes a kind mistress will ask questions, and encourage a servant
to speak of her family, and her own affairs. There can then be no harm
in doing so. But if this should happen to you, remember two things:
first, be sure you are careful to talk only as much as you see is
agreeable to your mistress, and take the first hint to stop--such as
your mistress’ changing the subject, or sending you to do, or fetch
something; and secondly, never think, because your mistress has chosen
to have a little friendly talk with you on one occasion,--perhaps
while she warmed her hands at your fire, or while you helped her to
undress--that she means to throw aside all reserve, and will like you
to chat on in the same way another time, without encouragement.
Suppose this conversation takes place down stairs, and your mistress
goes away, and soon after rings for tea, do not, when you go up, begin
the conversation again; but go in just as quietly as if she had not
been talking to you a few moments before. By doing this, you will show
her that she may talk kindly and freely to you when she has time and
inclination, without fear of making your manner the less respectful to
her at other times.
If you are an only servant, this is the more important, as it is very
dull for you to have no companion, and a kind mistress, feeling this,
will like often to talk to you when she has time to do so; but should
she find her kindness makes you familiar, she will soon leave off
conversing with you.
I know many ladies who have repented having spoken familiarly to their
servants, finding that the girls have misunderstood their kindness, and
sometimes have gone so far as to begin talking about their own affairs
in the drawing-room. One lady who was thus annoyed, told me that she
always took up a book and appeared to read, before she rang the bell,
hoping thus to keep the girl from stopping to talk when she came up.
I am sure it would have been kind to tell this young creature how
improper her conduct was; but the lady did not like to do so, and as
even the book did not restrain her, she was sent away. I know she left
two good places after this, within a few months, and then went into a
small shopkeeper’s family, where she was remaining when last I heard
of her. It is, perhaps, scarcely fair to expect that a lady should take
upon herself the trouble of teaching good manners to every servant who
may come into her service; but had this girl chanced to meet with a
mistress who was willing to take the trouble of speaking to her several
times of this, and other similar faults, resulting from the same want
of respect to those placed over her, she would not have had to go back
from gentlemen’s families to a common place.
I need scarcely tell you never to speak when you go in to take up
coals, lay a cloth, sweep up crumbs, or dust, or to do anything else in
a room where a lady or gentleman may be sitting, either alone or with
others.
There is, however, one little distinction to be made between your
mistress and any other lady. There may be many things you need to
ask or to tell your mistress, and when there is something necessary
to say, there can be no harm in speaking; but it should be done in a
respectful way; not while you are kneeling to sweep, or laying a cloth,
but when you have done your work in the room, standing by the door, as
I shall tell you by and by. It is also better to speak on any domestic
matter when your mistress may chance to be in the kitchen--or even
in her bedroom, if you can manage it--rather than when she is in the
drawing-room. In the kitchen or bedroom she is more likely to have her
thoughts disengaged, and at liberty to attend to domestic concerns;
but many occasions will arise when you will need to see your mistress
without waiting for such an opportunity, and you will then be obliged
to go in to her, and it will not signify much, provided you remember
to stay as short a time as possible. You should, in such a case, go
in and shut the door, standing by it, and it will be well to begin by
saying, “I beg your pardon, ma’am, but will you be so kind as to tell
me--” Do not fancy that any lady will think this strange, or stare at
you for saying it. It is only common civility. The girls I have with me
now, always beg my pardon, or use some such words of apology, if they
come in and speak to me unasked. I did not tell them to do so, but they
are well behaved, respectful servants, and they feel that it is proper
to show me this consideration. If you feel shy at using these words
of apology, you may still enter and speak in a gentle and respectful
manner which shows you are sensible of intruding, a manner which
implies an apology. If your mistress should be with company, it is
still less desirable to interrupt her; yet there are cases where even
this must be done--but they are very seldom. In such a case you should
merely say at the door, “Can I speak to you, ma’am?” and your mistress
will come out. No questions must be asked before strangers.
Now I think you will understand what I mean by saying, _Never begin
to talk to your mistress, unless it be to deliver a message, or ask a
necessary question._
Before I pass on to the third rule about speaking, I should like to
show you how reasonable this second rule is. It may at first appear
to you that there is no reason why you should keep at such a distance
from your mistress, or why you should not be allowed to speak as freely
to her as to one of your fellow-servants,--that it would be happier
for both were you to do so, and that only pride and unkindness can be
the cause of such a distinction as I have been drawing. This is not
at all the case, as I will show you. Do you know that all the rules
I have been teaching to you are taught to many ladies and gentlemen
as rich and clever as your own master and mistress? Your master, at
your age, probably had some teacher, or some superior in an office or
counting-house, towards whom he had to be just as respectful as you
ought now to be to him. In all government offices and places where
gentlemen are employed, there are heads and governors, who must not
be spoken to by those lower in office, except in just such cases as
you may speak to those placed over you. Every one in the land has some
such superior in station, till you rise to dukes and princes, who are
compelled to observe with a king or queen, exactly such strict rules as
I have been laying down for you. It would be easy to show you, in every
case, why these rules are necessary, but as only your own case concerns
you, I will keep to that.
If I were to tell you not to use your mistress’ bonnet or shawl, or
even her umbrella or scissors, without her permission, you would
understand at once the propriety and reasonableness of the direction.
I think I can show you that it is just as proper and reasonable to
refrain from using her time, without permission. Ladies have been
educated in a very different manner to you. They have read many books,
have travelled and seen many sights, talked with educated people, and
know a great number of things about which you know nothing. It is not
likely that you can have anything to say that will amuse or interest a
lady. When she talks to you, it is in kindness, and all the pleasure
of the talk is on your side. She talks down to your understanding and
knowledge, as you do to the understanding and knowledge of a young
child, who does not know a hundredth part of what you know. Were you
to listen to the conversation of your mistress with her friends, it
would often be very dull to you, because the talk would be of books,
people, and events of which you have never heard, and would consist of
many words you would not understand. Just as their conversation would
be dull to you from its cleverness, so is yours dull to your mistress
from its simplicity. Many things that appear to you witty and full of
fun, would in no way amuse your mistress, but would seem as dull to her
as a child’s wit to you. When a child throws down a doll, and says,
“How funny!” you see no fun, but laugh to please the child; and so the
joke that is too clever for the child amuses you, but has no fun in it
to the lady whose understanding is much beyond yours. I had a servant
once who took every opportunity of repeating to me the jokes of the
tradesmen and her friends. Some of them seemed to me only coarse, and
others stupid; and I never felt the least amused by any one of them,
but only annoyed by the liberty she took in occupying my time with such
nonsense. Yet perhaps she thought to entertain me.
There is sometimes a mistress rich but ill-educated. Such a mistress is
almost sure to make companions of her servants, because her knowledge
and ideas are nearer on a level with theirs. But a sensible girl will
with just cause respect most, and like best to serve, the lady whose
superior knowledge puts a natural barrier between them. In any case, a
servant must rank below her mistress. How much more pleasant it is to
give place to one who is really, and at all times, your superior, than
to a natural equal, raised by the accident of possessing more money! It
then follows, that the lady who always feels and observes a difference
between herself and her servants, puts more dignity on them than the
mistress who will allow full familiarity, except in the presence of
strangers.
But we will suppose for a moment that a servant’s conversation could
be amusing, and in all respects equal to that of her mistress. In such
a case, were she at liberty to speak freely, her mistress would have
no rest. Visitors, however pleasant, are very fatiguing for many days
together; and few ladies will invite persons to stay in the house
continually, and none at times when business, or trouble, or any other
cause may exist for making quiet desirable. But were the barrier of
which we have been speaking between mistress and servant once removed,
no lady could ever secure quiet and solitude. She might refrain from
inviting friends, and send her children out, or to the nursery; but
servants must be in the house, and at liberty to go from room to room
as their work calls them; and if they were to stand chatting at the
door whenever the bell was rung, or to enter when they pleased for a
gossip, the poor lady would be as ill off as if she were compelled to
have three or four perpetual visitors;--how much worse, too, when we
add, that these never-failing visitors would be persons whose talk was
entirely uninteresting to her, and quite below her understanding!
We will now pass on to the third rule about speaking.
+Never talk to another servant, or person of your own rank, or to a
child, in the presence of your mistress, unless from necessity; and
then do it as shortly as possible, and in a low voice.+
When I say “a low voice,” I do not mean a whisper, which would be worse
than the loudest voice, but an undertone.
Nothing can be more ill-bred, than for two servants to laugh and talk
in their mistress’ presence. I should have thought that no girl of
sense would need to be warned of this error, had I not seen very good,
and in many respects well-behaved girls, fall into it. Rose was with me
for some time, but I could never completely cure her of this failing,
and two or three others similar to it. The consequence is, that she
has never risen to a high place. Though as regards her work she is
a first-rate servant, yet she could never stay long in gentlemen’s
families, from the uncouthness of her manners; while Mary, the
chatterbox, who cured her faults of manner before she left me, though
an indifferent servant as regards work, being delicate and rather slow,
is now earning very high wages as parlour-maid, in a family where two
carriages are kept.
I do not mean that Rose, after being chidden once or twice, talked and
laughed loud in my presence; but merely that she still continued to
speak unnecessarily and freely to her fellow-servants while I was in
the room. I will show you what I mean. I was once ill, and lay on the
sofa for a few moments while my bed was being made by Rose and Mary. I
asked Mary, “Has Baby had her new food to-day?”
_Mary._--“Yes, ma’am.”
_I._--“Did she like it without sugar?”
_Mary._--“Yes, ma’am; pretty well.”
_Rose._--“What! did she eat it without sugar?”
Mary feeling the impropriety of talking with Rose in my room, and yet
not liking to make her no answer, nodded her head quietly, and I said
again, “I should like to kiss her before she goes to bed.”
_Rose to Mary._--“She is gone, isn’t she?”
Mary, not answering Rose, turned to me and said, “She is in bed, ma’am.”
This little conversation will show you, by Rose’s example, what to
avoid, and, by Mary’s example, how to behave, if a young girl who does
not know better speaks to you when a lady is present.
The same rule applies to children, and to any person of your own
station, as a laundress or a charwoman, who may chance to speak to you
freely when ladies are present.
I must, however, point out to you that, in some cases it is necessary
to ask or answer a question. Suppose, in making the bed, Rose misses a
pillow, she will properly say, “Mary, have you moved the pillow?” and
Mary will, with propriety, answer, “No; but I saw nurse with it in her
hand. I think it must be on the sofa,” or whatever else may lead to the
finding of the pillow; but this will be in a quiet voice, and in as few
words as possible.
Children are often very troublesome in talking to servants when they
are laying a cloth, sweeping up crumbs, &c. Sometimes, if a child says,
“Look at this!” or, “Oh, Mary, mamma has given me this!” you may nod
and smile; but if questions are asked you by children, or a long story
told, the best way is to appear not to hear. The child will probably
receive a check from some one in the room, and will, in any case, soon
learn that it is of no use to speak to you at such times. You may also
yourself, when alone with the child, ask him not to talk to you when
ladies and gentlemen are in the room, saying that you do not like to
disturb them by talking yourself.
Suppose a child asks a question to which a nod or a smile will be
no answer, and persists in asking it again and again, and is not
checked by anyone in the room, it is best to go up to it and say in a
low voice, “I will tell you another time,” or anything else that will
answer the purpose.
A nursemaid, when in the nursery, may be much more free in speaking
to children with the lady present, as it is understood then that her
business is to attend to them; but her own good sense will show her
that she should still say but little, and defer all stories, songs,
and noises to the baby, till her mistress is gone; and that though she
may answer questions, or speak to the children, she should do so in a
quiet voice, and keep as much as she can in the background, leaving her
mistress to enjoy the company of the children undisturbed.
+Never talk to a fellow-servant, a person of your own rank, or a child,
in a passage or hall, a staircase, or any such place, unless strictly
necessary, and then in an undertone, and as little as possible.+
If two servants meet, or are at work together, on a staircase or
landing, or any place from which their voices may be heard in adjoining
rooms--as under windows, in anterooms, &c., they should never
converse. It is excessively annoying to those who are in the house to
hear a hum of voices, and still worse, should the talking be nearer, to
hear the conversation. When it is necessary to speak in such places, it
should be in a low voice and few words. No rule is more often neglected
than this by common servants, and no rule more strictly observed by
servants accustomed to good places.
In a small house, where the kitchen is within hearing of the sitting
rooms, be careful to shut the door before you begin to talk; and even
then, avoid loud talking and laughing, as the murmur of it goes through
the walls, and is very annoying to the family.
In a small house, remember also not to talk to friends or tradesmen at
the street-doors. On opening to a friend who is coming in, say only,
“How do you do?” or some few words, and save all talk till you are in
the kitchen, and the door is shut. Never go along the hall and stairs
talking.
I am sure you will see the propriety of this rule. Were servants to
laugh and talk about the house, they would subject the family to the
very annoyance for which children are often punished. In houses that
contained children, all noises would be doubled; and in houses without
them, the family would thus get the noise without the pleasure of them.
+Never call out from one room to another.+
It is sometimes very tiresome to be obliged to run up two or three
flights of stairs to speak to or call down a fellow-servant or child;
but there is no help for it; there must absolutely be no calling: the
nuisance of it would be intolerable. If talking on the stairs is bad,
calling is a hundred times worse.
+Always answer when you receive an order or reproof.+
When you are told to do anything, never omit to say, “Yes, ma’am,” or
“sir,” in a voice that may be heard. If you do not answer, it may be
supposed that you have not heard the order; or what is worse, it may be
thought you are unwilling to obey. It is a common thing for ill-behaved
and ill-tempered girls to give no answer to an order that they dislike;
and it is natural, therefore, for a lady to attribute silence, in
answer to a troublesome order, to ill-temper.
It is even more important to make answer to a reproof, as here you may
the more easily be suspected of ill-temper. A civil answer generally
puts an end to the anger of the person reproving. A girl who replies in
an amiable way, “I am very sorry, ma’am, and will be more careful next
time,” or whatever else may be suitable (provided that the words are
sincere), does her best to mend her fault. Supposing that your temper
is too irritable for you to command yourself enough to say so much,
you can still say a word or two; as, “Yes, ma’am;” “I am very sorry,
ma’am,”--to show that you have heard and understood. Silence at such a
time is rude, ill-tempered, and likely to provoke more reproof.
There are, of course, many cases in which you must speak in the
sitting-rooms: let this always be in a gentle voice; but when necessary
to let more than one person hear you, or when speaking across the room,
do not be afraid to make yourself heard. In announcing the name of a
visitor, which should be heard by all in the room, speak loudly and
distinctly; but in addressing a lady or gentleman at table, “Will you
take water, sir?” or in saying “Thank you, sir,” to a person giving
you anything, your voice should be low, as only the person by whom you
stand need hear you. Indeed, your own sense will now guide you, and
teach you how to carry out the injunction with which I began this
chapter, namely,
+A servant’s voice should never be heard by the ladies and gentlemen of
the house, except when necessary, and then as little as possible.+