POLITE DEPORTMENT, AND GOOD HABITS.
Lord Chesterfield says, "Good sense and good nature suggest civility in
general; but in good breeding there are a thousand little delicacies
which are established only by custom."
It is the knowledge and practice of such "little delicacies" which
constitutes the greatest charm of society.
Manner may be, and, in most cases, probably is, the cloak of the heart;
this cloak may be used to cover defects, but is it not better so to
conceal these defects, than to flaunt and parade them in the eyes of all
whom we may meet?
Many persons plead a love of truth as an apology for rough manners, as
if truth was never gentle and kind, but always harsh, morose, and
forbidding. Surely good manners and a good conscience are no more
inconsistent with each other than beauty and innocence, which are
strikingly akin, and always look the better for companionship. Roughness
and honesty are indeed sometimes found together in the same person, but
he is a poor judge of human nature who takes ill-manners to be a
guarantee of probity of character. Some persons object to politeness,
that its language is unmeaning and false. But this is easily answered.
A lie is not locked up in a phrase, but must exist, if at all, in the
mind of the speaker. In the ordinary compliments of civilized life,
there is no intention to deceive, and consequently no falsehood. Polite
language is pleasant to the ear, and soothing to the heart, while rough
words are just the reverse; and if not the product of ill temper, are
very apt to produce it. The plainest of truths, let it be remembered,
can be conveyed in civil speech, while the most malignant lies may find
utterance, and often do, in the language of the fishmarket.
Many ladies say, "Oh, I am perfectly frank and outspoken; I never stop
to mince words," or, "there is no affectation about me; all my actions
are perfectly natural," and, upon the ground of frankness, will insult
and wound by rude language, and defend awkwardness and ill-breeding by
the plea of "natural manners."
If nature has not invested you with all the virtues which may be
desirable in a lady, do not make your faults more conspicuous by
thrusting them forward upon all occasions, and at all times. "Assume a
virtue if you have it not," and you will, in time, by imitation, acquire
it.
By endeavoring to _appear_ generous, disinterested, self-sacrificing,
and amiable, the opposite passions will be brought into subjection,
first in the manner, afterwards in the heart. It is not the desire to
deceive, but the desire to please, which will dictate such a course.
When you hear one, who pretends to be a lady, boast that she is rough,
capricious, and gluttonous, you may feel sure that she has never tried
to conquer these faults, or she would be ashamed, not proud, of them.
The way to make yourself pleasing to others, is to show that you care
for them. The whole world is like the miller at Mansfield, "who cared
for nobody--no, not he--because nobody cared for him." And the whole
world will serve you so, if you give them the same cause. Let every one,
therefore, see that you do care for them, by showing them, what Sterne
so happily calls, "the small, sweet courtesies of life," those
courtesies in which there is no parade; whose voice is too still to
tease, and which manifest themselves by tender and affectionate looks,
and little, kind acts of attention, giving others the preference in
every little enjoyment at the table, in the field, walking, sitting, or
standing.
Thus the first rule for a graceful manner is unselfish consideration of
others.
By endeavoring to acquire the habit of politeness, it will soon become
familiar, and sit on you with ease, if not with elegance. Let it never
be forgotten, that genuine politeness is a great fosterer of family
love; it allays accidental irritation, by preventing harsh retorts and
rude contradictions; it softens the boisterous, stimulates the indolent,
suppresses selfishness, and by forming a habit of consideration for
others, harmonizes the whole. Politeness begets politeness, and brothers
may be easily won by it, to leave off the rude ways they bring home from
school or college. Sisters ought never to receive any little attention
without thanking them for it, never to ask a favor of them but in
courteous terms, never to reply to their questions in monosyllables,
and they will soon be ashamed to do such things themselves. Both
precept and example ought to be laid under contribution, to convince
them that no one can have really good manners abroad, who is not
habitually polite at home.
If you wish to be a well-bred lady, you must carry your good manners
everywhere with you. It is not a thing that can be laid aside and put on
at pleasure. True politeness is uniform disinterestedness in trifles,
accompanied by the calm self-possession which belongs to a noble
simplicity of purpose; and this must be the effect of a Christian spirit
running through all you do, or say, or think; and, unless you cultivate
it and exercise it, upon all occasions and towards all persons, it will
never be a part of yourself.
It is not an art to be paraded upon public occasions, and neglected in
every-day duties; nor should it, like a ball-dress, be carefully laid
aside at home, trimmed, ornamented, and worn only when out. Let it come
into every _thought_, and it will show forth in every _action_. Let it
be the rule in the homeliest duties, and then it will set easily when in
public, not in a stiff manner, like a garment seldom worn.
I wish it were possible to convince every woman that politeness is a
most excellent good quality; that it is a necessary ingredient in social
comfort, and a capital assistant to actual prosperity. Like most good
things, however, the word politeness is often misunderstood and
misapplied; and before urging the practical use of that which it
represents, it may be necessary to say what it means, and what it does
not mean.
Politeness is not hypocrisy:--cold-heartedness, or unkindness in
disguise. There are persons who can smile upon a victim, and talk
smoothly, while they injure, deceive, or betray. And they will take
credit to themselves, that all has been done with the utmost
_politeness_; that every tone, look, and action, has been in perfect
keeping with the rules of good breeding. "The words of their mouth are
smoother than butter, but war is in their heart: their words are softer
than oil, yet are they drawn swords." Perish for ever and ever such
spurious politeness as this!
Politeness is not servility. If it were so, a Russian serf would be a
model of politeness. It is very possible for persons to be very cringing
and obsequious, without a single atom of politeness; and it often
happens that men of the most sturdy independence of character, are
essentially polite in all their words, actions, and feelings. It were
well for this to be fully understood, for many people will abstain from
acts of real politeness, and even of common civility, for fear of
damaging their fancied independence.
True politeness, as I understand it, is kindness and courtesy of feeling
brought into every-day exercise. It comprehends hearty good will towards
everybody, thorough and constant good-humor, an easy deportment, and
obliging manners. Every person who cultivates such feelings, and takes
no pains to conceal them, will necessarily be polite, though she may not
exactly know it; while, on the other hand, a woman essentially morose
and selfish, whatever may be her pretensions, must be very far from
truly polite.
It is very true there are those whose position in society compels them
to observe certain rules of etiquette which pass for politeness. They
bow or courtesy with a decent grace; shake hands with the precise degree
of vigor which the circumstances of the case require; speak just at the
right time, and in the required manner, and smile with elegant
propriety. Not a tone, look, or gesture, is out of place; not a habit
indulged which etiquette forbids; and yet, there will be wanting, after
all, the secret charm of sincerity and heart kindness, which those
outward signs are intended to represent; and, wanting which, we have
only the form, without the essence, of politeness.
Let me recommend, therefore, far beyond all the rules ever penned by
teachers of etiquette, the cultivation of kind and loving feelings.
Throw your whole soul into the lesson, and you will advance rapidly
towards the perfection of politeness, for "out of the abundance of the
heart the mouth speaketh," and the movements of your form and the words
you utter will follow faithfully the hidden springs of action within.
There cannot be genuine good breeding to any happy degree, where there
is not self-respect. It is that which imparts ease and confidence to our
manners, and impels us, for our own sake, as well as for the sake of
others, to behave becomingly as intelligent beings.
It is a want of true politeness that introduces the discord and
confusion which too often make our homes unhappy. A little consideration
for the feelings of those whom we are bound to love and cherish, and a
little sacrifice of our own wills, would, in multitudes of instances,
make all the difference between alienation and growing affection. The
principle of genuine politeness would accomplish this; and what a pity
it is that those whose only spring of rational enjoyment is to be found
at _home_, should miss that enjoyment by a disregard of little things,
which, after all, make up the sum of human existence!
What a large amount of actual discomfort in domestic life would be
prevented, if all children were trained, both by precept and example, to
the practice of common politeness! If they were taught to speak
respectfully to parents, and brothers, and sisters, to friends,
neighbors, and strangers, what bawlings, and snarlings would be stilled!
If their behavior within doors, and especially at the table, were
regulated by a few of the common rules of good breeding, how much
natural and proper disgust would be spared! If courtesy of demeanor,
towards all whom they meet in field or highway, were instilled, how much
more pleasant would be our town travels, and our rustic rambles! Every
parent has a personal interest in this matter; and if every parent would
but make the needful effort, a great degree of gross incivility, and
consequent annoyance, would soon be swept away from our hearths and
homes.
Whilst earnestly endeavoring to acquire true politeness, avoid that
spurious imitation, affectation. It is to genuine politeness and good
breeding, what the showy paste is to the pure diamond. It is the
offspring of a sickly taste, a deceitful heart, and a sure proof of low
breeding.
The certain test of affectation in any individual, is the looking,
speaking, moving, or acting in any way different when in the presence of
others, especially those whose opinion we regard and whose approbation
we desire, from what we should do in solitude, or in the presence of
those only whom we disregard, or who we think cannot injure or benefit
us. The motive for resisting affectation is, that it is both
unsuccessful and sinful. It always involves a degree of hypocrisy, which
is exceedingly offensive in the sight of God, which is generally
detected even by men, and which, when detected, exposes its subject to
contempt which could never have been excited by the mere absence of any
quality or possession, as it is by the false assumption of what is not
real. The best cure for affectation is the cultivation, on principle, of
every good, virtuous, and amiable habit and feeling, not for the sake of
being approved or admired, but because it is right in itself, and
without considering what people will think of it. Thus a real character
will be formed instead of a part being assumed, and admiration and love
will be spontaneously bestowed where they are really deserved.
Artificial manners are easily seen through; and the result of such
observations, however accomplished and beautiful the object may be, is
contempt for such littleness.
Many ladies, moving, too, in good society, will affect a forward, bold
manner, very disagreeable to persons of sense. They will tell of their
wondrous feats, when engaged in pursuits only suited for men; they will
converse in a loud, boisterous tone; laugh loudly; sing comic songs, or
dashing bravuras in a style only fit for the stage or a gentleman's
after-dinner party; they will lay wagers, give broad hints and then
brag of their success in forcing invitations or presents; interlard
their conversation with slang words or phrases suited only to the stable
or bar-room, and this they think is a dashing, fascinating manner. It
may be encouraged, admired, in their presence, by gentlemen, and
imitated by younger ladies, but, be sure, it is looked upon with
contempt, and disapproval by every one of good sense, and that to
persons of real refinement it is absolutely disgusting.
Other ladies, taking quite as mistaken a view of real refinement, will
affect the most childish timidity, converse only in whispers, move
slowly as an invalid, faint at the shortest notice, and on the slightest
provocation; be easily moved to tears, and profess never to eat, drink,
or sleep. This course is as absurd as the other, and much more
troublesome, as everybody dreads the scene which will follow any shock
to the dear creature's nerves, and will be careful to avoid any
dangerous topics.
Self-respect, and a proper deference for our superiors in age or
intellect, will be the best safeguards against either a cringing or
insolent manner.
Without self-respect you will be apt to be both awkward and bashful;
either of which faults are entirely inconsistent with a graceful manner.
Be careful that while you have sufficient self-respect to make your
manner easy, it does not become arrogance and so engender insolence.
Avoid sarcasm; it will, unconsciously to yourself, degenerate into
pertness, and often downright rudeness. Do not be afraid to speak
candidly, but temper candor with courtesy, and never let wit run into
that satire that will wound deeply, whilst it amuses only slightly.
Let your carriage be at once dignified and graceful. There are but few
figures that will bear quick motion; with almost every one its effect is
that of a jerk, a most awkward movement. Let the feet, in walking or
dancing, be turned out slightly; when you are seated, rest them both on
the floor or a footstool. To sit with the knees or feet crossed or
doubled up, is awkward and unlady-like. Carry your arms, in walking,
easily; never crossing them stiffly or swinging them beside you. When
seated, if you are not sewing or knitting, keep your hands perfectly
quiet. This, whilst one of the most difficult accomplishments to attain,
is the surest mark of a lady. Do not fidget, playing with your rings,
brooch, or any little article that may be near you; let your hands rest
in an easy, natural position, perfectly quiet.
Never gesticulate when conversing; it looks theatrical, and is ill-bred;
so are all contortions of the features, shrugging of shoulders, raising
of the eyebrows, or hands.
When you open a conversation, do so with a slight bow and smile, but be
careful not to simper, and not to smile too often, if the conversation
becomes serious.
Never point. It is excessively ill-bred.
Avoid exclamations; they are in excessively bad taste, and are apt to be
vulgar words. A lady may express as much polite surprise or concern by a
few simple, earnest words, or in her manner, as she can by exclaiming
"Good gracious!" "Mercy!" or "Dear me!"
Remember that every part of your person and dress should be in perfect
order before you leave the dressing-room, and avoid all such tricks as
smoothing your hair with your hand, arranging your curls, pulling the
waist of your dress down, or settling your collar or sleeves.
Avoid lounging attitudes, they are indelicate, except in your own
private apartment. Nothing but ill health will excuse them before
company, and a lady had better keep her room if she is too feeble to sit
up in the drawing-room.
Let your deportment suit your age and figure; to see a tiny, fairy-like
young girl, marching erect, stiff, and awkwardly, like a soldier on
parade, is not more absurd than to see a middle-aged, portly woman,
aping the romping, hoydenish manners of a school-girl.
Let the movements be easy and flexible, and accord with the style of the
lady.
Let your demeanor be always marked by modesty and simplicity; as soon as
you become forward or affected, you have lost your greatest charm of
manner.
You should be quite as anxious to _talk_ with propriety as you are to
think, work, sing, paint, or write, according to the most correct rules.
Always select words calculated to convey an exact impression of your
meaning.
Let your articulation be easy, clear, correct in accent, and suited in
tone and emphasis to your discourse.
Avoid a muttering, mouthing, stuttering, droning, guttural, nasal, or
lisping, pronunciation.
Let your speech be neither too loud nor too low; but adjusted to the ear
of your companion. Try to prevent the necessity of any person crying,
"What? What?"
Avoid a loquacious propensity; you should never occupy more than your
share of the time, or more than is agreeable to others.
Beware of such vulgar interpolations as "You know," "You see," "I'll
tell you what."
Pay a strict regard to the rules of grammar, even in private
conversation. If you do not understand these rules, learn them, whatever
be your age or station.
Though you should always speak pleasantly, do not mix your conversation
with loud bursts of laughter.
Never indulge in uncommon words, or in Latin and French phrases, but
choose the best understood terms to express your meaning.
Above all, let your conversation be intellectual, graceful, chaste,
discreet, edifying, and profitable.