AFTER DIVERS UNSUCCESSFUL EFFORTS, HE HAS RECOURSE TO THE MATRIMONIAL
NOOSE.
Chancing to meet with one of his acquaintance at a certain coffee-house,
the discourse turned upon the characters of mankind, when, among other
oddities, his friend brought upon the carpet a certain old gentlewoman of
such a rapacious disposition, that, like a jackdaw, she never beheld any
metalline substance, without an inclination, and even an effort to
secrete it for her own use and contemplation. Nor was this infirmity
originally produced from indigence, inasmuch as her circumstances had
been always affluent, and she was now possessed of a considerable sum of
money in the funds; notwithstanding which, the avarice of her nature
tempted her to let lodgings, though few people could live under the same
roof with such an original, who, rather than be idle, had often filched
pieces of her own plate, and charged her servants with the theft, or
hinted suspicion of her lodgers. Fathom, struck with the description,
soon perceived how this woman's disease might be converted to his
advantage; and after having obtained sufficient intelligence, on pretence
of satisfying his curiosity, he visited the widow, in consequence of a
bill at her door, and actually hired an apartment in her house, whither
he forthwith repaired with his inamorata.
It was not long before he perceived that his landlady's character had not
been misrepresented. He fed her distemper with divers inconsiderable
trinkets, such as copper medals, corkscrews, odd buckles, and a paltry
seal set in silver, which were, at different times, laid as baits for her
infirmity, and always conveyed away with remarkable eagerness, which he
and his Dulcinea took pleasure in observing from an unsuspected place.
Thus confirmed in his opinion, he, at length, took an opportunity of
exposing a metal watch that belonged to his mistress, and saw it seized
with great satisfaction, in the absence of his helpmate, who had gone
abroad on purpose. According to instruction, she soon returned, and
began to raise a terrible clamour about the loss of her watch; upon which
she was condoled by her landlady, who seemed to doubt the integrity of
the maid, and even proposed that Mrs. Fathom should apply to some justice
of the peace for a warrant to search the servant's trunk. The lady
thanked her for the good advice, in compliance with which she had
immediate recourse to a magistrate, who granted a search warrant, not
against the maid, but the mistress; and she, in a little time, returned
with the constable at her back.
These precautions being taken, Doctor Fathom desired a private conference
with the old gentlewoman, in which he gave her to understand, that he had
undoubted proofs of her having secreted, not only the watch, but also
several other odd things of less consequence, which he lost since his
residence in her house. He then showed the warrant he had obtained
against her, and asked if she had anything to offer why the constable
should not do his duty? Inexpressible were the anguish and confusion of
the defendant, when she found herself thus entrapped, and reflected, that
she was on the point of being detected of felony; for she at once
concluded, that the snare was laid for her, and knew that the officer of
justice would certainly find the unlucky watch in one of the drawers of
her scrutoire.
Tortured with these suggestions, afraid of public disgrace, and dreading
the consequence of legal conviction, she fell on her knees before the
injured Fathom, and, after having imputed her crime to the temptations of
necessity, implored his compassion, promised to restore the watch, and
everything she had taken, and begged he would dismiss the constable, that
her reputation might not suffer in the eye of the world.
Ferdinand, with a severity of countenance purposely assumed, observed
that, were she really indigent, he had charity enough to forgive what she
had done; but, as he knew her circumstances were opulent, he looked upon
this excuse as an aggravation of her guilt, which was certainly the
effect of a vicious inclination; and he was therefore determined to
prosecute her with the utmost severity of the law, as an example and
terror to others, who might be infected with the same evil disposition.
Finding him deaf to all her tears and entreaties, she changed her note,
and offered him one hundred guineas, if he would compromise the affair,
and drop the prosecution, so as that her character should sustain no
damage. After much argumentation, he consented to accept of double the
sum, which being instantly paid in East India bonds, Doctor Fathom told
the constable, that the watch was found; and for once her reputation was
patched up. This seasonable supply enabled our hero to stand trial with
his adversary, who was nonsuited, and also to mend his external
appearance, which of late had not been extremely magnificent.
Soon after this gleam of good fortune, a tradesman, to whom he was
considerably indebted, seeing no other probable means to recover his
money, introduced Fathom to the acquaintance of a young widow who lodged
at his house, and was said to be in possession of a considerable fortune.
Considering the steps that were taken, it would have been almost
impossible for him to miscarry in his addresses. The lady had been bred
in the country, was unacquainted with the world, and of a very sanguine
disposition, which her short trial of matrimony had not served to cool.
Our adventurer was instructed to call at the tradesman's house, as if
by accident, at an appointed time, when the widow was drinking tea with
her landlady. On these occasions he always behaved to admiration. She
liked his person, and praised his politeness, good-humour, and good
sense; his confederates extolled him as a prodigy of learning, taste,
and good-nature; they likewise represented him as a person on the eve of
eclipsing all his competitors in physic. An acquaintance and intimacy
soon ensued, nor was he restricted in point of opportunity. In a word,
he succeeded in his endeavours, and, one evening, on pretence of
attending her to the play, he accompanied her to the Fleet, where they
were married, in presence of the tradesman and his wife, who were of the
party.
This grand affair being accomplished to his satisfaction, he, next day,
visited her brother, who was a counsellor of the Temple, to make him
acquainted with the step his sister had taken; and though the lawyer was
not a little mortified to find that she had made such a clandestine
match, he behaved civilly to his new brother-in-law, and gave him to
understand, that his wife's fortune consisted of a jointure of one
hundred and fifty pounds a year, and fifteen hundred pounds bequeathed to
her during her widowhood, by her own father, who had taken the precaution
of settling it in the hands of trustees, in such a manner as that any
husband she might afterwards espouse should be restricted from
encroaching upon the capital, which was reserved for the benefit of her
heirs. This intimation was far from being agreeable to our hero, who had
been informed, that this sum was absolutely at the lady's disposal, and
had actually destined the greatest part of it for the payment of his
debts, for defraying the expense of furnishing an elegant house, and
setting up a new equipage.
Notwithstanding this disappointment, he resolved to carry on his plan
upon the credit of his marriage, which was published in a very pompous
article of the newspapers; a chariot was bespoke, a ready furnished house
immediately taken, and Doctor Fathom began to reappear in all his former
splendour.
His good friend the empiric, alarmed at this event, which not only raised
our adventurer into the sphere of a dangerous rival, but also furnished
him with means to revenge the ill office he had sustained at his hands on
the adventure of the former match--for, by this time, Fathom had given
him some hints, importing, that he was not ignorant of his treacherous
behaviour--roused, I say, by these considerations, he employed one of his
emissaries, who had some knowledge of Fathom's brother-in-law, to
prejudice him against our adventurer, whom he represented as a needy
sharper, not only overwhelmed with debt and disgrace, but likewise
previously married to a poor woman, who was prevented by nothing but want
from seeking redress at law. To confirm these assertions, he gave him a
detail of Fathom's encumbrances, which he had learned for the purpose,
and even brought the counsellor into company with the person who had
lived with our hero before marriage, and who was so much incensed at her
abrupt dismission, that she did not scruple to corroborate these
allegations of the informer.
The lawyer, startled at this intelligence, set on foot a minute inquiry
into the life and conversation of the doctor, which turned out so little
to the advantage of his character and circumstances, that he resolved, if
possible, to disunite him from his family; and, as a previous step,
repeated to his sister all that he had heard to the prejudice of her
husband, not forgetting to produce the evidence of his mistress, who laid
claim to him by a prior title, which, she pretended, could be proved by
the testimony of the clergyman who joined them. Such an explanation
could not fail to inflame the resentment of the injured wife, who, at the
very first opportunity, giving a loose to the impetuosity of her temper,
upbraided our hero with the most bitter invectives for his perfidious
dealing.
Ferdinand, conscious of his own innocence, which he had not always to
plead, far from attempting to soothe her indignation, assumed the
authority and prerogative of a husband, and sharply reprehended her for
her credulity and indecent warmth. This rebuke, instead of silencing,
gave new spirit and volubility to her reproaches, in the course of which
she plainly taxed him with want of honesty and affection, and said that,
though his pretence was love, his aim was no other than a base design
upon her fortune.
Fathom, stung with these accusations, which he really did not deserve,
replied with uncommon heat, and charged her in his turn with want of
sincerity and candour, in the false account she had given of that same
fortune before marriage. He even magnified his own condescension, in
surrendering his liberty to a woman who had so little to recommend her to
the addresses of the other sex; a reflection which provoked this mild
creature to such a degree of animosity, that, forgetting her duty and
allegiance, she lent him a box on the ear with such energy as made his
eyes water; and he, for the honour of manhood and sovereignty, having
washed her face with a dish of tea, withdrew abruptly to a coffee-house
in the neighbourhood, where he had not long remained, when his passion
subsided, and he then saw the expediency of an immediate reconciliation,
which he resolved to purchase, even at the expense of a submission.
It was pity that such a salutary resolution had not been sooner taken.
For, when he returned to his own house, he understood, that Mrs. Fathom
had gone abroad in a hackney-coach; and, upon examining her apartment, in
lieu of her clothes and trinkets, which she had removed with admirable
dexterity and despatch, he found this billet in one of the drawers of her
bureau:--"Sir, being convinced that you are a cheat and an impostor, I
have withdrawn myself from your cruelty and machinations, with a view to
solicit the protection of the law; and I doubt not but I shall soon be
able to prove, that you have no just title to, or demand upon, the person
or effects of the unfortunate Sarah Muddy."
The time had been when Mr. Fathom would have allowed Mrs. Muddy to refine
at her leisure, and blessed God for his happy deliverance; but at present
the case was quite altered. Smarting as he was from the expense of
lawsuits, he dreaded a prosecution for bigamy, which, though he had
justice on his side, he knew he could not of himself support. Besides,
all his other schemes of life were frustrated by this unlucky elopement.
He therefore speedily determined to anticipate, as much as in him lay,
the malice of his enemies, and to obtain, without delay, authentic
documents of his marriage. With this view, he hastened to the house of
the tradesman, who, with his wife, had been witness to the ceremony and
consummation; and, in order to interest them the more warmly in his
cause, made a pathetic recital of this unhappy breach, in which he had
suffered such injury and insult. But all his rhetoric would not avail.
Mrs. Muddy had been beforehand with him, and had proved the better orator
of the two; for she had assailed this honest couple with such tropes and
figures of eloquence, as were altogether irresistible.
Nevertheless, they heard our hero to an end, with great patience. Then
the wife, who was the common mouth upon all such occasions, contracting
her features into a very formal disposition, "I'll assure you," said she,
"Doctor Fathom, my husband and I have been in a very great terrification
and numplush, to hear such bad things of a person, whom, as one may say,
we thought a worthy gentleman, and were ready to serve at all times, by
day and by night, as the saying is. And besides, for all that, you know,
and God knows, as we are dustrious people, and work hard for what we get,
and we have served gentlemen to our own harm, whereby my husband was last
Tuesday served with a siserary, being that he was bound for an officer
that ran away. And I said to my husband, Timothy, says I, 'tis a very
hard thing for one to ruin one's self for stranger people--There's Doctor
Fathom, says I, his account comes to nine-and-forty pounds seven
shillings and fourpence halfpenny; and you know, doctor, that was before
your last bill began. But, howsomever, little did I think, as how a
gentleman of your learning would go to deceive a poor gentlewoman, when
you had another wife alive."
In vain did our adventurer endeavour to vindicate himself from this
aspersion; the good woman, like a great many modern disputants, proceeded
with her declamation, without seeming to hear what was said on the other
side of the question; and the husband was altogether neutral. At length,
Ferdinand, finding all his protestations ineffectual, "Well," said he,
"though you are resolved, I see, to discredit all that I can say in
opposition to that scandalous slander, of which I can easily acquit
myself in a court of justice, surely you will not refuse to grant me a
certificate, signifying that you were present at the ceremony of my
marriage with this unhappy woman." "You shall excuse us," replied the
female orator; "people cannot be too wary in signing their names in this
wicked world; many a one has been brought to ruination by signing his
name, and my husband shall not, with my goodwill, draw himself into such
a primmineery."
Fathom, alarmed at this refusal, earnestly argued against the inhumanity
and injustice of it, appealing to their own consciences for the
reasonableness of his proposal; but, from the evasive answers of the
wife, he had reason to believe, that, long before the time of trial, they
would take care to have forgotten the whole transaction.
Though he was equally confounded and incensed at this instance of their
perfidy, he durst not manifest his indignation, conscious of the
advantage they had over him in divers respects; but repaired, without
loss of time, to the lodging of the clergyman who had noosed him,
resolved to consult his register, and secure his evidence. Here too his
evil genius had got the start of him; for the worthy ecclesiastic not
only could not recollect his features, or find his name in the register,
but, when importuned by his pressing remonstrances, took umbrage at the
freedom of his behaviour, and threatened, if he would not immediately
take himself away, to raise the posse of the Fleet, for the safety of his
own person.
Rather than put the pastor to the trouble of alarming his flock, he
retreated with a heavy heart, and went in quest of his mistress, whom he
had dismissed at his marriage, in hopes of effecting a reconciliation,
and preventing her from joining in the conspiracy against him. But,
alas! he met with such a reception as he had reason to expect from a
slighted woman, who had never felt any real attachment for his person.
She did not upbraid him with his cruelty in leaving her as a mistress,
but, with a species of effrontery never enough to be admired, reproached
him with his villany, in abandoning her, who was his true and lawful
wife, to go and ruin a poor gentlewoman, by whose fortune he had been
allured.
When he attempted to expostulate with this virago, upon the barbarity of
this assertion, she very prudently declined engaging in private
conversation with such an artful and wicked man; and, calling up the
people of the house, insisted upon his being conducted to the door.