VISITING.
ETIQUETTE FOR THE GUEST.
As a first rule with regard to paying a visit, the best one is, never to
accept a _general_ invitation. Instances are very common where women (I
cannot say _ladies_) have, upon a slight acquaintance, and a "When you
are in C---- I should be very happy to have you visit me," actually gone
to C---- from their own home, and, with bag and baggage, quartered
themselves upon the hospitality of their newly made friend, for weeks at
a time.
Even where there is a long standing friendship it is not well to visit
uninvited. It is impossible for you, in another city, to know exactly
when it will be convenient for your friend to have you visit her, unless
she tells you, and that will, of course, be a special invitation.
If your friends are really desirous to have you pay them a visit, they
will name a time when it will be convenient and agreeable to have you
come, and you may accept the invitation with the certainty that you will
not incommode them.
Self-proposed visits are still worse. You, in a manner, force an
invitation from your friend when you tell her that you can come at a
certain time, unless you have previously arranged to let her know when
you can be her guest. In that case, your own time is understood to be
the most agreeable for her.
If, whilst traveling, you pass through a town where you have friends
whom you wish to visit, and who would be hurt if you omitted to do so,
go first to a hotel, and either call or send word that you are there.
Then, it is optional with them to extend their hospitality or not. Do
not be offended if it is not done. The love for you may be undiminished,
and the desire to entertain you very great, yet family reasons may
render such an invitation as you expect, impossible. Your friend may
have engagements or duties at the time, that would prevent her making
the visit pleasant for you, and wish to postpone the invitation until
she can entertain you as she wishes.
To drive, trunks and all, in such a case, to your friend's house,
without a word of warning, is unkind, as well as ill-bred. You force her
to invite you to stay, when it may be inconvenient, and, even if she is
really glad to see you, and wishes you to make a prolonged visit, you
may feel certain she would have preferred to know you were coming. If
she really loves you, her natural desire would be to have everything
ready to give you a comfortable reception, and not have to leave you,
perhaps with your traveling costume on, for an hour or two, while she
prepares a room for you. It is not enough to say, at such a time, "Don't
mind me," or, "Treat me as one of the family." However much her
politeness or love may conceal annoyance, be sure, in her secret heart
she _does_ mind you, and remember you are _not_ one of her private
family.
To take the liberty of going to the house of a mere acquaintance, for a
night or two, while traveling, without invitation, is making a
convenience of them, and wears the appearance of wishing to save the
customary hotel-bill, so, while it is extremely ill-bred and
impertinent, it is also excessively mean.
In case of relationship, or long intimate friendship, an unexpected
visit may be pardoned and give pleasure, but it is better to avoid it,
as the pleasure will surely be increased if your relative or friend has
time to prepare for your reception as her love will prompt, and arrange
her duties and engagements to really enjoy your company.
When you receive an invitation by letter to visit a friend, answer it
immediately, thanking her for her proffered hospitality, and say
decidedly then whether you can accept or decline.
If you accept the invitation, state in your letter by what train, and at
what hour you will arrive, that she may meet you, and let nothing but
positive necessity keep you from being punctually at the time and place
appointed. To linger by the way, for mere pleasure, and make her come
several times to meet you, is unkind, as well as ill-bred. If you are
unavoidably detained, write to her, state the reason that will prevent
your keeping the appointment, and name another time when you can come.
It is well in answering a letter of invitation, to state the limits of
your visit, and then to keep them. If she is unwilling to let you go,
and you are tempted to stay, that very fact promises well for the
pleasure of a second visit. It is better to leave while all will regret
you, than to linger on until you have worn out your welcome.
Inquire, as soon as possible after your arrival, what are the regular
habits of the family; the hours for rising, for meals, and for retiring,
and then be punctual in your attendance. Many ladies are very
ceremonious about waiting for a guest, and by delay in your room, or
inattention to the time, when you are out, you will keep the whole
family waiting.
If you do not wake early enough for the usual breakfast hour, request
the chambermaid to knock at your door in time for you to be ready to go
down with the family. Before you leave your room in the morning, take
the clothes off your bed, throw the upper bed over the foot-board, and
then open all the windows (unless it storms), that room and bed may be
thoroughly aired before you sit there again.
After breakfast, ask your hostess if you can be of any assistance to her
in the household duties. If she declines your services, do not follow
her from room to room whilst she is thus engaged, but take your work,
books, or music to the sitting room or parlor, until your own room is
ready for you. By thus proving that you can occupy yourself pleasantly,
while she is away, you make it less annoying to her to feel the
obligation to leave you.
As soon as you see that she is ready to sew and chat, leave your book,
or, if in your own room, come to the sitting room, where she is, and
work with her. It is polite and kind, if you see that she has a large
supply of family sewing, to offer to assist her, but if she positively
declines your aid, then have some work of your own on hand, that you may
sew with her. Many pleasant mornings may be spent while visiting, by one
lady reading aloud whilst the other sews, alternating the work.
It is a pretty compliment to repay the hospitality of your hostess, by
working whilst with her upon some piece of fancy work, a chair cover,
sofa cushion, or pair of ottomans, presenting them to her when finished,
as a keepsake. They will be duly appreciated, and remind her constantly
of the pleasures of your visit.
If you pass the morning out of the house, remember your time is hers,
and have no engagement to interfere with the plans she has laid for
entertaining you. Observe this rule during your whole visit, and do not
act independent of her plans. By constantly forming engagements without
her knowledge, going out without her, or staying in when she has made
some excursion or party for your pleasure, you insult her, by intimating
that her house is no more to you than a hotel, to sleep and eat in,
while your pleasures lie elsewhere.
After dinner, retire for an hour to your own room, that your hostess may
lie down if she is accustomed to do so. If the hours kept are later than
you have been accustomed to, or if the gayety of the family keeps you
out at party or opera, it is best to sleep after dinner, even if you do
not always do it. To give signs of weariness in the evening will be
excessively rude, implying want of enjoyment, and making your hostess
feel hurt and annoyed.
If you have shopping to do, find out where the best stores are, and then
go to them alone, unless your hostess will accompany you upon similar
business of her own. Do not tax her good nature to go, merely for the
sake of aiding you as guide. If one of the children in the family is
familiar with the stores and streets, ask her to accompany you, and be
careful to acknowledge the kindness by buying something especially for
the child whilst she is out with you, if it is only some cakes or
bonbons. Choose an hour when you are certain your hostess has made no
other engagement for you, or while she is busy in her domestic duties,
for these shopping excursions. Offer, when you are going, to attend to
any shopping she may want, and ask if there is any commission you can
execute for her while you are out.
While on a visit to one friend, do not accept too many invitations from
others, and avoid spending too much time in paying calls where your
hostess is not acquainted. You owe the greater portion of your time and
society to the lady whose hospitality you are accepting, and it is best
to decline invitations from other houses, unless they inclose one for
your hostess also.
Avoid paying any visits in a family not upon good terms with your
hostess. If such a family are very dear friends of your own, or you can
claim an acquaintance, pleasant upon both sides, with them, write, and
state candidly the reason why you cannot visit them, and they will
appreciate your delicacy.
If, while on a visit to one friend, you receive an invitation to spend
some time with another friend in the same place, accept it for the
period which you have named as the termination of your first visit. You
insult your hostess by shortening your visit to her to accept another
invitation, and quite as much of an insult is it, to take the time from
the first visit to go to pay another, and then return to your first
hostess, unless such an arrangement has been made immediately upon your
arrival.
Never invite any friend who may call upon you to stay to dinner or tea;
you will be taking a most unwarrantable liberty in so doing. This is the
right of your hostess, and if, by her silence, she tacitly declines
extending this courtesy, you will be guilty of impertinence in usurping
her privilege.
Never take any one who calls upon you into any room but the parlor,
unless invited to do so by your hostess. You have, of course, the
_entree_ of other rooms, but you have no right to extend this privilege
to others.
If you have many gentlemen visiters, check too frequent calls, and make
no appointments with them. If they show you any such attention as to
offer to drive you to places of interest, or visit with you picture
galleries or public places, always consult your hostess before accepting
such civilities, and decline them if she has made other engagements for
you. If you receive an invitation to visit any place of public
amusement, decline it, unless one of the family with whom you are
staying is also invited. In that case you may accept. If the gentleman
who invites you is a stranger to the family, introduce him to your
hostess, or mention her name in conversation. He will then, if he
really desires you to accept his proffered attention, include her in the
invitation.
When visiting in a family where the members are in mourning, decline all
invitations to parties or places of public amusement. It is an insult to
them to leave them to join in pleasure from which their recent
affliction excludes them. Your visit at such a time will be prompted by
sympathy in their trouble, and for the time it is thoughtful and
delicate to make their sorrows yours.
If sudden sickness or family trouble come to your friend whilst you are
with her, _unless you can really be useful_, shorten your visit. In time
of trouble families generally like to be alone, all in all to each
other; and a visitor is felt a constant restraint.
If death comes while you are with your friend, endeavor to take from her
as much of the care as you can, a really sympathizing friend is an
inexpressible comfort at such a time, as the trying details which must
be taken in charge by some one, will be less trying to her than to a
member of the family. Do the necessary shopping for your friend, and
relieve her of as much family care as you can. Let her feel that you are
really glad that you are near her in her affliction, and repay the
hospitality she offered in her season of joy by showing her that her
sorrow makes her still more dear, and that, while you can enjoy the
gayety of her house, you will not flee from its mourning. When your
presence can be of no further service, then leave her.
Put out your washing and ironing when on a visit. It is annoying and
ill-bred to throw your soiled clothes into the family wash.
Take with you, from home, all the writing and sewing materials you may
require while paying your visit. It is annoying to be constantly
requested by a visitor to lend her scissors, pins, needles, or paper; no
lady should be without her own portfolio and work-box.
Be very careful not to injure any article of furniture in your sleeping
apartment, and if, unfortunately, anything suffers from your
carelessness, have the accident repaired, or the article replaced, at
your own expense.
When your visit is over, give a present to each of the servants, varying
its value, according to the length of your visit or the services you may
have required. You will add to the pleasure by presenting such gifts
yourself, with a few pleasant words.
Never compare the house you may be visiting with your own, or any other
you may visit. Avoid also speaking of any house where you may have been
a guest in terms of overpraise, giving glowing pictures of its splendor.
Your hostess may imagine you are drawing comparisons unfavorable to your
present residence. Also avoid speaking unfavorably of any former visit,
as your hostess will naturally conclude that her turn for censure will
come as soon as your visit is over.
If any family secret comes to your knowledge while you are on a visit in
that family, remember the hospitality extended to you binds you to the
most inviolable secrecy. It is mean, contemptible, rude, and ill-bred to
make your entertainers regret their hospitality by betraying any such
confidence; for it is as sacred a confidence as if you were bound over
to silence in the most solemn manner.
After paying a visit, you should write to your hostess as soon as you
reach home again; thank her in this letter for her hospitality, speak
warmly of the enjoyment you have had in your recent visit, and mention
by name every member of the family, desiring to be remembered to all.