Is a common nuisance, and as great a grievance to those that come near
him as a pewterer is to his neighbours. His discourse is like the
braying of a mortar, the more impertinent the more voluble and loud, as
a pestle makes more noise when it is rung on the sides of a mortar than
when it stamps downright and hits upon the business. A dog that opens
upon a wrong scent will do it oftener than one that never opens but upon
a right. He is as long-winded as a ventiduct that fills as fast as it
empties, or a trade-wind that blows one way for half-a-year together,
and another as long, as if it drew in its breath for six months, and
blew it out again for six more. He has no mercy on any man's ears or
patience that he can get within his sphere of activity, but tortures
him, as they correct boys in Scotland, by stretching their lugs without
remorse. He is like an earwig; when he gets within a man's ear he is not
easily to be got out again. He will stretch a story as unmercifully as
he does the ears of those he tells it to, and draw it out in length like
a breast of mutton at the Hercules pillars, or a piece of cloth set on
the tenters, till it is quite spoiled and good for nothing. If he be an
orator that speaks _distincté et ornaté_, though not _apté_, he delivers
his circumstances with the same mature deliberation that one that drinks
with a gusto swallows his wine, as if he were loth to part with it
sooner than he must of necessity; or a gamester that pulls the cards
that are dealt him one by one, to enjoy the pleasure more distinctly of
seeing what game he has in his hand. He takes so much pleasure to hear
himself speak, that he does not perceive with what uneasiness other men
endure him, though they express it ever so plainly; for he is so
diverted with his own entertainment of himself, that he is not at
leisure to take notice of any else. He is a siren to himself, and has no
way to escape shipwreck but by having his mouth stopped instead of his
ears. He plays with his tongue as a cat does with her tail, and is
transported with the delight he gives himself of his own making. He
understands no happiness like that of having an opportunity to show his
abilities in public, and will venture to break his neck to show the
activity of his eloquence; for the tongue is not only the worst part of
a bad servant, but of an ill master that does not know how to govern it;
for then it is like Guzman's wife, very headstrong and not sure of foot.