question: “Whether I thought my little maiden-head was much less?” But
my attention was too much engrossed, too much inwrapped with all I saw,
to be able to give her any answer.
By this time the young gentelman had changed her posture from lying
breadth to length-wise on the coach: but her thighs were still spread,
and the mark lay fair for him, who now kneeling between them, displayed
to us a side view of that fierce erect machine of his, which threatened
no less than splitting the tender victim, who lay smiling at the
uplifted stroke, nor seemed to decline it. He looked upon his weapon
himself with some pleasure, and guiding it with his hand to the
inviting; slit, drew aside the lips, and lodged it (after some thrusts,
which Polly seemed even to assist) about half way; but there it stuck,
I suppose from its growing thickness: he draws it again, and just
wetting it with spittle, re-enters, and with ease sheathed it now up to
the hilt, at which Polly gave a deep sigh, which was quite another tone
than one of pain; he thrusts, she heaves, at first gently, and in a
regular cadence; but presently the transport began to be too violent to
observe any order or measure; their motions were too rapid, their
kisses too fierce’ and fervent for nature to support such fury long:
both seemed to me out of themselves: their eyes darted fires: “Oh! oh!
I can’t bear it. It is too much. I die. I am going,” were Polly’s
expressions of extasy: his joys were more silent: but soon broken
murmurs, sighs heart-fetched, and at length a dispatching thrust, as if
he would have forced himself up her body, and then the motionless
languor of all his limbs, all shewed that the die-away moment was come
upon him; which she gave signs of joining with by, the wild throwing of
her hands about, closing her eyes, and giving a deep sob, in which she
seemed to expire in an agony of bliss.
When he had finished his stroke, and got from off her, she lay still
without the least motion, breathless, as it should seem, with pleasure.
He replaced her again breadth-wise on the couch, unable to sit up, with
her thighs open, between which I could observe a kind of white liquid,
like froth, hanging about the outward lips of that recently opened
wound, which now glowed with a deeper red. Presently she gets up, and
throwing her arms round him, seemed far undelighted with the trial he
had put her to, to judge, at least by the fondness with which she eyed,
and hung upon him.
For my part, I will not pretend to describe what I felt over me during
this scene; but from that instant, adieu all fears of what man can do
unto me! they were now changed into such ardent desires, such
ungovernable longings, that I could have by the sleeve, and offered him
the bauble, which I now imagined the loss of would be a gain I could
not too soon procure myself.
Phœbe, who had more experience, and to whom such sights were not so
new, could not however, be unmoved at so warm a scene; and drawing me
away softly from the peeping hole, for fear of being overheard, guided
me as the door as possible, all passive and obedient to her least
signals.
Here was no room either to sit or lie, but making me stand with my back
towards the door, she lifted up my petticoats, and with her busy
fingers fell to visit and explore that part of me, where I was
perfectly sick and ready to die with desire; that the bare touch of her
finger, in that critical place, had the effect of a fire to a train,
and her hand instantly made her sensible to what a pitch I was wound
up, and melted by the sight she had thus procured me. Satisfied then
with her success, in allaying a heat that would have made me impatient
of seeing the continuation of the transactions between our amourous
couple, she brought me again to the crevice, so favourable to our
curiosity.
We had certainly been but a few instants away from it, and yet on our
return we saw everything in good forwardness for recommencing the
tender hostilities.
The young foreigner was sitting down, fronting us, on the coach, with
Polly upon one knee, who had her arms round his neck, whilst the
extreme whiteness of her skin was not undelightfully contrasted by the
smooth glossy brown of her lover’s.
But who could count the fierce, unnumbered kisses given and taken? In
which I could often discover their mouths were double tongued, and
seemed to favour the mutual insertion with the greatest gust and
delight.
In the meantime, his red-headed champion, that had so lately fled the
pit, quelled and abashed, was now recovered to the top of his
condition, perked and crested up between Polly’s thighs, who was not
wanting, on her part, to coax and keep it in good humour, stroking it,
with her head down, and receiving even its velvet tip between the lips
of not its proper mouth: whether it was to render it more glib and easy
of entrance, I could not tell; but it had such an effect, that the
young gentleman seemed by his eyes, that sparkled with more excited
lustre, and his inflamed countenance, to receive increase of pleasure.
He got up, and taking Polly in his arms, embraced her, and said
something too softly for me to hear, leading her withal to the foot of
the couch, and taking delight to slap her thighs and posteriors with
that stiff sinew of his, which hit them with a spring that he gave it
with his hand, and made them resound again, but her about as much as he
meant to hurt her, for she seemed to have as frolic a taste as himself.
But guess my surprise, when I saw the lazy young rogue lie down on his
back, and gently pull down Polly upon him, who giving way to his
humour, stradled, and with her hands conducted her blind favourite to
the right place; and following her impulse, ran directly upon the
flaming point of this weapon of pleasure, which she staked herself
upon, up pierced, and infixed to the extremest hair breadth of it: thus
she sat on him a few instants, enjoying and relishing her situation,
whilst he toyed with her provoking breasts. Sometimes she would stoop
to meet his kiss: but presently the sting of pleasure spurred them up
to fiercer action; then began the storm of heaves, which, from the
undermost combatant, were thrust at the same time, he crossing his
hands over her, and drawing her home to him with a sweet violence: the
inverted strokes of anvil over hammer soon brought on the critical
period, in which all the signs of a close conspiring extasy informed us
of the point they were at.
For me, I could bear to see no more; I was so overcome, so inflamed at
the second part of the same play, that, mad to an intolerable degree, I
hugged, I clasped Phœbe, as if she had wherewithal to relieve me.
Pleased however with, and pitying the taking she could feel me in, she
drew towards the door, and opening it softly as she could, we both got
off undiscovered, and reconducted me to my own room, where, unable to
keep my legs, in the agitation I was in, I instantly threw myself down
on the bed, where I lay transported, though ashamed at what I felt.
Phœbe lay down by me, and asked me archly, “if, now that I had seen the
enemy, and fully considered him, I was still afraid of him? or did I
think I could come to a close engagement with him?” To all which, not a
word on my side; I sighed, and could scarcely breathe. She takes hold
of my hand, and having rolled up her own petticoats, forced it half
strivingly, towards those parts, where, now grown more knowing, I
missed the main object of my wishes; and finding not even the shadow of
what I wanted, where every thing was so flat, or so hollow, in the
vexation I was in at it. I should have withdrawn my hand, but for fear
of disobliging her. Abandoning it then entirely to her management, she
made use of it as she thought proper, to procure herself rather the
shadow than the substance of any pleasure. For my part, I now pined for
more solid food, and promised tacitly to myself that I would not be put
off much longer with this foolery of woman to woman, of Mrs. Brown did
not soon provide me with the essential specific. In short, I had all
the air of not being able to wait the arrival of my lord B——, though he
was now expected in a very fews days: nor did I wait for him, for love
itself took charge of the disposal of me, in spite of interest, or
gross lust.
It was now two days after the closet scene, that I got up about six in
the morning, and leaving my bedfellow fast asleep, stole down, with no
other thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small garden,
which our back parlour opened into, and from which my confinement
debarred me, at the times company came to my house; but now sleep and
silence reigned all over it.
I opened the parlour door, and well surprised was I at seeing, by the
side of a fire half-out, a young gentleman in the old lady’s elbow
chair, with his legs laid upon another, fast asleep, and left there by
his thoughtless companions, who had drank him down, and then went off
with every one but his mistress, whilst he stayed behind by the
courtesy of the old matron, who would not disturb or turn him out in
that condition at one in the morning; and beds, it is more than
probable there were none to spare. On the table still remained the
punch bowl and glasses, stewed about in their usual disorder after a
drunken revel.
But when I drew nearer, to view the sleeping estray, heavens! what a
sight! No! term of years, no turn of fortune could ever eraze the
lightninglike impression his form made on me. Yes! dearest object of my
earliest passion, I command for ever the remembrance of thy first
appearance to my ravished eyes, it calls thee up, present; and I see
thee now.
Figure to yourself, Madam, fair stripling between eighteen and
nineteen, with his head reclined on one of the sides of the chair, his
hair disordered curls, irregularly shading a face, on which all the
roseate bloom of youth and all the manly graces conspired to fix my eye
sand heart; even the languour and paleness of his face, in which the
momentary triumph of the lily over the rose was owing to the excesses
of the night, gave an inexpressible sweetness to the finest features
imaginable: his eyes, closed in sleep, displayed the meeting edges of
their lids beautifully bordered with long eye-lashes; over which no
pencil could have described two more regular arches than those that
graced his forehead, which was high, perfectly white and smooth; then a
pair of vermilion lips, pouting and swelling to the touch, as if a bee
had freshly stung them, seemed to challenge me to get the gloves off
this lovely sleeper, had not the modesty and respect, which in both
sexes are inseparable from a true passion, checked my impulses.
But on seeing his shirt collar unbottoned, and bosom whiter than a
drift of snow, the pleasure of considering it could not bribe me to
lengthen it, at the hazard of a health that began to be my life’s
concern. Love, that made me timid, taught me to be tender too: with a
trembling hand I took hold of one of his, and waking him as gently as
possible, he started, and looking, at first a little wildly, said with
a voice that sent its harmonious sound to my heart: “Pray, child,
what-a-clock is it?” I told him, and added that he might catch cold if
he slept longer with his breast open in the cool of the morning air. On
this he thanked me with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with that of his
features and eyes; the last now broad open, and eagerly surveying me,
carried the surightly fires they sparkled with directly to my heart.
It seems, that having drank too freely before he came upon the rake
with some of his young companions, he had put himself out of a
condition to go through all the weapons with them, and crown the night
with a getting a mistress; so that seeing me in a loose undress, he did
not doubt but I was one of the misses of the house, sent in to repair
his loss of time; but though he seized that notion, and a very obvious
one it was, without hesitation, yet, whether my figure made a more than
ordinary impression on him, or whether it was his natural politeness,
he addressed me in a manner far from rude, though still on the foot of
one of the house pliers come to amuse him; and giving me the first kiss
that I ever relished from man in my life, asked me if I could favour
him with my company, assuring me that he would make it worth my while:
but had not even new-born love, that true refiner of lust, opposed so
sudden a surrender, the fear of being surprised by the house was a
sufficient bar to my compliance.
I told him then, in a tone set by love itself, that for reasons I had
not time to explain to him. I could not stay with him, and might even
ever see him again, with a sigh at these words, which broke from the
bottom of my heart. My conqueror, who, as he afterwards told me, had
been struck with my appearance, and liked me as much as he could think
of liking any one in my supposed way of life, asked me briskly at once,
if I would be kept by him, and that he would take a lodging for me
directly, and relieve me from any engagements he presumed I might be
under to the house.
Rash, sudden, undigested, even dangerous as this offer might be from a
perfect stranger, and that stranger a giddy boy, the prodigious love I
was struck with for him, had put a charm into every objection: I not
resisting, and blinded me to every objection; I could, at that instant,
have died for him: think if I could resist an invitation to live with
him! Thus my heart, beating strong to the proposal, dictated my answer,
after scarce a minute’s pause, that I would accept of his offer, and
make my escape to him in what way he pleased, and that I would be
entirely at his disposal, let it be good or bad. I have often since
wondered that so great an easiness did not disgust him, or make me too
cheap in his eyes, but my fate had so appointed it, that in his fears
of the hazzard of the town, he had been some time looking out for a
girl to take into keeping, and my person happening to hit his fancy, it
was by one of those miracles reserved to love, that we struck the
bargain in the instant, which we sealed by an exchange of kisses, that
the hopes of a more uninterrupted enjoyment engaged him to content
himself with.
Never, however, did dear youth carry in his head more wherewith to
justify the turning of a girl’s head, and making her set all
consequences at defiance, for the sake of following a gallant.
For, besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were assembled
in his form, he had an air of neatness and gentility, certain smartness
in the carriage and port of his head, that yet more distinguished him;
his eyes were sprightly and full of meaning; his looks had in them
something at once sweet and commanding; his complexion out-bloomed the
lovely coloured rose, whilst its inimitable tender vivid glow clearly
saved it from the reproach of wanting life, of raw and dough-like,
which is commonly made of those so extremely fair as he was.
Our little plan was, that I should get out about seven the next morning
(which I could readily promise, as I knew where to get the key of the
street door) and he would wait at the end of the street with a coach to
convey me safe off; after which, we would send, and clear any debt
incurred by my stay at Mrs. Brown’s, who, he only judged, in gross,
might not care to part with one, he thought, so fit to draw custom to
the house.
I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his having seen
such a person as me, for reasons I would explain to him more at
leisure. And then, for fear of miscarrying, by being seen together, I
tore myself from him with a bleeding heart, and stole up softly to my
room, where I found Phœbe still fast asleep, and hurrying off my few
clothes, lay down by her, with a mixture of joy and anxiety, that may
be easier conceived than expressed.
The risks of Mrs. Brown’s discovering my purpose, of disappointments,
misery, ruin, all vanished before this new-kindled flame. The seeing,
the touching, the being, if but for a night, with this idol of my fond
virgin heart, appeared to me a happiness above the purchase of my
liberty or life. He might use me ill, let him: he was the master,
happy, too happy, even to receive death at so dear a hand.
To this purpose were the reflections of the whole day, of which every
minute seemed to me a little eternity. How often did I visit the clock!
nay, was tempted to advance the tedious hand, as if that would have
advanced the time with it! Had those of the house had the least
observations on me, they must have remarked something extraordinary
from the discomposure I could not help betraying; especially when at
dinner mention was made of the charmingest youth having been there, and
stayed breakfast. “Oh! he was such a beauty!... I should have died for
him!... they would pull caps for him!...” and the like fooleries;
which, however, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to it to
smother the blaze of.
The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day, produced one good effect:
which was, that, through mere fatigue, I slept tolerably well till five
in the morning, when I got up, and having dressed myself, waited, under
the double tortures of fear and impatience, for the appointed hour. It
came at last, the dear, critical, dangerous hour came; and now,
supported only by the courage love lent me, I ventured, a tip-toe, down
stairs, leaving my box behind, for fear of being surprized with it in
going out.
I got to the street door, the key whereof was always laid on the chair
by our bed side, in trust with Phœbe, who having not the least
suspicion of my entertaining any design to go from them (nor, indeed,
had I, but the day before), made no reserve or concealment of it from
me. I opened the door with great ease; love, that emboldened, protected
me too: and now, got safe into the street, I saw my new guardian angel
waiting at a coach door, ready open. How I got to him I know not: I
suppose I flew; but I was in the coach in a trice, and he by the side
of me, with his arms clasped round me, and giving me the kiss of
welcome. The coachman had his orders, and drove to them.
My eyes were instantly filled with tears, but tears of the most
delicious delight; to find myself in the arms of that beauteous youth,
was a rapture that my little hear swam in; past or future were equally
out of the question with me; the present was as much as all my powers
of life were sufficient to bear the transport of, without fainting. Nor
were the most tender embraces, the most soothing expressions wanting on
his side, to assure me of his love, and of never giving me cause to
repent the bold step I had taken, in throwing myself thus entirely upon
his honour and generosity. But, alas! this was no merit in me, for I
was drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and, I did
what I did, because I could not help it.
In an instant, for time was now annihilated with me, we were landed at
a public house in Chelsea, hospitably commodious for the reception of
duet parties of pleasure, where a breakfast of chocolate was prepared
for us.
An old jolly stager, who kept it, and understood life perfectly well,
breakfasted with us, and leering archly at me, gave us both joy, and
said, “we were well paired, i’ faith! that a great many gentlemen and
ladies used his house, but he had never seen a handsomer couple... he
was sure I was a fresh piece... I looked so country, so innocent! well
my spouse was a lucky man!...” all which, common landlord’s cant, not
only pleased and soothed me, but helped to diver my confusion at being
with my new sovereign, whom, the minute approached, I began to fear to
be alone with: a timidity which true love had a greater share in than
even maiden bashful-ness.
I wished, I doated, I could have died for him; and yet, I know not how,
or why I dreaded the point which had been the object of my fiercest
wishes; my pulses beat fears, amidst a flush of the warmest desires.
This struggle of the passions, however, this conflict betwixt modesty
and lovesick longings, made me burst again into tears; which he took,
as he had done before, only for the remains of concern and emotion at
the suddenness of my change of condition, in committing myself to his
care; and, in consequence of that idea, did and said all that he
thought would most comfort and re-inspirit me.
After breakfast, Charles (the dear familiar name I must take the
liberty henceforward to distinguish my Adonis by), with a smile full of
meaning, took me gently by the hand, and said: “Come, my dear, I will
show you a room that commands a fine prospect over some gardens”; and
without waiting for an answer, in which he relieved me extremely, he
led me up into a chamber, airy and lightsome, where all seeing of
prospects was out of the question, except that of a bed, which had all
the air of recommending the room to him.
Charles had just slipped the bolt of the door, and running, caught me
in his arms, and lifting me from the ground, with his lips glued to
mine, bore me trembling, panting, dying with soft fears and tender
wishes, to the bed; where his impatience would not suffer him to
undress me, more than just unpinning my handkerchief and gowns, and
unlacing my stays.
My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warmest throbs, presented to
his sight and feeling the firm hard swell of a pair of young breast,
such as may be imagined of a girl not sixteen, fresh out of the
country, and never before handled: but even their pride, whiteness,
fashion, pleasing resistance to the touch, could not bribe his restless
hands from roving; but, giving them the loose, my petticoats and shift
were soon taken up, and their stronger center of attraction laid open
to their tender invasion. My fears, however, made me mechanically close
my thighs; but the very touch of his hand insinuated between them,
disclosed them and opened a way for the main attack.
In the mean time, I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his eyes
and hands, quiet and unresisting; which confirmed him the opinion he
proceeded so cavalierly upon, that I was no novice in these matters,
since he had taken me out of a common bawdy house, nor had I said one
thing to prepossess him of my virginity; and if I had, he would sooner
have believed that I took him for a cully that would swallow such an
improbability, than that I was still mistress of that darling treasure,
that hidden mine, so eagerly sought after by the men, and which they
never dig for, but to destroy.
Being now too high wound up to bear a delay, he unbuttoned, and drawing
out the engine of love assaults, drove it currently, as at a ready made
breach... Then! then! for the first time, did I feel that stiff
horn-hard gristle, battering against the tender part; but imagine to
yourself his surprise, when he found, after several vigorous pushes,
which hurt me extremely, that he made not the least impression.
I complained, but tenderly complained: “I could not bear it... indeed
he hurt me!...” Still he thought no more, than that being so young, the
largeness of his machine (for few men could dispute size with him) made
all the difficulty; and that possibly I had not been enjoyed by any so
advantageously made in that part as himself: for still, that my virgin
flower was yet un-cropped, never entered into his head, and he would
have thought it idling with time and words, to have questioned me upon
it.
He tried again, still no admittance, still no penetration; but he had
hurt me yet more, while my extreme love made me bear extreme pain,
almost without a groan. At length, after repeated fruitless trials, he
lay down panting by me, kissed my falling tears, and asked me tenderly
“what was the meaning of so much complaining? and if I had not borne it
better from other than I did from him?” I answered, with a simplicity
framed to persuade, that he was the first man that ever served me so.
Truth is powerful, and it is not always that we do not believe what we
eagerly wish.
Charles, already disposed by the evidence, of his senses to think my
pretences to virginity not entirely apocryphal, smothers me with
kisses, begs me, in the name of love, to have a little patience, and
that he wilt be as tender of hurting me as he would be of himself..
Alas! it was enough I knew his pleasure to submit joyfully to him,
whatever pain I foresaw it would cost, me.