(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
_House of Commons, Tuesday, June 9._--Recorded in Parliamentary history
how a debate on Budget of the day a great statesman began his speech by
utterance of he word "Sugar." Contrast of imposing personality of the
Minister and sonorousness of his voice with commonplace character of
utterance tickled fancy of House, then as now almost childishly eager to
be amused. The great man looked round with stern glance that cowed the
tittering audience. "Sugar," he repeated amid awed silence, and
triumphantly continued his remarks.
It wasn't sugar that occupied attention of House on resuming sittings
after Whitsun recess. It was Milk. Naturally Bill dealing with subject
was in hands of the INFANT SAMUEL. Debate on Second Reading presented
House in best form. Impossible for most ingenious and enterprising
Member to mix up with milk the Ulster question or hand round bottles
accommodated with india-rubber tubes and labelled Welsh Church
Disestablishment. Consequence was that, in Second Reading debate on Bill
promoted by Local Government Board, Members on both sides devoted
themselves to single purpose of framing useful measure.
[Illustration: THE INFANT SAMUEL.]
Animated debate on another Bill in charge of JOHN BURNS amending
Insurance Act in direction of removing administrative difficulties and
diminishing working costs. Nothing to complain of in way of acerbity.
Second Reading stages of both measures passed without division, and
House adjourned before half-past ten.
At Question time peaceful prospect momentarily ruffled. The SAHIB REES,
taking advantage of absence of SPEAKER, prolonging his holiday amid
balmy odours of Harrogate Pump Room, was in great form. With extensive
view he surveyed mankind from British Columbia to the Persian Gulf, just
looking in at Australasia to see what IAN HAMILTON has lately been up to
in matter of compulsory military service.
It was in Persian Gulf that squall suddenly threatened. SAHIB wanted to
know whether HIS MAJESTY'S ships in that quarter of the world "had been
engaged with gun-runners."
BYLES OF BRADFORD, seated on Front Bench below Gangway, pricked up his
baronial ears. What! More gun-running and nobody either hanged or shot?
On closer study of question perceived that use of ambiguous word misled
him. When the SAHIB enquired whether HIS MAJESTY'S ships had been
"engaged" with gun-runners he did not mean that they had rendered
assistance in illegal enterprises, nocturnal or other. On the contrary,
word had directly opposite meaning.
BYLES OF BRADFORD accordingly abandoned intention of putting
Supplementary Question, reserving his energy for his own searching
inquiry, which appeared lower down on paper, impartially denouncing
importation of arms "whether by the Ulster Volunteers or the National
Volunteers, or both."
[Illustration: "Who said 'gun-running'?"
(_With acknowledgments to a popular picture._)
("BYLES OF BRADFORD pricked up his baronial ears.")]
_Business done._--National Insurance Act Amendment Bill, and Milk and
Dairies Bill read a second time.
_Wednesday._--Attendance still small, especially on Opposition Benches.
Hapless Ministerialists, warned by urgent summons hinting at surprises
in store in the Division Lobby, loyally muster. Nothing happened;
perhaps in other circumstances something might.
Whilst the Benches are half empty Order Book is crowded. To-day's list
catalogues no fewer than 142 Bills standing at various stages awaiting
progress. Thirty-five are Government measures. The rest proofs of the
energy and legislative capacity of private Members.
Of course at this stage of Session only small proportion of Government
Bills are likely to reach the Statute Book; those in hands of private
Members have no chance whatever. Still, imposing display looks well on
paper. In its various developments adds considerably to amount of
stationery bill.
_Business done._--In Committee of Supply on Post Office Vote, a trifle
of £26,151,830, the Holt Report on postmen's demand for higher wages
discussed.
_Thursday._--Walking down Victoria Street on way to House of Commons,
as is my custom of an afternoon, I come upon my old friend the
sandwich-board man. He stands in the shadow of Westminster Abbey
panoplied back and front with boards making the latest announcement of
newcomers to Madame Tussaud's. Morning and afternoon, all day long, he
stands there, the life of London surging past. We generally have a
little chat, and occasionally he gets a cigar.
One mystery that long piqued me he solved. If you chance upon
sandwich-board men marching to head-quarters, like old _Kaspar_ at his
garden gate their day's work done, you will notice they always carry
their boards upside down. The passer-by, consumed by desire to know what
truth these proclaim, must needs assume inverted attitude in order to
profit by announcement. Why do they so scrupulously observe that custom?
"Point of honour," says my sandwich-board man. "What you call class
interests. We are paid little enough for so many hours' tramp. When the
hour of deliverance strikes we turn the board upside down. So we do when
we sit down by crowded thoroughfare to eat our mid-day bread-and-cheese,
or bread without cheese as may happen. Not going to give the master more
than he pays for."
What specially attracted me to-day was communication received from
MEMBER FOR SARK. Says he hears that WINTERTON is about to be added to
Madame Tussaud's!
[Illustration: THE WINTERTON WAX-WORK.]
Suppose this, next of course to Westminster Abbey, is highest compliment
possible for public man. On reflection I say not quite. LULU stands on
triple pinnacle of fame. On one or other the New Zealander, bored with
the monotony of the ruins of London Bridge, sure to hap upon his name
writ large.
There is the Harcourt Room in House of Commons, a spacious dining-hall
cunningly contrived with lack of acoustical properties that make it
difficult to hear what a conversational neighbour is saying. In time of
political stress this useful, as preventing lapse into controversy at
the table. Homeward bound from his last Antarctic trip, ERNEST
SHACKLETON discovered three towering peaks of snow and ice. One he named
Mount Asquith; another Mount Henry Lucy; a third Mount Harcourt.
Now a great shipping company, having business on the West Coast of
Africa, making welcome discovery of a deep water port in the estuary of
the Bonny River, have named it Port Harcourt.
This concatenation of circumstance more striking than the lonely
eminence of a pitch in the hall of Madame Tussaud, and a name flaunting
on her sandwich-board. Moreover than which, as grammarians say, SARK has
evidently been misinformed. My sandwich-board man has heard nothing of
reported addition to our Valhalla. Certainly his boards do not confirm
the pleasing rumour.
_Business done._--HOME SECRETARY announces intention of Government to go
to fountain-head of trouble with Militant Suffragists. Will proceed by
civil or criminal action directed against the persons who subscribe
sinews of war. Loud cheers from both sides approved the plan. Followed
at short interval by sharp report distinctly heard in Lobby. Was it echo
of the strident cheer? No. It was the ladies demonstrating afresh their
eligibility for exercise of the suffrage by attempting to blow up the
Coronation Chair in Westminster Abbey.
* * * * *
"Candidates for divinity degrees at Cambridge should, it is
proposed, be required to give evidence of a competent general
knowledge of Christian theology."--_Times._
Every now and then the authorities get these bright ideas, and thus our
old Universities keep up to date.
* * * * *