THE SEVENTH VISION OF HELL REFORMED

THERE happened lately so terrible an uproar, and disorder in hell, that

(though it be a place of perpetual outrage and confusion) the oldest

devil there never knew the fellow of it; and the inhabitants expected

nothing less than an absolute topsy-turvy and dissolution of their

empire. The devils fell upon the damned; and the damned fell upon the

devils, without knowing one from t’other: and all running helter-skelter,

to and again, like mad; for, in fine, it was no other than a general

revolt. This hurly-burly lasted a good while, before any mortal could

imagine the meaning of it; but at length there came certain intelligence

of a monstrous talker, a pragmatical, meddling undertaker, and an old

bawd of a gouvernante, that had knocked off their shackles, and made all

this havoc: which may give the reader to understand what kind of cattle

these are, that could make hell itself more dangerous and unquiet.

Lucifer, in the meantime, went yelping up and down, and bawling for

chains, handcuffs, bolts, manacles, shackles, fetters, to tie up his

prisoners again; when, in the middle of his career, he and the babbler or

talker I told ye of met full-butt; and after a little staring one another

in the face, upon the encounter, the babbler opened. “Prince mine,” says

he, “you have a pack of lazy, droning devils in your dominions, that look

after nothing but sit with their arms and legs across, and leave all your

affairs at six and seven. And you have divers abroad too, upon

commission, that have stayed out their time, and yet give you no account

of their employment.” The gouvernante, who had been blowing the coal and

whispering sedition from one to another, chanced to pass by in the

interim, and, stopping short, addressed herself to Lucifer: “Look to

yourself,” she cried, “there is a desperate plot upon your diabolical

crown and dignity. There are two tyrants in’t, three parasites, a world

of physicians, and whole legions of lawyers and attorneys. One word more

in your ear. There is among them a mongrel priest (a kind of a

lay-elder) that will go near to sit upon your skirts, if you have not a

care of him.”

At the very name of priest and lay-elder Lucifer looked as pale as death,

stood stone-still, as mute as a fish, and in his very looks discovered

his apprehensions. After a little pause he roused himself as out of a

trance: “A priest do ye say? a lay-elder? tyrants? lawyers? physicians?

A composition to poison all the devils in hell, and purge their very guts

out.” With that, away he went to visit the avenues and set his guards,

and who should he met next but the meddler, in a monstrous haste and

hurry. “Nay then,” says he, “here is the forerunner of ill-luck. But

what’s the matter?” “The matter?” cried the meddler; and then with a

huge deal of tedious and impertinent circumstance, he up and told him

that a great many of the damned had contrived an escape; and that there

was a design to call in four or five regiments of hypocrites and usurers,

under colour forsooth of establishing a better intelligence betwixt earth

and hell, with a hundred other fopperies; and had gone on till this time,

if Lucifer would have found ears. But he had other fish to fry; for neck

and all was now at stake; and so he went about his business of putting

all in a posture, and strengthening his guards. And for the further

security of his royal person, he entertained into his own immediate

regiment several reformadoes of the society, that he particularly knew to

be no flinchers.

He began his survey in the vault and dungeons, among his jailers and

prisoners. The make-bate babbler marched in the van, breathing an air

that kindled and inflamed wherever he passed, without giving any light

(setting people together by the ears, they know not why). In the second

place the gouvernante, as full of news and tittle-tattle as she could

hold, and telling her tale all the way she went. In the breech of her

followed the meddler, leering as he passed along, first on one side then

on the other, without ever moving his head, and making fair with every

soul he saw in’s way. He gave one a bow, t’other a kiss; “Your most

humble servant,” to a third; “Can I serve you, sir,” to a fourth: but

every compliment was worse to the poor creatures than the fire itself.

“Ah, traitor!” says one; “for pity’s sake away with this new tormentor!”

cries another. “This fellow is hell upon hell,” says a third. As he

trudged on there was a rabble of rascals got together; and in the middle

of the crowd a most eminent knight of the post, a (great master of his

trade) that was reading a lecture to that venerable assembly, of the

noble mystery of swearing and lying; and would have taught any man in one

quarter of an hour to prove anything upon oath, that he never saw nor

heard of in his life. This doctor had no sooner cast his eye upon the

inter-meddler, but up he started in a fright. “How now,” says he, “is

that devil here? I came hither on purpose to avoid him; and if I could

but have dreamt he’d have been in hell, beyond all dispute I’d have gone

myself to paradise.”

As he was speaking we heard a great and a confused noise of arms, blows,

and outcries; and presently we discovered several persons falling one

upon another like lightning; and in short with such a fury, that ’tis not

for any tongue or pen to describe the battle. One of them appeared to be

an emperor; for he was crowned with laurel, and surrounded with a grave

sort of people, that looked like counsellors or senators; and had all the

old statutes and records at their finger’s end: by which they endeavoured

to make it out, that a king might be killed in his personal capacity, and

his politic capacity never the worse for’t. And upon this point were

they at daggers drawn with the emperor. Lucifer came then roundly up to

him, and with a voice that made hell quake, “What are you, sir,” says he,

“that take upon you thus in my dominions?” “I am the great Julius

Cæsar,” quoth he, “that in this general tumult thought to have revenged

myself upon Brutus and Cassius, for murdering me in the Senate, under

colour (forsooth) of asserting the common liberty: whereas these traitors

did it merely out of envy, avarice, and ambition. It was the emperor,

not the empire they hated. They pretended to destroy me, for introducing

a monarchy; but did they overthrow the monarchy itself? No; but on the

contrary, they confirmed it; and did more mischief, in taking away my

life than I did in dissolving their republic. However, I died an

emperor, and these villains carried only the infamy and brand of

regicides to their graves, and the world has ever since adored my memory

and abhorred theirs. Tell me,” quoth he, “ye cursed bloodhounds,”

(turning toward them) “whether was your government better, think ye, in

the hands of your senators, a company of talking gown-men, that knew not

how to keep it, or in the hands of a soldier that won it by his merit?

It is not the drawing of a charge, or making of a fine oration, that fits

people for government; nor will a crown sit well upon the head of a

pedant; but let him wear it that deserves it. He is the true patriot

that advances the glory of his country, by actions of bravery and honour.

Which has more right to rule, think ye, he that only knows the laws, or

he that maintains them? The one only studies the government; the other

protects it. Wretched republic! Thou call’st it freedom to obey a

divided multitude, and slavery to serve a single person; and when a

company of covetous little fellows are got together, they must be styled

fathers of their country, forsooth; and shall one generous person take up

with the name of tyrant? Oh! how much better had it been for Rome to

have preserved that one son that made her mistress of the world, than

that multitude of fathers, who by so many intestine wars rendered her but

a stepmother to her own children. Barbarous and cruel that you are! so

much as to mention the name of a commonwealth, considering that since the

people tasted of monarchy they have preferred even the worst of princes

(as Nero, Tiberius, Caligula, Heliogabalus, etc.) before your tribe of

senators.”

This discourse of Cæsar’s struck Brutus with exceeding shame and

confusion; but at length, with a feeble and trembling voice, he delivered

himself to this effect. “Gentlemen of the Senate,” says he, “do ye not

hear Cæsar? or will ye add sin to sin, and suffer all the blame to be

cast upon the instruments, when you yourselves were the contrivers of the

villainy? Why do ye not answer? for Cæsar speaks to you, as well as to

us. Cassius and myself were but your bravoes, and governed by your

persuasions and advice, little dreaming of that insatiable ambition that

lay lurking under the gravity of your long beards and robes. But ’tis

the practice of you all, to arraign that tyranny in the prince, which you

would exercise yourselves: in effect, when you have gotten power, and the

colour of authority in your hands, it is more dangerous for a prince not

to comply with you than for a vassal to rebel against his prince. To

what end served your perfidious and ungrateful treason? Make answer to

Cæsar. But for our parts, in the conscience of our sin, we feel the

severity of our punishment.”

At these words a hollow-eyed, supercilious senator (that had been of the

conspiracy, and was then blazing like a pitched barrel) raised himself,

and with a faint voice asked Cæsar what reason he had to complain! “For,

prince,” says he, “if King Ptolomy murdered Pompey the Great, upon whose

score he held his kingdom, why might not the Senate as well kill you, to

recover what you had taken from them? And in the case betwixt Cæsar and

Pompey, let the devils themselves be judges. As for Achilles (who was

one of the murderers) what he did, was by Ptolomy’s command, and then he

was but a free-booter neither, a fellow that got his living by rapine and

spoil: but Cæsar was undoubtedly the more infamous of the two. ’Tis

true, you wept at the sight of Pompey’s head, but such tears as were more

treacherous than the steel that killed him. Ah cruel compassion and

revengeful piety! that made thee a more barbarous enemy to Pompey, dead

than living. Oh that ever two hypocrite eyes should creep into the first

head of the world! To conclude, the death of Cæsar had been the recovery

of our republic, if the multitude had not called in others of his race to

the government, which rendered thy fall the very hydra of the empire.”

We had had another skirmish upon these words, if Lucifer had not

commanded Cæsar to his cell again, upon pain of death; and there to abide

such correction as belonged to him, for slighting the warnings he had of

his disaster. Brutus and Cassius too were turned over to the politic

fools: and the senators were dispatched away to Minos and Rhadamanthus,

and to sit as assistants in the devils’ bench.

After this I heard a murmuring noise, as of people talking at a distance,

and by degrees I made it out that they were wrangling and disputing still

louder and louder, till at length it was but a word and a blow, and the

nearer I came the greater was the clamour. This made me mend my pace;

but before I could reach them, they were all together by the ears in a

bloody fray: they were persons of great quality all of them, as emperors,

magistrates, generals of armies. Lucifer, to take up the quarrel,

commanded them peace and silence, and they all obeyed, but it vexed them

to the hearts to be so taken off in the full career of their fury and

revenge. The first that opened his mouth was a fellow so martyred with

wounds and scars, that I took him at first for an indigent officer; but

it proved to be Clitus (as he said himself). And one at his elbow told

him, he was a saucy companion, for presuming to speak before his time;

and so desired audience of Lucifer, for the high and mighty Alexander,

the son of Jupiter, and the emperor and terror of the world: he was going

on with his qualities and titles; but an officer gave the word, Silence,

and bade Clitus begin; which he took very kindly, and told his story.

“If it may please your Majesty,” says he, “I was the first favourite of

this emperor, who was then lord of all the known world, bare the title of

the King of Kings, and boasted himself for the son of Jupiter Hammon; and

yet after all this glory and conquest, he was himself a slave to his

passions: he was rash and cruel, and consequently incapable either of

counsel or friendship. While I lived I was near him, and served him

faithfully; but it seems he did not entertain me so much for my fidelity

as to augment the number of his flatterers; but I found myself too honest

for a base office; and still as he ran into any foul excesses, I took a

freedom, with all possible modesty, to show him his mistakes. One day,

as he was talking slightly of his father Philip (that brave prince, from

whom he received as well his honour as his being) I told him frankly what

I thought of that ingratitude and vanity, and desired him to treat his

dead father with more reverence, as a prince worthy of eternal honour and

respect. This commendation of Philip so inflamed him, that presently he

took a partisan and struck me dead in the place with his own hand. After

this, pray’e where was his divinity, when he gave Abdolominus, (a poor

garden-weeder) the kingdom of Sidonia, which was not, as the world would

have it, out of any consideration of his virtue, but to mortify and take

down the pride and insolence of the Persians. Meeting him here just now

in hell, I asked him what was become of his father Jupiter now, that he

lay so long by’t, and whether he were not yet convinced that all his

flatterers were a company of rascals, who with their incense and altars

would persuade him that he was of divine extraction and heir-apparent to

the throne and thunder of Jupiter. This now was the ground of our

quarrel. But, invectives apart, who but a tyrant would have put a loyal

subject to death, only for his affection and regards to the memory of his

dead father? how barbarously did he treat his favourites, Parmenio,

Philotas, Calisthenes, Amintas, etc., so that good or bad is all a case,

for ’tis crime enough to be the favourite of a tyrant; as, in the course

of human life, every man dies because he is mortal, and the disease is

rather the pretext of his death than the cause of it.” “You find now,”

says Satan, “that tyrants will show their people many a dog trick, when

the humour takes them. The good they hate, for not being wicked; and the

bad, because they are no worse. How many favourites have you ever seen

come to a fair and timely end? Remember the emblem of the sponge, and

that’s the use that princes make of their favourites: they let them suck

and fill, and then squeeze them for their own profit.”

At that word there was heard a lamentable cry, and at the same time a

venerable old man, as pale as if he had no blood in his veins, came up to

Lucifer, and told him that his emblem of the sponge came very pat to his

case; “for,” says he, “I was a great favourite, and a great hoarder of

treasure, a Spaniard by birth, the tutor and confidant of Nero, and my

name is Seneca. Indeed his bounties were to excess, he gave me without

asking, and in taking I was never covetous but obedient. It is in the

nature of princes, and it befits their quality, to be liberal where they

take a liking, both of honour and fortunes; and ’tis hard for a subject

to refuse, without some reflection upon the generosity or discretion of

his master. For ’tis not the merit or modesty of the vassal, but the

glory of the prince that is in question; and he is the best subject that

contributes the most to the splendour and reputation of his sovereign.

Nero indeed gave me as much as such a prince could bestow, and I managed

his liberalities with all the moderation imaginable; yet all too little

to preserve me from the strokes of envious and malicious tongues, which

would have it, that my philosophising upon the contempt of the world was

nothing else but a mere imposture, that with less danger and notice I

might feed and entertain my avarice, and with the fewer competitors.

Finding my credit with my master declining, it stood me upon to provide

some way or other for my quiet, and to withdraw myself from being the

mark of a public envy. So I went directly to Nero, and with all possible

respect and humility made him a present back again of his own bounties.

The truth is, I had so great a passion for his service, that neither the

severity of his nature nor the debauchery of his manners could ever deter

me from exhorting him to nobler courses, and paying him all the duties of

a loyal subject. Especially in cases of cruelty and blood, I laid it

perpetually home to his conscience, but all to little purpose; for he put

his mother to death, laid the city of Rome in ashes, and indeed

depopulated the empire of honest men. And this drew on Piso’s

conspiracy, which was better laid than executed; for upon the discovery,

the prime instruments lost their lives; and by Divine Providence this

prince was preserved, in order (as one would have thought) to his

repentance and change of life. But upon the issue the conspiracy was

prevented, and Nero never the better. At the same time he put Lucan to

death, only for being a better poet than himself. And if he gave me my

choice what death to die, it was rather cruelty than pity; for in the

very deliberation which death to choose, I suffered all even in the

terror and apprehension that made me refuse the rest. The election I

made was to bleed to death in a bath, and I finished my own dispatches

hither; where, to my further affliction, I have again encountered this

infamous prince, studying new cruelties and instructing the very devils

themselves in the art of tormenting.”

At that word Nero advanced, with his ill-favoured face and shrill voice.

“It is very well,” says he, “for a prince’s favourite or tutor to be

wiser than his master; but let him manage that advantage then with

respect, and not like a rash and insolent fool make proclamation

presently to the world, that he’s the wiser of the two. While Seneca

kept himself within those bounds, I lodged him in my bosom, and the love

I had for that man was the glory of my government; but when he came to

publish once (what he should have dissembled or concealed) that it was

not Nero but Seneca that ruled the empire, nothing less than his blood

could make satisfaction for so intolerable a scandal, and from that hour

I resolved his ruin. And I had rather suffer what I do a hundred times

over than entertain a favourite that should raise his credit upon my

dishonour. Whether I have reason on my side or no, I appeal to all this

princely assembly: draw near, I beseech ye, as many as are here, and

speak freely, my royal brethren, Did ye ever suffer any favourite to

escape unpunished, that had the impudence to write [I and my king] to

make a stale of majesty, and to publish himself a better statesman than

his master?” “No, no,” they cried out all with one voice, “it never was,

and never shall be endured, while the world lasts: for we have left our

successors under an oath to have a care on’t. ’Tis true, a wise

counsellor at a prince’s elbow is a treasure, and ought to be so esteemed

while he makes it his business to cry up the abilities and justice of his

sovereign; but in the instant that his vanity transports him to the

contrary, away with him to the dogs, and down with him, for there’s no

enduring of it.”

“All this,” cried Sejanus, “does not yet concern me; for though I had

indeed more brains than Tiberius, yet I so ordered it that he had the

credit in public of all my private advices. And so sensible he was of my

services, that he made me his partner and companion in the empire; he

caused my statues to be erected, and invested them with sacred

privileges. ‘Let Sejanus live,’ was the daily cry of the people; and in

truth, my well-being was the joy of the empire; and far and near there

were public prayers and vows offered up for my health. But what was the

end of all? When I thought myself surest in my master’s arms and favour,

he let me fall, nay he threw me down, caused me to be cut in pieces,

delivering me up to the fury of a barbarous and enraged multitude, that

dragged me along the streets, and happy was he that could get a piece of

my flesh to carry upon a javelin’s point in triumph. And it had been

well if this inhuman cruelty had stopped here; but it extended to my poor

children, who, though unconcerned in my crimes, were yet to partake in my

fate. A daughter I had, whom the very law exempted from the stroke of

justice, because of her virginity; but to clear that scruple, she was

condemned first to be ravished by the hangman, and then to be beheaded,

and treated as her father. My first failing was upon temerity and pride:

I would outrun my destiny, defy fortune; and for Divine Providence I

looked upon it as a ridiculous thing. When I was once out of the way, I

thought doing worse was somewhat in order to being better; and then I

began to fortify myself by violence, against craft and malice. Some were

put to death, others banished, till, in fine, all the powers of heaven

and earth declared themselves against me. I had recourse to all sorts of

ill people and means. I had my physician for poisoning, my assassins for

revenge; I had my false witnesses and corrupt judges; and, in truth, what

instruments of wickedness had I not? And all this, not upon choice or

inclination, but purely out of the necessity of my condition. Whenever I

should come to fall, I was sure to be forsaken both of good and bad; and

therefore I shunned the better sort, as those that would only serve to

accuse me; but the lewd and vicious I frequented, to increase the number

of my complices, and make my party the stronger. But, after all, if

Tiberius was a tyrant, I’ll swear he was never so by my advice; but, on

the contrary, I have suffered more from him for plain dealing and

dissuading him, than the very subjects of his severity have commonly

suffered by him. I know, ’tis charged upon me, that I stirred him up to

cruelty, to render him odious, and to ingratiate myself to the people.

But who was his adviser, I pray ’e, in this butcherly proceeding against

me? Oh Lucifer, Lucifer! you know very well that ’tis the practice of

tyrants, when they do amiss themselves, and set their people a-grumbling,

to lay all the blame (and punishment too) upon the instrument; and hang

up the minister for the master’s fault. ‘This is the end of all

favourites,’ cries one; ‘Not a halfpenny matter if they were all served

so,’ says another. And every historian has his saying upon this

catastrophe, and sets up a buoy to warn after-ages of the rock of court

favours. The greatness of a favourite, I must confess, proclaims the

greatness of his maker; and the prince that maintains what he has once

raised does but justify the prudence of his own choice; and whenever he

comes to undo what he has done, publishes himself to be light and

unconstant, and does as good as declare himself (even against himself) of

the enemy’s party.”

Up stepped Plaintain then, (Severus his favourite) he that was tossed out

of a garret window to make the people sport. “My condition in the

world,” says he, “was perfectly like that of a rocket or fire-work: I was

carried up to a prodigious height in a moment, and all people’s eyes were

upon me, as a star of the first magnitude; but my glory was very

short-lived, and down I fell into obscurity and ashes.” After him,

appeared a number of other favourites; and all of them hearkening to

Bellisarius the favourite of Justinian, who, blind as he was, had already

knocked twice with his staff, and shaking his head, with a weak and

complaining voice, desired audience; which was at length granted him,

silence commanded; and he said, as follows.

“Princes,” said he, “before they destroy the creatures they have raised

and chosen, should do well to consider, that cruelty and inconstancy is

much a greater infamy to a prince than the worst effects of it can be to

a favourite. For my own part, I served an emperor that was both a

Christian and a great lover and promoter of justice. And yet, after all

the services I had done him, in several battles and adventures, (insomuch

that he was effectually become my debtor, for the very glory of his

empire) my reward, in the end, was to have my eyes put out, and (with a

dog and a bell) to be turned a-begging from door to door. Thus was that

Bellisarius treated, whose very name formerly was worth an army, and he

was the soul of his friends as well as the terror of his enemies. But a

prince’s favour is like quick-silver—restless and slippery, never to be

fixed, never secured. Force it, and it spends itself in fumes; sublime

it, and ’tis a mortal poison. Handle it only, and it works itself into

the very bones; and all that have to do with it, live and die pale and

trembling.”

At these words, the whole band of favourites, set up a hideous and a

heavy groan, trembling like aspen leaves, and at the same time reciting

several passages out of the Prophet Habbakuk, against careless and wicked

governors. By which threatenings is given to understand, that the

Almighty, when He has a mind to destroy a wicked ruler, does not always

punish one potentate by another, and bring His ends about by a trial of

arms, or the event of a battle; but many times makes use of things the

most abject and vile, to confound the vanity and arrogance of the mighty;

and makes even worms, flies, caterpillars, and lice to serve Him as the

ministers of His terrible justice; nay, the stone in the wall and the

beam in the house shall rise in judgment against them.

This discourse might have gone further, but that the company presently

parted, to know the meaning of a sudden noise and clatter they heard,

that half-deafened the auditory. And what was it at last? but a scuffle

between the Gown-men and the Brothers of the Blade; and there were

persons of great honour and learning, young and old, engaged in the fray;

the men of war were at it dashing with their swords, and the gentlemen of

the long robe, fencing, some with tostatus, others with huge pandects,

that with their old wainscot covers were as good as bucklers, and would

now and then give the foe a heavy rebuke, over and above. The combat had

certainly been very bloody, if one of Lucifer’s constables had not

commanded them in the king’s name to keep the peace; which made it a

drawn battle. And with that, one of the combatants, with the best face

he had, said aloud, “If ye knew, gentlemen, either us, or our quarrel,

you’d say we had reason, and perhaps side with us.” At that instant,

there appeared Domitian, Commodus, Caracalla, Phalaris, Heliogabalus,

Alcetes, Andronicus, Busiris, and old Oliver, with a world of great

personages more; which, when Lucifer saw, he disposed himself to treat

that majestical appearance, as much to their satisfaction as was

possible. And then came up a grave ancient man, with a great train at

his heels, that were all bloody, and full of the marks they had received

under the persecution of these tyrants.

“You have here before ye,” quoth the old man, “Solon; and these are the

seven sages, native of Greece, but renowned throughout the universe. He

there in the mortar is that Anaxarchus that was pounded to death by

command of Nicocreon. He with the flat nose is Socrates; the little

crump-shouldered wretch was the famous Aristotle; and t’other there, the

divine Plato. Those in the corner are all of the same profession too,

grave and learned philosophers, that have displeased tyrants with their

writings; and, in fine, the world is stored with their works and hell

with the authors. To come to the point, most mighty Lucifer, we are all

of us dealers in politics, great writers and deep-read men in the maxims

of State and Government. We have digested policy into a method, and laid

down certain rules, by which princes may make themselves great and

beloved. We have advised them impartially to administer justice; to

reward virtue, as well military as civil; to employ able men, banish

flatterers; to put men of wisdom and integrity in places of trust; to

reward or punish without passion, and according to the merits of the

cause, as God’s vice-gerents. And this now is our offence. We name no

body, we design no body; but ’tis crime enough to wish well to the way

and to the lovers of virtue.” With that, turning toward the tyrants.

“Oh most unjust princes,” said he, “those glorious kings and emperors

from whom we took the model of our laws and instructions are now in a

state of rest and comfort, while you are tormented. Numa is now a star

in the firmament and Tarquin a fire-brand in hell. And the memory of

Augustus and Trajan is still fresh and fragrant, when the names of Nero

and Sardanapalus are more putrid and odious than their bodies.”

When Dionysius the tyrant heard this, (with his companions about him)

flesh and blood could hold no longer; and he cried out in a rage, “That

roguy philosopher has told a thousand lies. Legislators, with a pox?

Yes, yes, they are sweet legislators, and princes have many a fair

obligation to them. No, no, sirrah,” says he to Solon, “you are all of

you a company of quacks; ye prate and speculate of things ye don’t

understand; and with your damned moralities set the people agog upon

liberty, cry up the doctrine of free-born subjects, and then our portion

is persecution in one world and infamy in t’other.”

“We shall have a fine time on’t, my most gracious prince,” cried Julian

the apostate, staring Lucifer in the face, “when these dunghill pedants,

a company of cock-brained, ridiculous, mortified, ill-bred, beggarly

tatterdemalions, shall come to erect a committee for politics, and pass

sentence upon governors and governments; stiling themselves (forsooth)

the supporters of both, without any more skill than my horse in what

belongs to either. Tell me,” says he, “if a brave prince had not better

be damned than subject himself to hear one of these turdy-facy-paty-nasty

lowsie-fartical rascals, with a scabbed head and a plantation of lice in

his beard, and his eyes crept into the nape of his neck, pronouncing, for

an aphorism, that a prince that looks only to one is a tyrant, and that a

true king is the shepherd and servant of his people. Ah, rash and

besotted coxcombs! If a king looks only to others, who shall look to

him? As if princes had not enemies enough abroad, without being so to

themselves too. But you may write your hearts out, and never the nearer.

Where’s our sovereignty? if we have not our subjects’ lives and estates

at our mercy. And where’s our absolute power? if we submit to the

counsels of our vassals. If we have not to satisfy our appetites,

avarice and revenge, we want power to discharge the noblest ends of

government. These contemplative idiots would have us make choice of good

officers, to keep the bad in order; which were a madness, in our

condition. Let them be complaisant, and no matter for any other merit or

virtue. A parcel of good offices, handsomely disposed among a pack of

cheats and atheists, will make us a party another day; whereas all is

lost that’s bestowed upon honest men, for they’re our enemies; speak

truth then all of ye, and shame the devil; for the butcher fats his sheep

only for the shambles.

“I have said enough, I suppose, to stop your mouths, but here’s an orator

will read you another-gates lecture of politics than any you have had

yet, if you’ll give him the hearing. Photinus, advance,” said Julian,

“and speak your mind;” whereupon there appeared a brazen-faced fellow,

with a hanging look and twenty other marks of a desperate villain who,

with a hellish yell, and three or four wry mouths for a prologue, brake

into his discourse.

The wicked advice of one of Ptolomy’s courtiers, about the killing of

Pompey: taken out of Lucan’s _Pharsalia_, Lib. 8.

“Methinks, under favour (most renowned Ptolomy) we are now slipped into a

debate, a little beside the business. The question is whether Pompey

should be delivered up to Cæsar, or no. That is to say, whether in

reason of state it ought to be done; and we are formalising the matter,

whether in point of equity and justice it may be done. Bodies politic

have no souls, and never did any great prince turn a council of state

into a court of conscience, but he repented it. Kingdoms are to be

governed by politicians, not by casuists; and there is nothing more

contrary to the true interest of crowns and empires, than in public cases

to make a scruple of private duties. The argument is this: Pompey is in

distress; and Ptolomy under an obligation, so that it were a violation of

faith and hospitality not to relieve him. Now give me leave to reason in

the other way. Pompey is forsaken, and persecuted by the Gods; Cæsar

upon the heels of him, with victory and success. Shall Ptolomy now ruin

himself, to protect a fugitive, against both heaven and Cæsar! I must

confess, where honesty and profit are both of a side, ’tis well; but,

where they disagree, the prince that does not quit his religion, for his

convenience, falls into a direct conspiracy against himself. He shall

lose the hearts of his soldiery, and the reputation of his power.

Whereas, on the contrary, the most hateful tyrant in the world shall be

able to keep his head above water, let him but give a general licence to

commit all sorts of wickedness; you’ll say ’tis impious, but I say, what

if it be? who shall call you to account? These deliberations are only

for subjects that are under command, and not for sovereign princes whose

will is a law.”

Exeat Aulâ

Qui volet esse pius,

He was never cut out

For a Court, that’s devout.

“In fine, since either Pompey or Ptolomy must suffer, I am absolutely for

the saving of Ptolomy, and the presenting of Pompey’s head, without any

more ado, to Cæsar. A dead dog will never bite.”

Photinus had no sooner made an end, but Domitian appeared in a monstrous

rage, and lugging of poor Suetonius after him like a bear to the stake.

“There is not in nature,” says he, “so damned a generation of scribbling

rogues as these historians. We can neither be quiet for them, living nor

dead: for they haunt us in our very graves; and when they have vented the

humour and caprice of their own brains, that forsooth must be called, The

Life of such an Emperor. And, for an instance, I’ll show ye what this

impertinent chronicler says of myself. ‘He had squandered away his

treasure,’ says he, ‘in expensive buildings, comedies, and donatives to

the soldiers.’

“Now would I fain know which way it could have been better employed.

“In another place, he says, that ‘Domitian had some thoughts of easing

himself in his military charges, by reducing the number; but that he

durst not do, for fear some of his neighbours should put an affront upon

him. So that, to lick himself whole, he fell to raking and scraping

whatever he could get, either from dead or living; and any rascal’s

testimony was proof enough for a confiscation: for there needed no more

to undo an honest man, than to tell a tale at court that such a one had

spoken ill of the prince.’

“Is this the way of treating majesty? what could this impudent pedant

have said worse, if he had been speaking of a pick-pocket or a pirate?

But princes and thieves are all one to them.

“He says further, that ‘Domitian made seizure of several estates, without

any sort of right whatsoever; and there went no more to his title than

for a false witness to depose that he heard the defunct declare, before

he died, that he made Cæsar his heir. He set such a tax upon the Jews,

that many of them denied their religion to avoid it; and I remember that,

when I was a young fellow, I saw an old man of fourscore and ten taken

upon suspicion by one of Domitian’s spies, and turned up in a public

assembly, to see if he were circumcised.’

“Be ye now judges, gentlemen of the Black Guard, if this be not a most

intolerable indignity. Am I to answer for the actions of my inferior

officers? It amazes me that my successors should ever endure these

scandalous reports to be published, especially against a prince that had

laid out so much money in repairing the libraries that were burnt.”

“It is very true,” said Suetonius in a doleful tone, “and I have not

forgotten to make mention of it to your honour. But what will you say,

if I show you, in a warrant under your hand, this execrable and impious

blasphemy? It is the command of your Lord and God. And in fine, if I

speak nothing but truth, where’s your cause of complaint? I have written

the Lives too of the great Julius Cæsar, and the divine Augustus, and the

world will not say but I have done them right. But for yourself, and

such as you, that are effectually but so many incarnate and crowned

plagues, what fault have I committed in setting before your eyes those

tyrannies, which heaven and earth cannot but look upon with dread and

horror?”

This discourse of Suetonius was interrupted by the babbler, or Boutefeu,

that rounded Lucifer in the ear, and told him, “Look ye, sir,” says he,

pointing with his finger, “that limping devil there, that looks as if he

were surbated with beating the hoof, has been abroad in the world, this

twenty year, and is but just now come back again.” “Come hither,

sirrah,” cries Lucifer; and so the poor cur went wriggling and glotting

up toward his prince. “You are a fine rogue to be sent of an errand, are

ye not?” says Lucifer, “to stay twenty year out, and come back again e’en

as wise as ye went: what souls have ye brought now? or what news from

t’other world?” “Ha! your highness,” quoth the devil, “has too much

honour and justice to condemn me unheard. Wherefore be pleased to

remember, that at my going out you gave me charge of a certain merchant;

it cost me the first ten year of my time to make him a thief, and ten

more to keep him from turning honest again, and restoring what he had

stolen.” “A fine fetch for a devil this, is it not?” cried Lucifer.

“But hell is no more the hell it was when I knew it first, than chalk is

cheese; and the devils nowadays are so damnedly insipid and dry, they’re

hardly worth the roasting. A senseless puppy to come back to me with a

story of Waltham’s calf, that went nine mile to suck a bull. But he’s

not master of his trade yet.” And with that Lucifer bade one of his

officers take him away and put him to school again; “for I perceive he’s

a rascal,” says he, “and he has e’en been roguing at a play-house, when

he should have been at church.” In that instant, from behind a little

hill, a great many men came running as hard as they could drive after a

company of women: the men crying out, “Stop, stop,” and the women crying

for help. Lucifer commanded them all to be seized, and asked what was

the matter. “Alas, alas!” cried one of the men, quite out of breath,

“these carrions have made us fathers, though we never had children.”

“Govern your tongue, sirrah,” cried a devil of honour, out of respect to

the ladies, “and speak truth: for ’tis utterly impossible you should be

fathers without children.” “Pardon me,” said the fellow, “we were

married men, and honest men and good house-keepers, and have born offices

in the parish, and have children that call us fathers; but ’tis a strange

thing, we have been abroad some of us by the seven year together; others,

as long bed-rid; and so impotent, that the civilians would have put us

_inter frigidos et maleficiatos_: and yet our wives have brought us every

year a child, which we were such fools as to keep and bring up, and give

ourselves to the devil at last to get them estates; out of a charitable

persuasion (forsooth) they might yet be our own, though for a

twelve-month together (perhaps) we never so much as examined whether our

wives were fish or flesh. But now since the mothers are dead, and the

children grown up, we have found the tools that made them. One has the

coachman’s nose, another the gentleman-usher’s legs, a third a

cousin-german’s eyes. And some, we are to presume, conceived purely by

strength of imagination, or else by the ears like weazels.”

Thereupon appeared a little remnant of a man, a dapper Spaniard, with a

kind of a besome-beard, and a voice not unlike the yapping of a foysting

cur. As he came near the company, he set up his throat, and called out,

“Ah jade!” says he, “I shall now take ye to task, ye whore you, for

making me father my negro’s bastard, and for the estate I settled upon

him. I did ever misdoubt foul play, but should never have dreamt of that

ugly toad, when there was such choice of handsome, lusty young fellows

about us; but it may be she had them too. I cursed the monks many and

many a time, I remember, to the pit of hell, heaven forgive me for’t; for

the strumpet would be perpetually gadding abroad, under colour of going

to confession, and in sooth I was never any great friend to penance and

mortification. And then would I be easing my mind ever and anon to this

cursed Moor. ‘I cannot imagine,’ said I, ‘where this mistress of thine

should commit all the sins that she goes every hour of the day to confess

at yonder monastery.’ And then would this dog-Moor answer me. ‘Alas,

good lady! I would e’en venture my soul with hers with all my heart; she

spends all her time you see in holy duties.’ I was at that time so

innocent, that I suspected nothing more than a pure respect and civility

to my wife; but I have learnt better since, and that effectually his soul

and hers were commonly ventured in the same bottom; yes, and their bodies

too, as I perceive by their magpie issue, for the bastards take after

both father and mother.”

“So that at this rate,” cried the adopted fathers, “the husband of a

whore has a pleasant time on’t. First, he’s subjected to all the

pukings, longings, and peevish importunities, that a breeding woman gives

those about her till she’s laid; and then comes the squalling of the

child, and the twittle-twattle-gossipings of the nurse and midwife, that

must be well treated too, well lodged, and well paid. ‘A sweet baby,’

says one (to the jade the mother on’t) ‘’tis e’en as like the father as

if he had spit it out on’s mouth; it has the very lips, the very eyes of

him,’ when ’tis no more like him than an apple is like an oyster. And,

in conclusion, when we have borne all this, and twenty times more in

t’other world with a Christian patience, we are hurried away to hell, and

here we lie a company of damned cuckolds of us; and here we are like to

lie, for ought I see, in _sæcula sæculorum_: which is very hard, and in

truth out of all reason.”

I cut this visit short, to see what news in a deep vault near at hand,

where we heard a great bustle and contest betwixt divers souls and the

devils. There were the presumptuous, the revengeful, and the envious,

gaping and crying out as they would break their hearts. “Oh, that I

could but be born again!” says one; “Oh, that I might back into the world

again!” says another; “Oh, that I were but to die once more!” cries a

third. Insomuch that they put the devils out of all patience, with their

impertinent and unprofitable wishes and exclamations. “Hang yourselves,”

cried they, “for a pack of cozening, bawling rascals: you live again? and

be born again? and what if you might do’t a thousand times over? You

would only die at last a thousand times greater villains than now you

are, and there would be no clearing hell of you with a dog-whip.

However, to try you and make you know yourselves, we have commission to

let you live again and return. Up then ye varlets, go, be born again;

get ye into the world again. Away,” cried the devils, with a lusty lash

at every word, and thrust hard to have got them out. But the poor rogues

hung an arse, and were struck with such a terror, to hear of living

again, and returning, that they slunk into a corner, and lay as quiet

upon’t, as lambs.

At length, one of the company that seemed to have somewhat more brain and

resolution than his fellows, entered very gravely upon the debate,

whether they should go out or no. “If I should now,” says he, “at my

second birth, come into the world a bastard, the shame would be mine,

though my parents committed the fault; and I should carry the scandal and

the infamy of it to my grave. Now put case, my mother should be honest,

(for that’s not impossible) and that I came into the world, legitimate;

how many follies, vices, and diseases are there that run in a blood! Who

knows, but I should be mad, or simple? swear, lie, cheat, whore; nay if I

came off, with a little mortification of my carcase, as the stone, the

scurvy, or the noble pox, I were a happy man. But oh the lodging, the

diet, and the cookery that I am to expect for a matter of nine months in

my mother’s belly; and then the butter and beer that must be spent to

sweeten me, when I change my quarter. I must come crying into the world,

and live in ignorance even of what life is till I die; and then as

ignorant of death too, till ’tis passed. I fancy my swaddling-clouts and

blankets to be worse than my winding-sheet; my cradle represents my tomb.

And then who knows, whether my nurse shall be found, or no? She’ll

over-lay me perhaps; leave me some four and twenty hours, it may be,

without clean clouts, and a pin or two all the while, perchance, up to

the hilts in my backside. And then follows breeding of teeth, and worms;

with all the gripes and disorders that are caused by unwholesome milk.

These miseries are certain, and why should I run them over again?

“If it happen that I pass the state of infancy, without the pox or

measles, I must be then packed away to school, to get the itch, a scaled

head, or a pair of kibed heels. In winter, ’tis ten to one you find me

with a snotty nose, and perpetually under the lash, if I either miss my

lesson or go late to school. So that hang him, for my part, that would

be born again, for any thing I see yet.

“When I come up toward man, the women will have me as sure as a gun, for

they have a thousand ginnes and devices to catch wood-cocks; and if ever

I come to set eye upon a lass that understands dress and raillery, I’m

gone, if there were no more lads in Christendom. But, for my part, I am

as sick as a dog, of powdering, curling, and playing the ladybird. I

would not for all the world be in the shoemaker’s stocks, and choke

myself over again in a straight doublet, only to have the ladies say,

‘Look, what a delicate shape and foot that gentleman has.’ And I would

take as little pleasure to spend six hours, of the four and twenty, in

picking grey hairs out of my head or beard, or turning white into black.

To stand half ravished in the contemplation of my own shadow; to dress

fine, and go to church only to see handsome ladies; to correct the

midnight air with ardent sighs and ejaculations; and to keep company with

owls and bats, like a bird of evil omen; to walk the round of a mistress’

lodging, and play at bo-peep at the corner of every street; to adore her

imperfections, (or as the song says, — for her ugliness, and for her want

of coin); to make bracelets of her locks, and truck a pearl necklace for

a shoestring. At this rate, I say, cursed again and again be he, for my

part, that would live over again so wretched a life.

“Being come now to write full man, if I have an estate how many cares,

suits, and wrangles go along with it! If I have none, what murmuring and

regret at my misfortunes! By this time, the sins of my youth are gotten

into my bones; I grow sour and melancholy; nothing pleases me; I curse

old age to ten thousand devils; and the youth which I can never recover

in my veins, I endeavour to fetch out of the barbers’ shops, from

perruques, razors, and patches, to conceal, or at least disguise all the

marks and evidences of Nature in her decay. Nay, when I shall have never

an eye to see with nor a tooth left in my head, gouty legs, wind-mills in

my crown, my nose running like a tap, and gravel in my reins by the

bushel, then must I make oath that all this is nothing but mere accident,

gotten by lying in the field, or the like, and out-face the truth in the

very teeth of so many undeniable witnesses. There is no plague

comparable to this hypocrisy of the members. To have an old fop shake

his heels, when he’s ready to fall to pieces; and cry, these legs would

make a shift yet to play with the best legs in the company; and then,

with a lusty thump on’s breast, fetch ye up a hem, and cry, ‘Sound at

heart, boy,’ and a thousand other fooleries of the like nature. But all

this is nothing to the misery of an old fellow in love, especially if he

be put to gallant it against a company of young gamesters. Oh the inward

shame and vexation, to see himself scarce so much as neglected. It

happens sometimes that a jolly lady, for want of better entertainment,

may content herself with one of these reverend fornicators, instead of a

whetstone; but alack, alack! the poor man is weak though willing; and

after a whole night spent in cold and frivolous pretences and excuses,

away he goes with torments of rage and confusion about him, not to be

expressed; and many a heavy curse is sent after him for keeping a poor

lady from her natural rest to so little purpose. How often must I be put

to the blush too, when every old toast shall be calling me old

acquaintance, and telling me, ‘Oh sir, ’tis many a fair day since you and

I knew one another first. I think ’twas in the four and thirtieth of the

Queen, that we were school-fellows. How the world’s altered since!’ etc.

And then must my head be turned to a _memento mori_; my flesh dissolved

into rheums; my skin withered and wrinkled; with a staff in my hand,

knocking the earth at every trembling step, as if I called upon my grave

to receive me; walking, like a moving phantosme; my life little more than

a dream; my reins and bladder turned into a perfect quarry; and the

urinal or pisspot my whole study. My next heir watching, every minute,

for the long-looked-for and happy hour of my departure; and in the

meantime, I’m become the physician’s revenue, and the surgeon’s practice,

with an apothecary’s shop in my guts; and every old jade calling me

grandsire. No, no; I’ll no more living again, I thank ye: one hell

rather than two mothers.

“Let us now consider the comforts of life, the humours and the manners.

He that would be rich must play the thief or the cheat; he that would

rise in the world must turn parasite, informer, or projecter. He that

marries ventures fair for the horn, either before or after. There is no

valour without swearing, quarrelling, or hectoring. If ye are poor,

nobody owns ye. If rich, you’ll know nobody. If you die young, ‘What

pity it was,’ they’ll say, ‘that he should be cut off thus in his prime.’

If old, ‘He was e’en past his best; there’s no great miss of him.’ If

you are religious, and frequent the church and the sacrament, you’re an

hypocrite; and without this, you’re an atheist or an heretic. If you are

gay and pleasant, you pass presently for a buffoon; and if pensive and

reserved, you are taken to be sour and censorious. Courtesy is called

colloguing and currying of favour; downright honesty and plain-dealing is

interpreted to be pride and ill manners. This is the world; and for all

that’s in’t I would not have it to go over again. If any of ye, my

masters,” said he to his camerades, “be of another opinion, hold up your

hands.” “No, no,” they cried all unanimously, “no more generation-work,

I beseech ye; better the devils than the midwives.”

After this came a testator, cursing and raving like a bedlam, that he had

made his last will and testament. “Ah villein!” said he, “for a man to

murder himself as I have done! If I had not sealed, I had not died. Of

all things, next a physician, deliver me from a testament. It has killed

more than the pestilence. Oh miserable mortals, let the living take

warning by the dead, and make no testaments. It was my hard luck, first

to put my life into the physician’s power, and then, by making my will,

to sign the sentence of death upon myself, and my own execution. ‘Put

your soul and your estate in order,’ says the doctor, ‘for there’s no

hope of life;’ and the word was no sooner out, but I was so wise and

devout (forsooth) as to fall immediately upon the prologue of my will,

with an _In nomine Domini_, Amen, etc. And when I came to dispose of my

goods and chattels I pronounced these bloody words (I would I had been

tongue-tied when I did it), ‘I make and constitute my son, my sole

executor. _Item_, to my dear wife, I give and bequeath all my plays and

romances, and all the furniture in the rooms upon the second storey. To

my very good friend T. B. my large tankard, for a remembrance. To my

foot-boy Robin, five pound to bind him prentice. To Betty, that tended

me in my sickness, my little caudle-cup. To Mr. Doctor, my fair table

diamond, for his care of me in my illness.’ After signing, and sealing,

the ink was scarce dry upon the paper, but methought the earth opened as

if it had been hungry to devour me. My son and my legatees were

presently casting it up, how many hours I might yet hold out. If I

called for the cordial julep, or a little of Dr. Gilbert’s water, my son

was taking possession of my estate, my wife so busy about the beds and

hangings that she could not intend it. The boy and the wench could

understand nothing but about their legacies. My very good friend’s mind

was wholly upon his tankard. My kind Dr. I must confess took occasion,

now and then, to handle my pulse, and see whether the diamond were of the

right black water, or no. If I asked him what I might eat, his answer

was, ‘Anything, anything, e’en what you please yourself.’ At every groan

I fetched, they were calling for their legacies, which they could not

have till I was dead.

“But if I were to begin the world again, I think I should make another

kind of testament. I would say: ‘A curse upon him that shall have my

estate when I am dead, and may the first bit of bread he eats out on’t

choke him. The devil in hell take what I cannot carry away, and him too,

that straggles for’t, if he can catch him. If I die, let my boy Robin

have the strappado, three hours a day, to be duly paid him during life.

Let my wife die of the pip, or the mother (not a halfpenny matter which),

but let her first live long enough to plague the damned doctor, and

indite him for poisoning her poor husband.’ To speak sincerely, I can

never forgive that dog-leech. Was it not enough to make me sick when I

was well, without making me dead when I was sick? And not to rest there

neither, but to persecute me in my grave too. But, to say the truth,

this is only neighbours’ fare; for all those fools that trust in them are

served with the same sauce. A vomit or a purge is as good a passport

into the other world as a man would wish. And then, when our heads are

laid, ’tis never to be endured the scandals they cast upon our bodies and

memories! ‘Heaven rest his soul,’ cries one, ‘he killed himself with a

debauch.’ ‘How is’t possible,’ says another, ‘to cure a man that keeps

no diet?’ ‘He was a madman,’ cries a third, ‘a mere sot, and would not

be governed by his physician. His body was as rotten as a pear, he had

as many diseases as a horse, and it was not in the power of man to save

him. And truly ’twas well that his hour was come, for he had better a

great deal die well than live on as he did.’ Thieves and murtherers that

ye are, you yourselves are that hour ye talk of. The physician is only

death in a disguise, and brings his patient’s hour along with him. Cruel

people! Is it not enough to take away a man’s life, and like common

hangmen to be paid for’t when ye have done, but you must blast the honour

too of those you have dispatched, to excuse your ignorance? Let but the

living follow my counsel, and write their testaments after this copy,

they shall live long and happily, and not go out of the world at last

like a rat with a straw in his arse (as a learned author has it) or be

cut off in the flower of their days, by these counterfeit doctors of the

faculty of the close-stool.”

The dead man plied his discourse with so much gravity and earnestness,

that Lucifer began to believe what he said. But because all truths are

not to be spoken, especially among the devils, where hardly any are

admitted; and for fear of mischief, if the doctors should come to hear

what had been said, Lucifer presently ordered the fellow to be gagged, or

put in security for his good behaviour.

His mouth was no sooner stopped but another was opened; and one of the

damned came running cross the company, and so up and down, back and

forward (like a cur that had lost his master) bawling as if he had been

out of his wits, and crying out, “Oh! where am I? Where am I? I am

abused, I am choused; what’s the meaning of all this? Here are damning

devils, tempting devils, and tormenting devils, but the devil a devil can

I find of the devils that brought me hither; they have gotten away my

devils; where are they? Give me my devils again.”

It might well make the company stare, to see a fellow hunting for devils

in hell, where they swarm in legions. But as he was in this hurry, a

gouvernante caught him by the arm, and gave him a half turn and stopped

him. “Old lucky-bird,” says she, “if thou wantest devils here, where

dost expect to find them?” He knew her as soon as he saw her. And “Art

thou here old Beelzebub in a petticoat?” said he, “the very picture of

Satan, the coupler of male and female, the buckle and thong of lechery,

the multiplier of sin and the guide of sinners, the seasoner of rotten

mutton, the interpretress betwixt whores and knaves, the preface to the

remedy of love, and the prologue to the critical minute. Speak, and

without more ado, tell me, where are the devils and their dams that

brought me hither? These are none of them. No, no; I am not such an

awfe as to be trepanned and spirited away by devils with tails, horns,

bristles, wings, that smell as if they had been smoked in a

chimney-corner. The devils that I look for are worse than these. Where

are the mothers that play the bawds to their own daughters? and the aunts

that do as much for their nieces, and make them caper and sparkle like

wild-fire? The black-eyed girls that carry fire in their eyes, and

strike as sure as a lance from the rest of a cavalier? Where are the

flatterers that speak nothing but pleasing things? The make-bates and

incendiaries, that are the very canker of human society? Where are the

story-mongers? The masters of the faculty of lying? that report more

than they hear, affirm more than they know, and swear more than they

believe. Those slanderous backbiters, that like vultures prey only upon

carrion? Where are the hypocrites that turn devotion into interest, and

make a revenue of a commandment? That pretend ecstasy when they are

drunk, and utter the fumes and dreams of their luxury and tipple for

revelations? That make chapels of their parlours, preachments of their

ordinary entertainments, and everything they do is a miracle. They can

divine all that’s told them, and raise people to life again; that

counterfeit sick, when they should work, and give an honest man to the

devil with a _Deo gratias_. These are the devils I would be at; these

are they that have damned me; look them out, and find them for me, ye

impudent hag, or I shall be so bold as to search your French hood for

them.” And with that word he fell on upon the poor gouvernante, tore off

her head-gear, and laid about him so furiously that there would have been

no getting him off, if Lucifer had not made use of his absolute authority

to quiet him.

Immediately upon the composing of this fray we heard the shooting of bars

and bolts, the opening of doors and hinges that creaked for want of

grease, and a strange humming of a great number of people. The first

that appeared were a company of bold, talkative, and painted old women;

but as bonny and gamesome, tickling and toying with one another, as if

they had never seen thirteen; and carrying it out with an air of much

satisfaction and content. The babbler was somewhat scandalised at their

behaviour, and told them how ill they did to be merry in hell; and

several others admired it as much, and asked them the reason of it,

considering their condition. With that one of the gang, that was

wretchedly thin and pale, and raised upon a pair of heels that made her

legs longer than her body, told Lucifer, with great respect, that at

their first coming they were as sad as it was possible for a company of

damned old jades to be. “But,” says she, “we were a little comforted

when we heard of no other punishments here, than weeping and gnashing of

teeth, and in some hope to come off upon reasonable terms; for we have

not among us all so much as a drop of moisture in our bodies, nor a tooth

in our heads.” “Search them presently,” cried the intermeddler, “squeeze

the balls of their eyes, and let their gums be examined, you’ll find

snags, stumps, or roots; or enough of somewhat or other there to spoil

the jest.” Upon the scrutiny they were found so dry that they were good

for nothing in the world but to serve for tinder or matches, and so they

were disposed of into the devils’ tinder-boxes.

While they were casing up the old women there came on a number of people

of several sorts and qualities, that called out to the first they saw,

“Pray’e gentlemen,” said they, “before we go any further, will ye direct

us to the court of rewards?” “How’s that,” cried one of the company, “I

was afraid we had been in hell, but since you talk of rewards I hope ’tis

but purgatory.” “Good, good,” said the whole multitude, “you’ll quickly

find where you are.” “Purgatory!” cried the intermeddler, “you have left

that up the hill there, upon the right hand. This is hell, and a place

of punishment; here’s no registry of rewards.” “Then we are mistaken,”

said he that spake first. “How so?” cried the intermeddler. “You shall

hear,” said the other, “we were in the Other world entitled to the order

of the squires of the pad, and borrowed now and then a small sum upon the

King’s highway; we understood somewhat too of the cross-bite and the use

of the frail dye. Some of our conscientious and charitable friends would

fain have drawn us off from the course we were in, and, to give them

their due, bestowed a great deal of good counsel upon us to very little

purpose; for we were in a pretty way of thriving, and had gotten a habit

and could not leave it. We asked them, ‘What would you have us do?

Money we have none, and without it there’s no living; should we stay till

it were brought, or came alone? How would ye have a poor _individuum

vagum_ to live? that has neither estate, office, master, nor friend to

maintain him, and is quite out of his element unless he be either in a

tavern, a bawdy-house, or a gaming ordinary. Now, that’s the man that

Providence has appointed to live by his wits.’ Our advisers saw there

was no good to be done, and went their way, telling us that in the other

world we should meet with our reward.

“They would tell us some time, how base a thing it was to defame the

house and abuse the bed of a friend. Our answer was ready, ‘Well! and

had we not better do it there where the house is open to us, the master

and lady kind, the occasion fair and easy, than to run a caterwauling

into a family where every servant in the house is a spy, and (perhaps) a

fellow behind every door in the house with a dagger or pistol in his hand

to entertain us.’ Upon this, our grave counsellors finding us so

resolute, e’en gave us over, and told us as before, that in the other

world we should meet with our reward. Now taking this to be the other

world these honest men told us of, we are inquiring after the rewards

they promised us.”

“Abominable scoundrels!” said an officer of justice, there at hand, “how

many of your reprobated companions have squandered away their fortunes

upon whores and dice, exposing not only their wives and children but many

a noble family to a shameful and irreparable ruin; and let any man put in

a word of wholesome advice, their answer is, ‘Tush, tush; our wives and

children are in the hands of Providence; and let Him provide for the

rooks, that feeds the ravens.’ Then was it told ye, you should find your

reward in the other world; and the time is now come wherein ye shall

receive it; up, up then, ye cursed spirits, and away with them.” At

which word a legion of devils fell on upon the miserable caitiffs, with

whips and firebrands, and gave them their long-expected reward; and at

every lash a voice was heard to say, “In the other world you shall

receive your reward;” these wretches, in the meanwhile, damning and

sinking themselves to the pit of hell, still, as if they had been upon

earth, and vomiting their customary and execrable blasphemies.

Just as this storm blew over there drew near a multitude of bailiffs,

sergeants, Catchpoles, and other officers of prey, with the thieves’

devil, bound hand and foot, and a foul accusation against him. Whereupon

Lucifer, with a fell countenance, took his seat in a flaming chair, and

called his officers about him. So soon as the prince had taken his

place, a certain officer began his report. “Here is before thee,” quoth

he, “a devil, most mighty Lucifer, that stands charged with ignorance in

his trade; and the shame of his quality and profession, instead of

damning men, he has made it his business to save them.” The word save

put the court in such a rage, that they bit their lips till the blood

started and the fire sparkled at their eyes; and Lucifer, turning about

to his attorney, “Who would ever have imagined,” said he, “that so

treacherous a rascal could have been harboured in my dominions?” “It is

most certain, my gracious lord,” replied the attorney, “that this devil

has been very diligent in drawing people into thefts and pilferies, and

then, when they come to be discovered, they are clapped up and hanged, or

some mischief or other. But still, before execution, the ordinary calls

them to shrift; and many times the toy takes them in the head to confess

and repent, and so they are saved. Now this silly devil thinks, that

when he has brought them to steal, murder, coin, and the like, he has

done his part, and so he leaves them; whereas he should stick close to

them in the prison, and be tempting of them to despair and make away

themselves. But when they are once left to the priest, he commonly

brings them to a sight of their sins, and they ’scape. Now this simple

devil was not aware, it seems, that many a soul goes to heaven from the

gallows, the wheel, and the faggot: and this failing has lost your

Highness many a fair purchase.” “Here’s enough,” cried the president,

“and there needs no more charge against him.” The poor devil thought it

was high time to speak now, when they were just upon the point of passing

his sentence; and so he cried out, “My lord,” said he, “I beseech you

hear me; for though they say the devil is dead, it is not meant of your

greatness.” So there was a general silence, and thus he proceeded.

“I cannot deny, my lord, but Tyburn is the way to paradise, and many a

man goes to heaven from the gallows. But if you will set those that are

damned for condemning others, against those that are saved from the

gallows, hell will be found no loser by me at the foot of the account.

How many marshal’s-men, turn-keys, and keepers have I sent ye for letting

a coiner give them the slip now and then, with his false money (always

provided they leave better money instead on’t). How many false witnesses

and knights of the post, that would set their consciences like clocks to

go faster or slower, according as they had more or less weight, and swear

_ex tempore_, at all rates and prices! How many solicitors, attorneys,

and clerks, that would draw ye up a declaration or an indictment, so

slyly, that I myself could hardly discover any error in’t; and yet, when

it came to the test, it was as plain as the nose on a man’s face (that is

to say again, provided they were well paid for the fashion). How many

jailers that would wink at an escape for a lusty bribe! And how many

attorneys that would give ye dispatch or delay thereafter, as they were

greased! Now, after all this, what does it signify, if one thief of a

thousand comes to the gallows? he only suffers because he was poor, that

there may be the better trading for the rich, and without any design in

the world to suppress stealing. Nay, it often falls out, that they that

bring the malefactor to the gibbet are the worse criminals of the two.

But they are never looked after; or, if they should be, they have tricks

and fetches enough to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this

case, as it did with him that had his house troubled with rats, and would

needs take in a company of cats to destroy them: the rats would be

nibbling at his cheese, his bacon, a crust of bread, and now and then a

candle’s end; but when the cats came, down went a milk-bowl, away goes a

brace of partridges or a couple of pigeons, and the poor man must content

himself to go supperless to bed. In the conclusion, the rats were

troublesome, but the cats were intolerable. And then there’s this in’t:

Suppose one poor fellow hangs and goes to heaven: I do but give him in

truck for two hundred, at least, that deserve to be hanged but ’scape and

go to hell at last. Beside, a thief upon a gibbet is as good as a

roasted dog in a pigeon house; for ye shall immediately have two or three

thousand witches about him, for snips of his halter, an eye-tooth, or a

collop of his fat, which is of sovereign use in many of their charms.

But, in fine, let me do what I will my services are not understood. My

successor, it may be, will discharge his duty better, and indeed I am

very well content to lay down my commission; for (to say the truth) I am

in years, and would gladly have a little rest now, in my old age, which I

rather propose to myself in the service of some pretender than where I

am.”

Lucifer heard him with great patience, and, in the end, gave him all the

satisfaction imaginable; strictly charging the evil spirits that had

abused him to do so no more, upon hazard of pains corporal and spiritual;

and they desired him, too, that he would not lay down his employment, for

he was strong enough yet to do very good service in it. But to think of

easing himself, by going to a pretender, he’d find himself mistaken, for

’twas a duty he’d never be able to endure. “Well!” says he, “e’en what

your Highness pleases. But truly I thought a devil might have lived very

comfortably in that condition; for he has no more to do, that I can see,

than to keep his ears open, and learn his trade. For put case it should

be some pretender to a good office, or a fat bishopric (though the

fathers and councils are against pretenders in this case) I fancy to

myself all the pleasure and divertisement that may be. It is as good as

going to school, for these people teach the devils their A B C. And all

that we have to do is to sit still and learn.”

The vision that followed this was the dæmon of tobacco, which I must

confess did not a little surprise me. I have indeed often said to

myself, “Certainly these smokers are possessed;” but I could never swear

it till now. “I have,” said the devil, “by bringing this weed into

Spain, revenged the Indians upon the Spaniards for all the massacres and

butcheries they committed there, and done them more mischief than ever

Colon, Cortes, Almero, Pizarro did in the Indies: by how much it is more

honourable to die upon a sword’s point by gunshot, or at the mouth of a

cannon, than for a man to snivel and sneeze himself into another world;

or to go away in a meagrim or a spotted fever, perchance, which is the

ordinary effect of this poisonous tobacco. It is with tobacconists as

’tis with demoniacs under an exorcism, they fume and vapour, but the

devil sticks to them still. Many there are that make a very idol of it;

they admire, they adore it, tempting and persecuting all people to take

it, and the bare mention of it puts them into an ecstasy. In the smoke

it is a probation for hell, where another day they must endure smoking;

taken in powder, at the nose, it draws upon youth the incommodities of

old age, in the perpetual annoyance of rheum and drivel.”

The devil of subornation came next, which was a good-complexioned and a

well-timbered devil, to my great amazement I must acknowledge, for I had

never seen any devils till now but what were extreme ugly. The air of

his face was so familiar to me that methought I had seen it in a thousand

several places; sometime under a veil, sometime open; now under one shape

and then under another. One while he called himself child’s-play;

another while, kind entertainment; here, payment; there, restitution;

and, in a third place, alms: but, in fine, I could never learn his right

name. I remember in some places I have heard him called inheritance,

profit, good cheap, patrimony, gratitude. Here he was called doctor;

there, bachelor. With the lawyers, solicitors, and attorneys, he passed

under the name of right; and the confessors called him charity.

He was well accompanied, and styled himself Satan’s lieutenant; but there

was a devil of consequence that opposed him, might and main, and made

this proclamation of himself. “Be it known,” says he, “that I am the

great embroiler and politic entangler of affairs. The deluder of

princes, the pretext of the unworthy, and the excuse of tyrants. I can

make black, white; and give what colour I please to the foulest actions

in nature. If I had a mind to overturn the world, and put all in a

general confusion, I could do it; for I have it in my power to banish

order and reason out of it; to turn sauciness and importunity into merit,

example into necessity; to give law to success, authority to infamy, and

credit to insolence. I have the tongues of all counsellors at my girdle,

and they shall speak neither more nor less than just as I please. In

short, that’s easy to me which others account impossible, and while I

live ye need never fear either virtue, justice, or good government in the

world. This devil of subornation, that talks of his lieutenancy, what

could he ever have done without me? He’s a rascal that no person of

quality would admit into his company, if I did not fit him with vizors

and disguises. Let him hold his tongue then, and know himself; and let

me hear no more of those disputes about the lieutenancy of hell, for I

have Lucifer’s broad seal to show for my title to’t.”

“For my part,” cried another mutinous spirit, “I am one of those

humble-minded devils that can content myself to hold the door, upon a

good occasion; or knock under the table, and play at small game rather

than stand out. But few words among friends are best, and when I have

spoken three or four, let him come up that lists. I am then,” says he,

“the devil interpreter, and my business is to gloss upon the text; in

which case, the cuckolds are exceedingly beholden to me; for I have much

to say for the honour of the horn. How should a poor fellow that has a

handsome wench to his wife, and never a penny to live on, hold up his

head in the world, if it were not for that quality? I have a pretty

faculty in doing good offices for distressed ladies, at a time of need;

and I make the whole sex sensible how great a folly and madness it is to

neglect those sweet opportunities. Among other secrets, I have found out

a way to establish an office for thievery, where the officers shall be

thieves and justify it when they have done.” Here he stopped.

There was a short silence, and then there appeared another devil of about

a foot and a half long. “I am,” says he, “a devil but of a small size,

and perhaps one of the least in hell; and yet the door opens to me as

well as to another, for I never come empty handed.” “Why, what have you

brought them?” says the intermeddler, and came up to him, “What have I

brought?” quoth he, “I have brought an eternal talker and a finical

flatterer; they are two pieces that were in high esteem in the cabinets

of two great princes, and I have brought them for a present to Lucifer.”

With that, Lucifer cast his eye upon them, and with a

damned-verjuice-face, as if he had bitten a crab, “You do well,” says he,

“to say ye had them at court; and I think you should do well to carry

them thither again; for I had as lief have their room as their company.”

After him followed another dwarf devil, complaining that he had been a

matter of six years about so infamous a rascal, that there was no good to

be done with him, for the bad as well as the better sort were scandalised

at his conversation. “A mighty piece of business,” cried the

gouvernante. “And could you not have gotten him a handsome office or

employment? That would have made him good for something, and you might

have done his business.”

In the meantime the babbler went whispering up and down and finding

faults, till at length he came to a huge bundle of sleeping devils in a

corner, that were fagotted up, and all mouldy and full of cobwebs, which

he immediately gave notice of, and they cut the band to give them air.

With much ado they waked them, and asked what devils they were, what they

did there, and why they were not upon duty. They fell a-yawning, and

said that they were the devils of luxury: “But since the women have taken

a fancy to prefer guinies and jacobusses before their modesty and honour,

there has been no need of a devil in the case to tempt them; for ’tis but

showing them the merry spankers, they’ll dare like larks, and fall down

before ye, and then ye may e’en do what you will with them, and take them

up in a purse-net. Gold supplies all imperfections; it makes an angel of

a crocodile, turns a fool into a philosopher, and a dressing-box well

lined is worth twenty thousand devils. So that there is no temptation

like a present; and take them from top to bottom, the whole race of woman

is frail, and one thread of pearl will do more with them than a million

of fine stories.”

Just as this devil made an end we heard another snorting; and ’twas well

he did so, for we had trod upon his belly else. He was laid hold of,

upon suspicion that he slept dog-sleep, or rather the sleep of a

contented cuckold, that would spoil no sport where he made none. “I am,”

says he, “the nuns’ devil, and for want of other employment I have been

three days asleep here as you found me. My mistresses are now choosing

an abbess, and always when they are at that work I make holiday: for they

are all devils themselves then; there is such canvassing, flattering,

importuning, cajoling, making of parties; and in a word so general a

confusion, that a devil among them would do more hurt than good. Nay,

the ambitious make it a point of honour upon such an occasion, to show

that they can out-wit the devils. And if ever hell should be in danger

of a peace, it is my advice that you presently call in a convention of

nuns to the election of an abbess, which would most certainly reduce it

to its ancient state of sedition, mutiny, and confusion, and bring us all

in effect to such a pass that we should hardly know one another.”

Lucifer was very well pleased with the advice, and ordered it to be

entered upon the register, as a sure expedient to suppress any disorders

that might happen for the future to the disturbance of his government:

after which he commanded the issuing out of a summons to all his

companies and livery-men, who forthwith appeared in prodigious

multitudes; and Lucifer with a hideous yell delivered himself most

graciously as follows.