“To our trusty and despairing legions, and well-beloved subjects, lying
under the condemnation of perpetual darkness, that lived pensioners to
sin, and had death for their pay-master, greeting. This is to let you
understand, that there are two devils, who pretend a claim to the honour
of our lieutenancy; but we have absolutely refused to gratify either the
one or the other, in that point, out of a singular affection and respect
to our right trusty and well-beloved cousin, a certain she-devil that
deserves it before all others.”
At this the whole assembly fell to whispering and muttering, and staring
one upon another, till at last Lucifer observing it bade them never
trouble themselves to guess who it might be, but fetch good fortune to
him, known otherwise by the name of Madam Prosperity, who presently
appeared in the tail of the assembly, and with a proud and disdainful air
marched up and planted herself before the degraded seraphim, who looked
her wistly in the face, and then he on in the tone he first began.
“It is our will, pleasure, and command, that next and immediately under
our proper person, you pay all honour and respect to the Lady Prosperity,
and obey her, as the most mighty and supreme governess of these our
dominions. Which titles and qualities we have conferred upon her, as due
to her merit; for she hath damned more souls than all you together. She
it is that makes men cast off all fear of God and love of their
neighbour. She it is that makes men place their sovereign good in
riches; that engages and entangles men’s minds in vanity; strikes them
blind in their pleasures; loads them with treasure, and buries them in
sin. Where’s the tragedy that she has not played her part in’t? Where’s
the stability and wisdom that she has not staggered? Where’s the folly
that she has not improved and augmented? She takes no counsel and fears
no punishment. She it is that furnishes matter for scandal, experience
for story, that entertains the cruelty of tyrants, and bathes the
executioners in innocent blood. How many souls that lived innocent,
while they were poor, have fallen into impiety and reprobation, so soon
as ever they came to drink of the enchanted cup of prosperity! Go to
then, be obedient to her, we charge ye all, as to ourself; and know, that
they that stand their ground against prosperity are none of your quarry.
Let them e’en alone, for ’tis but time lost to attempt them. Take
example from that impertinent devil, that got leave to tempt Job; he
persecuted him, beggared him, covered him all over with scabs and ulcers.
Sot that he was! if he had understood his business, he would have gone
another way to work, and begged leave to have multiplied riches upon him,
and to have possessed him of health and pleasures. That’s the trial; and
how many are there that when they thrive in the world turn their backs
upon Heaven, and never so much as name their Creator, but in oaths, and
then too, without thinking on Him? Their discourse is all of jollities,
banquets, comedies, purchases, and the like. Whereas the poor man has
God perpetually both in his mouth and heart. ‘Lord,’ says he, ‘be
mindful of me, and have mercy upon me, for all my trust is in Thee.’
Wherefore,” says Lucifer, redoubling his accursed clamour, “let it be
published forthwith throughout all our territories, that calamities,
troubles, and persecutions are our mortal enemies, for so we have found
them upon experience; they are the dispensations of Providence, the
blessings of the Almighty, to fit sinners for Himself, and they that
suffer them are enrolled in the militia of heaven.
“_Item_; For the better administration of our government, it is our will
and pleasure, and we do strictly charge and command, that our devils give
constant attendance in all courts of judicature; and they are hereby
totally discharged from any further care of little pettifoggers,
flatterers, and envious persons, for they are so well acquainted with
hell road, that they’ll guide one another without the help of a devil to
bring them hither.
“_Item_; We do ordain and command that no devil presume for the future to
entertain any confident, but profit; for that’s the harbinger that
provides vice the most commodious quarter, even in the straitest
consciences.
“_Item_; We do ordain, as a matter of great importance to the
conservation of our empire, that in what part soever of our dominions the
devil of money shall vouchsafe to appear, all other devils there present
shall rise, and, with a low reverence, present him the chair, in token of
their submission to his power and authority.
“_Item_; We do most expressly charge and command all our officers, as
well civil as military, to employ their utmost diligence and industry,
for the establishing a general peace throughout the world. For that’s
the time for wickedness to thrive in, and all sorts of vices to prosper
and flourish—as luxury, gluttony, idleness, lying, slandering, gaming,
and whoring; and, in a word, sin is upon the increase and goodness in the
wane. Whereas in a state of war, men are upon the exercise of valour and
virtue; calling often upon Heaven, in the morning, for fear of being
knocked on the head after dinner: and honest men and actions are
rewarded.
“_Item_; We do from this time forward discharge all our officers and
agents whatsoever, from giving themselves any further trouble of tempting
men and women to sins of incontinence, for as much as we find, upon
experience, that adultery and fornication will never be left, till the
old woman scratches the stool for her backside. And though there may be
several intervals of repentance, and some faint purposes of giving it
over, yet the humour returns again with the next tide of blood, and
concupiscence is as loyal a subject to us as any we have in our
dominions.
“_Item_; In consideration of the exemption aforesaid, by which means
several poor devils are left without present employment; and forasmuch as
there are many merchants and tradesmen in London, Paris, Madrid,
Amsterdam, and elsewhere, up and down the world, that are very charitably
disposed to relieve people in want, especially young heirs newly at age,
and spendthrifts, that come to borrow money of them; but the times being
dead, and little money stirring, all they can do is to furnish them with
what the house affords; and if a hundred pound or two in commodity will
do them any good, ’tis at their service (they say). This the gallant
takes up at an excessive rate, to sell again immediately for what he can
get; and the merchant has his friend to take it off underhand, at a third
part of the value (which is the way of helping men in distress). Now out
of a singular respect to the said merchants and tradesmen, and for their
better encouragement, as also, to the end that the devils aforesaid may
not run into lewd courses for want of business, we will and require that
a legion of the said devils shall from time to time be continually aiding
and assisting to the said merchants and tradesmen, in the quality of
factors, to be relieved monthly by a fresh legion, or oftener if occasion
shall require.
“_Item_; We will and command that all our devils, of what degree or
quality soever, do henceforth entertain a strict amity and correspondence
with our trusty and well beloved the usurers, the revengeful, the
envious, and all pretenders to great places and dignities; and, above all
others, with the hypocrites, who are the most powerful impostors in
nature, and so excellently skilled in their trade that they steal away
people’s hearts and souls at the eyes and ears insensibly, and draw to
themselves adoration and reward.
“_Item_; We do further order and command, that all care possible be taken
for the maintaining of blabs, informers, incendiaries, and parasites in
all courts and palaces, for thence comes our harvest.
“_Item_; That the babblers, tale-bearers, make-bates, and instruments of
divorces and quarrels, be no longer called fanes, but bellows; in regard
that they draw and inflame, without giving any allay or refreshment.
“_Item_; That the intermeddlers be hereafter called and reputed the
devils’ body-lice, because they fetch blood of those that feed and
nourish them.”
Lucifer then casting a sour look over his shoulder, and spying the
gouvernante: “I’m of his mind,” quoth he, “that said, ‘Let God dispose of
the Doüegnas (or gouvernantes) as He pleases; for I’m in no little
trouble how to dispose of these confounded carrions.’” Whereupon, the
damned cried out, with one voice, “Oh, Lucifer! let it never be said that
it rained Doüegnas in thy dominions. Are we not miserable enough without
this new plague of being baited by hags?” “Ah! cursed Lucifer,” cried
every one to himself, “stow them anywhere, so they come not near me.”
And with that, they all clapped their tails between their legs, and drew
in their horns, for fear of this new torment. Lucifer, finding how the
dread of the old women wrought upon the devils, contented himself, at the
present, to let it pass only _in terrorem_; but withal he swore, by the
honour of his imperial crown, and as he hoped to be saved, that what
devil devil’s dam, or reprobate soever, should in time to come be found
wanting to his duty and in the least degree disobedient to his laws and
ordinances, all and every the said devil or devils, their dams and
reprobates so offending, should be delivered up to the torture of the
Doüegna, and tied muzzle to muzzle; so to remain _in sæcula sæculorum_,
without relief or appeal, or any law, statute, or usage to the contrary
notwithstanding. “But in the meantime, cast them into that dry ditch,”
says he, “that they may be ready for use upon any occasion.”
Immediately, upon the pronouncing of this solemn decree, Lucifer retired
to his cell, the weather cleared up, and the company dispersed in a
fright, at so horrible a menace, and so went about their business: when a
voice was heard out of the clouds, as the voice of an angel, saying, “He
that rightly comprehends the morality of this discourse, shall never
repent the reading of it.”
* * * * *