Places all enjoyment in spending, as a covetous man does in getting, and
both are treated at a witch's feast, where nothing feeds but only the
imagination, and like two madmen, that believe themselves to be the same
prince, laugh at one another. He values his pleasures as they do honour,
by the difficulty and dearness of the purchase, not the worth of the
thing; and the more he pays the better he believes he ought to be
pleased, as women are fondest of those children which they have groaned
most for. His tongue is like a great practiser's in law, for as the one
will not stir, so the other will not taste without a great fee. He never
reckons what a thing costs by what it is worth, but what it is worth by
what it costs. All his senses are like corrupt judges, that will
understand nothing until they are thoroughly informed and satisfied with
a convincing bribe. He relishes no meat but by the rate, and a high
price is like sauce to it, that gives it a high taste and renders it
savoury to his palate. He believes there is nothing dear, nor ought to
be so, that does not cost much, and that the dearest bought is always
the cheapest. He tastes all wines by the smallness of the bottles and
the greatness of the price, and when he is over-reckoned takes it as an
extraordinary value set upon him, as Dutchmen always reckon by the
dignity of the person, not the charge of the entertainment he receives,
put his quality and titles into the bill of fare, and make him pay for
feeding upon his own honour and right-worship, which he brought along
with him. He debauches his gluttony with an unnatural appetite to things
never intended for food, like preposterous venery or the unnatural
mixtures of beasts of several kinds. He is as curious of his pleasures
as an antiquary of his rarities, and cares for none but such as are very
choice and difficult to be gotten, disdains anything that is common,
unless it be his women, which he esteems a common good, and therefore
the more communicative the better. All his vices are, like children that
have been nicely bred, a great charge to him, and it costs him dear to
maintain them like themselves, according to their birth and breeding;
but he, like a tender parent, had rather suffer want himself than they
should, for he considers a man's vices are his own flesh and blood, and
though they are but by-blows, he is bound to provide for them, out of
natural affection, as well as if they were lawfully begotten.